[Submitted by zzyzx (High Praise!)]
4) Give us more government or everyone dies
3) Vote for Democrats or everyone dies
2) Impeach Trump or everyone dies
Archive of posts filed under the Lists category.
9 Ways to Avoid the Slammer in a Totalitarian Regime
[A Guest Post by Todd Persuad]
We often find ourselves wrapped up in fascism, so cleverly hidden or disguised, it can already be surveiling us. Privacy is dead. No matter what Incognito mode in Google tells you. NSA could be spying on us through Skype!
Anyone could conceivably go to jail for crimes they don’t even realize they’re committing. And we all commit crimes everyday even if we don’t know it; I’m talking to you Bill. How, then, can you avoid the slammer?
1) Get a job – Live a regimented schedule. THE MAN runs that system. Her name might be Cheryl but she’s still, THE MAN.
2) Get married – Make sure the person is extra clingy to keep you EXTRA busy.
3) Have lots of children – Nothing ties you down better than being saddled with more responsibilities that you can handle.
4) Buy a house – And pay that off for the rest of your life. Intertwined with job and marriage, this makes a perfect trifecta of support. Plus, they keep you locked into one location, which makes you easier to spy on, duh!
5) Learn to not live in obscene excess – Uncle Sam will love you for it. We can see history repeating itself with inflation and hyperinflation. Yes, I’m talking to you, Argentina!
6) Sever ties with everyone – Anyone could implicate you, so why bother? Stick with those in government. Anyone in a soldier suit is your friend, police and armed service personnel included. Besides, they have big guns! You wouldn’t want them angry.
7) Don’t talk about the government – The government is behaving just like a government. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t criticize anybody. It could lead to unwanted attention from authorities.
8) No drugs that aren’t prescribed by a doctor – Read my lips: state-sanctioned drugs only. They’re adding some to your water to keep you docile anyway. Why mess with greatness?
9) Study all types of crime so you know what not to commit – Read “How to Make Money in Your Spare Time”, “The Debt Resistors’ Operations Manual”, and “Narconomics: How to Run a Drug Cartel”.
These are all subject to serious testing and experimentation. When in doubt, turn the phone off and hide in your room. Just make sure you remove the SIM card. That’s how they track you!
[Ed. – This is Todd’s first submission. Give him encouragement or just huck tofu at his head. Whichever you feel he deserves]
Patriotic Flag Stuff
Celebrate Earth Day With These Fun Facts About the Earth
(from 2008)
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The earth rotates at approximately 1000 miles per hour. The actual speed depends on the latitude of the observer. Apparent speed depends on how many beers he’s had.
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Roughly 2,000,000 pounds of space dust enters the atmosphere from space every year and reaches the planet’s surface. Some scientists claim that they bring space microbes that cause the flu. Others say that they’re just very tiny space-Mexicans heeding the call of their border-crossing nature.
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Rainforests once covered 14% of the earth’s land surface, now they only cover 2%, thus greatly reducing the number of places from which velociraptors can lurk and pounce.
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80% of all life on earth is found under the ocean surface. Of that total, 63% can be made tasty with lemon and butter.
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In the last 500 years, approximately 300,000 people have been killed by volcanoes, which is approximately 300,000 more than have been killed by global warming, if you don’t count the people who have been bored to death listening to Al Gore preach on the topic.
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Earth is home to over 10,000 religions, all but one of which are wrong.
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If all the ice in Antarctica were to melt, it would cause sea level to rise by 200 feet. It’s also currently the only plausible theoretical way to make hippies bathe.
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The total number of animal species currently known is 1.5 million. Although some environmentalists estimate that half of these could be threatened with extinction, history has shown only the ones that don’t taste like beef or chicken need to worry.
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The earth has either one large moon or millions of tiny ones, depending on whether Frank finally did the ONE JOB we’ve been paying him to do all these years.
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The second hottest place on earth is Death Valley, which got up to 134 Fahrenheit on July 10, 1913. The hottest place on earth is anywhere a Marine points to while calling for air support.
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Lightning hits somewhere on earth 100 times every second, about the rate at which a typical Conservative shudders while contemplating how close we came to having “President Hillary” in 2016.
