Ink’s barely dry on Trump’s new business cards, and already he’s shaking things up on the digital side. If you go to WhiteHouse.gov, you may notice a few changes, like:
Panicky global warming page replaced by “Make the Globe Warm Again” page
1) ID required to vote posts up or down.
2) Animated gifs of the bust of Churchill. Which don’t actually move, since it’s a statue. I don’t think Trump quite understands animated gifs.
3) All Spanish pages eliminated, web site is now 100% English. But it’s British English, so I don’t get all that stuff about “petrol prices”.
4) To distance himself from Obama’s legacy, the site will not use the letter “O”. Interesting news regarding the Supreme Curt.
5) The main page headline crawl is Trump’s Twitter feed.
7) Annoying pop-up ad for bacon toasters, for which we will forgive him, assuming there are free samples involved.
8) Annoying clickbait ad saying “Send Hillary to jail using this one old, weird trick”. Sadly, clicking the ad 300 times is not the trick. Don’t ask how I know, I just do, all right?
9) A pair of animated googly eyes that follow your mouse cursor.
10) The “prove you’re a human” comment verification feature is a US citizenship test question. Get 3 wrong and it’s over the wall with you!
11) Every day, a sidebar poll asks readers to suggest a nickname for a different prominent Democrat. “Crooked [First Name]” is always an option.
12) Link to IMAO’s “Nuke the Moon” page next to a countdown timer.
Any changes I missed? Leave ’em in the comments, please…
They’re still in shock, but the liberal media spin is coming, so try not to drown in the flood of pitiful excuses they make for her. Which may or may not include the following, which I probably just made up:
If we wanted to taste the rainbow, we’d elect a bag of Skittles
1) Russian hackers, whackers, crackers, flackers, snackers, stackers, and Packer-backers (Go Aaron Rodgers!)… and Methodists.
7) Unfair height disadvantage during debates with Trump, as they wouldn’t allow her to wear her KISS boots. Or makeup.
8) Headlight-deer Bill’s sidelong glance at the Non-Consensuals during the debate.
9) Basket of deplorables? Who in this day and age keeps their deplorables in a basket when Amazon sends you a free storage box with every purchase? SO out of touch…
I heard liberals are upset because a marching band from a historically black college will play at Trump’s inauguration.
I wonder what else will spoil their day?
I speculate thusly:
A plump, juicy puppy, no longer afraid to go near the White House.
1) A Fort Marcy Park ranger.
2) The same 4 women Trump held that presser with, debuting their new barbershop quartet, The Non-Consensuals.
3) 100 bakers who don’t mind making your gay wedding cake, so you can leave that poor Christian baker alone.
4) A guy who admits that, although he watched the “Dukes of Hazzard” because the roof of the General Lee was a racist dogwhistle, he mostly watched it because of Daisy’s shorts.
5) A woman who wasn’t comfortable voting for Hillary because she could never remember if it was spelled with one “l” or two.
6) Not one single hot dog cart offering arugula as a topping.
7) $10 buys your name on a brick. You KNOW where you’ll need to go to visit it afterward.
8) A very twisty hedge-maze called the “Crooked Hillary”. At the center is an unsecured email server.
9) Betting station: Trump’s Hair vs. Unbreakable Comb
10) Russian hackers collecting their secret paychecks.
Rumor has it there’s thoughts of reviving “All in the Family” and “The Jeffersons”.
But will Archie still have a fondness for one-eyed Jewish black men?
Might be interesting. Make Archie Bunker Japanese & have him make bigoted remarks about all other races, faiths, colors, & nationalities. I’m picturing George Takei ranting about his “Polack” son-in-law, and I’m already giggling.
Since we’re rebooting, here’s a few others they may bring back:
Three’s Company – A very gay Jack Tripper has to convince his very gay landlord that he’s straight so that he can live with a gay couple and not make it seem like the weird threesome thing it actually is (Polygamy? Ewww! How deviant!)
Adam 12 – Malloy and Reed are both black and spend their entire shifts trying to keep white officers from summarily executing unarmed black suspects. Black Lives Matter meets Blue Lives Matter, and the winner is social justice.
Bosom Buddies – Kip & Henry are once again cross-dressing men living in a hotel for women, but this time they do it openly, and they must fight oppression and force their co-residents to accept their lifestyle, ease their restrictive residential rules, and bake them cakes.
