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September 30, 2004
First Post Debate Reaction
Posted by Frank J. at 10:52 PM | Email This

For those who watched the debate, would John Kerry have gone to war with Iraq or not? I'm still confus-ed.

Anyway, I took tons of notes and will have a full analyzation of the debate tomorrow morning.

Be honorable, ronin.

UPDATE: I have a special exclusive on the debates. I'll show you tomorrow.

Rating: 2.6/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (37)
Debate to the Death
Posted by Frank J. at 07:43 PM | Email This

I'm going to watch the presidential debate as soon as it starts. If you don't feel like catching it, I'll report everything you need to know tomorrow... and maybe have a new Know Thy Enemy™ if you're all good.

Later, sportsfans.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (30)
All the Colors of the Rainbow
Posted by Frank J. at 07:42 PM | Email This

New crazy theory: maybe the orange Kerry is a way to color code the different Kerrys with all the different positions. Soon we'll see a blue Kerry, a red Kerry, a yellow Kerry, and maybe a purple Kerry. Each color Kerry will have it's own differently nuanced position of the day.

Frankly, it sounds like a good idea.

So what color Kerry will we see tonight...

Rating: 1.9/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Our National Things Can Beat Up Your National Things
Posted by Frank J. at 01:13 PM | Email This

The House has voted to make the oak the national tree. I guess that's all fine and good, but trees all look the same to me. Why not some more national things? Like, we have our national bird, but what about a national animal? I say the T-Rex... if it doesn't have to still be living. Here are some other national ideas:

National Amphibian: The American Hellbender, baby. Its name is wicked sweet.

National Fish: The dolphin.

National Factoid We Don't Care About: That the dolphin is not a fish.

National Firearm: I'm partial for the 1911, but I'm thinking it should be the peacemaker to piss-off all the Europeans who think "cowboy" is an insult.

National Country We Hate: France. It's part of being an American to hate France.

National Simpsons Quote: Lots of good quotes to choose from. Here's my suggestion:

Homer: Do you want it done right or do you want it done fast?

Marge: Like most Americans, I want it done fast!

National Action Movie: Die Hard. Taking out terrorists with a cowboy attitude. Yippee-ki-yi-yay, mother...

National Monotreme: Platypus or Echinda... how does one choose?

National Food: Stewed monkeys... or hotdogs.

National Attitude Towards Terrorism: Kill the Bastards!

National Made Up Kung Fu Move: Lunging Dragon Kick

National Blog: IMAO. My blog best represents America. If you don't like IMAO, you're a damn Commie!

National Insult: Damn Commie!

If have any opinons on these or ideas for other national stuff, put it in the comments... the national comments!

Rating: 2.1/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (88)
Blogosphere Blocks Part of Media
Posted by Frank J. at 11:31 AM | Email This

The media says that part of the Patriot Act was blocked by a judge, but the blogosphere says to the media that's bull-pucky.

Why you so stupid, stupid?

Maybe the media will start running its stories past the blogosphere in the future before showing them nationally.

Also, since I'm part of the blogosphere, remember that I'm smarter than the MSM and to listen to me first.

Rating: 1.7/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (5)
Hope is on the Way! (Hold for Laughter)
Posted by Frank J. at 10:24 AM | Email This

Kerry tried using humor, and it was big news. Yes, he bowled them over with his "How can he possibly be serious?", left them rolling in the aisles with his, "blah blah blah" and "you bet your boots," and nearly killed the audience with all his changing horses mid-stream jokes.

Honestly, Kerry has a lot of potential for humor, and me, a professional humorologist, has some tips for him.

First off, the pratfalls are funny, but they're more funny if he just laughs goofily afterwards instead of yelling, "That son of a bitch Secret Service agent knocked me over!" Also, I love his secret plans bit. "I have a secret plan for Iraq!" he says and, "I have a secret plan for North Korea!" while accusing Bush of "Secret plans to take away your milk!" and "Secret plans to draft your children!" That's wacky crazy, but it still needs some work. Maybe has a prop, he can have a folder labeled "Secret Plans" that he guards with extreme paranoia. Also, he had a great setup for a joke the other day when he said, "I have had only one position on Iraq!" but he didn't have a good punch line. Here's my recommendation: "I have consistently held only one position on whether the war in Iraq is right, and that position is 'Maybe!'"

Then again, Kerry seems more like a straight man, especially considering he hasn't even mastered the comic timing of Lurch. Maybe he could team up with Edwards (if that guy is still alive; anyone seen him?) and for the comic duo of "John and John." Then they can play jokes off each other:

Kerry: Hey, Eddie, why did the chicken cross the road?

Edwards: I dunno, Kerry, why did the chicken cross the road?

Kerry: I served in Vietnam!

Of course, Kerry really seems to be going all out with comedy now that he dyed himself orange. Just combine that with his bunny suit and my recommendation of dying his hair red, and he'd be hilarious. I just don't know if we want someone that dedicated to comedy being president, though, but he could be a wacky host of a kids show.

Strangely, you'd think someone so French-looking would go for humor by yelling, "Oh lady!" in a high-pitched voice. Maybe that’s something he can try at the debates tonight.

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Do My Shutters Work Against Lava?
Posted by Frank J. at 08:45 AM | Email This

Mt. Saint Helens is not near Florida, right?

Rating: 1.8/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:35 AM | Email This

All I ever hear about Al-Jazeera is about some new video from terrorists they broadcast. So, is Al-Jazeera actually a news stations, or are they more like public access for terrorists?

I say I'm not sure and thus we should bomb them to be on the safe side.

What do you think?

Rating: 2.0/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Links of the Day - Early Edition
Posted by Frank J. at 08:24 AM | Email This

Man, commutes without traffic lights suck.

Anyhoo, usually I wait for Links of the Day™ to be the last post of each day, but there are some good links to start out with.

CBS stepped in it again by doing a story about a draft coming back which is nothing but an urban legend. Bill at INDC Journal got to speak to a CBS reporter and producer about why in the world did they do such a story. BTW, you can go to Washington Post and vote for INDC Journal as best inside the beltway blog while you vote for me as class clown (yes, I'll take any plublicity I can get).

Pay Pal has ruled that Daily Pundit is no longer evil and fit for general consumption. Hooray!

Finally, SarahK now has the next day of our first adventure out together which involved going to a Dave Mathews Band concert. I guess I should write my own version later. I'll just say now that it's true she actually bought herself the edited version of Eminem's CD's (there's like four non-bleeped words per song) and I was stopped by security when trying to get in the concert.

Oh, and we are plotting something special together... Muh ha ha ha!

Rating: 1.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Everyone Involved with MoveOn.org Is Just Like Hitler
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 06:38 AM | Email This

 Ever notice how everything MoveOn.org is reminiscent of Hitler?

 Of course you have? How can you not?

 They have extreme views and demean all those who disagree with them... like Hitler! In their Hitlerian viewpoint, all who are opposed to them must be crushed or reeducated, and they will attack with Nazi energy any who try and stop them. Plus, they’re funded by a billionaire with a weird accent. Know who else has a weird accent? Hitler!

 Do you doubt me? Then let's go through the Hitler checklist:

 Propaganda: Check!

 Belief in Superiority: Check!

 Blames All Their Problems on Others: Check!

 Puts People in Ovens: Probably!

 How can you sit there reading some stupid blog while Hitler like Nazism goes on as we speak? Are you lazy? Do you hate America? We need to stop these people! They will try to reeducate us with their brainwashing commercials until we are drooling sheep like them! But, if we stand up against them, evil Soros (Soros = Hitler) will use his money against you. Look how they’re mindlessly attacking Gallup polling now. Next, they’ll probably attack Plato for inventing logic which is constantly used against them. How long until they are defaming your grandmother or accusing you dog of being a scheming Jew? Three days to a week at most.

 So how can we stop Nazi-Hitler MoveOn.org Hitler-Nazis and their Goebbels like propaganda? The same way we stopped Nazis and Hitler in WWII - by saving tin. Yes, save all your tin. Only through tin can we stop liberal, muckadoo, Nazi, Hitler crazies. If you waste tin, you might as well have a lobotomy and join up the NaziMoveHitlerOn.org. They may put out their propaganda to make you not save tin, but you can just ignore or mock it the same as all their other ads.

 Yeah, that's right, you Hitleresque MoveOn.org Nazis; we have tin!

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such theological books as "Islam Means Peace and Other Ironies" and "The Separation of Church and Monkeys: The Case Against Hinduism."

Rating: 1.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Editorials
September 29, 2004
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:30 PM | Email This

Michelle Malkin talks about blog mobility in the ecosystem. I've tried for a while to find out what's a good way to make a permanent increase in traffic, and so far sending obviously forged documents to Dan Rather has worked best.

Once again, John Hawkins has the latest from the DU crazies so you don't have to wade through the putrid swamp yourself.

Finally, IMAO has entered the world of Sims. Soon I shall rule all universes! Muh ha ha ha!

Rating: 2.6/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Still Need Help!
Posted by Frank J. at 06:31 PM | Email This

I tired using a different browser and upgrading MT-Blacklist to 1.6.5, but I still get a "Could not save your blacklist data: Got a packet bigger than 'max_allowed_packet'" error when I try to update my spam list. Help! I'm being drowned in spam and I can't stop it!

Rating: 2.3/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (18)
I've Got My Spine, I've Got My Orange Kerry
Posted by Frank J. at 06:19 PM | Email This

Now, many people have asked me, "Why is Kerry orange?"

Kerry has said that he got a tan while playing touch football at Harvard for one hour, while the Harvard paper noted his odd coloration before the game of football.

Yes, the man can't even tell the truth about something as simple as a tan (or, in this case, an oranging).

Many think Kerry must have gotten some sort of spray treatment to tinge him orange in imitation of a tan. Other say that maybe he is a coral snake. These ideas are also unfounded.

The logical explanation is that Kerry purchased a thousand boxes of those generic popsicles that come in cherry, grape, and orange. He then discarded the cherry and grape popsicles and melted all the orange popsicles in a large vat in which he then soaked himself. This is a common French/pagan ritual which dates back hundreds of years. Kerry is obviously planning to use black magic at tomorrow's debate, so Bush better bring his best crucifix to fight Kerry's evil, orange power.

Black magic was how Carter was elected president, and we can't let it happen again!

Rating: 2.3/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Move On... To Indiscriminate Killings!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:40 PM | Email This

Have you see what Moveon.org's latest target? It’s Gallup. Yeah, the pollster. They're attacking the pollster because it is projecting Bush ahead... like every other scientific poll.

Have these guys mated with African bees or something? I mean, they're like feral beasts attacking everything that moves now. If they get this panicked going into the election, what happens when Bush wins? Will the MoveOn.org people become like the killer zombie in 28 Days, savagely attacking everyone they see?


On November 2nd, vote and then remember to pick up some shotgun shells on the way home.

Rating: 1.9/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (32)
Know Thy Enemy: Coral vs. King Snake
Posted by Frank J. at 12:41 PM | Email This

On Monday, since I still didn't have any power, I decided to take down some storm windows to let some light in my house. After laying one of the metal sheets on the ground, a brightly colored creature crawled out from under it. It was a snake colored red, yellow, and black. I knew it was either the venomous coral snake or the harmless king snake, but forgot how to tell the difference. I vowed then and there that, once I learned how to tell them apart, I would make sure to never forget again.

I decided the best way to remember things, despite my poor singing abilities, was a song. So, that night, after getting info from SarahK, by candlelight I wrote a song about it.

Want to hear it?

Here it goes...

Coral vs. King Snake Song

Rating: 2.7/5 (52 votes cast)

Comments (45) | Know Thy Enemy
No Beer and No TV Makes Frank J. Something Something
Posted by Frank J. at 10:00 AM | Email This

Sitting in my house Saturday in the dark (I had no power and my storm windows blocked out the sun), I was hot and bored as the wind still howled about me. Out of this frustration I then drew my most artistic cartoon yet:


Rating: 1.9/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (34) | Frank the Artist
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:42 AM | Email This

I will be watching the debate tomorrow. Should I do my first liveblogging, or wait for a full reaction the next day after it's over?

I vote for next day, because I have Friday off and am probably going to be lazy about coming up with posts. Plus, I've never liveblogged before... and I'm scared!

What do you think?

Rating: 2.0/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (35)
Getting My Shiznit Together
Posted by Frank J. at 08:31 AM | Email This

I still have a ton of e-mails to catch up on (i.e. read through and see which ones I deign worthy of a response). Also, I finally plan on doing a Peace Gallery update this weekend (sorry to all those who have been waiting).

Soon IMAO shall be stronger than ever. Muh ha ha ha!

Rating: 2.4/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (13)
In My World: Hurricane Jeanne
Posted by Frank J. at 07:11 AM | Email This

"Okay, I'm in Melbourne... wherever the hell that is," Melinda Hawkish said as the hotel rocked with the fierce winds.

"Good. Now go outside in the hurricane for the broadcast," Geraldo instructed.

Melinda paused for a moment. "But there is a hurricane outside," she explained slowly.

"Yes, and, for good coverage, you need to be outside in it getting blown around."

"That's idiotic!" Melinda yelled, "I'll be risking my life, and they won't be able to hear me!"

"But it makes good coverage and gives people a good feel of the storm."

"Easy for you to say when you're in New York, mustache man. How about we point the camera out the window at the moron newscasters already out in the hurricane. Then we can have a new slogan: 'FOX News: Our reporters are smart enough not to stand out in deadly storms.'"

"You don't understand," Geraldo intoned, "It's journalistic tradition to have low-paid reporters stand out in the storm."

"The public doesn't need to see me get hit by a flying mailbox to know there is a storm!" Melinda protested, "They trust us enough to believe there is one without me being in it. It's not like I'm Dan Rather!"

* * * *

"This is Dan Rather with continuing coverage of Hurricane Jeanne which has surprisingly skipped right over Florida and landed in Minnesota. Yes, I know some ankle-biting pajama wearing fanatics known as 'bloggers' are disputing this, some claiming to be from Minnesota and showing pictures that everything is fine, but we still have this evidence."

Rather held up a photo of hurricane damage with the word "Minnesota" on it.

"See, this photo, sent to us by an anonymous, unimpeachable source, shows hurricane damage and is clearly labeled 'Minnesota.' And listen to this expert."

An expert walked up to Rather. "That is clearly a label." He then walked away.

"So, you snot-nosed punks, stop doubting me!" Rather then jumped up on his desk. "I am newscaster Rather! Fear my power, or I shall report your obituary!"

* * * *

"I thank everyone for coming to this press conference," Florida Governor Jeb Bush said, "These hurricanes have certainly been very hard on our state, and the amount of them is unusual. I've consulted a while with my staff, and we came to one conclusion: God is angry at us.

"We still have two months left of hurricane season in which God can express His wrath, so I think we need to make sure we are all extra holy. No sinning; nothing to provoke His unending rage. And, in case Pat Robertson is right, all you homosexuals better quit doing your... uh... gay stuff... you know. And I'm looking especially at Miami and Key West. Just cut that out... at least until December.

"I'm going to now go burn a goat as an offering to the Lord. Disney World is going a step further and burning all of Space Mountain as sacrifice to our wrathful God. If all the rest of you have something you can give up and burn in sacrifice, the firefighters will be handing out pamphlets on safe sacrifices.

"Thank you all, and please spare us, almighty Lord! Please take your wrath out on evil Cuba and the unfaithful Fidel. They don't have much of an economy to interrupt anyway."

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (16) | In My World
September 28, 2004
Tomorrow on IMAO...
Posted by Frank J. at 08:59 PM | Email This

* A new and very special In My World™.
* A new comic.
* Me singing an educational song
* And more!

You come to IMAO tomorrow! You no regret!

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (8)
Help, Please
Posted by Frank J. at 08:19 PM | Email This

I'm trying to update my blacklist to stop comment spam, but I get this error message "Could not save your blacklist data: Got a packet bigger than 'max_allowed_packet'"

I just did the SP2 upgrade; any idea if this relates?

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Frank J.'s Back and You're Gonna Be in Trouble
Posted by Frank J. at 06:46 PM | Email This

Power and internet is restored at home (though, oddly, my landline is down which was working throughout the hurricane), and just in time for my Star Wars DVDs I got in the mail today (now I can watch Greedo shoot first, but not quite as first as before). Expect beyond normal functioning of IMAO starting tomorrow morning.

Rating: 2.3/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (9)
God is Angry
Posted by Frank J. at 04:11 PM | Email This

Know what Florida could really use right now? Getting hit by an asteroid.

BTW, to help support IMAO through these trying times, remember to visit our advertisers. Right Wing Stuff is back with more... uh... right wing stuff. Also, Great American Shirts has it so now you can be Bush's runningmate. You check them out and all other advertisers! You do so now! And then you vote!

Rating: 2.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Vote! Vote! Vote!
Posted by Frank J. at 01:58 PM | Email This

Everyone go here and vote for me as class clown! Do not whine about registering with the Washington Post, just take a minute and do so and then vote for me (and you can vote in the other categories, too, but make sure to vote for me in class clown; I don't know why I didn't make the other categories - maybe people don't take me seriously)!

I don't care if your grandmother is sick; you take care of grandmother later! You vote now!

UPDATE: You must have your own registration to vote; you can't just use someone else's because it makes sure there is only one vote per registered person. So you register and you vote now, or me make no more funny! Then you be sad and you die!

UPDATE2: My nomination for best "Inside the Beltway" blog goes to INDC Journal. Bill did some great work for memogate, including personally contacting an expert on typesettings to help get facts on the hoax. All the blogosphere gained in credibility from Bill's work, and he deserves your vote. Also, he's up against a few who definitely should not win.

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (33)
In All This Disaster Recovery, We Shouldn't Forget the One Important Truism...
Posted by Frank J. at 01:34 PM | Email This

Monkeys are out there and are evil!

FEMA really should include blogging equipment as part as their disaster recovery. What do I need ice for? I like my Doritos at room temperature.

Anyway, while I'm still getting my bearings, check out this Get Fuzzy comic pointed out to me by a couple readers. That cat Bucky knows the score.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (13)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:46 AM | Email This

So what interesting events in politics and in the news did I miss over the past couple days? If nothing, make something up.

I'm pretty sure the world stopped to wait until I was heard from again, but what do you think?

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (50)
I, I Will Survive
Posted by Frank J. at 08:38 AM | Email This

As long as I know how to love, I know will stay alive.

Hey, everybody, it's your favorite internet humorist, Frank J. I had a cold shower by flashlight this morning and then warm coke and Oreos (half chocolate, half peanut butter) for breakfast. BTW, shaving by flashlight is spooky.

Anyway, I'm at work now, but I probably won't have time for some regular posting until I get power at home. I did draw a comic borne out of frustration that's waiting to be scanned. Also, I was inspired to compose an educational song which I will record me singing. Finally, I have plans for a special In My World™ for when I have power and time to write it.

Until then, check out this comic SarahK did depicting my plight (I did have a working phone until last night). Maybe I’ll post some more today considering how much I’m able to do at work and after I catch up on politics.

Rating: 1.9/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (24)
September 25, 2004
Sometimes Other People Than Me Draw Comics
Posted by Frank J. at 06:44 PM | Email This

Here's a glimpse of the future for Florida.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (42)
Hurricane Force Winds, I Shake My Fist at Thee!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:57 PM | Email This

Going out in the golf course and shouting at the storm has been canceled due to common sense. Instead, here is an artist's renditition of what that would have looked like.

