Archive of entries posted on July 2009

Nobody tell Frank J. about the monkeys using their minds to control robots

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Sky News reports that, at the University of Pittsburgh, a monkey fitted with a hi-tech brain chip has learned to move a complex robotic arm using mind control.

You read that right.

Monkeys controlling robots with their minds.

One science guy, who wears a lab coat, says it’s all for the public good:

Neurobiologist Dr Andy Schwartz said: “What we’re trying to do is go to a very dextrous hand – where the functionality is very similar to the human hand. If we could help stroke patients there would be a huge market for this kind of device.”

I’m not sure, but I think the guy that’s the mad scientist behind this is a nice guy. But letting monkeys control robots?

Don’t let Frank J. find out. He’s got a lot on his mind right now, what with writing all teh funneh, making up lies about the president (but true lies, not those awful false lies), and planning the birthday of someone who is very special to him (and the rest of us, too).

That’s a lot of pressure. He doesn’t need any more. Especially since he has to find the perfect birthday present for his wife. All married men know that if you don’t find the perfect gift, you might as well just dig a hole, crawl in, and cover yourself up. Your life is over if you screw up the wife’s birthday present.

So, Frank J. doesn’t need any extra pressure. I sure won’t do anything to cause any extra pressure on him. About his wife’s birthday.

And this story about monkeys controlling robots with their minds might freak him out. ‘Cause it’s freaky.

I mean, do you get the idea that scientists are like rednecks, only with test tubes and laboratories instead of beer cans and deer stands?

I mean, a redneck will get liquored up, hop on a four-wheeler and try to jump his mom’s car. He’ll make it about half-way across. It’s like, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Then they’ve got a “Here’s Your Sign” winner.

Same way with these scientists. “Hello, colleagues, observe!” They wire up a monkey to a robot and let it control it with its mind.

We’ve all been worrying about SkyNet taking over. And, if it does, it will be a cross between Terminator and Planet of the Apes: monkey-controlled robots.

There’s a storm coming … and it’s a mad house, a mad house!

Just Horsing Around

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Although some people might think the phrase “the east end of a west-bound horse” has negative connotations, just remember it’s the end of the horse that will kick your teeth in if you piss it off.

After which the west-bound end will turn around and whinny derisive laughter in your direction.

Wikipedia Profit Idea

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How does Wikipedia make any money? There are no ads. Why is that? As long as Wikipedia has no revenue stream, they’ll only get content from losers with enough spare time to give away their work for free.

So here’s my idea: Put product placements in the articles.

Now, I’m not talking about making them inaccurate by changing the articles to say things like that Ben Franklin enjoyed Cool Ranch Doritos, but they can insert the product placements in ways that keep Wikipedia integrity.

“Nitrogen freezes at −196 °C which feels as cold as a bottle of Coors with its new color changing label to let you know it’s cold.”

“Vincent Van Gogh was as crazy as the sale on home entertainment systems going on right now at Best Buy.”

“The Apatosaurus weighed 25 tons requiring it to eat plants all day since it didn’t have access to a Hungry Man dinner which would have satisfied its appetite much quicker.”

“Amelia Earhart disappeared over the Pacific Ocean, something that barely ever happens when flying Northwest.”

“The sabre-toothed tiger died out 10,000 years ago and unfortunately did not have Farmer’s life insurance.”

And people who pay for ads will get an extra bang for their buck as their ads will probably start appearing in kids’ papers since they tend to just copy sources verbatim. It’s a million dollar idea and I think Wikipedia should give a shot and pay me 10%.

Supreme Farce

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Fred Thompson has a good post on the pointlessness of Supreme Court confirmation hearings. Pretty much every Senator already knows how their voting by looking at Sotomayor’s record (or, at least, they should have been looking at her record) and the hearing is just a dog and pony show. In a perfect world, Sotomayor wouldn’t even be allowed to tour the Supreme Court, but she’s probably the best we’ll get out of Obama so we might as well just take it like a man.

I really don’t think the Founding Fathers thought out the Supreme Court idea too well; it’s just too capricious how the make up of it ends up. I still think the best idea would be a robot programmed with only the Constitution and destroys anything that conflicts with its programming with lasers. Of course, it might not be Constitutional and thus will destroy itself.

Constitutional law is hard.

Random Thoughts

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Obama hates Hispanics. If he didn’t look down on them so much, he wouldn’t think Sotomayor is a smart one.

