People have been e-mailing me Fred Thompson facts even though I’ve never made a claim to be the repository of Fred Thompson knowledge. I’d thought I’d share them with you, though I must warn you that these facts have not been triple verified like all the other Fred Thompson facts I’ve told you. Thus there is the possibility they are false and Fred Thompson will kill us all for reading them.
UNVERIFIED FRED THOMPSON FACTS
* Fred Thompson never has to stop at a traffic light because of a Homeland Security directive requiring all lights to turn green whenever he approaches.
* Fred Thompson eats shotgun shells for breakfast and craps 44 magnum bullets in the afternoon.
* Rosie O’Donnell insulted Fred Thompson so he morphed her into a reasonable, intelligent human being. After
that she joined the Republican Party, took Simon Cowell for a lover and replaced Michelle Malkin as a contributor on Bill O’Reilly show.
* Does a bear @#$% in the woods? Only with signed notarized permission in triplicate from Fred Thompson.
* When Fred Thompson empties his pistol at the firing range, it reloads itself out of respect.
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- When Fred Thompson gave blood in Alaska, it fulfilled the Red Cross’s entire quota for 6 months.
- Fred Thompson is part man, part machine. Underneath, he has a hyper-alloy combat chassis – micro processor-controlled, fully armored. Very tough.
- Fred Thompson uses a .357 Magnum as a remote control.
- Fred Thompson’s carbon footprint is the size of the Yukon.
- Fred Thompson once opened a stuck jar of pickles by winking at it.
- Nuclear reactor coolant fills Fred Thompson’s hot tub.
- There are only 2 things in life that are certain – Death and Fred Thompson.
- Fred Thompson flosses his teeth with a straight razor.
- Fred Thompson eats lightning and craps thunder.
- Fred Thompson uses a machine gun as a back scratcher.
- If you play Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” backwards, you will hear Fred Thompson loading his shotgun.
- Waldo is hiding because of Fred Thompson.
- The Ultimate Fighting Championship is based on Fred Thompson’s playground history.
- Fred Thompson reheats leftovers by staring at them.
- Fred Thompson uses high octane gasoline as mouthwash.
- Fred Thompson can see the American flag on the moon.
- Fred Thompson can throw a 95-mph fastball ––. with his foot.
- Fred Thompson uses the St. Louis Arch as a hand exerciser.
- Fred Thompson’s steely glare will soften steel.
- Fred Thompson’s gravely voice will often start brush fires.
- Fred Thompson runs a 4 minute mile in 42 seconds.
- Any stop signal that turns red when Fred Thompson approaches is immediately sent to the factory for reprogramming.
- When Fred Thompson goes fishing, fish swim to the dock and volunteer to fill his limit.
- Tides flow in and tides flow out unless Fred Thompson wants to take his kids to the beach.
- Harry Reid insulted Fred Thompson and was instantly transformed into a one dimensional cartoon cutout
poster. - A Homeland Security directive requires all Airlines to keep a First class seat available to every city in the United States just in case Fred Thompson wants to go there.
- Abraham Lincoln once said, “You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can never fool Fred Thompson.”
BTW, here’s an editorial by Fred Thompson at National Review on how America doesn’t care what others think of us. If you have any new facts about Fred Thompson, put them in the comments… but try to verify your facts first.
Fred Thompson audits the IRS.
Democrats use to be patriotic and courageous, then one of them insulted Fred Thompson…he glared at all of them and – well – now they are democRATs!
Once at a fight, a hockey game broke out, then a Fred Thompson broke out and everybody died.
Not triple checked and hard to believe but it’s reported that Fred Thompson’s balls are bigger than Hillary’s.
When Clint Eastwood was making Dirty Harry he used Fred Thompson as his role model…but he had to make Diry Harry a bit more liberal than Fred to make it realistic.
Fred Thompson has altered the deal, pray that he does not alter it further.
Leprechauns, having learned their lesson, now bring Fred Thompson their pot o’ gold without making him give chase.
The Beatles broke up because John liked Yoko,
Pangea broke up because Fred Thompson likes beachfront property.
Fred Thompson’s glare has been known to cause Stage IV cancer in liberals.
On the first day Fred Thompson created God.
“* Fred Thompson uses a machine gun as a back scratcher.”
uhm, funny, but actually…I do that. Really.
Fred Thompson is the only scenario in training that Marines know they cannot defeat with fire and manuvering. In case of an angry Fred Thompson, the Marines willfully die, so they may regroup in Hell.
Fred Thompson is classified as “The American Kovaros Device” by the KGB, and is recognized as a global killer.
