It’s time for my predictions for 2009! And you know mine are going to be more accurate since I waited until we were a couple weeks into 2009 so I could get a feel for things.
FRANK PREDICTIONS FOR 2009
* Katie Couric gets another exclusive interview with Sarah Palin and as part of it goes out on a moose hunting trip with Governor. She is never heard from again.
* When Barack Obama is inaugurated, he wows his supporters by walking on water across the reflecting pool and healing the sick with his mere touch. This fails to have any positive effect on the economy.
* Housing prices drop to the point that the average price is two for a dollar. No one takes advantage of the deal as they’re all unable to obtain financing.
* The Middle East runs out of oil. They try to supplement their economy by selling rocks and sharpened sticks.
* The economy is further hampered when Dick Cheney holds the world hostage from his new undisclosed location inside a hollowed out volcano.
* Temperatures will rise, defying all computer models of global warming.
* The Rick Warren prayer goes as bad as liberals fear, Rick Warren spending most of his prayer beating up gay people while Obama watches and laughs.
* Rod Blagojevich is thrown out of office and defiantly appoints his replacement: Rod Blagojevich.
* Nancy Pelosi’s skull finally escapes the face barely holding it back.
* Helped by the bailout money, the big three automakers work together to build a super car that is hailed by everyone for how it doesn’t always explode.
* Aliens invade and demand to be taken to our leader. When they see our leader is Obama, they’re so impressed they give us free candy.
* Israel is condemned by the world for whatever it is it’s currently doing.
* Iraq becomes a becomes a beacon of hope and democracy in the Middle East, but Obama panics when he gets his head stuck in a bucket while visiting the country and accidentally sets it on fire, screwing up everything once again. Oooobamaaaaa! ::shakes fist::
* Microsoft claims its Windows 7 will fix all the problems of Vista, but FEMA prepares just in case.
* So many companies receive a bailout that soon all the American people are forced to work in underground salt mines to keep failed businesses a float. That’s Obamanomics for you.
You forgot the most obvious, Harry Reid will replace all seating in the Senate with working toilets. It will be praised as “brilliant leadership.”
Some of my favorites
– abortion industry receives a bailout after birth rate drops so precipitously there are no more babies to kill
– after building new bridges and roads, Americans realize nobody uses them as they a) can’t afford the tolls and b) all work at home in their underwear as part of the new service economy 2.0
– following the example of the Somali pirates, Osama bin Laden is found drowned in his bathtub with money sent from Obama as payoff for no more attacks
– bailout mania reaches it peak at the end of the year as Obama runs down the streets of Washington DC just throwing money from big sacks at everybody he sees
Robert Gates disagrees with Hillary Clinton during a Cabinet meeting. Hillary hisses, her eyes turn to burning coals and a beam of light blasts from them instantly turning Gates to ashes in his chair. Nobody comments and the meeting continues as White House janitorial staff (all African-American) vacuum up the former Defense Secretary…
WELL OF COURSE OBAMA WILL WALK ACROSS THE REFLECTING POOL–IT WILL BE FROZEN, DESPITE ALL THE CRAP ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING.
AND WHO DISAPPEARS ON THE MOOSE HUNT–PALIN OR COURIC? (LIKE I HAD TO ASK)
ROD BLAGOWHATSHIS NAME’S HAIRDRESSER WILL GET A GOVERNMENT BAILOUT NOW THAT THE HAIRDRESSER LOST HIS FULL TIME JOB–THEY WON’T LET HIM IN PRISON TO DO BLAGO’S HAIR.
* Israel is condemned by the world for whatever it is it’s currently doing.
Technically, that’s not a prediction, it’s an absolute truth.
obamanomics….daduhdee duh
obaminomics…mahnahmahnah
obaminomics…bah dee dee bah dee dee bah dee dee dee dee dee
It’s going to stick in my head all friggin’ day now.. Thanks Frank
Yah but what I want to know is who is going to cure B.O. ?
“Do you have a prediction for the
fightyear 2009?”“Prediction?”
“Yes, prediction.”
“Pain.”
Just to see how far he can go with his supporters, during his first State of the Union speech, Barry will will shout, “I gotz yer state of th’ union right here…biotches!” and defecate on the podium.
It will be hailed as a bold move by Andrea Mitchell as she breaks out the crackers.
My prediction for 2009:
People are going to starting begging for 2012.
The Arizona Cardinals win the Super Bowl, Mickey Rourke wins the Oscar, the Kansas City Royals win the World Series, and Barack Obama launches an amazing surgical strike that simultaneously takes out both Iran’s and Pakistan’s nuclear weapons. Unfortunately, this triggers World War III, killing an estimated 120 million Americans. Obama and the Democrats are quick to blame George W. Bush; the strategy works, and within weeks, Obama’s approval ratings are back around 85%…
After tracking Obama to Hawaii, a long light saber battle ensues between Zo and Obama http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbW64215HA8 , resulting in Obama being badly burned by lava. Found barely alive by George Sorros, Obama is the clad in the Darth Vader outfit and dubbed Darth Barak. Sorros becomes the new dark emperor, dissolves the Republic and forms the New World Empire. Conservatives form a rebellion, though not aided by Ewoks. Ewoks become Sarah Palin’s new ariel hunting targets.
