Archive of posts tagged Iraq

Here’s your apology

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Iraq wants an apology. And some cash, according to a Reuters report:

Iraq’s capital wants the United States to apologize and pay $1 billion for the damage done to the city … since the U.S.-led invasion that toppled Saddam Hussein.

See? I’m not making this up.

Will Obama do that? I think there’s a chance he might. He’s apologized for everything else. And he’s spending money like … well, I was going to say “a drunken sailor” but I’d rather give my checkbook to a drunken sailor than to Obama. And you would too.

Anyway, what with Obama’s track record for foolishly spending money and foolishly apologizing for the U.S., I’m thinking he might.

But, I got a better idea.

Let’s put things back like they were.

Let’s dig up Hussein (the former Iraqi president, not the current U.S. one) and bring his whole crew back and give them the keys to the government.

And gas some Kurds while we’re at it. Throw some folks into some huge industrial shredders. Set up some rape houses. Make some people disappear in the middle of the night…

I’m sure we could do a few things so that they’d forget that Hussein had ever been toppled.

Or, maybe we should give him our Hussein. Saddam’s being dead and all might put a damper on his leadership style. Sure, Barack doesn’t have the experience — even after two years in the White House, he’s still unqualified to be president of this country — but I think they ought to give him a chance.

Of course, they’d end up demanding an apology for us inflicting Obama on them. And that would be a legitimate complaint. But, I wouldn’t apologize for that.

Not until the idiots that elected Obama here send me an apology. And some cash.

Are You Being Served?

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Ground floor: Perfumery, stationary, and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food. Going up…
First floor: Telephones, gents ready made suits, shirts, suits, ties, hats, underwear, and shoes. Going up…


Are you being served, sir?


Yes, we come from Iran. We look for freedom and democracy. You have a president? Mr. Bush? He help us, no?


I’m sorry, sir, but Mr. Bush has retired.


Yes, old Mr. Bush, you fire. We know. We want young Mr. Bush.


The confusion is understandable, sir. Both old Mr. Bush and young Mr. Bush have left our service.


You have Clinton?


Yes, as a matter of fact. Mrs. Clinton, are you free?


I’m free, Captain Peacock.


No, no. Not woman Clinton. Man Clinton, he help in Kosovo.


I’m sorry, sir, but Mr. Clinton has retired as well. If Mrs. Clinton won’t do, perhaps our Junior, Mr. Obama can assist.


Obama? I like name. We talk with him.


Mr. Obama, are you free?


I’m free, Captain Peacock.


These good people would like some freedom and democracy.


Freedom and democracy? Ah, I see. Well, um, it’s, um, like this, you see. Um, we don’t really provide freedom and democracy.


But neighbor Iraq get freedom and democracy from you.


Oh, sir, not from me. No, sir. Not from me. Not at all. We did have a man here recently that, I believe, provided freedom and democracy to Iraq. But that was wrong. Very wrong, sir.


But Iraq like freedom and democracy. Oh, it not fit exactly, but Mr. Bush tell them it ride up with wear. And that happen. Now we want freedom and democracy.


If I might beg your pardon sir, didn’t you have a free and democratic election recently? That seems to me to be freedom and democracy already.


We have election. But it, how do you say, not a free and democratic election.


Oh, but sir. There was a selective recount, wasn’t there? And there were more votes cast than people living there, were there not? That’s how the Democrats in my country do it.


You will not help me with freedom and democracy?


Oh, I don’t see how I could, sir. But if you would bring your leaders here, I’m sure I can charm them so that they will just ooze freedom and democracy.


I see we have come to wrong place.


Thank you for coming by, sir. We hope we can be of asssitance in the future.


Ah, young Mr. Obama. I was watching how that was handled that. You’ve all done very well!


Thank you, Mr. Soros.

Home stretch

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Barack Obama walked into the room, looking left, then right, then straight ahead.

“Over here, sir,” said the security agent.

