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July 31, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:46 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has the list of the 15 greatest movies voted on by bloggers and... GAH! Oh, yeah, the site change. It's been that way since Monday, but it still catches me off guard. Anyway, Star Wars got the top spot. Star Wars! The blogosphere must be full of dorks. That's right, I'm talking to you, dork! And look at the list of movies John Hawkins hasn't seen. How can anyone comment on movies if that haven't at least seen The Godfather? I don't want to see another post from John until he's gone out and seen that movie.

Can't get enough crazy Commies defending North Korea? Then there is another addition of MYONGWATCH! at Exultate Justi. Again, make sure to check out the omitted quotes Jared has.

jfielek is having the problem a lot of bloggers have in figuring out how to distinguish themselves from the pack.

And now we have the first instance of Frank J. fan fiction!

Oh, and if anyone hasn't seen this The Onion article yet, it's hilarious.

I'll have to take Michele's word on this...

BTW, I have a number of picture waiting for the next Peace Gallery update, which I will be doing either tomorrow or later this weekend. If anyone is sitting on a picture, it's a good time to send it in.

Rating: 2.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Frank Answers: Britney Spears vs. a Black Howler Monkey, Magnetic North, Coca-Cola vs. Pepsi, and Lady Hunt'n
Posted by Frank J. at 12:24 PM | Email This

annika from Los Angeles writes:
I recently had the misfortune of sitting through most of the Britney Spears movie Crossroads, and about halfway through it i began to feel an intense and disturbing urge to vacate my bowels involuntarily. The last time i felt such an overwhelming urge was at the Black Howler Monkey exhibit of the San Francisco Zoo. Naturally i'm wondering if there's any connection, and if so, which is more dangerous to our freedom as God Loving Americans: the continued existence of Britney Spears or the continued existence of the Black Howler Monkey?

All I know about Britney Spears is that she seems to be the head of the trend for eleven-year-old girls to dress up like hos. For that, I think the parents are the ones in need of a smacking. I would be much more fearful of the sinister black howler monkey. His evil howl can be heard for miles, and will serve as an alarm to the other monkeys when we finally begin out strike against them.

If you still have bowel problems, consult a doctor.


Analog Kid from the Land of a Million Hippies writes:
I have a 2-part question.
1. Why is true different from magnetic north?
2. Is this a commie plot, a ninja plot or a plot from the monkeys?

1. Magnetic north is different from true north because it involves magnets.
2. My gut tells me it's a Commie plot. They tried to try to control the weather, so why not also fool around with magnetic north. I bet they keep moving the magnets just to confuse us. We need to post some guard at the North Pole to guard those magnets and shoot any Commies who might try and move them. They can also answer kids' letters to Santa Claus.


Tim E. from Xenia, Ohio asks:
Coca-Cola or Pepsi?
(real non-commie America-loving, gun-totin' half-Irishmen say Coca-Cola)

I agree; Coca-Cola all the way for this real non-commie, America-loving, gun-totin' half-Irishman. Pepsi is too sweet for me; I prefer the dryer taste of Coca-Cola. I usually go for bitter over sweet. That's why I drink my coffee black and why I likes me Guinness.


John from Flagstaff, AZ asks:
Hey, Frank, How's the hunt for the right lady goin'?

So far no luck. I guess I'll just have to get used to the fact that I'll die sad and lonely... or in a hail of gunfire.

Mmm... hail of gunfire.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 1.1/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Frank Answers
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Poll (You Vote Now!)
Posted by Frank J. at 08:21 AM | Email This

This is it, the final group...

Group F!

Meet the Bloggers

The name of my site is: Blather Review.
My preferred name as a blogger is: Tuning Spork
I've been blogging since February 2003.
A brief description of my site: Some politics, some law , some recipes, some laughs, some mp3s of my crappy songs... whatever, no big whoop!
Briefly praise FrankJ and IMAO...hmmm....FrankJ is a satirist's satirist! The characters ring so true it's scary, I tells ya, scary!!
My favorite movie is....hmmm...I'll have to say....JAWS.
The Simpsons character I most identify with: Frank Grimes.

What is the name of your site? Jennifer's History and Stuff.
What is your preferred name as a blogger? Jennifer, but since that is so common, JenLars works. J. La! (ick)
How long have you been blogging? Since July 1, 2003.
Give a brief description of your site. I share little historical tidbits and assorted miscellany. Basically, I just try to make history a little more interesting and impart my enthusiasm for learning.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post. Frank J. is quite obviously an intelligent, handsome young man. Any single lady would be lucky to wait at home (with a dog) for Frank at the end of the day. He's available, ladies! IMAO is always an enjoyable read. My favorite post used to be the Brief History of Canada, but now it is anything with Chomps the U.N. Peacekeeper.
What's your favorite movie? Tough one, it's very hard to name just one movie. Today I'll pick "The Right Stuff."
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? I prefer to identify with a South Park character, since all the good Simpsons characters have been chosen. I relate to Cartman's mom, who is a crack whore. I am not a crack whore, but I am a link whore.

What is the name of your site? One Little Victory
What is your preferred name as a blogger? Analog Mouse, or just Mouse or am will do.
How long have you been blogging? Since May 9, 2003
Give a brief description of your site. Ranting and raving on my blog so my friends and family don't have to listen to me bitch.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post. Frank J. is so great that a permalink on Instapundit would be an insult. My favorite is In My World: Reading to Underprivileged Kids.
What's your favorite movie? The Quiet Man.
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Marge, definitely. But not normal, everyday marge. More like Marge when she stopped her car in the middle of traffic, or Marge when she was a gambling addict.

1) Site name: Bad Money
2) Preferred Name: Harvey
3) Blogging since: June 21, 2003 (counting the 8 miserable days on Blogspot)
4) Brief site description: Well-captioned graffiti currency and amusingly-phrased commentary.
5a) Praise for Frank J & IMAO: As a rule, written humor will NOT make me laugh out loud. 3 major exceptions: P.J. O'Rourke, James Lileks, and Frank J. - Hmmm. I wonder if the letter J has anything to do with it?
5b) Favorite post: "In My World: The Hunt for the Rumsfeld Strangler". I TRIED not to laugh out loud at this one, I really did. I succeeded only in rupturing my spleen and coating my keyboard with a fine mist of nose-filtered coffee.
6) Favorite movie: "The Princess Bride". Besides having the best-choreographed sword fight in cinematic history, it is quotable to nth degree. I, myself, have successfully used the line "I do not think that word means what you think it means" on a number of occasions. [Ed. Gah! I forgot to put that one on my list of favorite movies I gave to John Hawkins.]
7) Simpsons character I most identify with: Monty Burns. Despite being black-heartedly evil, he's a shrewd and savvy business man who knows how to turn a profit. Not to mention that Li'l Lisa's Patented Animal Slurry is one damn fine product.

-What is the name of your site?
Kaedrin
-What is your preferred name as a blogger?
Mark
-How long have you been blogging?
Just over 3 years. Yes, years.
-Give a brief description of your site.
The blog covers political issues lately, but also focuses on culture, movies, and technology. My site also has book & movie reviews and a host of other schtuff.
-Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
IMAO is genuinely and consistently funny, and it has been for quite some time now (even getting better as it goes), which is quite rare these days. Something you'll notice in the answer to this question and the next two are that I have great difficulty choosing a favorite anything, so bear with me. My favorite posts are the In My World posts, because they are funny (natch) and because whenever you write Bush, I picture Will Ferrell delivering the lines. Funniest line Frank has written lately: "If a North Korean bites you, you become one." Classic.
-What's your favorite movie?
2001: A Space Odyssey or The Godfather or Seven Samurai or Das Boot... I could go on all day with these...
-Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?
Herman, the military antiques guy. Pet Peeve: Pacifists.

Right of Center did not get a response in on time.

Here are the answers to the question in random order (revealing who wrote which is means for disqualification):

QUESTION: You are on your way somewhere, but a group of hippies incoherently protesting something blocks your way. In 200 words ot less, what is the best way to handle this situation?

ANSWER 1: When the hippies are basking in their smelly glory about how many protesters are there, tell them that the only reason no one is there supporting the other side is that they are all busy WORKING FOR A LIVING! Then ask the hippies if they have jobs. They will look at their shoes and quietly walk away. (I've seen this done. It really works!)

ANSWER 2: The obvious answer would be to simply savage them with my gas-guzzling SUV, but I should probably be more creative. I would sneak around the crowd, obtain their email addresses then send Frank J. a harassing email lecturing him on grammar. Then I would pull up a chair and watch the ensuing chaos (chances are, watching hippies die slow, horrible, painful deaths at the hands of a samurai sword wielding engineer would be more entertaining than anything I was going to attend anyway)

ANSWER 3: I actually encountered this situation once. All I wanted to do was cross the street, but the road was jammed with retarded lefties blathering gibberish like, “Free Mumia For Oil”, “No Blood For Peace”, and “Bush Lied, Babies Died, I’ll Have Tofu On The Side”, or something like that.
I suppressed my rage until I saw the “Bush = Puppy Blender” sign, then something inside me snapped. “That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!” I cried, reaching over to a nearby organic foods vending cart, grabbing a handful of spinach, and shoving it down my throat.
Somewhere nearby, a Phish-smelling band inexplicably started playing a modified hornpipe, as animated battleship tattoos magically appeared on my biceps and started firing live shells into the fetid assembly. I waded through the crowd, my bulgy forearms windmilling madly as the Phish-smellers segued into a quick-tempo Yankee Doodle.
Filthy hippies flew in all directions, landing in comical pretzel-piles, with their stupid-slogan signs jammed in previously functional orifices.
Covered in patchouli-befouled blood, I reached the other side and burst into song:
“I’m strong to the finish
(here’s a buck for your spinach)
Don’t F*** with the sailor man!”
TOOT! TOOT!

ANSWER 4: One word: soap. Soap is a well-known hippie repellant. If you carry a bar of soap with you at all times, you can wave it at any hippies you come across and they will part like the Red Sea.

ANSWER 5: I'd cover myself from head to toe in a soapy lather; the hippies would part like the Red Sea as I strolled merrily on through.

Great answers, but only one shall win and go on to the final round next week.

PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!

POLL CLOSED (results here)

Poll closes in 24 hours. Then all the finalists will be known, and what will be left is the thrilling conclusion next week.

Rating: 2.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Permalink Contest
A Frank Study on What Makes a Political Liberal
Posted by Frank J. at 08:18 AM | Email This

You've probably heard about the Berkeley study done with your tax dollars on what makes a political conservative. Here are the factors they identified:

* Fear and aggression
* Dogmatism and intolerance of ambiguity
* Uncertainty avoidance
* Need for cognitive closure
* Terror management

Funny enough, I had been doing my own study about what makes a political liberal. I think mine was much more efficient, because I traced it to a single factor:

* They're f'ing morons

As evidence of this finding, just listen to any liberal. Ever read anything from Noam Chomsky? What a dumbass. Ever seen an article in The Nation? You can almost imagine the drool stains on the original copy of whomever wrote it. Heard Michael Moore speak? Than man is fat and ugly! While that doesn't prove or disprove my theory, he's also a nitwit, which goes with my findings.

And ever see a bunch of liberals get together for a protest? It's like a whole gaggle of retards! You almost expect, that with that much stupidity in one area, it will collapse upon itself and from a logic black hole, sucking in all sense that gets near it.

And then there is liberal Hollywood where people are about as dumb as you can be without forgetting to breathe. It's like that to get into Hollywood you need to take an intelligence test, and they'll only let you in if it comes up negative.

Then there are liberal congressmen and women. I've seen them argue on C-SPAN, and they're so moronic I want to hit them with rocks (there's that aggression).

Well, I think my study was pretty thorough on what makes a liberal, but what I really want to find is how to cure it. Liberals seems to protect their idiocy by forming some sort of force field of pure stupidity, a force field so strong that logic can't penetrate it. What can penetrate it, though, is a large stick. Such an item is known to the scientific community as a "whomp'n stick".

What I want to find out is if by whomp'n a liberal whenever he says something stupid, can I train him away from liberalism through pure pain avoidance. My theory is that it will cause conservatism as defined by the Berkeley study:

* Fear and aggression - Fear of a whomp'n
* Dogmatism and intolerance of ambiguity - "Are you going to whomp me or not?"
* Uncertainty avoidance - "I'll stay quiet so I don't get whomped."
* Need for cognitive closure - "Someone patch up this head wound."
* Terror management - "I'll crouch in the corner and be quiet so the scary man doesn't whomp me."

So there is the study: will a group of liberal who gets whomped have more converts to conservatism than a control group with no whomp'n.

Ahh... screw the control group; I'm going to whomp 'em both.

Now all I need is millions in a government grant and a stick fit for whomp'n.

Oh, and I'll need liberal volunteers. The Berkeley scientists from the previous study are sure free to help out in this one.

WHOMP! WHOMP!

Rating: 2.2/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (24)
July 30, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:36 PM | Email This

Quick! Everyone link to me. I fell back to being a monkey on the blogging ecosystem, and I don't want to be a monkey. Liked my In My World™ today? Thought it was funny when I went crazy angry at lunchtime? Then link to me, quick!

LittleA missed the deadline for the Group E poll, but here is the aardvark's answers anyway.

The Carnival of the Vanities is up, and full of bloggery!

Michael Williams has gone into my head and put up an image of my worst nightmare.

It seems Tiger stills thinks he might get a link based on merit. That's crazy; no one gives out permalinks because of merit anymore. It's all based on wacky contests now.

Courtney wants to change our libraries. Some reason that idea scares me even though I haven't been to one in years.

Also, I have chosen Mike the Marine's ending to Monday's In My World™ since he nagged me the most about picking the winner. Go read that In My World™ now in it’s its entirity.

* * * *

I don't always have a lot of time each day to peruse the blogosphere, so don't be afraid to send me a link to one of your posts if you think it's especially worthy. Just don't bug me too often (try to keep e-mails to once a week) or get too upset if I don't use it.

Rating: 2.7/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Round 5 Over
Posted by Frank J. at 07:19 PM | Email This

I tried to close this latest poll as close to 24 hours on the dot as I could because the vote was extremely close (2 votes separate first place from last place).

The questions was: Everyone knows my solution to random ninja attacks. In 200 words or less, describe your own solution. Remember, while people hate getting randomly attacked by ninjas, they also hate high taxes, so try and keep your solutions cheap.

And the winning answer is: Answer 1, written by Jarred Nicholls of [Think About It]. It got 62 votes (34%).

Ninjas? Are you serious? Unless these "ninjas" are wearing Batman like thick-as-shit rubber tighties that reflect bullets, then whip out your Desert Eagle, put one in each of their nuts (most ninjas don't wear anti-bullet-in-nut shields), put one in each of their knee caps, walk behind them, recite the Boondock Saints prayer, and put one in the back of their head. No more ninja.

Answer 2 was written by Pixy Misa of Ambient Irony. It got 60 votes (33%).

Hit them with a Dragon Slave spell. This is sort of like a Neutron Bomb, only backwards: it leaves people alive - more or less - in a crater several miles wide. While the Ninjas are boggling at the extent of the destruction (Ninjas often kill people, but rarely destroy entire cities), you can sneak up behind them, slip headphones over their ears and play Alanis Morisette at them until they melt into a puddle of gloop. This really works. (Celine Dion also works, but then you'd run the risk of hearing it and melting into a puddle of gloop yourself.)

Answer 3 was written by Beth of Beth's Contradictory Brain. It got 61 votes (33%).

Easy, breed Chomps, the world's angriest hunting dog, train his offspring what Ninja's are and how they smell, and then say "SicEm." Once the Ninja are taken care of (a week tops), the pups can then be trained to take out any other group, say the French, or the monkeys, causing problems.

Even though I've made it clear that ninjas dodge bullets, I, like a lot of people, voted for Answer 1 since it referenced the cool movie Boondock Saints. Yay, I finally voted for a winner (and my vote actually put it over the top).

Congratulations to Jarred Nicholls of [Think About It]. He will join the voodoo lounge, Modularparrot.com, Serenity's Journal, Adventures in Trouble Shooting, and one more blog to be voted for tomorrow in the final round.

So, last group tomorrow, and then next week we will have the thrilling conclusion of the Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One™.

Rating: 2.7/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Permalink Contest
A Note on Blogging and Grammar
Posted by Frank J. at 12:50 PM | Email This

I was going to write some Frank Answers™ today, but I'm going to have to put that off to discuss a different topic now.

Everyone knows what a pet peeve is, right? It's just something that makes you irrationally angry for reasons you can't quite describe. Well, since starting blogging, I've encountered a brand new pet peeve that by far out matches any previous one.

Here's a little secret about my site: all anger is acted. Wit takes a clear mind, and I am not funny when angry. What's great is that I am very hard to get angry. That's why I was able to respond with wit to hate mail; the people writing were completely unable to get a rise out of me. When writing my popular hate mail to Michael Moore, I was laughing and smiling the whole time. If you want to see the only actual instance of me being legitimately angry on this site, read my immediate response to the comment by Minstrel in this post. That's completely out of character for me (I almost never use swear words, and only use them in posts when I think it adds to the humor value), and I felt bad right after writing it. But, I was so angry, that I didn't stop to think that Minstrel is a reader of my site and probably a fan and meant the comment with no animosity, instead, I was so enraged, I just wanted to rip right into her. If she were standing next to me, I probably would have grabbed her by the neck and shook her.

So, let's be clear on something. I am not a high school drop out. I am not retarded. I do not sniff glue. In fact, I was the first person in my junior high to get a hundred on all my tests in English. I graduated high school as a Valedictorian. I got a 1570 on my SAT's. I graduated from a very prestigious engineering college with more than an 3.8. In short, I KNOW FUCKING “THEY'RE” FROM “THERE” FROM “THEIR”, “ITS” FROM “IT'S”, “TO” FROM “TOO”, “YOUR” FOR “YOU'RE”, AND ALL THE OTHER GODDAMN HOMOPHONES!

Maybe some people had never written before except to comment on my grammar, so I will explain this very carefully. You see, before you write something, it first appears in one’s mind as the spoken word. Instead of very carefully typing each word out and pausing to make sure it's spelled correctly and make grammatical sense, the subconscious quickly takes over and takes the spoken thought in one’s mind and transfers it to written language using a number of heuristics it has picked up throughout the years. It is extremely flawed. It will often write the wrong homophone (and forget the question mark for a question... but that's neither here nor there). That's why there is a thing called proofreading. The problem with blogging is that I want to get a post out quickly, and thus I am forced to proofread right after writing. That usually doesn't work too well since what was meant (not typed) is still fresh in mind. I will catch a number of grammatical errors in that proofread, but I will not catch them all. Sometimes, I will come back an hour or so later after posting and reread a long post to catch more errors, but I don't always have the time.

That's why I actually like it when people e-mail me corrections (I don't like them in the comments because it makes no sense after the correction is made). Pointing out mistakes in my post is doing me a favor. But here is how you phrase a correction.

In this sentence (excerpt of sentence) you accidentally wrote "you're" when you meant "your".

See, in that correction, the person shows that he knows that I understand proper grammar and simply made an inevitable error.

What you do not do ever... EVER... is lecture me on grammar like I’m some fucking four year old. It does not matter how politely you try to do it; I will hate you forever. And I mean ever more than a hippy or a Communist, because it will be a deep, personal hatred.

Understand?

I will put a permalink to this on my sidebar for future reference to new readers.

P.S. There will inevitably be grammar mistakes in this post. That is not ironic, that is apropos, especially since I was a bit angry when writing it.

Rating: 2.6/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (59)
In My World: The Saudis Are Great People... For Me to Strangle!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:55 AM | Email This

"I'm strangling you because you're a Saudi!" Rumsfeld shouted, strangling the Saudi prince.

"Let's not be so quick to strangle each other," Colin Powell urged.

"Rarr!"

* * * *

"So which is closer to Bush's position," asked a reporter, "Rumsfeld's 'Strangle the Saudis' stance, or Powell's 'Please don't beat me with that Saudi' stance?"

"Bush likes to hold the middle ground," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan answered.

"What about this new report out," said another reporter, "Some people find it alarming."

"What's so alarming?" Scott asked.

"Well, it starts with, 'U.S. intelligence has determined' and then there are 27 pages blanked out followed by the word 'the' and then 14 pages missing until the phrase 'brain-eating zombies' then 32 pages missing until the phrase 'nuclear deaths for everyone' then 8 pages missing followed by 'the Saudis are planning to stab us in the back and' then 83 pages missing until the report ends with the word 'happy'."

Scott chuckled nervously as he adjusted his collar. "How can anything be 'alarming' if it ends with the word 'happy'?"

"According to our poll," said Melinda Hawkish of Fox News, "68% of American people are for military action against the Saudis, and 32% against. When are we going to use military action against those 32% who are terrorist sympathizers?"

"Hey," Scott cautioned, "the Saudis are not necessarily terrorists, and, in the least, are much better at pretending to be our allies than the French."

"Then why is Rumsfeld strangling them?"

"Well, Rumsfeld comes from a different time when it was normal that if you saw a fat man with a devil beard wearing sheets, you strangled him." Scott started laughing. "Why, he was even joking with me earlier about how he was going to kill all of you."

Suddenly a Buick crashed through the wall. Out jumped Rumsfeld. "Rarr!"

* * * *

"I can't be giving these press conference if Rumsfeld is trying to strangle everyone," Scott complained.

"If they're that important to you," Bush said, "Then tell Rumsfeld to stop strangling people."

Scott looked to Rumsfeld. He sat in a chair calmly petting Chomps who was drinking water from his U.N. helmet.

"Uh, Rumsfeld," Scott said, "Could you please cut back the strangling just a little bit?"

Rumsfeld considered this for a little bit. He the shouted, "Rarr!"

Scott cowered, covering his face defensively, but Rumsfeld and Chomps ran out of the room. Scott then looked out into the hallway. "Hey! They're trashing my office!"

"That's Rumsfeld's way of saying 'No,'" Bush explained, "Anyway, I found this old Atari. Want to play Combat!?"

"Combat?"

"It's a game where you shoot each other with tanks and planes, retard," Bush said, turning on the Atari.

"Shouldn't you be involved in policy talks or something?" Scott asked.

"No, my staff says things go much smoother if I'm not there," Bush said, and then started the tank game. "Ha! I'm whupping your ass!" Bush laughed as he shot Scott's tank.

"I'm getting used to the controls," Scott said defensively.

"It's just a button and a joystick, dumbass."

"I would like to talk more about policy," said a Saudi prince appearing at the doorway. He was then knocked down as a desk crashed into him."

"Your desk killed a Saudi," Bush told Scott, "You're going to be in trouble for that."

"Hey, I got you!" Scott exclaimed, having shot Bush's tank.

"No fair; I wasn't paying attention," Bush yelled angrily, "Secret Service, take Scott away and beat him!"

"Hey!" Scott exclaimed as the Secret Service grabbed him and dragged him away.

The Saudi crawled out from under the desk. "You're not dead," Bush said, "Want to play Atari?"

"Sure," the Saudi said, taking the other controller.

He started hitting Bush's tank repeatedly. "Ha! Allah be praised! I destroy you're imperialist tank!"

"What!" Bush yelled, "I can't move." He then looked at the console. "You unplugged my controller, you backstabbing Saudi! This means war!"

Rating: 1.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (14) | In My World
July 29, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:55 PM | Email This

Ego-Daily fisks the White House Press Corp's crazy old aunt in the attic.

Emperor Misha I fisks Saddam.

The puppy blender talks about a pretty reactionary response to what actually seems like a very creative idea.

Frank and Fritz of On the Fritz are both running for governor of California in the recall election. I don't know whom I'd vote for as I've already forgotten which one is the evil twin.

* * * *

I don't always have a lot of time each day to peruse the blogosphere, so don't be afraid to send me a link to one of your posts if you think it's especially worthy. Just don't bug me too often (try to keep e-mails to once a week) or get too upset if I don't use it.

Rating: 1.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Poll (You Vote Now!) and Questions for Group F (You Answer Now!)
Posted by Frank J. at 06:58 PM | Email This

The tension is so thick, you can cut it with a knife. That means it is time for a new batch of bloggers to compete!

Group E!

Meet the Bloggers

* What is the name of your site?
Ambient Irony
* What is your preferred name as a blogger?
Pixy Misa
* How long have you been blogging?
Three months and counting.
* Give a brief description of your site.
This is my blog. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
* Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
Frank is funny. (Err, was that brief enough?)
I always loved the In My World press conferences, particularly when Condi was demonstrating a new toy. The one about the Robot Sipders is
may favourite.
* What's your favorite movie?
Millennium Actress (Sennen joyu)
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?
Leela. No, wait! Uhhhh... Simpsons? Identify? With? How about Stephen Jay Gould? He was on the Simpsons, right?

*What is the name of your site? [Think About It]
*What is your preferred name as a blogger? Jarred Nicholls (badass name, yes? My mother gave it to me)
*How long have you been blogging? June 2003. Fairly new, but have always had opinions that need sharing. Opinions are like @$$holes, everyone's got 'em. The difference here is, mine are the only ones that matter.
*Give a brief description of your site. [Think About It] is a Conservative news, views, and humor site with a taste of wit and in-your-face journalism with the goal to make people think (easier said than done).
*Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post. Frank J. is a good guy with a lot of humor. He's a brother of anti-liberalism, and for that I respect him. As for a favorite post, I happen to enjoy them all, so I don't have a favorite post. [Ed. Cop-out.]
*What's your favorite movie? The Army of Darkness (Evil Dead III)...funniest damn movie ever.
*Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Probably Barney. Not because of me, but most of my external family are fat slobby drunks and burp alot.

*What is the name of your site? Beth's Contradictory Brain
*What is your preferred name as a blogger? God
*How long have you been blogging? I started on Diaryland (don't laugh) in April 2002, then moved to http://bethmauldin.com/ in November of 2002.
*Give a brief description of your site. All the contradictory thoughts in my brain on your screen - isn't the internet wonderful?
*Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post. Frank J. is wise and sarcastic beyond his years. There is no other blogger equal to Frank J. If IMAO were read by everyone on the planet - we just might achieve utopia.
My favorite entry: A Question of No Importance

Apropos to nut'n, were the can and the can opener invented simultaneously? I figure someone didn't invent the can opener first and then said, "Hey, we've got this great opener, now let's invent something it can open." If that didn't happen, and they were not both made at the same time, that means that, after the first man successful sealed food inside a can, he stood a long while just staring at it wondering, "Now how the hell do I get it out of there? Now this seems like such a dumb idea, because I'm hungry." I know that if someone had taken my food, sealed it inside a can, and didn't have a way of getting it out, I'd be pretty pissed.

What's your favorite movie? Fight Club
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Mr. Burns, I want to be rich and powerful. Oh wait, as long as I don't have to be old and ugly like he is.

* Site Name: Shining full plate and a good broadsword
* Preferred blogger name: Banagor
*How long have I been blogging: Since day 1. Nobody is, however, exactly sure when day 1 originated. Some carbon dating has returned the results of several years, but also going back nearly a decade in other various forms. Evolution is a wonderful thing and it sometimes can confuse the onlooker, especially when the purpose is to study the transformation and pin down the exact point at which one thing becomes another. There is no point to asking this question as the subject has been online longer than most people even know what the heck a modem is. There is also no point to this answer, as the writer has already shown his flippancy towards anything non-coffee related in the morning.
*Brief description of my site: Pain erupted throughout the thoughtless orc's visage as the mailed fist and steel shield smashed into the twisted mass of flesh and bone. The grunting and pig-like squealing from the denizens of evil all around the shining paladin now had a tinge of fear about it and their grubby little green and filthy fingers trembled just as they were reaching up towards him to pull him down into the darkness. There was silence.
And then the face slid off of the shining bright shield in a slow and slithering slump. Dead. It had been crushed and was the first to be destroyed in the mad throes of the fires of Hell itself. There was silence and naught was heard for that moment in battle which can last an eternity - that moment when your opponent sees death in his eyes.
And then begins the singing, and the broadsword shines forth in the darkness, arcing it's way through the air to accompany the song as the hordes of evil begin to flee. They trample each other in terror as the paladin does his best work, slicing and lobbing off heads, limbs, and all with his sword, their blood spilling over into the air like rainbows of light as they are hacked down by the thousands in this version of gritty work for the noble and higher cause. They know that they cannot stand before him so they jump, screaming their horrible pig squeals of pain and fear as they fall within the darkened crevasse - an abyss of their own ignorant making. They leap like lemmings, a single living bridge of contorted and twisted bodies suspended eternally in mid-air, grappling with each other in their doom, forever cursed to claw at only their own wretched bodies as he stands there, on the edge of it all, and continues to chase them with his tools of war and righteousness, ensuring that the final leap of their evil forever remains their last, stupid, painful moment: to have meddled with the forces of good and paid the highest price of all. Eternal damnation from that which is good.
I could, naturally, give you a long version of what my site is about.
*Praising Frank, IMAO, and favorite post: Frank is that dark mysterious black knight which fights on the side of goodness and truth and the paladin way. He humbles all, and teaches wisely about the evils of the world and how to guard against them. His goodness doth reach the very walls of the camp of paladins camped outside the very gates of Hell in that eternal battle, giving them hope and reaching out with the justice of arms. For, is it not said that no man who is wrong may win against one who is good, just, and true in a contest of arms on the field of valor? Yes, verily it is sooth and so, and Frank reminds us all of that. It is a given that my favorite post is the "Nuke the Moon" post, as I have written a long analytical piece on it, explaining the truth and justice behind the very notion.
*Favorite Movie: Where Eagles Dare. Killing that many Nazis in a single movie can only bring joy to the hearts of everyone who sees it.
*Favorite Simpsons: I don't identify with a particular character on the Simpsons really except, perhaps, Lisa. I know that she's a girl but as I see it, she's a paladin. She is oft the voice of reason in the show and she is by far the brightest star there is. However, I see the Simpsons as a single entity comprised of the many. I identify with everyone on the show because the genius of the show is that it has a little bit of everyone in it made up of each individual character. Therefore, it is the nature of God. God cannot be dissected into parts, because it is a wholesome oneness which creates the unique aspect of Godhood. It is heresy to even attempt to dissect the Simpsons in anything more than jest, but if I had to choose, I would then - again - say Lisa.