For those in Florida who do not have hats and are not mighty, be safe.

Rating: 2.0/5 (31 votes cast)

Comments (33) | Frank the Artist
September 24, 2004
I'm Invincible!
Posted by Frank J. at 07:04 PM | Email This

I now have the armor plating up on my house, so do your worst, God! I defy Thee!

(I'm kidding, Lord; please move the hurricane back towards Cuba and kill Fidel)

Anyway, don't worry about me - our troops need beer (especially after my brother joins them)!

Rating: 2.4/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Full Tank a Gas!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:45 PM | Email This

Yes! I got a full tank of gas! That's important when a hurricane is coming as evidenced by all the gas stations out of gas and the long lines for the ones that still have precious precious gasoline.

Well, I was going to write some more funny posts - the funniest posts ever - but I have to prepare for the new death storm. This one I'm just going to ride out at home, but first I have to put up those heavy, metal storm windows.

Who thinks it will be cool to go out in the golf course behind my house and shout at the storm when it hits? I'll take a majority vote on that.

Rating: 2.0/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (56)
Just Beat It
Posted by Frank J. at 10:48 AM | Email This

I mentioned this story about an Iranian woman who was trying to have a court keep her husband to only beating her once a week. The husband protested since he wouldn't be able to keep his wife obeying him if he couldn't beat her at will.

I have a better solution:

Yes, space lasers can even settle domestic disputes. So why isn't funding pouring in?

Pour in the funding! ::shakes fist::

Rating: 2.3/5 (32 votes cast)

Comments (41) | Frank the Artist
Posted by Frank J. at 08:40 AM | Email This

Stay away from Daily Pundit; it's a hate site!

Bill Quick is one of those bloggers I'll always owe, as his site helped mine get exposure when I had few readers.

Then again, PayPal says he's a hater...

Rating: 2.1/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:17 AM | Email This

What are some activities one can do when holed up in a house with no power (assume there is candle light)?

Stupid freak'n hurricanes. And don't just say reading, because I ain't that guy from the Twilight Zone with the glasses who just wants to do that for all eternity.

Maybe I can do some accounting...

What do you think?

Rating: 1.8/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (59)
Just for Kids
Posted by Frank J. at 06:30 AM | Email This

It's time for IMAO "Just for Kids" segment, so make sure no adults are around when you read this. It's just for you kids.

Are the adults gone?


Rating: 2.4/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (45)
September 23, 2004
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:40 PM | Email This

Flying Space Monkey is having his first blogiversary, plus, he has this awesome post comparing the blogosphere to Voltron which has some excellent insight on the nature of Voltron. He needs more clever post titles, though. In a post where he says the blogosphere is like Voltron, he entitles the post "The Blogosphere Is Like Voltron." What's up with that?

Also, Iowahawk has a noir thriller about Dan Rather's search for the truth. I'd kill him because his humor is becoming a threat to mine, but at least he mentions me in the story.

Rating: 2.0/5 (21 votes cast)

Comments (10)
You Don't Get a Vote Because We Can Bomb You
Posted by Frank J. at 03:11 PM | Email This

I found this editorial arguing that all other countries should be able to vote in the U.S. Presidential election since our decisions have effects on the rest of the world. To this columnist I say, dingus, the reason America is so powerful and domineering is because you guys all suck so much. You don't get the vote for the same reason ants and bacteria don't get to vote: you are small and insignificant, and we don't want your suckitude rubbing off on us. Actually, it can be argued that the reason America is so great is because we don't have people like those who populate other countries influencing us.

So stop trying to meddle in business where you're not wanted, limey, and save your energy for cowering in fear at our every action.

Rating: 1.9/5 (26 votes cast)

Comments (53)
Nuke the Hurricane!
Posted by Frank J. at 03:02 PM | Email This

This is crazy. I'm starting to feel like I'm in London in the forties under constant threat of being bombed by the Nazis.

Only a little over two more months of this left...

Rating: 1.9/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (22)
The Answers, My Friend, Are Blowing in the Wind...
Posted by Frank J. at 01:15 PM | Email This

The Republicans now have ads that show Kerry windsurfing and talk about his... uh... dynamic viewpoints on lofty issues. It reinforces he's a flip-waffler while also making him look elitist and goofy. Democrats are crying foul saying that, with all that is going on, these ads are childish. To them, I say, it's not we Republicans' fault you guys nominated a total goober.

UPDATE: You can see the Ad at Bush's webpage. There is another similar by a 527 with a surferbabe voiceover, but I don't know where that one is.

Rating: 1.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (16)
So Much to Say
Posted by Frank J. at 12:02 PM | Email This

The presidential debates are coming up, and I thought I should share some of my wisdom by telling you about the type of debates and the strategies most likely to be employed by Bush and Kerry campaigns.

* * * *


Jim Lehrer: Debate where Jim Lehrer moderates. The most common debate type throughout history.

Panel: A panel of journalists (plus one celebrity panelist such as Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley) ask the candidates questions. Each candidate is allowed to jump and pummel one and only one panelist, so he needs to make sure to choose wisely.

Town Hall: Normal, everyday morons who are undecided get to ask the candidates questions. Sometimes this disillusions a candidate so much that these are the people he's trying to win the favor of that he drops out.

Confrontational: Candidates ask each other questions directly. In some formats, checking is allowed (though no punches or you go to the penalty box).

Shots: In this style of debating, a candidate can pass on answering a question if he takes a shot of whiskey instead. It takes a lot of strategy because, while some questions may hurt the candidate, the more he drinks, the more likely he is to go off the talking points and get in trouble. This debate is timed, but it usually ends when the debate is reduced to nothing but vomiting and ethnic slurs.

Steel Cage: The candidates are locked in a steel cage. Usually has less policy discussion and more blows to the head with folding chairs. Unlike the other debates, this one always has a clear winner because ONLY ONE LEAVES THE CAGE!

* * * *


So, what are the strategies for the debaters? Since Bush is ahead, he's best not saying anything. He should respond to questions with a "Feh," "Bah," "Whatever," or a simple shrug of the shoulders. This works well since Bush don't talk so good and it keeps the heat on Kerry to produce answers.

For Kerry, he needs to make inroads. He has to show he's strong enough to be commander in chief. Maybe for that, he can casually mention he served in Vietnam by starting each answer with "Having served in Vietnam," "That reminds me of when I served in Vietnam," or "Before I answer this question, I would like to gratuitously mention that I served in Vietnam." Now, his anti-war activities may be brought up, including that he claimed he and others committed war crimes. I have the perfect response for him, though. He should say, "Yes, I did commit war crimes in Vietnam, using biological weapons on Vietnamese villages. And, to atone for that awful deed, I inject botulism into my face each and every day."

Also, Kerry has to show that he's not a flip-waffler. To do that, he should mention his position on Iraq in the introductory remarks and make sure that matches up with what he says in his concluding remarks. If he can keep the same position on Iraq for a whole debate, voters will be impressed.

For the Vice Presidential debate, John Edwards's strategy should be to stand there and look pretty... since that's about all he knows how to do. Oh, and he can threaten to sue. Plus, he needs to make sure Cheney doesn't get him in a headlock and beat the crap out of him.

For Cheney, he needs to impress upon the five or six people watching the VP debate that he isn't as mean as the Democrats portray him. That means he probably shouldn't put John Edwards in a headlock and beat the crap out of him... but I say do it anyway.

* * * *

And that's all I have to say about that. These debates promise to be exciting!

...Okay, that's a dirty lie. It should at least fill some of the time on the 24 hours news channels, though.

Rating: 2.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Tragic... Yet Understandable
Posted by Frank J. at 10:57 AM | Email This

I think this story stresses the importance of marrying a woman who does not in any way resemble a monkey. It is very tragic, but, if I thought I saw a monkey in my backyard, my policy would be to shoot first and ask questions later too.

Rating: 1.7/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Pajama Malfunction
Posted by Frank J. at 09:57 AM | Email This

K-Lo makes a great point about the blogosphere: while we were patting ourselves on the back for exposing a huge news scandal with forged documents in the MSM, we were all complete fooled by the fake Britney Spears wedding. Where was Charles Johnson using his typeface expertise on the marriage license? Where was Power Line tracking all the consitencies between the supposed wedding and a real wedding? Where was INDC Journal calling an expert on weddings to expose the fraud?

When it all really came down to the line, the pajamahadeen was MIA. In the end, the blogosphere still remains less than useless... like the U.N.

Rating: 2.0/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (16)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:57 AM | Email This

Is it okay to regime change as many countries as we want out of the principle that it's just wrong to share the planet with a culture like this that gives a bad name to humanity - and thus us all?

Actually, I think the man makes a good point in the last sentence of the article. If we don't beat other countries enough, they won't be scared enough to obey us.

What do you think?

Rating: 2.0/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:36 AM | Email This

Master Reagan was to have said:

Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free.

Liberty is not a destination, but a constant battle. Ponder this well.

Rating: 2.3/5 (30 votes cast)

Comments (11) | Ronin Thought of the Day
In My World: Unimpeachable Source
Posted by Frank J. at 06:23 AM | Email This

Previous Episode

* * * *

"Some have raised questions about our document," Dan Rather stated, "Saying it is not in fact a previously unearthed chapter of the Bible but instead is something written with a ballpoint pen on the back of a T.G.I. Friday's napkin. All this debate just distracts from the point, though, that Bush has not answered questions about whether God did command him to go to a physical and he disobeyed."

Dan Rather paused to listen to his earpiece. "We go now to a Whitehouse Press Conference."

Behind a podium stood Whitehouse Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "I just wanted to hold this emergency press conference to tell you all that nothing strange is happening."

"Is the President escaping police in the Intelligence Czar's rocket car?" one reporter asked.

"He's just taking it for a little ride," Scott answered.

"What about the stolen Iraqi oil?"

"It was temporarily misplaced, and that is being handled," Scott told them, "Let's not blow things out of proportion."

"Does the President have the intelligence to control the Intelligence Czar's rocket car?"

"That's uncalled for," Scott responded.

"So what are you going to do about it, Tubby?" the reporter challenged.

"Well... uh..." Scott stared at his feet. "Nothing."

* * * *

Laura Bush entered the war room, walked past Condi and Rumsfeld playing ping pong, and went to the communications console. "Anyone there at the Iraqi oil storage?" she said into it.

"Buck the Marine reporting, ma'am. Who am I speaking too?"

"Laura Bush. Someone has framed my husband with the stolen oil. I need you to look for clues."

"Does that involve shooting people?"


"Then I'm probably not very good at it, ma'am."

"Just see if you can find anything where the oil was."

"I did find one thing," Buck said, "It's a Democratic National Committee membership card."

"What's it say?"

"Lemme see here... 'Bill Burkett: Nutso Bush Hater and Unimpeachable Source for CBS'. Does that help?"

"A lot. Thanks, Buck." Something then struck Laura in the back of the head.

"Ball, please," Condi called out.

* * * *

"Are you the President of the United States?"

"No," Bush answered the 7-11 clerk, "Now gimme my jerky."

Bush then turned to see a familiar face. "Osama bin Laden!" Bush yelled.

Osama dropped the People magazine he was reading and ran out the door with Bush in hot pursuit. Osama then jumped in a hole.

"Dammit! Escaped down a rabbit hole again!" Bush exclaimed. He then looked down the hole and shook his fist. "I'll catch you yet, Osama bin Laden!"

Bush's cell phone then rang. "If this is the police, you're not talking to George W. Bush," Bush answered.

"It's your wife. Bill Burkett was the one who framed you. You need to head to Texas."

"Thanks, dear; will do." Bush jumped in the Intelligence Czar's rocket car and sped off. In a minute's time, he was in front of Burkett's home. Bush walked to the door and pounded on it.

"What do you want?" Burkett yelled as he opened the door.

"You framed me!" Bush yelled, "And I'm going to make you pay!"

"Ha! You'll never catch me!" Burkett laughed.

Bush shot out his hand and grabbed Burkett by the wrist. "Ha! Caught you!"

* * * *

"Well, I've been cleared of all charges," Bush told his staff, "but Burkett wouldn't admit to working with the Kerry campaign."

"You know they're behind this," Cheney said, "Big time!"

"We need to get vengeance!" Condi added.

"Don't bother me until you're ready for another war," Rumsfeld growled.

"Forged documents and now framing me," Bush stated, "That's dirty pool. It's time to strike back at Kerry and strike back big!"


Rating: 1.7/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (15) | In My World
September 22, 2004
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:13 PM | Email This

SarahK didn't make it to the American Idol finals, but you gotta love the way she exited.

Though I read Michelle Malkin pretty regularly, I missed her post about being on the Chris Matthews show (I know it was one of the reasons Zell Miller physically threatened that bastard) until I was pointed to it by the Derb.

Finally, I'm getting advice I'm not sure I'm ready for just yet...

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (26)
One-Point Plan for Iraq: Don't Elect Kerry
Posted by Frank J. at 02:32 PM | Email This

Kerry recently came out with his four-point plan for Iraq, but they were all basically what Bush is already doing... except Kerry would do it while haughtier and more French-looking. It took a lot of brainstorming for him to come up with those points, and I obtained a probably non-forged document of the rejected ideas.


10. To help fund it, have corporate sponsorship. I.e., the interim government becomes the Coca-Cola government.

9. Calm fears of allies by negotiating new corrupt deals with France over oil.

8. Don their clothing and become one of them ala Laurence of Arabia.

7. Give troops more nuanced weaponry that never does anything useful but has lots of electronics and switches.

6. See if the insurgents would be any nicer if they knew the president of the U.S. served in Vietnam.

5. Send his wife over there to give them an example of what a liberated woman is like.

4. Get people against Sadr by telling them that 'S' stands for "stupid."

3. Rename Iraq "Happy Fun Desert Land" for better marketability.

2. Have all the different factions meet at Kerry's (wife's) Cape Cod estate for a dinner party to resolve all differences over hors douvres.

And the number one rejected point for Kerry’s Iraq plan…

Run away!

Rating: 2.4/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Finally Got My First Speeding Ticket
Posted by Frank J. at 12:46 PM | Email This

Stupid cops. Always got to be hassling honest citizens like me just because I was going a little over.

Rating: 2.2/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (30)
Our Military XXIX
Posted by Frank J. at 12:37 PM | Email This

I'm about out of stories, so if you'd like to give your own explanation of why you joined the military or have a military story, please e-mail me with the subject "Military"... especially if your name is Joe foo'. Thanks.

* * * *

Nick writes about his joining the Army:

For as long as I can remember, I have always felt I should join the military. Both of my grandfathers fought in WWII, my dad was an MP in Korea during the Vietnam war, and my uncle was in the Ohio ANG. I spent 13 years living next to Ft. Knox, KY, so I was fairly familiar with the Army.

Upon graduating high school in 1998, several of my friends left for the Navy; I had plans to attend the University of Kentucky. Over the next few years, I talked with some of them, and visited my best friend, who was stationed in NASNI San Diego. It was very interesting, but I don't much care for ships and open water. September 11 came and I wanted to enlist, but my parental unit (mom) resoned that I should finish school and then join. Almost three years later I am finishing at UK; dealing with five years of ignorant, whiny, liberal people who only see their own little view of the world really irked me, so I talked to my best friend, who had just retired from the Navy and joined the Army Reserve back in KY, at Ft. Knox. He just happened to talk to the top recruiter in the region, who set up an Army Reserve enlistment package for me.

I went and talked to the SSgt., with the solitary intention of joining on the spot. He asked me why I wanted to join the Army, and I said because it was just something I felt I should do. My parents paid for my college, we're not rich but not strapped for cash, and with a bachelor's degree I could get a decent job; I didn't HAVE to join the military. All those years of college, the trend of anti-American politics, and constantly seeing people with no redeemable value badmouth the President and what our armed forces are doing in the Middle East really galvanized me.

The SSgt. got the paperwork going, and a week or so later I went to MEPS. Only once did I wonder/question what I was doing, but I quickly reminded myself of why I wanted to join. Any remaining doubt was washed away when I stood in front of Old Glory (and the Marine officer swearing us in) and took the oath. I swelled with pride and knew I had done the right thing. I'm in the DEP program, so I'll leave for BCT & AIT at Ft. Jackson, SC in late December. Right now I am an E-3, and after I get my degree/before I ship I'll be an E-4. My unit is at Ft. Knox, a training command. Within a year I'll be certified as an instructor and get to teach ROTC and future officers one or more courses like small arms, land nav, or FLRC (field leadership reactionary course). I feel better as an American, and I am proud to be serving in the Army Reserve.

MT LAGO writes about his family's military roots and why he loves the Air Force:

I will cross 17 years time in service as of this fall. I have been active-duty Air-Force (6.5 years), and 10 years in 5 different National Guard units (both Army and Air). My wife is active duty Air Force and is headed to Iraq, my "baby" brother is active duty Air force and due to deploy in the near future. I have a nephew currently in Korea with the Air Force, one in Iraq with the National Guard, and another cousin that is due to deploy "somewhere" in September. My father is an Army veteran (between Korea and Viet Nam), two uncles were Navy veterans (Korea), another was in Korea in the Army (he was "black toe-tagged" at an aid station but managed to survive), two more of my older cousins and one uncle were Air Force during Viet Nam (all in Thailand). Last but not least, my Grandfathers on both sides were Army veterans from WWI. My family has a long history of service. We do occasionally get into debates about which is the best service, but the Air outnumbers the other services by a large margin.

The biggest difference I have noticed is that in the Army, "field conditions" normally means "T-rats" and a night spent in a "GP" that smells like a combination of wet dog and mildew, if you are lucky. More likely you will be eating MREs and and sleeping under you "wubby" because you didn't get back "home" to your cot and sleeping bag. Air Force "field conditions" can range from the MRE and "wubby" for the Security Forces/PJs/Combat Comm., etc. (rare exception) to "Motel-6" with no cable-tv or swimming pool (more common). I will admit it, I like the Air Force field conditions, I like to go "camping" on my own terms. I like to go to the dinning hall and have the fine Air Force cooks make an omelet to order, I like sleeping in a heated or air-conditioned (as climate dictates) tent or motel room, I like having an air-conditioned truck to haul my troops from job-to-job. I like the fact that I am treated like a "technician" with a brain rather than being treated like a "grunt" without one. Am I a "wimp"? Maybe, but at least I am a well fed, warm, and comfortable "wimp". Aim High!

Stephen writes about the call back to duty after 9/11:

Well, I had always wanted to be a Navy officer, my father being career Navy. My eyesight was not 20/20 and I did not get a waiver for the Naval Academy so I thought it was a nonstarter. While in college I saw a recruitment ad for the Army Reserve and figured, why not? So I enlisted and did four years, sometimes taking a semester off to get some extended active duty (shows you what I found more fun to do!).

Just before my final semester I heard that the Navy’s requirements for OCS were not as strict as for USNA, i.e., vision only needed to be correctable to 20/20… so I spoke with some recruiters, did the paperwork, and was accepted. Within two weeks of completing my degree requirements I was at Newport, Rhode Island. Served eight years on active duty after commissioning and then did three years in the Reserves, but missed being at sea. So right before Saddam’s invasion of Kuwait I joined Military Sealift Command, an agency of the US Navy, and went back to sea as a Purser (ship’s paymaster and admin officer). Spent the first Gulf War as a Supply Officer aboard a Navy oiler, providing refueling at sea to carrier battle groups. Served aboard six different ships, all providing fleet support in the Western Pacific, Indian Ocean, and Persian Gulf. Seven years later, decided I had enough and left.

