Obama Proposes New Tea Control Policy

WASHINGTON (AP) – Responding to the rising threat from right-wing extremist groups, President Barack Obama today proposed a bill that would implement strict controls on the use of tea, a weapon favored by domestic terrorist groups.

Artists conception of crazed, right-wing extremists plotting the violent overthrow of the US government

“One of this country’s founding principles is the right to keep and bear tea,” said Obama, “but with that right comes certain responsibilities. Some radical extremist groups are not living up to their responsibilities, and have used their tea in a criminal and irresponsible manner to disrupt the democratic process and threaten our government offices, our waterways, and even our lawns with acts of criminal tea-dumping.”

The President emphasized that he has no problem with groups that use tea for legitimate purposes.

“Old women, effeminate Brits, and bored housewives who like a cup of chamomile to wash down their Prozac are not the problem,” said Obama. “The problem is that, too often, tea can fall into the wrong hands, and I think that yesterday the whole nation witnessed the tragic results of that. What this country needs is reasonable, common-sense restrictions on tea to ensure the safety of ALL Americans.”

Some of the restrictions proposed by Obama:

* mandatory safety locks on tea cups

* registration of fully automatic teamakers

* halting the sale of boxes of tea that contain more than 10 bags

* requiring permits for carrying concealed tea.

* banning the sale of any tea equipped with a pistol grip, bayonet mount, or flash suppressor

“I believe,” said Obama “that with these few prudent and sensible limitations, we can reduce tea violence in our cities, protect our children from accidental over-caffeination, and halt the uncontrolled flow of our tea into Mexico, all while still fully respecting our Founding Fathers’ admiration for warm, leaf-based beverages that has made this country great for over 200 years.”

29 Comments

  1. Other proposals up for ‘debate’: 1] Restricted tea shipment by mail.Teamailers must be fully licenced and registered with Bureau of Alcohol,Tea, & Firearms. 2] Fatherland Security Agency will set up tea-detectors at airports,train stations,bus stations and taxi stops. 3] Random body cavity searches at the border for smuggling of illegal tea into the country.(Proposed by Bawny Fwank, seconded by Gary Studs) 4] The FBI will be authorized to infiltrate Mother/Daughter Teas across the country in an attempt to quell spontaneous tea insurrections 5] Coffee houses and Cafes will undergo rigorous training as to the brewing and dispensing of tea.They will be required to report any suspicious tea activity to their local ACORN precinct captains.

  2. “More tea my dear?” >>>”I’ve had nothing yet, so I can’t take more.”>>>”You mean you can’t take less, it’s very easy to take more than nothing.”— From the above depicted illustation

  3. Harvey again brews up a classic cup o’ funny! Earl Grey should be our mascot! And we’d all run about squealing “Pekoe-Boo” to DHS operatives looking to strain us out of the rest of society.

    Or we should start a Green Tea Party; that would be favorably reported, until they realized what we’re up to…

  4. To sell tea you will need a Tea Transfer license, a TTL. The BATF mentioned above will check the TTL’s log books to confirm that all tea has been transfered properly.Onlt a special TTL can sell you an automatic tea maker after a background check and pay a $200.00 Tea Transfer Tax.

  5. Where can I get a holster for my tea? And are we talking sweet tea or unsweet tea? Sweet tea, being favored in the South, the land of rightwing extremists, is probably more likely to be used for violent purposes and so should be more strictly regulated than the unsweet tea of the North.

    One more thing; am I allowed to carry my tea on campus? If so, must I purchase it at a University retailer or may I bring my own? Do I have to register with the University police department? If I can’t carry, can I just have some in my car?

  6. We must raise the taxes on tobacco to pay for tea rehabilitation and enforcement efforts. We must also raise taxes on those families that work and make less than 250K a year. Those rich people should pay for the tea they bitterly cling to.

  7. You’ll be seeing a run on tea sellers like Starbucks, CB&TL, and Gloria Jean’s before the ban goes into effect. Laws prohibiting the sale of tea within 1000′ of schools, parks, and churches will be passed. Groups like the National Coalition to Ban Tea, Legal Community against Tea, and the Juan Valdez Campaign Against Tea will spring up. Customs and Border Patrol will have tea-sniffing dogs walking around the vehicles coming in through the border checkpoints.

    Will my high-capacity tea boxes be grandfathered in? Will I have to register my automatic tea maker? Will Black Tea be labeled as “Assault Tea”, while only Green Tea remains lightly regulated? What about Herbal Teas? Are they even tea at all, and therefore not regulated? Will there be restrictions on age to buy tea, such as 18 to buy Green Tea and 21 to buy Black Tea?

  8. FWIW, fully automatic tea makers really are dangerous and should be illegal.

    I don’t mean teakettles, which boil water.

    There’s a Hot Move on the Coast for custom-grown $10/cup tea. And being the kind of people they are, they intend to make this stuff with steam, like they do espresso coffee, which makes a nice dessert twice a year but has FUBAR’d the definition of a “cup of coffee.”

    Steaming tea leaves releases some Real Bad Shit which is poison. Please remember later that I tried to warn you. This is like what happens when an anti-gunner takes a pistol away from a teenager and shoots himself in the foot with it.

  9. Pingback: Tea Control Laws « SCAAC

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