Who Tends the Fires and A Little Aardvark Never Hurt Anyone did not respond. Banagor turned his nearly 500 word answer in late, so it had to be disqualified on two counts. Thus, there are only three answers to choose from this time.

Here are those three answers to the question in random order (revealing who wrote which is means for disqualification):

QUESTION: Everyone knows my solution to random ninja attacks. In 200 words or less, describe your own solution. Remember, while people hate getting randomly attacked by ninjas, they also hate high taxes, so try and keep your solutions cheap.

ANSWER 1: Ninjas? Are you serious? Unless these "ninjas" are wearing Batman like thick-as-shit rubber tighties that reflect bullets, then whip out your Desert Eagle, put one in each of their nuts (most ninjas don't wear anti-bullet-in-nut shields), put one in each of their knee caps, walk behind them, recite the Boondock Saints prayer, and put one in the back of their head. No more ninja.

ANSWER 2: Hit them with a Dragon Slave spell. This is sort of like a Neutron Bomb, only backwards: it leaves people alive - more or less - in a crater several miles wide. While the Ninjas are boggling at the extent of the destruction (Ninjas often kill people, but rarely destroy entire cities), you can sneak up behind them, slip headphones over their ears and play Alanis Morisette at them until they melt into a puddle of gloop. This really works. (Celine Dion also works, but then you'd run the risk of hearing it and melting into a puddle of gloop yourself.)

ANSWER 3: Easy, breed Chomps, the world's angriest hunting dog, train his offspring what Ninja's are and how they smell, and then say "SicEm." Once the Ninja are taken care of (a week tops), the pups can then be trained to take out any other group, say the French, or the monkeys, causing problems.

Three to choose from, one to win.

PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!

POLL CLOSED

Poll closes 24 hours (or so) after this post.

And now next round of questions for Group F!

GROUP F QUESTIONS:
What is the name of your site?
What is your preferred name as a blogger?
How long have you been blogging?
Give a brief description of your site.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
What's your favorite movie?
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?

SHORT ANSWER QUESTION: You are on your way somewhere, but a group of hippies incoherently protesting something blocks your way. In 200 words ot less, what is the best way to handle this siuation?

Group F, you have 24 hours to get me your answers. Godspeed.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (15) | Permalink Contest
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Round 4 Over
Posted by Frank J. at 06:21 PM | Email This

Me home now. Here are the full results for the poll.

The question was: In 200 words or less, describe the best way to kill a
Communist.

And the winning answer is: Answer 5, written by dr.dna of the voodoo lounge. It got 63 votes (28%).

Get an Islamic suicide terrorist to blow up near him. Two birds with one stone.

Answer 1 was written by Susie of Practical Penumbra. It got 55 votes (24%).

The best way to kill a commie depends on one's own personal idiom. There are those who prefer weapons grade plutonium in a puppie smoothie, and others who insist that a katana and a Colt 1991 will do. I, however, am of the school that believes the old tried-and-true remedies work best: capitalism (and lots of it!).

Answer 2 was written by Bloodthirsty Warmonger of Over The Edge. It got 26 votes (11%).

Almost anything can be justified, as long as you have a good recipe for it. The Japanese in me wanted to turn him into sushi – then I came to my senses, realizing that you need the freshest ingredients for that. As I plunged into the nefarious depths, my thoughts turned to the fine art of jungle warfare. We could let him out into the jungle with a five-minute head start, pursued by Buck the Marine, who’s been given the order to shoot him on sight, like a mad dog.! But before that happens, he could be done in by a variety of booby traps. My favorite method of turning him into hamburger would be the Bouncing Betty, the mine with the spring device that causes a bomb to explode at chest level. Of course there will be cameras to record the expression of surprise on his face in his last second of life. Muh ha ha ha!

Answer 3 was written by Elliot of Curiosity. It got 57 votes (25%).

Drop him in a pit with monkeys. Tell the monkeys he's a Jew (monkeys are anti-semitic).

Answer 4 was written by Norbizness of Happy Furry Puppy Story Time. It got 7 votes (3%).

Put a bomb in Yao Ming's ribcage during a Chinese National Team basketball exhibition game in Beijing. [I hereby cede my 183 unexpended words back to my competitors].

Answer 6 was written by Attila Girl of Little Miss Attila. It got 20 votes (9%).

Wouldn't that depend on the range?--I could see a variety of firearms as being really useful for this project. But please do not forget poison, which creates a lot of pain. If you can get close to the communist in question, I would recommend working poison into their food. Don't mess around with ice picks; that's silly.

I voted for Susie's answer because she has been trying to get a link for a while. I guess she'll never get one now; I wish there was something I could do. If I hadn't voted for hers, I would have probably voted for Answer 3; it was so random it cracked me up.

Congratulations to dr. dna of the voodoo lounge. He will compete against Modularparrot.com, Serenity's Journal, and Adventures in Trouble Shooting in the final round.

The poll for Group E will be up soon, as well as the question for the last group, Group F.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Permalink Contest
Poll Results... Sorta
Posted by Frank J. at 01:07 PM | Email This

I forgot again to prep some questions so I could answer them during my lunch break for Frank Answer™, so I was going to at least put out the poll results for Group D. Then I realized, I don't have the information here at work with me to know who wrote what. Anyway, there were 228 votes, and the winner is...

Whoever wrote Answer 5, which got 63 votes (28%). Congratulations to someone.

Answer 1 got 55 votes (24%).

Answer 2 got 26 votes (11%).

Answer 3 got 57 votes (25%).

Answer 4 got 7 votes (3%).

Answer 6 got 20 votes (9%).

I voted for one of them, probably not the winner. Whichever one it was, I liked it for some reason.

Congratulations to someone for winning the poll, and thanks to the other people who aren't that someone for participating.

Someone will now join the other three finalists - who I can't remember off hand - in the final competition.

Anyway, I'll update this with more details when I get home from work.

Rating: 3.1/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (1) | Permalink Contest
To Everyone Who Thinks I Write Relevant Satire, Take That!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:17 AM | Email This

A lot of people sent me this article. It tells the terrible story of how, if monkeys get protection by the law, they run amok. They'll steal your chicken, bitch-slap your dogs, and ride your hogs. That's because monkeys know right from wrong and always choose wrong.

Luckily, we have no such problems here. That's because earlier American settlers shot all the monkeys and chased them to Canada. Now Canadians just put up with the constant monkey attacks, getting bit all the time (it's a one month wait to get a monkey bite treated in Canada) and having their hockey sticks stolen. It's a living hell, but, ask most Canadians about it, and they'll be so embarrassed by the problem they'll pretend not to know what you are talking about.

I know what you're probably saying: "Hey, I live in Delaware; I'm never going to get overridden with monkeys here like those stupid Canucks." You will if you become unwatchful of the problem. If that happens, monkeys will soon take over, scratching us, eating our bananas, voting for Democrats, and taking all the high-paying jobs. Hey, it's happened in Canada where is a virtual Monkocracy, only the monkeys getting promoted into management by the other monkeys. Most Canadians have a boss who is a monkey, a monkey who will constantly bite them and make them work unpaid overtime. Plus, if a Canadian gets a bad performance review, his monkey boss will give him Ebola. It's true, though most Canadians will tell you otherwise because they're filthy liars.

And it's already too late for Canada, because they can't pass laws against the monkeys since the monkeys overtook the legislature. I even think their president, or prime minister, or head hockey coach - whatever it is that rules Canada - is a monkey (well, technically they have a king which is a moose, but he's just a figurehead). But we can fight back before it's too late. First, if you ever need to travel to Canada (I don’t know why; maybe to dump trash or something), make sure to thoroughly check your car for any monkey stowaways on return. Check in the trunk, under the hood, under the car, and cut open each tire to make sure a monkey isn’t hiding inside. Also, unlike Taiwan, which has laws to protect monkeys, we should pass a Monkey Unprotection law, one where, if you see a wild monkey and don't at least throw a rock at it, you would face heavy fines. And, if you are found to be a monkey sympathizer, there would be jail time. I also propose a new Amendment to the Constitution which will read: "Monkeys are bad; kick them."

Do you want a future overrun by monkeys like what Charlton Heston had to face? Of course you don't. So support the Monkey Unprotection Act; it's for The Children™.

Okay, so I got bored of writing about the Middle East and North Korea; so sue me.

Rating: 1.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (17)
July 28, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:14 PM | Email This

The poll for Group D is coming down to a photo finish, so make sure to have voted. To be fair, I’ll try to close this one at 24 hours on the dot, but I probably won't be able to post the results until tomorrow night (when also the poll for Group E and question for the final group, Group F, appears).

My father sent me the story Bob links to. I hear it could be an urban legend, but there's still some wisdom to it.

Note-It Posts has made the Move™, so welcome Dana at her new digs off blogspot.

Jarred Nicholls takes on the "hyping" of the war.

Blackfive answers e-mail with style. I'm starting to like him. (if you still haven't read his story about the French General, do so now).

Some one please think of the children!

What I love about Laurence Simon (when I don't hate it) is he never worries about being offensive.

Finally, I think we need a story about Bob Hope, who just passed away. There goes a great American.

* * * *

I don't always have a lot of time each day to peruse the blogosphere, so don't be afraid to send me a link to one of your posts if you think it's especially worthy. Just don't bug me too often (try to keep e-mails to once a week) or get too upset if I don't use it.

Rating: 1.9/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Frank Answers: Penumbras and Their Practicability, .50 AE vs. 12-guage, 0% APR, Bond Girls, Helping New Readers, and To Patronize
Posted by Frank J. at 01:03 PM | Email This

Yay! Frank Answers™ is back!

LC Victor from The First Circle of Hell asks:
What's a "Penumbra?" Is there ever a time when one is "Practical?"

Penumbra is what Bob Hope just died from. I guess it's practical if you hate Bob Hope (which only a dirty Commie would).


Tim E. from Xenia, OH asks:
A 12-gauge Remington shotgun or a .50 caliber Desert Eagle handgun -
which would be better for killing commies, hippies, and foreigners in
general?

Sure, the Desert Eagle is cool, but it's just not practical enough (certainly not as practical as a penumbra). Do you know how much that .50 AE ammo costs? A 12-gauge shotgun has been around forever, though, and has been proven reliable against home invaders, zombies, and aliens. If you need to send something to hell, a shotgun is the most tried and true transportation available.


Ed Hawley from Milpitas, CA asks:
If car companies are advertising "0% APR", is this compounded daily or quarterly?

Neither; it's compounded continuously. Here is the equation. It involves e. Everyone loves e.


Nick Packwood from London, England writes:
You are obviously a super-spy of some kind. Who is your favorite Bond Girl?
I liked the blond one from the most recent Bond movie, Die Another Day. She was great right up until the part she got all dead. Then she lost her appeal.


Sean from Sydney, Australia writes:
Have you thought about making a character's page for your In My World™ posts? While I know you're basing the characters on real world political figures, you've ended up adding in a lot of character points that are entirely your own, such as Condoleezza Rice being an evil supervillainess, President Bush's penchant for prank calling Democrats, the Fox News Reporter, Buck the Marine, and Chomps. Do you think it might be helpful for newcomers to the site if there were a characters page?

Yes, it would be helpful for newcomers.

That was an easy question.


CPT Brook A. Nelson from somewhere (most likely) asks:
When you ask readers to "Please patronize our sponsors", are you referring to the first dictionary definition which is 1) to be a customer of or do you mean 2) to treat condescendingly, haughtily, or coolly?

I mean the first one. The phrase comes from the back of the church bulletin from the church I went to when growing up, and I always like it. So, if you ever plan on buying something from Amazon.com, just go through one of my links to get your stuff so I get money. No cost to you, and it makes me happy. And, when I'm happy, I'm funnier.

Remember this equation: Money = Happy = Funny

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Frank Answers
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Poll (You Vote Now!) and Questions for Group E (You Answer Now!)
Posted by Frank J. at 09:41 AM | Email This

Feel the electricity in the air? It could only mean one thing: time for a new batch of bloggers to compete!

Here is Group D! (now with less formatting so this post doesn't take me an hour to put together)

Meet the Bloggers

1. Site Name: Happy Furry Puppy Story Time
2. Preferred Name: Norbizness
3. Length of Blogging: Since May 25, 2003
4. Brief Site Description: A steaming load of
appeasenik tripe.
5a. Praise Frank: He sells me weed 'at cost'. He doesn't smell like dog when he gets wet. He lends me small firearms so that my wait at the Post Office can
be cut in half.
5b. Favorite Frank Post: The December 2002 chestnut "If They're Not Evil, Then Why Are They Foreign?"
6. Favorite Movie: Toss-up between Renoir's "The Grand Illusion" and Swayze's "Roadhouse"
7. Simpsons Character: Johnny Cash as Homer's spirit guide

My Blog
By Susie
My Blog is called Practical Penumbra.
It is by Susie because that is my name and I like my name.
My Blog is 3 months old, and soon it will be able to roll over by itself. [Ed. I took developmental psychology in college, so I get that joke.]
My blog is very pretty. It would be prettier but all my crayons melted into blurple.
I write things in my blog. Sometimes I mention Frank, because he is very funny.
Sometimes I talk about school and sometimes I talk about where I work. School is not fun. :( Work is sometimes fun. :)
Usually I just read my friends' blogs and link to them.
I like Frank VERY much. He is VERY funny. He is also best friends with lots of
cool people like Buck the Marine and the President, and he tells us about them.
That is very interesting. The best story he told was about Belgium getting
nuked
. (It wasn't in the news, though, so I think the government covered it up.
They do that.) [Ed. Actually, they missed if you remember correctly]
Today my favorite movie is "1776". The men all sing and wear funny clothes. It makes me laugh. (But not as much as Frank does).
I like the Simpsons very much. Usually I feel like Lisa, but today I feel like Apu. The Simpsons makes me laugh. (But not as much as Frank does).
The End

*What is the name of your site?
Over The Edge, a subsidiary of ColoradoPsycho.com.
*What is your preferred name as a blogger?
Bloodthirsty Warmonger. I take an epithet that most Idiotarians are likely to hurl at me and turn it into a badge of pride.
*How long have you been blogging?
Since 18 February 2003
*Give a brief description of your site.
News and opinions, mainly on the wacky world of human behavior. “Compassionate conservatism” is more than a political catch phrase on this site, which has been declared a troll-free zone.
*Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
I have no life outside of IMAO! When I grow up, I want my site to become a cheap imitation of his. Frank’s blog site is the only one where I absolutely cannot have anything to eat or drink before visiting. At the risk of sounding sadistic, the “In My World” scene where he describes Rummy educating a reporter on the difference between Vietnam and other wars (30 June 2003) gives me violent fantasies.
*What's your favorite movie? It’s a Wonderful Life.
*Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?
Mr. Ned Flanders, of course. I always look for the good in people, am an incurable optimist most of the time, have been known to teach Sunday School, and am probably the first person in this contest to name It’s a Wonderful Life as his favorite movie.

What is the name of your site - the voodoo lounge
What is your preferred name as a blogger - dr.dna
How long have you been blogging - about 6 months
Give a brief description of your site - war, politics & whatever else catches my eye
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post - All Hail. That brief enough for you? Favourite bits are Frank Answers and Know Thy Enemy
What's your favorite movie - Lots, but the first that come to mind are Braveheart & Monty Python movies
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with - Homer, because even though I have a job, sometimes it seems like I always have something better to do than go to work.

*What is the name of your site?
Curiosity
*What is your preferred name as a blogger?
Elliot or curi
*How long have you been blogging?
6 months
*Give a brief description of your site.
I write in-jokes, hardcore philosophy, and random stuff. Occasionally. Read at your own risk.
*Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
The jokes are terrific, and plenty to qualify Frank as brilliant, but the post that most stands out is this one: Giving Thanks. I very much appreciate that Frank is Good as well as funny.
*What's your favorite movie?
Cruel Intentions
*Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?
Lisa, for the isolated intellectual thing, *not* the tree-hugging bit.

*What is the name of your site?
Little Miss Attila
*What is your preferred name as a blogger?
Attila Girl
*How long have you been blogging?
Since this past spring.
*Give a brief description of your site.
Beautifully crafted essays, sardonic jokes, and belated teenage angst.
*Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
Frank's a cute, wonderful kid. I'm allowed to say that, since I'm 41. It would have to be your declaration of war on Instapundit. [Ed. Oh, and the plans I have for him... but I must wait for the right time to strike...]
* What's your favorite movie?
Aliens.
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?
Lisa.

For the first time, everyone in the group responded. Yay Group D!

Here are their responses to the question in random order (revealing who wrote which is means for disqualification):

QUESTION: In 200 words or less, describe the best way to kill a
Communist.

ANSWER 1: The best way to kill a commie depends on one's own personal idiom. There are those who prefer weapons grade plutonium in a puppie smoothie, and others who insist that a katana and a Colt 1991 will do. I, however, am of the school that believes the old tried-and-true remedies work best: capitalism (and lots of it!).

ANSWER 2: Almost anything can be justified, as long as you have a good recipe for it. The Japanese in me wanted to turn him into sushi – then I came to my senses, realizing that you need the freshest ingredients for that. As I plunged into the nefarious depths, my thoughts turned to the fine art of jungle warfare. We could let him out into the jungle with a five-minute head start, pursued by Buck the Marine, who’s been given the order to shoot him on sight, like a mad dog.! But before that happens, he could be done in by a variety of booby traps. My favorite method of turning him into hamburger would be the Bouncing Betty, the mine with the spring device that causes a bomb to explode at chest level. Of course there will be cameras to record the expression of surprise on his face in his last second of life. Muh ha ha ha!

ANSWER 3: Drop him in a pit with monkeys. Tell the monkeys he's a Jew (monkeys are anti-semitic).

ANSWER 4: Put a bomb in Yao Ming's ribcage during a Chinese National Team basketball exhibition game in Beijing. [I hereby cede my 183 unexpended words back to my competitors].

ANSWER 5: Get an Islamic suicide terrorist to blow up near him. Two birds with one stone.

ANSWER 6: Wouldn't that depend on the range?--I could see a variety of firearms as being really useful for this project. But please do not forget poison, which creates a lot of pain. If you can get close to the communist in question, I would recommend working poison into their food. Don't mess around with ice picks; that's silly.

Many good answers, but only one can be declared the best answer.

PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!

POLL CLOSED

Poll closes 24 hours after this post.

And now next round of questions for Group E!

GROUP E QUESTIONS:

What is the name of your site?
What is your preferred name as a blogger?
How long have you been blogging?
Give a brief description of your site.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
What's your favorite movie?
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?

SHORT ANSWER QUESTION: Everyone knows my solution to random ninja attacks. In 200 words or less, describe your own solution. Remember, while people hate getting randomly attacked by ninjas, they also hate high taxes, so try and keep your solutions cheap.

Before I had taken everyone's answers to their questions and formatted them the same, but now I'm just going to post them as you give them to me (I especially liked Susie's cute little way of doing hers). So e-mail me your answers ready for cut and paste. You have 24 hours from the time of this post to mail them in. Godspeed.

Rating: 2.1/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Permalink Contest
In My World: Rabbit Duck Saddam Season
Posted by Frank J. at 09:38 AM | Email This

Co-Written by Mike the Marine

"We need to get Saddam Hussein!" Bush shouted, pounding the table with his fist. "NBC is willing to commit to 13 episodes, of the Uday and Qusay Dead Body Puppet Hour, but only if I can add Saddam to the cast."

"Most people think showing the dead bodies of Uday and Qusay was appropriate for the circumstances in Iraq," Scott McClellan said, " but don't you think dancing the dead bodies of our enemies around like puppets is going a little too far?"

"Hey, we're talking a series on a major network," Bush shot back, "and who the hell are you?"

"I'm Scott McClellan," Scott answered, "I've been your White House Press Secretary for two weeks now."

Bush thought about this. "Sounds right, but, to be on the safe side, I'm going to have the Secret Service beat you up while I check on that."

"Hey!" Scott protested as the Secret Service dragged him away.

"New guys are so stupid," Bush chuckled once Scott was out of the room, "After they've roughed him up for five minutes, I'll tell him it was a joke. Now, back to business: how is our progress towards finding Saddam?"

"No new information now," Cheney said, "but we do have a 25 million dollar bounty on his head."

Bush jumped to his feet. "25 million dollars! Hot damn! I'm gonna find him myself!" He paused to think for a moment. "He's probably not somewhere in the White House is he?"

"Nope," Cheney answered.

"Then we'll need a plane, I guess. Who wants to go Saddam hunting with me?"

"Lord knows I'm always ready for killing anything!" Rumsfeld answered.

"My doctor tells me such activity could be bad for my heart," Cheney said, "but what the hell does he know; he's not ever had one heart attack! I think I'm the expert on the subject. Count me in."

"I'll come too," Condoleezza Rice said.

"No girls," Bush answered, "Hunting is a guy thing. Why don't you go knit a sweater or devise some war plans, Condi."

"Fine!" Rice said angrily as she stormed out of the room, "I'll just stay here and work on my planned military coup."

"You do that," Bush responded. "Now let's get together what we need to bring for the trip."

From out of the shadows emerged the hooded figure of Karl Rove. "Don't forget to bring a camera. If people can witness you, the president, killing Saddam Hussein by yourself, it will show such strength that surely the Democrats will collapse as prophesized by the ancients in the Book of Shadows and Punditry."

"Forget about the Democrats, Karly," Bush responded, "We're talking about 25 million dollars. With that kind of money, I could buy all the Democrats gold-plated baby bottles to go along with their whining."

"Or have them killed," Rumsfeld said, "At least at my going rate."

* * * *

"Hey, Laura, look; I got my hunting cap with the earflaps and everything," Bush exclaimed.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going Saddam hunting with Cheney and Rumsfeld and Chomps," he told her, "I'm going to get that 25 million for myself."

"Don't you think it will look bad if the president takes the award the government is offering?"

"I think I've made it pretty clear throughout my administration that I don't think at all," Bush responded indignantly, "That why I got a group of smart people in my cabinet."

"I'll bring the beer," Cheney announced, holding his hunting rifle.

"I'm bringing the whiskey," Rumsfeld said.

"Well, don't shoot each other," Laura said with concern.

"That won't happen unless we get so drunk we mistake each other for Baathists," Bush assured her.

"I'm not promising anything," Rumsfeld said, loading his hunting rifle.

* * * *

Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Chomps waited in the Iraqi desert, hiding behind cover. "This is what I love about being an American," Bush said, loading his gun, "We can go into any country we choose and do whatever the f**k we want. And who is going to stop us? No one, because we're too big and powerful."

"Other countries are stupid," Rumsfeld responded, taking a drink of whiskey, "Now let's shoot people."

"By the way," Cheney said, "Did you ever tell the Secret Service to stop beating up Scott?"

Bush thought about that for a moment. "Eh, I'm sure they tired out eventually."

Chomps, the world's angriest hunting dog, fiercely attacked the desert sand. Sand made him angry. Then the sun got in his eyes. He really hated the sun, and dreamed of ripping it apart with his teeth. For now, he just barked at it.

"Quiet, Chomps," Bush scolded him, "We have to be silent when hunting for Baathists. Cheney, use the terrorist call."

Cheney blew into a whistle and out came a loud ululation. From behind a Bush stood up a terrorist who exclaimed, "Death to America!" Bush then shot him.

"Go fetch him, Chomps," Rumsfeld commanded. Chomps ran out and dragged back the terrorist.

"Now to check him against me deck of cards of the Iraqi most wanted," Bush said, pulling out his cards. "Sure a lot of fugitive naked women."

"I think that's the wrong deck of cards," Cheney said.

"Oh yeah," Bush answered, and then pulled out another deck of cards. "He doesn't match any. Must just be some random Baathist. Toss him back, Chomps."

"I'm very hurt, and your dog swallowed my boot," the terrorist pleaded.

"Hey, we all got problems," Bush answered.

With a quick shake of his head, Chomps tossed the terrorist back out into the field.

"Hey, I see another one!" Bush exclaimed, and took a shot.

Chomps dragged back the body.

"You killed a monkey!" Cheney exclaimed.

"A terrorist monkey," Bush said.

"I think he's just a regular monkey."

"Something is dead; let's be happy," Rumsfeld declared.

"Let's just keep an eye out for a man in a yellow hat seeking vengeance to be on the safe side," Bush said. "Now, we have to find a better way to draw Saddam out." He looked to Cheney. "Go out in the field and pretend to be a Kurd. Then I'll shoot Saddam when he comes out to gas you."

"No," Cheney answered, "Every time I pretend to be a Kurd, it always ends in trouble."

"Well, we have to find Saddam somehow," Bush declared, "I want that 25 million to make me extra richer!"

Suddenly, bullets came whizzing by their ears. Sand kicked up at their feet as metric ammo went flying by all around them. Loud ululations were heard and the very ground shook beneath their feet. Over a sand dune in the distance came…….. Helen Thomas.

“Why are you trying to steal $25 million from Iraqi children?” screeched the Wicked Witch of the West Wing.

Bush looked at her with a mix of contempt and confusion. Mostly it was exasperation, though. “Oh sweet weeping Jesus on the cross….. what are you doing here you old bat? Didn’t the doctors tell you not to leave your house? And where’d you get the AK-47 from?”

“Those doctors were fakes, and the AK-47 was given to me by Peter Arnette. It’s one he picked up during the first gulf war. Of course he was too much of a wuss to ever shoot it.”

“Well no argument on the Arnette thing.” Bush said, smiling at her. Out of the corner of his mouth he whispered to Rumsfeld. “Fire those damned ‘doctors’ and get somebody more believable next time.”

“Done,” said Rummy, the satellite phone already to his ear.

“Why are you illegally here in Iraq stealing millions of dollars?” she heckled Bush again.

“Listen you mindless bint, I can’t be stealing it from them – it’s already ours. What’s that shadow?” Bush looked up.

Fox News reporter Melinda Hawkish landed squarely on Helen’s head. Her parachute was immediately consumed by Chomps before it even had a chance to hit the ground. Parachutes made Chomps angry, for reasons even the world’s angriest dog did not really understand.

“What did I land on?” asked Melinda.

“A desert rat,” Bush said coldly. “A big, fat, desert rat.”

“What are YOU doing here?” Cheney gasped. He was still using up heartbeats after diving away from Helen Thomas’ wildly erratic gunfire.

“Buck the Marine called me and said that he’d gotten some intel about you guys going on a Saddam hunt. I want Saddam’s last interview before you turn him into a marionette.”

“Hey that TV deal’s supposed to be hush-hush!” Bush cried. “I don’t want anybody stealing my idea.”

“How is ol’ Buck?” Rummy asked. “He’s a good man, holding down the fort in Liberia for us.”

“He said the weapons drop wasn’t nearly large enough.” Melinda said. “He needs another pallet of ammo and some MREs, too.”

“Didn’t we send him 150,000 rounds of .223 and a whole box of chicken tortellini meals?” Bush asked.

“He’s a Marine. They want two things: food and ammo.” Melinda said matter-of-factly. Chomps yelped in agreement. Buck was one of the precious few people that made him less angry. Not happy, mind you – just less angry.

“Well, nobody ever killed Saddam by sitting in one place and waiting for him to ditty-bop on by. Let’s roll,” said Rumsfeld.

“I can’t move too fast in this heat,” Cheney said.

“Awww, woook…. Widdle baby is gonna have another coronary. Boo frickin’ hoo.” Rumsfeld chided him. “Get to steppin’. In thirty miles you can have a nitro pill.”

“Owned!!” Bush laughed at Cheney. “Hey, Rummy you gonna share that water?”

“What water?” Rumsfeld asked, as he screwed the cap back on his canteen. “I think there’s a watering hole aboouuuuttttt……. thirty miles from here.”

“I miss being undisclosed,” Cheney said as he shuffled off behind the others.

Rating: 1.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (20) | In My World
July 27, 2003
Writing Hard
Posted by Frank J. at 07:47 PM | Email This

Sorry to get behind on posting, but I think I'm getting to one of those stages where I have to figure out how to regulate how much time I spend on my blog before it consumes and destroys me. I'd like to keep up one humorous post each morning, followed by Frank Answers™ in the afternoon when circumstances allow, and some links of the day at night, but I think I'm going to have to stop posting on the weekends so I can get some other hobbies going. Also, the In My World™ posts, though my favorite, to come up with, are also becoming too time consuming to write and I may change those to being once a week or make them much shorter or have more "To be continued" ones.

Anyway, I'll still try to come up with one for tomorrow morning (along with having the next permalink contest poll up and questions for Group E), but I don't have a clue what to have it about this time. Any ideas?

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (10)
About Netflix
Posted by Frank J. at 12:17 PM | Email This

You may have noticed there is now a banner at the top of my page for Netflix. Well, I get $9 buck for everyone who signs up for a free trial. That's great, because, before, I had been telling people how much I like Netflix for free. The idea is you keep a queue of movies online, and, for $20 a month, they send you the first three of your list. You can keep them as long as you want, and, as soon as you send one back (using the postage paid envelope it comes with), they then send you the next DVD on your list. I've found it usually takes less than a week between sending one out and receiving a new movie. If you watch movies as soon as you get them and then send them right back, you could easily see more than a dozen in a week. If you like movies even more, they offer other plans where you can keep more than three at once.

Now the great thing is their selection. Now, I'm an American, and I love government certified blockbusters as much as the next guy, but occasionally I like to seem some old artsy film or a foreign film (don't tell Buck), and I've had trouble finding them at the local Blockbuster. My only recourse was to buy them if I want to see them (you should see my Aikira Kurosawa collection). Well, with Netflix, if it's on DVD, they have it. Currently I'm watching the Zatoichi series through them, interspersed with a mix of comedy's, blockbuster's I missed, and old classics I've always mean to see. Anytime I think of some movie I want to see, I can just head to my Netflix page and add it to my queue.

If you own a DVD player and like movies (why do you have a DVD player if you don't like moves?), you need to give Netflix a try. You get it for two weeks free, and they make it easy to cancel if you don't like it. And, if you go more than two weeks and think better of it, you only pay month to month and can stop anytime.