Boy, was I wrong (happens from time to time). Spent five years working ashore and missed the ships daily. After 9/11 I decided the job I had was not right and reapplied to MSC. They wouldn’t hire me back as a Purser, so after some thought I resubmitted my application as an Ordinary Seaman. They liked that one better, so off I went. During Gulf War II I was aboard USNS Shasta, an Ammunition Ship in the Gulf, working the hardest I ever have and having more fun that a grown man is entitled to, at least when getting paid. I am an Able Seaman now, still having fun, and planning to get a Deck Officer’s license and eventually get back into khakis. Not that there’s anything wrong with wearing dungarees, but so long as there’s an upward path I’m aiming to move along it. Unlike most civilian occupations, being a mariner for MSC gives plenty of opportunities for doing new and different things and seldom gets boring. They’ll give you as much responsibility as you are willing to take on, much like the military will.

Rating: 2.0/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (4) | Our Military
Panacea for Dictators
Posted by Frank J. at 10:27 AM | Email This

There are reports that Saddam Hussein is depressed. Aww... po' Saddam. As the cat batter mentioned, electroshock can be used to treat depression though scientists aren’t sure why it works. Just make sure the electrodes are connected to the head and not the genitalia.

But I have a better solution:

Yes, space lasers can cure a murderous dictator of anything. Help support its funding now!

Rating: 2.6/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Frank the Artist
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:13 AM | Email This

What should be done to the attacker of this soldier?

I say we at least hunt him down and put a boot up his ass (it's the American way). What do you think?

(As always, DU thinks Karl Rove is behind this)

Rating: 2.1/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (48)
To Behead or Not to Behead
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 06:29 AM | Email This

 Beheading makes you cool, doesn't it?

 No, you're wrong. It's totally uncool.

 When I was five, a kid in the neighborhood named Billy upset me. So I ran to my mom and said, "I don't like Billy! I'm going to behead him!"

 Then my mom told me, "No, Frankie, you can't just behead someone because you don't like him or disagree with him. That would make you subhuman scum."

 Then I'll never forget the words my dad told me while resting in his easy chair. "Don't go beheading people, boy, and, most importantly, BE QUIET WHEN A GAME IS ON!"

 That's when I learned that beheading is a wrong thing to do and just something civilized people shun. Apparently, though, in foreign countries, kids didn't have parents trying to watch a game to tell them that beheading is wrong, and thus they've become subhuman scum. That's why I've always been against foreign countries, but that's an argument for another day. Instead, we have the philosophical question of whether it is right to behead subhuman scum beheaders. So I again asked my mom - this time via phone.

 "Hi, mom. It's your son."


 "The one in Florida."

 "I thought the hurricanes got you. What do you want?"

 "Remember when I asked you about whether it was okay to behead someone?"


 "Well, is it okay to behead beheaders?"

 "Yes, they're subhuman scum. Kill them and make it slow.

 And then I heard my dad yell in the background, "QUIET! I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE GAME!"

 That's the advantage of having good American parents to teach you morals and also why, lacking them, subhuman foreigners should be beheaded. We should make it a nice clean cut, too. That way, the head lives for a few more seconds (I guess, from this perspective, it's a debodying) and can watch the videotape of him being beheaded and see how that's not nice at all before his head dies. Then a professional kicker will make a field goal with the head. Kids will see this and know what happens to beheaders and thus don’t do drugs and grow up to be doctors. The body will be converted to pig feed... as is dictated by their religion.

 Beheaders just aren't going to learn while they still have heads, so it’s time to get working on that.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "How to Program in C for Dummies" and "Dummies Programming in C Steal Jobs from the College Educated."

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Editorials
September 21, 2004
Tomorrow on IMAO
Posted by Frank J. at 06:33 PM | Email This

Was going to write a post on the advantages and disvantages of my different types of posts, but instead I'm going to work on cool new stuff for tomorrow and perhaps the days after including:

New comic!
New editorial!
Top ten list!
More military stories!
An explanation of debate formats and the current strategies for Bush and Kerry!

Great posts! Great information! You only get this at IMAO! You go nowhere else!

BTW, new t-shirt coming...

Rating: 2.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (26)
The Quick Way Down
Posted by Frank J. at 03:27 PM | Email This

Ow. Having now actually hiked the Grand Canyon, I'm a bit surprised this doesn't happen more often. Those rocky trails aren't exactly doing their best to keep you upright.

Rating: 2.0/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Frank Answers: Wacky Measurements, NHL Lockout, Lasers, Influencing, and Drinking Your Eight Ball
Posted by Frank J. at 12:54 PM | Email This

Katie from Mansfield, Taxachusetts writes:
The first couple of questions from tonight's physics homework, which I don't feel like doing:
1) During a hard sneeze, your eyes might shut for 0.50 s. If you are driving a car at 90 km/h during such a sneeze, how far does the car move during that time?
2) The 1992 world speed record for a bicycle (human powered vehicle) was set by Chris Huber. His time through the 200 m stretch was a sizzling
6.509 s, at which he commented, "Cogito ergo zoom!" (I think, therefore I go fast.) In 2001, Sam Whittingham beat Huber's record by 19.0 km/h.
What was Whittingham's time through the 200 m?

What's an 'm' and a 'km'. I only solve problems with real measurement values... the types used by humans. Go ask some Frenchman, and, when he starts to answer, punch him.

Pdtray writes:
I have too questions for you.
1. who do you blame for the nhl lockout? do you care?
2. are your space lasers the kind that shoot really fast in burst like PEWPEWPEWPEWPEW or are they the kind that is one big beam that cuts stuff.

1. I don't care, but I have to pretend because SarahK likes hockey. I blame... uh... the Jews.

2. That's just silly. It's a straight beam. Why would a laser have anything else? Well, some laser sights blink for better visibility, but other than that, the point of a laser is a continuous beam. It's the best way to lase.

Drew writes:
Three questions: How can we get the Muslims to switch to our side so that they go after the terrorists themselves? How can we get CBS, NBC & CNN to switch to our side? Also, when the main-stream media has lost its last shred of credibility, who will tell us what to think?

Bombs, bombs, me.

Chuck F. Chadwick
Hey there Frank J! My name is Chuck! I'm writing to you from an undisclosed film school. My website is http://classmishaps.f2o.org

Anyway, my question: What's the liquid inside a Magic Eight Ball? And if I drink it will I become powerful and all knowing too?

The liquid is mystical and magical in its properties, for within lie the secrets of the future. If you were to drink it, all would be known to you, and you would despair. For true knowledge of your future leaves you with no hope. So drink naught from the eight-ball. Ye be warned.

* * * *

If you've got questions, I've got answers... maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject "Frank Answers". Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

Rating: 2.4/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Frank Answers
Better Go Buy It Quick Before Even More Changes Are Made
Posted by Frank J. at 10:28 AM | Email This

The original Star Wars trilogy comes out on DVD today (which, incidentally, you can buy on my sidebar from Amazon.com; yay money for me!). They're doing a huge ad blitz, including using Yoda as a sponsor for Campbell's soup ("Mmm, mmm good it is."). To the anger of purists, only the special edition is being released, and George Lucas has made even more changes for the DVD:

* Since it was so unrealistic for the Death Star to have all those gaping holes, rails and safety nets have been digitally added in.

* Because most people don't realize there is a pilot named Wedge in all three movies, he now has a funky theme song that plays whenever he is on screen.

* Return of the Jedi is now entirely a musical.

* To make Obi Wan match up more with the actor who plays him in the new movies, he now has a heroin addiction.

* The Sarlacc pit monster has been replaced with Michael Moore waist deep in the sand, mouth agape.

* In Cloud city, Darth Vader now runs into the wrecked C3PO and remarks, "Hey, that's the robot I built when I was an annoying kid. Ain't that wacky?"

* To show Luke falling for the dark side, at one point he grabs Yoda and shakes him violently while yelling, "Put words in the proper order, you shriveled, green freak!"

* In the fight between Luke and Vader in the Cloud City, their lightsabers are knocked from their hands. They then go on to kung fu fight, the fight eventually leading to the tops of bamboo trees.

* To make the first movie more diverse, Snoop Dogg has been added as one of the pilots flying against the Death Star. After the Death Star is destroyed, Han Solo's line of, "That was one shot in a million, kid," has been replaced with Snoop Dogg saying, "That shot was the shiznit, honkey!"

* Through CGI, the Ewoks have been made even cuter!

* The legendary deleted unicorn dream sequence was added back in... before they realized they were thinking of the wrong movie.

* The giant space worm that swallows the Millennium Falcon has been replaced with a two times size Michael Moore.

* In A New Hope, Luke is 20% whinier.

* George Lucas thinks that Han Solo shooting Greedo after Greedo fires once still makes Han look too mean, so now Greedo fires a dozen times while standing two feet away, missing the unmoving Han Solo with each shot. When Han finally shoot Greedo, it now appears more as an act of mercy.

* Jar Jar Binks has been digitally added throughout the trilogy, doing his wacky pratfalls we all love so dear.

* When Luke removes Darth Vader's helmet, Anakin Skywalker now has no eyebrows... and the head of a monkey!

* To give Lando more character, he is now always ranting about how much he hates the Mexicans.

* Princess Leia is now a wookie. The only reason she wasn't when they first filmed it was because they ran out of yak hair.

* C3PO and R2D2 finally kiss.

* To tempt Luke to the dark side, the Emperor sings a rap song with Darth Vader using his heavy breathing to do the beat.

* While training on Dagobah, Yoda tells Luke about mitochlorians while Luke stifles back laughter.

Also, there is a DVD extra where George Lucas has a special message for fans of the original trilogy. It consists of him flipping off the camera.

Yeah, I'm still going to buy it.

Rating: 3.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (44)
Question of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 08:44 AM | Email This

I just thought of a new feature for IMAO (which I will inevitably abandon at some point when I tire of it). It's "Question of the Day" where I ask you, my readers, a question because I love hearing from you (or find it advantageous to pretend I do). Here is today's question:

What can Dan Rather do to regain his credibility?

I'm thinking seppuku. What do you think?

Rating: 2.6/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (66)
Journalistic Justice
Posted by Frank J. at 08:18 AM | Email This

Wouldn't it be cool if Dan Rather suddenly got so pissed off about the forged memos that he turned vigilante, hunting down the source of the forgeries with shotgun in hand? Then, after finding him, he breaks the guys kneecaps in a live broadcast. Rather would regain so much credibility if he did that. It's certainly what I would do if I were Rather... and not a partisan shill.

But Rather's current strategy of non-apology apologies and still pretending there is anything left to his made up story works too, I guess.

Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (11)
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:46 AM | Email This

Samurai Benjamin Takeshi Franklin was known to say:

Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.


If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun.

So, if your head is made of wax, you must stay worried and full of stress. Ponder this well.

Rating: 2.7/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (13) | Ronin Thought of the Day
In My World: W Stands for "Framed"
Posted by Frank J. at 06:30 AM | Email This

"Now we watch former president Bill Clinton making an appearance, still recovering from his surgery. We wish him well in his recovery... Oh! He's just been attacked by an extremely angry dog. Well, we wish him well in his recovery from that as well."

Kerry turned off the T.V. "Yet more news to distract from my message!"

"Which is?" Terry McAuliffe sniveled.

"We're working on it!" Kerry answered angrily. He then pointed to a window. "Look here." The window overlooked thousands of scientists in a room full of supercomputers busily working away. "These people are taking all my different statements about Iraq and turning them into one coherent vision!"

The computers started exploding.

"Dammit! That's the fourth time that happened!" Kerry closed the blinds on the window and walked to a nearby door and opened it. "In here are a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters who will soon produce the best plan for Iraq ever made."

"One of the monkeys looks like Dennis Kucinich," Terry observed.

Kerry shut the door. "He was looking for work."

"So why isn't that monkey at a typewriter," Terry asked as he pointed to a monkey that sat in a dark corner of the room, looking at them with eyes that pierced their very souls.

"That's my new campaign consultant, Chim-Chim, the world's evilest monkey. Since our forged document scheme didn't work, we need a new one."

"We should have hired a professional to produce the documents instead of just paying some kid five dollars to make them," Terry stated.

"And I want my money back!" Kerry yelled angrily, "I told him I needed documents to fool the American public, not just Dan Rather! Well, we have a new and better plan, don't we, Chim-Chim?"

"Eee! Eee!" Chim-Chim answered, the room growing cold with his voice.

* * * *

Buck the Marine spotted an Iraqi headed his way. "Hello, Mr. Iraqi," Buck said, "Please move along and live free and happy." Buck then squinted his eyes. "Or I'll kill you."

"But the oil!" the Iraqi pleased, "It's all gone!"

"What!" Buck exclaimed as he ran to the oil depository. "It's stolen!" he exclaimed. Buck thought for a moment. "There has to be someone I can kill to solve this."

* * * *

"Honey, make sure the living room is in proper order," Laura Bush told the president. "Some people are coming over to do a special on Barney."

"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney added.

Bush got up and walked to the living room. It was stacked to the ceiling with barrels marked "Stolen Iraqi Oil."

"Dear, did you steal some oil from Iraq?" Bush called out.

"No I did not," Laura said as she entered the room. "Oh my!"

"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney said in surprise.

"I'm here for that story on Barney," said a reporter as she came in the room, "We'll start with... Oh my God! It's true! The war was all about oil! Bush went to war just to get oil for himself!"

The cameraman started filming.

"We need to get the feds involved," the reporter exclaimed.

"I'm a fed," said a man who walked on in, "I was strolling near the White House when I heard a commotion. Looks like a clear case of oil thievery. I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you in, Mr. President."

"Okay," Bush said, starting to run away, "but just let me get my rocket car... I mean… lawyer, first."


Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (18) | In My World
September 20, 2004
Note to Blogosphere
Posted by Frank J. at 08:12 PM | Email This

CBS and Dan Rather are really really sorry for putting forth forged documents and doing shoddy journalism, so everyone in the blogosphere be nice to them now. Let's also not speculate exactly who the documents originated from, because that's just petty.

In other news, it is true the DNC is now giving me money, but that will not affect my blogging.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (21)
I'm Not a Highly Paid Political Consultant But...
Posted by Frank J. at 06:02 PM | Email This

As long as the Kerry campaign is scrambling to find a way to gain on Bush, how about dyeing his hair red? Red evokes energy.

"My opponent says I should take a position on Iraq and stick with it. To him I say, 'Maybe ...but maybe not!'"

Such a simple idea, yet so effective.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (26)
Just to Be Mean
Posted by Frank J. at 01:51 PM | Email This

I hear Teresa Heinz is getting fed up with the portrayal of her by the media. Being the nasty person I am, I'm going to spread my own filthy lie about her:

Teresa Heinz is completely sane.

On second thought, this one won't catch on like the puppy blending; no one is going to believe it.

Rating: 2.8/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (24) | Filthy Lies
Question for Readers
Posted by Frank J. at 12:26 PM | Email This

This is a question for IMAO readers. If you're not an IMAO reader, ignore this question.

Are there any particular type posts you want to see more of? Are there types of posts you want to see less of?

Okay, that was two questions. Put your answers in the comments section, and no wiseassery!

Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (115)
I Demand More Free Ice Cream! More!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:19 PM | Email This

I've been spoiling you people lately with all the posting, but works heating up so it won't be as frequent.

Still, I can post at any moment and you'll never know when!

Why, I could even be posting... NOW!

BTW, according to Drudge, Kenneth finally found the frequency. Took him long enough.

Rating: 2.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (6)
What Would Glenn Reynolds Call This?
Posted by Frank J. at 10:01 AM | Email This


Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Poll My Finger
Posted by Frank J. at 06:21 AM | Email This

What's with all these wacky polls? Some have Bush up by a huge amount, and some have Bush up by only a lot. Why the variance? Let's take a look at how polling is done to understand.

First, scientist create a scientifical list of people to call up using science. A good scientifical list is the most important thing to good polling. By law, cell phone numbers can’t be solicited, so people who use cell phones as his or her only phone are excluded from polling. Such people are weirdo freaks, though, and best not heard from.

Next, you need to call everyone on the scientifical list. This takes people making one nickel over minimum wage working in a phone bank. They are given a very specific procedure on calling people. Usually it goes like this:

POLL TAKER: "Hello. Would you like participate in this poll?"

POLLEE: "No!" (hangs up)

(two seconds pass; phone rings again)

POLL TAKER: "Hello. Would you like participate in this poll?"

POLLEE: "I already told you NO!!" (hangs up)

(two seconds pass; phone rings again)

POLL TAKER: "Hello. Would you like participate in this poll?"

POLLEE: "Fine! Just give me your @$%& poll!!!"

What if the person initially agrees to the poll, you ask. Then this is the procedure:

POLL TAKER: "Hello. Would you like participate in this poll?"

POLLEE: "Sure."

(poll taker hangs up; two seconds pass; phone rings again)

POLL TAKER: "Hello. Would you like participate in this poll?"

POLLEE: "I already said I would."

(poll taker hangs up; two seconds pass; phone rings again)

POLL TAKER: "Hello. Would you like participate in this poll?"

POLLEE: "Will you just give me your @#%& poll!!!!"

The most important thing when polling someone is that the pollee be very angry. Angry people tend to be more opinionated, thus making better poll data.

So what to ask? Well the most important thing when polling someone is how the questions are phrased. Consider for instance the question "Will you be voting for Bob or Ed?" versus "Will you be voting for Bob like all decent, God-fearing people are, or will you be voting for Ed along with the pedophiles?" Despite those questions being about the same thing, that phrasing will get different data. Crazy but true!

So, if you aren't getting the poll data you want, change the questions. Then you'll have polls validating what you think. It feels good, just like endorphins.

So now we get back to the question I asked at the beginning: Why are the current polls on the presidential election so different from each other? I have no idea, but that query made a good lede, don't you think?

Rating: 2.1/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (18)
September 19, 2004
Arr! That Cat be High, Says I
Posted by Frank J. at 03:09 PM | Email This

Arr! Time be it to pick the winner of last Sunday's caption contest.

Actually, the best one was from the comely lass, SarahK:

Ma, send Frank home or I'll jump!

But she is not eligible, so the winning line is:


Rating: 2.4/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Arrr! That Bilge Rat Be No Republican!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:11 AM | Email This

Arrr! Just saw the supposed Republican Senator Chuck Hagel on Face the Nation, and my immediate reactions was, "Arrr!"

He arrrr-gued all the Democrat talking points on the war in Iraq. Made me want to run him through with me cutlass, it did! I suggest he be keelhauled. Or, maybe after the election, all the other Republican senators should sneak into his house in the middle of the night with bars of soap in socks and beat the grog out of him.

I know, that's not very piratey, but it needs to be done.


So who do ye think is deserving of a keelhauling? Say so in the comments, and make sure to talk like a pirate or the one who will be hauled by said keel may be you!

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (34)
Arrr! Ahoy, Mateys!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:05 AM | Email This

Today be Talk Like a Pirate Day, so all of ye land lubbers better talk like a salty, scurvy ridden pirate in the comments.


And I refer you back to my Know Thy Enemy: Pirates. Read it if ye dare!


And also, how to say the alphabet like a pirate.


