* So suddenly out of nowhere, we have this Gang of Six plan. When it looks like something might get accomplished, we always get a nice compromise plan to move deck chairs around and look busy while pretty much keeping the status quo. Obama sounds like he’s grudgingly for the plan, so you can rest assured it accomplishes nothing.
Cut, Cap, and Balance passed the House, though it’s not expected to pass the Senate. It’s an all spending cuts plan, though not nearly enough to get our budget back on track, but also goes way too far for Democrats to accept it.
This system just ain’t working, people; we have to change it. Might need a new Constitution with a lot more laws about Congress. Like more mentions of prison. If you mess up the economy this bad, prison. “Hey, all of you in Congress, time’s up — you’re going to prison. And you don’t get out until the $14 trillion in debt is paid off; we did confiscate all of your wealth to help pay it down, but that didn’t quite cover it. Now make room for the new guys coming in to replace you. Oh, and new guys, make sure the first item on your budget is MORE PRISONS FOR POLITICIANS.”
* If you wonder why Obama hasn’t had any plan, that’s because, as Jay Carney explained, “Leadership is not proposing a plan.” So when Obama is lying on the couch eating Cheetos and watching QVC, that’s called “leading”. And if we throw Obama out of office in 2012, he’ll be able to lead all day long.
* So like half our budget now is Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare — things that didn’t used to be the government’s business at all are now most of what it does. The main function of the federal government is going to be to hand out checks in the form of entitlements — checks it can’t afford. Can’t we find a way to ease out of this? I know a lot of people are now dependent on the government and will revolt if they’re cut, but can’t we go ahead and announce to a certain age group that you’re not going to receive any of these benefits, so be prepared? Just make sure it’s an age group that won’t get all worked up about it. “As your president, I have some bad news to deliver to our nation’s five-year-olds: You will not receive any Social Security and can’t expect Medicare to be there for you.” There’s going to be a lot of anger in our nation’s kindergartens, but think of how much smaller government will be sixty years from now.
* So Rupert Murdoch was hit with a pie, but then his 43-year-old wife jumped in with a flying kick that EXPLODED THE GUY’S HEAD!
Many liberals think Rupert Murdoch deserved a pie to the face because they don’t like him and they don’t know how to hate in degrees, because their minds are like those of children. If they decide you are on the other side, that means you must stand for absolutely everything they hate. And that means you deserve anything bad that happens. But remember any liberals who seem to approve of the pie throwing, because that means they’re fair game for a pie. And while we’re at it, we can throw shoes at their heads.
* Apparently Michelle Bachmann suffers CRIPPLING MIGRAINES. Numerous times a day, she’ll be talking normally and then suddenly start screaming and gripping her head. Sometimes the heads of other people around her are exploded. In fact, she spends 75% of the day curled up in a ball sobbing… so way less time than Barack Obama.
* The police conducted a nationwide raid, arresting sixteen members of the “Anonymous” hacking group. But they don’t have any pictures yet! I want to see what the hackers look like! Which Pokemon do they have on their t-shirts? What’s their combined weight total? How many of them still live with their parents? Anytime we arrest a bunch of anonymous hackers, it should be a national day of mockery.
* EA Sports is expanding in Austin, creating 300 more jobs there, and Governor Rick Perry spoke at the announcement, promoting video games. I keep hearing about Perry entering the presidential race, and it sure would be nice to have a president who is pro-video games. Me, if I were president, I would probably do nothing but play video games. Everyone would say, “Mr. President! We’re all scared about the economy and want you to make a bunch of new social programs and spend a lot of money!” And I’d be like, “Nope. Too busy playing video games.” I’d be like Coolidge… but with a lot more three stars on Angry Birds levels.
* Wisdom of the Day: “After the Son of Sam murders, NY TV ran a whole series of ‘Don’t Do Things Your Dog Tells You To Do’ ads.” –Michael Kupperman
* Allen West wrote an e-mail calling Debbie Wasserman-Schultz “vile, unprofessional, and despicable”. I don’t think anyone will dispute that. He also wrote that she is not a lady. That’s easy to see, too. If someone told me, “I have Wasserman-Schultz”, my first thought would not be, “That means you have… a lady.” Instead I would think you were referring to industrial equipment that assembles car doors or a maybe a genetic skin disease. What does a “Wasserman-Schultz” sound like to you? Best answer wins… wait for it… HIGH PRAISE!