To garner badly needed support from the other 99.9% of America, Obama launches a nuclear strike against Canada. 99.9% of America agrees with his decision and his popularity soars!
Jeanine Garafallo’s character on 24 will turn out to be the terrorist agent. She will once again be killed by Team America World Police.
After demonstrating he can’t make any decisions, Obama will be recast as “President Towlie” after he answers a journalist’s question with, “Just let me get high! I know I’ll remember the answer if I get high!” This will come as a complete shock after months of softball questions, and the journalist in question will be hung immediately by his fellow press pool.
Conservatives hold off on any John Galt decisions until after the season finalies of “24” and “Terminator”.
The night before Obama takes office, a Heaven’s Gate-like cult is found dead in a Chicago neighborhood wearing matching Air Jordans and leaving notes that they were expecting to be taken up by Elijaah Mohamed’s UFO, known now as “The Brothership”.
I want to subscribe to your blog, seems funny but…there’s a problem.
10 Samantha,
Do you mean 2012 the year or 2012 the predicted date of the end of the world?
After 4 years of Obama being in office with Pelosi and Reid, is that quibbling over details?
Will we care at that point, or will it be like on Red State Update where they describe their predictions for the Palin Biden debate as “like all the trainwrecks in the world are combined into two Voltron train wrecks, and the trains are full of drunk clowns riding donkeys, and the donkeys are saying ‘I AM A MORON’. People will wish that Planet of the Apes was real, and was happening now, because they’ll be like Charlton Heston looking up at the Statue of Liberty and say “Well, this is pretty bad but it ain’t nothin like that [Obama administration]”.
The Steelers win the All Pennsylvania, New York free, Manning free Super Bowl.
Obama and his puppet master, George Soros, complete their conversion of the former United States of America into the Soviet States of America and Communist Central Planning lowers the standard of living to that of Uganda by 2011.
Since the Bill of Rights was officially rescinded in 2010 and all gun owners were inprisioned, err I mean sent to re-education centers, no one has any will to ressist total DNC control. Pelosi and Reid, at Soros’ direction, announce the Obama is Devine and will rule for life.
All traces of the once free and prosperous United States are erased for human menory.
If we don’t change it, it will happen.
Ross Perot escapes from inside of harry reid leaving harry unable to talk.
Nancy pelouseeeeeee realizes that her hair is still stuck in a door in san fran sucko and that her head has streched beyond recognition.
george soros’ hand slips from the back of that one, thus causeing all teleprompters to cease functioning.
Osama Bin Laden announces his intention to disband his terrorist network because, “With a weenie like him in the Whitehouse, being an evil, terrorist mastermind is just too easy. I’m going into international banking, where I can Really do some damage!”
George Soros, finally faced with a rival worthy of his evil genius, looses all interest in politics and retreats to his secret mountain lair.
The Bin Laden/Soros Banking Wars are waged entirely on-line across all national borders world-wide. Paper money value fluctuates so wildly that alternative units of exchange become necessary. MP3 downloads of popular songs, Dunk’n Donuts coupons, and Calling Plan Minutes become the foundation of the new economy.
Obama, Reid, Pelosi and the Democrats in congress, their trillions in bailout money suddenly worthless have trouble dealing with the sudden loss of power and prestige.
“As when death smites the swollen brooding thing that inhabits their crawling hill and holds them all in sway, ants will wander witless and purposeless and then feebly die, so the creatures of Soros, lib or troll or journalist spell-enslaved, ran hither and thither mindless; and some slew themselves, or cast themselves in pits, or fled wailing back to hide in holes and dark lightless places far from hope.”
The governors of the states of Maryland and Virginia flip a coin to see who gets stuck with the task of re-incorporating the District of Columbia into their states.
A new capital is set up at an abandoned airfield in Kansas. The House and Senate meet inside unused hangers on folding chairs with TV trays for desks. When not in session the congressmen and senators live in surplus FEMA trailers (4 to a trailer) and eat at a field kitchen manned by the Salvation Army.
They get more real work done in a week than they usually do in 6 months.
By October, my biweekly salary
is COLA adjusted to $1,000,000.
After taxes , it is enough to buy two loaves of bread
and a 18oz. jar of Jif, well , it would be if
I would tattoo an “O” symbol on my right hand or forehead.
” Nancy Pelosi’s skull finally escapes the face barely holding it back.”
Does that mean she will become a Demi-Lich?