[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra] "We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time."

— ¥Wylde de Laserbeest (@flashember) May 26, 2015

When Hillary said that she and Bill were dead broke, she meant morally.

— WH PRESS SECRETARY (@weknowwhatsbest) May 28, 2015

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

— Mas Jef (@PajamaStew) June 1, 2015

Patriot Act: the law that mandated cavity searches and spying on every American to solve the problem of Saudis students overstaying visas.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) June 1, 2015

Therapist: Whats the problem Wife: Hes dead inside T: Lets try something, WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA? Me: No one thats absurd

— Pun Graduate (@MarlonBrandNO) June 1, 2015

"Did you see that Bruce-" It's Caitlyn now. "*sigh* -that Caitlyn Springsteen is playing at the arena?"

— Lord Pinky (@HiddenPinky) June 2, 2015

The ironic thing about dudes that own swords having ponytails is theyre literally holding the cure and cause of the problem in their hand

— many other comics (@sad_tree) June 2, 2015

I'm trying to open this bag of chips quietly so the guy in the next bathroom stall doesnt ask for any

— Dirt McTurd (@DirtMcTurd) June 2, 2015