Don’t ever tell Barney Frank he’s not a lady. He’ll hit you with his purse.
I think of it as “Wasserman, Schultz”, as in Ed Schultz being told “You’re going to undergo a Wasserman, Schultz.”
For those of you (all of you) who are younger than I am, I’ll note that the Wasserman test used to be the test for syphilis, no longer used because
the patient had to wait at least two days to get results.
MarkoMancuso’s grandpa had a Wasserman-Shultz. The orneriest, laziest, stupidest breed of mule there is.
Wasserman-Schultz, isn’t that what Bob Crane died of?
(yeah, yeah, I know, it was in bad taste….)
Wasserman-Shultz: a mix-breed mutt known for a large butt. Habits include sticking it’s nose up its master’s butt and pissing in the house.
Wasserman-Shultz: the wife of a WWII POW camp guard.
A Wasserman-Shultz is a large breed of dog, with long hair and a foul disposition. It is, however, an inexplicably expensive breed. Originally classed as a sighthound, it was recently reclassified by expert A. West as a cur. It may eventually be listed with pariah dogs.
Wasserman-Shultz: Australian term for regurgitation under certain and specific circumstances as in, “…’n then me mate pulled a Wasserman-Shultz on the Sheila…”
“Like more mentions of prison. If you mess up the economy this bad, prison. “Hey, all of you in Congress; times up — you’re going to prison. And you don’t get out until the $14 trillion in debt is paid off”
Wouldn’t that discourage ever paying down the debt?
Wasserman-Schultz sounds like the name of a cheap brand of beer. The kind that is brewed by the General Brewing Co. and tastes terrible no matter how cold you drink it. Wasserman-Schultz the beer that didn’t make Milwaukee famous or win any blue ribbons.
Wasserman-Shulta: a medical procedure that entails the insertion of the cranial lobe into the alimentary canal.
Crippling migraines? What did she adopt 26 kids for? Their fresh young brains?
Wasserman-Schultz Light machine gun (“Man-Beast”):
Originally considered the French army’s flagship WWI machine gun, it was dropped after the Fusil-Mitrailleur Mle 1915 CSRG proved to be superior. The Chauchat, or “Sho-Sho”, as it was known, was chosen because you could turn the stock into a portable alcohol still and bludgeon the enemy to death with it, making it more useful than the Wasserman-Schultz could ever hope to be.
Additionally, A. West, an important armed forces historian, has called the Wasserman-Schultz “the most vile, unprofessional and despicable weapon of the French army.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chauchat
“This system just ain’t working people; we have to change it. Might need a new Constitution with a lot more laws about Congress.”
Nope, we don’t need a new Constitution – the existing Constitution already lays out the very few powers of Congress – we just need to 1) hold elected officials to act only within the limited scope of their powers, and 2) begin rolling back existing laws, tax codes, etc. that are unconstitutional. Anything else – like term limits – can be addressed as amendments to the Constitution…see, they’re supposed to be amending the Constitution when it’s deemed necessary, not just ignoring it whenever it’s an inconvenience.
Yup, Carey said that there was no point in a leader proposing a plan that would just get shot down anyway. What leadership is, he continued, is the shooting down of all other plans. Carey pointed out that this would leave plenty of time for Cheetos and QVC, but the President is boycotting QVC because of the Jane Fonda snub.
Personally, I may have to find a way to support QVC. I’m not sure exactly what QVC is except that “famous” people go on it and sell crap. I guess it’s kind of like the Price Is Right, but instead of guessing how much a bunch of crap is worth, you have to buy it.
Careful observers will not be surprised that I don’t really have a Jane Fonda rant as much as I have a visceral tirade ready to go at the slightest provocation. I’ll leave it at this: Hanoi Jane deserves worse than a pie to the face.
Wasserman-Shultz was a lesser arms manufacuter in the Third Reich tasked primarily to provide Luftwaffe ejector seats and ball bearings for panzers. The seats tended to fire in the wrong direction and W-S Waffenfabrik lost the plans to the bearings which lead indirectly to Hitler losing the war.
What’s a Wasserman-Schultz? I don’t know. I’m more curious about the hyphen. Is the “Wasserman” family name such a proud and respected lineage that one must brag about being a part of it? What the hell is a Wasserman?