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Although most people are concerned about oxygen, the earth’s atmosphere is actually about 80% nitrogen. This element is useful for providing nutrients to plant root systems and stopping futuristic cyborg attacks – temporarily.
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The largest ocean on earth is the Pacific, which was named after the pacifists who were killed and tossed into it by pirates and other non-pansies.
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Over 99.9% of the earth experienced a slight, but measurable, decrease it its average temperature over the last decade. The other .1% received Federal grant money.
19 Fun Facts About Christmas
(from 2012)
- The beloved holiday icon Santa Claus originally wore a green outfit, which he changed to red after joining the Communist Party.
- Christmas specials which show Santa’s workshop at the North pole often include penguins. This is factually incorrect, since penguins are native to the SOUTH pole, where, coincidentally, Santa’s evil twin brother Satan Claus has HIS workshop.
- He mostly makes fruitcakes – the most concentrated form of evil known to man.
- Tree decorating originated with tree-worshiping Druids, whose modern descendants mostly just whine about globalization and throw garbage cans through windows at Starbucks.
- If an elf bites you, you become one.
- Not everyone celebrates Christmas. Jews celebrate Hanukkah, which commemorates some magic oil that burned for 8 days. Oddly, this is not the same “OIIIIIILLLLL!” that the Iraq war was “all about”.
- The majority of terrorists don’t celebrate Christmas, either. Mostly because they’ve been killed by Americans.
- Rastafarians celebrate Christmas by smoking marijuana on Christmas Day.
- And every other day.
- Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer, which are just like regular deer, except somewhat larger and thus more likely to collapse the roof of your car after they bounce off your hood.
- Santa’s reindeer can also fly, probably because they’re Rastafarians.
- The French celebrate Christmas by decorating trees and surrendering to them.
- The tradition of kissing under the mistletoe originated to allow married men to make out with their mistresses at office parties, and survives today despite the invention of the broom closet.
- A “Christmas Club” is a savings account in which a person deposits a fixed amount of money regularly to be used at Christmas for shopping. It’s also a stick used to beat up Salvation Army bell-ringers so you can steal their kettles.
- The Friday after Thanksgiving is the second busiest shopping day of the year. The busiest is “Thank Goodness Gas Stations Sell Roses Day”, AKA “Valentine’s Day”.
- Before settling on the name “Tiny Tim” for the character’s name in “A Christmas Carol”, Charles Dickens also considered such names as Feeble Frank, Crippled Carl, Defective Dan, Hobbling Harry, and Mutilated Marvin.
- Eggnog is a traditional holiday beverage made from eggs and named after the sound people make after having one too many of them.
- Christmas was once a moveable feast celebrated at many different times during the year. The choice of December 25 was made by Pope Julius I in the 4th century A.D. so that he could get the day off to go skiing.
- Some families open their presents on Christmas Eve. Some families open their presents on Christmas morning. This or slavery was the cause of the Civil War.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get the roof of my car replaced.
15 Fun Facts About Independence Day
Independence Day is a holiday where patriots celebrate the founding of a free nation and should not be confused with any insipid, 2-hour long Jeff Goldblum commercials for Apple computers.
1) The first Independence Day in America was celebrated on July 4th, 1776, the day the Continental Congress approved the document that declared our independence from Great Britain. The war that followed lasted until 1783, so basically less messy than most divorces.
2) The major objection to being ruled by Britain was pithily summed up as “taxation without representation”. Minor objections included “Brit hookers aren’t lookers” and “your tea tastes like pee”.
3) Thomas Jefferson presented the first draft of the Declaration of Independence to Congress on June 28th, 1776, but it wasn’t passed, so no one ever found out what was in it.
4) Betsy Ross actually sewed the first American flag two months before Independence Day, a case of premature embroideration.
5) The first public Independence Day event at the White House occurred in 1804 during the Jefferson administration and was attended mainly by hippies accusing the President of waging war to steal oil from the Barbary pirates.
6) Before cars ruled the roadway, Independence Day was traditionally the most miserable day of the year for horses, tormented by kids who threw firecrackers at them. Think of it as a primitive version of “Angry Birds”.
7) Lewis and Clark celebrated the first Independence Day west of the Mississippi at Independence Creek near Atchison, Kansas. The main festivity consisted of throwing firecrackers at cyclones, resulting in the death of over 100 Munchkins and the Good Witch of the South.