So, go to my banner, click on it, and give them a try. If you want some move recommendations (they'll let you rate movies you've already seen and give you recommendations based on that, but I'm smarter than them) see Equilibrium - it's an awesome movie with some very inventive action. Also, The Hunted with Christopher Lambert (not to be confused by the more recent one with Tommy Lee Jones) is great if you like seeing samurais fight ninjas (and who doesn't?). Also, everyone must see The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly in widescreen. It is my favorite movie and has the most perfect ending of pretty much any movie I've ever seen.

I'm sure you’ll want to thank me later for pointing you to Netflix, but, if you join through my banner, you won't have to, because I'll get nine bucks. And nine bucks is thanks enough.

Rating: 2.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (13)
July 26, 2003
Blogathon!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:55 PM | Email This

The blogathon commences. Michele, Meryl Yourish, and Laurence Simon are posting once every half hour for the entire day for charity (you donated, didn't you?). Go tell them you love them.

Rating: 1.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Instapundo Delenda Est: A Curve Ball
Posted by Frank J. at 12:11 PM | Email This

The puppy blender has now just shown solidarity with Howard Dean. Now I have the potential Democrat presidential candidate to worry about, too.

The enemies list grows.

Enemies List:
Instapundit
Wizbang
Chaos Central
Howard Dean

I think he's getting nervous about the aforementioned attack I have planned for him. But I'm in no rush...

Muh ha ha ha!

UPDATE: He's linked to me twice now! I don't know what evil plan the Enemy is up to, but he will rue the day he crossed me. He will rue it until he lies on the ground all rued out. Then he will get up, have a puppy shake to regain his energy, and rue some more until he is completely rueless and crashes on the couch to watch some TV and rest for yet another day of ruing.

UPDATE 2: As long as I'm getting an Instalance, just want to tell everyone that Michele, Meryl Yourish, and Laurence Simon are participating in this year's Blogathon and are trying to raise enough money to buy an ambulance for an Israeli chairty. Go give them support.

Rating: 2.6/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (11)
July 25, 2003
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Round 3 Over
Posted by Frank J. at 12:48 PM | Email This

The poll is closed.

No offense to the first two groups, but I think we had the best group of answers so far (they probably also got an easier question; everyone hates monkeys). There were a total of 267 votes.

The question was: Name your least favorite species of monkey and explain why you dislike that monkey.

And the winning answer is: Answer 1, written by Stan, Bob, Jon, Darwin and Guy of Modularparrot.com. It got 96 votes (36%).

The European Moss-Back; a nearly-extinct subset of the infamous Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkey. The EMB is distinguished by its lack of personal hygiene, infrequent showers and propensity to urinate in the street. Visual identification is simple; the EMB is heavily carpeted in thick hair on its back, arms, legs, and feet and often wears a beret to cover a hairless pate. Always has something in its mouth, usually one of its feet. Older EMBs tend to be grey-backed.
* EMBs chatter constantly, usually unintelligibly, and wouldn't be caught dead communicating with lesser breeds. When they are caught dead, their meat is flabby, gamy and otherwise unpalatable.
* EMBs are not territorial; in fact, they rarely defend themselves except when there's pride or oil involved, neither of which they posses in any significant quantity. So they tend to be red arsed from frequent beatings.
* They can only be moved to action by threats and big sticks, or by yelling "Rarr". (16 words)
* EMBs tend to congregate around African cesspools, art museums, or plates heaped with rotting cheese, foie gras and crackers, and they show a peculiar attraction to whine.

Answer 2 was written by Graham Lester of Uncategorical. It got 67 votes (25%).

The baboon is my least favorite species of monkey:
Baboons have ugly butts.
Baboons are scary.
Baboons will eat anything, including other baboons, and even humans.
The baboon is the most French of all the monkeys. Here are some solid proofs:
If you ask a baboon a simple question in English, he will act like he doesn't speak the language.
If you ask the question again in French, the baboon will act arrogant, like you're not good enough to merit the consideration of a reply.
Although baboons eat anything and anyone, I know of no case of a baboon eating a Frenchman.
Although they will also eat anything, I know of no case of a Frenchman eating a baboon. Obviously, there is an alliance.
If you ask to be served baboon in a French restaurant, they will become angry, like they have something to hide.
French organ grinders never use baboons.
There are no cases of baboon organ grinders using Frenchmen (except in captivity).
If you throw a beret to a troop of baboons, they will wait until you have gone and then the leader will put the beret on his head and quote Sartre.
Stop Press: Absolute proof of the Franco-Baboon Alliance can be found at this link.

Answer 3 was written by Mike of Mike. He got 23 votes (9%).

At the risk of being permanently banned from IMAO, I have to confess that I love monkeys. All of them. The little guys are incredibly handy. They wash my dishes, pick up my dry cleaning, and occasionally pose as me on my blog. They even do windows, although they bitch about it. The only problem is that I can't toilet-train them. Their union contract says that they don't have to wear diapers so they shit wherever they want to.

Answer 4 was written by J of The Blog of Xanadu. It got 21 votes (8%). Donations are now being accepted.

Any form of macaque. Macaque is the French word for 'monkey'. Leave it to the French to name the monkey after their tiny masculine body parts. We should shoot all macaques, and then shoot each French man in is 'macaque'. As President, I'd make macaques illegal. Donations are now being accepted.

Answer 5 was written by Bill of Bloviating Inanities. It got 13 votes (5%).

The Buffy-headed Marmoset. While this particular monkey appears cute, cuddly and harmless enough, I once witnessed two of these little bastards at a zoo. It wasn't pretty. The male not only sexually assaulted the female, he then proceeded to steal her banana. She retaliated by throwing her fresh, steaming poo at him. I was afraid she would turn on me with the poo flinging so I headed over to a more well-behaved animal, the wolverine. Luckily, the Buffy-headed Marmoset is on the endangered species list.

Answer 6 was written by John or Collins (is doesn't really matter) of Collinization. It got 47 votes (18%).

Although I do hate all monkeys, my least favorite species is the apus moldus cowardus; the cheese-eating surrender monkey. Easily identified by their long, flowing back hair(females) and small genitals(males), this vile beast was the first species of monkey to fling excriment out of it's mouth. These animals allow their food to rot for months, even years before consuming it. Some think that they enjoy the stench, as it covers their own putrid smell. Others, like myself, believe it is due to their intense fear of inanimate objects. For those reasons, the cheese-eating surrender monkey is the species of monkey I hate the most. Well, that and one of the little bastards bit me one time, and I think it gave me the AIDS. Don't worry though; I put some windex on it.

This was a hard one to pick a best answer from, and I once again did not vote for the winner as I voted for Answer 2 as I thought the comparison between a baboon and a Frenchman was particularly funny (I especially liked the part about it pretending not to know English).

Hmm... and this is three times in a row answer 1 has won the contest.

Anyway, congratulations to the P-Team of Modularparrot.com who joins Serenity's Journal and Adventures in Trouble Shooting as finalists.

Thanks again to everyone for participating. I hope this has been as fun for you as it is aggravating for me to format these posts :)

Group D's answers are all in, and the poll will be posted Monday morning.

Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Permalink Contest
In My World: Buck Goes to Liberia Part II
Posted by Frank J. at 11:23 AM | Email This

Part 1


"You gotta see this!" Rumsfeld exclaimed with a smile.

"What?" President Bush asked.

"Instead of just showing the dead bodies of Uday and Qusay, we came up with something more creative," Condoleezza Rice said, turning on a TV and putting in a tape.

"We strung up those two bastards like marionette puppets and made them dance!" Rumsfeld laughed.

On screen were the two bullet riddled bodies of Uday and Qusay dancing. Bush began to shield his eyes. "This is the most disgusting, grotesque, vile thing I've ever..." He then started laughing. "Hey, Uday just hit Qusay!" he said excitedly, "Hit him again! Uh-oh; Qusay is fighting back!" He turned to Rice and Rumsfeld. "This is great. We should make a series."

"Dancing dead Iraqis aside," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "What am I supposed to tell the press when they find out we only sent one Marine to Liberia?"

"I dunno, Ari; we didn't want to send more until that goof Charles Taylor steps down," Bush said, "Why are we even concerned about Liberia anyway? They don't have oil."

"I don't think we want to say that," Scott answered.

"Ari, you've really become more of a worry-wart since you grew hair," Bush told him, "Why don't you make up some other excuse for why we aren't sending more troops such as that we hate black people."

"I don't know if that's a good idea," Rice said.

"That's for Ari to decide," Bush assured her, "He's the professional at this." Bush then started laughing hysterically. "Hit him again, Uday! Hit him!"

* * * *

Buck hid behind cover while Chomps stood near by, still wearing his blue helmet which made him the world's angriest U.N. peacekeeper. They were being fired on by some people on the top story of a building and had Buck pinned down tight.

"I'm almost out of ammo," Buck exclaimed, "I may have to use one of these AK-47's from the for'ners I killed, and I hate AK-47's."

Chomps took an AK-47 in his mouth and snapped it in two. He also hated AK-47's.

"I have an idea," Buck told Chomps, "Maybe if you're smart like Lassie, you could take a grenade and run it into the building where all the for'ners are. Then you can pull out the pin and run away." He held out a grenade to Chomps. "Can you do that, boy?"

Chomps took the grenade and swallowed it.

"Oh, that ain't good."

Chomps started hacking and coughing.

"You better not explode on me," Buck said, shielding his face.

Chomps then walked out of cover and hacked out the grenade with such force that it flew through the air and into the window of the building where their attackers were. It then exploded, taking out the top floor. Chomps then walked over to Buck and set a grenade pin in his hand.

"Wow!" Buck exclaimed, "That's quite a trick. When we get back to the states, we're going to have to have you do that on Letterman."

Buck readied his weapon and continued down through the streets with Chomps following close behind. He soon spotted a woman ahead of him.

"Hmm, she don't look so foreign," Buck said, approaching cautiously.

It was Fox News reporter, Melinda Hawkish, standing outside a building. "What are you doing here?" Buck asked.

"Trying to out scoop Jennifer 'look at me I'm so pretty and in dangerous places' Eccleston by interviewing President Charles Taylor."

"Won't you need a cameraman?" Buck asked.

"Mine got kidnapped and now they're asking for a ransom," Melinda said with frustration, "All I really want to do is get a nice anchorwoman job. They once let me co-host on Fox and Friends, but, get in one fist fight with Susan Estridge, and suddenly you’re banned for life." She fixed her blouse. "So, do you think this appropriate amount of cleavage to show for a serious news woman?"

"Uh... I guess," Buck answered, "So is Charles Taylor in that building? I have a message for him."

"Yeah, he's locked in there."

Buck walked over to the building. "President Charles Taylor, I have a message for you!" Buck called out, "It's from General Abizaid."

"What is it?" Taylor asked, peeking out a window.

"You're an ass and you should get out of office!"

"I won't leave until the Americans commit troops!" Taylor responded.

"Uh... well, I'm an American Marine."

"Where are the rest of you?"

"Uh... I'm a fast runner... they're just behind me."

Taylor though about this. "Okay, I'll leave office, but I first need to talk to a U.N. representative."

Buck looked to Chomps and patted him on his blue helmet. "I guess that means you."

Chomps ran forward and busted through the front door. Soon they could hear some screaming and then Taylor jumped out the window and ran off down the street. Now looking out the window was Chomps with a big slobbery smile.

"Good negotiating, Chomps," Buck called out, "Ooh-rah!"

Melinda watched Taylor run like hell down the street. "There goes my interview," she sighed.

* * * *

Bush ran into Rumsfeld office. "UPN just offered to pay for thirteen episodes of The Uday & Qusay Show."

"Okay," Rumsfeld said, "but I need to keep creative control."

A phone started ringing and Rumsfeld picked it up. "Who is this? ...Buck? Buck who? ...Oh, Buck the Marine. How are things going?"

"We got President Charles Taylor to resign, so I'm taking a break to enjoy some Liberian liquors with Melinda Hawkish," Buck said.

"Okay, have a nice rest; you deserve it. Then I want you to head out to Congo and fix whatever is wrong there."

"But I'm almost out of ammo and..."

"So how is Chomps?" Rumsfeld interrupted.

"He took a flight back to the states with some other people... I think to New York."

"What? He's all alone with strangers?"

"He seemed to know what he was doing."

* * * *

Chomps stood at the front of the main U.N. headquarter’s auditorium, wearing his blue helmet and looking at all the U.N. representatives with some confusion. Kofi Anan stood next to him.

"For negotiating a peaceful resignation of President Charles Taylor, we would like to award U.N. peacekeeper Chomps this medal," Kofi Anan said, and then moved toward Chomps with the medal in hand.

Chomps took that as a threatening motion. And it made him angry. Now that he thought of it, all the people in this building made him angry for some reason. His eyes opened wide and were blood shot. He lips curled up revealing his jagged teeth. A growl started emanating from him, first low, then building in volume. Yes, the U.N. representatives made him angry. Very angry.

"Oh dear."

THE END

Rating: 1.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (27) | In My World
Posts Coming
Posted by Frank J. at 11:02 AM | Email This

I got some much needed rest, and now I'm going to type out the conclusion for "In My World: Buck Goes to Liberia" (it's just in my head right now, but I'm pretty sur it's funny) now followed by the poll results for Group C.

Rating: 1.0/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (5)
July 24, 2003
Me Tired
Posted by Frank J. at 09:28 PM | Email This

I've finally gotten a weekend after thirteen days straight of working, and I'm too tired and lazy now to do Links of the Day. Anyway, vote in the poll (a lot of good answer to choose from) and tomorrow I'm going to post a special Friday In My World™ since I thought Wednesday's one was a bit short.

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (6)
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Poll (You Vote Now!) and Questions for Group D (You Answer Now!)
Posted by Frank J. at 08:50 AM | Email This

Are you excited? Can you feel the tension?

Yes, it is time for new batch of bloggers to step up to the plate.

Let's meet Group C!

Meet the Bloggers

The Blog of Xanadu (running now as the Campaign Center for Xanadu for President. Donations are now being accepted.)
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? J, jfielek, and on occasion, Xanadu.
* How long have you been blogging? About a year and a half. 16 January 2002 was my first post.
* Description of Site: It's evolved into my Campaign for President. Donations are now being accepted.
* Praise Frank J. and IMAO: Frank J is The Man. Women spontaneously ovulate in his presence. Some even self impregnate. Dogs whimper and cower at his presence, cats flee, and the French piss their pants at the mere thought of him coming to England, much less France. The Eiffel Tower bursts into flame if a Frenchie even mentions his name (it happened just the other day). Monkeys self-castrate and flee into the jungle when Frank J approaches (this is hell on the Zoos and their breeding programs). Strong men feel faint in his presence. I even sign my email and posts 'J' just to emulate his Greatness. I like any of the "In My World" posts. That's why Frank J is Official White House Historian starting in January 2005, after I win the election. Donations are now being accepted.
* What's your favorite movie? Full Metal Jacket, just for R. Lee Ermey, my official White House Peace Envoy.
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Mayor Quimby. I have political aspirations, too. Donations are now being accepted.
* Are you accepting donations? Yes.
* When are you accepting donations? Now.
[Ed. Okay, I added those last two myself.]

Bloviating Inanities
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Bill
* How long have you been blogging? About 10 months.
Description of site: I wouldn't say mine was a personal weblog although I do talk about myself a lot because I love me. I try to talk about stuff people can relate to, like fat ankles and ass pollops.
Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: Frank J. is an engineer and that's very impressive! Frank J. must be really smart! I would love to praise Frank J.'s blog but it is against my policy to compliment a blog when I'm not on their blog roll. Hopefully, this contest will remedy that. OK, it's really frickin' funny. My favorite post is New Agenda.
* What's your favorite movie? South Park - The Movie. Satan, Saddam, Sodomy - it's got it all.
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Bleeding Gums Murphy. Don't ask.

Collinization (he just moved from blogspot)
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? John, or Collins, it really doesn't matter.
* How long have you been blogging? Let's see, started in April, its now July, so carry the 7...it'll be 20 years this Septober.
* Description of site: It's me writing about whatever I happen to feel like
writing about at that time. Cursing and ill-conceived racial remarks abound.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: Frank J. is the funniest guy I know who's website ends in .us. My favorite post is "In My World: The Press
is Getting Bored of Seeing Daschle Mauled by a Gorilla Every Year
", because it is amusing while still factually accurate. What will that zany alcoholic Ari
Fleischer do next? [Ed. Leave the administration.]
* What's your favorite movie? My favorite movie this week is Old School.
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Homer.

What is the name of your site? Uncategorical (formerly GrahamLester.com)
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Graham Lester
* How long have you been blogging? Since April 2003
* Description of site: Limericks, commentary and satire.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: Awesome!
* Favorite post: Know Thy Enemy: North Koreans
* What's your favorite movie? Casablanca
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Barney

Mike
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Mike
* How long have you been blogging? Since July 7, 2003
* Description of site: My friends think I'm full of shit and my blog is my opportunity to prove them right. Eventually I will use it to take over the world and run it my way.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: Frank is the Atlas on whose shoulders the Blogoshere rests. Favorite post? Any that irritate Glenn "I have no original content except for the occasional 'Heh' or 'Indeed'" Reynolds. [Ed. Heh, I like that.]
* What's your favorite movie? The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Bartman! "I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! You can't prove anything!" So Clintonesque. He's a role model for all politicians and over-paid athletes.

Modularparrot.com
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Stan, Bob, Jon, Darwin and Guy (The P-Team)
* How long have you been blogging? Stan and Bob for 1 year each in another life. Jon and the bird are virgin bloggers.
* Description of site: Authored by three guys and a talking African grey parrot; one conservative, one liberal and one libertarian. The bird is bipolar. Topics range from Naturally Dead Food™ to navel introspection; there's something for everyone. Worth regular visits to see what's new and exciting.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO:
Stan: Who is Frank J? What kind of name is that?
Bob: You know, he's the guy that runs IMAO.US. Lots of quality humor and gratuitous references to puppy blending and ninjas. Excellent material in 'Frank Answers', 'If I Were President' and 'In My World'. Seems like a nice guy.
Darwin: He's that Unablogger guy isn't he?
Bob: Shut up Darwin.
* What's your favorite movie?
Stan: ModularParrot The Movie, of course
Bob: The Incredible Mr. Limpet
Darwin: Yeah, with Aquaman
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?
Stan: I'm thinking Johnnie Cochran. No fly-funk attorney has more style.
Bob: I'd say that prosecutor guy who was violating that prosecutor gal, but doesn't Frank mean the cartoon Simpsons?
Stan: The Simpsons are a cartoon now? I bet Judge Ito is funny. Heh, heh.
Darwin:

Mamamontezz's Mental Rumpus Room did not get answers in on time.

Here are their repsonses to the question in random order (revealing who wrote which is means for disqualification):

QUESTION: Name your least favorite species of monkey and explain why you dislike that monkey.

ANSWER 1: The European Moss-Back; a nearly-extinct subset of the infamous Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkey. The EMB is distinguished by its lack of personal hygiene, infrequent showers and propensity to urinate in the street. Visual identification is simple; the EMB is heavily carpeted in thick hair on its back, arms, legs, and feet and often wears a beret to cover a hairless pate. Always has something in its mouth, usually one of its feet. Older EMBs tend to be grey-backed.
* EMBs chatter constantly, usually unintelligibly, and wouldn't be caught dead communicating with lesser breeds. When they are caught dead, their meat is flabby, gamy and otherwise unpalatable.
* EMBs are not territorial; in fact, they rarely defend themselves except when there's pride or oil involved, neither of which they posses in any significant quantity. So they tend to be red arsed from frequent beatings.
* They can only be moved to action by threats and big sticks, or by yelling "Rarr". (16 words)
* EMBs tend to congregate around African cesspools, art museums, or plates heaped with rotting cheese, foie gras and crackers, and they show a peculiar attraction to whine.

ANSWER 2: The baboon is my least favorite species of monkey:
Baboons have ugly butts.
Baboons are scary.
Baboons will eat anything, including other baboons, and even humans.
The baboon is the most French of all the monkeys. Here are some solid proofs:
If you ask a baboon a simple question in English, he will act like he doesn't speak the language.
If you ask the question again in French, the baboon will act arrogant, like you're not good enough to merit the consideration of a reply.
Although baboons eat anything and anyone, I know of no case of a baboon eating a Frenchman.
Although they will also eat anything, I know of no case of a Frenchman eating a baboon. Obviously, there is an alliance.
If you ask to be served baboon in a French restaurant, they will become angry, like they have something to hide.
French organ grinders never use baboons.
There are no cases of baboon organ grinders using Frenchmen (except in captivity).
If you throw a beret to a troop of baboons, they will wait until you have gone and then the leader will put the beret on his head and quote Sartre.
Stop Press: Absolute proof of the Franco-Baboon Alliance can be found at this link.

ANSWER 3: At the risk of being permanently banned from IMAO, I have to confess that I love monkeys. All of them. The little guys are incredibly handy. They wash my dishes, pick up my dry cleaning, and occasionally pose as me on my blog. They even do windows, although they bitch about it. The only problem is that I can't toilet-train them. Their union contract says that they don't have to wear diapers so they shit wherever they want to.

ANSWER 4: Any form of macaque. Macaque is the French word for 'monkey'. Leave it to the French to name the monkey after their tiny masculine body parts. We should shoot all macaques, and then shoot each French man in is 'macaque'. As President, I'd make macaques illegal. Donations are now being accepted.

ANSWER 5: The Buffy-headed Marmoset. While this particular monkey appears cute, cuddly and harmless enough, I once witnessed two of these little bastards at a zoo. It wasn't pretty. The male not only sexually assaulted the female, he then proceeded to steal her banana. She retaliated by throwing her fresh, steaming poo at him. I was afraid she would turn on me with the poo flinging so I headed over to a more well-behaved animal, the wolverine. Luckily, the Buffy-headed Marmoset is on the endangered species list.

ANSWER 6: Although I do hate all monkeys, my least favorite species is the apus moldus cowardus; the cheese-eating surrender monkey. Easily identified by their long, flowing back hair(females) and small genitals (males), this vile beast was the first species of monkey to fling excriment out of it's mouth. These animals allow their food to rot for months, even years before consuming it. Some think that they enjoy the stench, as it covers their own putrid smell. Others, like myself, believe it is due to their intense fear of inanimate objects. For those reasons, the cheese-eating surrender monkey is the species of monkey I hate the most. Well, that and one of the little bastards bit me one time, and I think it gave me the AIDS. Don't worry though; I put some windex on it.

There are the answers; all very good answers... but which is best!

PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!

POLL CLOSED (results here)

Poll closes 24 hours after this post (well, probably a bit later because I don't have work tomorrow and I'm going to sleep in).

And now next round of questions for Group D!

GROUP D QUESTIONS:

What is the name of your site?
What is your preferred name as a blogger?
How long have you been blogging?
Give a brief description of your site.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
What's your favorite movie?
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?

SHORT ANSWER QUESTION: In 200 words or less, describe the best way to kill a Communist.

You have 24 hours from the time of this post to get me your answers. Godspeed.

Rating: 2.1/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (10)
I Do Not Recall
Posted by Frank J. at 08:47 AM | Email This

It's final; there is going to be a recall vote for Governor Gray Davis. Wow, California politics sure are interesting... I mean to observe from afar; I sure as hell wouldn't want to live there. Anyway, I think it's weird to try and recall Davis just after reelecting him, so I'm going to offer some tips to help him stay in office.

TOP TEN WAYS GRAY DAVIS CAN AVOID GETTING RECALLED

10. Mention day of vote only once and hope people forget recall.

9. Wear glasses. Voters wouldn't recall a man with glasses.

8. Sincerely promise to be a really good governor from now on.

7. Use dark sorcery to make multiple images of himself. "You can recall one of us, but will you recall the right one? Muh ha ha ha!"

6. Make commemorative license plates saying, "California: Worst Governor Ever". Those would be just silly if they recalled Gray Davis.

5. Trick Arnold Schwarzenegger to crawl through a hydraulic press.

4. Put vicious monkeys at all polling places to attack anyone who votes for a recall. "Yes, attack, my pretties, attack! Muh ha ha ha!"

3. Having already sold his soul to the devil to win reelection, he could try and blackmail Jesus.

2. Have annoying Hollywood liberals all come together to a conference show their support for Davis. Then, lock the building and burn it down as sacrifice to voters.

And the number one way Gray Davis can avoid getting recalled...

Run away.

Rating: 2.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (20)
July 23, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:01 PM | Email This

Bill Whittle mad! Bill Whittle smash!

Annika is beautiful, and she knows her movies. I couldn't agree with her more.

Cute.

A story about how Ronald Reagan beat the Soviets which includes a plug for my shirt... now that a good post!

You've probably heard about the Berkeley study about how conservatives are crazy, well Banagor analyzes what makes a liberal.

Out Side the Beltway is having a caption contest. At least it's at both me and the Enemy's expenses.

hln fisks someone who has an irrational fear of cyclists. Wow, even right-wingers can be nutty sometimes. Who'd a thunk?

The Carnival of the Vanities is up.

* * * *

I don't always have a lot of time each day to peruse the blogosphere, so don't be afraid to send me a link to one of your posts if you think it's especially worthy. Just don't bug me too often (try to keep e-mails to once a week) or get too upset if I don't use it.

Rating: 2.6/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Round 2 Over
Posted by Frank J. at 08:37 PM | Email This

The poll is closed.

Damn this was a close one. 239 votes total.

The question was: Describe how bombing Paris will help Uganda's economy.

And the winning answer is: Answer 1, written by Serenity of Serenity's Journal. It got 64 votes (27%).

A loud cheer will erupt, "Paris is burning!" and millions of people will race to the streets all over the world to party. The next morning, gallons upon gallons of Uganda coffee and tons of Uganda sugar will be needed to revitalize everyone. This process will be repeated for years as there is no such thing as, "Celebrating too much after Paris falls." While everyone is happy and drunk, a contest will emerge to rename the, "Paris Club debt relief" and all proceeds will go to Uganda. This will be cause for another great celebration and the festivities will continue for another 100 years.

Answer 2 was written by Pink Zebra of Experimenting with Mental Exhibitionism. It got 54 votes (23%).

Since coffee is Uganda's main export, bombing Paris would cause a decrease in demand for the coffee it imports from India, repackages and sells to Vietnamese restaurants in the United States where it is brewed and mixed with sweetened, condensed milk to make Vietnamese coffee. The resulting destabilization of the global coffee market, the world's second-most widely traded commodity, would inevitably work to Uganda's economic favor as soon as Donald Rumsfield finds out that Vietnam (the world's second largest exporter of coffee) STILL hasn't been blown off the map yet. Uganda's only rival in dominating the world coffee market would then be, Brazil, currently the number one exporter of coffee and also a country which not only blatantly harbors monkeys but continues to discover new species of them within its own borders. Clearly, something will be done about Brazil before Uganda's economy completely implodes.

Answer 3 was written by Wince of Wince and Nod. It got 15 votes (6%).

Drunk with ambition and crazed by syphilis, Idi Amin decided that the path to riches and world power would be for Uganda to surpass France as the greatest wine producer. By kidnapping the greatest French grape growers, Idi was able to make Ugandan vineyards the envy of Africa. Foreseeing his own downfall and eventual demise, Amin had long ago arranged a secret cloning project. Now his clone is poised to bring their plot to fruition by bombing Paris, making Entebbe the wine-making capital of the world.

Answer 4 was written by Nephi of The Stormin' Mormon. It got 39 votes (16%).

Bombing Paris would ideally result in the elimination of the French Government. As such, French farms would no longer be subsidized, allowing Ugandan goods to be more competitive. France's clout in the EU would also be destroyed, paving the way for removal of importation bans on Genetically Modified Foods making genetic modification a profitable investment for Uganda. As Ugandan scientists exploit their new freedom they will develop superior strains of mutant celery capable of intimidating neighbors into paying tribute. Sadly, these mutant vegitables may not be able to conquer France itself, as the French Army may suddenly become competent with the removal of the government.

Answer 5 was written by Dave of The Wise Man Says. It got 10 votes (4%).

Bombing Paris will create thousands of jobs in the cleaning up of the residue and ashes (and blood and guts, and the slaughter of any remaining bad French people, which will be all of them because we will convince the good ones to immigrate to the US or to Britain before we bomb them). We will hire Ugandans to do this, thus pumping millions into their economy.

Answer 6 was written by Tiger of Tiger: Raggin' & Rantin'. It got 57 votes (24%).

I suspect that if we flew over Paris and shoved a million Ugandans out of airplanes, the economy of Uganda would immediately improve. Paris would be a bloody mess.

I'm almost ashamed to admit that was the one I voted for. It almost won, too, but, so far, I still keep the tradition of never voting for the winner in one of my polls.

Congratulations again to Serenity of Serenity's Journal who joins Tom Bridge of Adventures in Trouble Shooting as a finalist.

New poll tomorrow of Group C and the questions for Group D.

Rating: 1.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Permalink Contest
Frank Answers: Help for a Libertarian, Laughing at Death, and the Year of the Monkey
Posted by Frank J. at 01:04 PM | Email This

Bryan Smith from Somewhere East of Hell, Virginia writes:
The quiz at http://www.theadvocates.org/quiz.html identified me as a
"Libertarian" even though I've always thought of myself as a republican. Do
you know of any support groups that may be able to help me out?

Sorry, I don't know of any support groups, but I can give you some advice to help out. Take two positions that seem contradictory - like saying you hate the nanny state which prevent people from buying cigarettes and guns but want marijuana to be illegal because you hate hippies - and, when someone calls you on being inconsistent, reply, "I don't give a rat's ass." Don't fall for that false god of consistency, or there may be no help for you and you'll find yourself supporting canidates who don't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting elected and are blue in color.


Diane from Basara, Iraq writes:
Please help, as I'm not sure if I should seek counseling. After watching the
confirmation that Saddam's spawn were both dead, I didn't turn off the
television. I left it on so I could hear over and over and over again that
we had killed them and laugh almost hysterically each time. Is there
something wrong with me?

No, reacting to the deaths of these two (as Buck would say) extra foreign people is perfectly natural. Me, I did a happy dance upon hearing the news. Who needs help are the few people who hate God, man, and America, and gnash their teeth at good news about the war. Give them two whacks with a Cluebat™ and call me in the morning.


Steve the Marine in Hawaii asks:
What is your stance on people born on the year of the monkey? Inherently evil, is there any hope?