Female Sex Chromosomes: XX
Male Sex Chromosomes: XY
Fred Thompson’s Sex Chromosomes: YYYYYYYY
Fred Thompson holds the record at Starfleet Academy for beating Kobaya Shimaru without reprogramming the simulation.
Fred Thompson is capable of breaking the transwarp barrier.
Historians believe that the reason Robert E. Lee surrendered at Appomattox is because the Union drummer boy was Fred Thompson.
Fred Thompson does not escape the gravity wells of black holes, they escape him.
Performance enhancing steriods are formulated from blood donations from Fred Thompson.
Fred Thompson doesn’t have to defy gravity because gravity doesn’t have the balls to defy Fred Thompson.
The Veto will not be necessary with Fred Thompson as POTUS because Democrats will only pass stuff that Fred Thompson wants passed and NOTHING else!
No major hurricanes in 2006 because Fred Thompson said so.
Nature abhors a vacuum. Unless Fred Thompson wants a vacuum, then nature thinks they are pretty cool.
When the Justice League of America calls 911, 911 calls Fred Thompson.
The only reason Global Warming is happening is because Fred Thompson is on fire.
when fred thompson lights a fire, it will burn steel.
In case the Library of Congress burns down, Fred Thompson can recite the entire thing from memory.
Light travels faster than sound because Fred Thompson wants people to see him coming before they hear him.
Dark matter makes up 80% of the mass in the universe. It’s really just the stuff Fred Thompson doesn’t want.
Fred Thompson was the architect for the pyramids in Egypt.
Once Fred Thompson was stuck by lightning. The cloud then cried in pain. This was known as the “Tunguska Event of 1908” and, to this day, the vegetation in the area is still recovering.
When Fred Thompson goes online, the internet becomes 200% faster for everybody except hippies and commies.
In a fight between Ronald Reagan and Fred Thompson, the resultant explosion would be so large, it would alter the orbit of Jupiter.
fred thompson is the only man that can beat the kobayashi maru…. without cheating.
“fred thompson is the only man that can beat the kobayashi maru…. without cheating.”
I already said that, Shane!
sorry sir a… must have missed it…
probably because you spelled it wrong… 😉
fred thompson is not a man. man is a fred thompson…
Well what do you know…I did…
It is said that any box of matches within 50 feet of Fred Thompson will spontaneously burst into flames.
Fred Thompson’s lymph nodes generate corbomite.
China doesn’t block certain internet sites- that’s Fred Thompson preventing communist infiltration.
Objects in motion tend to stay in motion, unless Fred Thompson looks at them. Then they just lay there and whimper.
Fred Thompson did not appear in The Fifth Element, because they would have needed to change the title to Fred Thompson.
Hillary has been trying to get the dirt on Fred Thompson, but she keeps swooning.
Fred Thompson does not fly commercially any more. But if you’re in trouble, he’ll still fly you to safety.
Superman can stop a locomotive. The locomotive stops itself for Fred Thompson.
Fred Thompson doesn’t drive, because he would make the road swerve out of fear.
A university is giving Al Gore a doctoral degree. Fred Thompson is going to teach him not to make the same mistake twice.
Fred Thompson CAN believe it’s not butter. So take that, Fabio.
When Fred Thompson believes it’s not butter it’s NOT butter. If it WAS butter, it converts.
Fred Thompson can bowl a perfect 300, in one frame.
Why is it not butter?
Because Fred Thompson says so.
Fred Thompson can write a computer program that will finish an infinite loop in ten seconds
God created the universe in six days, just barely meeting Fred Thompson’s deadline
Small animals implode in the presence of Fred Thompson.
Fred Thompson once stared at a Zonder robot, causing it to purify itself back into a normal human.
Fred Thompson forced Bill Clinton to have an affair with Monica but then saved Bill from impeachment because Gore hadn’t asked permission to claim he invented the internet.
What holds protons and neutrons apart?
The threat of Fred Thompson pulverizing them both.
What holds protons and neutrons together?
The threat of Fred Thompson pulverizing them both.
Although it is a myth that Fred Thompson invented the Thompson Sub-Machinegun, also known as the Tommy Gun, it is a documented fact that he can wield a Tommy Gun in each hand and maintain a constant 1″ MOA level of accuracy at 2000 yards with each weapon, even while firing full auto.
John McCain would use our military against the terrorists.
Rudy Guliani would go after them personally with a tire iron.
Fred Thompson wouldn’t need the tire iron.
Batman may have been the first living being to evade Darkseid’s Omega Beams, but Fred Thompson is the only living being who is completely immune to them.
Fred Thompson vs. Shaft, James Bond, Superfly, & Bruce Lee in a four on one brawl.
