Red Staters! There has been too much violence, too much pain. None here are without sin, but I have an honorable compromise. Just walk away, and I will spare your lives. Just walk away. I will give you safe passage in the wasteland. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror.

SACRAMENTO (AP) – Inspired by President Donald Trump’s temporary ban on travel by citizens of several majority-Muslim countries, California Governor Jerry “Moonbeam” Brown signed legislation banning travel into California from citizens of majority-conservative US states.

“These Red Staters are a threat to our way of life,” said Brown. “we are a society of open minds, tolerant hearts, and bankrupt county governments. We don’t need their kind coming in and forcing their hate speech and fiscal responsibility down our throats.”

“Obviously,” continued Brown, “all residents of blue states are still welcome to come and go as they please. We welcome you regardless of race, religion, national origin, sexual preference, or immigration status, as long as you buy some touristy garbage that has sales tax on it. But all those straight white Christian people who’ve never made a video with friends where you splice in clips of you saying the same word the last person just said – we don’t want you. Try North Virginia or West Dakota or one of those stupid places where clingy, religiony, gun people hang out.”

The move seemed popular among most residents, although no polling has actually been done due to the chaos from anti-Trump rallies that have left many parts of the state as MadMaxian wastelands of fire and modified dune buggies. However, a masked, molotov-toting passerby was willing to go on record anonymously as supporting the new law as a way of “giving those Trumplorables what they deserve”.

“I heard Trump once tweeted a quote from a website that published an article that had a link to another website that featured an ad that used the word “Jew”. And Trump isn’t Jewish, so that’s either cultural appropriation or antisemitism, but definitely racism. Which I’m against. I’m not Jewish though. Wait… is that offensive? Can we start over?”

A question that the growing California secession movement asks residents every day.