Obama looked nervously to each side again, then proceeded in the direction the man indicated.

Taking his seat, he shuffled the papers in front of him as those standing around the table slowly took their seats.

“What’s first?” Obama asked.

“Well, sir, the push in these next few days will be the opinion of the world,” said the man on his left.

“The world? You mean this planet?” Obama asked.

“World opinion, sir. We want to show how much world opinion matters,” the man said.

“Yeah, that’d be a great idea,” Obama said. “Uh-oh. Do we know how the world feels? I mean, have we sent anyone there to find out? And how long would a trip there take? Can we get the information back in time?”

The man paused, his mouth going dry. He licked his lips. “Uh, yes, sir, we’ve already received the results. And the world loves you, sir.”

“Oh, goodie! I’d like to go there one day. To they speak English there? On TV, all the planets speak English. But I don’t know if I can believe everything I see on TV,” Obama said. “Except for infomercials. They’re great. I want a Bowflex. Oh, and one of those Inside-the-Egg Scramblers. Kwanzaa is coming up, you know!”

“Yes, sir. But if we can get back to the polls…”

“Why do we care what the Poles think? Aren’t they stupid? I saw that on TVLand. Archie called Mike a “dumb Polack” and everybody laughed,” Obama said.

“No, sir, we’re talking about opinion polls. The world wants you to be elected president,” the man said.

“Okay, then tell them they’ve got to vote on Tuesday. Tell them I need their support.”

“Um, sir, people from other countries don’t vote in the U.S elections.”

“Well, why not?” Obama asked. “Do you mean that the French, the Italians, the Iranians, the Canadians, the Russians, the Chinamen, the Koreans, the British, the English, the Anglos, none of them get to vote? That’s not fair!”

“Well, we do have several voting in Ohio, so that helps a little,” the man offered.

“Okay then. So, the plan is to tell America that we’ve got foreigners voting for me in the election and they need to vote for me too?” Obama asked. “I like that.”

“Oh, no. No, sir. We don’t mention that to anyone. It’s … um … it’s a secret, sir.”

“Ah. I see. Spies,” Obama said. “Where from? Germany? Lapland? Moldavia? Seton Hall?”

“Um, sure. Anyway, we want to tell America that we can return America to its days of prestige and leadership by electing you,” the man explained.

“Oh, okay. Right. I get it,” said Obama. “We show our leadership by doing what everyone else does. That’s brilliant!”

“Um, yes, sir.”

Obama thought for a minute. “What about Iraq? Can we talk about how bad it is that we went into Iraq?”

“Oh, of course, sir.” The man added, “Iraq is one of our strongest issues. We need to keep hitting about how terrible going into Iraq was. And that we need to get out as soon as possible. Immediately. Or sooner.”

“Yeah,” Obama said. “I bet the Iraq people want me to be president, don’t they?”

The man stuttered, “Uh, uh, we… um, uh, well, um, actually, more Iraqis support McCain.”

“Maybe I need to go to Iraqiland and campaign there,” Obama offered. “I’m sure we could convince them that it’d be better if I won. And call them racist if they don’t support me. That works here. It’d work in Iraqiland, wouldn’t it?”

“Actually, sir, it’s better to just call it ‘Iraq.’ And we probably don’t want to bring up how the Iraqi people really feel. We just need to say we need to leave Iraq,” the man said.

“I got an idea,” Obama said. “Let’s tell them that we’ll not only leave Iraq, but we’ll put it back like we found it. Do we know who was president in Iraq before Bush attacked them? We could find him and put him back in charge. The Iraqis would love that, I’m sure. That way, it’d be just like we never attacked them.”

The man paused for a second before responding. “Let’s just leave that part out, sir.”

“Well, okay,” Obama said. “You know best.”

“Good. Thank you, sir. Time to get back on the campaign trail. You and Michelle have an appearance tonight in Iowa.”

Obama shuddered for a second. “She scares me.”

“Me, too,” the man said. “Me, too.”

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