I don't believe in those silly superstitions, but, to be on the safe side, I would watch any person born in the year of monkey with deep suspicion. Whenever they near, keep your hand near your gun and your eyes on them at all times. And, try to delay pregnancies to make sure a child is not born in such a year. That may be harsh for a pregnant woman, but I don't care because I'm a man.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 1.9/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Frank Answers
Reminder
Posted by Frank J. at 09:07 AM | Email This

It's a real close race for Group B right now, so don't forget to vote. The poll will close tonight (as well as Group C answers being due then).

Rating: 2.7/5 (5 votes cast)

In My World: Buck Goes to Liberia
Posted by Frank J. at 09:05 AM | Email This

"Good news, Buck; you're going to Liberia," Rumsfeld announced.

"Time for for'ner kill'n! Ooh-rah!" Buck exclaimed, "So I'm one of the thousands of Marines going over there."

"Yeah, about that," Rumsfled said, his expression getting serious, "We told the U.N. we were going to send thousands, but we're too busy in the Middle East to dedicate that many Marines there. So, we're just sending you. I'm sure you can handle it."

"Well, who am I supposed to kill?"

"I dunno; I honestly haven't been following the news about Liberia. Mad Arab, you know who Buck is supposed to kill."

"Yeah, it's simple," General John Abizaid said, "Just find some crowded area, stand up on a platform where everyone can see you, and yell, 'Hey! Look at me! I'm an American!' while waving your arms in the air. Whoever shoots at you, they're the bad foreigners. Kill them."

Buck thought about that. "Sounds simple."

"And if you see President Charles Taylor," Gen. Abizaid continued, "Tell him he's an ass and he should get out of office."

"I think I can remember that."

"There's also the U.N. there."

"Should I kill them too?"

Rumsfeld and Gen. Abizaid thought about this for a while. "Nah, they might be useful," Rumsfeld finally said, "Just kill any foreigners that looks evil. And you can take Chomps with you; he could use the exercise." Rumsfeld looked to Chomps who was lying on the ground asleep. "Hey, Chomps, what do you think of foreigners?"

Chomps sprung to his feet growling and randomly snapping at the air. Chomps did like foreigners.

"That's my boy."

* * * *

Chomps kept violently attacking the dirt, clawing at it with his feet and the biting the ground while growling. He hated foreign soil.

"I know how you feel, Chomps, but we have to keep our mind on the mission. They're are lots of foreign people out there who need a kill'n, and it ain't going to happen without our help."

Buck ventured into the nearby town where many citizens watched. "Hello, I'm Buck the Marine, from America. I've come to help some of you for'ners and kill others. If you are a for'ner I'm supposed to kill, please signal by attacking me violently."

Most of the people just stared at them, but then some gunfire erupted and everyone fled the streets. Buck rolled for cover and returned fire at the one building it was coming from. Chomps ran towards the building and attacked his foundation, and soon the whole building collapsed.

"We're supposed to be avoiding collateral damage, Chomps," Buck scolded him.

Chomps just spat out a piece of cement.

Walking a little further into town, Buck soon caught glimpse of a tank. He knocked on its side. "Hello! Anybody in there?"

"Yes," answered a voice, "We're the U.N. We're observing."

"But there's people get'n killed out there," Buck protested, "Shouldn't you help them."

"No," answered the voice, "It's nice and safe inside this tank. If we were to come out and help people or do anything useful, we'd be going against everything the U.N. stands for."

"Crazy for'ners," Buck muttered, "How can you watch evil happening and not want to kill bad people. I just don'ts understand it, right, Chomps?" Buck looked to his side, and saw Chomps wasn't there. Instead, Chomps was on top of the tank tearing off the hatch with his teeth. He then jumped down into the tank and there was a lot of screaming. Soon Chomps emerged again, sporting a big, slobbery smile and a blue helmet.

"Silly dog," Buck laughed, "Now take off that helmet." Buck reached for it, but Chomps started growling. "Fine; keep it. You can be the U.N. representative. Now where do we go next?"

Buck surveyed the area, and then noticed a dark street from which a chilled wind of foreignness blew down. He readied his rifle and prepared to embark. "Now let's start kill'n for'ners until the for'ners we haven't killed look happy. Ooh-rah!"

TO BE CONTINUED...
(i.e. do to poor planning, I didn't set aside enough time to write a full story)

Rating: 3.0/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (17) | In My World
July 22, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:43 PM | Email This

Five more days left in the blogathon. Please go to either Michele, Meryl Yourish, or Laurence Simon and donate. They're going to blog 24 hours straight in hopes to make enough money for a new ambulance to help out in Israel, and they need your support.

Rachel Lucas at her purest and angriest. A beautiful thing.

Some accuse John Hawkins of being sexist! I think the list of greatest figures was a good list, and, though no women were on it, each guy was given birth to by a woman at least. So women are involved in history; I mean, what do they want? Recognition?

I misspelled my name once in Wizbang's comments. I get it. Ha ha. Now move on.

NOW!

RARR!

Now here is flattery.

A really great observation from jfielek.

I've now added the video of me doing aikido to the Peace Gallery. Now send me more pictures! More!

* * * *

I don't always have a lot of time each day to peruse the blogosphere, so don't be afraid to send me a link to one of your posts if you think it's especially worthy. Just don't bug me too often (try to keep e-mails to once a week) or get too upset if I don't use it.

Rating: 2.6/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Poll (You Vote Now!) and Questions for Group C (You Answer Now!)
Posted by Frank J. at 08:01 PM | Email This

Time to meet Group B.

Meet the Bloggers

Wince and Nod
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Wince And Nod, or Wince for short.
* How long have you been blogging? Since Saturday, June 14, 2003, at 3:42 PM
* Description of Site: Slightly right of center with some reflections on life. I hope my site will be a safe place for liberals and conservatives to discuss
their views, but first they have to actually visit.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: IMAO is the funniest site on the web. Even funnier than the Engrish site. In My World is a stitch. Plus you can read my review.
* What's your favorite movie? A River Runs Through It
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Ned Flanders, because I wear glasses, I'm usually a nice guy and I usually don't cuss. (Nobody is as good as Ned Flanders.)

Tiger: Raggin' & Rantin'
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Tiger [Duh!]
* How long have you been blogging? since 4/4/03
* Description of Site: A place where you can see my inane thoughts and some other stuff
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: Frank is not a liberal assclown or a puppy blender, but uses those terms quite freely. Buck the Marine should do something about liberal assclowns who blend puppies. Frank has threatened to do me harm if I didn't compete in this contest. My favorite post is this one, I guess.
* What's your favorite movie? Tank Girl, I mean cute girls, power mad utility companies and Kangaroos, what more could you expect from a movie?
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Although I have previously stated: It seems there is some part of me that has always wondered what it would be like to be Maggie Simpson's pacifier, that was meant in jest. I guess if I was to identify with one, it would have to be Lenny, because I am usually in the background and no one notices me.

The Stormin' Mormon
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Nephi
* How long have you been blogging? Exactly 4 months
* Description of Site: My views of life, politics, and whatever I find interesting. More structure to come!
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: In My World: Whitehouse Hopes Democrats Don't Flee to Canada (wink wink). Karl Rove is awesome!
* What's your favorite movie? Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? The Comic Book Store Guy

The Wise Man Says
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Dave
* How long have you been blogging? Umm... about 3 months.
* Description of site: It gives my conservative opinion on anything and everything I want to talk about.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: You know how Jesus sits at the right hand of God? Frank J sits at the right hand of Jesus. How's that for praise? Oh, and praising IMAO - well, anything that Frank J writes is, by the above definition, at least semi-divine. Therefore, IMAO is semi-divine or better. My favorite post? Gotta be an IMW.... Blood is Also Symbolic of Blood. That one's pretty good. Especially the last line.
* What's your favorite movie? Geez, you're going to make me pick one? Um, okay... don't rush me... The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Obviously, France is the Ugly. [Ed. That's my favorite!]
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Either Groundskeeper Willie, or Professor Frink. Depends on if I identify with my Scots side, or my Geek side.

Experimenting with Mental Exhibitionism
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Pink Zebra
* How long have you been blogging? Almost a year.
* Description of site: It's an experiment in progress.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: Frank J. is funny in the same way that murderers are scary. I mean that in a good way.
*What's your favorite movie? This is Spinal Tap
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Ummm, I don't have a television so I don't watch the Simpsons, but this quiz says I'm most like some character named Professor Frink.

Serenity's Journal
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Serenity
* How long have you been blogging? 3.5 months
* Description of site: It's gray and purple and has lots of words strung together and flung upon it.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: Frank J is jolly jack splendid. Favorite post is the, "I hate Michael Moore" entry.
* What's your favorite movie? I don't have a favorite but will give examples of movies I really like: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Blazing Saddles, and Monty Python-Search for the Holy Grail.
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Bart

Oridnary Galoot did not get answers in on time.

Here are their repsonses to the question in random order (revealing who wrote which is means for disqualification):

QUESTION: Describe how bombing Paris will help Uganda's economy.

ANSWER 1: A loud cheer will erupt, "Paris is burning!" and millions of people will race to the streets all over the world to party. The next morning, gallons upon gallons of Uganda coffee and tons of Uganda sugar will be needed to revitalize everyone. This process will be repeated for years as there is no such thing as, "Celebrating too much after Paris falls." While everyone is happy and drunk, a contest will emerge to rename the, "Paris Club debt relief" and all proceeds will go to Uganda. This will be cause for another great celebration and the festivities will continue for another 100 years.

ANSWER 2: Since coffee is Uganda's main export, bombing Paris would cause a decrease in demand for the coffee it imports from India, repackages and sells to Vietnamese restaurants in the United States where it is brewed and mixed with sweetened, condensed milk to make Vietnamese coffee. The resulting destabilization of the global coffee market, the world's second-most widely traded commodity, would inevitably work to Uganda's economic favor as soon as Donald Rumsfield finds out that Vietnam (the world's second largest exporter of coffee) STILL hasn't been blown off the map yet. Uganda's only rival in dominating the world coffee market would then be, Brazil, currently the number one exporter of coffee and also a country which not only blatantly harbors monkeys but continues to discover new species of them within its own borders. Clearly, something will be done about Brazil before Uganda's economy completely implodes.

ANSWER 3: Drunk with ambition and crazed by syphilis, Idi Amin decided that the path to riches and world power would be for Uganda to surpass France as the greatest wine producer. By kidnapping the greatest French grape growers, Idi was able to make Ugandan vineyards the envy of Africa. Foreseeing his own downfall and eventual demise, Amin had long ago arranged a secret cloning project. Now his clone is poised to bring their plot to fruition by bombing Paris, making Entebbe the wine-making capital of the world.

ANSWER 4: Bombing Paris would ideally result in the elimination of the French Government. As such, French farms would no longer be subsidized, allowing Ugandan goods to be more competitive. France's clout in the EU would also be destroyed, paving the way for removal of importation bans on Genetically Modified Foods making genetic modification a profitable investment for Uganda. As Ugandan scientists exploit their new freedom they will develop superior strains of mutant celery capable of intimidating neighbors into paying tribute. Sadly, these mutant vegitables may not be able to conquer France itself, as the French Army may suddenly become competent with the removal of the government.

ANSWER 5: Bombing Paris will create thousands of jobs in the cleaning up of the residue and ashes (and blood and guts, and the slaughter of any remaining bad French people, which will be all of them because we will convince the good ones to immigrate to the US or to Britain before we bomb them). We will hire Ugandans to do this, thus pumping millions into their economy.

ANSWER 6: I suspect that if we flew over Paris and shoved a million Ugandans out of airplanes, the economy of Uganda would immediately improve. Paris would be a bloody mess.

There are the answers.

PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!

POLL CLOSED (results here)

Poll closes 24 hours (or so) after the time of this post.

And now, next round of questions! (you must have entered previously and be listed in the proper group to participate)

GROUP C QUESTIONS:

What is the name of your site?
What is your preferred name as a blogger?
How long have you been blogging?
Give a brief description of your site.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
What's your favorite movie?
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?

SHORT ANSWER QUESTION: In 200 words or less, name your least favorite species of monkey and explain why you dislike that monkey.

Answers are due to me within 24 hours of this post. Godspeed.

Rating: 1.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Permalink Contest
Peace Gallery Upate
Posted by Frank J. at 07:02 PM | Email This

Odai and Qusai are dead, and no U.S. fatalities in the fire fight! It's time to celebrate! How better than a big update to the Peace Gallery?

We have four more personal pages, including an armed babe, a man with my favorite weapons of mass destruction, a heavily armed parrot, and the most lovely woman in the blogosphere, Rachel Lucas. Plus, there are three more entries for Chomps. None are wearing the shirt, but, if you get a look at them, you can see why no one tried to put one on them.

I'll have another update later tonight with the video of me doing an aikido throw, but I first want to get my poll up and the questions for Group C.

UPDATE: The video is now added. Now get me more pictures!

Rating: 2.8/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Instapundo Delenda Est: Admiration for the Enemy
Posted by Frank J. at 02:06 PM | Email This

My website keeps going down; probably the work of the puppy blender. It seems to have to do with SQL thingamajig, and, if anyone has some advice, I would appreciate it.

I have to admire the Enemy's subtlety; I missed this item yesterday. Yet again he links to something for the sole purpose of defaming me without actually mentioning me. He has style, I'll give him that.

As for Chaos Overlord, he won himself his first Instalanche and a place on my enemies list.

Enemies List:
Instapundit
Wizbang
Chaos Central

This further taunting does not hasten my plans, though. This next strike will take patience and timing.

Patience...

UPDATE: Now's he's linked to this post to show solidarity with Howard Dean and to make this post look idiotic. For those of you who have missed the history of Glenn Reynold's attacks on me and his evil, click here.

Rating: 1.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Jennifer Answers: Plastic Explosives and He-Man
Frank Answers: The Breast Way to Get Ahead
Posted by Frank J. at 12:12 PM | Email This

Jennifer said that she loved Frank Answers™ and was wondering if a guest blogger could fill in while I'm busy. Be careful what you wish for. Maybe I'll have some other guess bloggers help me out later.

Jennifer Answers

Red Mist, Certified Flight Instructor, Computer Support, Airsoft/Firearms Enthsiast, from Grand Forks, ND writes:
Why is C4 called "plastic explosives"? Or is it pronounced "pla-steek"? Doh,
that sounds like a French word. I mean, in the movies (haha) it always looks
like a silly puddy-like substance that can be molded into different shapes.
Plastic isn't squishy like that! Why not call it "puddy explosives"?

Luckily, ordnance is my true area of expertise. First of all, you don't
need to worry about C4 being some Frenchy firecracker...it is mostly made in
the good ol' U.S. of A. Therefore it goes without saying that it is an
extremely powerful explosive. Another benefit is its remarkable stability,
so you don't need to concern yourself that it will go off at an inopportune
moment. C4 is primarily a military explosive, requires a detonator, and has
a soft, dough-like texture. Best of all, a little bit will go a long
way--your wallet will like that!

But hey, you didn't ask for a sales pitch here. You want to know why it's
called "plastic" rather than "puddy" explosives. I assume you mean "putty,"
which will make my answer easier. Basically, you can blame Ralph Nader for
the whole thing. Back in the 60s there was concern that labeling explosives
with the word "putty" would confuse children. There they'd be at
Woolworth's thinking a box of putty explosives was a whole ton of Silly
Putty fun. The next thing you know, there are kid-bits all over the place.
I call it "thinning the herd," but Mr. Nader called it "dangerous." So he
got on his consumer-protection high horse and raised a stink. Lawmakers
agreed, and we needed a nice, generic, not-fun word to use. "Plastic" it
was.


hlh from Detroit, Delaware asks:
Why is it "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe"? Who are the Masters of the Universe, and why is He-Man excluded from sharing the umbrella of their title?

I never watched He-Man. It was the 80s and I had better things to do...like
watch MTV and tease my hair until it was a foot high. My brother was
Skeletor for Halloween one year, though, so I picked up a little bit.

I think you could say the Masters of the Universe were kind of He-Man's
Cabinet. They included his sidekicks, allies, and girlfriend. To help you
understand this analogy, I will list some of the characters and their human
counterparts:

He-Man (He-Man) = President Bush
Teela (He-Man's girlfriend) = Laura Bush
She-Ra (He-Man's kick-ass sister)= Condi Rice
Orko (He-Man's goofy sidekick) = Dick Cheney
Battle Cat (He-Man's tiger, duh) = Donald Rumsfeld
Skeletor (He-Man's nemesis) = Helen Thomas

I hope that was helpful. Like I said, I never watched that show.


Frank Answers

Susie from East Orange, Moldavia asks:
If I send you a picture of my breasts, can I skip the "short essay" part of the
contest?

I'd have to see the picture first (and it should be tastefully done) before I can answer that. But won't you feel you've lost something by skipping the mental challenge of the Frank short answer question? You could always try both, anyway :)

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 1.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Frank Answers
Updates Later
Posted by Frank J. at 08:25 AM | Email This

It's doubtful I'll have time for Frank Answers™ today, but, I have all the answers for Group B in and the poll will go up tonight as well as the questions for Group C (here's the original list if anyone has forgot where they stand). Plus, I plan on getting the Peace Gallery updated as well, hopefully including that video of me doing aikido. See y'all later; I have some mind-numbing work to do.

Rating: 3.2/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (3)
If I Were President: Address to the Democrats on the Subject of the Veracity of Statements from the State of the Union
Posted by Frank J. at 08:20 AM | Email This

Sixteen f**king words, and I swear to God I'll beat anyone like a rented mule who mentions it again. You Democrats are so goddamn useless I can't believe it. We're trying to fight terrorists over here, and you s**ts are just blindly groping for something to whine about. We're trying to do serious work over here, and all you are is in the way. So, know what? Get the hell out. Yeah, that right, flee to Canada or France or something, you weenies. I know America is supposed to be open to all people, but I don't think the founding father ever envisioned their country having this many whiny bitches.

We defeat an evil dictator, free oppressed people, and make the world a safer place, and your response is to focus on one statement that could or could not be true and had nothing to do with the vote to war that had happened months earlier. My God, are you people useless. And you might actually have Howard Dean as you candidate against me, you f**king nutjobs.

Know what? In the middle of planning my next move to make the word safer, I'm also going to shove a new tax cut down your throats called the "Only For the Super Rich" tax cut, which, for once, will be just a tax cut only for the rich like you always bitch about. And I'm just going to do it to because you impotent f**ks can't stop me. And I'm going to keep doing things like that until you weasels finally just pack up and leave. There are terrorists out there - bad people breathing air like you and me - and it's a disgrace and I want to end it. But it's pretty damn hard when I have to deal with all this piddling crap from you jackasses. For pete's sake, why don't you just go the extra mile and join al Qaeda, for as much use as you are to our nation’s security. Hell, you could bog them down; you might actually be finally doing the country a service.

But no, you're going to stay here and gripe about sixteen words because that is all the f**k you partisan s**ts have. Well, guess what? I got another sixteen words for you: F**k you and the horses you rode in on, you c**ksucking, mother f**king pieces of s**t.

Thank you, and God bless.

Rating: 1.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (45) | If I Were President
July 21, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:28 PM | Email This

Been real busy at work, so Frank Answers™ is probably going to be on hiatus until I can get some free time at lunch. Also, I plan on updating the Peace Gallery tomorrow night, so, if anyone is sitting on some pictures, send them in now.

At Right Wing News, bloggers selected the 20 greatest figures in American history, and I helped pick them. One day, I'll be on that list.

Ian S. points out that the Enemy is close. Unfortunately, he can't be harmed by weapons of mortal man.

The Americans we never liked anyway are fleeing to Canada. Hooray!

It's hard to suck up to me anymore than this. Maybe I should have a suck up to Frank J. contest.

Eric Sheie wants an end to the madness, but the madness is all I got!

Frank of On the Fritz has found the worst of spam. Eww...

What's the Light Party? I dunno, but Chris rips 'em apart.

Robert Prather comments more on the "Bush has lied" meme (God, I hate that word). I may have more comments on that one myself. I'll see how angry I am in the morning...

"Why do I blog?" A good question for many. Ego-Daily tries to answer.

Wow, and Gil Shterzer found Saddam Hussein!

Reminder: Answers for Group B are due early tomorrow morning, and so far I only have four of seven (I know one may not get his in because of a vacation, but I don't know of excuses for the other two). You have to play to win.

* * * *

I don't always have a lot of time each day to peruse the blogosphere, so don't be afraid to send me a link to one of your posts if you think it's especially worthy. Just don't bug me too often (try to keep e-mails to once a week) or get too upset if I don't use it.

Rating: 1.0/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Round 1 Over (Group B Answer Questions Now!)
Posted by Frank J. at 07:32 AM | Email This

The poll is closed!

Sorry I accidentally reset the voting Friday by fixing a grammar error in the poll, but it wouldn't have changed the winner if those votes were included. Total votes were 189.

The question was: Describe a situation or crisis in which Aquaman would be a great superhero.

And the winning answer is: Answer 1, written by Tom Bridge of Adventures in Trouble Shooting. It got 63 votes (33%).

Seeing as Aquaman is a pretty enormous pansy, I think it would have to involve the French sinking Bikini Atoll into the Pacific, and Aquaman whipping their asses like so many rented mules. Since, well, even Aquaman could whup the French, and they'd just surrender anyway, I'm not even sure that qualifies Aquaman as a superhero, since it requires that he only fight the French. So I guess there isn't a situation where Aquaman is a superhero.

Answer 2, written by Dana of Note-It Posts got 29 votes (15%).

Geeez, Frank, I mean, don't make it too EASY for us or anything. (yes, that's sarcasm) Hmmm..... ok... here's my answer: Saddam Hussein has hidden his weapons of mass destruction in leaky oil barrels up and down the lengths of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. Because of his amazing power to communicate with sea animals, Aquaman discovers the locations of these barrels and relays them to Allied Central Command. Not only has Aquaman managed to clear up the mystery surrounding these materials, he has single-webbed-handedly arranged the cleanup of the resultant water pollution. He does so employing the amazing filtering capabilities of a species of jellyfish known to no one else except (dun-dun-DUNNNNN) Aquaman!!!

Answer 3, written by Dave of Proveritate got 32 votes (17%).

Aquaman should be living in the Asian country of Bangladesh. If you read the factbook it says this about Bangladesh's natural hazards, "much of the country routinely flooded during the summer monsoon season." Aquaman would have his very own season as the monsoons and the Indian Ocean drown the country. Plus he'd save hundreds in a single day since Bangladesh has a tendency to pack 600 plus people on a ferry which then promptly capsizes. Bangladesh is the perfect place for Aquaman to show off his superhero skills.

Answer 4, written by hln of Angelweave got 17 votes (9%).

Aquaman can best excel by using his powers to make
money (and, of course, spend money to stimulate the
economy, but we'll not cover that here). Here are some of the ways Aquaman could render service. He'll never starve! He'll never be bored in a job!
1) Head Trainer at Sea World
2) Dunk-Tank Demonstrator/Salesman
3) Navy Seal
4) Professor of Underwater Basket Weaving
5) Olympic Athlete, distance events (Money comes from later endorsements)
6) Water-based security guard for Sealand
(http://www.sealandgov.com)
7) Geological Consultant - photographing the Marianas Trench
8) Working for Greenpeace - thwarting longline swordfish operations
9) Titanic artifact recovery
10) Reporter for Siren (http://www.siren.sut.org.uk/main.htm)
And, to keep himself on the positive side of the ever-scrutinizing public eye, Aquaman's community service of note would be to summon all of the still-living starfish lying on the beach back into the ocean. If that's not enough, he could make public appearances to unbeach whales.

Answer 5, written by LACAstronomer of ThisSide got 48 votes (25%).

When you're fighting the French. Underwater.

Personally, that was my favorite. I give everyone 200 words, and he only used six; that takes courage.

Anyway, congratulation to Tom Bridge. He is now a finalist.

On to next round!

GROUP B QUESTIONS:

What is the name of your site?
What is your preferred name as a blogger?
How long have you been blogging?
Give a brief description of your site.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
What's your favorite movie?
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?

SHORT ANSWER QUESTION: In 200 words or less, describe how bombing Paris will help Uganda's economy.

You have 24 hours from this posting to get your answers e-mailed to me, Group B. And remember, you can't reveal to anyone your answer to the short answer question. Godspeed.

And, remember, don't be a playa hater; be a Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One™ participator!

Rating: 1.7/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Permalink Contest
In My World: First Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:28 AM | Email This

"Hey, Ari, you grew fatter and got some hair. Not sure if I like it."

"Actually, Ari Fleischer left, Mr. President," Scott McClellan told Bush, "I'm your new White House Press Secretary, Scott McClellan."

"Oh yeah," Bush said, slapping his forehead, "Anyway, I'm going to give you a nickname so we'll all feel like friends. Your nickname will be... uh... Ari."

"Uh, okay," Scott answered dubiously.

"Anyway, Ari, I don't know if you've heard about it yet, but apparently my two daughters have run off with their cousin Noelle - always told them to stay away from her - and, fueled by crack, they're driving cross country robbing every liquor store they see."

Scott looked concerned. "No, I hadn't heard that."

"Yeah, well, you'll have to come up with some good spin for that that makes me look good."

"A good spin on drug use and robbery?"

Bush patted him on the back. "You're a professional; you'll think of something. I bet those cops had it coming."

"Cops..."

"Anyway, on to Iraq."

"Yeah, I know the administration position for that," Scott said confidentially, "We'll be able to help them get on their feet with their oil reserves..."

"Hold on a bit there," Bush interrupted, "You know how all those stupid hippy protestors were saying all we wanted to do was steal Iraq's oil? Well, we never had any such intention, but, once we actually got in Iraq, we thought about it and was like, 'Hey, why not?' So play down the whole 'Iraq has oil' angle, because we don't want people to be too surprised when it ends up there is none."

"You're stealing their oil!" Scott exclaimed.

Bush rolled his eyes. "And that's how you don't want to put it."

"I don't know if stealing Iraq's oil is such a good idea," Scott said, "We already avoided disaster when we found out the Iraq’s museums weren't actually looted."

"We were glad to hear that too," Bush answered, "because we always planned to steal those artifacts for ourselves."

"You're taking Iraq's treasures?" Scott exclaimed.

"And their women... the young attractive ones, at least," Bush chuckled, "Anyway, maybe you can relate our stealing to Jenna's, Barbara's, and Noelle's robberies - except ours will involve less gunplay. Just a suggestion. Now go out to the press and put a good spin on everything while I go play some X-box."

Scott just stood there speechless as the president walked off.

* * * *

"Hello, everyone, I'm Scott McClellan, the new White House Press Secretary. It's my first day, so go easy on me." He chuckled a bit, trying to hide his nervousness.

"Why does Bush want to kill the Freedonian children?" Helen Thomas asked, "What did the Freedonia children ever do to Bush?"

Scott looked confused. "I don't think there are such things as Freedonian children."

"That's because Bush killed them all!"

Scott looked around the reporters. "Is someone supposed to be watching this woman?"

"Hello, I'm Melinda Hawkish from Fox News Channel, the foxiest news around..."

"I'm sorry, what?" Scott interrupted.

Melinda looked a bit peeved. "It's the new tagline; the producers made me say it. Anyway, my question is about North Korea and Iran: when will we annihilate them?"

"We don't plan to annihilate anyone," Scott laughed, "There is a diplomatic solution..."

"There is a diplomatic solution," Melinda repeated in a mocking tone, "Doesn't the president know we pay tax money and want more dead foreigners as a result?"

"Now that's just being childish," Scott said, taken aback.

"Are you going to cry, tubby?" Melinda asked mockingly.

"Someone else have a question?" Scott demanded angrily.

"I do," said another reporter, "I heard that just this morning a soldier in Iraq fell off a tank and broke his leg. Will the Bush administration finally admit the situation has turned into a Vietnam-like quagmire?"

Scott looked befuddled, but then he started laughing. "Oh, I get it now," he announced, "This is some joke they play on the new guy."

The reporter appeared confused.

"Oh my God; you're serious," Scott sighed.

"I've heard reports about the Bush daughters going on a drug-fueled spree of liquor store robberies," said yet another reporter, "Do you have any comments on that?"

"Yes," Scott answered, "The White House applauds Jenna's, Barbara's, and Noelle's striking out against liquor stores in an attempt to curb underage drinking. Any other questions?"

"How can you say that with a straight face?"

"I practiced for a while in front of the mirror. Next question."

Suddenly a Mercedes crashed through the pressroom wall. Looking out the window was President Bush wearing a racing helmet. "Hey, Ari, I just stole Daschle’s car and am going to go enter in a demolition derby," Bush told Scott, "Try to put a good spin on that." He then backed the car back out the hole in the wall and drove off.

Scott stood at the podium in stunned silence.

Finally a reporter broke the quiet. "So why did Bush kill the Freedonians?"

Rating: 1.9/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (19) | In My World
July 20, 2003
Links of the Day (plus some ranting, both in and out of character)
Posted by Frank J. at 05:57 PM | Email This

No more hot teacher/student sex!

Bloginator has no shame, and neither do I.

Banagor has a lengthy analysis of my Nuke the Moon essay. Sure I meant it seriously.

Kids sound awful (look for "Three Days to Vacation"). When I have kids one day, I hope they'll have some sort of drug to make them behave. Otherwise, I'll have to make one myself.

Now for ranting.

Some people seem to have trouble understanding the intent of this site (and you better watch yourself, Wind Rider, or the next "exploitive spectacle" will be to replace you on the blogroll :). Just to be clear, no, I do not hate Glenn Reynolds. He runs a great site. Sure, I wish he would link to me more often, but I'm probably just not his cup of tea, and that's okay. Still, I find it funny ranting against him because it's mainly one sided. If he starts to pay me too much attention, it will ruin the fun.

As for the the permalink contest, I thought only a few people were going to want to play, but instead I got 39. I thought about randomly selecting a few, but I thought that wasn't fair. Instead, I came up with this drawn out idea so that each blog has a chance in the spotlight, making the focus the contest and not the prize. It's not like this is easy work for me people, but some have to complain.

"Boo-hoo! Describing my blog and answering one question is too hard! Waa! I just want my bottle!"