So, yeah, I don't have anything new today, but... uh... er...


Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (16)
September 18, 2004
Even Crazy People Love IMAO
Posted by Frank J. at 04:57 PM | Email This

The Democratic Underground got hold of my Bush memo forgery, and they find it funny too!

IMAO, bringing everyone together.

Rating: 2.0/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Just a Hypothetical...
Posted by Frank J. at 12:04 PM | Email This

Anyone know how well an apple retains fingerprints - let's just say if it were once gripped firmly and then thrown? And, if they can trace the fingerprints to you, could you sand off your fingerprints beforehand and dispute it?

Also, hypothetically, if you threw something at a chimpanzee at a zoo and knocked him unconscious and they traced it back to you, what could you be charged with? I mean there's no "assault against a chimp" in the books, is there? I'm not doing hard time over a chimp, I tell you!

Anyway, all hypothetical, but please get some answers back quick.

Rating: 2.1/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (40)
September 17, 2004
Frank Answers: God, Platinum, Running for Office, and C. Montgomery Kerry
Posted by Frank J. at 06:10 PM | Email This

Templar writes:
How come typical religious people cannot defend their faith as well as William Lane Craig can? And what should be done to provide an incentive for them to learn?

For more information, see his past debates at major universities:

Oh, don't get me going on about religion. I'm an avowed atheist and...

Wait, I'm an avowed Catholic. Yeah, and I don't like all this trying to argue whether God exists or not (He does). If God left things so that you could prove He exists, then how come he just doesn't suddenly appear in the sky and yell, "Look at Me! I'm God! Booga booga booga!"?

I would if I were God (when not smiting non-stop). Just my two cents plus inflation.

SarahK from Wherever You Want Me To Live, Insert State Here, asks:
When should I expect the platinum?

Platinum is really expensive, so I'm going to wait until there is a huge drop in platinum prices and then, if I still like you, I'll buy a ring.

Greg Gibas writes:
I think everyone on your site would like to know if you ever plan to run for office! So, will you? It doesn't even have to be something big like Congress, it could be something more local like Alderman or something. I'd sure as hell like to watch your press conferences as a public official!

I don't know anything about local offices or what the hell they do, so I don't think I'll run for one. I am old enough now to run for Congress, but somehow I bet statement on this site may be used against me. I think I'll remain a private citizen griping about our do-nothing politician like everyone else (good ole do-nothing politicians).

Grant G writes:
I'm glad that Frank Answers is now open to all, because I have a burning issue of which I need your opinion on: Is it me, or is John Kerry a spitting image of Mr. Burns? Picture his face over Mr. Burns' during the Simpsons episode of Blinkey, the 3-eyed fish, and you'll see what I'm talking about.

He does look like a younger Mr. Burns now that you mentioned it. Did Burns become wealthy by marrying into money?

* * * *

E-mail me your question about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject "Frank Answers". Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

Rating: 2.5/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Frank Answers
I Done Made a Situation Comedy
Posted by Frank J. at 05:03 PM | Email This

I just sent in my sitcom script for the contest on the Bravo network. It is the funniest thing ever, so, if there is any justice, I will win. If not, though, I'll publish it on my blog.

Also, to Whom it may concern: Okay, we took three hurricanes now and have a fourth on the way; what did we do? Why are You doing this to us? Is there someone extra blasphemous here in Florida, because, if there is, just tell me who to smite and he will be smoten. It's just I finally took my storm windows down yesterday, and it's tiring.

You want me to burn a goat? I'll burn a goat; I will. Whatever You want; just stop the hurricanes.

Thank You.

Rating: 2.1/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (42)
Filthy Lies: Jonah Goldberg Uses Kittens as Baseballs
Posted by Frank J. at 12:19 PM | Email This

Ha! I'll get Jonah Goldberg back for copying me with this Grade-A filthy lie:

Jonah Goldberg, the highly overpaid writer for National Review, is described to be a simpleton in real life - similar to Lenny from Of Mice and Men - and a possible danger to others. His most common violent behavior is to use kittens as baseballs, tossing them in the air and striking them with his bat. Whenever his coworkers see him in his baseball uniform carrying his bat, they’ll do their best to stop him, Goldberg protesting, "No! That Jo-nuh's bat! You mean men stay away!"

Somehow, he always gets his bat back and inevitably finds a kitten. Kittens aren't his only victims, though. Once when National Review writer Ramesh Ponnuru tried to stop Goldberg, he was struck in the head with Goldberg's bat. Goldberg was then heard to say, "Heh heh. Ramesh make red stuff!"

When asked about fellow writer Jonah Goldberg, John Derbyshire said, "Goldberg is filth."

And here is photoshopped proof of my lie showing Jonah just about to strike a kitten he tossed in the air.

"Me Jo-nuh! Me hit fuzzy baseball!"

There, the lie is complete. I'll e-mail the esteemed Rich Lowry about it and then get Jonah Goldberg's job for sure!

Rating: 2.5/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (25) | Filthy Lies
Proof of a Kerry Connection with the Forged Documents
Posted by Frank J. at 09:19 AM | Email This


Look at this document I got in the mail (I won't disclose the source to protect him):

This is a scan of the document (with my site stamped on the .jpeg). What I have in possession is not a copy. I had a handwriting expert verify that the signature is John Kerry's.

This is quite damning as it proves that John Kerry had his hands in this forged document incident and colluded with CBS News. I hope this gets lots of press attention soon.

UPDATE: Some more experts have looked at the document, and there is a great amount of evidence saying that this is not in fact a modern computer generated document, but instead was made on a typewriter in the 70's.

Once expert has pointed to the monospace typeset which is uncommon on modern word processors. Also, the corrections by pen, especially the cross-out of the spelling of the first spelling of "electro" is odd for a modern word processor since it's much easier to use the backspace key to remove a misspelled word. Then there is the "st" on 21st which is not superscripted, something any modern word processor would do automatically.

Another expert has also pointed out there are indents for each letter, something you would not get by printing out the document but would get by using a 70's era typewriter.

Finally, someone noted the oddness of the content. Kerry never mentions Bush by name, though he would be the obvious target. Also, instead of saying "computer" or "word processor," he says "electro-mechanical device," and instead of saying "fax," he says "electrical conveyance" - as if he doesn't know about the technology of this era and is just guessing. Then there is the references to flying cars, jet packs, mutants, and a nuclear apocalypse - things that don't match up with present day but might be how someone from the 70's would envision the 21st century.

But, I found an expert who said it is possible to print out a monospaced document with mistakes and correct them by pen. Also, superscript can be turned off. And, while uncommon when printing a document, it would be possible for someone to use some tool to put some indents for each letter. Why, I don't know... but we're talking about John Kerry.

As for the odd language and references, remember that John Kerry is haughty and French-looking and probably half-crazed by botched Botox injections. Thus, I don't think we can conclude that this document was a forgery made in the 70's and isn't modern.

UPDATE2: I think it's time for me to just admit I have been had. This is not a document proving a modern day conspiracy by John Kerry, but instead a forgery of a modern day document made in the 70's. I called my father, and he remembers having a run in with a haughty, French-looking man while in Vietnam. Apparently that man then vowed to one day make a fool of his son. John Kerry must have typed up that document then.

I should have been more suspicious when the name on the envelope I got this document in was "Kohn Jerry." Damn his oily hide! Well, I'll get him... and his little hopes of being president too!

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (26)
In My World: Chomps, the World's Angriest Dog - Part III
Posted by Frank J. at 09:15 AM | Email This

Part I
Part II

* * * *

"I'm Ari Fleischer."

The kid took another lick of his lollipop. "Who?"

"The White House Press Secretary."

The kid stared at him a second. "You're bald."

Ari swatted the lollipop from the kid's hand. "And you're fat."

The kid cried and ran away while Ari laughed. He then looked around the Guinness Book of World Records Museum. "Hmm, that is a lot written on that grain of rice." He then spotted a sign saying "Animal Records."

"Just what I'm looking for."

He entered the section and read a sign. "Chim Chim, the World's Evilest Monkey." Ari looked at the monkey who stared back with its dark eyes, rubbing its hands together as it plotted dark things that no good soul could fathom. "Glad he's in captivity," Ari uttered to himself. He then went to the next sign.

"Chomps, the World's Angriest Dog. Do not tap on glass. Do not stare dog in the eyes. Do not read the New York Times in front of him." Ari looked at the dog who kept barking and trying to break through the Plexiglas. "That is one angry dog."

"Do I recognize you from T.V.?" asked a woman behind Ari.

"Yes, I'm Ari Fleischer, the White House Press Secretary. Are you the curator?"

"Yes, I am. Do you need help with something?"

"Well, I'm leaving my job soon, and, before I go, I would really like to have Michael Moore mauled."

Chomps started barking and charging the glass so fiercely that it caused Ari to jump back.

"Don't say that name in front of him," the curator said in a panic, "He once got loose and into a showing of Roger and Me and, well, it wasn't pretty."

Ari grinned widely. "He'll be perfect. So, can I borrow him?"

"No, but you can take him," the curator said, "We can't afford insurance anymore with him around."

"Fine with me," Ari answered and looked to Chomps, "You're going to like it in D.C. Plenty of people need a mauling there."

Chomps considered Ari's words, and then snarled.

* * * *

"I'm going to use the defibrillator!" the veterinarian shouted.

Zatoichi's cane blocked him. "No! It is for the angry dog to decide whether to leave this world or stay. The choice lies in him alone."

"I didn't go to vet school to take orders from some blind samurai!" the veterinarian shouted back.

Rumsfeld took hold of Chomps's paw. "Come on, boy. There are too many unmauled hippies out there for you to leave now. I can strangle some of them, but I need you to rip apart the rest. Back in my day, dogs took hits from trucks all the time, and I know you're even tougher than them. So come back to us, Chomps."

* * * *

Chomps stood in darkness. Before him appeared a bright white light. He barked at it. The light then began to soothe him, but he didn't like being soothed so he barked even more.

Chomps then looked behind him to see a fiery pit of terror. Within it were hippies and Commies wailing in agony. Chomps growled, and his mouth watered at the thought of gnawing them and increasing their pain. Just as he was about to charge forward, he felt a presence behind him. From out of the light cam a kindly old man wearing a three piece suit. He didn't particularly make Chomps angry, but he barked at him anyway.

"It's okay, boy," the man said, "You really want to go maul those hippies down there, don't you?"

Chomps snarled in angry agreement.

"The thing is, you have all eternity to maul those deserving souls down there, but there are people on earth now deserving of your wrath you will go unharmed if you stay here. Do you understand?"

Chomps thought for a moment, and then remained silent. He looked between the light and the fire and saw a dimmer path out.

"That's a good boy," the man said and then patted Chomps on the head, "Now go maul a hippy for the Gipper!"

* * * *

"Get your Japanese man away from me!" the veterinarian yelled to Bush as he approached Chomps with the defibrillator.

Suddenly the candle next to Chomps bed flared up, and the wall caught fire as well. Chomps then leapt up, grabbing a pad of the defibrillator and crushing.

"Chomps, you're back!" Rumsfeld exclaimed in what for him was similar to glee.

"Angry dog has made the choice of life," Ichi intoned.

Chomps then jumped from the table and plowed straight through the brick wall.

"Go get 'em, Chomps!" Rumsfeld yelled.

"I don't care if he brought himself back to life," the veterinarian said, "I still get paid."

* * * *

"Now some have questioned whether our new document was really made in the 70's," Dan Rather said, "because it has the image of a duck about to smash a computer with a mallet on it. But listen to this expert here."

An expert appeared at Rather's right. "I'd just like to say that it would be possible to draw a duck back in the 70's," the expert said and then walked off.

"And listen to this other expert about the signature verification," Rather stated.

Another expert appeared at Rather's left. "It is in fact a signature," the expert said before leaving.

"So, now all of you pajama wearing partisans better stop questioning us," Rather announced, "and... hey, that camera looks a bit like an angry dog... AHHHH!"

* * * *

"It's nice to relax here in one of wife's houses where the press can't talk to me and get me to contradict myself, isn't it, Jeeves?" Kerry asked his butler.

"It certainly is, sir."

There was a knock at the door.

"That's not the press, is it?" Kerry asked, hiding behind his chair.

"No," Kerry's butler answered as he looked through the peephole, "It appears to be an angry rottweiler."

"Oh. Then let him in."

Kerry's butler paused for a second. "Okay, sir."

* * * *

"We need to get rid of that wall so we can blow up the joooos!" Arafat yelled, "Maybe that U.N. peacekeeper running towards me can help."

Chomps, wearing his blue helmet, burst through the doorway and grabbed Arafat by the leg. He then shook him in the air.

"It's a targeted Israeli dog attack!" one of the Palestinian terrorists shouted. "We need to do something!"

"But if we touch him, we'll be unclean!" said another.

They watched as Chomps kept shaking Arafat like a chew toy.

"It is kinda funny to watch."

* * * *

"We need to kill the Americans before they make democracy in Iraq!" yelled one terrorist, "Only crazy Islamism should rule!"

"Well, what do you think we should do, Mo-Chomps-ed?"

"Grrrowwwerr!" Mo-Chomps-ed answered.

"Hey," said one terrorist, "There's something strange about Mo-Chomps... AHHH!"

* * * *

"We now open this meeting of MoveOn.org," said the head filthy hippy, "We will never forget how Bush stole the election! We will never stop telling people how he is like Hitler! We will never forget how he got us into a wrong war with Iraq that is bad! We will never move on!"

The audience cheered.

"With us today is financier George Soros. Let's give him a round of applause."

Everyone clapped as George Soros sat quietly in his three-piece suit.

"The Bush suppression is getting worse!" shouted one hippy, "Just today, we were chased by a dog obviously working for Karl Rove. Luckily, he was hit by a truck."

"Soros, do you think you can give us funding to help protect us against Rethuglican dogs?" asked another hippy.

Soros growled.

The hippies looked more carefully at him. "I don't mean this as an insult, but Soros looks a lot like that dog who chased us."

"An angry dog."

A low growl came out of Soros.

"A very angry dog."

The suit fell off and Chomps bared his teeth.

"This is so going to harsh my mellow."

* * * *

Chomps entered Rumsfeld's house through the doggie door, yawning the world's angriest yawn.

"There you are," Rumsfeld exclaimed, "If you ever scare me again like you did today, I'll strangle you to death."

Chomps let out a lazy growl and then lay down next to Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld scratched behind Chomps's ear as the dog went into the world's angriest sleep knowing there would be much more to be angry about tomorrow.


Okay, so I didn't kill him.

Still, buy the shirt.

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (39) | In My World
September 16, 2004
Humor Delayed is Humor Denied
Posted by Frank J. at 07:39 PM | Email This

I'm hearing that my webpage is now taking especially long to load (and it may have to do with the SP2 Windows update). Any ideas to tracing what exactly is slowing it the most?

UPDATE: I temporaily removed one of the blogrolls to see if that will make my site faster.

Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (45)
I Made FOX! ...Sorta
Posted by Frank J. at 07:34 PM | Email This

Apparently Brit Hume mentioned forgeries on eBay, including one from "123 Fake Street, signed by Bush's Superior Officer." SarahK confirmed it on Tivo, but messed up recording it.

Damn, I missed it because I was out taking down my storm windows instead of watching FOX...

UPDATE: Go to FOX News, click on "Opinion" on the sidebar and then "Grapevine" to see it. I don't know how to do a direct link to it.

UPDATE2: Here's the text.

Rating: 1.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Tomorrow on IMAO...
Posted by Frank J. at 06:23 PM | Email This

Friday is going to end this week with a bang with the finale of "In My World: Chomps, the World's Angriest Dog."

More importantly, I actually have a huge scoop - an IMAO exclusive - that I'll be releasing tomorrow. Not to tip my hand right now, but I think I have some pretty solid proof linking John Kerry with CBS's forged documents.

Be sure to tune in, ronin.

Rating: 2.1/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (7)
That's About Right
Posted by Frank J. at 03:47 PM | Email This

The media has deemed us bloggers as a bunch of ill-informed fools in pajamas, but Jeff at Beautiful Atrocities takes a look at what many bloggers actually wear while practicing his or her craft (hat tip: Michelle Malkin).

Rating: 1.5/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (10)
Jonah Goldberg Ripped Me Off Again!
Posted by Frank J. at 02:26 PM | Email This

First Jonah Goldberg plagarizes my referencing Aquaman, and now he's stolen my puppy blender lies! In this article (thanks to Wacky Hermit for pointing me to it), Goldberg writes:

Dan Rather has eaten fifteen German Shepherds in the last year alone...

So I wrote to him:

Dan Rather has eaten German Shepherds? That's a blatant rip off of my famous accusation that Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit.com makes an energy drink by putting puppies in blenders.

Even stealing from me, you'll never match the genius of my editorials, such as the one I did on the forgery scandal:


That one was even linked to by the puppy blender.

Why don't you hug that, squeeze that, and name it George, plagiarizer!

No response! He's hiding now. Obviously, he's recognized that I am the way of the future so he is trying to mimic me (and doing a poor job of it). Something must be done!

So what do you think is the recourse? Should we e-mail Jonah Goldberg to get him to admit he steals all his ideas from me, or should we inform Rich Lowry so he will just go ahead and give me Goldberg's job? I need your advice, ronin, because this cannot go unanswered!

UPDATE: Jonah Goldberg says I need "electroshock." That's for depression, jackass!

I think one of my readers is right; it's time for me to use the filthy lie against Goldberg to destory his reputation just like I did the puppy-blender. Otherwise, we'll probably soon hear him claiming that Cosmo is the "World's Angriest Dog."

Now what lie should I use...

Rating: 2.2/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (42)
Mmm... Digital Crack!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:40 AM | Email This

Anyone seen Kerry lately? Has he liked dropped out of the race? Tim Blair has something about coming up with a catch phrase for him, but I've seen nothing from Kerry himself.

Then again, I've had no patience for any story other than memogate.

"Hurricane Ivan is devastating..."

"Get back to how CBS is making an ass of itself!" I yell.

"In Sudan..."

"This doesn't sound like this has anything to do with Dan Rather," I say.

Then my brother calls up and tells me, "I'm heading off to Iraq soon, and I just want you to know..."

"What does this have to do with forged documents?" I interrupt.

Man, I just can't get enough of this. It's like crack. I mean, this is the best news story ever! Nothing matches its entertainment value. I don't know how many years Dan Rather has been on the air, but he's throwing it all away to defend the most obvious forgeries in the history of forge-ology. And then there's all the attention we blogs are getting. Total blogflation - an influx of new readers for us all to share.

Also, the satire potential is unending (see this from IowaHawk and this from John Hawkins - then again, you can't swing a dead cat in the blogosphere these days without hitting a great parody at the expense of Dan Rather and CBS). I can't help but come up with more ideas myself (just stay tuned, sportsfans).

Then there's the Democratic Underground. Just when you thought the crazies couldn't get any crazier, they turn total cuckoo for Cocoa-Puffs. If anyone eventually concedes to the blatant reality that the documents are forged, he or she is called a "Rethug" or a "Freeper" regardless if the person has been posting on that site since its ungodly conception. It's like a shaken up ant farm.

This is just so much fun and such a boon for the blogosphere. When this is all over (which I hope isn't soon; keep stonewalling, CBS!), we're going to have to make a blogosphere shrine to Dan Rather and all raise our pajamas in salute to him. He has dealt a blow to the MSM by himself more devastating than anything we bloggers could have managed. I hope the room he eventually ends up in has extra soft padding on the walls as a thank you.

