Straight Line of the Day: Q and A with Joe Biden.
Since the media has its hands full trying to portray Biden as at best a creepazoid relative, I thought we could help fill the newspaper columns with some “Dear Abby” normal questions and answers to make Old Joe sound a little more human.
Q: How do you know if a guy is the right one for you?
A: C’mon, man! You wanna fight?
.
Q: How did you get all those bumps and declivities on your head?
A: Here’s the deal. There’s two answers. You know that the Secret Service reads these, right? That’s number one.
.
Q: What is your plan for this afternoon?
A: I could answer, but, man, I’d get in trouble.
Q: Who is the strongest member of the Fantastic Four?
A: You know…The Thing
And your favorite Addams Family character?
What was the best Volkswagen product ever produced?
What was the scariest sci-fi movie you ever saw?
What’s the name of that popular roadside attraction in Arizona?
Q: Mr pResident, what do you credit your success to?
A: Badakathkare!
Q: What’s your favorite color?
A: Hold on a second…[thumbs through a book of Neil Kinnock speeches]
Q: What foreign policy lessons have you learned so far?
A: Vlad Putin is a baaaad dude…
It’s hard to get just the right vocal inflection via text.
Q:Who do you see yourself serving?
A: The c’mon man….
Q:What has the Vice President been doing for you lately?
A:Kamala is so protective – she’s been hard at work building an isolation box with a built-in hard lid…
Q: Mr. pResident, what bothers you the most?
A: Trying to find the SOB that sh*t my pants.
Question: What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?
Joe: The worst thing I ever done – I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa – and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.
I’m beginning to like this kid…
Q: Mr. pResident, was it hard signing all of those executive orders in one day?
A: Well, those pens are cold and hard. Crayons are soft and tasty.
Q. What are you doing about Israel?
A. Got my man on the way. If it gets worse, I will call up Winkin and Nod.
What’s the worst part of standing through a press conference?
Eh, Depends.
Q: Good morning, Mr. President, how are you?
A: Horses don’t have feathers and a vest doesn’t have sleeves…lemon…lemon…
Q: Mr. President, what’s the sound of one hand clapping?
A: (Slaps himself) THWAP!
Q: What should I tell my daughter who wants to join a cult and shave her head?
A: That wouldn’t be scentsible.
“Where are you going Joe?”
“Wapner in 10 minutes, definitely.“
“Why did you run for President?”
“They said there’d be pudding.“
Q. On the scale of best presidents ever, where do you rank?
A. 6th all time.
Q. How did you figure that?
A. Lincoln, Reagan and Trump are tied for 1st. 17 are tied for 2nd. 23 are tied for 3rd. Carter is 4th. Obama is 5th. I am 6th.
Q. On the scale of best presidents ever, where do you rank?
A. I’ll let you know when I get elected President. Until then, Imma focus on being the best darned VP for the 6th straight term.
Q. What TV show title best describes your administration?
A. Welcome Back Carter
Q. How about the Pelosi run House?
A. Route 666
Q. How about the smartest guy in the world, Hunter?
A. Hooligan’s Island
Q. Democrats endless tax increase proposals?
A. Green Takers
Q. iPods of Obama speeches
A. Game of Groans
Q. The Biden economy?
A. C * R * A * S * H
Q: How often do you take your teeth out?
A: I never do – they jump out on their own.
Q: What’s the airspeed velocity of an unladen Swallow?
A: I’ll let President Kamala handle that, she’s the expert.
Wouldn’t that be a laid swallow?
Well the laden does come before the swallow.
Q: What are you going to do about the crisis in the middle east?
A: There’s no more of a crisis in the middle east than there is on our southern border.
Q: What’s your overall assessment of President Putin??
A: It looks like he hates American fuel pipelines even more than I do.
Q: Hey Joe, where you goin’ with that gun in your hand?
A: Alright. I’m goin down to shoot my old lady,
you know I caught her messin’ ’round with another man.
Q: Still sniffing little girls hair?
A: I just tell ’em that I’m a defensive back, covering split ends.
Q: Second smartest person you know?
A: Me. Like they always try to hide my pudding in a big bowl of pills but I find it every time.
Q: Do you have a message to the American people?
A: Dr. Jill calls me C. Alice ‘cuz I can fix your insurrection problems.