Pakistan: Police Hunt for ‘Healer’ Who Hit Nail Into Woman’s Head
BBC | 2/9/22
The woman arrived at a hospital in Peshawar after trying to extract the 5cm (two-inch) nail with pliers.
Straight Line of the Day: Ways to tell that your healer isn’t qualified: …
Opens Web MD on their laptop right from the start…
… or has trouble logging into it …
…their “Go To” cureall is a proctology exam.
Brags about finally earning their First Aid merit badge during the exam
…read Galoshes 15:7 and you will understand.
Galoshes?
It’s the climate change version of Galatians.
“… a reading from the book of Galaxians, Pew:Pew.”
“The reading today is from the book of Punter, Chapter 9, Verse 17: ‘All we have to fear is me.’”
…has nicknamed their scalpel, “Ol’ Rusty.”
… or “The Widowmaker.”
Better than, “Sword of Damocles”
…answers to “Dr Fauci”.
Prescription is a glass jar of roots and some dark colored liquid.
Had this actually happen to me. Third child on the way, water breaks, meet with the midwife later that morning. She asks “So…do you want to have this baby today?” Wife looks at me as is “…well…yeah…” Midwife leaves the room and comes back holding a Walmart bag which she sets on the counter with a resounding thud. Reaches into said Walmart bag and pulls out (I kid you not…) a Mason Jar. About 1/3 full with this gawd awful looking stuff in it, let’s equate it to puree of Brunswick stew. On a handwritten label is “German Birthing Cocktail”. Said you go home, add about a cup of champagne to it and down it over an hour. Guaranteed to start labor within 12 hours. So head home, take a walk, nothing happening. She decides to chug the Mason Jar. Settles down for an hour nap and wakes up with an “Oh! Contraction!” Had three small contractions in an hour. We decide it’s time to head to the hospital (30 minutes away). As soon as we get on the road, BAM! BAM! BAM! contractions start hitting every 2-3 minutes. Make it (thankfully) to the hospital, pull up to main entrance, get her our (leaving car with keys still in it) and get her to maternity ward. 15 minutes later, out pops Captain Chaos!
There were other things her midwife was definitely non-traditional with prior to this, which earned her the endearing nickname Witch Doctor with us.
Moral of the story is…When the Mason Jar gets passed to you, you take a slug.
My second spawn went from “hmm” to “call an ambulance” to self-birthing in the ambulance within an hour. But rest assured, the hospital we were diverted to billed for full OB care.
…their motto on the wall is, “You win some, and you lose some.”
… uses actual heelers for diagnosis…
https://www.akc.org/expert-advice/news/meet-americas-cancer-sniffing-canines/
… advertises exclusively on Craigslist…
…and wants payment in gift cards.
… the billing address is at the state penitentiary…
He tells his patients that he lives in a gated community
… says “You can tell it’s really working by the way it burns”…
…thinks M.D. stands for Mountain Doctor.
…if his ducks appear to be in a row, but they are all shouting “QUACK”.
Office is a van in the dollar store parking lot.
Not down by the river?
Too obvious.
Too Joe-ish.
And charges $1.25
His name starts with a homophone of “faux.”
Waves mangy feline around your head for the Cat-Scan, bills Medicaid $10K.
Gets paid.
Prepares injection with a spoon and candle
You’re at a VA clinic.
At the end of your exam, it is implied that an extra fifty bucks will get you a happy ending.
Plays Mötley Crüe when entering the exam room.
Assigns Alec Baldwin to give you a shot.
His mentor was either Theodoric of York or Anthony Fauci.
SNL laugh, but probably still this side of an Obscury.
Steve Martin rules.
“I forgot.”
When asked to take your pulse, says “Dammit, Jim, I’m a healer, not a magician!”
(Your name’s not Jim.)
Buys his mumbo in the jumbo size.
Case notes almost completely consist of “WTF?”
His old man has an ultimate set of tools.
Reads instructions from card: “Remove funny bone. Ha, ha, ha.”
Is a Crip; can’t stand the sight of Bloods.
Last name is Morel or worse, Mengele
… Moreau … Caligari …
…claims he was inspired to become a doctor by Weird Al Yankovic’s “Like a Surgeon”.
…he doesn’t differentiate his oral and rectal thermometers.
…keeps saying, “Jack Kevorkian? Amateur!”
Uses the wrong sized nail.
“No, I wanted Brad…”
“Two pennies for your thoughts.”
Insists on being called doctor, even though her degree is in education.
And her son is the one with all the knowledge about pharmaceuticals.
their assistant looks like Marty Feldman.
“I ain’t got no body.”
The prescription is legible.
…Magenta and Riff Raff are going to escort you to the laboratory.
Outstanding.
It’s astounding.
(Time is fleeting)
…has the nickname, Vlad the Intubator.
…his instruments were all made by, Binford Tools..
His office music is an endless loop of “Instant Pharma’s Gonna Get You”
Or … Pharma Chameleon
“Agreein’ Acres is the place to be
Pharma living is the life for me
Manspreadin’s out so far, and why?
Keep man-hatin’, just gimme that patricide. “
Nails you instead of screws you.
…asks for the defibrillator to be charged to “220, 221, Whatever it takes.”
Chalk outline on floor in waiting room
No stethoscope, uses old drink cup.
Thermometer tastes like sh*t.
…when giving you a prostate exam, he grabs you with both hands by your shoulders.
Literally laughs all the way to the bank.
Fourth item on treatment list is always IV.
Eye chart is letters cut from an old magazine
Tongue depressor is spoon with dried soup on it.
Buys his nail gun and spackle at Harbor Freight.
Poor trigger discipline before shouting “Clear.”
Looks at you and asks nurse if he could wear brown shoes with that.
#2 . . . +1
Has you climb up for a pap test..theres a mirror on the wall and begins with..” Gentlemen and Ladies..put your hands together forrr..”
…while doing your physical, asks if you validate parking..