Rating: 2.5/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (27)
IMAO Fans Get to Meet... Michelle Malkin
Posted by Frank J. at 09:45 AM | Email This

In her "Love Letter to the Blogosphere," Michelle Malkin mentions how she met two IMAO fans while at Berkeley (one of whom, I suspect, still owes me a Peace Gallery photo). When do I get to meet my fans? I'm even funnier and cooler in person. Meeting me would be an experience people would remember forever... like meeting the pope.

Well, I'm sure one day I'll be popular enough to go on tour, blogging in the center of a stadium to sold out audiences. They'll be like, "I wonder what's he typing?"

And, "I bet it will be funny."

And I'll be like, "Shut up! I'm trying to blog! And stop looking over my shoulder."

Man, that'll be so cool.

Rating: 2.3/5 (19 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Half of All Documents Are Forged (Source: Forged Study)
Posted by Frank J. at 06:30 AM | Email This

A lot of people are jumping on CBS News and Dan Rather for releasing forged documents, but many people just don't know how to spot them. Thus, as a service to all, I've come up with a list of ways to tell that a document is forged.


10. It Includes clip art to illustrate its points.

9. Instead of typewriter indents at each letter, there's only a stain from Extra Spicy Nacho Doritos.

8. Signature of well know person is just an 'X'.

7. 'X' is spelled wrong.

6. If you burn it as part of a "test," the owner just says, "Eh, we can get another."

5. The document makes frequent references to The Simpsons.

4. The document makes no reference to All in the Family.

3. It's still warm from the laser printer.

2. The person who gives it you giggles incessantly after you accept it.

And the number one way to tell a document wasn't actually typed in the seventies...

Half of it is missing because Windows crashed.

Rating: 2.3/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (24)
September 15, 2004
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 06:42 PM | Email This

Greyhawk, who is also heading for Iraq soon, has an exclusive document, but check the comments for doubts by many famous bloggers on its authenticity.

Want to find out what it's like to head to Vegas to try out for American Idol, well, SarahK has the story.

BTW, I saw the movie Hero with SarahK while hiding from Hurricane Frances. I liked it, but Derbyshire, who knows a lot more about China, rips it apart (I agree with the last statement of his review, though).

Here'a great idea in the form of a flash movie (thanks to Major Ownage for the link).

Finally, The Onion has an article so funny, I almost wish I wrote it. The last paragraph is a great payoff, especially if you've seen the movie it refrences.

UPDATE: This document looks so similar to those CBS has that were written in the 70's.

Rating: 2.2/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Frank Answers: Mossad, Ribbons, Gay Lovers, and Time for More Questions
Posted by Frank J. at 03:17 PM | Email This

Jeff Drummond writes:
I'm watching a cool program on the History Channel about Israel's response to the murder of her Olympic competitors at the 1972 Olympics.
Mossad exercised extreme vengeance against their enemies.
Israel has been pretty good at plotting the demise of its enemies. Are they a good model for the US to follow?

Usually I think the U.S. is the best at everything, but you have to give a lot of credit to those kickass Jews, the Israelis. The Jews have had so many hardships throughout history, and, out of fear those hardships might end, they settled a country in the midst of violent people who hate them. Thus, they've gotten good at kill'n bad people, and I think we can learn from them.

Frankly, I'd like to see targeted killings via cruise missiles used to fight local crimes. Think if some drug dealer standing in an alleyway suddenly get blow to hell or if a known carjacker finds his apartment and himself turned into a fireball. That will make criminals a lot more wary.

Also, it would be cool to watch.

Paul writes:
This is Paul. Honest. Please don't put my email address up on your site though, I hate spam.
I realized you probably don't want to answer those 2 questions I posted, so here're two more.
1) What's the stupidest Olympic sport? Badminton?
2) If you had to appoint the Head of Homeland Security in your State (say, for example, NJ), would you choose your gay lover or an Israeli poet?

First off, what gives you this idea that I randomly publish people's e-mails?


1) I hate all Olympic sports that are scored by a panel of judges. Real sports should have a clear defined winner such as the fastest, the strongest, the most accurate, or, as in boxing, the one still conscious.

Of the judged sports, the dumbest one to me seems to be that one where people dance around with ribbons. That's a sport? The original point of the Olympics were for people to peacefully compete in skills used in war, and no wars... not even a single battle... has been won with colorful ribbons. Whoever invented that competition should be shot.

Now shooting - there's a great sport.

2) That's hard to answer, as the two aren't mutually exclusive.

Wait a second... I don't like the implications of that question! I in no way resemble a New Jersey governor!

Alex writes:
I was going to ask you a mind-bendingly and universe-shatteringly intelligent and funny question related to John Kerry's face, but then I read this and my heart sank:

"Frank Answers™ is now invitation only, so don't send me your stupid questions. I hate you."

I could live with the hate, but Frank Answers being invitation only?
Why, Frank, why?! Why must you destroy the things I love so much?!

PS: I like your hat.

Fine. I'm running out of questions, and this does make good filler at times. Frank Answers™ is now open to everyone again. Just e-mail me your question about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject "Frank Answers". Everyone happy now?

P.S. Thanks. I like my hat.

Rating: 2.0/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Frank Answers
Posted by Frank J. at 12:40 PM | Email This

Man, this memogate thing is like the most fun news story ever from how hilariously surreal it is. We have a major news organization twisting logic in all directions to justify documents that any Joe six-pack could tell you is fake (whether he wears pajamas or a wife-beater). Then, with all the mention of the blogosphere on T.V., there's huge blogflation! I'm already having one of my best weeks traffic wise, and I don't have any useful information whatsoever!

I guess plagarism is the sincerest form of flattery, but it's also taught me to stamp any funny .jpegs I make with "imao.us" (I went back to the original image and did so now). I didn't think my forgery would get so much attention as I was late to the draw, but man does this story have legs.

Finally, not enough Chomps t-shirts have been sold since the last In My World™, so Chomps is going to have to die. Any ideas what the world's angriest funeral should be like?

UPDATE: Remember to visit my sponsors, especially Brian J.'s t-shirt site (the one with "Visualize World Hegemony"). He likes to see his sales spike.

UPDATE2: I now get acknowledgement on eBay.

Rating: 2.6/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (33)
G.I. Joe foo', A Real American Hero
Posted by Frank J. at 10:15 AM | Email This

My brother, Joe foo' the Marine, will be heading to Iraq in January. I know I have a number of military readers, some who have been or are in Iraq, and he'd like some advice on what to pack and such. Please give him some good advice in the comments if you know any, as I want my brother to come back safe (he owes me money).

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (36)
Forged Documents Are Crucial to Good Journalism
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 06:49 AM | Email This

 The world is a wondrous place, isn't it?

 No, it is not.

 In fact, the world is extremely boring and always has been. Yeah, when the continents shifted apart, that was notable. That advent of advanced forms of life was worth some interest. Other than that, really nothing of note has happened. Early man just sat around doing boring things like making clay pots, and early journalists told stories about how everyone was sitting around doing boring things like making clay pots. It was horrible.

 Then came the advent of forged documents

 The first forged document dates back to 21,000 B.C., though the people showing it at the time said it was written in 21,034 B.C. It's a cave painting of hunters taking down a woolly mammoth (an animal which never actually existed). Some at the time pointed out how the brownish-red paint used for the mammoth had not been invented back in the 30's (21,030's, I mean). Those people were quickly shouted down, and the legend continues to this day.

 From then on, there have been tons of great stories in human history... all fraudulent. One of the best examples is the Bible. Any handwriting expert worth his salt will admit that the source material for the more exciting parts of the Bible does not match up with documents known to have been penned by the hand of the Almighty. The original Bible simply wasn't selling very well, so the faithful decided to spice it up. Most likely, the Israelites happened to find boats when they reached the Red Sea, but the obviously forged sea parting story was considered much more exciting.

 Another great example comes from paleontologists. All extinct animals they discovered were just more boring variations of living lizards and rats. So, in 1858, William Parker Foulke made a fossil out of plaster which was later named a "dinosaur." Because this increased interest in biology many more "fossil finds" soon followed (today's dinosaur fossils are made from a much more sophisticated plastic).

 Then there's American history. All documents about the supposed “Revolutionary War” used penning techniques that were not available until the early 19th century. What really happened was that the colonists said that they wanted to be their own country, and Britain was like, "Aight." Later on, this simply didn't seem like an interesting way for a country to be founded, so the whole war with the British tale was invented which got great play in the media.

 I could keep going on, but the point is that any interesting story you ever heard is based on a forged document and never happened because the world is an extremely boring place. Now, with the advent of blogging, we have all these wiseasses in pajamas suddenly pointing out documents are forged and ruining everyone's fun. If you're wondering why Rather's documents are such crude forgeries, it’s because it used to be taboo to point such things out.

 So there is the choice we have now; we can have a rich history full of grand epics, or we can pat ourselves on the back for how smart we are for showing how the Dead Sea Scrolls were made with WordPerfect. And just one final thing for those who think it was so great to prove the documents saying Bush was AWOL are forged: There was no Vietnam War! There isn't even a country called Vietnam! Journalist decided a war would work great for the news cycle, and then some wise ass thought it would be a neat twist if we loss in the end. All the people who thought they were in "Vietnam" were actually in the jungles of Brazil. John Kerry got all three purple hears hurting himself in a pool in a sound stage in Hollywood. I have a co-worker who claimed to have escaped Vietnam with his family when the war ended, but, after badgering him, I got him to admit he was actually Korean and was paid by NBC to say that story to keep the "Vietnam War" story alive.

 Now that you know the truth, do you feel happy? No you don't. So stop questioning any more documents the media presents you unless you want the news to be filled with stories about people making clay pots.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Cool Pictures of Stuff on Fire" and "A Big Thick Book to Hide a Gun In" (with a foreword by Charlton Heston).

Rating: 1.9/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Editorials
September 14, 2004
Congratulations Charles Johnson
Posted by Frank J. at 08:10 PM | Email This

Little Green Footballs just got a huge plug from Norman Podhoretz on the O'Reilly Factor (i.e., try clicking on that link now and see if you can actually get through).

Man, I wished he linked to me recently...

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (25)
Help Please
Posted by Frank J. at 07:38 PM | Email This

I really need to get rid of a gun and some clothes quick. Any ideas? I want to make sure that, even if it is found, those CSI guys can't get anything off of it (I've seen those shows, and they're pretty thorough). No questions please; just answers.

Oh, and who wants to be an alibi?

Rating: 1.8/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (59)
It's Like Observing Apes... Damn, Dirty Apes
Posted by Frank J. at 02:53 PM | Email This

I've found the single biggest depository of nuts, the Democratic Underground, especially entertaining to watch after the CBS forgery scandal. Crazy old coot Dan Rather has become a folk hero to them while other media is just a wing of the RNC. To be fair, there are a few who admit the documents are probably faked (and are angrily attacked), which makes their opinion on the forged documents a bit more enlightened than CBS news.

Anyway, I found this person arguing that this is a win/win situation for Democrats especially notable. How far-gone from rational thought can you be?

And the sad thing is these people think they're smarter than everyone else... or is that the funny thing? I sometime get those two confused.

Rating: 2.5/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (30)
Our Military: A Civilian During a World War
Posted by Frank J. at 12:44 PM | Email This

My grandfather, Master Sergeant Peter Lefavi (ret), fought in the Pacific front in WWII, serving on a B-17 bomber. He was a career military man, serving in the Air Force (after it was formed) until he retired. He died after a long fight with Alzheimer in December of 2000.

This, though, is the story of my grandmother, Dorothy Lefavi. I recently talked with her about what it was like to be a U.S. citizen during WWII. As you'll read, it had its own hardships and even casualties as people did their best to support the war from home. I hope this is informative for everyone.

* * * *

I met your grandfather in 1940. It was open house at Chanute Air Force Base in Rantoul, Illinois, the largest technical training base in the U.S., and I went there with two friends who lived Kankakee (Chanute is 60 miles south). We drove down to the air force base and walked across it, and two fellas offered to show us the base. Since we didn’t know where we were going, we accepted. They invited us to stay for the dance that night, first taking us to dinner and a show. Your grandfather kept coming to Kankakee after that.

Since he didn’t have a car, he kept hiring friends to take him to Kankakee. His home base was Mitchell field in NY where he was assigned after training. Before returning there, he proposed to me. He sent the engagement ring in the mail after he left.

The war started December 7th, 1941, and then I was married to your grandfather on January 1st, 1942, in Tucson, AZ. I didn’t want to get married if war started, but he talked me into it. I went by Greyhound to Tucson and married in a Methodist church there. One of the men from his outfit was there with his girlfriend as attendants. Your grandfather left the day after we were married for the south Pacific. The next time I saw him was in the union railroad station in Chicago, IL, about three years later.

It was the time of gas and food rationing, with books of stamps for gasoline and food staples such as sugar. Everyone was in the same boat then, and you didn’t think about it much. I took the civil service exam and then went to Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio for work. I worked as a typist in one of the offices. While working in Wright-Patterson, I would take the train from Springfield, Ohio, to visit my family in Illinois because of the gas rationing. During some of the time when most of the men were gone it was difficult for businesses to find help. At one time, they needed some one on the gas island, so I worked at a gas station in Kankakee.

Airmail letters used onion skin paper, and we had APO’s to write to. Your grandfather wrote everyday while away, but the mail was censored, so some of it was occasionally cut out. I would get several letters at a time. I wrote back to him everyday, too.

While he was in the South Pacific, they would fly into Australia for a break. He would send gifts from there such as sheepskin rugs - a pink one and a white one - and a shell necklace. He would use broken pieces of windows from crashed planes to fill the openings of the sea shells. For some of the clothes from Australia, the buttons were made of tin – they didn’t have normal button material in Australia.

Shell necklace made by my grandfather

For entertainment, I would go to movies and learned to roller-skate. That’s when roller-skating rinks started. I lived near a small town called Bonnefield which had an old hall they turned into a roller-skating rink. Your grandfather sent me a pair of shoe skates with zippers.

They sent over men to the Pacific they called 90-day wonders because that’s all the instruction the pilots had. Your grandfather opened a school in the jungles to help train them. His main job, though, was as a tailgunner and chief engineer in a B-17 bomber. During his tour, he was in the Fiji Islands and New Caledonia. He had a stack of pennants from all the islands.

Your grandfather took a GED test while in the service. He could have gone to OCS while overseas, but then he would have been sent back for another three years.

The government eventually built Elwood ammunition plant in the cornfields of Illinois. I worked in the fuse and boosters section until I was asked to move into the laboratory where gunpowder was tested for moisture. While working there, I wore uniforms I changed into at a change house where you had to make sure you had no metal on you so there couldn’t be sparks. There were no nails in shoes - used wooden pegs in place of them. Instead of hairpins, we used little pieces of wood with toothpicks in them. Everyone was warned if there was an explosion of any kind not to go to the change house because between where we worked and there was where the black powder was stored.

One night during the graveyard shift in the summer of ‘42, the lights flashed as if it were lightning, and we thought there was possibly an electrical storm. We heard a loud BOOM! Everyone ran out into the field as instructed. We found out that there had been an explosion killing a number of people and breaking windows in Chicago - about fifty miles away. Who worked there were mostly other women like myself and a few men.

One fella said he was standing next to a conveyor belt and saw a fireball coming down, and, next thing he knew, he was picking himself up out of the field with a broken collar bone. There were also pieces of bodies found in the trees scattered over a large area. Forty-eight civilian workers were killed.

I worked at the city national bank in Kankakee as a teller in the car loan department until your grandfather returned. He came back in December, in time for our third anniversary.

Rating: 2.3/5 (25 votes cast)

Comments (17) | Our Military
Rather's Last Stand Political Comic: Special Edition
Posted by Frank J. at 10:18 AM | Email This

I know many of you liked the comic I did Sunday. It's become precious to you and part of popular culture. Still, it wasn't what I had envisioned.

Thanks to technology that simply wasn't available two days ago, reader R Strong has digitally enhanced the comic so it’s now more like what I originally envisioned.

New Digitally Enhanced Comic

Having loved the previous one so, I know many of you are not going to like this change, but art is a living thing that should evolve with the times.

Now if only I could make it so Greedo fires first...

Rating: 2.2/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (22) | Frank the Artist
Are These "Experts" Hobos Off the Street?
Posted by Frank J. at 07:00 AM | Email This

Look at the CBS News's defense of their forged documents with special note to the last three paragraphs in this linked story. They focus on how supposedly hard it is not to do a superscript in MS Word.

You just hit CTRL-Z (Undo) after it automatically superscripts it, jackass! Can I be an expert now? Or maybe CBS should bring in that little paperclip guy as an expert since he was the one who told me I could undo autoformatting.

You know they're in trouble when people like me who aren't even typists know more than their supposed "experts."

This is like watching a trainwreck times ten.

Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (33)
Know Thy Enemy: The Mainstream Media
Posted by Frank J. at 06:45 AM | Email This

As the presidential election nears, the mainstream media is becoming increasingly more volatile and dangerous. Thus I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about those who tell us all we know.


* The mainstream media is known in the blogosphere as MSM which stands for Magnus Stultus Medius.

* Many say the MSM is highly liberal biased, a charge easily proven by watching it.

* Apparently there is some curse on the media where, if they ever actually admit they're biased, they'll instantly die.

* Liberal bias of the mainstream media dates back to the Revolutionary War when the papers claimed the conflict was all about oil.

* Watching an hour of network news destroys as many brain cells as a case of beer.

* If approached by the MSM, don't make any sudden movements or they'll misrepresent you.

* In cable news, CNN is left leaning while FOX News is right leaning. The leanings of MSNBC is unknown since no one watches it.

* When the MSM quotes an anonymous source, that's a codeword for "It's a slow news day, so we needed to make crap up."

* It's not like interesting stuff happens every single day; if there's nothing to report, just show a rerun of Hogan's Heroes.

* Also, the word "expert" is a codeword for "some guy we found who agrees with our viewpoint."

* Bill O'Reilly has gained huge popularity in the media for actually asking tough questions to guests... and then telling them to shut up.

* The New York Times used to be a respected newspaper, but now it's a partisan rag that's reportedly no longer any good for even wrapping fish.

* And, as big as the New York Times is, you think they could fit in Dilbert somewhere.

* If news anchors are sitting behind a desk, they're most likely not wearing pants.

* Members of the MSM, when threatened with contradicting facts, will inhale air to puff themselves up in an attempt to scare away enemies.

* Every time I see Michael Moore he seems to be trying to scare away enemies.

* If ever asked questions by the MSM, say, "No comment." The best they can distort that to is "Comment no."

* For the longest time, the main news was on at 6pm. This is because members of the MSM are cold-blooded and need to spend the day sunning themselves on a rock.

* If a reporter grabs your leg in an attempt to get an exclusive, you may have to gnaw it off to escape.

* Better yet, gnaw off his arms.

* What do you call a reporter with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall...

* The MSM is always reporting about the poor and on human interest stories, but they never talk about the things regular people care about such as which monkeys are most flammable.

* Weekly World News just makes up most of its stories (batboy!). This makes its main difference from other newspapers in that it’s actually entertaining to read.

* If there is a breaking news story and new information isn't available, the MSM will trot out people to speculate about the story. The way this is different from you and your cousin Skeeter guessing about what's happening is that the MSM people are better dressed.

