Researchers hope to soon check if the American flag is still at the original landing site on the moon. It will be quite disturbing if isn’t. Since we know no humans have been to the moon since the Apollo missions, that means the only people who could have stolen the flag are moon men. And we’ll have to hunt them down and kill them out of principle. And that means war with the moon men. So be prepared for that.

Biden has recently said that “we have to go spend money to keep from going bankrupt”. Here’s some other dumb things he’s said recently:

“The only way to combat arson is to set everything we can on fire!”

“I’m memorizing everything in the Star Trek Encyclopedia to keep from becoming a Trekkie geek.”

“To protect our babies, we need to shake them harder!”

“We are mocked for the baldness that is our uninsured, and the only way to avoid that mockery are the hair plugs that is the new healthcare bill!”

“John Kerry, I need that hat back I gave to you in Cambodia. You said you still have it.”

“People will stop thinking I’m crazy when I explain to them I’m the Lizard King.”

“I’m not the stupid one! It’s that friggin’ talking dog that writes all my speeches!”

“I think that was a very good first one hundred days for a black man.”

Here are some neat gun accessories (including a cup holder). Sounds like there would be almost no job more fun than designing gun accessories, and I couldn’t help but come up with a few ideas of my own:

* New safety device that makes sure the gun is pointed at a Communist before allowing the trigger to be pulled.

* Facial recognition so the gun can identify who you shot and automatically send condolences to the family.

* Built in counter to tell you whether you’ve fired six shots or only five in case you lost track of it in the heat of the moment and are encountering an especially lucky-feeling punk.

* Built in taser to shock kids who try to get their grubby hands on your gun.

* Interface with Twitter API so every time you pull the trigger it updates your status to “Shooting a mo’fo’.”

* Barrel shroud that lights up green so it looks like you’re casting the avada kedavra spell from Harry Potter when you pull the trigger.

* Heated grips for firing the gun in cold climates (happiness is a warm gun).

* Power Point projector to go with the laser pointer.

Watch as Senator Boxer gets confused that black people can have different opinions from each other.
I don’t know who this Alford guy is, but I like him:

You ever get the feeling that the member of the Ku Klux Klan just got more condescending, stopped wearing the sheets, and became today’s white liberals?

They should talk to the leader of the town of Soto, Curaçao, and get his opinion on Sotomayor. That wouldn’t be much dumber than any of the other identity politics.

America is full of racists who get fearful every time they turn around and see a black man behind them passing socialist economic policies.

Sometimes it seems like KKK members don’t even look down on black people as much as condescending white liberals.

The general who called Boxer “ma’am’ was being way too respectful.

If we did Apollo 11 today, half the research would be on the best race/gender make up of the three person crew. Then again, it does seem wrong that only white men have been on the moon and played golf. It’s the last exclusive country club. So basically our sluggish pace of space exploration is racist.

We need to pass a healthcare bill quickly. It’s like the advice to ripping off a band-aid, except more like we’re ripping off our heads.

“ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!!”
“No, please give us a minute.”
“Okay, I’ll wait.”

Obama says he’ll only use his death squads to murder hobos to keep healthcare solvent, but I’m still not sure we should let him have them.

So not only is Sotomayor a racist with no problem lying to the Senate, she no speak good. Of course, to disqualify her for the Supreme Court you’d have to focus on her merits instead of her race and gender, and that’s missing the whole point of her nomination.

Anyway, it’s a done deal. You elect a useless screw-up, you’re going to get the sort of nominees for the Supreme Court a useless screw-up would pick. I can just see her opinions for the Supreme Court cases: “Hey, this part I wrote actually matches up with something the Constitution says; what a coincidence!”

In Massachusetts, east coast land of useless idiots, they’re passing a transgender right bill to make sure people can use the bathroom of whatever gender they personally identify with. Some people are protesting it (how could anyone find anything wrong with it?), and this passage jumped out at me:

Timothy Tracey, a lawyer with the conservative Arizona-based Alliance Defense Fund, told members of the Committee on the Judiciary that the bill infringes on the religious rights of those who believe that men and women are different.

It’s been a little while since my last biology class, but there is actually a scientific distinction of men and women too, right? Or am I the one who is confused?

Just to add to what Basil said, robots controlled by monkeys’ brains is a bad idea. I believe in Asimov’s robot laws, law number eight for robots is “Never follow the instructions of a monkey.” To make things even worse, scientists are making corpse-eating robots as well. Why? I guess they’ve just said, “The hell with it” and gone full mad scientist mode.

So now monkeys are going to control robots with their brains which will kill us and then eat us. Basically our future is going to be a combination of Planet of the Apes, Terminator, and The Matrix with a bit of Night of the Living Dead thrown in with the corpse eating. The living will envy the dead, and the dead will be eaten by robots controlled by monkeys’ brains.