Ah, yes, the old Wasserman_Schultz. It was an invention of the 1930’s. Proclaimed as an “automatic clothes washer” it was huge, ran for hours and basically just bounced up and down making a lot of noise. After that a sign popped up saying “your clothes are clean!”, which they never were. It was something that sounded like a great idea, used a lot of energy, made a lot of noise, didn’t come close to accomplishing what it claimed, and always provided false information.
It’s an ice-skating move. If you hear that a skater did a “triple Wassermann-Schultz” in her performance, it means she fell on her keister three times.
Wasserman-Shultz sounds like a pustulating open sore found between the genitalia and the rectum
“Sorry, I can’t go swimming today, my Wasserman-Shultz is flairing up” 🙁
Wasserman-Shultz you ignorant slut!
I have to win! I am being moderated! Yay me!
I thought Wasserman-Shultz was one of the many stripes on the Rainbow of Autism.
I thought Wasserman-Shultz was a brand of golf clubs.
It also means that that FailBlog has dedicated a subdomain to you – “You’ve been Wasserman-Shultz’d”.
“Wasserman-Schultz” ist Deutsch fur “Waterboarding”
Coolidge had plenty of 3-star angry birds levels, and he had to do them the old-fashioned Vermont way–throwing actual angry birds by hand at thievin’ pigs. Used to be very popular in New England before the libs took over and everyone got all “Oh, the poor piggies” about it. Now we only have the virtual version, which is not as much fun, although the blackbird does explode which is pretty cool. By the way, in the Polish version of Angry Birds, the pigs are called the “Wassermans-Schultz.”
At this point we must ponder whether Obama will be a worse former one-term president than Carter. Toughie. On the one hand, Carter’s really annoying, and still makes asinine foreign policy pronouncements and does idiotic things that help despots like the North Koreans while collecting Nobel prizes. On the other, Obama’s doing that now, and already has a Nobel, so there’s nowhere to go but up. Then there’s the Habitat for Humanity thing, which I guess is OK except for the dumbbells who couldn’t get their own homes and had to rely on the program either took massive loans against their free house and lost the house, or turned around and sold their free house and made Jimmy and his crew look like suckers, which is pretty common for him. Or, as it is known in German, they made Carter look like a “Wasserman-Schultz.”
Wasserman-Shultz seems like the name of some sort of ineffectual 1930’s treaty that did nothing but give more land to the Nazis
Wasserman-Schultz is the measuring tool in that ghey guy member measuring scam from the Feds Frank mentioned yesterday.
Wasserman-Schultz is an ink blot test used to determine mental illness.
Social Security solved: If you are over 45 you have paid into it most of your working life. Keep paying, get bennies. 25-44 yrs old you can drop and quit paying or stay in and pay. 25 or younger you are out and not paying.
Give Michelle Bachmann a break. I’d get crippling migraines too if I had to listen to Nancy Pelosi all day.
Wasserman-Schultz is Schultz’s (From Hogan’s Heroes) new title. After the war he went to work as a washer man, which is obviously Wasserman in German.
Wasserman-Shultz Disease is caused by brain eating parasites transferred to humans by licking the fur of rats living deep in the sewers of large metropolitan areas. Symptoms include but are not limited to irritability, facial repulsiveness, a cringe-inducing voice, the inability to form coherent thoughts, anal seepage, and an uncontrollable urge to spend other peoples’ money.
Wasserman-Schultz is unquestionably a law firm with stupid commercials narrated by the man from UNCLE.
“Tell the insurance companies you mean business. Call 1-800 WIN WIN 1. Wasserman-Schultz.”
“Permanently injured? I’m Debbie ‘The Hammer’ Wasserman-Schultz! Slow-pay, no-pay free market running dogs know my partners and I well; because I am the hammer! They are the nails! I’ve been hammering them for more money for victims for thirty years. More benefits! Higher cash awards! I hammer them nearly every day! And I’ll hammer for you if you’ll just call me! 459-CASH! 459-CASH! Get what’s yours! Call 459-CASH! You call, I hammer!“
Say, DamnCat, have you an explanation for this behavior by a member of your species? I do! Cats know they are inferior to the dog!