In a perfect world, Sotomayor wouldn’t even be let on a tour of the Supreme Court, but I’m not sure we can get any better from Obama.

The stimulus is going so poorly, I hear al Qaeda just tried to take credit for it.

If Sotomayor actually is a wise Latina, wouldn’t she know not to say something that stupid repeatedly?

Either Palin’s resignation was a dumb political move or in ten years she’ll be undisputed empress of the world.

I’d love to start a bakery called “Live Free or Pie”.

lolbama! Part 18

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This week, That One. Next week, terrorists. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

I’m gonna have to throw in a bonus edition of lolbama! some week just so I can get one of my own entries in. You people are just too good.

Meanwhile, pass ’em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

From Jared:

From Joel:

[reference link]

From Melissa:

From Peregrine John:

Also from Peregrine John:

From Rick of The Rabid Conservative:

My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:

From Ron Rockstar:

From Susie:

From Chuck:

From livedog

From LabCat:

[reference link]

From Ken:

From Doug:

From MarkoMancuso:

This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolbama! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

The Hell of Canadian Healthcare

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If you only watch one Crowder video, watch this. Steven Crowder goes undercover to show you exactly what it’s like getting healthcare in Canada:

At one point, he’s actually told to get a blood test he should either wait two to three years on a waiting list to get a family practitioner or go to one of the now allowed private clinics and pay $900.

Plus, he goes through how much the “free” really crappy healthcare actually costs in taxes and higher prices on everything.

Do not want!

I Don’t Care, I’m Going to Make Him Guilty Anyway

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So ABC News responded to this blatantly incriminating picture:

by going out of their way to prove that Obama is NOT checking out a 16 year old girl’s ass by going frame-by-frame through the video.


[YouTube direct link]

Suddenly they give a crap about factual accuracy.

And normally, I would, too, but it’s a little too late, because I’ve cannon-balled into the deep end of the vengeance pool.

The MSM has no compunction about running with smears, innuendo, and Tina Fey quotes to discredit Sarah Palin. So I’m taking Porretto’s advice on how to do payback on liberals and running this bad-timing, bad-luck photo into the ground (and yes, it’ll be the “uncaptioned” in tomorrow’s lolbama!).

This will be Obama’s tank picture.

This will be Obama’s bunny suit.

I’m going to take this image at face value until Obama comes out and makes a statement denying his pedophillic leer. Then I’m going to ignore him and keep on accusing him of impropriety with this out-of-context photo as my only evidence.

Well, except for this screen-grab:

Say… who IS that charming lady – who is NOT Obama’s wife – that the President is holding hands with?

Didn’t we first see Monica Lewinsky as just another “celebratory hug” while Billy “Blue Dress” Clinton was working a room?:

Is there more to this story?

Should Congress call for hearings?

I’m not implying anything. I’m just asking questions.

More CSIs

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I was thinking it’s time for a fourth CSI show. I mean, there are still plenty of Who songs unused as theme songs. Here’s some ideas I had:

CSI: Boise – “Spectral analysis shows this fool done got himself shot.”

CSI: Middle East – “By trace analysis, we have concluded this was done BY THE JOOOOS!!”

CSI: Antarctica – It would take some good writing to make sure the culprit isn’t always seals.

CSI: Sunnydale – “Stick to the science… unless you think magic is involved.”

CSI: Congress – “I’m pretty sure someone here is lying.”

CSI: Chicago – “This doesn’t make any sense: It appears to be a bullet wound, but handguns are banned in this city.”

CSI: D.C. – “The corpse of the Constitution was found naked, lying in a stream. I think money was involved.”

This Needs Interpreting

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From the White House Twitter feed:

“Freedom is your inheritance. Now, it is your responsibility to build upon freedom’s foundation.”

Which is the worst metaphor since “The reckless fiscal policies of the past have left us in a very deep hole. Digging our way out will take time and patience and tough choices.”

Let me explain by de-metaphorizing that Twitter line:

“This house is your inheritance. Now, it is your responsibility to build upon this house’s foundation”.

Which is just weird. If you have a house, the foundation is underneath it, so it’s kind of hard to build on it, since… um… the house is in the way.

So I think what Obama’s saying is that government has come along with a wrecking ball, smashing your inherited freedom to bits, and hey – good luck building something over that hole in the ground we left you, because we’ll be back later to smash that, too.

Maybe it’s time to take some wrecking balls to the government’s demolition equipment.