Emergency! – The crew of Los Angeles County Fire Dept. Station 51 are back, except now all the firefighters are woman. And they still handle every situation perfectly despite having an inherent lack of upper body strength. And even though they were accepted under lowered physical standards, they never actually have to carry an overweight adult from a burning building, so they’re just as good as any man. Equality!
Bewitched – Samantha’s not an actual witch with magical powers anymore, just a practicing Wiccan whose bizarre rituals (and even bizarrer relatives) make life embarrassing and difficult for her advertising executive husband. In the end, instead of explaining everything away as a publicity stunt like in the old show, Darrin chastises his Christian co-workers for not being more open-minded and accepting or other religions.
Charlie’s Angels – It’s still beautiful women fighting crime, but they’re all in wheelchairs, and spend most of the show complaining about the injustice of curbs and small flights of stairs. Also, Charlie is an artificial intelligence voiced by Stephen Hawking.
The Dukes of Hazzard – Week after week, the part-Native-American Roscoe P. Coltrane (played by racial xenomorph Lou Diamond Phillips) systematically arrests every cousin & uncle in the Duke family for hate crimes.
If you know of any other reboots in the works, drop ’em in the comments.
Vice President Joe Biden has suggested that the Obama administration may launch a retaliatory cyber strike against Russia in response to what Washington believes to be interference by Moscow in this year’s election.
In an interview with NBC’s Meet the Press on Sunday morning, Mr Biden said “we’re sending a message” to Russian President Vladimir Putin about the election-related hacking. “He’ll know it.”
“We have the capacity to do it. It will be at the time of our choosing, and under the circumstances that have the greatest impact,” he told NBC.
According to Wikileaks, the 10 most likely ways that Joe Biden will attack Russia are:
Joe Biden will see to it that Russia is refused permission to use Area 51 to film THEIR fake moon landing. [Image credit: Freaking News]
1) Sudden reversal of all current global warming policies, leading to the inevitable collapse of the Russian fur hat industry.
3) Ruining their nesting-doll industry by having every third set feature Cackling Witch Hat Hillary in the center.
4) Secretly replacing the Ruble with Obama Fun Bucks
5) Putting powerful mind-control drugs into Russia’s water supply. When no one is affected, correcting the error and putting it into Russia’s vodka supply.
6) Slipping into Putin’s bedroom and putting a My Little Pony head under his sheets. Twilight Sparkle! Nooooooo!
7) Stealing all of Russia’s military secrets by tripling the manpower in our Wasilla-based observation towers.
8) Pushing through a binding UN resolution to get the name changed to the African-American Sea.
10) Institute Proton Savings Time, where all elements of the periodic table will drop one atomic number, thus converting all of Russia’s atomic bombs into useless protactinium.
Just a thought that occurred to me… I don’t think there’s enough answers for a Straight Line, but I wanted to discuss it.
Trump and Hillary are both objectively horrible people, and I was wondering if there were muppets that were worse.
Animal? No, he’s pretty harmless as long as he has drums to play with and Floyd’s holding his chain.
Oscar the Grouch? Basically just Dick Cheney with fewer lawyer-shooting notches on his shotgun. Not so bad, really.
Crazy Harry? Nah. Unlike Hillary, does not have any confirmed kills.
Lew Zealand? Maybe. I don’t like the way that he says his boomerang fish will come back to him, and a lot of them never do. Who needs another lying politician?
I think the next frontier in offense will be the study of nanoaggressions: nonverbal communication that a person could use to express contempt for an oppressed group, but that are too subtle to qualify as a microaggression.
Currently Identified Nanoaggressions
1. Yawning
2. Coughing
3. Making eye contact
4. Breaking eye contact
5. Faking eye contact
6. Slaking eye contact
7. Exhaling
There have also been exciting breakthroughs in the realm of femtoaggressions: Quantum uncertainty comes into play at that scale, so it is impossible to simultaneously know the race and sexuality of a femtoaggression.
The idea of an attoaggression is, of course, just an offensive attempt by bigots to trivialize the concept of prefixaggressions with satire. I dare say even mentioning it counts as a milliaggression.
Not content with ruining an hour of your life on March 28th, the greenies are back at it again less than a month later with “Earth Day”, which is like some sort of hippie Christmas or something.