I'm sorry, okay! I just wanted to let everyone have a chance to gets some links to their site, but I guess that was wrong of me. Why don't you just nail me to a cross, already!

Sorry, I just spent this whole weekend in the office, and Frank is tired and cranky. Anyway, to prove I can still arbitrarily add people to my blogroll if I feel like it, I've now added The Truth Laid Bear since I'm always using his ecosystem to confirm my own vanity. I've also added Wizbang, as one should keep their friends close, and their enemies closer (plus, he is technically now one of my biggest referrers).

Reminder, for those who are still in the game, the current poll close tomorrow morning as I also hand out the new short answer question for Group B. You can't win if you don't play. Also, as always, there will be my regular weekday morning humor post (In My World™ on Mondays and Wednesdays, as always) in addition to the contest posting.

Also, for those who really do want to take me down a notch, you’ll have that opportunity in the next contest…

* * * *

I don't always have a lot of time each day to peruse the blogosphere, so don't be afraid to send me a link to one of your posts if you think it's especially worthy. Just don't bug me too often (try to keep e-mails to once a week) or get too upset if I don't use it.

Rating: 1.3/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Frank Answers: Better Gas Mileage, Foreigner, Michael Moore's Physical Limit, NAACP Apology, and Hippies Plus Monkeys Equals the Destruction of Mankind
Posted by Frank J. at 05:15 PM | Email This

Susie from Joisey asks:
Is it true that you get better mileage when your gas tank is more than half
full, and worse mileage when it's less than half full?

Yes, and there's an extremely simple, scientific explanation for that. Cars are always in constant fear of being discarded to a junkyard, but, when their tanks are full, they are happy and thus drive well. As their tanks reach closer to empty, they get more fearful that this tank of gas will be their last and thus become depressed and drive more poorly.


Renna from Funkytown, U.S.A. writes:
I have tickets to see the rock group Foreigner at a community event next Friday night. I'm concerned that Buck the Marine might show up and try to kill them. How will I know him if I see him and is there anything I can say to dissuade him from killing them?

No, nothing can dissuade Buck from killing; he is a Marine after all. If Foreigner didn't want a kill'n, they should have named themselves "Happy Americans" or "Not a Foreigner".


Tim E. from Xenia, Ohio asks:
Will Michael Moore keep getting fatter, or will eventually he reach a
physical limit and explode?

As Einstein explained, eventually Michael Moore will become so fat that he will not explode, but instead implode, collapsing down upon himself into a black hole, possibly sucking into him any nearby city. I think he's about two burritos and a Big Mac away from that point.


Jason H. from the 3rd Rock from the Sun, Texas sector writes:
Frank, if you were running for president and you happened to miss a
NAACP convention, how many times would you apologize and what would you
say? By the way, Jesse Jackson REALLY wanted you to be there.

Oh, I'd apologize over and over to that racist, uber-partisan group. First, I'd kick down the door to their convention.

"Oops! Sorry!"

Then I'd slam Jesse Jackson's head into the podium.

"Sorry! I'm so clumsy!"

When that Queasy, Fumey guy starts mouthing off, I'd punch him in the gut.

"Sorry! Didn't see you!"

Then I'd tackle Jesse Jackson before he could get away.

"Whoops! Sorry I fell down on you with such momentum."

Hell, I'd apologize until I would go hoarse from it.


Jose from Atlantis writes:
If you have seen 28 Days Later you know that all the trouble is caused by
hippies and monkeys, so my question is: Could hippies and monkeys combining
forces really result in the annihilation of the human race?

I haven't seen 28 days, but I've always been against both hippies and monkeys. Both are filthy, smelly, mindless creatures that should be locked in cages. As for annihilating the human race, I think hippies lack the ambition and intellect for that, but I wouldn't put is past the monkeys.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Frank Answers
Instapundo Delnda Est: A Time to Reflect
Posted by Frank J. at 08:02 AM | Email This

To summarize the past week, in retaliation for the puppy blender's blatant ignoring of my blogiversary, my readers sent out spontaneous hate mail to Glenn Reynolds. He then blatantly didn't link to me again, calling you, my readers, spambots!

I decided to ignore that - no reason to start a war - but then I had an innocent scientific experiment to test out Google. If you google for "puppy blender" + instapundit, Instapundit.com is one of the top hits even though puppy blender only appears in links to him. So, I theorized that if a lot of us linked to Instapundit with one word that is always on his page (liberal) and one that isn't (assclown), he would become the top hit for "liberal assclown".

My best guess is that Glenn Reynolds, using his vast evil powers, got to Google first and made them change their linking rules for him, because it hasn't worked at all. Instead, Glenn Reynolds, with the help of his droog Wizbang, countered with something more insidious. Just go to Google and type in "liberal assclown" and hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button to see what I'm talking about. Glenn Reynolds even changed the permalink to me on his page to point to that, further adding to his policy of not linking to me. (BTW: Anyone who doesn't want to keep the "liberal assclown" link on their page should feel under no obligation to do so)

I must hold back the anger, though, for my enemies are cunning, and thus I must be even more so. It's time for some real plotting. So, now I'll just pull out my copy of Sun-Tzu and...

...there! Got him! I couldn't concentrate with that fly buzzing around. Now let's get to the heart of the matter: analyzing the enemy.

But, before I go on, I think it’s a good idea to first point people to this news article. Anyway...

What I Already Know
* He gets his energy from drinking shakes made by putting a puppy in a blender.
* He either worships hobos and murders Satan or vice versa.
* He is a Commie spy who does the robot dance.
* Once, so drunk with power, he struck me, the beloved Frank J.!
* He is actually a heterosexual.

I did some further investigation on him, though, and found some new facts:

Facts About Glenn Reynolds
* His mother was a jackal.
* His father was Satan... or, at least, a guy named "Stan".
* He was born Glenda Reynolds, but legally changed his name after his sex change operation.
* Was drawn to blogging as a way to selectively control information given to a brainwashed few.
* His primary interest in nanotechnology is using it to infect the human population and control their minds.
* He wants free access to Mars so he can run his evil empire from there.
* He may be a ninja or at least a ninja sympathizer.
* His original site URL was instalinsmemoryiamapundit.com, but he later abbreviated it to instapundit.com so people could remember it easier.
* His goal is to have One Blog to rule them all, One Blog to find them, One Blog to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
* He once grew a long beard to show solidarity with the Taliban, but ended up shaving it because it itched too much.
* He spends all his free time obsessing on how he can destroy and undermine my site.

Likes
* Evil
* Chaos
* Communism
* Monkeys
* The robot dance
* Frenchmen
* The blood of the innocent

Dislikes
* Unblended puppies
* Humanity
* Linking to IMAO
* Jesus
* America

Weaknesses
* Sunlight
* Holy Water
* The biting satire of Frank J.
* A katana wielded by a samurai of true honor
* Chocolate

Also, I guess we should take a look at his flunky, Wizbang.

Facts About Kevin of Wizbang
* Is the illegitimate child of Glenn Reynolds.
* Is controlled by Glenn Reynolds nanotechnology so that he hates all things good and IMAO.
* Kevin is actually an acronym for Kills Elderly Vacationers in Instapundit's Name.

Weaknesses
* Bullets
* Knives
* Having head submerged underwater for long periods of time

So how do I take on the enemy? Do I first attack his weaker lackeys, or do I go for the big man himself and let his limbs whither up and die after the head has been severed?

Oh... I have a plan now...

Muh ha ha ha ha!

Unfortunately, secrecy will be crucial for this one; I have no idea how many more Instapundit loyalists lurk in the darkness. You'll all just have to wait for it. And, Glenn Reynolds, if you are reading - and I know you are - just know that humiliation and defeat is waiting for you.

Instapundo delenda est!


The Enemy

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (32)
July 19, 2003
Po' Tired Frank
Posted by Frank J. at 08:58 PM | Email This

Gotta head into work at 9am again tomorrow, but I'll try to get a post ready for the morning because my evil plotting can't wait. Also, I'll try to do a Frank Answers™ whenever I get home because I have a backlog of some great questions.

I can always relax next weekend...

Rating: 2.0/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (4)
July 18, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:43 PM | Email This

Man, here I sit alone on a Friday night with the fact that I'm going back to work tomorrow (and probably Sunday) hanging over me. At least I have Guinness next to me; he'll never let me down.

Anyway, I've been meaning to link to this for a while. With all apologies to thoseshirts.com, this is the best French bashing shirt ever. Spoons is a genius.

Dana has a report direct from soldiers in Iraq that certainly makes things sound better than we usually hear from the news. I don't know how we'll remember the war, but I'm pretty sure the Iraqis will remember it as a good thing.

I've never read an Aquaman comic (my boss at work is threatening to buy me an Aquaman graphic novel so I'll stop making fun of him), but it seems even the comic book artists can't figure out what to do with him (thanks to reader Phil for sending that in).

It's Friday, so let's go to Technorati...

Brand new blog, and his first post was to give me props. Sounds like a great start to me.

Little A has decided not to bother me about his schedule conflict; good, because I'm heartless. Seriously, though, if you know you can't make your competition time, and least send me answers to all the questions before the short answer as those won't change, and I'll still feature you on your day.

McGehee has made a startling discovery. Who knew?

* * * *

I don't always have a lot of time each day to peruse the blogosphere, so don't be afraid to send me a link to one of your posts if you think it's especially worthy. Just don't bug me too often (try to keep e-mails to once a week) or get too upset if I don't use it.

Rating: 2.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (11)
D'oh
Posted by Frank J. at 01:06 PM | Email This

I forgot to set up some questions for me to answer for Frank Answers™ today, and I had a cache of really good ones that need an answering. I'll probably do an extra long Frank Answers™ this weekend (along with some more evil plotting).

Make sure to vote in the post below. See ya later.

UPDATE: I fixed the vote title from "questions" to "question", and that seemed to have reset the vote. So everyone vote again.

Rating: 2.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Group A Answers (You Vote Now!)
Posted by Frank J. at 08:02 AM | Email This

I've upgraded by account just in time for the contest so that the poll won't have any pop-up ads. Anyway, let's get to the contestants.

Meet the Bloggers:

Adventures in Troubleshooting
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Tom Bridge
* How long have you been blogging? In one form or another for just over two years. Began on LiveJournal (lj Username: cortana), continued on with Radio, now betatesting TypePad.
* Description of Site: Adventures in Troubleshooting is about my life, what I think is interesting, and what I think is funny. I write when it moves me, and not when it doesn't. I write about technology and Mac computers, as well.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: Frank J is honestly one of the best humorists on the web. His In My World™ posts are frequently passed around our office and enjoyed by many of my coworkers. The fine line between the outrageous and the possible is equally danced around. As for my favorite post? Can I have two? If not, I'll just go with A Frank Guide to Homeland Security Alert Levels, since I live around DC, I get to deal with all sorts of dirty hippy protestors, and really dislike them. If I get a second favorite, it would be the introduction of Chomps.
* What's your favorite movie? The Usual Suspects
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? I'm gonna go with Sideshow Bob. Devious, hellbent on world domination, with a slight fetish for Gilbert and Sullivan.

ThisSide (named after the song by Nickel Creek)
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? LACAstronomer
* How long have you been blogging? Since Monday, February 10, 2003, at 1:05 AM
* Description of Site: My site is a basically a social conservative blog. It covers my views on issues like abortion, Affirmative Action, and the general downfall of morality. Also, whatever I happen to feel like talking about :)
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: Well, I have to say first of all the Frank J. is the funniest person on the internet. My favorite post would have to be, "In My World: Reading to Underprivileged Kids." Also any other In My World featuring Buck and Chomps.
* What's your favorite movie? The Lord of the Rings movies. This last one had better not disappoint me, cause if it does! (Homer Simpson like fist shake)
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Despite my above fist shake, I'd have to say Ned Flanders, cause I like his outlook on life. He sees that the morality of the world is rapidly declining, but he doesn't really let it get to him. I wish I could do that. Also, he's like America, cause he always does good things for everyone and no one is ever grateful.

Note-It Posts
* What is your preferred name as ablogger? Dana. What can I say; I have no imagination, and no fear.
* How long have you been blogging? Since June 29, 2003, but I've been writing an online journal (http://www.2frogs.net) since December 98.
* Description of Site: The (admittedly lame) description from my site is "Thoughts and commentary on whatever attracts my interest. Politics, current events, quilting, scrapbooking, photography, movies, music - it might be about anything." I'm going to change it, though, to something pithier when I... well... think of something pithy.
* Praise of Frank J. and IMAO: Ooh, already did! In the spirit of bloghood, check it out: http://noteitposts.blogspot.com (second entry for July 15th... my direct links don't work. *sob*)
* What's your favorite movie? When Harry Met Sally
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Marge. Sure, she seems shy and unassuming and matronly at first, but I say she's hiding something. I mean, think about it - have you ever heard the way she says, "Oh, HOMie!" when they're gettin all hot and bothered? And what's she hiding in that hair? Plenty of room for whips and chains. I think there's a biker chick lurking under that cool, naive exterior. That's me. ;)

Angelweave
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? hln
* How long have you been blogging? I've been blogging since early April of this year. I started a week after my husband (stlbrianj.blogspot.com) decided to give it a whirl because it seemed to be something he enjoyed, and I've always been a writer - I'm often posting interesting things on the message boards at
work; the blog has become a new hobby in the few short months I've been working at it.
* Description Site: I'm not very politically oriented in my posts. I prefer to discuss health, exercise, personal anecdotes (often involving health and exercise), and gross violations of what my moral code calls "personal responsibility." I also make fun of PETA at any opportunity. The site ranges
from irate rants to goofball whimsy.
* Praise for Frank J. and IMAO: IMAO (hence, Frank J.) cracks me up. I had "If you see in the sky a red planet with two polar caps, that's Mars, not SARS. DO NOT shoot it down." as my MSN IM name for a good week, and "Probably that kid, he's France" as my MSN IM name for a month (laziness, really). Instead of a favorite post, I have a favorite group of posts - the Fun Facts. I share those with coworkers.
* What is your favorite movie? Princess Bride. "We are men of action; lies do not become us."
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Definitely Lisa. Lisa's musical and is often the voice of reason. She also likes animals.

Proveritate (latin for for the truth)
* What is your preferred name as a blogger? Dave
* How long have you been blogging? A year and a week.
* Description of Site: A principled review of current events by an eighteen year old living in metro Detroit.
* Praise Frank J. and IMAO: Frank J runs one of the most humorous web sites in the world. I'm glad he is bringing the truth to the world stage with his lies about Glenn Reynolds. There are too many funny posts to pick from, so I'm going to throw those out and pick the post where Frank J. provides a link to my blog, it's awesome.
* What's your favorite movie? The Rock
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Krusty the Clown

Advanced Combo Tricks and Ramblings of SilverBlue did not respond in time.

Of the five, here are their responses to the questions in random order (so you don't know who wrote which). As I said, revealing who wrote which is cause for disqualification.

QUESTION: Describe a situation or crisis in which Aquaman would be a great superhero.

ANSWER 1: Seeing as Aquaman is a pretty enormous pansy, I think it would have to involve the French sinking Bikini Atoll into the Pacific, and Aquaman whipping their asses like so many rented mules. Since, well, even Aquaman could whup the French, and they'd just surrender anyway, I'm not even sure that qualifies Aquaman as a superhero, since it requires that he only fight the French. So I guess there isn't a situation where Aquaman is a superhero.

ANSWER 2: Geeez, Frank, I mean, don't make it too EASY for us or anything. (yes, that's sarcasm) Hmmm..... ok... here's my answer: Saddam Hussein has hidden his weapons of mass destruction in leaky oil barrels up and down the lengths of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. Because of his amazing power to communicate with sea animals, Aquaman discovers the locations of these barrels and relays them to Allied Central Command. Not only has Aquaman managed to clear up the mystery surrounding these materials, he has single-webbed-handedly arranged the cleanup of the resultant water pollution. He does so employing the amazing filtering capabilities of a species of jellyfish known to no one else except (dun-dun-DUNNNNN) Aquaman!!!

ANSWER 3: Aquaman should be living in the Asian country of Bangladesh. If you read the factbook it says this about Bangladesh's natural hazards, "much of the country routinely flooded during the summer monsoon season." Aquaman would have his very own season as the monsoons and the Indian Ocean drown the country. Plus he'd save hundreds in a single day since Bangladesh has a tendency to pack 600 plus people on a ferry which then promptly capsizes. Bangladesh is the perfect place for Aquaman to show off his superhero skills.

ANSWER 4: Aquaman can best excel by using his powers to make
money (and, of course, spend money to stimulate the
economy, but we'll not cover that here). Here are some of the ways Aquaman could render service. He'll never starve! He'll never be bored in a job!
1) Head Trainer at Sea World
2) Dunk-Tank Demonstrator/Salesman
3) Navy Seal
4) Professor of Underwater Basket Weaving
5) Olympic Athlete, distance events (Money comes from later endorsements)
6) Water-based security guard for Sealand
(http://www.sealandgov.com)
7) Geological Consultant - photographing the Marianas Trench
8) Working for Greenpeace - thwarting longline swordfish operations
9) Titanic artifact recovery
10) Reporter for Siren (http://www.siren.sut.org.uk/main.htm)
And, to keep himself on the positive side of the ever-scrutinizing public eye, Aquaman's community service of note would be to summon all of the still-living starfish lying on the beach back into the ocean. If that's not enough, he could make public appearances to unbeach whales.

ANSWER 5: When you're fighting the French. Underwater.

Now everyone vote for your favorite answer to the question. The voting results will be hidden until after the poll is closed to add to the aura of mystery.

POLL CLOSED (results here)

Thanks to everyone for participating in Round 1 of this seven round event.

Rating: 2.4/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Permalink Contest
Know Thy Enemy: North Koreans
Posted by Frank J. at 07:58 AM | Email This

I just realized I've never done a Know Thy Enemy™ segment on the North Koreans. If we ever have to fight them, it's likely my brother, Joe foo' the Marine, will have to go out there. I don't want him to get killed, because, if he does, it will be on my honor to avenge his death, and my schedule is just too busy for vengeance. So, I got my crack research staff to find all the important information one needs to know to fight the North Koreans.

FUN FACTS ABOUT NORTH KOREANS

* Remember, it's the North Koreans who are the evil Commies while the South Koreans are the ones who give us cars with really good warranties and animate The Simpsons. The West Koreans are mysterious loners who will work for the highest bidder.

* North Korea got its name from being North of South Korea. I don't know how South Korea got its name.

* North Korea is said to be the last Stalinist state, which means it's like an extra evil Commie country. I mean, people are escaping to China for a better life; that's pretty damn Commie!

* I believe we once fought a war with North Korea, and I think we won, too. There's precedent for you!

* They call the area between North and South Korean the Demilitarized Zone, even though it's filled with mines. With that much armaments, you'd think they'd call it the “Really-Millitarized Zone.” Anyway, if you're walking through the RMZ, make sure someone is walking ahead of you.

* I've heard rumors that the Koreans eat dogs. That's just like cannibalism! Except, instead of eating people, they're eating dogs.

* North Koreans are probably armed with Russian hardware like most evil people, because who would have sold weapons to evil people other than the Russians? Oh, they might also have French and German weaponry.

* Tae Kwan Do is a martial art that comes from Korea, so I would assume that every North Korean knows it. The martial art is characterized by its high kicks meant to knock riders from horses. So, when fighting a North Korean, duck low so his kick goes over your head, then counter with an uppercut.

* North Koreans are vulnerable to silver bullets... and any other bullets.

* Supposedly the North Koreans have nuclear missiles that could reach all the way to California, but let's find out which part of California before we get too panicked.

* I'm pretty sure ninjas are either Chinese or Japanese, but I can't guarantee that the Koreans don't have any. So, when fighting them, bring a samurai sword just in case since ninjas dodge bullets.

* If you find yourself attacked by a North Korean, stop, drop, and roll.

* The North Korean government keeps their people starving, oppressed, isolated, and ignorant, and they are all taught that Americans are evil. Still, if having to invade their country, just toss the people some Fun Size bag of Fritos and I bet they'll think you're the second coming of Christ.

* Just like the llama, the North Koreans need a constant intake of oxygen to survive; thus, they are susceptible to strangling.

* If a North Korean bites you, you become one.

* In a fight between the North Korean military and the Flash, the Flash would run away really quickly to a tropical resort in Thailand and drink a Mai Tai.

* I'm sorry, but I'm running out of jokes about Aquaman.

* Okay, one more: In a fight between Aquaman and the North Koreans, Aquaman could splash Kim Jong Il messing up his poofy hair and humiliating him. The North Koreans would then hit Aquaman with so much artillery that the Justice League wouldn't even be able to identify him by his dental records.

* If you kill a North Korean, be careful! His body will explode into deadly poisonous gas... or maybe I'm getting them confused with the enemies from some videogame.

* Their leader, Kim Jong Il, has extremely poofy hair, and our inaction will not make it any less poofy.

Rating: 3.1/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Know Thy Enemy
July 17, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:09 PM | Email This

Matt of Blackfive is a national hero. I'm almost ready to give him a permalink on this story alone. If you bother to read anything I ever link to, make it this.

Po' wittle Wizbang. He took a look at the blogging ecosystem and realized who he's f**king with! And now he's pleading for help. Muh ha ha ha!

I warned you before about how sinister Donkey Kong was, and Laurence Simon has proof!

A reader sent me a link to this comic to show me why my campaign against Glenn Reynolds is doomed to fail.

One Little Victory gets a troll who actually uses the phrase "Bush lied; people died" with a straight face.

Jared keeps track of North Korea's unofficial spokesman so you don't have too. A real funny read.

When it comes to the spelling on sensational photos about naked women getting shot with paintballs, Spoons gets results!

* * * *

I don't always have a lot of time each day to peruse the blogosphere, so don't be afraid to send me a link to one of your posts if you think it's especially worthy. Just don't bug me too often (try to keep e-mails to once a week) or get too upset if I don't use it.

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10)
New Super Happy Fun Schedule!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:42 PM | Email This

I've condensed the schedule, as it did seem a bit ridiculous to take a month to reward someone what I used to hand out to anyone who e-mailed me. Anyway, I just hope everyone has fun in this contest and, in the least, gets some traffic out of the deal.

The deadline approaches for Group A, and two blogs have yet to submit their answers...

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Permalink Contest
Super Lucky Happy Yadda Yadda Update
Posted by Frank J. at 12:12 PM | Email This

I think I'm going to try and condense the permalink competition schedule a bit. This won't affect Group A, but Group B will probably be getting their questions Monday morning. If I change it, I'll post the changes tonight.

I also have a great idea for another competition afterwards, but that will have to wait.

Rating: 2.6/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (7) | Permalink Contest
Frank Answers: Ethnic Slurs, Burning Hippies, and Cursed Pirates Versus Ninjas
Posted by Frank J. at 12:09 PM | Email This

Rich from North Grafton, Massachusetts asks:
If I were to get an Irishman to wear a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, would it
stop him from being a lying bastard?

Hey, no ethnic slurs! I'm half-Irish, and I take great offense at that. You'll be in big trouble if I remember this insult after I sober up.


Harley W. Daugherty from LaGrange, Missouri asks:
Why is it illegal here in Missouri to burn hippies? What would happen if I set one on fire and what charges would I face?

It's illegal for the same reasons it's illegal to burn leaves without a permit; setting fire to a hippy if not done properly could be a hazard. You'd be charged with endangering non-hippies and their property, and face a hefty fine that could go into the hundreds of dollars.


Jimbo from Simi Valley, CA. writes:
I think animated and cursed pirate skeletons could kick ninja ass ANY day. I have just seen the “Pirates of The Caribbean” movie and it looks like the evil cursed skeleton pirates could kick ninja butt all day long and not even break a sweat. I know they don’t have any skin to sweat from, but that is not my point! Do you know where I can find some evil cursed pirate skeletons that know sword play? I bet a crew of them watching my house would sure keep the neighbor kids off my lawn! Do you think that we could set up a death match between ninjas and the feared but cursed pirates?

Slow down there a second. As we all know from the official source on ninjas, pirates are the archnemesis of the ninja and are really lame in comparison. Now, I didn't see this movie you speak of because I boycott Disney on account of their selling biological weapons to terrorist nations, but an undead pirate is still just a lame dead corpse, and ninjas could easily cut them up into a million pieces. If you had cursed pirates guarding your house, the ninjas would extra kill the pirates and then you and I would laugh at your foolishness. The only thing that can stop a ninja is the power of the samurai. Go buy the Book of Five Rings, and, if a ninja attacks you, try throwing it at him.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 3.8/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (10) | Frank Answers
It's Really Just the Thumb Sticking Out Between Two Fingers
Posted by Frank J. at 08:20 AM | Email This

We're pretty sure North Korea has nuclear weapons, and this would be a serious and scary affair if their leader wasn't so damn goofy looking with his poofy hair and all. He's like the clown prince of evil dictators. Still, Bush seems comitted to a diplomatic solution, and, while I favor... uh... what's the opposite of a diplomatic solution? Oh yeah, a bomb the crap out of them solution. As I was saying, while I favor that, here are some ideas for a diplomatic solution:

TOP TEN DIPLOMATIC SOLUTIONS TO THE NORTH KOREAN NUCLEAR CRISIS

10. Offer free coupon for SuperKutz in exchange for nuclear warheads.

9. At talks, say, "Hey! Look over there!" Then grab nuclear warheads and run away while laughing (laughing makes you run faster).

8. Ask Kim Jong Il to "Please dismantle nukes." If that doesn't work, raise to pretty please. Then put sugar on top. Then offer to be his best friend.

7. Have people negotiating with Kim Jong Il have even larger and poofier hair so that he is shamed.

6. Make nuclear armament a symbol of gay pride. Joke to Kim Jong Il, "I didn't know you swung that way."

5. Dress up cruise missiles in suits and ties so they look like diplomats. Have then be tough, but fair, and then explode.

4. Buy a big meal from KFC and eat it in front of the North Korean people while saying, "Mmmm... this is good chicken! I just wish I had citizens of a country which isn't proliferating nuclear weapons to share it with."

3. Have Bush challenge Kim Jong Il to kung fu fight for the warheads. Cheat like all 'ell.

2. Say we will exchange his nuclear warheads for even better ones. What we give them instead are spray-painted automatic bread makers.

And, the number one diplomatic solution to the North Korean nuclear crisis...

Do that "Got your nose!" trick to Kim Jong Il. Say you won't give his nose back until he dismantles his nuclear weapons program.

Rating: 1.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (12)
RARR!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:06 AM | Email This

While my experiment has not worked so far, look what Instapundit and his droog Wizbang have done.

Enemies List:
Instapundit
Wizbang

You will both rue the day you crossed me. Live your lives knowing destruction is imminent.

You may have won this round, puppy blender, but the war is far from over.

UPDATE: Jennifer noticed that Glenn Reynolds has changed my permalink so it goes to that phoney page. Now that's dirty pool! Remember, Glenn, you started this, but I'll end it!

Rating: 2.3/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (24)
July 16, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:27 PM | Email This

I had been a little afraid of Buck being offensive to some military men and women when I first made him up, but I hadn't had any complaints until his most recent essay, one being in its comments section and the other to John Hawkins who had the post on his site in its entirety. Though I love humor, I don't mean to offend anyone (except for hippies and Commies), so, if you think I stepped over the line, don't be afraid to e-mail me.

If you want a puppy-blending joke at Glenn Reynolds's expense, Emperor Misha I has it.

Mean Mr. Mustard is leaving us (no, that doesn't mean there is one more space on the blogroll).

Eric Scheie reminises about 1913. I didn't think he was that old.

Greg of Begging to Differ fisks Dean. I sure hope Dean gets nominated; that'll be fun!

* * * *

I don't always have a lot of time each day to peruse the blogosphere, so don't be afraid to send me a link to one of your posts if you think it's especially worthy. Just don't bug me too often (try to keep e-mails to once a week) or get too upset if I don't use it.

Rating: 1.8/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Starts Now!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:01 PM | Email This

Man, this is a lot of work for one permalink, and I'm just talking about my side to organize this. I decided to sweeten the pot a little, in that the winner will not only get added permanently to my regular blogroll, but get a spot at the top also right under Rachel Lucas and above Liberal Assclown. Plus, the winner can fives times send me a post and it automatically goes to the top of that day's Links of the Day™.

Anyway, using random numbers from random.org, here are the six groups (three of seven and three of six):

Group A:
Proveritate: A Principled Review of Current Events
This Side
Advanced Combo Tricks
Note-It Posts
Ramblings of SilverBlue
Adventures in Troubleshooting
Angelweave

Group B:
Ordinary Galoot
Tiger Raggin' & Rantin'
The Wise Man Says
The Stormin' Mormon
Serenity's Journal
Experimenting with Mental Exhibitionism
Wince and Nod

Group C:
Collinization
Mike
Blog of Xanadu
Mamamontezz's Mental Rumpus Room
Uncategorical
Modular Parrot
Bloviating Inanities

Group D:
Curiosity
Practical Penumbra
The Voodoo Lounge
Little Miss Attila
Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness
Over the Edge

Group E:
Who Tends the Fires
Think About It
A Little Aardvark Never Hurt Anyone
A Lone Paladin in Good Company
Ambient Irony
Beth's Contradictory Brain

Group F:
Blather Review
Jennifer's History and Stuff
Right of Center
Bad Money
Kaedrin
One Little Victory

And here is the schedule:

NOW Group A Gets question
7/17 Thursday night Group A answers are due
7/18 Friday morning poll is posted of Group A answers
7/21 Monday morning poll closes and Group B get questions
7/22 Tuesday morning Group B answers are due
7/22 Tuesday night poll is posted of Group B answers and Group C gets questions
7/23 Wednesday night poll closes and Group C answers are due
7/24 Thursday morning poll is posted of Group C answers and Group D gets questions
7/25 Friday morning poll closes and Group D answers are due
7/28 Monday morning poll is posted of Group D answers and Group E gets questions
7/29 Tuesday morning poll closes and Group E questions are due
7/29 Tuesday night poll is posted of Group E answers and Group F gets questions
7/30 Wednesday night Group F answers are due
7/31 Thursday morning poll is posted of Group F answers
8/1 Friday morning poll closes
8/4 Monday morning finalists gets questions
8/5 Tuesday morning finalists answers are due
8/5 Tuesday night poll is posted of final answers
8/6 Wednesday night poll closes
8/7 Thursday morning, winner is announced!