Do you have to ask? Fred Thompson
Fred Thompson’s alarm clocks don’t dare wake him up, but they also don’t dare disobey his command to wake him up. They can only implode into tiny little balls of paradox
Fred Thompson could use Windows without it crashing, but he prefers to communicate with the computer directly, in binary.
John Holmes retired when he heard FRED THOMPSON was considering an acting career!!
Fred Thompson once stomped his foot in anger while in northern Arizona. Everyone agrees, though, that the Grand Canyon is actually quite breathtaking
Fred Thompson can get blood from a stone. But it’s usually a stone he has bashed a few commie or hippy skulls with.
Fred Thompson ability to soften steel with a glance can often be troublesome. On 9/11 Fred Thompson got so angry that both towers collapsed immediately after he turned on television to see what was happening.
Truthers believe that explosives were used but we know the truth 🙂
The Berlin Wall fell because Fred Thompson told it to.
In a fight between Fred Thompson and Wilford Brimley the resulting damage would be worse then a 1000 nuclear blasts.
“Fred Thompson’s alarm clocks don’t dare wake him up, but they also don’t dare disobey his command to wake him up. They can only implode into tiny little balls of paradox”
Haha that’s the best one yet.
Fred Thompson is capable of causing the French to go to war and win, but only so they can avoid his ire.
Even an unloaded pistol will still fire live rounds when in Fred Thompson’s hands.
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas because Fred Thompson hates a tattle-tale.
When they finally build a telescope that can see the center of the universe. They will see Fred Thompson standing there.
Physicists and cosmologists haven’t discovered the Grand Unifying Theory of the Universe because they cannot explain how Fred Thompson is the most powerful force in nature.
“Fred Thompson could use Windows without it crashing, but he prefers to communicate with the computer directly, in binary.”
I love this one, LMAO, but isn’t binary too simplistic for Fred Thomson? wouldn’t he just think at the computer and the computer converts his thoughts into binary?
Could Fred Thompson microwave a burrito so hot that he wouldn’t be able to eat it?
Fred Thompson doesn’t need extra fiber in his diet… the hemp shirts of the hippies he eats whole for breakfast will do just fine, thanks.
Fred Thompson’s tears cure cancer… too bad he never cries.
The Austrian Army can make the Lippizaner horses walk on their hind legs. Fred Thompson can make them perform neurosurgery while piloting the space shuttle and whistling “Flight of the Valkyries.”
Anybody can blend puppies in a food processor… but only Fred Thompson can unblend them.
Water turns to ice at 32 degrees fahrenheit… but only when Fred Thompson lets it.
When Fred Thompson looks a little red in the face, it’s because he hasn’t gotten around to wiping off the blood of the commies he’s killed with his bare hands.
Fred Thompson kills commies with his bare hands only because he got bored with summoning lightning strikes from Mount Olympus.
Fred Thompson won Americal Idol, Survivor, Big Brother, The Amazing Race, and Rock Star: INXS in the same season.
As the saying goes in my country of Louisiana, “You can’t squeeze blood from a turnip” – Fred Thompson can.
Fred Thompson sounds an awful lot like Chuck Norris.
As a schoolboy, Fred Thompson didn’t chew gum–he chewed bullets, and blew lead bubbles.
CB:
Chuck Norris is such a badass because Fred Thompson is his Sensei.
The reason that the speed of light is the maximum velocity in the Universe is that Fred Thompson decided that nobody needed to go faster than that.
Dune’s Fremen know that “Fred Thompson” is a killing word, but they don’t use it due to strategic arms limitations for weapons of mass destruction.
“Fred Thompson’s alarm clocks don’t dare wake him up, but they also don’t dare disobey his command to wake him up. They can only implode into tiny little balls of paradox”
Superb comment, except for a simple problem:
You’re implying that Fred Thompson needs an alarm clock in the first place, or in fact sleeps.
No one has ever died from autoerotic asphyxiation. Fred Thompson just doesn’t like jerk-offs.
When Fred Thompson goes to Brussels the EU bureaucracy stops working in terror of him.
One problem with the EU bureaucrats stop working when Fred Thompson is in Brussels. EU bureaucrats never actually work.
What caused the stagflation of the 70’s and 80’s?
Fred Thompson’s tightening grip of death.
Fred Thompson is the only exception to Newton’s Third Law: “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Because NOTHING can equal Fred Thompson.
Original purpose of the Great Wall of China? To keep Fred Thompson out. It failed.
NASA is looking for ways to reduce the cost of sending men and material into space. One option: have Fred Thompson toss it up there.
Glaciers once covered the Great Lakes region, but they retreated more than 10,000 years ago because they heard Fred Thompson was coming.
The real cause of New Orleans flooding in 2005? Fred Thompson sneezed. He’s allergic to commies.