Yeah, leave it to the Watermelons to pick a day for celebration when it’s still too cold to hang out in the back yard wearing an apron and grilling steaks. There’s a reason the 4th of July falls on the 4th of July every year, people.
Since no one you know or like knows anything about Earth Day, I’ll get you up to speed so that if you end up talking to a liberal today, you can dish some knowledge and then act like he’s a total moron for not already knowing these…
15 FUN FACTS ABOUT EARTH DAY
1) Earth Day was invented by Gaylord Nelson, then a U.S. Senator from Wisconsin, on April 22nd 1970, in an valiant effort to make people spend their time caring about the environment instead of snickering at his first name.
2) Earth Day is celebrated every year on April 22nd, which, coincidentally, is Russian dictator V.I. Lenin’s birthday. Although Lenin was too busy being dead to directly participate in the first Earth Day celebration in 1970, visitors to his tomb that day swear they heard chuckling.
3) An early supporter of the Earth Day movement was “Population Bomb” author Paul Erlich, whose work presciently predicted the widespread famines and food riots that killed millions of Americans during the Reagan years.
4) One of the most popular Earth Day activities is to reduce usage of water – a rare and precious commodity which few living people have seen outside of pictures – of which barely 400 quadrillion gallons currently remain.
5) Most Earth Day functions you will attend put out “recycling bins” to collect plastic water bottles. This reduces waste and pollution by having the containers hauled away separate from the garbage bins by 20-ton diesel trucks that get 3 miles to the gallon.
6) On Earth Day 2005, over 1000 people stood on a Canadian ice floe to spell out the words “Arctic Warming,” which, unfortunately, local polar bears mis-read as “Free Crunchy Meat Snacks.”
7) The EPA offers a free newsletter with handy Earth Day tips such as “Keep appliances in good working order.” Which is completely useless advice as it doesn’t tell you whether to use a fork or a knife to fix your toaster.
8) Some folks enjoy writing “6 word essays” on Earth Day, like “Many nations. One planet. Our home.” Mostly people who portrayed Indians in westerns during the 1950’s.
9) In preparation for Earth Day, teachers are encouraged to help children learn about global warming by periodically poking them with an “alertness stick” during a screening of “An Inconvenient Truth”.
10) One of the biggest crises addressed during the first Earth Day celebrations was ozone depletion. We don’t care about that any more.
11) Sadly, although Earth Day was founded on an ideal of environmental justice, American law schools still hand out very few degrees to spotted owls.
12) On Earth Day 2003, students in the UK set a world record by planting 4100 trees, which were later cut down by men who skip and jump, like to press wild flowers, put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars.
13) One of the watchwords of Earth Day is “reuse.” If you see a hobo begging for change using an old Slurpee cup, give him a big ‘ol Earth Day hug of thanks.
14) On the first Earth Day in 1970, activists spilled oil on the sidewalk outside the U.S. Department of the Interior to protest against offshore drilling, completely destroying the crab-fishing industry in the DC metro area.
15) The EPA was founded shortly after, and because of, the first Earth Day in 1970. Since its inception, the EPA has saved enough electricity to power 2 million homes by enforcing laws that prevent power plants from creating that electricity.
______________
Final thought:
Every time someone makes a list of Earth Day activities, they’re really just telling you how you can make hippies cry by doing the opposite.
I opened another tab to do a Bing search of the question, “Is Obama a Christian?”
I only typed 2 words, “is Obama …”, when Bing started offering me suggestions:
1. Is Obamacare working?
2. Is Obama a Muslim?
3. Is Obama’s daughter pregnant?
4. Is Obama a Sunni or Shiite?
5. Is Obama a member of the Muslim Brotherhood?
6. Is Obama the antichrist?
7. Is Obama the worst president in history?
So, since the question, “Is Obama a Christian?” didn’t even make the Top Seven suggestions, why should we worry about it?
The government wheelchair program (to make getting around easier):
1) offer wheelchairs to the public
2) realize that there isn’t enough demand because people can walk, so start a new program to break citizen’s legs
3) raise taxes by far more than the cost of the wheelchair to pay for the wheelchairs of those that can’t be taxed enough to pay for theirs
4) realize that nobody can get around because there’s not enough wheelchair ramps
5) mandate that everyone make everything wheelchair-accessible at their own expense
6) realize that there are too many wheelchairs causing congestion because wheelchairs are harder to maneuver than walking
7) create a new program to counsel people that require a lot of mobility that perhaps it would be better for everyone involved if they just stayed home and starved to death
8) remind you how lucky you are to have such a caring and compassionate government to make the world more wheelchair-accessible and how without it, you’d be stuck in a ditch with your wheels rusting off.