After a 72 hour Taco Bell bender, I took the most horrific Wasserman. My Shultz was on fire for days
Wasserman-Schultz is job-killing, industry-hating, regulatory legislation passed when the Demoncrats had a majority in both houses. The Wasserman-Schultz Omnibus Kitchen Sink Act severely limits carbon emissions (with stiff penalties for non-compliance), outlaws plastic grocery bags, outlaws trans-fats in restaurant foods, limits the amount of salt that can appear in restaurant foods, sets up a social services agency to take custody of fat kids away from their parents, mandates that employers provide health insurance for all employees, prohibits employers from requesting proof of citizenship or legal residency before providing benefits, imposes a “sin tax” on tobacco, alcohol, sugar, salt, bacon, red meat, pork, poultry, frozen foods, canned goods and packaged foods (everything that is not a fresh vegetable, fresh fruit or tofu), creates mandatory after-school programs administered and staffed by Teachers’ Union employees, installs a Planned Parenthood advisor at every elementary, middle and high school, imposes a 100% gas tax, imposes penalties on vehicles that do not average 50 mpg in city driving; allocates $563 billion for a bullet train from Minot, North Dakota to Boring, Oregon, prohibits federal grants or funding of any kind to states that do not recognize same-gender marriage, triples US funding to the UN, establishes officer quotas in the military for females, minorities and gays, sets a national speed limit on interstate highways of 50 mph, establishes “fairness” rules in broadcasting that require stations to broadcast an hour of NPR programming for every hour of private programming, imposes taxes on cable and satellite TV to pay for public stations, imposes a $10,000 tax on the purchase of a gun, requires gun purchasers to give DNA samples, fingerprints, complete medical and mental histories and wait 5 years for a gun, after which each owner is required to wear an ankle bracelet at all times, puts a GPS monitor in every gun sold, outlaws handguns of any kind, requires that all weapons be kept in a gun safe with a time-lock that can only be opened once in a twenty-four hour period, setting off an alarm at federal monitoring stations when it is opened, prohibits gun ownership by anyone who is not a member of a well-regulated (by which they mean federally-regulated) militia, and does lots of other stuff but frankly, no-one read the whole bill before it was passed.
>>It was something that sounded like a great idea, used a lot of energy, made a lot of noise, didn’t come close to accomplishing what it claimed, and always provided false information.
I thought that was an Algore….
The Wasserman-Schultz test is done to detect the presence of Democrat in human waste. So far all tests have had positive results. The good news is that so far this is one of only nineteen medical tests that comes with a voter registration form. “Oh nurse, please have Mr. Poops ballot cast for him before he leaves.”
I thought Wasserman-Schultz was an little known, dim comet.
Wasserman-Schultz is a computer algorithm used to add so much extra verbage to a statement that a normal person won’t want to read it.
When liberals write a bill they think will be unpopular, they run Wasserman-Schultz on it. Obamacare had Wasserman-Schultz run on it 214 times.
Re: Bachmann’s malady: Franklin D. Roosevelt’s polio: non-issue. JFK’s drug use: you bore me. Bill Clinton’s cheating, groping and perjury: yawwwn. But Michele Bachmann needs to apply Head-On directly to her forehead? UNFIT TO SERVE!!!
It is a relevant but little-known fact that Wasserman-Schultz is the 19th platoon of Nazi zombies featured in the smash hit, Dead Snow, which storms the innocent just before the chainsaws get pulled out.
This is why I oppose term limits. We should be able to give them 5 to life, after they leave office.
Marko – most cats are bilingual – that’s how we tell dogs what to do. It’s a pain – but it’s not like dogs are smart enough to learn a second language.
I give up. What IS a Man-Schultz?
I’ve hit a new low! My comment was moderated out and replaced with a Bantha_Fodder! It’s been a long month for the little trooper…
@Choey – Hmmmm, maybe Algore was behind the whole idea all the time. It certainly has his marks all over it.
Wasserman-Schultz: Malt liquor. Bad malt liquor.
Wasserman-Schultz is German slang for the male organ. Used in a sentence: Helga, being very upset with Otto’s affair, drugged Otto and lopped off his Wasserman-Shultz and threw it in the garbage disposal. Someone here in America did just that to her man’s Johnson lately.
Hey, can we call this regular column, Nuke the Contest? Or mebbe Nuke the High Praise?
It’s a mixed drink, take a beer mug and pour in; the last 1/2 cup of Genny light from a keg, 1oz bottom shelf tequilla with the worm, the pus from Michael Moore’s backne, fill with old urine, and let sit for two weeks in the sun. Garnish with a twist of lemon.
Wasserman-Schultz is a disease of the private parts only transmitted by late night alcoholic obese msnbc hosts.