Winners are announced an undetermined time after each poll closes, and poll results will be hidden while the poll is running.

Anyway, here are the questions for Group A. They are to be e-mailed to me, and no one can reveal what his or her answers is to the short answer question as the voting is to be blind to who wrote it. If anyone reveals on their site or elsewhere which entry they wrote, they will be disqualified.

GROUP A QUESTIONS:

What is the name of your site?
What is your preferred name as a blogger?
How long have you been blogging?
Give a brief description of your site.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
What's your favorite movie?
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?

SHORT ANSWER QUESTION: In 200 words or less, describe a situation or crisis in which Aquaman would be a great superhero.

Answers are due 24 hours from this posting. Godspeed.

Rating: 2.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (16) | Permalink Contest
Posted by Frank J. at 01:56 PM | Liberal Assclown&Body=http://www.imao.us/archives/000819.html">Email This

Just wanted to say I'm not a liberal assclown (heh heh).

Also, didn't have enough time to do Frank Answers™ today, but I will have that update tonight about the Permalink Contest as promised.

Rating: 2.0/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Permalink Contest Update
Posted by Frank J. at 09:09 AM | Email This

I will have split all the contestant up into groups and will have the list of groups plus the first group's question posted tonight. They will then have 24 hours to respond, and then the vote will be up the next morning.

Also, I recommend everyone check out the list of blogs to see the different ways everyone handled their link for my most scientific experiment. Thanks for everyone who is participating, and I remind you it has to stay up for a week or so for Google to catch it.

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Permalink Contest
In My World: That'll Teach Mr. Squawkers to Think He's 'All That'
Posted by Frank J. at 08:57 AM | Email This

"You don't have a better picture of him?" Condoleezza Rice asked as she looked at the photo of Chomps's open maw.

"Cameras make him intensely angry," Rumsfeld answered, "Anyway, this is the view most people get of him." Rumsfeld hung up another poster reading, "LOST DOG: Responds to the name Chomps - or any other name - with extreme anger."

"I'm sure you'll find him," Rice told him.

"I'm just worried he's all alone in the middle of nowhere with nothing to take his anger out upon."

"He always finds something to take his anger out on," Rice assured him.

"Well, better get back to work," Rumsfeld sighed.

* * * *

"I lost my dog and am extra angry today, so don't piss me off," Rumsfeld warned.

"I have a question..."

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled, jumping onto the reporter and pummeling him, "I don't like the tone of your voice."

"Uh, how do you respond to people who describe the current situation in Iraq has a 'quagmire'?" asked another reporter.

"With murderous rage!" Rumsfeld shouted, charging that reporter.

"Someone distract him with another question!" the reporter pleaded.

"What are your plans for those currently attacking U.S. troops?"

Rumsfeld stopped to think about the question. "We will paint murals on the walls in Iraq depicting a glorious future free of tyranny. And the paint we will use will be... THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES! Rarr!"

"What about North Korea and their nuclear weapons?"

"They will die for their insolence!" Rumsfeld declared, "I will have the poofy-haired head of Kim Jong Il on a pike!"

"I thought Bush's wanted a diplomatic solution?"

"Bush is a pansy! I will beat him with Kim Jong Il's head! Rarr!"

Rumsfeld was getting so worked up he looked about ready to kill all the reporters in attendance, but then a familiar face was seen coming through the doorway.

"Chomps!" Rumsfeld exclaimed, and rushed over to Chomps to give him a hug. Chomps then licked Rumsfeld on the face.

"Aww, isn't that nice," said a reporter, as he got a cameraman to move closer to the scene.

Chomps saw the camera, and it made him angry. Very angry.

* * * *

President Bush relaxed on a couch watching a nature show. "The penguin, while quite awkward on land, swims gracefully in the water," the narrator said.

"Ha, stupid penguins," Bush laughed, "If they can't even fly, why do they bother being birds. They might as well be fish."

"Don't you have work to do," Laura called out to him, "Like some bills to sign, or to take out the trash?"

"No one is ever so busy they don't have enough time to watch a documentary on penguins," Bush answered.

"Down in Antarctica, there are very few predators on land," the narrator continued, "but now approaches a very angry looking dog who seems intent on ripping all the penguins to pieces. Actually, no, it appears there is just one penguin he doesn't like. And the dog has got him and is shaking the penguin vigorously. The penguin being injured, dazed, and confused, the dog seems satisfied that it has paid for its crimes and begins to leave. No, wait, he's stopped to attack a snowdrift. And now he leaves."

"Wow, nature is beautiful," Bush exclaimed, "I didn't like that penguin either. In fact... ack... ech... erk..."

Laura rushed behind Bush to give him the Heimlich maneuver. "For pete's sake, I told you not to buy pretzels anymore."

Rating: 2.5/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (10) | In My World
July 15, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:51 PM | Email This

If Xanadu become president, he wants me to be his historian. Okay, but I warn you, sometimes I make stuff up.

Right of Center takes apart the French-looking John Kerry. And Stoney finds out that Kerry keeps popping up everywhere like Forest Gump.

Jason has made a video of all the Peace Gallery pictures so far.

Brian J. (no relation) has survival tips for being attacked by a giant kangaroo.

I was told that Instapundit didn't link to this post, so I will. It's a contest to come up with the best mockery of the current drinking age.

Finally, Fritz has the office going away card for Ari Fleischer. What's the name of his replacement so I can start getting prepared?

Plus, Michele doesn't get linked to by me as often as she would like. Which reminds me, Michele, Meryl Yourish, and Lair are all participating in Blogathon 2003 to try and raise money to buy an entire ambulance to help save lives in Israel. Give if you can.

Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Super Happy Lucky Fun Permalink Contest Number One (Plus Very Scientific Experiment Everyone Can Help Out In)
Posted by Frank J. at 12:48 PM | Email This

I didn't want to make this contest for a permalink a long drawn out affair, but more people opted in than I expected. Thus I am going to draw it out a bit so that each blog has a chance in the spotlight. I will randomly divide the blogs into groups, one group competing at a time. Each blogger will have an opportunity to describe his or her blog, and then answer a short answer question. Readers will vote on the best answer. The winner from each round will then compete in one final round, the winner of that getting the coveted permalink of no monetary value. Here are the blogs I have listed as competing:

The Voodoo Lounge
Blather Review
The Stormin' Mormon
Think About It
Mike
Jennifer's History and Stuff
A Lone Paladin in Good Company
Note-It Posts
Practical Penumbra
Collinization
Advanced Combo Tricks
Adventures in Troubleshooting
Mamamontezz's Mental Rumpus Room
Tiger Raggin' & Rantin'
GrahamLester.com
Happy Furry Puppy Story Time with Norbizness
Right of Center
Proveritate: A Principled Review of Current Events
Beth's Contradictory Brain
Experimenting with Mental Exhibitionism
Serenity's Journal
ColoradoPsycho.com
The Wise Man Says
Ambient Irony
Ordinary Galoot
Angelweave
A Little Aardvark Never Hurt Anyone
Bloviating Inanities
Ramblings of SilverBlue
Modular Parrot
Bad Money
Little Miss Attila
Kaedrin
This Side
Wince and Nod
Blog of Xanadu
One Little Victory
Curiosity
Who Tends the Fires

If I left anyone out, please notify me. But, before the competition, everyone must help me in a scientific experiment first.

Before I get to that though, I want to clear something up. I acted jokingly mad at Instapundit for not linking to me on my blogiversary, and then I had people e-mail him hate mail as a joke. He then used that as another opportunity to not link to me, and also insulting called my readers "spambots". That would seem to make me angry, but it is all in good fun (who ratted me out, though?). I actually respect Glenn Reynolds very much, and am proud to have a permalink on his page. He was an inspiration for me making my own blog.

That said, onto scientific experiment!

Scientific Experiment! (very scientifical)

Google puts a lot of weight on what words are used in a hyperlink to link to someone. People exploited this to make Microsoft the number of item returned when searching for "go to hell" by many people linking to Microsoft with the words "go to hell". This doesn't work anymore, as Google seems to have changed the rules. As I pointed out yesterday, while Google does take text in the hyperlink into account, it will not return an item in the search query unless one of the terms being searched for actually appears on the page and not just links to that page. Thus comes my theory:

Frank's Very Scientific Google Search Theory: If many people link to a page with one word that appears on that page and one word that doesn't, that page will become the first item returned by Google for the phrase made of the two words.

Now we must experiment to prove this. First, I'll need a page to link to. Let's randomly pick one from my blogroll... ah, Instapundit. We'll use that page.

Now let's find a word that is always on his mainpage... "Liberal". That is always on there since he links to the Armed Liberal.

Now I'll use my random word generator to pick a random word that is not normally on his main page... "Assclown". Hmm, that's an interesting word. It will work perfectly for this experiment.

Now all we need is lots of webpages to link to http://www.instapundit.com with the phrase "Liberal Assclown" (e.g. Liberal Assclown). And the links must stay up for a week or so for Google to read in all the new data. If enough people do it, next time we search for "Liberal Assclown", Instapundit.com will be returned.

So, spambots, here are your orders. Put a link to Instapundit on your mainpage (not just in a post), the hyperlink text being "Liberal Assclown" (I have mine up right under Rachel Lucas on my blogroll). You don not have to remove your normal link to Instapundit if you have one. You have 24 hours to do this, or you are out of the competition (unless you have a note from your doctor or tech support saying that you weren't able to put up a link). Everyone else with a blog or other webpage is invited to help out in this scientific experiment of extreme scientificness. Make sure your webpage is submitted to Google for scanning. The more people that join in, the more scientifical this venture will be.

Isn't science fun!

Rating: 2.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (43) | Permalink Contest
Update at Noon
Posted by Frank J. at 08:25 AM | Email This

I've compiled together all the sites that want to participate in the contest for an IMAO permalink, and I'll list those blogs along with stating the finalized rules at my lunchtime update. Plus, there will be a scientific experiment that all the entrants have to participate in as sort of their entry fee (you’ll have 24 hours to comply, so make sure to read the rules) and everyone else is encouraged to help with. See you then.

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Buck's Opinion on the State of Union Speech Intelligence Fiasco
Posted by Frank J. at 08:19 AM | Email This

People have been making a big deal out of sixteen words in the President's State of the Union speech, but it almost seems to me like they're blowing things out of proportion. I don't think whether that mention of uranium had been in speech or not would have changed whether we would go to war with Saddam, but I thought I'd get the opinion of someone who had actually been in Iraq risking his life on what he thought of this possible falsehood.

Hi, Buck here… Buck the Marine, that is. Now, I don't get myself involved much in politics, I just kill fore'ners, but some people have been saying that President Bush lied and that, as a result, people have died. I'm here to tell you that, whether Bush told the truth or not, I would have killed lots of fore'ners. These were some bad people, and we can all be happy that they are now in fore'ner hell.

As for whether Iraq was trying to get uranium from Africa really concerns me, I have to say it did not. When I was in the midst of battle, my thoughts were not, "Kill'n these fore'ners is only justified because of Iraq trying to get uranium." Instead, the thoughts going through my head were, "These people are sure foreign; I should kill them," and, "It sure is satisfying to be kill'n these people who are foreign," and, "I just killed me all them fore'ners; hope I can find some more," and finally, "Ooh-rah!"

Now, maybe to the oppressed Iraqis, it was possible that they only wanted to be liberated if Iraq had tried to obtain uranium from Africa. There was a lot of cheering when we entered the cities, but a lot of what they said was in crazy fore'ner gibberish, so I can't be sure what they said. One little Iraqi girl did run up to me and say, "Thank you, Mr. American," which made me happy, and then she asked, "I heard some people did not want you to save us. Could you stab them with your big knife?" She was so sweet and innocent, so of course I had to tell her yes. I almost teared up at that point, and maybe that made me so distracted I missed her next statement of, "But, if it wasn't true about what Bush said about Iraq and uranium in the State of the Union speech, could you please put Saddam back in power so he can torture my family," but I doubt she said that.

Anyway, while in Iraq, I killed a lot of people, and, if they didn't want to have been killed, they shouldn't have been so foreign. And we were way too busy in that conflict to be parsing through the President's State of the Union speech at the same time. Like I've said, I'm a Marine; not a politician. I'm just stating it as it is.

Godspeed to all the troops still in Iraq and Afghanistan, and may you find all the fore'ners still in need of kill'n. Ooh-rah!

Rating: 2.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (16)
July 14, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:05 PM | Email This

John Hawkins has yet another blogger symposium that doesn't involve me. I hate things that don't involve me!

Rachel Lucas is getting a house. The American Dream comes true for yet another individual.

Lawguy has the scoop on the director vying to be the next Michael Moore.

Wow, Mark from Kaedrin marks his third blogiversary. I didn't even know blogging was that old.

Buck is showing up on other blogs. I don't know if I - or Buck - likes that…

BTW, today was Ari Fleischer's last day as White House Press Secretary. What this means for In My World™ remains to be seen.

Rating: 1.9/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Changes to Google and the Permalink Contest
Posted by Frank J. at 01:12 PM | Email This

It used to be that if you search for "go to hell" on Google, Microsoft would be the first item returned. This was because people linked to Microsoft with the phrase "go to hell". This no longer works anymore, as Google seems to have changed the rules.

Search for "puppy blender" in Google, and Instapundit.com will not be one of the links returned. But, search for "puppy blender" plus any word that normally appears on his mainpage (modem, for instance), and Instapundit.com will be one of the top items returned.

I mention this for no reason.

Anyway, for those vying for a permalink, I originally wanted this to be a simple one question thing, but there are more participants than I expected. Thus there will have to be some elimination rounds before the main event. I'll try to keep this short and simple, as I don't want you to devote all your blogging time to this silly venture. I will collect the list of participating blogs tonight, and your first assignment will appear in a post tomorrow. It will be an experiment for the benefit of science.

Muh ha ha ha!

Rating: 3.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Frank Answers: A Lamer Superhero than Aquaman, Floating, the Penny's Curse, and Horrible, Libelous, Slanderous, Claumny
Posted by Frank J. at 12:51 PM | Email This

Tim H from Melbourne, Florida asks:
We all know that Aquaman is a pussy, but who would win a fight between him and that hippy Captain Planet?

Okay, you win; you found a lamer superhero than Aquaman. I'll just say Aquaman better kick Captain Planet's ass or he'll be downgraded to janitor at the Justice League.

Tom from Great Falls, MT asks:
Why does air float?

That's because air is too small and moves around too fast for gravity to grab it. If you were able to get your car to drive fast enough, eventually you'd outrun gravity and the car would fly. The only problem is, the larger the object, the faster it has to go for gravity to lose track of it. In principle, though, a fast running midget should be able to fly.

Jennifer from Des Moines, Iowa asks:
Why does the penny have Abraham Lincoln facing the opposite direction than the other coins?

Well, I don't have any change on me, so I'll just have to take your word for it. You probably think there is some sinister explanation behind this, and you're right.

It actually has nothing to do with Lincoln. What�s the difference between the penny and other U.S. coins? It's color, as it has copper in it. In the days of old, when the ancient gods ruled the day, it was common for the rich and haughty to have reliefs made of their heads upon copper plates. This angered the ancient gods, and they placed curses upon any images in copper which faced the left, the "sinister" direction. Only bad luck would come from such things. Only facing the right could save one from the gods� wrath. Many stopped making copper reliefs entirely out of fear.

The tales of the ancient were soon forgotten, and, when the first pennies were made, Lincoln faced to the left. America was soon plagued with death and disease. Finally a scholar found the reason why and got the mint to correct their error. Still, if you find a penny lying on the ground face down, leave it be or risk death, for Lincoln faces left when a penny is flipped.

Actually, since pennies are 95% zinc now, I don't think it makes a difference.


This isn't really a question, it's more like horrible slander sent in by Bob Kingsbery from Frisco, Texas in response to a previous Frank Answers™:
The Army's Model 1911 .45 caliber automatic is one of the most inaccurate pistol ever made. You can't hit the side of a barn with it, from inside the barn! Which is why the army issued them to officers--it wanted its officers giving orders and assessing the situation instead of wasting time shooting at the enemy. The only thing a .45 is good for is shooting the mules, point blank, that are blocking your road, as Patton did in the movie. Only he used a .357 caliber ivory-handled revolver.

Just give me a second to recover from this horrible libel.

...

Okay, I've recovered. The 1911 is one of the marvel's of modern engineering. It is the handgun, IMHO. Now, I know some people have complained about the quality of government issue 1911's (I've even heard my father say they had accuracy problems), but I don't know anything about that (if some people with military experience could enlighten me on that, I'd appreciate it). All I know is that you don't have hundreds of versions of the 1911 because "you can't hit the side of a barn with it." Maybe that's a problem of your own accuracy, but my 1911 (a Colt 1991) shoots like a dream. And nothing beats that big 'ole slug for stopping power. Am I alone here, or does anyone else think this e-mail was either born of ignorance or a desire to troll?

Just don't say things like this to me when my 1911 is in reaching distance. It won�t be as forgiven as I am.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.0/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (23) | Frank Answers
In My World: Blood is Also Symbolic of Blood
Posted by Frank J. at 07:25 AM | Email This

"Know what superhero I'd like to be?" Bush asked, "The Hulk. Then I’d get to just smash everything I didn't like... but it wouldn't be my fault, because I'm the Hulk. It would be other people's fault for making me mad."

"I'm mad, too," Cheney answered.

"I hope you at least like your new undisclosed location."

"I'm sitting right next to you," Cheney said with annoyance.

Bush covered his ears. "Well don't tell me!"

"Idiot," Cheney uttered.

"I heard that!"

"Then you need to learn to cover your ears better!"

"I'm not mad at you," Bush said, "I'm mad at all those people out there who are saying I'm a liar for saying Iraq was trying to get uranium from Africa. I was just reading the teleprompter! Instead of getting credit for good reading, they call me a liar! It makes me so mad I want to grow big and green and smash them all!"

"And some are saying I knew it was untrue ahead of time!" Cheney stated irately, "I didn't even know what undisclosed location I was in when your speech was made!"

"It was the crawl space of my friend's Ralph's house," Bush said, "but that's neither here nor there. We need to get these people and tell them to stop saying lies about me lying!"

"What's your plan?" Cheney asked.

"I'm going to invite Daschle over for a meeting and then hit him in the knee caps with my six iron!" Bush exclaimed, holding up his golf club.

Cheney thought about that. "This is the part where I leave."

"Where to?"

"Undisclosed," Cheney said, exiting the room.

"A bar," Bush muttered. He then heard Senator Tom Daschle coming so he hid his club behind his back.

"I heard your ready to compromise on that bill," Daschle said, entering the room, "but you just didn't say which bill."

"Uh... the one all you Democrats are whining about," Bush answered.

"You have to be more specific."

"Anyhoo, there is another initiative I decided to veto."

"Which one?"

"The 'Not hit you in the kneecaps' initiative!" Bush yelled, hitting Daschle in the kneecaps with his club. Daschle screamed like a girl and went straight to the ground. "That's for saying I lied in my State of the Union address and putting out those commercials."

"It wasn't me; I swear!" Daschle yelled, "It's Moveon.org; they're putting out those commercials."

"Well, then, get out of here," Bush commanded.

"I can't! You broke my kneecaps!"

"Fine," Bush said as he went to the phone. "Secret Service, please come and drag Daschle somewhere he can get medical attention."

Two men came in and started dragging Daschle away. "I am saddened by this assault on me," Daschle said as he went out the door.

"Yeah yeah yeah," Bush answered.

Laura Bush then came in the room, looking quite shocked. "Did you just hit Daschle with your six iron?"

"Maybe," Bush said, putting down his golf club.

"What have I told you?" Laura scolded, "If you are going to cudgel someone, you go and buy a cudgel. We use things for what they're intended for in this house. If you break all your irons on people's knees, I'm not going to let you buy any new ones. And then won't you look stupid playing golf with no irons?"

"I'm sorry, dear," Bush said, looking at his feet, "It's just everybody is saying I lied in the State of the Union about Iraq trying to get uranium. I don't even know what their point is! Do they want me to pull out of Iraq and let Saddam go back to torturing everyone?" Bush then thought about that. "Hmm... there's an idea. I pretend to apologize for the invasion, and, when Saddam goes back to Baghdad to retake power, we snipe him good!"

"Uh... you run that idea by your advisors, George," Laura told him, "So who is calling you a liar?"

"Lots of people," Bush answered, "And then there are these commercials by Moveon.org that says I'm a 'Misleader'." Bush then started to laugh. "Hey, I finally just got that; that's clever. Before I thought they were insinuating I'm a woman."

"So, George, have you thought of talking to these people and explaining your side?"

"No, but I've thought of bombing them followed by the deployment of ground troops; that always seems to clear up misunderstandings."

Laura rolled her eyes. "Well, if you're not going to talk to them, I will. It's time for someone to be an adult."

"I dunno know about this..."

"It's a little thing called 'diplomacy'," Laura said, "If you plan on being president for another four years, one of these days you should learn it."

* * * *

"Hello, is this the headquarters for Moveon.org?" Laura asked with a pleasant smile.

"Yeah," answered an unshaven hippy man in a tie dye t-shirt, "This is wear we fight Bush and his lying and his killing."

"Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about," Laura said softly, "You see, President Bush is my husband, and I know he is an honest person. The mention of Iraq trying to obtain uranium in his State of the Union speech was an honest mistake, and it seems silly to condemn everything the Iraq war has accomplished by focusing on that one thing. Maybe you people should 'move on'."

The hippy looked confused.

"You know; the name of your organization..." Laura prompted.

"Bush lied; people died!" the hippy responded.

"I think that oversimplifies things," Laura said, struggling a bit to keep her pleasant demeanor, "The war in Iraq was fought for many reasons, and you have to admit the people in Iraq are better off now that the murderous Saddam is out of power."

"He had his illegal war for oil!" the hippy shouted.

"I'm not quite following you now."

"He lied; people died."

"Uh... you said that already," Laura responded, getting frustrated, "Now, I want you to think really hard. Does a few words in the State of the Union address invalidate that a horrible, evil regime is gone and that a once oppressed people now have a chance at freedom."

They hippy seemed to try to think, but it looked painful. Finally, he just grabbed a canister next to him and threw it at Laura, splattering her in red paint. "That's symbolic of the blood of the dead Iraqis! Blood you helped enable!"

Laura was in complete and utter shock. "You... just... threw... red paint... on me."

"That will teach you for supporting a war with oil involved and things!" the hippy yelled.

Laura was still shocked beyond sense. "My favorite blouse... covered in paint..."

"Bush is a misleader!" the hippy continued, "He is a misleader! Bush lied; people were killed... I mean... died."

"You threw red paint on me!"

"That's to protest warmongering and all those countries being so unilateral together and... uh... uh-oh!"

* * * *

"Clancy, you're my intelligence guy, right?" Bush asked.

Clancy fixed his black tie and sunglasses. "I can neither confirm nor deny that."

"That's what I wanted to hear. So do you have some intelligence about terrorism I can include in this speech I'm about to give?"

"Yes, we have just learned that Syria is working with the Umbrella corporation to develop something called the 't-virus', a biological weapon that turns people into killer zombies."

Bush started to write that down, but then paused. "Hey, I just got burned for using bad intelligence recently. I want to be sure about this before I include it. What are your sources?"

"I can't tell you that; it's classified."

"But I'm the president!" Bush exclaimed, "I get to know everything!"

Clancy chuckled. "Yeah, like were going to tell all our secrets to just any American president. If we did that with Bill Clinton, every whore in the tri-state area would know where the aliens are buried. You first have to be cleared by the secret, hidden government before you can hear about our sources, and that won't happen until that measure is cleared by the doubly-secret government that actually runs the secret government, unbeknown to the secret government."

"But I want to know now!" Bush whined, "Where did you hear that intelligence from?"

"Fine," Clancy answered, "We were tipped off by the British intelligence which had intercepted it from Polish intelligence which had heard two Swedes talking about it who had read it from a independent Danish newspaper which was quoting a Japanese kid what he heard from another kid during recess."

"So how certain are you of the zombie story, then?"

"We give it a certainty ranking of 3L."

"And what does that mean?"

"While you are cleared to hear our rankings of intelligence certainty, you aren't cleared enough to be told what those rankings mean."

"Dammit!" Bush exclaimed, "Hell, I'm going to include it in the speech. Everyone will support me if they think the terrorists have zombies."

Laura now entered the room, covered from head to toe in red.

"Uh... how'd it go, dear?" Bush asked, a bit confused.

"They aren't going to say mean things about you anymore," Laura answered firmly.

"Then why are you... uh... covered in red paint?" Bush inquired, handing her a handkerchief.

Laura wiped her face with the handkerchief. "It's not all paint."

Rating: 2.5/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (34) | In My World
July 13, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:03 PM | Email This

Now I'm mad! I was in the middle of writing my next In My World™, and then I found out that once again Glenn Reynolds has blatantly not linked to me. But what made me really mad, so mad I almost can't write, is that he referred to you, my readers, as spambots! This means war!

Blaster is also trying to make me mad. Not a good day for it.

The Friendly Ghost reports on how the Germans are going to march through France again. Well, we ain't helping them out this time!

Cannon has a nice tribute to Reagan on the advent of the commissioning of the USS Ronald Reagan (thanks to Emperor Misha I for pointing out the link). I can't wait to see that ship and her crew kick some serious ass!

SPOONS IS BACK!!!!

Rating: 2.2/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Who Wants a Permalink?
Posted by Frank J. at 02:06 PM | Email This

I used to approve pretty much any link exchange, but now my blogroll is too large and I'm too big and important. As Stephen Den Beste had said before, permalinks don't really bring you more traffic, but I still think they are important as a status symbol. So I came up with this great idea: why don't I have people compete over a permalink on my site!

Here's the deal. I'll come up with a short answer question, and people competing for the permalink will then write answers to it. I will then post all the answers and have people vote on the best one. I will say what blogs are competing, but I will not say who wrote which. If someone reveals which one they wrote, they are disqualified (this keeps blogs which already have a decent amount of traffic from trying to tip the scales). If you are interested, post in the comments section along with your blog URL. Anyone already on my links page is disqualified (only Rachel gets multiple links).

As always, if you just want to get on my Links of the Day post, feel free to e-mail me a post anytime you feel particularly proud of one. Best done during the weekdays when I have less time to read and find links anyway.

Rating: 2.2/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (46) | Permalink Contest
Evil Plotting
Posted by Frank J. at 11:30 AM | Email This

It's Sunday, which means it's time to plot the destruction of Instapundit.

A number of sites didn't link to me on my blogiversary, but, of all those sites, Instapundit didn't link to me the most. It was almost as if Glenn Reynolds wrote, "Hey! Look at me! I'm not linking to IMAO!" I know he fears my rise to power, and thus is working to undermine me… but I shall do him in first!

Everyone already knows that Glenn Reynolds puts puppies in blenders, but I need more than that to completely annihilate Instapundit. Oh, the plans I have for him; he will wish he never even thought of blogging. Muh ha ha ha ha!

...okay, I got nothing. I don't have a plan yet. But I shall put every other thought to the destruction of Instapundit (well, every third thought). I shall come up with a plan, and then I will be the greatest blog out there. No one will be able to stop me. No one! Bwa ha ha ha ha!

Okay, I'm done now.

UPDATE: I got it! Let's send him a mass hate mail campaign to unnerve him. We'll each send him one e-mail with the subject "You Are Hated" and then have this as the body:

I hate you.

THIS IS NOT A FORM LETTER

Just click on the e-mail link above or do it yourself (I've already sent mine). Don't tell him I'm behind this, though; let him think this was all spontaneous.

Rating: 2.8/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (23)
July 12, 2003
Frank Like Money
Posted by Frank J. at 10:43 PM | Email This

What's the biggest complaint I keep getting about my site? Not enough ads.

Okay, no one has ever said that, but I'm going to experiment with putting some ads on my site. I wanted to make an Amazon.com link that was items I like, but it was hard to make it look nice; I'll play around with that later. Anyway, did you know that they are finally putting Indiana Jones onto DVD? Well, buy it through clicking on my link and I get money. Hooray!

To be clear on things, any money donated to me goes towards the website. I have over $400 from donations, so I'm well set for covering regular expenses of the website and have extra money for some other site improvements if I ever think of anything (I may do flash animations in the future). Suggestions on what site improvements I could spend that money on would be appreciated.

Money I get from t-shirt sales or ads goes towards my personal finances to fund future, evil ventures. Muh ha ha ha.

Rating: 2.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (23)
July 11, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:26 PM | Email This

Rachel Lucas seems to have a huge obsession with her dog. I think the dog might make a great Chomps, but she needs to look a lot angrier. Maybe she could tape Sunny's lips up to make it look like she is growling.

Oh yeah, today is link to people who linked to me day, via Technorati.

Laurence Simon damns me to hell, even thought I am kind to blogs with less links than mine like his and Scrappleface (I’m ranked 19 today, even above Rachel Lucas and John Hawkins; I wonder how long that will last).

Windrider thinks I do entertainment and art reviews. Huh? Anyway, that's a weird page he found.

Hoplites has more natrulization questions. I like his answer to 21.

Acidman has his own comments on the concept of posses.

Jason contemplates fanfiction of my In My World™ segments, but basically those are fanfiction of the current administration.

Tim has not read my Nuke the Moon essay. Go tell him to.

BTW, I have a video of me using aikido on someone. It was taken with my digital camera (i.e. it has no sound) and I've gotten it down to a nice little 200kB file, but it's sideways and I would like to remove the last few frames of the video. Anyone know how to fix it for me?

UPDATE: Blaster fixed the video for me. Maybe I should add in some over the top sound effects, though.

Rating: 2.2/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Frank Answers: Coco the Gorilla, Looting the Dead, the Bright Light Reflex, Aquaman is a Gay Frenchman, and Jupiter's Red Spot
Posted by Frank J. at 12:02 PM | Email This

Coco “the signing” Gorilla asks:
Do you want a piece of me?

Hey, you don't intimidate me with your massive strength and your simple understanding of human language. You mess with me, and I'll kill your cat.