Darth Vadar wears a mask so no one sees how scared he is when someone says “Fred Thompson”.
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, it’s probably because Fred Thompson thought about a tree falling in the forest. Sometimes he’ll disregard that thought and the tree will replant itself.
The U.S.M.C. is thinking about changing its name to the U.S.F.T.
As the old saying goes, “If at first you don’t succeed, you’re probably not Fred Thompson.”
The creatures’ acid blood in the ALIENS movies was actually a pot of Fred Thompson’s coffee… but he likes it so strong they had to water it down for the movies.
Fred Thompson doesn’t need to wear a bullet proof vest because bullets would simply stop three feet away, cry, and wet their pants before he plucked them out of the air and ate them.
E=mc2, but scientists are still trying to figure out if ANYTHING can equal FTD.
The terrorists hate our Fred Thompson.
Man conservatives are surprised to hear this, but Fred Thompson is a staunch advocate of CFLs (compact fluorescent light bulbs). They are his favorite snack.
Fred Thompson’s cancer is not actually in remission. It is living in Antigua under an assumed name, cowering in a closet for fear Fred will find it and finish it off.
DHS has an unused Terror Alert level that never appears on the charts used by cable news. It was going to be called “Holy Shit We’re All Going To Die” but they felt “Fred Thompson Is Angry” was more concise.
Alternative to the above:
Fred Thompson cured himself of his cancer only after learning that any substance powerful enough to resist his own immune system must contravene at least three international arms treaties.
Know why hippies don’t use razors? They don’t have to. They just stand next to Fred Thompson and their hair shrinks back into it’s folicles in fear.
Fred Thompson knows the last digit of pi.
Why does Fred Thompson never wear a condom?
Because there is no protection from Fred Thompson.
Had Fred Thompson been in Thermopylae, the movie would have had to be called “1”
LOL Benjamin!
I cried laughing at that..
Jack Bauer has a picture of Fred Thompson over his bed.
Fred Thompson invented the Kung Fu Grip.
Fred Thompson’s favorite breakfast: Commie heads with Hippie syrup.
In the proximity of Fred Thompson, Vegans bite themselves to get at the meat.
Fred Thompson’s rising blood pressure perturbs the orbit of Mercury.
The character named Vavoom on Felix the Cat was modeled on Fred Thompson’s powers of persuasion.
Hercules suffers pectoral envy when confronted with pictures of Fred Thompson.
How did Fred Thompson date so many hot chicks? They begged him to.
Liberals who accost Fred Thompson are turned into ash by Fred Thompson’s steely gaze. Hippies who accost him are released to warn the others.
Best one. Thanks Dan.
Fred Thompson could win the Superbowl and the World Series every year but he’s not playing games.
Fred Thompson is the hammer to the terrorist nail.
When Fred Thompson speaks, everything listens.
The French just elected the conservative, brass b@!!$, we’re-gonna-mix-thing-up Sarkozy as President… but they really wanted Fred Thompson.
When Fred Thompson walks through a metal detector at the airport, it doesn’t beep… it cries.
Scientists just detected a star 200 times more massive than our sun 20 light years away that went supernova in the biggest explosion since the Big Bang. It was very similar to the “Pop Rocks” Fred Thompson ate as a kid.
Real reason the Titanic sunk? Somebody uttered the name “Fred Thompson”.
The only thing faster than the speed of light? Fred Thompson’s foot giving you a swift kick in the a$$.
The originally proposed name of “Law & Order”? Fred & Thompson.
The SCOTUS has ruled that telling someone Fred Thompson doesn’t like them can be considered “cruel and unusual punishment”.
Fred Thompson can water ski without a boat.
Fred Thompson has never NOT had a hole in one. Sometimes he doesn’t even hit the ball… he just yells at it.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse report directly to Fred Thompson.
Rome wasn’t built in a day… but it could have been if Fred Thompson had been around.
Tolstoy originally titled his novel “Fred Thompson and Peace”.
Americans dropped two atomic bombs in WWII named “Fat Man” and “Little Boy”. Name of the third, unused bomb? “Fred Thompson”.
Fred Thompson doesn’t shave — he just looks in the mirror and yells “Get back in there!”
The Chinese symbol for Fred Thompson looks like a bear eating a dragon while standing on a shark eating a wolf being chased by a tiger.
Fred Thompson eats coal and craps diamonds.
Now that’s just rude, Dan. I complimented one of your Fred Thompson facts and you were supposed to compliment one of mine back. New bff, not.
Snif. When you feel like crying (like now, jerk), you can keep it together just by quietly repeating “Fred Thompson loves me” over and over and over. Just the initials are enough if you’re texting. ftlm. ftlm. ftlm. bhdly.