8) Both Thomas Jefferson and John Adams died on Independence Day, 1826. Jefferson, however, managed to outlive Adams by a few minutes, thus fulfilling the tontine and securing for himself the front of both the nickel and the two dollar bill.
9) The names of the signers of the Declaration of Independence were withheld from the public for more than six months to protect the signers from being prosecuted for treason. Not sure what Jane Fonda did to dodge that bullet.
10) In 1941, Congress declared Independence Day a federal legal holiday. It is one of the few federal holidays that has not been moved to the nearest Friday or Monday, due mostly to the fact that bills proposing the move are always introduced too close to the Memorial Day weekend to get acted upon.
11) Over 100 other nations besides America celebrate their own Independence Day. All of whom, ironically, are completely dependent on America to protect them militarily.
12) A large percentage of Americans also celebrate Dependence Day. Usually around the 1st of the month when the check from Uncle Sam hits the ol’ mailbox.
13) The traditional form of celebration on Independence Day is setting off illegal fireworks. If some killjoy cop tries to bust you for it, play “Angry Birds” with him.
14) Also traditional, yet less popular in modern times – writing long, bilious letters to monarchs That include random Capitalization and ftarting “s” words with the letter “f”.
15) To be safe on Independence Day, never carry fireworks in your pocket or shoot them off in metal or glass containers. To have fun on Independence Day, always light your fireworks with a burning sheet of safety tips.
Have a happy Independence Day, and remember – an Independence Day parade ain’t an Independence Day parade unless it includes at least one tarred and feathered Redcoat.
Alternative Headlines for Trump Abandoning the Paris Climate Deal
Saw this one on the Weather Channel:
‘Sad Day for the World’: Globe Reacts to Trump’s Decision to Pull U.S. Out of Paris Accord
That is NOT how I feel about it at all.
And if I were writing headlines for this story, they’d be more along the lines of:
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Trump Waves from Dock As Climate Titanic Sets Sail
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America Removes Red Nose, Leaves Climate Clown Party
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Emancipation Proclamation: Trump Removes Climate Shackles from US
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America Now Free to Sell Air Conditioners to Rest of Planet if Globe Actually Heats Up, Which It Won’t
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Trump Meep-Meeps from Cliff As World Looks Down to See Itself Standing on Thin Air
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Trump Takes Freedom Ball, Goes Home
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“Harrison Bergeron” Reboot Gets Happy Ending
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USA 1, World 0: A Strange Game… The Only Winning Move Is Not to Play
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“We Never Had to Take Any of It Seriously, Did We?” – “No, We Never Had To“
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Cool! Now Do the UN!
15 Fun Facts About Earth Day
(reposted from 2012)
Not content with ruining an hour of your life on March 25th, the greenies are back at it again less than a month later with “Earth Day”, which is like some sort of hippie Christmas or something.
Yeah, leave it to the Watermelons to pick a day for celebration when it’s still too cold to hang out in the back yard wearing an apron and grilling steaks. There’s a reason the 4th of July falls on the 4th of July every year, people.
Since no one you know or like knows anything about Earth Day, I’ll get you up to speed so that if you end up talking to a liberal today, you can dish some knowledge and then act like he’s a total moron for not already knowing these…
15 FUN FACTS ABOUT EARTH DAY
1) Earth Day was invented by Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, on April 22nd 1970, in an valiant effort to make people spend their time caring about the environment instead of snickering at his first name.
2) Earth Day is celebrated every year on April 22nd, which, coincidentally, is Russian dictator V.I. Lenin’s birthday. Although Lenin was too busy being dead to directly participate in the first Earth Day celebration in 1970, visitors to his tomb that day swear they heard chuckling.
3) An early supporter of the Earth Day movement was “Population Bomb” author Paul Erlich, whose work presciently predicted the widespread famines and food riots that killed millions of Americans during the Reagan years.
4) One of the most popular Earth Day activities is to reduce usage of water – a rare and precious commodity which few living people have seen outside of pictures – of which barely 400 quadrillion gallons currently remain.
5) Most Earth Day functions you will attend put out “recycling bins” to collect plastic water bottles. This reduces waste and pollution by having the containers hauled away separate from the garbage bins by 20-ton diesel trucks that get 3 miles to the gallon.