Ken Nevin from a shack somewhere in Montana asks:
Is taking guns and ammo from de-activated foreigners considered "looting" the dead according to the Geneva convention? What if your gun is broke or they just have a better one? Would it be OK to trade?

Well, I'm no legal expert - actually my only experience in the legal realm was once punching a lawyer - but I'm pretty sure that if you shoot and kill someone, then all their stuff is yours. Fore'ners usually have crappy AK-47's, though, so take them at your own risk.


Carridine from Funkytown, USA asks:
What is the "bright-light" reflex?

That's the reflex Gizmo from the Gremlins has that causes him to scream, "Bright light! Bright light!" when he sees a light. Heh heh; let's dunk him in water.


Brooks from Medical Lake, Washington writes:
I have been sharing your wonderful writings with some of my co-workers, which was just fine, but then one of told me that Aquaman was actually gay, which I don't personally have a problem with, and even worse, French! (which I DO have a problem with.) Is this true?

Sounds true. To be honest, I've never read an Aquaman comic or even remember seeing an episode of Super Friends. So, does Aquaman actually fight villains or anything, or does he just swim around talking to fish (oh, that's got to be some interesting conversations... not!).


George S. from Sixth Street, Austin, TX asks:
What is the Big Red Spot on Jupiter? It's not some marketing gimmick by an Earth-bound company, is it?

I thought it might be some big marketing ploy by 7-Up too, so I built a probe in my backyard and launched it towards Jupiter to find out. We'll just have to wait for it.

...

...

So, uh, how's that local sports team?

....

...

You know, I've started to have thoughts about... Oh! It's there. Let's see what data it reports back.

Hmm... there is in fact a spot that is big and red. Seems to be some storm... but there is a radio signal coming from it. Let's see...

Whoops, the probe just plunged right in there. I can still get some communication back. Wow, seems to be a voice on that radio signal:

"I am Zoloft, ancient demon who has been imprisoned in the red eternal storm of this giant planet. Your meddling has now freed me such that my wrath may once again go out about this universe. First, I will start with your pathetic planet, the one that is second orb from the sun. Muh ha ha ha!"

Heh heh, dumbass. He's going to attack Venus. Anyway, there is your answer. 7-Up imprisoned an ancient demon there as some marketing ploy.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 1.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Frank Answers
Peace Gallery Update
Posted by Frank J. at 11:26 AM | Email This

The Peace Gallery has been updated! We have a man who's ready to fight both Maximus or your modern street punk, a woman ready to defend her kids, a new candidate for Chomps (who I don't think quite cuts the mustard), and me prepared to go to the corner store to buy some milk and bread.

Now get more pictures in! More!

Rating: 1.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Frank Advice for Democrats to Win the Presidency
Posted by Frank J. at 10:48 AM | Email This

Wow, watching the race for Democrat presidential candidate is exciting as anyone could win... even crazy nutjobs! Now the Democrats will decide whether they will send up some moderate to be trounced by Bush or some peacenik liberal to be supremely trounced by Bush. It's just part of human nature to root for the underdog at times, so I'm going to give the Democrats some advice for actually winning the presidency next year.

* Murder the Clintons: The Clintons are going to try to suck all the oxygen out of the room so that no other Democrats can be popular. They want you to lose in 2004 so Hillary can run in 2008. Kill them both... and Terry McAuliffe as well. Do it secretly so as not to anger your base, or do it publicly to win some independents and Republicans ("Hey, them Democrats ain't so bad; they murdered those Clintons good!").

* Taint the water supply with LSD: LSD will make people paranoid and irrational, and thus more likely to vote for a Democrat... or a Libertarian.

* Make it so that convicts can vote: Thieves and murderers tend to lean towards the Democrats, plus they'll be sure to vote for you if you promise pardons. I might even like the idea to suddenly saturate America with criminals; that will make more support for my posse initiative.

* Murder President Bush: He's too popular, so kill him. Maybe then you can run against the more vulnerable Dick "Ah! My Chest!" Cheney. Of course, it could backfire, and you could be running against a Rumsfeld/Rice ticket who will seek vengeance.

* Defeat all terrorism: Get some guns and some mercenaries and quickly go out and defeat all terrorism. With national security no longer an issue, people will begin to worry about piddling crap again that are the Democrats' main issues.

* Change the rules: Quickly change the Constitution so that the president is decided by a disco dance competition. Could also backfire.

* Add and remove states: Make fun of the South until they secede again. There goes a lot of votes for Bush. Now get Canada to join ("We like Democrats, eh.").

* Confuse seniors: Whoever is the Democrat candidate, legally change his name to George Bush to confuse people.

* Whine. Whine. Whine: Whatever happens, go with your strengths.

There you go, Demoncrap Democrats. Best of luck, and may the most weasely win.

NOTE TO ANY GOVERNMENT TYPES WHO MAY ENCOUNTER THIS SATIRE: We here at IMAO (meaning me) certainly do not actually endorse the assassination of President Bush (hell I voted for him and plan on doing so again). I also do not endorse the assassination of the Clintons or McAulife; they should only be killed after due process of law.

Rating: 3.7/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (14)
July 10, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:49 PM | Email This

A lot of you gave me nice tributes for my blogiversary, but I don't know what to say to this one.

Wow, you can meet some weirdos in those personals. Blaster's comment to that post is just awful.

The Emperor is sick! It's time for a usurpation to wish him well.

Acidman has the naturalization quiz, and I have to say at least two of the questions he listed I didn't know the answer to. So what kind of grade do you have to get to be an American?

Rating: 1.8/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Crazy People, What My T-Shirt Can't Do, Wussy Firearms, and the Presence of All Colors
Posted by Frank J. at 12:49 PM | Email This

Jennifer from Des Moines, Iowa writes:
Why does your blogroll keep "moving?" It is in a different order every time I skim it in the ridiculous hope I would somehow be worthy of linkage already. Rachel Lucas at the top is the only one I am sure stays put.

My blogroll does not move, as is evidenced by that Rachel Lucas is always at top. You probably just forgot the position of other blogs on the list and thought they moved. If you keep thinking blogs are changing position on my blogroll, immediately check yourself in to the nearest psychiatric ward.


Wesley Harding Warsaw, Indiana writes:
So far the Nuke the Moon T-Shirt can deflect bullets, make you knowledgeable of all things, ward off ninga attacks, spontaneously combust all things French, and make someone who is fat, appear less so, while a skinny person would presumably become invisible. Or at least less dimensional by one. All that begs the question; Is there anything The Shirt can't do?

A Nuke the Moon t-shirt can not raise some one who has been dead for years (it only raises the recently dead), it can't turn a Granny Smith apple into gold, it can't destroy the sun, and it can't allow you to see through more than 8" of lead.

That's all I know it can't do so far.

Nate from Elmhurst, IL asks:
Why did the US military switch side arm from the amazingly cool Colt 1911 .45 Auto to the wussy Beretta 9mm? The Beretta is a good gun, don't get me wrong, its just that it uses small, crappy metric ammo...they could at least use the Beretta that fires .40, couldn't they?

I think the problem was that our military became too "kick ass", and some measures had to be taken to make wars more challenging thus to keep our troops’ interest. One such measure was a weaker sidearm that can barely kill a Commie at all, forcing one to instead use strangling or his or her KaBar. If I were in the military, I'd just bring my own .45, but that's just me. Someone might protest, but, then you'd have a .45 when they only had a 9mm, and who is going to win that argument?


Susie from Calcutta, Greenland writes:
I have heard that the color white is the presence of all colors, and the color
black is the absence of color...but when all my crayons melted into a big
puddle when I accidentally left them out in the sun, they were a sort of brownish
purple.....why is that?

Great question. The accepted belief that white is the presence of all colors was just racist propaganda made by the KKK. If it were true, then, if you wore a white shirt and got anything on it such as grape juice, then the shirt should become more white because your adding more color to it thus making it even whitier. But we all know it ain't true. White is the absence of color, which is why we draw on white pieces of paper and not black ones. The true color of all colors together is the brownish purple you saw, also known as "blurple". All hail blurple.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (23) | Frank Answers
I'm Not an Animal; I'm a Human Being!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:15 AM | Email This

Because of all that linkage yesterday, I've now (temporarily) made it into the
"Mortal Human" category in the Blogosphere Ecosystem. I've even passed my archnemesis fellow blogger Scrappleface in links. Hey, Scott Ott, you keep working on your humor and I'm sure one day you'll have as many links as me.

There is now also rankings by traffic, but I had disabled my site meter so I look a bit pathetic on that ranking scale. I put it back up now, so I hopefully I can fix that.

Rating: 1.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Posse Power!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:08 AM | Email This

Whatever happened to the posse? Used to be whenever something went wrong, a group of angry people with guns would get together and take care of it. Nowadays, it always seems the answer is to sit on one's lazy ass and either ignore it or call the police. Well, I'm tired of that; I think it's time to bring back the posse.

Think of all the advantages to the posse:

* It's an outdoor activity: Nothing like getting fresh air when walking around angry with guns.

* It involves exercise: Exercise comes in the form of walking… and sometimes punching and kicking.

*It involves brainwork: You have to figure out who the perpetrator is to a 55% degree of certainty before you rough him up, and that takes detective work.

* It helps you meet people in your community: Either from them joining the posse or you roughing them up.

* It's an excuse to openly carry guns: Guns are cool.

A posse to me sounds like the American way: people taking things into their own hands. Well, next homeowner's association meeting, I'm going to bring up the idea of the posse committee, which I will head. Something goes wrong in our neighborhood, people come talk to me and I'll get together a group of considered citizens to handle it. Chair missing from the cabana? When we find out who took it, he'll wish he had never been born. Someone trample through my neighbors prized begonias? One we take out his kneecaps, he won't be trampling through anything no more. Something knock over a trashcan at night. Probably raccoons, but it could be ninjas. Better get the posse together.

I think I'll take my shotgun, my .45, and my samurai sword (in case it is ninjas), and then I get a big group armed to the teeth and start questioning people.

"What do you know, kid?"

"I just learned my ABC's today, mister."

I pick the kid up by his collar. "Don't get wise with me! What do you know about that trashcan getting knocked over last night?"

"You're a mean and scary man!"

I squint my eyes. "You just think I'm mean and scary now."

Man, that sounds so cool. And think of how great a posse will be in places where there is actual crime. Maybe I could write a book on posse etiquette to help other people start their own posse, putting forth rules on how to alternate who gets to do the roughing up so that no one feels left out (the main part of a posse is making friends). Why hasn't anyone brought up this idea before? Oh yeah, because only I am super-smart enough to have thought of it.

Hey, I hear Saddam is still on the loose and worth 25 million dollars. Anyone interested in getting a posse together and go finding him?

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (23)
July 09, 2003
Thanks Everyone
Posted by Frank J. at 09:53 PM | Email This

Thanks everyone for the links and attention today! And to think, I barely had to threaten you at all. A common question will be what will happen to those who didn't link to me, and the answer is that they will slowly but surely be destroyed, starting with Instapundit who is quickly running out of time to appease me.

For everyone else, since I've now had a year to get used to this, expect even higher quality blogging this next year that makes that will make this first year look like utter crap. Thanks again to everyone for being my readers; your viewership is the main thing that keeps me going.

Rating: 3.0/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Blogiversary Gift
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM | Email This

If you want to give me a gift for my blogiversary, more pictures for the Peace Gallery would be great. I got a little video clip now of me doing an aikido throw which I will add in later.

Rating: 4.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Know Thy Enemy: IMAO and Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 12:27 PM | Email This

* When I first made named my site IMAO, I thought the meaning would be obvious to everyone. My only fear was that some people would think I was declaring solidarity with Chairman Mao (when IMAO.com wasn't available, the suggestions given were icommunist.com and imarxist.com).

* When on blogspot, comments were labeled "IYAO".

* The original tagline of IMAO was "No problem is so complex it can't be solved by proper firearm usage." Later, with the help of Laurence Simon, I made a randomly rotating tagline which included "Political musings of a dumb smart guy." (and "Political musings of a smart dumb guy."). The reason "Political musings of a dumb smart guy." was settled on was that was the tagline Rachel Lucas picked when she made me a banner for my switch to MT. I don’t have the list of taglines on me right now, but I’ll put them up later tonight.

* I first heard of Scrappleface when he put in the comment section of one of my posts "If you want to see a related parody, go to..." I was a little flattered at the time that someone thought I had enough readers to bother siphoning off them, but, in the end, I dismissed Scrappleface as an annoying upstart.

* Despite their popularity, Glenn Reynolds has never once linked to an In My World™ post, knowing that people would find it too funny and it would grow my power too much to have that many people see one.

* According to the Blogging Ecosystem today, I need 1067 more links to catch up on Instapundit. So, come on, start linking!

* I was born June 4th, 1979, so, despite my young age, technically my life spans four decades.

* My last name does not start with a 'J'.

* In a fight between IMAO and Aquaman, IMAO would win because of Aquaman's piss-poor hacking skills.

* Aquaman is just the lamest superhero ever. I mean, he's completely useless on land and only marginally useful in water (he can breathe underwater and talk to fish). Maybe he could be a really good lifeguard, but superhero seems to be aiming to high.

* I am proudly the number one Google hit for "I hate Michael Moore".

* I don't like monkeys.

* I own the URL bombfrance.com, but have yet to do anything with it. I was hoping to make a signature drive like Not in Our Name where I would collect signatures of people who wanted the U.S. military to bomb France. I would then e-mail the petition to everyone in Congress.

* I receive very little hate mail. I've often seen liberals link to my posts saying, "Hey, look at this great Rumsfeld bashing."

* Hot chicks in their twenties who are single and find me irresistibly handsome and witty should e-mail me immediately.

* I'm hoping to somehow expand IMAO into some super-conglomerate where I make lots of money. I like money.

* I am thankful for all my readers, and I love everyone one of you.

Rating: 2.5/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (65) | Know Thy Enemy
In My World: The Hunt for the Rumsfeld Strangler
Posted by Frank J. at 08:45 AM | Email This

"It's been months and still no lead on the Rumsfeld Strangler," the police chief chided his officers, "So I've decided to bring in some outside help. Straight from San Francisco homicide division, meet Harry Callahan."

"Just to get things straight," Harry announced, "I do thing my way and no one messes with me."

"I just want to say that..." the police chief started to say, but Harry grabbed him by his collar and pointed his .44 magnum at the chief's head.

"Are you talking back to me?" Harry demanded angrily.

"This isn't going to go well on your review," the chief answered.

"I don't care about my review," Harry answered, putting away his gun, "I only care about catching my man. So what evidence do we have on this so called 'Rumsfeld Strangler'?"

"We accidentally burnt it all," answered one of the detectives.

"Why?"

"We were cold and wanted a fire."

Harry looked to the chief. "Are all your people this incompetent?"

"Pretty much. O'Brien is going to be your partner, by the way."

"And it's a great honor to be working with you," O'Brien said, "I hope that we can..."

Suddenly a sniper bullet came through the window and killed O'Brien. Everyone was shocked except for Harry. "Don't mind this," he says, "Always happens to my partners. I'm better off working alone."

"So what's the plan?" the chief asked.

"I cruise the streets looking for evidence, end up in some blood bath, you take away my badge, and then I finally get the perp in a violent conclusion."

The chief thought about this. "Could I just take away your badge now to speed things up?"

"Don't mess with me!" Harry warned and then stormed out of the police station.

* * * *

The Rumsfeld Strangler's most recent victim had been a mugger in the inner city. It was a dangerous neighborhood, but it was strangely quiet now that hoodlums had been turning up dead. Harry Callahan inspected the chalk outline, and he then looked at a nearby dumpster that looked like its sides has been torn apart by something's teeth.

"What are you doing here, pig?" demanded a voice from behind Harry. He turned to see five thugs standing behind him.

"I'm looking for the Rumsfeld Strangler," Harry answered, "What do you know about him?"

"I know that we're going to handle him and his dog," the leader answered, "Not some stupid cop."

"A dog?"

"Yeah, he is known as 'El Perro Loco Diablo', but we’ll kill the beast just the same as we'll kill you if you don't get out of here, pig." The thug pulled away his jacket revealing a handgun as the rest began to ready their weapons.

Harry just smiled. He then drew his .44 magnum, quickly shooting the five before they could retaliate. The leader lay on the ground with a wound in his shoulder, eyeing his handgun that lay nearby.

Harry pointed his gun at the thug's head. "I know what you're thinking, punk, did I fire six shots or only five? To tell you the truth, in the heat of the moment, I lost track myself. But, being this a Desert Eagle, which holds 8-rounds in a clip with possibly a ninth chambered, the question is quite moot. So, you got to ask yourself, do you know what 'moot' means? Well do ya, punk?"

The thug looked between the barrel of Harry's gun and his own gun, and finally raised his hands. Harry then used his foot to kick the other gun out of the way.

"I gots to know," pleaded the thug.

Harry smiled. "The main definition of moot is 'debatable', but I was using it in the meaning of 'of no practical importance; irrelevant'." He then turned to leave. "I got all I need here. Now get off the street before I fine you for littering for getting your blood and your friend all over the street."

* * * *

"We here at animal control would sure love to help you, Detective Callahan."

"You better!" Harry shouted, grabbing the man by his collar and pointing his gun at the man's head, "Because I have a short fuse."

"Apparently," the man said meekly, "Anyway, we've heard about the dog you're looking for. Loves to chase cars, and tends to rip them to shreds if he catches them. Especially hates any that are fuel efficient. I can tell you where he tends to chase cars the most."

"Then maybe I'll let you live," Harry said, putting away his gun.

"So is this how they do things in San Francisco?" the man asked nervously.

"You don't want to know how they do things in San Francisco."

"Alrighty... so do you want to adopt a puppy before you go. Any that are still here at the end of the week go to Glenn Reynolds… and we all know what he does with them."

"Well I'd just use them for target practice," Harry responded, "Just like I'm going to do with you if you don't give me the info I need."

"Geez," the man sighed, handing Harry a map, "There is this little word we call 'please'."

* * * *

Another bad neighborhood filled with even worse people. As soon as Harry Callahan entered the area, he was greeted with a number of smiles that didn't look at all friendly. He picked out a large group of tough looking punks to question. "I'm looking for a savage dog and the man who owns him."

"We ain't talking to you copper!" shouted on of the thugs.

Harry pulled out his gun and shot the man. "Anyone else not want to talk to me?"

"You can't just shoot people!" protested another.

Harry shot him. "Anyone else want to tell me what I can and can't do?"

"Hey, man, I don't want any trouble," said one thug, raising his hands.

Harry grabbed him and pushed the barrel of his gun against his head. "Well maybe I do. Now you're going to tell me what I want to know, or I'm going to pull the trigger. I used to think a .44 magnum could take a man's head clean off with a single shot, but it actually penetrates right through it and then through the building behind it and then maybe hitting a little girl playing hopscotch outside. So, do you want little girl being shot on your conscience, or, more precisely, do you want me shooting your conscience all over that little girl?"

"Just, calm down!" the thug shouted, "We saw that dog and the crazy man just yesterday. He tried to strangle Chico!"

"Yeah," Chico responded, "I thought I was done for, but then he saw this French Diplomat drive by, and, apparently, there is nothing he hates more than French diplomats. I think the guy's name is Pierre Rudepierson, and he's going to appear tomorrow on Meet the Press after the interview with Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist to talk about the what he feels is wrong about American foreign policy."

Everyone stared at Chico.

"So what? I like watching the Sunday Morning talk shows. Can't a murderous thug keep up on current events?"

They kept staring at him.

"Ah, people and their stereotypes."

Harry let go of the man he's holding. "I might be back later for more questions... or just to kill you all."

"Okay, but you should really think about taking some anger management classes."

"I shot the last man who suggested I need anger management!" Harry said angrily. He then thought for a moment, and then shot the thug. "Now I've shot the last man who suggested I need anger management."

* * * *

"You're out of control, Callahan!" the chief shouted.

"I'm just getting my job done," Harry shot back.

"The rest of our Homicide Division is tied up investigating the homicides you've committed during your homicide investigation. Pretty soon, you'll have killed more people than the Rumsfeld Strangler."

"And I've almost cracked the case," Harry answered, "So why don't you shut up before I shut you up."

"I think it's time I take your badge."

Harry flung his badge at the chief's face. "It never suited me anyway."

"And your gun."

Harry grabbed the chief and pressed his gun to the chief's head. "The only way you are getting my gun is bullets first."

"Then eject the clip and remove the round in the chamber," the chief.

"No, I mean I'm going to shoot you."

"Oh, I get it," the chief chuckled, rolling his eyes, "Duh, that was a threat. Keep your gun then."

* * * *

Chomps carefully inspected the pictures on the wall. When he found one that particularly enraged him, he ripped it down and tore it apart with his teeth.

"Nice dog you have there," Harry commented.

"What's so nice about him?" Rumsfeld answered.

"Didn't think you were booked on Meet the Press today, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld," Harry said, "So what are you doing here."

"I'm waiting here to strangle Pierre Rudepierson... and maybe Tim Russert if my arthritis doesn't act up."

"Kind of coy about this, aren't we?" Harry asked.

"Can we talk about this later? I have someone to strangle."

"We talk about this now," Harry demanded.

Rumsfeld saw Pierre coming by. "Fine, we'll talk as I strangle." He grabbed Pierre by the neck and started choking him.

"I know you're the Rumsfeld Strangler," Harry said.

"So? I leave notes saying as much. Don't want other people taking credit for my strangling."

"Well, it has to end."

Rumsfeld dropped Pierre dead to the ground. "You're that cop they brought in from San Francisco," Rumsfeld declared, "You're the one shooting all those street punks. Those are my street punks to kill. Why don't you go back to San Francisco and march in a gay pride parade or something."

"First, I have to take you in."

"For what? Strangling some thugs and some French people? Is that the kind of future you want for the next generation? One where French people walk around unstrangled. Don't you have real criminals to take care of? Or at least some pot smoking hippies to hassle?"

"It ain't my choice. I'm just enforcing the law," Harry answered, his hand near his gun.

All the while, Chomps ignored the scene, jumping up on to a table so he could bite a light fixture that was really, really pissing him off. "Well, I guess you gotta do what you gotta do," Rumsfeld said, parting his coat to reveal his handguns. "It's your call."

* * * *

"I've got the Rumsfeld Strangler," Harry announced to the police chief as he stood next to the body bag that was about to be carted off to the morgue.

The chief unzipped the bag. "It's Pierre Rudepierson."

"Yes, he's been behind the stranglings all along," Harry explained, "And, when I confronted him, he strangled himself."

"Just like you'd expect a Frenchman to do," the chief said, "Still, one thing doesn't seem quite right..."

Harry grabbed the chief and put his gun to the chief’s head. "Are you questioning me, punk?"

"I haven't looked it up yet, but I'm pretty sure there's a rule against pointing a gun at your boss."

"I only know my own rules," Harry said, putting back his gun.

"Anyway, your expense report is too much for us," the chief said, "Either you have to shoot less people or get a cheaper brand of bullet. I think it's time for you to head back to San Francisco."

"Fine with me," Harry answered.

"Just one more question, Callahan."

"What?"

"Do you anything about that dog outside who’s ripping apart my Hyundai with his teeth?"

"Yeah," Harry answered, checking the bandages on his left hand, "If you're giving him a dog biscuit, throw it; don't hand it to him."

Rating: 1.8/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (19) | In My World
IMAO's One Year Blogography
Posted by Frank J. at 07:18 AM | Email This

It's my first blogiversary! One year before today I started IMAO, and now I'm well read enough to demand that every blog link to me today or there will be punishment. How did I get to this point? Well, I decided to go back through my blogging history and record my rise to power. Hopefully it will be of interest to anyone thinking of starting their own blog.

Read More...


Rating: 2.9/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (49)
July 08, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 11:59 PM | Email This

Real quick, because I'm up too late trying to write the posts for tomorrow.

Jim decides to encourage my wrath. He might think it's funny now...

Semi-celebrity Britney Gallivan, who has folded a piece of paper 12 times, visits my comments section to dispute my assertion that an executive order can only be folded 7 times. Well, she's the expert.

Remember, linking to me on your front page tomorrow is MANDATORY. When you link, remind others of its critical nature to link to me.

Rating: 2.5/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Frank Answers: Gratuitous Linkage, Neocons, and T-Shirts That Scare the French
Posted by Frank J. at 12:43 PM | Email This

Dave from from asks:
Will you give me gratuitous linkage in return for a promise upon my honor of gratuitous linkage on 9 July? Or do I have to bribe you more directly, such as by buying a Nuke the Moon T-Shirt?

No, linking to me tomorrow is expected of all blogs and will win you no special favor. There is only punishment for those who don't comply. Buying a Nuke the Moon t-shirt and sending in a pic for the Peace Gallery does get you gratuitous linkage, though.

Johnny from Podunk, TN (Go to BFE, hang a left) writes:
I checked my "Funk and Wagnels" and could not find the word Neocon. I was curious because it sounds something like Comic-Con, or maybe has something to do with a past criminal record. I think I knew what it meant when I had my "Nuke the Moon" shirt on, but it's in the wash now. Could you clear the air for me?

The exact definition of Neocon (short for neo-conservative) is "dirty Jew". They are the ones who are tricking Bush into wars for the benefit of Israel. Jooooos!!!


Sean Riley from Sydney, Australia writes:
The Peace Gallery has done a brilliant job of highlighting the wonderful applications of the Nuke the Moon t-shirt. In particular, the power to get French people to surrender to me has appeal. It's always a nice ego boost. That said, are you absolutely certain that, well, any t-shirt wouldn't have the same effect? Have you done any studies on the matter?

To be honest, probably most shirts from ThoseShirts.com will cause the French to surrender, as will many variety of dogs, a few types some types of hats, and a German accent, but the Nuke the Moon shirt is especially good at it, it's aura of power even causing some French to drop dead in fear. In one study, someone was sent walking through Paris wear a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, and, for that day, spontaneous combustion of Frenchman increased by 1000%. Other, more inferior shirts, though, could actually attract French to you and make you think French or hippy thoughts, so you really have to be careful. If I were you, I would only wear the Nuke the Moon shirt to be on the safe side.

BTW, it also deflects bullets.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 1.9/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12) | Frank Answers
If It Can't be Solved by Kill'n Foreigners, It Can't be Solved
Posted by Frank J. at 08:13 AM | Email This

I haven't said much about the conflict in Iraq in a while, as there isn't much that is funny about the current situation where the troops are getting attacked every day through guerilla tactics. In response, President Bush told the terrorists, "Bring it on!" and this made the Democrats whine like all 'ell. So, to get some comment on this situation, I turned to Buck the Marine:

Hi, Buck the Marine here. Getting some stability in Iraq will probably not be an easy thing as there are still many foreigners in Iraq who are alive who shouldn't be. They think they can attack American troops, and that is a big miscalculation on their part - considering, of course, that the foreigners like not being dead. Some people think we can stop them if we can prove Saddam is all blowed up. You see, Saddam is a really evil man - he's like extra-foreign - and making sure he's dead would be very helpful to peace and discourage his supporters. Well, while I think it would be great to kill Saddam (just as I think it's great to kill any evil foreigner), I also believe that attacks can be stopped without it. Personally, I've never known a diplomatic situation that can't be solved be killing more foreigners, and I think that's just what we have to do here. Just like, if a dog does something bad such as chewing up a shoe, getting on the furniture, or failing to bite a hippy, you would train him by hitting him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, you train foreigners from doing something bad by kill'n 'em. Eventually, they will say, "By doing this bad thing, Americans kill us, so we should stop." Now, it's now easy to train foreigners, as it takes time, energy, bullets, and stabbing, but it's worth the effort to help keep our troops safe.

Some people are angry at Bush for telling the bad guys to, "Bring it on," but that seems perfectly fine to me. We don't like the foreigners hiding around and waiting to attack us; instead, we like them out in the open where we can kill them good. Currently, many troops are going days without a chance to kill foreigners, and that is hard on their morale. Now, personally, I wouldn't have said things exactly the way Bush did; what I usually yell out to foreigners is "You die now!" or, to be more clear, "You die now 'cause you foreign!" That's just me, though, and everyone has their own style of dealing with evil foreigners.

Anyway, God please watch over our troops out there and keep them safe, and, if it so pleases You, smite a foreigner or two. But don't kill too many; that's our job. Ooh-rah!

Rating: 3.4/5 (5 votes cast)

Comments (12)
July 07, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:22 PM | Email This

Fritz, who uses his photoshop skills to pretend he has a twin named Frank, has a top ten list of stupid questions people ask twins.

Wizbang has a list of all the blogging Kevins. Damn, that's a lot of Kevins.

Rachel Lucas has a lot of pictures of her dog who looks way to happy to be Chomps.

A reader sent in this neat joke. Go to Google, type in "french military victories" and hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.

Also, as a point of order, I'm 24. I've gotten a lot of e-mails recently where people don't seem to know my age. Maybe I should have an FAQ with actual answers to it...

Rating: 2.3/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Frank Answers: Dealing With Enemies of IMAO, Scrappleface, North Korea, and To Whittle
Posted by Frank J. at 12:44 PM | Email This

Jon from Richmond asks:
How will non-linking Blogs (Enemies of IMAO) be "destroyed" (Hint: Answer could potentially involve deportation to the moon, followed by aforementioned nuking)?

Revealing how I plan to destroy my victims would ruin a good amount of the fun, but, I assure you, a blacklist will be made of all blogs who slight me by not giving me a front page link to my blog on my blogiversary (this Wednesday), and punishment will be dealt. All those foolish enough to defy will forever know July 9th as the beginning of their end.

Some may think it's uncivilized of me to threaten people to link to me, but, hey, it's my blogiversary and I can threaten if I want to.


Bill from Waco, Texas asks:
Would you consider ScrappleFace an IMAO inhibitor?

Ha ha; very clever. Nothing can inhibit IMAO! Nothing! According to the Truth Laid Bear blogging ecosystem today, now 71 links separates me from Scrappleface. Soon, I will surpass him, and then he will be downgraded from "archnemesis" to "fellow blogger".


