LONDON (AP) – Beloved British Monarch Elizabeth II marked the 65th anniversary of her ascension to the throne with The King’s Troop Royal Horse Artillery taking part in a ceremony to fire a 41-gun salute. Afterward, the Queen spent the rest of the day haggling with a shopkeeper in an attempt to get back the money she recently spent purchasing a Norwegian Blue parrot.

“Her Royal Majesty was greatly disappointed by the service received at the pet shop,” said Buckingham Palace spokesman Dinsdale Piranha. “Apparently they’d merely nailed a dead bird to the perch and told the Queen that it was ‘resting.’ Obviously she didn’t believe a word of it, and tried explaining that the poor fellow had several medical conditions that even the NHS couldn’t fix, like being passed on, expired, gone to meet his maker, bereft of life, resting in peace, pushing up daisies, off the twig, kicked the bucket, shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the choir invisible. Yet the owner denied that it was an ex-parrot.”

Disappointed, but determined to remain upbeat, Queen Elizabeth sought to comfort herself with some cheesy comestibles, but was again let down.

“Not only was the Camembert very runny, the cat had eaten it,” said Piranha. “In fact, the Queen couldn’t talk Mr. Wensleydale into selling her ANY cheese. She considered shooting him, but decided against it as being a senseless waste of human life. Instead, she considered the possibility that there was a miscommunication on her part.”

“Even as we speak, her driver is taking her across town to enroll in an Argument Clinic, and possibly Being Hit on the Head Lessons to keep that pesky crown from falling off.”