* If you're at an event and someone claims to be from the MSM, ask for his press pass. When he shows it to you, quickly grab it and then run away while giggling like a school girl.

* Dan Rather suffers from nine different mental illnesses (I have documents to back that up authenticated by experts), and what appear to be folksy sayings are just his insane ramblings. No one will fire him, though, out of fear of being beaten to death with a sack of hammers.

* BTW, the frequency is 2.4 GHz, Kenneth, similar to that of a microwave.

* While many in MSM act like they're fulfilling some sacred duty in their news reporting, in reality they'd fill their news show with dancing go-go girls if they thought it would improve ratings.

* If anyone starts a news show that's filled with dancing go-go girls, they're stealing my idea!

* There are some right-leaning sources of information such as the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Times, and the average American.

* Many people find being dogged by the media a quite stressful experience, but one can get the media off their back by something as simple as a Molotov cocktail.

* With the advent of forged documents, this will decrease the news cycle on alleged political scandals because now the MSM can "prove" or "disprove" them at will. This will leave more time to cover trials of our ever more dangerous celebrities.

* Nowadays, many people's main source of news is late night humor shows. Ironically, many people's main source of stupid pet tricks is now the daily news.

* Some news organizations are considering replacing their anchors with jumping screeching monkeys. This would keep T.V. news about as informative and accurate, but reduce the perceived bias.

* In a fight between Aquaman and the mainstream media, the media would misquote all of Aquaman's fish friends and ruin his reputation. Aquaman would then go on a drinking binge, eventually becoming a full blown alcoholic. He'll hit rock bottom when he has to be rescued by a lifeguard in a public swimming pool. That will finally convince Aquaman to go to rehab. After that, he'll continue to go to AA meetings every week while lecturing about the evils of alcohol at schools. After being ten years sober, he'll die after getting hit by a schooner. The New York Times will only mention the unproven scandals in his obituary.

* The lederhosen-wearing MSM is quite disdainful of us pajama-wearing bloggers.

* The eventual goal of the MSM is to move from simple propaganda disguised as news to direct mind control.

* In the end, the blogosphere will topple the MSM. Then will start the great blog wars, in which most blogs will be eliminated. Left in the wake of destruction will now be a single man who will disseminate all news to the world while he sits on his dark throne drinking his puppy.

Rating: 1.9/5 (27 votes cast)

Comments (48) | Know Thy Enemy
September 13, 2004
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 05:55 PM | Email This

A great cartoon on how the "forgery" is all a Bu$hitler plot!

And now conservatives have a slogan to mindlessly chant.

Finally, have you been listening to CBS news? The reports are more interesting than I thought.

Rating: 2.2/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (19)
Hear Me Now and Understand Me Later
Posted by Frank J. at 05:50 PM | Email This

I've replaced the .wma file for my verbal greeting with an .mp3 from Steve Bragg of Double Toothpicks. Maybe I should just re-record the whole thing. What do you think? Only through your input can we improve IMAO and continue its mirth and merriment.

UPDATE: I've re-recorded and put up the new .wma file. I probably should go find a program to convert .wav to .mp3, but I'm too lazy.

Rating: 2.1/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Progress in the World's Largest Democracy
Posted by Frank J. at 04:03 PM | Email This

I've always been critical of India as you just can't be a civilized nation with monkeys running around. For proof of this assertion, look at the most civilized nation, America, in which no monkeys run around.

Finally, India has taken the right step and created a monkey jail. Hopefully they'll soon move to monkey death-penalty and watch their country's economy grow as a result.

(Thanks to BerkeleyGirl for the link)

Rating: 1.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (9)
For Political Junkies
Posted by Frank J. at 02:32 PM | Email This

I'm happy to welcome as an advertiser the Wall Street Journal's Political Diary. It's a daily e-mail of political insight for only $3.95 a month, and a must for any political junky (I'm a subscriber).

Also, Life, Liberty, Etc. (whose ad was the inspiration for my t-shirt babe contest) is back again.

Make sure to check out all IMAO advertisers as thanks for supporting me.

Rating: 2.6/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (4)
A Time to Kill
Posted by Frank J. at 01:19 PM | Email This

Hooray! The "Assault Weapon" Ban sunsets today. Now I can... well... actually, none of the guns banned I wanted anyway (and if I did, I could have just bought pre-ban versions). All that really affects me is there is no longer a 10rd limit on newly made magazines. Finally, I can get that AR-15 with 90rd drum cheaply. Now that there is some good homeland defense! It'll be my "In Case Civilized Society Collapses" gun; everyone should have one. It's just the smart thing to do.

BTW, here was a top ten list I did about Assault Weapons (real ones, not the quote/unquote "assault weapons" banned by the AWB).

Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (15)
Revenge of the Scotty
Posted by Frank J. at 11:55 AM | Email This

Chomps swallowing Bush's Scotty dog in a recent IMW seems to have angered the Scotties of a reader named Amelia.


Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Hear My Voice and Tremble!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:56 AM | Email This

On the left sidebar there is now a verbal greeting for newcomers to my blog. Go listen to it if you're new. Otherwise, you no clicky!

UPDATE: I think it's volume may be too low. I don't have any audio software; anyone know how to enhance it without increasing the file size?

Rating: 2.3/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (20)
Gore Gone Wild
Posted by Frank J. at 08:38 AM | Email This

Where can we get these "digital brownshirts" we wear while intimidating the press? If it's a polo type shirt, I'll take a medium.

Seriously, though, Gore is just like the Joker in how he keeps escaping from the asylum to wreak more havoc. Someone needs to keep a better eye on him.

Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (20)
In My World: Chomps, the World's Angriest Dog - Part II
Posted by Frank J. at 07:02 AM | Email This

Part I

* * * *

"Yipe! Yipe!"

"We're all thinking the same thing, Barney," Bush said solemnly as he looked at the unconscious Chomps lying on the hospital bed.

Condoleezza Rice then walked into the room and shook her head when she saw the dog in his anger filled coma. "Chomps, the world's angriest dog - a dog barely alive..." She turned to face the others. "Gentlemen, we can rebuild him... We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic dog. Chomps will be that dog. Better than he was before... stronger... faster... angrier..."

The veterinarian tapped a sign on the wall that said, "No cybernetically enhancing the animals."

"We'll have none of those shenanigans while I'm around," he said, "When you’re in my hospital, you go by my rules!"

Condi rolled her eyes. "Fine."

Rumsfeld patted Chomps on his side. "Come on, boy; pull through."

* * * *

"You think he'll be any good guarding a junkyard?" Zeke's cousin Louie asked.

"Sure he will," Zeke answered, "He loves harming people; that's why they won't let him on the Berkeley campus anymore."

Chomps started barking angrily at the junkyard.

"He does look fierce," Louie stated, "and I really need someone to keep thieves out of my junkyard. No one steals from Louie... no one!"

Chomps started attacking the fence to the junkyard.

"I'm sure he'll stop any thieves," Zeke said, "He's good at finding people who are no good and taking care of them."

"Well, Chomps, I guess you got yourself a job as a junkyard dog," Louie declared, "What do you think?"

Chomps growled with rage.

"That's the spirit."

Zeke bent down to face Chomps. "I guess it's goodbye. Time for you to move on to more important things."

Chomps stopped growling to look at Zeke. He then bit him lightly on the arm.

"I'll miss you too," Zeke said as he backed away while rubbing his wound.

Louie opened the junkyard gate. "Time to get to work. You find anyone in there, you make sure they don't come back no more!"

Chomps ran into the junkyard and started barking at a junked car at the top of the pile. He then gradually climbed the pile so he could start attacking it. Louie put a sign up on the fence and painted the words, "CAUTION: You will be mauled by angry dog if you trespass."

* * * *

Bush turned on the TV in the veterinarian’s office.

"What's so important?" Rumsfeld demanded.

"Cheney is clarifying his remarks where he said people would die if we weren't reelected," Bush answered.

On screen was Cheney. "I would just like to say that I did not mean that terrorists would kill people if we aren't reelected," he announced, "I meant I would kill people if we aren't reelected. That's right! If you don't reelect Bush and me, I'm going on a murdering spree! You hear me? You're dead men walking! With the evil of Halliburton behind me, no one can stop me! Muh ha ha ha! By the way, go fu-"

Laura Bush turned off the TV. "I think he probably should have handled that differently."

Bush patted her on the head. "And that's why you're not a political consultant, honey."

"The anger in the dog dwindles," Zatoichi announced as he motioned to the burning candle by Chomps's bedside.

"Are you still here?" Rumsfeld snapped angrily.

Ichi laughed. "I dunno; I can't see."

The wild, random biting of the unconscious Chomps began to slow.

* * * *

Louie took his paintbrush to his sign so now it read, "CAUTION: You will be mauled by angry dog if you trespass… or come near my junkyard or look at my junkyard or think about my junkyard or just plain deserve a mauling."

A man in a suit approached Louie. "Hello, I'm Mr. Boggins from the Guinness Book of World Records Committee. We've heard of your dog Chomps who has been terrorizing the neighborhood."

"Only those who need a terrorizing!" Louie responded.

"We've seen the psychological reports about his extreme anti-social personality disorder," Mr. Boggins responded.

"Those psychologist don't know nut'n!" Louie yelled, "They tried to get a court order to have Chomps put down. But he's a good dog; ain't no one steal from Louie since he's been around. Yeah, maybe it seems a little odd how he savagely attacks the junk, but he only rips up the worthless stuff. I sort through the shreds after he's done and find all the good parts untouched. Oh, and you should have seen it the other day when I brought in some sixties hippy van. He got so angry at it he tore that thing into shreds so small you couldn't recognize it!"

"That's why we're considering naming Chomps 'The World's Angriest Dog,'" Mr. Boggins said.

"Wow; I'll go get him," Louie answered. He looked around the junkyard. "Where is he?"

* * * *

"Hey, Greg, I'm thinking we should just break into that Louie's junkyard and get the parts we need; what do you think?"

"Grrroowerr," Greg responded to Mickey.

Mickey looked to Greg. "Don't take this wrong, but you kinda look like an angry dog today." Mickey stared at Greg longer. "A very angry dog."

* * * *

"There he is!" Louie called out as he saw Chomps walk up the street.

Chomps coughed up a baseball cap.

"That's my Chomps," Louie said proudly, "Only junkyard dog I know who does preemptive strikes."

"Is it safe to be out around him?" Mr. Boggins asked.


Chomps started snarling at Mr. Boggins.

"Chomps!" Louie called as he opened the gate, "Look in the junkyard! I think I saw a fuel-efficient European car in there."

Chomps ran into the junkyard while barking and growling. He then started attacking a car with full rage.

"My god!" Mr. Boggins exclaimed, "Such violent anger." He took out an electronic device. "That anger meter is off the charts. I believe it's time to declare Chomps 'The World's Angriest Dog.' That will make Tiggers the pit-bull angry... but not angry enough to be angrier than Chomps."

"You’re the world's angriest dog," Louie called out to Chomps, "How does that make you feel?"

Chomps ran up to the fence and barked and snarled at them.

"It makes him angry," Mr. Boggins declared, "Excellent." He turned to Louie. "Here is a certificate declaring Chomps 'The World's Angriest Dog' and a complimentary case of Guinness Stout."

"Great!" Louie exclaimed as he accepted the items.

"Also, we are interested in having Chomps for our Guinness Book or World Records museum," Mr. Boggins said, "Will you give him to me for this big bag of money?”

Mr. Boggins handed Louie a canvas sack with a dollar sign on it. "This is a big bag of money," Louie admitted, "but Chomps has been such a great guard dog." Louie thought about it for a while and then turned to Chomps. "I guess it's your time to move on again," he told the dog, "You're going to be famous now!"

Chomps growled and then attacked the fence.

"Do you have a kennel to take him in?" Mr. Boggins asked.

"I have a converted shark cage," Louie answered, "but don't keep him in there too long… it makes him angry."

* * * *

Scott McClellan entered the hospital room. "President Bush, there's some issues we need to address."

"But we're well-wishing Chomps," Bush answered.

"Poor dog," Scott said as he approached the unconscious rottweiler. "He may have bit me a lot, but I don't want him to die. He always..."

Eyes still closed, Chomps head darted towards Scott and he bit him.

"Holy snikeys!" Scott screamed as he fell back.

"Heh heh," Ichi laughed, "Comatose dog bit tubby man!"

"That may have been his last bite," Laura said with worry. Chomps was barely stirring now, and the candle beside him burnt out.

"Stay with us, boy!" Rumsfeld said, shaking Chomps, "There are so many people out there who need to be mauled, and I can't do it all myself!"

Chomps stopped moving at all, and the heart meter connected to him stopped beeping and turned into a constant tone.

The veterinarian ran forward. "He's flat lined!"


Will Chomps die?

Yes, he will!

...Unless you buy his t-shirt.

Otherwise, Chomps will die and you will be sad and not have a cool t-shirt. Don't let that happen!

Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (20) | In My World
September 12, 2004
Political Comic: Rather's Last Stand
Posted by Frank J. at 11:41 AM | Email This

I was inspired by current events to draw my very first political comic, full of subtle symbolism.

Eat your heart out, Cox & Forkum.

UPDATE: Now that I think of it, isn't it quite apropos to use a crude drawing to make fun of crude forgeries?

Rating: 2.2/5 (35 votes cast)

Comments (52) | Frank the Artist
Posted by Frank J. at 11:04 AM | Email This

While I was hiding at SarahK's place from Hurricane Frances, I got to meet her cat Minerva. She kept bothering me, sitting between me and my laptop when I was trying to blog and clawing at my face while I was trying to sleep. Then I figured out, "Hey, wouldn't she be happy sleeping in the lamp!"

"Oh, what a predicament I'm in. How in Heavens shall I get out of this here lamp?"

Aww, she fits in there perfectly. What a happy cat.

Why don't you all try captioning the picture now in the comments. Yay Sunday fun!

NOTE: For anyone worried, I was actually holding both the top of the lamp and the cat for the picture; I just photoshopped myself out.

Okay, I'm just adding this note to brag how good I am with photoshop.

Rating: 2.3/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (41)
Wacky Weekend Fun Links
Posted by Frank J. at 10:40 AM | Email This

Chad thinks he found my secret identity. It's kinda ironic, because up close SarahK looks like Kirsten Dunst.

Speaking of SarahK, she found herself in an uncomfortable position with Michelle Malkin's book.

Finally, an administration is taking my advice... except it's North Korea. "In show of strength, nuke selves." (thanks to reader Rob for pointing this out)

Stay tuned for more wacky weekend fun, as I plan to draw my first political cartoon for today.

Rating: 2.6/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (13)
September 11, 2004
Ronin Thought of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 10:30 AM | Email This

Master Reagan was to have said:

Above all, we must realize that no arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today's world do not have. It is a weapon that we as Americans do have. Let that be understood by those who practice terrorism and prey upon their neighbors.

The enemy may harm us as they did three years ago today, but they can never destroy us for we are a people who cannot be defeated.

Rating: 2.8/5 (22 votes cast)

Comments (19) | Ronin Thought of the Day
September 10, 2004
Another Possible Forgery
Posted by Frank J. at 05:54 PM | Email This

I decided to practice what I preach and analyze some documentation myself. Here is one of the memos that CBS has released and say that their experts have verified it as authentic:

I noticed something peculiar on close examination, though. While this memo is mono-spaced like most typewriters from the era, look closely at the spacing. There is 1.03mm of space blank space between each letter but, in 1973, the common blank space between letters was 1.07mm. Typewriters with 1.03mm spacing between letters are those more common of the 80's. Thus, I am 65% certain that this is in fact a forgery.

I'm still examining the PowerPoint slides CBS obtained which are reportedly also from 1973 and detail how Bush was AWOL, and, if I find any historical inaccuracies in them, I’ll report back.

Rating: 2.9/5 (29 votes cast)

Comments (56)
Where I Live
Posted by Frank J. at 02:28 PM | Email This

New Florida Postcard:

Got this from multiple people and don't know where it originated, but I thought I'd share.

Rating: 2.6/5 (18 votes cast)

Comments (13)
The IMAO Employee Team-Building Trip 2004 - Escape from the Canyon!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:05 PM | Email This

Previous Episode

* * * *

August 22nd, 2004

"Hurts... to... move..."

I was in so much pain that morning, I could barely make the walk to the bathroom (where I found a squished scorpion but forgot to take a picture). But, we not only needed to trek seven miles uphill with the sun bearing down on us, we had to do it with packs on our back. It seemed impossible. Still, I told SarahK we couldn't give up.

"We... must... head... back... AHH! It hurts to stand!"

It was time to say goodbye to Camp IMAO.


So we packed up, each movement causing pain to shoot through our bodies, and were soon ready to go.

Ready to Go

Well, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

"Ahh! That one step hurt like all 'ell!"

With a constant chorus of "Ow! Ow! Ow!" we walked out of camp carrying our eighty pound packs that got heavier with each step. Soon the sun was in full force, and we slowly walked a couple yards at a time, stopping to rest and drink in any shade we could find. Soon we made it to the pump house where the crazy pump house man lived.

"How far have we gone?" I asked SarahK.

"0.2 miles."

"How much do we have left?"

"6.8 miles... straight up."

"D'oh. Let's trudge on then!"

We kept moving though our bodies begged us to stop. Stupid bodies. Each step just increased the pain. Soon, the whole trip was a blur.

Pain! Hurt! Pain! Ooh... pretty! PAIN!

"Let's give up," SarahK beckoned.

"Giving up means dying, and dying still seems worse than moving... for now."

"Leave me then!"

"No... you have some Gatorade left and I'm all out. Let's move on!"

Soon we came around a bend and could see our destination - our very distant and high up destination.

The Destination

"You're going to die! You're going to die!" the ground squirrel seemed to chatter as the vultures circled overhead. Sweat dripped from us like rain, and the sun tried to press us to the ground. Any step over four inches high took a deep breath before attempting it, as it meant pulling up one's entire weight plus the pack with one sore leg. I started to hallucinate and thought I was being attacked by monkeys. At least that kept me moving.

As the sun finally began to set, we reached the last mile which was straight up. After some walking, we made it back to Coconino Overlook. Two guys whom we ran into earlier and assumed to be gay took a picture of us.

Me and SarahK at the Overlook

Soon we were in the kind shade of the trees, and it appeared there wasn't much left to go. Then we spotted a baby deer and its mama.


They let us get pretty close to take a picture.


While distracted by the deer, the ground squirrels attacked! There were hundreds of them, and they knocked me off the cliff.

Scream of Me Falling

I then hit the ground, my pack being knocked off from the fall.

Frank Fallen

Broken and bloody, I could hear SarahK screaming, "Eek! Ground squirrels!" I forced myself up, and, with a Herculean effort, I grabbed my pack and raced up the trail. I found SarahK surrounded by those evil rodents, and I swatted them all with my pack sending them flying down into the canyon to never be seen again.

Finally, we made it to the end of the trail and declared victory.

Me and SarahK Victorious

Next mission was to get cleaned up and rejoin the civilized world. I soon noticed that the fruit punch Gatorade that had sustained me through the trip now made me nauseous at the thought of it now that it was no longer needed.

First plan was to get a shower. They were pay showers, so I suggested to SarahK that we save money by sharing a shower. After I got up from the ground (it hurt to get up; I was so sore) I went to get my own shower. The first one just swallowed my quarters. There I was - naked and robbed! You owe me $1.25, Grand Canyon!