Crabby’s tour de force pretty much sums it up for me. Except I think you’re only at about the 47% mark with it. Besides, I know I’d get moderated if I wrote one.
***Breaking***
ussjimmycarter = Bantha_Foibler
Hehe.
I believe we should have term limits. Two in office followed by a mandatory one in prison.
Wasserman-Shultz: sounds like a sexually transmitted disease. )I wouldn’t sleep with her , it’s rumored she’s got Wasserman-Shultz.)
Maybe Wasserman-Shultz is the bastard offspring of Adam Sandlers “Waterboy” and Sgt Shultz.
Jimmy – That was low! That was low down and high smellin’! You know a guy sucks one wiener and he’s a C-Sucker the rest of his life! Tying me to Bendover_Feeder-Here-Boys is something that would ruin me forever!!! So you take that back or I’m going to revive the rumors of you as Hillary Clinton’s love slave, ma’ boy!
Did you know that this post made Top Stories at Google News just now, Frank J? If I knew how to do screen captures and crap, I’d show you. But I don’t so you’re just going to have to trust me.
Wasserman-Schultz is a variant of BSE (Mad Cow disease)
So many answers from you, Cat! We’ll see if you can answer a .22!
And I don’t mean to threaten you with violence, but, hey, we invented guns for something.
Frank J: I’ll bet I could get at least three stars on Angry Birds more times than you.
Calvin Coolidge: You Lose.
Cripling migranes reminds of the main character in a movie I watched last week.
I think it would be cool if Bachmann ended her last day of her 8-year presidential term shouting:
and then disappearing behind a giant mushroom cloud.
Okay, ussjimmycarter, I don’t want rumors about me and Hillary Clinton to get started again. It took years and dozens of Wasserman-Schultz’s to stop the last ones. Frank must have thrown you a curve ball – either that or you were just BAD, BAD!
You sure can pick, Mister Silas. Cagney at his absolute finest, with great performances by Edmond O’Brien and Virginia Mayo.
I love that movie!
Wasserman-Schultz is a really long, multiple choice, psychiatric test where you fill in the circles with a number two pencil.
It determines the amount of unreasoned hate and ignorant anger you have.
It was named for the first person to score a perfect 100%.
A Wasserman-Schultz is a licker of Obama’s boots.
Sounds like a venereal disease to me.
Wasserman-Schultz is related to a male circumcision, it’s the piece that get’s thrown away! Or in Jimmy’s case, the whole wiener was excised and tossed, that would count as a Wasserman-Schultz as well!
As a Vietnam vet I can only say I hope Jane Fonda dies of terminal a$$ cancer. Bleeding terminal a$$ cancer at that.
Of course Wendi Deng Murdoch exploded that guy’s head. She’s Chinese. She was born with super-human kung fu skills.
michelle cottle from the daily beast is such a pervert !!! Have you read the crap about Marcus Bachmann ? I didn’t think so . Any way , I have one comment for her or should I say ….. it . Prove obama is not a flamming ball of beast turd . michelle , is your father gay ? He must be . I mean with a mother that looks like michelle obama and all ……….
A Wasserman-Schultz is an albino jihadist with really bad hair. If one of these reaches the Alan Grayson level of bat crap crazy you give it a bad home perm and the honorific of Debbie.
Prison for Congress? That sounds too expensive. Cattle prods would probably be more effective in the short term anyway, and funnier to watch as well (Don’t prod me, bro!).
Wasserman-Schultz sounds like an annoying condition, like dishpan hands. Something that’s uncomfortable for a while, but it is pointless to whine about because you always get better so you make fun of it instead.
Waserman-Schultz is the stuff that’s left on the floor of the shower after you get done scrubbing your nads…
Wasserman-Schultz is a comet. The self-entitled, idiotic comet of hate!
“Wasserman-Schultz” is the name of a political maneuver where a Democrat president leads from behind dumb women.
Wasserman-Schultz is the scientific measurement of the IQ level of puss-like secretions from abscesses, boils or ulcers. The most famous secretion scored an IQ of 70, took on the name of the test, and eventually was elected to Congress from Florida’s 20th district. Being a gerrymandered, highly Democratic district, nobody of higher intelligence could be found.
Wasserman-Schultz is a progressive, liberal, democrat. That is by far the worst, most disrespectful thing one person can call another. Ever.