Jeff from Hell (a.k.a. Northern California) writes:
Riddle me this. Why aren't all the North Korean's dead yet? Is it because their poofy haired leader is really a space alien in disguise? Or is North Korea just over a soft spot in the earth's crust, thus creating an atmospheric protective bubble around it? Please explain.

You must understand diplomacy. When dealing with someone with poofy hair, the outcome can be quite unpredictable. This is why we are moving more gradually against North Korea. There time will come, though, when they will finally learn that the main flaw inherent in Communism: if you are Communist, America will eventually bomb the crap out of you.


Scott from Chicago, IL writes:
Why is it that my boss got mad when he told me to Whittle down my report, and I then proceeded to make it even longer? I just don't understand.

While in the blogosphere, Whittle is synonymous with huge beyond mortal comprehension, to most people whittle means to chip away at and reduce in size.

BTW, scientist estimate that, by the year 2006, the blogosphere will have increased by a factor of 20,000%, 99% of that increase simply being one of Bill Whittle's essays.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.3/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (5) | Frank Answers
Frank Discussions: Interviewed by Maripat
Posted by Frank J. at 08:41 AM | Email This

Maripat of Right We Are has interviewed me; this time it's a more serious one.

Rating: 2.4/5 (9 votes cast)

Comments (1) | Frank Discussions
In My World: I Am Ah-Nuld!
Posted by Frank J. at 08:37 AM | Email This

"The economy is still not improving," President Bush announced, "I need new ideas."

"How about more tax cuts?" offered one the president's advisors.

"I don't know if that will work," Bush said dubiously.

"I got it!" exclaimed another advisor, "Even more tax cuts!"

"I like that!" Bush responded, "Let's go with it."

Suddenly the doors to the conference room burst open as two secret service agents were thrown to the floor. Then a large man walked in. "Your puny secret service agents tried to stop me," the man announced, "but I will see the president whenever I please. I am Ah-nuld!"

"And who are you?" the president asked.

"I am Ah-nuld!"

"Oh, Arnold Scwha... uh..." Bush paused for a moment. "Well, we all know your last name. What do you want?"

"I wish to become governor of California, and I demand your support or I will crush you!"

"No problemo," Bush said, "I fully support your efforts with the recall."

"I have no time to wait for recall," Arnold shouted, "The voters are puny; they reelected Gray Davis. I will crush them! I take governorship now! I am Ah-nuld!"

"So what are you planning?"

"You will fly me down to California now, and I will crush Gray Davis for he is puny. Then I am governor. I am Ah-nuld!"

Bush thought about this for a moment. "I like your moxy; let's do it." He called up his staff. "Get Airforce One ready; it's time for a road trip!"

"Just one more question," Arnold said, "What is this dog that is biting my leg?"

"Oh, that's just Chomps, the world's angriest dog. Gnawing on your leg is just his way of saying he likes you... or is it his way of trying to sever a major artery and kill you? I forget; to be honest, I try to stay as far away as I can from that horrible thing."

"Ha! His bite is puny; he will never gnaw through my leg! I am Ah-nuld!"

* * * *

"Governor Davis, you were supposed to get those bills signed," the governor's aide reminded him.

"I was going to," Governor Gray Davis said, "but I broke my pen and forgot where my other pens are."

"You are so incompetent!" the aide exclaimed, "You have to get things together before your disapproval rating get any higher. People are actually moving here from other states just to hate you."

"Is it really that bad?"

"Haven't you been watching the news?"

"I was going to," Davis said, "but I accidentally took the batteries out of the TV remote and couldn't figure out how to put them back in."

"Ah!" the aide exclaimed, "You are so incompetent!"

Suddenly they heard a loud crash. "What happened?" Davis cried.

The aide looked out the window. "Apparently a Humvee has crashed through the front of the mansion."

The doors to Gray Davis's office were kicked opened. "I am Ah-nuld! I am governor now!"

"Now just wait one moment," a befuddled Gray Davis responded, "You can't just barge in here and..."

"You are puny! I will crush you!" Arnold yelled and then picked up Gray Davis and threw him out the window. "Now I am governor! I am Ah-nuld!"

"You can't just become governor by throwing the current governor out the window," the governor's aide protested.

"You are puny too!" Arnold shouted and then picked up the aide and tossed him out the window.

"Wow, democracy in action," Bush said, having followed in behind Arnold into the office, "It's a beautiful thing to behold."

Soon the press had sworn into the office as well. "I am Ah-nuld!" Arnold announced, "I am governor now!"

Do you really think you can take the governorship by..." one reporter started to say, but Arnold then grabbed him.

"Do you question me? I am Ah-nuld! You are puny; I will crush you!"

"No, I'm not questioning you, Mr. Governor," the reporter said meekly.

"How about you, President Bush," said another reporter, "Do you support this violent coup?"

"I wouldn't call it a violent coup," Bush answered, "If you look at California law, storming into the governor mansion and throwing the current governor out the window is a perfectly legit method for the succession of power."

"What part of California law says that?"

Bush started laughing. "Come on; what's the chance I know anything about California law? I was just bluffing."

"So, Arnold, why is there a very angry dog chewing on your leg?"

"I do not know and I do not care. His bite is puny; I am Ah-nuld!"

* * * *

"Former-governor Gray Davis was critically injured by being thrown out the window of his office, that critical wounding getting 62% approval from California voters. This means the new governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is off to a strong start. On the subject of the budget deficits, he said quote, 'The deficits are puny. I will crush them. I am Arnold.'"

"Just when you thought California couldn't get any screwier," quipped the anchorwoman.

"Speaking of screwy, in San Francisco today..."

Rating: 2.4/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (15) | In My World
July 06, 2003
Sunday Puzzle Solution
Posted by Frank J. at 01:07 PM | Email This

Congratulations to super-smart Alan S., who once again solved the Sunday Puzzle. The clue was in this part:

"Sorry, but Frank always says the truth; he isn’t going to fib… Oh! Nachos! I’m going to go eat now."

The secret message was hidden with Fibonacci sequence, which is why there was all those extraneous characters; it was the easiest way to get things to line up right. The best way to find the message was to copy the Links of the Day™ post into Word, disabling the hypertext, and then use a combination of highlighting sections and using Word Count (looks at characters including space (but excluding carriage returns) to find the letters that corresponded with the Fibonacci sequence.

1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21 34 55 89 144 233 377 610
i i (space) n t e n d t o f i g h t

"I intend to fight"

No one seems to have found the secret message from the Links of the Day™ from June 23rd to the 27th. I said in the first one that I would not have a secret message, but if you look at the first letter of each Links of the Day™, it spells out "I lied". Similarly, there is a secret message from the past week.

I'm not doing a puzzle today, but how many people would be interested if I did more in the future? I think they would be more like the first one with first having to solve encoded headlines.

Rating: 2.5/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (1)
Looking For Love in All the Wrong URL's
Posted by Frank J. at 12:52 PM | Email This

As I mentioned earlier, I put up a profile on Match.com along with a video (Amphitryon is nice enough to host it here). I've put off the pursuit of love for a number of reasons (for one, I barely have enough free time to get done what I want to do as a single guy), but now I've finally decided to give it my all, both trying some internet methods, and, more preferably, more conventional methods. Only problem is that I'm completely clueless. I'm quite shy in person, and it's usually had to be the woman who approached me. Well, I'm tired of waiting for serendipity, so I'm ready to put my shyness and perhaps my dignity aside to make a serious attempt here. I was just hoping that my readers, whom I assume must be very smart people (who else would read me) might have some tips. How am I going to find an intelligent woman and not some floozy? Work is a bust, because I spend all my time there stuck in a lab among other engineers. So where else do I go? What else do I do? Advice from female readers will be particularly appreciated.

I will be returning to regular humor broadcasting tomorrow, with a huge number of post planned for Wednesday, my blogiversary.

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (37)
July 05, 2003
Trinity
Posted by Frank J. at 01:11 PM | Email This

I was going to post anything today, but I jsut sat down this morning and read all of Bill Whittle's essay Trinity. I hear Guinness is knocking at the door to declare it the longest essay ever. Well, it's worth every word and it should be required reading in public schools for a discussion on what America is about. Whitler has not only topped himself with this one, this essay is so good and uplifting that the FDA may be classifying it as a drug, only to be handed out by prescription to those with the most sever cases of anti-Americanism. If you have ever listened to a word I said, go read it now.

Rating: 4.3/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (3)
July 04, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 12:47 PM | Email This

Here are some patriotic links.

Bill Whittle has finally put out his new essay.

Lori has the story of Independence Day with a little more detail than mine.

Emperor Misha I has his own tribute to the U.S. of A. As does Michele (with more links).

Kim du Toit compares and contrasts the U.S. and the E.U.

And, if you have never read it, here is Isaac Asimov's essay on our national anthem... all four stanzas of it.

Finally, here is the Declaration of Independence. Spread the message.

Rating: 2.0/5 (1 vote cast)

Comments (4)
You Better Recognize!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:29 PM | Email This

Happy Independence Day! This is when we celebrate the founding of our kickass country, the United States of America. For any international readers whoa aren't as familiar with U.S. history, here is a brief history lesson:

A Brief History of the Creation of the United States of America

Back in the day, Christopher Columbus discovered a new continent... Well, I guess he didn't really know is was a new continent, but the important thing was that he thought the world was round when everyone else thought it was flat... Or maybe most educated people did think it was round then...

Anyway, let's forget Columbus. The important thing is that a new continent was discovered (and, if I understand science correctly, something is only counted as being discovered when someone in Europe has heard of it), and a bunch of people all fed up with being so European went to this new continent to form colonies and live like they pleased. So the colonists were chillin out, maxin, relaxin' all cool, but Britain started like bossing them around even though the country was like a million miles away. They was taxing the colonists and imprisoning them until finally, the original crew, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Ben Franklin, Abraham Lincoln... no, wait, he was later.

As I was saying, the original crew formed a gang known as the Found'n Fathers, and they said to the British, "Funk dat!" and they threw all their tea into the sea 'cause we's a coffee drink'n society, biotch! So they wrote the Declaration of Independence, a document that said we had God-given rights, and, if you don't respect them, we f**k you up. They signed it on July 4th, 1776, and our new nation was formed.

Of course, the British didn't like that none, and thus there was the Revolutionary War. And there was much kung fu fighting. Despite the British being this big empire, and despite them having their Red Coats, their cannons, their ninja assassins, and their robots from the future, we still handed them their asses 'cause no one can whup an American. Then the British all fled back to Britain or to the dire wastelands of Canada.

So now we got America, the baddest country their ever was. And if you don't like it… that's coo', 'cause in America you can believe and say and do whatever the f**k you want. Hells yeah!

But stay off of my lawn or I'll shoot you.

Happy 4th. Peace, I'm outta here.

Rating: 1.0/5 (2 votes cast)

Comments (6)
July 03, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 09:20 PM | Email This

Right Wing News made CNN.

Chett comments on the scandal of Pixar and the disappearing breasts.

Fritz, who is possibly a Communist, has a nice little lecture on logic in arguments.

No one has yet found the secret message from the Links of the Day from June 23 to June 27. If you can find it, e-mail me the secret.

Rating: 2.7/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Peace Gallery Update
Posted by Frank J. at 08:54 PM | Email This

The Peace Gallery has been updated. We have a French woman who knows not surrender, a man with a quite enviable arsenal, a new picture of me with a handgun and some liquid courage, and the first candidate for Chomps.

Get more pictures in! Also, I'd like more candidates for Chomps, so find a really angry dog, put the shirt on him, and take a picture.

Then run.

Rating: 2.5/5 (3 votes cast)

Comments (2)
Adventures in Online Dating
Posted by Frank J. at 08:34 AM | Email This

I decided to give in to the hype that online dating isn't just for losers anymore, so I checked out Match.com (I have a friend who got hooked up through it). So you can put up a profile for free, but, if you want to contact someone, that costs money! But, they had a special that if you made a video, you get two weeks free. Hey, nothing to lose! So I dusted off my internet cam, made a video, and put up a profile (look for tantex if you're curious). I submitted three picture, a black and white head shot (black and white because I wasn't able to photoshop out the purple under my eyes from my poor sleep habits), my picture of me being a samurai, and one of me photoshopped in the Matrix shooting people. Ends up they rejected the samurai one, but kept the other two; ah, well.

So what makes a good profile? Like, what do them broads want to hear from a guy? And when I send out an e-mail, what's the best way to hook them in? I was thinking of a starter like, "Hey, baby, it's your lucky day; Frank's a calling!" Suggestions would be appreciated.

UPDATE: I don't know how to get a damn link to my profile that isn't linked to my account. Anyway, Fritz, on the subject of online dating, says, "Run fool, run!" while Amy has a more positive outlook. I say I ain't got nothing to lose for trying. Maybe I'll make more of a subject for this on Sunday.

Rating: 2.1/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Nuke X
Posted by Frank J. at 08:24 AM | Email This

So now Iran and North Korea are trying to scare us with their building of nukes, but we don't seem that riled. Actually, I think it's a great strategy to just ignore them entirely; the main reason someone makes nukes is because they want attention. So, if I were Bush, here is how I would play it if Kim Jong Il and Iran's leader (I forget his name; let's just say Ed) started blustering about their nukes:

Ed: Ha! Infidels! You will soon be at the mercy of our nuclear power!

Jong: Yes, are nukes are very big scary! You no push us around.

Bush: Whatever. I'm watching T.V. You guys go have fun with your nukes.

Ed: But are you not scared by us being evil and having nuclear power, imperialist pig dog?

Jong: Yes, we very bad and crazy!

Bush: Yeah, I'm sure you got some great nukes and all, but that's so last century. I mean, like anyone can get them off the black market these days. Hell, we're selling most of ours now that we got our... oh, I wasn't supposed to talk about that.

Ed: Talk about what, yankee monkey-faced man?

Jong: What you not tell us?

Bush: Well, reason we don't care about other nukes anymore is that now we have our... Extra Nuke!

Ed: Extra Nuke? This sounds like lies of hegemonic dog pig Americans.

Jong: Yes, you do not scare me.
(hugs teddy bear closer)

Bush: Whatever dudes. Hey, you guys want some more weapons grade plutonium? We don't need it anymore, and it's just taking up storage space now that we have our… Extra Nuke.

Ed: Hmm... tell me more of this "Extra Nuke", pig dog imperialist man thing.

Jong: Yes, what is Extra Nuke?

Bush: Well, you know how a regular nuke has a big explosion and a mushroom cloud? The Extra Nuke has... man, I can't even describe. Let's just say that when I saw the test of it, I was looking for someone to surrender to.

Ed: You do not scare me, yankee imperialist monkey pig man with a cherry on top. I think you are bluffing.

Jong: I am a little scared.

Bush: Whatever, guys. I'm a busy man. Why don't you go work on your nukes now... not like they're useful for anything more than taking care of a gopher problem now that we have our Extra Nuke, or, as I like to call it… Nuke X!

Jong: Nuke X! That is scary!
(holds out teddy bear)
Save me, Teddy.

Ed: Ha, Allah will still crush you hegemonic monkey imperial dog man yankee pigs, even with your "Nuke X"!

Bush: Funny you mention that. Allah was just about the crush the U.S. - as your crazy Islamists always said he would - but then he saw the Nuke X test and ran away.

Ed: Oh no! I thought I hadn't seen him in some time!

Jong: Even teddy cannot save me from this Nuke X!

Bush: So, are you guys going to be nice now?

Ed: Ha, we will not have to lick the boots of you...

Bush: Or I could just go back and get my… Nuke X!

Ed: No no no!

Jong: I am scared of Nuke X!

Ed: We give in, American pig dog yankee man imperial! We will allow democracy and issue a Fatwah to hug all Jews!

Jong: And I will take out all funding of my military to feed my people. And then I will resign as leader and get a job as janitor at a McDonalds!

Bush: Alright, then, I guess I can leave Nuke X where it is.

But here's the secret: there is no Nuke X! We will have just made it up! This is such a great plan. I don't know why I haven't been hired onto the president's staff yet.

Rating: 2.9/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (16)
July 02, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:18 PM | Email This

Carnival of the Vanities is being hosted by that crazy Laurence Simon. Watch out!

Zogby blog calls me a bitch for not blogrolling them and sends me this post about killing Jersey Gesse. I used to live in Jersey and I hated those damn Canadian geese.

Kim du Toit says some bad things about the NRA. But I like the NRA!

I'll be updating the Peace Gallery tomorrow after work. I know a lot of you were planning to get in some photos, so, if you can, get them to me before then. I'd also like some Chomps candidates (the shirt on an angry looking dog). Let's do some good work for this!

Rating: 2.4/5 (4 votes cast)

Comments (4)
Reminder
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM | Email This

In one week, July 9th, it will be the one-year anniversary of my blog. I will write a blogography describing my meteoric rise to fame, and linking to it will be mandatory for all blogs. Anyone who does not link to me on my blogiversary will be known as an enemy to IMAO and thus will be destroyed.

So, start thinking of presents and offerings. That is all.

Rating: 3.2/5 (6 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Frank Answers: Apes/Monkeys, Blind Samurai Showdown, and Baby Names
Posted by Frank J. at 12:33 PM | Email This

From Poosh, the Lost King of China, writes:
What is a good web-site design tool that is easy to use and please could you point me in the direction of a decent "blog provider" type thing. Also, you say you hate monkeys but what of Apes? Apes are not the same as Monkeys I was told.

Most people start out on blogspot using, where people extremely patient will be able to eventually read what you write... on good days. I prefer MoveableType, but you will need to get your own URL and hosting service for that. What nice about MoveableType is that when you link to me you'll be able to send a Trackback to the post you linked. Then people will see all the trackbacks I have for that post and say, "Wow! Frank writes popular posts."

As more Monkey/Apes, they all are the same to me and just as evil. Don't even worry yourself with that divide. Just shoot to kill.


Hodadenon from Rensselaer, NY writes:
Saw your reference to Zaitoichi and blind Samurai below. I had just finished watching a Zaitoichi marathon on cable last week. Blind samurai rock! But who do you think was the better blind samurai, Zaitoichi or Rutger Hauer in "Blind Fury"?

Well, I only saw one Zaitoichi movie so far, but, then again, there is only one Blind Fury movie. Zaitochi seemed to be able to equal in sword combat many different seeing opponents, while Hauer only fought one opponent with a sword quite awkwardly. Then again, Hauer mainly took on enemies with guns. Still, Zaitoichi seems to be the more traditionally skilled, while, on the other hand, Hauer is an American and Americans always win. I think I'll just flip a coin to decide who would win.

...crap, I don't have any change. Well, all you readers can flip your own coins: heads Zaitoichi wins, tails Rutger Hauer.


Richard R. from Moabi, Gabon writes:
What's a really, really cool name for a baby girl?

How about Zora, like that chick form Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire. Sounds like the name of an Amazon warrior to me. That's kinda cool. In all honesty, though, I really shouldn't be naming kids.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 2.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (18) | Frank Answers
In My World: Reading to Underprivileged Kids
Posted by Frank J. at 08:46 AM | Email This

"I got some questions about my book," Buck the Marine said.

"What?" Laura Bush asked with annoyance.

"Is it just the eggs that are green, or both the eggs and the ham?"

"Well, according to the picture, it's both."

Buck thought about this. "I have a moral objection to reading this story."

"You have a moral objection to reading Green Eggs and Ham?" Laura asked with exasperation.

"Well, I read this story to some children, and then one may see some spoiled meat that is green in color and go eat it. Then, someone would ask him, 'Well why would you do such a thing?' And he would reply, 'Because Buck the Marine told me it was alright, and I trusted him.' And then people would say, 'I guess you shouldn't trust Buck the Marine.' And I wouldn't want people saying that."

Laura rolled her eyes. "Fine. Read this one instead."

Buck accepted the book. "Hop on Pop!" he exclaimed, "The Bible says to respect one's parents."

Laura groaned and then handed him another book. "How about this one?"

Buck looked through the pages and laughed a bit. "Heh heh; the stupid bird can't find his mother."

Condoleezza Rice then approached Laura while dragging Chomps on a leash.

"What are you doing here?" Laura exclaimed, "and why do you have that horrible creature with you?"

"Your husband bailed since the kids laughed at him last time when he read them Hello Moon and stumbled on a sentence," Rice explained, "Thus he sent me in his place. It was Rumsfeld's idea to bring the dog. He said Chomps likes children."

"To play with or to eat?" Laura asked skeptically.

"He wasn't specific on that," Rice admitted.

"Can you control him at least?"

"I do have a choke collar on him," Rice said, "but all that seems to do is make him really angry at whoever has the leash."

Chomps saw two water fountains on the wall, and he looked between the two trying to decide which one made him angrier. He finally decided on the left one and ripped it out of the wall.

"No, Chomps! Bad dog!" Laura yelled and then struck Chomps on his snout. Chomps dropped the fountain, and then started barking and snarling ferociously at Laura. She cocked back her hand for another strike while she kept staring at Chomps sternly. Chomps quieted down quickly, but stared back just as intensely. They locked eyes for a quite sometime, but finally Chomps just snorted and turned away.

"That's what I thought," Laura said triumphantly, "Had to do the same thing when Putin came to the visit the White House."

"Heh heh; stupid bird," Buck laughed, reading his book, "That's a steam shovel, not your mother."

"I have what I'm going to read," Rice said, holding up a magazine, "It's an article about radar from Jane's Defense Weekly. I hadn't had a chance to read it yet, so it will be a learning experience for both me and the kids."

"You read one of the books I brought," Laura stated.

Rice looked at them. "Anything by Tom Clancy?"

"No, but there is a lot from Dr. Seuss."

"His books are coded Commie propaganda."

"Where did you hear that?" Laura asked in surprise.

"I just made it up," Rice admitted, "but it sounds like it could be true."

"The stupid bird finds his mother in the end," Buck said, disappointed, "I thought there would be some sort of twist."

"We were also supposed to have a Democrat here to make this bi-partisan," Laura stated, "Where is that nice Zell Miller?"

"He had to cancel," Rice answered, "but a replacement his coming."

All of sudden Laura started shivering. "Why does it suddenly feel so cold in here?"

"Hello," said Hillary Clinton, walking down the school hallway.

"Hillary Rodham Clinton!" Laura exclaimed.

"That's Senator Clinton to you!" she shot back.

"I'm still trying to undo all the damage you did to the position of First Lady," Laura said, "Plus replace the furniture."

Chomps started snarling and barking wildly at Hillary, but she hissed and barred her teeth at him. Chomps then whimpered and hid behind Rice.

"Hello, Condoleezza Rice," Hillary said slyly, "So, what are your plans for 2008."

"Wouldn't you like to know," Rice answered back with a smile.

"Anyway, Laura dear, I'm going to read to the kids from my new book Living History," Hillary said.

"Yes, I've heard about that book," Laura answered, "If you read it backwards, it summons Satan."

"Much like if you read it forwards," Rice added.

"You have to read one of the books I brought," Laura told Hillary.

"But the kids may be interested in history," Hillary said.

"Then they would have no interest in your book," Laura shot back.

Hillary became enraged. "Do not cross me, librarian; I will destroy you!"

Laura thought of a number of things she wanted to say in response, but instead just stated, "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish," as she shoved a book to Hillary.

"I thought of a better ending for mine," Buck said, "It has a shoot out and everything. Can I read the kids the new ending?"

"No," Laura told him sharply. She saw some more people coming down the hallway. "The press is coming, so everyone be on their best behavior."

"I can't believe I was assigned to this," complained the Fox News reporter as she was followed by her camerawoman.

"Even your cameraperson is a leggy blond?" Laura exclaimed, "Does Fox News do all of its recruiting from Hooters?"

"Sometimes strip clubs," the Fox News reporter responded. She then spotted Buck. "Why haven't you called me?"

"I was on a secret mission," he answered, "I didn't even know what kind of fore'ners I was kill'n."

"So what's this all about?"

"We're reading to underprivileged kids too dumb to read themselves," Buck explained.

"Is reading important to a Marine?"

"Not really; most of the places we go all the writing if in crazy fore’ner gibberish that one can't be expected to read anyway."

"Hey, where is Chomps?" Rice asked, noticing she had an empty leash.

"I want my mommy!" cried a child, who Chomps was holding up in the air by his collar.

Both Rice and Buck slowly approached Chomps. "Drop the kid and you get a treat," Rice said softly.

Chomps turned and ran off down the hallway, still holding the kid. Rice and Buck chased after him with the Fox News reporter and the camerawoman following the action.

"I guess your reading to kids is a disaster," Hillary cackled, "The office of First Lady must be too much for a poo' wittle wibrarian like you."

Laura steamed. "You, me. Outside. Now!"

* * * *

"Laura Bush program to help get underprivileged children to read ending up being a disaster when Chomps, rated by the Guinness Book of World Records to be the world's angriest dog, ran off holding five-year-old Billy Johnson in his mouth. He eventually dropped the kid unharmed when the dog found some history books that particularly enraged him. Most of the books were damaged, primarily the section in each that had to do with the sixties. Hillary Clinton also ended up with an injury, a black-eye and swollen lip she reportedly received from a fall.

"In other news, North Korea is now actually launching nuclear missiles at us, and we still don't give a rats ass. We now turn to our expert..."

Rating: 2.8/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (22) | In My World
July 01, 2003
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:56 PM | Email This

Amphitryon responds to me and Courtney about ambitious women vs. the stay at home mom.

NRO pointed out who has to be the most idiotic political staffer in existence, and Emperor Misha I gives him a damn good fisking.

The Dissident Frogman points out a big insult to those who died at Normandy, and Rachel Lucas has a few choice words. Give 'em 'ell for me.

Rating: 2.3/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (3)
Frank Answers: Donkey Kong, Mountain Lions, and Mindless Eradication
Posted by Frank J. at 02:42 PM | Email This

Bill (AKA Graumagus) from Poplar Grove, IL writes:
The Nintendo company makes video games that feature a brave, immigrant plumber as a hero valiantly fighting the monkey menace in some of their wares. In others the evil Donkey Kong and his extended bastard family are falsely touted as the good guys. Is there a schism in the Nintendo management between those who are slaves to the simian conspiracy and those who are fighting for good? Or is the entire company evil incarnate, with Mario used as a pawn to lull the anti-monkey consumers into buying games, creating more funding for their fiendish plots?

My father had a great saying about trusting the Japanese: "Don't trust the Japanese." Now, I can't say I'm completely sure of all the details of the japanese-italian-simian consipracy with its extreme anti-turtle bent, but I know I'm suspicious as all 'ell. I just say keep an eye on Pearl Harbor and watch lots of anime looking for hidden messages.


Ryan from Colorado asks:
Any ideas how I can get the town council to let me have a Mountain Lion to take care of all the pesky prairie dogs running around my condo complex, oh, and the kids running around the parking lot too?

Just argue that prairie dogs and annoying kids are plentiful, while mountain lions are quite endangered. You'll be able to get a whole bunch of annoying environmentalists behind you with that argument. So now you may be saying, "But I don't want to get near any annoying environmentalists!" Well, once you have the mountain lion, you sic him on them. And they can't fight back or they'd be harming nature. Stupid, mauled environmentalists.


Bob from Dufeldorf, HA writes:
One of my mind-numbed liberal friends recently presented me with this
inane question: What possible benefit would come from mindlessly
eradicating an entire group of beings? Fortunately, I knew that you would have an answer.

Exterminate him, and the rest of your liberal friends. And do it mindlessly. The answer will come to them in their eradication.

* * * *

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject "Frank Answers" and include your name and town after the question and blog URL if you have one. Since I like the whole name and town dynamic, if you don't give me a place you're from, I'll randomly select one.

Rating: 1.9/5 (7 votes cast)

Comments (3) | Frank Answers
Know Thy Enemy: Hurricanes
Posted by Frank J. at 08:28 AM | Email This

Hurricane Bill has been downgraded to a tropical depression, so, just after the nick of time, here's some info on hurricanes. I have lived in Florida for over two years now, which, though I've never actually seen a hurricane, makes me qualified to talk about them from all the second-hand information I've heard. So, without further ado:

FUN FACT ABOUT HURRICANES

* Hurricanes involve wind... and rain too, I think.

* Hurricanes only attack near the coastline, because further inland is ruled by the tornados who don't take kindly to other weather anomalies moving in on their territory.

* The main differences between a hurricane, a tropical storm, and a depression are their spellings and pronunciations.

* Jerry Fallwell says hurricanes are caused by too many people being homosexuals, so stop it already, guys; those storm windows look hard to put up.

* I talked to some guy who said he shot a hurricane with a .45, but that didn't stop it. A .44 magnum probably will, then.

* A true samurai should be able to stand down a hurricane and defeat it with one mighty stroke of his blade. I won't do it though, because it might mess up my sword.

* I just saw this movie Zaitoichi about a blind samurai, and it was really cool.

* I've strayed off topic.

* When a hurricane attacks, most people will flee inland, which will mean the beaches will be nice and empty for those of us who aren't a bunch of pussies.

* Hurricanes used to always be given female names because hurricanes are destructive, random, and capricious, just like women. That custom was stopped, though, when women got all whiny and moody about it.

* No one is sure what causes a hurricane, but it comes from the sea so the most likely candidates are Poseidon, sea monkeys, or France. We should do a preemptive strike against all of them.

* A hurricane, unlike the platypus, does not lay eggs.

* If a hurricane charges you, just strike it on the nose to ward it away.

* In a fight between a hurricane and Aquaman, Aquaman would end up stuck in some power lines somewhere with no fish to talk to.

* In Mexico, Aquaman is known as Hombre del Agua.

* I've gone off topic again.

* This arab guy I met told me that hurricanes are just a Zionist conpiracy to run up insurance costs. Joooos!!

* Most times we'll have plenty of notice for a hurricane because it will storm in right off the sea. Sometimes, though, it will sneak in wearing a hat and a trench coat. If you see someone in a hat and a trench coat, pull them off and shout, "Aha! A hurricane!" Most of the time, it will actually be some guy and you'll look pretty stupid, but, if one time it actually is a hurricane, people will be like, "Wow! You're smart."

* All hurricanes want is attention, so the best defense is to just ignore them, even if it rips off the roof of your house.

* I once thought I saw a hurricane, but it ended up that it was a gopher.

* That was sort of on topic.

Rating: 2.7/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (32) | Know Thy Enemy
 

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