6) On Earth Day 2005, over 1000 people stood on a Canadian ice floe to spell out the words “Arctic Warming,” which, unfortunately, local polar bears mis-read as “Free Crunchy Meat Snacks.”
7) The EPA offers a free newsletter with handy Earth Day tips such as “Keep appliances in good working order.” Which is completely useless advice as it doesn’t tell you whether to use a fork or a knife to fix your toaster.
8) Some folks enjoy writing “6 word essays” on Earth Day, like “Many nations. One planet. Our home.” Mostly people who portrayed Indians in westerns during the 1950’s.
9) In preparation for Earth Day, teachers are encouraged to help children learn about global warming by periodically poking them with an “alertness stick” during a screening of “An Inconvenient Truth”.
10) One of the biggest crises addressed during the first Earth Day celebrations was ozone depletion. We don’t care about that any more.
11) Sadly, although Earth Day was founded on an ideal of environmental justice, American law schools still hand out very few degrees to spotted owls.
12) On Earth Day 2003, students in the UK set a world record by planting 4100 trees, which were later cut down by men who skip and jump, like to press wild flowers, put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars.
13) One of the watchwords of Earth Day is “reuse.” If you see a hobo begging for change using an old Slurpee cup, give him a big ‘ol Earth Day hug of thanks.
14) On the first Earth Day in 1970, activists spilled oil on the sidewalk outside the U.S. Department of the Interior to protest against offshore drilling, completely destroying the crab-fishing industry in the DC metro area.
15) The EPA was founded shortly after, and because of, the first Earth Day in 1970. Since its inception, the EPA has saved enough electricity to power 2 million homes by enforcing laws that prevent power plants from creating that electricity.
Final thought:
Every time someone makes a list of Earth Day activities, they’re really just telling you how you can make hippies cry by doing the opposite.
[YouTube direct link] (Viewer #189,480)
Not Just Hashtag Diplomacy: Twitter Solves Terrorism Problem!
Are these scalp-breathing, smelt-chomping terrorists too extreme for Twitter?
Terrorists, obviously, will be hardest hit – especially Extreme ISIS, Extreme Al Qaeda, and other organizations dumb enough to put the word “Extreme” in their names – but rounding out the top ten will be innocent bystanders like:
* Washed-up 80’s glam-rock bands, (and nostalgic 40-somethings tweeting about their prom themes).
* Liquid-cooled gaming motherboards
* Alternative explanations of back-relaxation in ionic polymer metal composites
* Recreational heavy construction equipment operation
* High-performance, all-terrain, water-resistant, portable, solid-state hard drives
and, of course, any organization dedicated to making it easier for normal people to be able to kill the terrorists that Twitter censorship somehow, incomprehensibly, doesn’t manage to stop.
15 Reasons to Defund PBS
[Submitted by Oppo (High Praise!)]
It’s not actually 15 reasons, because 6 of them are fake news headlines. Try to guess which. (Answers in the extended entry)
1) PBS Airs Anti-NRA Special: ‘Gunned Down: The Power of the NRA’
2) PBS Coaxing Kids To Tell Stories About ‘What Their Parents Don’t Want Neighbors To Know’
3) Bette Midler on Breast Segment on Sesame Street: ‘Nothing To Be Embarrassed About’
4) Agitprop: PBS’ ‘Black Panthers’ Film Lies to Incite Race Hatred
5) Michelle Obama and Cookie Monster Now Friends
6) Ben Affleck demanded PBS program hide his slave-owning ancestor
7) Bert, Ernie, Obama News Hour Segment Cancelled Due To Trump Interference
8) PBS Anchor Judy Woodruff Also Admits Donating to Clinton Foundation
9) After Iran Nuclear Deal, PBS’s Gwen Ifill Tweets “Take That, Bibi”
10) PBS: Ted Cruz and His Father Are “Satanic”
12) FIX IS IN: PBS Moderators Ignore Clinton Scandals
13) No Live Actors, Writers, on Sesame Street Due to Cutbacks
14) PBS NewsHour Cuts Anti-Hillary Portions of Judy Woodruff’s Jill Stein Interview
15) Wikileaks: HRC’s Campaign Has Power Over When PBS Airs Its Stories
Fun Facts About Ireland
(Reposted from 2007)
In honor of St. Patrick’s day, I thought I’d take the time to share a few items that I made turned up while researching the Emerald Isle:
- Ireland was founded in 432 AD by a group of masochists who actually ENJOYED leading bleak lives of hopeless despair. Many of their descendants would later emigrate to Chicago and become Cubs fans.