Republican Congressman Steve Stockman of Texas introduced a bill. I’ve lifted the following description from the Congressman’s site:
——————
Under Stockman’s bill, “The Dog Ate My Tax Receipts Act,” taxpayers who do not provide documents requested by the IRS can claim one of the following reasons:
1. The dog ate my tax receipts
2. Convenient, unexplained, miscellaneous computer malfunction
3. Traded documents for five terrorists
4. Burned for warmth while lost in the Yukon
5. Left on table in Hillary’s Book Room
6. Received water damage in the trunk of Ted Kennedy’s car
7. Forgot in gun case sold to Mexican drug lords
8. Forced to recycle by municipal Green Czar
9. Was short on toilet paper while camping
10. At this point, what difference does it make?
For those of you who, unlike me, have procrastinated making Valentine’s Day plans and purchasing gifts, here are some tips to celebrating the holiday that have helped me in the past.
I challenge any women to tell the difference between the See’s Chocolates fresh from the store and the slightly marred ones I salvaged from their dumpster
When looking for flowers, funeral homes and cemeteries always have the nicest arrangements
It may seem like a good idea to give housekeeping supplies as a gift, but that is never well received
Make sure the escort you order is less attractive than your significant other
While surprises may be exciting, it is sometimes best to talk about things first. Valentine’s Day may not be the best time to unexpectedly bring out the edible clown makeup for the first time
I have learned through sad experience that, despite rumors to the contrary, conversation hearts are not an aphrodisiac, and they are also a poor substitute for use in either conversation or transplantation
A Human Centipede marathon is a poor way to get her in the mood
Reenactments of the St. Valentine’s Day massacre aren’t generally regarded as sexy to most women
No matter how much they complain about their weight, women are never happy when you give them a gym membership for Valentine’s Day
Don’t waste your time with jewelry. There is never any in the dumpster behind the store, and the stuff you can steal from grandma’s bedroom is way too tacky
The President, being a human who likes to strip away our rights, has big plans for Human Rights Day. Here are some of the things he has on the agenda as he celebrates today:
Host the annual MLK White House Bo-BQ. (It is BYOB, bring your own Bo. He doesn’t like to share)
Go to the Antique Roadshow and get an appraisal for his collection of vintage race cards
Finally sit at the back of the bus with the cool kids
Carefully review the text in the teleprompter before his speech this year and make sure autocorrect didn’t change MLK to MILF again
Formally announce that the White House will be renamed because it is offensive to Caucasians. For the next 6 months it will be called the Verizon House. During periods of time when a paid endorsement cannot be obtained, it will be called the European-American House
Try and settle on the ideal date to celebrate national BHO Day, also known as Human Bondage Day
In anticipation of Human Bondage Day, play master and servant with Bill, the interns and Helle Thorning-Schmidt
Have a dream that was not from his father
Devise some more policies that will undermine the basic human rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness of Americans and make them slaves of the ‘greater good’
Relax a bit and bet a couple of grand on the underground racist redneck rustlin’ circuit
Review some of his favorite Reverend Wright sermons
Sit back and watch the Duck Dynasty marathon, taking careful notes so he can draft A & E a sternly worded letter afterwards
Invite Paula Deen to the Bo-BQ so she can be crowned Queen of Fools and mocked mercilessly in the stocks
Try and remember to get Paula Deen’s recipe for chitlins before mocking her in the stocks this time
Place this year in either the White House greased cracker or honky calling competitions
Take a moment and ponder the ways MLK would have been a better man had Barack been alive then to mentor him
Using the powers of the NSA, transmit his voice into the bedrooms of Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and Charlie Rangle, pretending to be the ghost of MLK. Post the resulting surveillance footage on Youtube
Commemorate the occasion with a couple dozen selfies next to the MLK statue
![Joe Biden will see to it that Russia is refused permission to use Area 51 to film THEIR fake moon landing. [Image credit: Freaking News]](http://www.imao.us/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Joe-Biden-moon.jpg)
