Archive of entries posted on 7th July 2011

Nuke the News: Mathematically ‘Proven’ to Be Funny

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* Obama now says he wants $4 trillion in cuts. So previously Obama hadn’t even cared about proposing a budget that didn’t still add to the deficit, but now he wants trillions in cuts. I know what you’re thinking: “It’s a trap!” Yeah, but he’s also an idiot. He has to be able to spring the trap without accidentally strangling himself in one of its strings, and he’s just too inept for that. When Obama puts down a piece of cheese as bait, I say, “Yay! Free cheese!”

* So Obama had his Twitter town hall, and, as expected, he answered a bunch of questions on Justin Bieber. And he wasn’t even taking questions from regular people. One question he answered was from Speaker Boehner and another from New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof (both their questions were also about Bieber).

Interesting the rhetoric Obama used about Republicans: “The debt ceiling should not be something that is used as a gun against the heads of the American people”. First Republicans were just driving cars into ditches and standing idly by as it gets fixed while drinking a Slurpee. And now they’re putting guns to people’s heads? Probably soon they’ll be raping and murdering! Maybe we should have seen it coming. Maybe we should have noticed that they didn’t pay for that Slurpee but got it when they robbed the 7-11. But it’s too late now; they have a debt ceiling pointed right at us! We better do as they say and cut spending!

* Obama’s planning to stay longer in Iraq. Obama had pledged to have everyone out by 2011, but, you know, he’s pledged lots of things. Plus, if we ended that war, then we’d have an even number of wars going, and that’s bad luck.

Still, as John Kerry said: “You know, education, if you make the most of it, if you study hard and you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, uh, you, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.” Kind of a racist statement, in retrospect.

* BTW, here is a nice column from Jonah Goldberg on how the phrase “That’s racist!” is mainly just a punchline to today’s generation. Liberals think that by repeating the accusation enough, it will stick, but really it just makes them look like mindless idiots.

* Nidal Hasan, the Fort Hood shooter, will have a military trial and could face the death penalty. Hasan’s lawyers urged that they not seek the death penalty saying that such a trial will be costly. I would like to put to rest all his worries and assure him it will not be costly. The military uses the death penalty all the time — often without a trial — so they’re very efficient at it. In fact, you could say their main mission is to kill bad people, and they are very good at it. Much better than say the post office or the DMV. So I’m sure they’ll be able to give Hasan his trial and execute him way under budget. So no worries; everyone’s happy.

* In another one of those breathless birther e-mails I get multiple times a day and can’t figure out how to stop, they announce “Mathematical ‘proof’ Obama birth certificate a forgery”. See, once again math is Obama’s enemy! Hmm… but why put the scare quotes on the word “proof”? Oh, I know, it’s because THE PEOPLE WHO KEEP SENDING ME THESE THINGS ARE MORONS! Just another reason we need to defeat Obama in 2012: maybe that will cause these people to stop e-mailing me their constant idiocy.

* James Spader will be joining the cast of The Office next season. Nothing witty to say about that, I just like The Office and thought James Spader had a really interesting character in the finale. It’s my blog, and I can just talk about stuff because I like it. Yes, I can! No, you shut up! Fine… I’ll ask for permission next time.

* Wisdom of the Day: “To those who want more income for the government: 47% of Americans pay ZERO Federal Income Tax.” –Dave Ramsey

Random Thoughts

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Has David Brooks ever not been considered a useless twit by the conservative community?

My wife was telling me about the book Hunger Games. Liked it better when my Asian friend told me about it and it was called Battle Royale.

In America, Battle Royale was called Quarter Battle with Cheese.

The only thing I want to know about the lower class is whether their backs are sturdy enough to support my weight when I step on them. Frank J. 2016

How many Internets is enough?

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You remember Barack Obama, right?

He was that idiot that a lot of other idiots went and elected to the presidency. You remember. Sure you do.

Anyway, he’s still around. Not very relevant — it’s hard to be that incompetent and still be relevant — but still around.

According to Politico, he said that schools need more “internets.”

That makes me wonder: how many internets is enough?

Maybe we could have one that liberals could use. Them and Europe. Liberals love Europe. They forget that 235 years ago we fought a war so we wouldn’t have to do things the way Europe does. But, being idiots, the liberals forget things like that.

Anyway, let’s have some internets set aside for them. Then, we won’t have to put up with trolls on our Internet. Except the RONPAUL!!!1!!!! worshippers. We could keep the libertarians, too, I suppose. But those liberaltarians — the liberal version of libertarians — can go with them.

Maybe some internets set aside for cats. I see a lot of the Internet taken up by cats. Let’s move them to their own. Not as banishment, like for liberals and their kind, but so that we can keep them all in one place, you know, to keep up with them. When we need a good LOLCAT or OMGCAT or PIANOKITTEH fix, we’ll know where to go. And when we don’t, they aren’t using up all our bandwidth.

Oh, and one for spammers. They need their own bunch of internets. When they start buying each other’s Viagra or Rolex watches or move each other’s money out of Nigeria, they’ll be self-supporting and not bothering us.

What other internets are needed?