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In 1998 Danny O’Malley of Dublin created the first internet search engine to specialize in Irish-related information: Alcohoogle.
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Currently, every search term entered therein returns the Guinness home page.
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To prevent illegal immigration into the country, Irish Border Patrol members guard the country’s beaches by hurling empty whiskey bottles at swimmers.
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The Irish possess the most unstoppable Special Forces in the world, which are capable of successfully invading any nation with at least one distillery.
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According to noted zoologist Jonathan Swift, the Irish – unlike rattlesnakes – really DO taste like chicken.
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Ireland has long been famous for the irritable temperament of its inhabitants. It used to be called Angerland, until St. Patrick realized that “ire” was a much more sophisticated-sounding word.
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The national symbol of Ireland is the shamrock. Which used to be called the “samrock”, but the new pronunciation quickly took over, since that’s how a liquored-to-the-gills Irishman would pronounce it, anyway.
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Another important symbol of Ireland is the hardwood cudgel known as the “shillelagh”. Which used to be called a “salay”, but changed for the same reason as the samrock.
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In a fight between Aquaman and Ireland, Aquaman would die messily when his dolphin “mysteriously” exploded, with the IRA claiming responsibility shortly afterwards.
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The Irish are a clever and inventive people who are popularly credited with inventing several different types of bar soap. None of which they’ve been able to sell to France.
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Which really sucks, because France is upwind.
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Before switching to the Euro in 1999, the Irish had a dual currency system, where both Guinness bottle caps and whiskey labels circulated freely alongside each other.
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There was also a brief experimental period with British currency, but – like most things in Ireland featuring the Queen’s portrait – the bills quickly became too spit-soaked for practical usage.
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Although the Irish claim to have their own language, it’s actually just a form of English that they picked up from watching Lucky Charms commercials.
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Even though Ireland thinks it’s better than the US, I think the fact that Americans can dance AND use their arms at the same time proves them wrong.
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While Ireland DOES have a President and a Parliament, the true power rests in the hands of Bono and his mysterious Leprechaun Council.
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Despite the impression given by the Notre Dame mascot, not all Irish are obnoxious, chrome-domed troublemakers. Just Sinead O’Connor.
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Much like the fabled elephant graveyard, the Irish have a secret bog where they go off to die when they become too feeble to lift a glass.
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In Ireland, starting a fight by punching someone in the face is considered a friendly greeting. Starting a fight by throwing your drink in someone’s face, however, is grossly insulting, wastes precious alcohol, and carries the death penalty.
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Only one Irishman has ever won the Tour de France (Stephen Roche, 1987). Although this SOUNDS pathetic, I’m actually quite impressed that they found someone sober enough to sit on a bicycle without toppling over.
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Irish pop band The Boomtown Rats recently scored their first hit single since 1979 with their War on Terror ballad, “I Don’t Like Mohammeds”.
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Like the US, Ireland’s constitution guarantees its citizens the right to free speech. It doesn’t do them any good, though, since the only difference between Irish speech and incoherent drunk-dialing is the phone.
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The first Irishman in America, Paddy O’Tatertot, was also the man who built Notre Dame college and started its legendary football program. This caused the mass immigration of the Irish to America in the late 1800s, as they all wanted to see this union of the two best aspects of their country – devout religion and open-field brawling.
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Ireland’s 1996 Olympic Gold Medal swimmer, Michelle Smith, was banned from the sport in 1999 for substance abuse after her urine sample was found to contain enough alcohol to qualify for a proof rating.
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Sad thing is, that last one was completely true. Personally, I don’t think it’s fair to test the Irish for alcohol. It’s like testing SpongeBob for seawater.
HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!
Overheard at a Mass Meeting of Liberals Brainstorming Ways to Stop the Trump Agenda
I blew my entire mustache wax budget on paint and posterboard. I regret nothing!