I soon got a shower, shaved, and was all cleaned up and back in my street clothes. SarahK and I then went to the lodge for dinner. So agonizingly sore, we shuffled through the parking lot like a couple of ninety year olds. We ran into those gay guys again in the parking lot who offered us some sandwiches. Though I really wanted a steak, that involved more walking. Still, we persevered.

I quickly ordered a steak and a beer, while SarahK asked the waitress for whatever was the most expensive menu item and most expensive wine. Again, she just took three nibbles from her meal, but she did finish all the wine. She was so tipsy from one glass, she could barely speak (even sober, Klutzy could barely walk). We needed to get to sleep so we could head out early for the Dave Matthews Band concert back in Albuquerque, so I ended up having to drive us back to our campsite - the campsite that was 8,000 ft in altitude.

"S-so c-c-cold..."


UPDATE: SarahK has her version.

Rating: 2.8/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Phase 3: Destruction of Mainstream Media!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:12 AM | Email This

Man, this forgery story is too funny. If I only were home instead of at my stupid, well-paying and fulfilling job, I could come up with some great parodies. Well, maybe when I get home tonight.

Anyway, there is a serious point here. First we had the phony AP story about Republicans booing when they heard Clinton was having surgery, and now there is this forged document controversy where any idiot could have said the documents were suspect (but apparently not CBS's "experts"). Big kudos, BTW, to Little Green Footballs, Powerline, and INDC Journal.

It's obvious that the media is only going to get sloppier as the election gets nearer, each liberal outlet struggling for an "October Surprise." That means the blogosphere has to be even more streamlined in fact-checking their ass to the point that we completely discredit and destroy the mainstream media (MSM) by the election. Yes, the next big blog war will not be against the puppy blender, but the MSM itself.

Here is the plan as I see it:

Phase 1: Gather bloggers together to fact check MSM
Phase 2:
Phase 3: Destruction of MSM!

We need a leader to coordinate everyone's knowledge to instantly dismantle the lies, distortions, and general dumbassery of the MSM. He also needs to be someone who doesn't have a day job like me. Maybe Charles Johnson since everyone seems to like him.

This is our new charge as bloggers: destroy the MSM. Their misinformation is an obstacle to good democracy, and thus this obstacle must be torn down.

Who is with me?

And who wants to do the work so I don't have to?

Rating: 3.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (27)
Biker Bar Redux
Posted by Frank J. at 08:08 AM | Email This

As usual, SarahK has a different version of the biker bar visit.

BTW, the story of the IMAO Employee Team-Building Trip 2004 should continue today.

Rating: 2.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (7)
Frank Suggestions for Kerry Campaign Commercials
Posted by Frank J. at 06:48 AM | Email This

Kerry needs to catch up in the polls. For that, he'll need some powerful commercials. There are a few issues he needs to hit, and I think I know how he should do them.

First, he needs to settle the controversy about his Vietnam service once and for all:

* * * *


Kerry: You may not know this, but I served in Vietnam. That's right, I was in Vietnam and was shot at and everything. I even have medals.

[Kerry shows his medals to the camera and then tosses them away.]

Kerry: Plus I have wounds.

[Kerry pulls up sleeve and holds his arm to the camera.]

Kerry: You'll probably need HDTV to see it. Now, can you really imagine having a president who wasn't on a boat being shot at? That's crazy. You may have also heard about my testimony after I left Vietnam about war crimes. That's just how dedicated I am: I will commit war crimes on America's behalf. Now that is real leadership.

[Fade to black and show the logo "John Kerry: He commits war crimes."]

* * * *

Next Kerry need to let people know exactly where he stands on the war in Iraq:

* * * *


Kerry: Some people claim they can't tell what my position is on the war in Iraq. Well, I want to settle this once and for all.

[Kerry reaches down to pick something up, but is unable.]

Kerry: Jeeves, help me here.

Kerry's Butler: Certainly, sir.

[Together, they lift up a gigantic book.]

Kerry: In this 8,000 page book I wrote entitled "Whether the Iraq War is Right or Wrong," I definitively answer my views on the current war in Iraq. I will send this free to any voter - though UPS is charging $100 for shipping.

[Fade to black with the slogan "John Kerry: He has heavy views on heavy issues."]

* * * *

A poll of other countries shows that Kerry would win in a landslide if this were a worldwide election. Hmm. People who hate America and don't want it to be a superpower would vote for Kerry.

Anyway, maybe it's time for Kerry to show his foreign support.

* * * *


Kerry: Just listen to these unnamed foreign leaders I met in New York restaurants who they think should be president.

[One leader is on screen, face blacked out.]

Foreign Leader 1: I like this Kerry! He speaks zee French. He knows to consult weeth French people on important matters, and not stupid Americans!

[Another leader with face blacked out appears on screen.]

Foreign Leader 2: I like Kerry and I hate jooooos!

[Yet another leader appears with face blacked out.]

Foreign Leader 3: That camera is shiny!

[Fade to black with the slogan "John Kerry: Anonymous foreign people think he should be president; shouldn't you?"]

Rating: 2.5/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (11)
September 09, 2004
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 02:58 PM | Email This


This has even made Drudge now.

Politics is just getting wackier by the day.

UPDATE: Just got home and turned on FOX News, and they're talking about how these documents from CBS (who has yet to respond) look forged. Referred to this being the buzz on the internet. Yay blogosphere!

UPDATE2: John Hawkins has found another memo - super authentic!

Scott Ott (Damn you, Scrappleface!) reports on more evidence of Bush being AWOL.

Rating: 2.2/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (92)
Adventures in a Biker Bar with Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 02:20 PM | Email This

When I fled to Texas to escape Hurricane Frances, SarahK thought that hiding out in a biker bar would be a good idea. So I put on my best biker clothing - a white polo shirt with green stripes - and headed into the bar. It was actually full of real bikers - all mean looking and tattoo-covered and everything. Thus, we made sure to look tough to keep them at bay.


Rating: 1.7/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Our Military XXVII
Posted by Frank J. at 11:57 AM | Email This

Here are more military stories. I have a decent backlog of stories and am working on a special "Our Military," but I'm always accepting more. If you'd like to give your own explanation of why you joined the military or have a military story, please e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.

* * * *

Dennis writes about his past experience and how he is continuing to try to serve today:

I'm an old guy, so this'll take a little.

Graduated High School in 1972 and knew I'd be going in the military. Oh, the draft was there but my number didn't get drawn till the next year. There were 11 other kids in the family, I didn't know what I wanted to do when I grew up but I did know a stint in the military would give me a chance to see some of the world and figure out what I wanted to do.

Wanted to fly helicopter gunships but the Army turned me down, said they had too many pilots already.

Found the Coast Guard was running river and coastal patrols. That looked like fun! Enlisted.

Halfway through boot camp, found out that the Coast Guard had completed its mission regarding the small boats and had turned all vessels over to the South Vietnamese Navy. Was now a waiting list for the few billets left in country. (rumored to be seven years) Shifted my sights to become a helicopter Search and Rescue aircrewman and served four years on active duty, mostly on deployments on icebreakers. Finally got out when I decided the pilots were insane. (in the wrong way, insanity on it's own doesn't bother me.)

After three years of being away from active duty, I was getting homesick. My evil older brother talked me into joining his National Guard Infantry unit. The following year, I paid him back by talking him into going to OCS. We became "those crazy lieutenant brothers".

Twenty three years after our commissioning he's retired but I'm still in, now in the Army Reserve, trying to get deployed at my advanced age.

I'm obviously insane myself, because I've never worked so hard to go do something that I already know I'm not going to enjoy. Duty does indeed call, now if it would only buy me a ticket.............

Rob writes about the Air Force and how it has affected his patriotism:

There are countless reasons why I enlisted in the USAF. Just a few are: extreme love of country, college help, top-of-the-line technical training, pride in seeing a US military uniform, paid travel around the world, and need of a steady paycheck. Let me give you a bit of foreshadowing. I was laid off from Sprint in the fall of 2001. I had a job there that I dearly loved and I wanted to continue working in the networking field.

I put the words "telecom, networking" into job search engines all over the place and in every single search the Air Force would pop up with jobs available. At the time the military was pretty far from my mind, even with the 9/11 attacks. So after months of fruitless searching for a new telecom/networking job I went to college in January of 2002. I did a year in college and did very well, but it just wasn't what I needed to do. Just before classes ended in December of 2002 I started searching hard for jobs once again. The Air Force kept rearing its head all over my job searches. I grew tired of not being interviewed for jobs I was well-qualified for and said "screw it, USAF here I come."

I talked to a recruiter in January of 2003 and was put on delayed entry.
I really wanted to get into satellite communications since I already had good knowledge of terrestrial communication technologies, why not branch out and expand my knowledge? My recruiter helped me find the SATCOM job, but there were no openings in it until very late 2003. So I went to basic training as an Open Electronics in the hopes I could land the SATCOM job, however unlikely that would be. I went to basic in late March 2003.

During the 6th (really, it's the 7th) week of basic training all of us "open" career people found out our jobs. I got SATCOM! I was thrilled, ecstatic even! On a side note, I earned the name "Old Man" in basic due to my elderly age of 25 and many white hairs scattered on my head.
After basic I went to Keesler AFB, MS for basic electronics training then on to Ft. Gordon, GA for SATCOM training.

I graduated SATCOM school in December of 2003, took some leave, then reported to a USAF base in the United Kingdom in early January 2004.
I'm once again doing a job I love in networking, satellite networking to be exact, and it's guaranteed I'll be in this career for another three years! Well, that is unless I get killed in Iraq/Afghanistan.
But that's ok, I'll die doing what I love for a country I love. How many people can say that?!

It's amazing to say, but my love for America has grown exponentially since joining the USAF. I didn't think I could love my country any more than I did before being in the military! But it's true, I fallen deeply, honestly, and truthfully more in love with this country. I'm proud to serve in the greatest military of the greatest nation in the world.

Robert writes about his experience of a "more sensitive war" in Germany:

Baseball Bats and Terrorists

Normally I don’t care about politics except to throw out the occasional cynical comment or two. I’ve been cynical since 1973, when they replaced a whole summer’s worth of Romper Room and Captain Kangaroo with the Watergate hearings. There’s nothing like listening to endless testimony from Ehrlichman and Mitchell-- when you were expecting Mr. Green Jeans and Mr. Moose-- to make a kid cynical.

I soon figured out what all these world leaders were after was power and/or money. In my arrested 5-year-old view, politicians want power over ‘the masses’, to bend them to their will, to control their thoughts to some degree. You can see this on a small scale in any family, any playground in America. So an election, to me, is about selecting the power-hungry guy whose views happen to most closely align with yours. It never feels good because you can never be totally aligned with your ‘leaders’ and you have to constantly resist their attempts to morph your thinking into their thinking…wrap your head in tin foil if you have too.

However, a post by Evilwhiteguy, pointing out Kerry’s asinine statement about running a ‘more sensitive war on terror’ brought up some suppressed memories of my time in the Army. I had intentionally blanked out those memories-- from the time I got off the bus at Basic Training to that glorious last day four years later when, during the exit process, some scumbag stole the clothes out of my suitcase-- but this ‘sensitive war’ thing brought back memories of my tour in West Germany.

I was in Germany, West Germany then, for 3 years-- around the time when the Red Brigade and other terrorist cells were sporadically car bombing US bases in Europe. I don’t really care why they were targeting us; it’s all the same isn’t it? Some little guy feels powerless so he lashes out any way he can. Ultimately, the little guy wants to be a big guy and have some kind of power, some kind of control. Never, it seems, is any terrorist fighting for the freedom of individuals to make their own choices.

Anyway, I worked at a network control station, relaying information to a network of mobile Pershing missile units. Our site was not mobile, it was fixed, occupying of about 10 acres in a German forest, with plenty of little deer and wild boar wandering around the RLP antenna field.

Now, our leaders knew these people were out there targeting us. Every month or so, someone would drive a car up to the gate of a military base and blow it up (literally the gate and maybe a few guards). They had even bombed some radio installations, knocking down an antenna at another site. So our leaders put as on alert. They had us patrol the perimeter of our 10 acre site night and day…carrying baseball bats. I’m not kidding…BASEBALL BATS.

The thinking was that since tensions were high, if we had real guns and real bullets a dumb soldier might get jumpy and accidentally kill some poor German out hiking through the woods. I’m not saying that wouldn’t have happened; there are some dumbasses in the military, no doubt. But we were in Germany to do a job, our radio site and our lives were in danger, and we kept our weapons and ammunition locked in a safe while we walked around the fence…with baseball bats. I don’t know about you, but I doubt terrorists would have respected our commands to “Stop! Or I’ll…sswingg batter-batter sswiingg.”

If (and that’s a big capital ‘IF’ that depends on many factors and should be weighed very carefully), but IF you’re going to commit to fighting a war, even a war on terrorism, then fight likes it’s a war. Don’t make it more sensitive-- war is not sensitive. Don’t make it safe for the enemy-- make it as safe for your troops as you can.

(Ah, if only there were blogs back then. Now back to my real pastime, commenting on how the proliferation of Half-Baked technology will soon lead to an 8 hour work week.)

Rating: 2.5/5 (24 votes cast)

Comments (8) | Our Military
Chomps Would Be Proud
Posted by Frank J. at 10:03 AM | Email This

I miss having a dog, and I think I'd like to adopt this one. I'd name him "Shooty," and we'd have ever so much fun together.

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (29)
Almost Gone
Posted by Frank J. at 09:38 AM | Email This

The Know Thy Enemy: Terrorists t-shirt has sold out in all sizes except large. If you were planning on getting one, do so soon as there are no plans for another reprinting.

While you're at it, get your Chomps t-shirt.

Rating: 2.5/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (4)
In My World: Chomps, the World's Angriest Dog
Posted by Frank J. at 08:25 AM | Email This

Chomps was angry.

Chomps was always angry.

Everything around him begged for destruction. Their existence was a mockery to him. An affront. All must be destroyed, but time dictated to Chomps that he must choose his targets carefully.

Some things were moving in front of him. Smelly things, with long unkempt hair. One made the sound, "Bush is like Hitler, and he needs to be stopped!" Chomps did not understand the meaning of such sounds, but it made him angry.

Very angry.

He could not stand living in a world where these things existed. The rage boiled inside him until it came out as a low growl and then evolved into a bark as he charged forward. The moving things shrieked and ran away.

That made Chomps even angrier.

He was almost on them, ready to destroy them, when he heard a loud noise. Loud noises made Chomps angry. He turned to see something big and metal moving his way. Chomps opened his maw ready to destroy it.

But it was too large.

* * * *

"How is my dog?" Rumsfeld shouted, "I'll strangle you if you don't cure Chomps! Rarr!"

"Strangling me isn't going to help your dog," the veterinarian said as he backed away, "now have these elephant tranquilizers and calm down."

Rumsfeld swallowed the pills and felt the murderous rage subside. "So how is he?"

"He's currently in the world's angriest coma," the veterinarian said, as Chomps lay unconscious, growling and snapping his teeth randomly in the air. "The truck that hit him was totaled, and the cinderblocks it was carrying were all destroyed. This dog shouldn't be living, but his extreme anger seems to keep him going."

Chomps started snapping more violently in the air, his eyes still shut. "I wonder what he's dreaming of," Rumsfeld mused.

* * * *

"So Betsy had a whole litter of pups, eh?" Zeke asked.

"Yep, cute little rottweilers they are," his cousin Clyde answered.

"All just so blind and helpless," Zeke said as he stared at the little pups lying there. He then spotted one trying to move as it snapped its toothless jaw at what it could hear. "'cept that one. He looks angry."

"Yeah, it almost seems like he's mad 'cause his eyes are closed and is trying to bite them."

"Cute little guy, though." Zeke reached down to pet him, but the puppy immediately clamped on his finger. "Ow!" Zeke yelled as he pulled his hand back.

"He's got quite a bite," Clyde said, "Won't be fun when he gets teeth. We call that one Chomps 'cause of how he bites so much. 'Chomps' means 'bite.'"

"I reckon that's a good name for him," Zeke answered. Suddenly, Chomps started biting in the air even more fiercely as he tried to move towards the T.V. On it was Bill Clinton giving a speech. Since Chomps's legs weren't quite working, he just kept flopping and rolling in the general directions as he growled and bit at it.

"Must not like the President," Zeke said.

"Nope. He surely doesn't. Gets in a frenzy every time that lying bastard is on T.V."

Chomps had made it to the T.V. stand and was now trying unsuccessfully to jump up and bite the T.V. screen.

"He has spirit in him," Zeke stated, "I think he'll make a good guard dog. You think I can have him when he's old enough to be taken from his mother."

"Don't think his mother will mind."

"Good. I have a job for him."

* * * *

"Oh, poor Chomps," Laura said as she came in the room with President Bush, "He looks like a little angel there." Chomps thrashed about some more on his bed. "A very violent angel."

"Like Michael," Bush suggested.

"Don't you two have some campaigning to do?" Rumsfeld said irately.

"We're supposed to make Kerry look an idiot," Bush replied, "but right now, no one is doing a better job than John Kerry. So now I don't have much to do."

"And we brought Barney to help cheer up Chomps," Laura said as he held up the Scotty dog to Chomps.

"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney said.

Chomps made a slight movement of his head and swallowed Barney whole.

"That could be a choking hazard!" the veterinarian yelled as he leapt into action.

* * * *

"Now, Chomps," Zeke said, "You stay by this tool shed and keep the students away. These Berkeley kids don't know right from wrong, and I don't want them stealing my tools. Do you understand?"

The little puppy gnawed at the rope that tied him to the shed.

"No. You stay on your leash," Zeke told him, "Just keep those people away from here." Zeke motioned to all the students walking buy.

Chomps barked violently at the students.

"Good puppy," Zeke said and then walked off.

After a while of barking, Chomps got tired of not being able to bite them. He then went back to chewing on the rope.

"Look at the poor dog tied up," said a Hippy as he walked up to Chomps, "People don't own animals."

Chomps watched silently as the hippy untied the rope.

"There you go, little animal." The hippy reached over to pet the puppy, but all he saw was teeth.

* * * *

"Now can anyone tell us the advantages of the just system of Communism over evil Capitalism?" the professor asked. He looked around the students seated in front of him. "How about the small hippy in the back."

The small hippy ran towards the professor.

"You don't need to come forward," the professor said, "Wait, you kind of look like an angry puppy." The hippy was only a yard away. "A very angry puppy."

Chomps shed his hippy outfit and then got up the professor's pants leg. "AHHH!" the professor screamed, "DON'T BITE ME THERE!"

* * * *

"Here's your dog back, ma'am."

"Yipe! Yipe!" Barney said as the veterinarian handed him over to Laura.

"Next time, bring a dog easier to swallow so you don't choke Chomps," Rumsfeld grumbled, "Now what can you do for Chomps, doc?"

"He's simply too violent to do any procedures on," the veterinarian said, "We just have to wait and hope he gets better."

"Wait, I know someone wise who may be able to help us," Bush said as he took out his cell phone.

* * * *

"Your dog has constantly attacked students and professors the whole time he is here!" the president of Berkeley yelled at Zeke.

"He only attacked those who deserved it," Zeke responded.

"He attacked a lamp post."