“No, the march was working, we just needed more pink knit hats.”
“Look, I don’t care if you spell ‘fascist’ with an ‘h’, I’m just saying that misspelling it might be offensive to actual fascists.”
“Has anyone seen my onesie?”
“Maybe a good Twitter hashtag, like #NoTrump” “Can’t, it’s already being used by the Hoboken Bridge Club”
“We could buy the domain name” “Nope, NoTrump.com is owned by Trumpet Haters of America and they won’t sell.”
“A good spell will fix him. Just need some candles, some hemp twine, and an eagle feather. Thank goodness for Hobby Lobby coupons.”
“I’ve got it! Pink knit shoes! We’ll call them ‘pussyfoots‘”
“How about we suggest a common-sense proposal that increases individual freedom while reducing the size, funding, and power of the federal government?” [shouts of derision and sounds of physical violence]
They Say They Want a Revolution…
Buried deep in the comments at PJ Media [High Praise! to Sardondi], I found this gem:
Their actual lunatic fantasy….
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The US military, its consciousness raised by all the political commissars left embedded by Obama, overwhelmingly joins in coup to oust Trump*.
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Conservatives and Republicans, who can’t stand to hear the truth of the very accurate investigative reporting of brave journalists, start a civil war in a futile attempt to thwart a politically aware military in its coup effort.
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That 75% of the American public who are progressives and liberals easily obtain machine guns, rocket launchers, flamethrowers and tanks, and, after intensive training by watching black gangster and Asian gangster movies, meet their foes, the fascist, racist, xenophobic, homophobic, Southern, Christianist, fat white men, on the field of battle. And kill them all.
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The Reckoning follows, wherein the progressives purge American society of all undesirables, such as white Southerners, Christians, observant Jews, pro-lifers, climate-change deniers, and of course, Republicans and conservatives of all stripes. Executions continue for three years until all negative influences are eliminated from the country.
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The nation dispenses with wasteful competition and rescues the tv networks to just PBS, and the radio to just NPR. Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and the entire staff of Fox News Channel are burned at the stake on the highest ever rated program on PBS.
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Professional Sports Championships are now passed out on an even turn-about basis for “fairness”, and many men’s teams are eliminated in many sports so that the number of women’s teams are the same in number.
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The Goddess Gaia thanks progressives for ridding the US of the virus of fascist humans, and as a reward self-corrects all climate swings. Scientists perfect the anti-gravity drive. Everyone has everything he or she could possibly want, as warfare is abolished and peace reigns.
- In the true believers’ fantasy, the entire Trump family, including in-laws, grandchildren, personal assistants, and nannies, are ruthlessly executed in a Mar-a-Lago sunroom.
7 Reasons You Should Be Glad Trump’s Muslim Travel Ban Got Stopped
So… 60% of the refugees admitted into the US since a federal judge halted President Trump’s executive order designed to prevent “foreign terrorist entry into the United States” come from five of the seven countries identified by the Trump administration (AND Obama’s) as most risky.
But that’s ok. Because these refugees will, no doubt, eventually end up doing the jobs Americans won’t do. Like:
Maybe just DJ at a nightclub
Specialty Undergarment Supplier
US Army Medical Corps Psychiatrist
Who are we to keep them from living the dream and Making America Grave Again?
Americans Trust Trump More Than News Media. Also, These 10 Things
Headline: “Americans Trust Trump Administration More Than News Media”
And why wouldn’t they? The Donald sometimes does what he says he will.
Speaking of trust, here’s 10 other things Americans find more trustworthy than the news media:
Counting on HAL to open your pod bay doors? – Still more trustworthy than the media.
1) A power strip that’s throwing sparks like Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite Tesla coil
2) A spooky mansion with creaky doors & cobwebs. With a talking Great Dane and a scruff-chinned stoner making sandwiches in the kitchen
3) Whatever hallway Indiana Jones is running down
4) Russian hackers
5) A climate change expert with more government grants than thermometers. Yeah, that’d be all of them.
7) Expired heart medicine
8) People who use the phrase “step right up” in the course of their employment
9) Brake line duct tape patches
10) Any blogger whose categories include “Newsish Fakery”
Anything else trustworthy out there?