"One that was poorly placed," Zeke asserted, "I know he seems like a bad dog, but he's good in heart. If you just give him another chance..."

Chomps broke through the door, reducing it to splinters. He then tackled the president to the ground and repeatedly bit him. "AHHHH!"

"This isn't going to help Chomps's case," Zeke sighed.

* * * *

Zatoichi slowly entered the room, tapping his cane on the ground in front of him.

"What does a blind samurai know about comatose dogs?" Rumsfeld demanded.

"What doesn't he know?" Bush responded.

Ichi set a candle on a table near Chomps and lit it. "Dog's anger is like fire. It needs fuel to burn, or else it dies out. When flame is gone, so is the spirit of the demon dog."

"So how do you make a dog in a coma angry?" Rumsfeld asked.

"I already gave you wisdom," Ichi answered, "Now you give me 30 bu."

"30 bu!" Bush shouted and then turned to Laura. "Do you have any silver on you, honey?"

"What gives you the idea I keep around pieces of silver," Laura chided.

"Fine." Bush took a leather pouch from under his suit jacket and paid Ichi.

"Keep fighting, boy," Rumsfeld said as he pet Chomps on his side. Chomps continued to bite randomly in the air but slower now as the candle near him burned away.


If you buy Chomps t-shirt!

Rating: 2.4/5 (20 votes cast)

Comments (13) | In My World
September 08, 2004
Links of the Day
Posted by Frank J. at 07:38 PM | Email This

Greyhawk of the Mudville Gazette is going to be deployed overseas and needs money for equipment so he can keep his blogging going (money for a laptop, digital camera, etc.). If you have money to spare, give him a donation. If no money to spare, just check him out (more eyeballs means more money from blogads). He has been a great military blogger since his existence and even started the MilBlogs ring. Greyhawk joked that if he is KIA, there will be no refunds. That's not funny; I want a refund!

John Hawkins, who like to make us other bloggers look like schmucks, has an interview with John O'Neill from the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. I probably should do another real interview when I have some time...

Michelle Malkin's book keeps causing more and more attacks. I really need to buy a copy and start reading it. Any of you guys have an opinion on it?

Finally, I made mention on an article (check the second page) from Pointless Waste of Time which is famous for such hilarious articles as 50 Reasons Why the Lord of the Rings Sucks and The Ultimate War Simulation. For the record, I am a 25 year old engineer who never professed to know anything.

…Well, I guess I pretend to know stuff all the time, but you guys are smart enough to know I’m lying.

Rating: 2.3/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (14)
My Last Post on Hurricanes (Hopefully)
Posted by Frank J. at 07:14 PM | Email This

Unless Ivan comes my way, I want this to be my last post on hurricanes. Through all the wind, rain, threat of lost property, panic, fear, undrinkable water, gas shortages, destroyed street lights, power loss, and heat, I've learned one thing: the word "potable."

Rating: 2.7/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (10)
I'm Afraid He's Suffering from a Severe Form of "Being a Democrat"
Posted by Frank J. at 02:14 PM | Email This

Democrats are going crazy from the latest poll numbers showing Bush got a huge bounce from the convention and want to slime the president in anyway possible and somehow prop up John F'n Kerry. How can you tell if they've completely lost it? I'll tell you:


10. Strategy for debates: Answer every question with "I served in Vietnam!"

9. Instead of comparing Bush to Hitler, they try to prove he actually is him in disguise.

8. They give up on the Kerry campaign and start working fulltime on the "Bush Stole the Election!" campaign.

7. Elephants are found mysteriously murdered throughout the nation's zoos (or, alternatively, Democrats are found mysteriously stomped to death in Elephant pens throughout the nation while others are mistakenly placed in cages in the monkey house).

6. Kerry's campaign staff is replaced with the smartest animal of all - dolphins. Kerry's campaign become much more focused on procuring fish than usual.

5. Find Bush's permanent record for more dirt. "Do you want someone who was 'sometimes disruptive' to be your president?"

4. Since the $1000 haircut didn't seem to help John Kerry, they try a $2000 haircut.

3. They try to use VP candidate John Edwards's talking to the dead powers to get the support of John F. Kennedy.

2. Since Michael Moore hasn't seemed to influence enough people, they keep feeding him whole pigs to make him larger and thus even more influential.

And the number one sign the Democrats have gone completely crazy in reaction to the polls…

To be honest, I think most went insane sometime during the primary when they thought Kerry was "electable."

Rating: 1.8/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (18)
Power Back!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:16 AM | Email This

And now I need to rush home to shut off my alarm...

UPDATE: Homebase is now fully operational. I have power and cable (i.e., internet access). Expect IMAO to resume regular operation by the end of the week.

Rating: 2.0/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (14)
Hooray! Ads!
Posted by Frank J. at 11:01 AM | Email This

While you're waiting for me to write some funny (including a special Chomps post where you'll get to learn his history), check out my advertisers. There is the Free Will Blog which has commentary and scantily clad women (not that I'd need to look at them since I have SarahK to look at). Also, I have vendor selling 'W' jerseys. Finally, Sex in the City is now on TBS and Carrie is running for president. Click on the link to see her blog and political positions. Also, check out all the other advertisers and buy a Chomps t-shirt before Chomps gets angry.

Very angry.

Rating: 2.8/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (13)
I Survived Hurricane Frances and All I Got Was this Lousy T-Shirt Babe
Posted by Frank J. at 09:28 AM | Email This

Just kidding; she's not lousy.

Yay work! There's power, potable water for making coffee (all water from the tap needs to be boiled now), and internet. I'm probably going to stay here until curfew.

I have no power at home, but pretty much no damage either. Luckily there is trash pick up today to take the contents of my refrigerator (bye bye, Chunky Monkey). Yesterday, after I got back to my house, all I had to do was sit on my porch and read and say, "Damn! I'm hot!" Also, it's pretty dark in my house since I'm not taking down the storm windows until I hear more about Ivan. For dinner, I cooked some Campbell’s soup on my gas grill and drank a warm Dos Equis (and smoked a cigarillo to help digestion).

Got a wake up call for work from my Dad (though two time zones away, he gets up at about the time I need to just take a shower and shave and get to work at 7:45am). You'd think a cold shower would be welcome after a hot night, but no. Me no like cold shower.

Anyway, I have over half a tank of gas which is good since gas is scarce. Also, most traffic lights are broken... and most people don't know what to do at a four-way stop sign.

But you don't care about that. I'll probably stay late tonight and try to write up some regular humor posts. I mean, the Democrats have gone frick'n insane after that latest poll numbers, and I need to comment on that. Plus, I want to do a very special In My World™ on Chomps. BTW, you need to buy more Chomps t-shirts. Do so now.

Anyway, thanks again to Juggy for giving me a warm and dry place to stay during the hurricane. She's the sweetest, bestest t-shirt babe ever (and she never got too mad at me for putting her cat in the lamp). When I get power and internet at home, I'll have some pictures, including me singing karaoke at a biker bar.

Be honorable, ronin.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention that the magnolia tree looks like nothing even touched it.

Rating: 1.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (28)
September 06, 2004
All Bad/Good Things Come to an End
Posted by Frank J. at 12:27 PM | Email This

The Orlando Airport is opening today, so it looks like I'll have to leave the sweet SarahK and head back to Florida tomorrow to check on the damage. It'll be fun trying to see if I have power or water at home and what to my landscaping, my roof, and my newly screened porch.

Hopefully I'll be back to regular blogging soon. There have been a lot of great fodder lately, and I want to write an extra-special Chomps centered post. Maybe I'll be up and ready for that later this week.

Later, ronin.

Rating: 1.9/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (37)
September 05, 2004
Posted by Frank J. at 08:30 PM | Email This

I called home, and my phone rang (I have a cheap, non-wireless phone in my master bedroom). I guess that means my house didn't blow away.

Rating: 2.3/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (24)
Dude, Where's My House?
Posted by Frank J. at 11:31 AM | Email This

I just called my friends in Melbourne:

Frank: Hey, guys. How are you doing?

Big V: Well, we're...

Frank: That's great. So, could you go check on my house?

Big V: Dude, there's like 100mph winds outside and...

Frank: 90mph. Come on. It's not like I ever ask you for favors.

Big V: You do all the time! The police are still questioning me on some!

Frank: And you better not talk! Now...

Big V: Dude! A tree just came through the wall!

Frank: Fine. Ignore me. Whatever.

Okay, I didn't call them. I'm going to wait until the main part passes Melbourne and call (if the cells are still up).

Hope they're all right.

UPDATE: Can't reach my friends by phone, but the mayor of Melbourne is on CNN right now and says there have been no reported fatalities or serious injuries and no significant flooding.

Rating: 2.4/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (9)
The Kerry Campaign Makes Me Sad
Posted by Frank J. at 11:23 AM | Email This

Trying to get some political news, but it's all Hurricane Frances right now (her, and now Ivan is on the way!).

I still can't get over Kerry's reaction to Cheney's speech even though it was a couple days ago now. I paraphrase:

"Cheney said I'm unfit for command. Well, my response to that is: Which one of us served in Vietnam?"

The verbatim quote was funnier. You can't even parody this guy anymore. You know, my Dad was in Vietnam for nearly three times longer than Kerry, but he's not running for president. He's not even running for some podunk county position.

My advice to Kerry: fire your campaign adviser, your speech writers, and whoever made you breakfast that morning.

So what should Kerry do to help revive his campaign. Let's brainstorm.


* Die in a plane crash and have your wife run in your place.

Uh... that's all I can come up with right now. Yeah, I know Teresa Heinz has a bit of a grating personality and can't constitutionally run for president, but it will shake up the campaign if Kerry dies in a plane crash. The Japanese would also consider it very honorable.

Speaking of the Japanese, they just had a 7.3 magnitude earthquake with tsunami warnings. Glad I live in Florida and not there...

Rating: 2.5/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (28)
Just a Reminder...
Posted by Frank J. at 11:10 AM | Email This

A portion of the proceeds from each Chomps t-shirt will go to the help Frank J. Recover from Hurricane Frances fund.

Rating: 1.9/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (10)
September 04, 2004
Just Hit Florida Already!
Posted by Frank J. at 12:43 PM | Email This

Called my friends who are holed up in a new house (new means built with extreme hurricane standards) in Melbourne, FL, and they're getting pretty tired of how damn slow the hurricane is getting. Might not even hit until tomorrow now. They say the winds have already uprooted some trees around the house (there goes my magnolia tree). They're keeping good humor, but you know they're going to go stir crazy soon.

I now work in a cube farm (used to share an office) and one wall is a big window. Right next to this building is a trailer park. Damn, the building is probably going to get pelted with trailers like they were pebbles... and that building had just been refurnished and everything. My guess is they'll just have us work around the trailers stuck in the wall. I just hope there isn't any rednecks with shotguns inside who don't like anyone coming near their homes, because then that'll be annoying every time I head for the coffee pot.

BTW, SarahK is a meanie and a liar. I only hypothesized putting the cat in the lamp. I then asked her, "Do you know what she'd say if I put her in the lamp?"

And SarahK was enthraled. "What? What would she say? I must know!"

"Meeeeow!" What do you think she'd say, goofy goof? Them cats have a limited vocabulary. It's like SarahK thought her cat might say, "Oh, what a predicament I'm in, up here in this lamp. What in the world shall I do?"

Man, I'm getting tired of this hurricane coverage. I want the hear more about Kobe Bryant or some other celebrity trial! And what is Kerry saying? I must hear Kerry's wisdom!

Oh, and if you need some entertainment, check out Democratic Underground reacting to the latest poll numbers. What a bunch of muckadoos.

Hope everyone is having a fun Labor Day weekend... or an extremely sheltered one considering your location. Later, ronin.

Rating: 2.6/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (36)
September 03, 2004
Watching My Fate on T.V.
Posted by Frank J. at 07:17 PM | Email This

Was hoping to do some humor blogging, but it just isn't in me today. Might as well drop the facade - right now I'm in Amarillo, TX, taking refuge at the house of the gracious SarahK. She's at work, and I'm alone with my thoughts. Anyone who has had thoughts before knows how dangerous that can be.

Charley didn't even graze where I lived. We got in Melbourne the same amount of rain as we usual get each day during the summer. I didn't think much about Frances until I got to work Wednesday and talked to other people who had been through hurricanes. They were planning to board up that night and head out, either to the other coast or further. Taking advice from them, I then bought my plane tickets for the next day and later hotel tickets for the Hyatt in the Orlando airport so I could drive in that night to beat the possible traffic the next day in case an evacuation order was issued.

Didn't get much work done as I was waiting to see if my company would be giving Thursday off (they did by the days end) since I didn't have any vacation left. I also was fretting over whether I was making the right decision to leave entirely. I was told not to come back until Tuesday because it would be more likely Orlando airport would be open by then. If my house did get hit, though, that means it would be sitting there for a day or so exposed before I got back to it. A number of coworker who were planning on getting back on Monday gave me their number so I could find out what happened to the general area.

When I got home, mission was to put up my metal storm shutter (or whatever you call those sheets), fix up a few things in the house, pack, and then heard for Orlando. First I got some gas, and, at 5:30pm on Wednesday some places were already out and others had lines. Not too bad yet.

When I got home, I started with those heavy metal shields for my windows. Never touched them before or knew how to put them up, but luckily the neighbors next door had put up theirs or I would have never figured it out.

While I started, one panicked neighbor whom I hadn't met before came asking me questions about how to get the storm shutters. She assumed I had been hired to do it for my house because - let's face it - I don't look old enough to own a house. I wish I could help her, but I didn't know a thing about boarding up. You see, hurricane standards were changed right as my house was being built. This ended up delaying it a couple months, and I lost the vaulted ceiling in the main room and gained the storm shutters for free. A lot of people near me had their houses built months earlier and didn't have anything to protect their windows. Plus, I had heard at work there were already hours long lines for plywood the day before.

I tried to help my neighbor find someone who knew something more about hurricane preparations. My next door neighbor had been through one before, but wasn't prepared for this one. Our area had pretty much never been hit by a big hurricane - that's why the Kennedy Space Center is nearby. My next door neighbor watched a while as I bolted on those heavy metal sheets, becoming quickly exhausted in the sweltering heat and my hands getting cut up. He made a comment like, "That must be lots of fun," and I laughed. I knew I was the lucky one though for having those metal sheets, and I really wished I could have done something for my neighbors... or at least knew something to give some advice. Many people in my neighborhood are elderly, and their property is about all they have.

It was about 9pm and dark out when I finished getting the shutters up. It appeared the builder had actually given me enough sheets to protect all my windows, but, for the last window, the sheets were about a centimeter or so too short. A little engineering got them on tight. Well, I hope they’re on tight. I was afraid of running out of bolts and washers, so I only put them in every other hole. I had plenty leftover in the end, but you couldn’t just slip them in after the sheets were up.

I went inside and made a quick post to my blog saying I was on my way out. I then covered my widescreen T.V. with a couple garbage bags taped together while transferring my important files from my desktop to my laptop. I put all my guns in the safe, and that was about all I knew to do to protect my belongings. I did a quick packing, activated my alarm, and turned off all the power except to the garage and my refridgerator. Then I left. In a way, it felt a little cowardly.

The road that night was already packed more than usual, and the moon hung low and glowed a bright yellow. Thank you, God, but I already understand things are ominous. There was a big bottleneck at the one toll before I got to where I usually park for Orlando airport (Melbourne has an airport, but tickets were $200 dollars more at this one day's notice; also, I wanted to avoid having a connection in Atlanta). I parked my brand new car in what was basically an open field, assuming if it gets blown away my isurance will cover that. It was about 11:30pm when I took the shuttle to the airport.

When I came out of the elevator to check in at the Hyatt, some guy rudly shoved me coming in the elevator before I had a chance to get off. Nerves were already frayed. I checked in, got to my room, and called those concerned to say I was at the airport and ready to leave the next afternoon (my flight out was at 12:55pm). I then went to the bar because I really needed a drink. I then also realized I hadn't ate anything since the one chocolate Entemann's donut I had that morning. So I got a beer and some chicken wings. I talked to the bartender and asked him what his plans were. Hyatt was offering to shelter all their employees (in one of the ballrooms), but he wasn't taking the offer because they wouldn't let him bring his dog.

I went to bed, and at about 1:20am an alarm went off in the hotel. I ignored it until it was declared a false alarm about ten to fifteen minutes later. I then got to sleep; it wasn't too hard - reality hadn't quite hit me yet.

The morning I leisurely got up at 9am, watched the news and then showered. I took my bill and my letter apologizing for the alarm down to the lobby and then spotted that the terminal was filled with people, all in line for security. When I went to check in at Delta, the line was huge. I had two and a half hours to catch my flight. That's when the fear hit me - not just mine, but all those around me. People were panicked - though subduded at this point - about missing a flight out from Orlando. If was pretty much certain the airport was going to be closed sometime tomorrow, so there wasn't much of a window to find another flight. If I got stuck, I had no idea what I would do. Luckily a man came around asking if anyone had e-tickets. Only I had raised my hand (I guess many people came without having first booked a flight). Ended up there was a electronic check in which only took me a minute to get my tickets and check in my bags.

I now had over two hours to wait through the security, which, though longer a line than I even imagined, moved at a decent pace. Now I felt home free again. There was a lot of nervous joking in the line, and then a couple voices raised. Many were near to missing their flights. Some airline representatives were wandering around the line trying to help those who needed to jump ahead, but I have feeling many didn't make it.

As I headed to the terminals, I got a glance outside. It was a beautiful day.

When I got to my gate, I had about an hour. I hadn't eaten yet, but I didn't want to wait in line. I found a candy shop with no customers which had some juices for sale. I bought one and talked to the clerk for a bit about those metal window shields. She was worried about her daughter’s home. I don't know how most of those people could be working that day with all that was coming. God bless them for doing it.

Soon I was in the air looking down on Orlando, wondering what it would look like when I got back. Orlando was hit bad by Charley - some places were still waiting for power to be fully fixed. I hope this hurricane misses them; with the hurricane winds extending out 80 miles, there's little chance of it missing my home.

When I got to Dallas, I called those concerned again to tell them I was now safe, and then got my flight to Amarillo.

And I have to tell you, nothing takes your mind off things like poorly singing "Rocky Racoon" at a Texan biker bar.

Anyway, got tired of watching the news. Even though Frances is now a Category 3, everything about it seems to be bad news. Because it's slower, it will leave more rain and risk more flooding - which I don't think I'm insured for. Currently, the hurricane is aimed at Vero Beach which I think is about twenty mile south of me.

Just got a call from a friend who hadn't heard from me. He and his finance (they're getting married next month) had just bought a house. They shuttered it up and successfully drove to Tennessee where is family is. I found out from him that some of my other friends are all planning to hold up in one house in Melbourne and ride out the storm. Stupid bastards. I hope they prepared well. Godspeed to them.

Well, no point to this post. Just getting my thoughts out. My house is new and really shouldn't have any problem weathering the storm. My most valuable stuff are safe in a safe, except for my home theater and furniture - worth a couple thousand together. Then again, I'm young and I could lose everything and still be fine. I really am hoping to make some money off my house (it is some really great investment property), but even if I get back and have to throw rocks to knock my house out of tree, I'll recover.

Just wonder what things will be like when I get back. Will there be an Orlando airport to honor my return ticket. How will work be affected? Will there be water and power? How will my friends and coworkers fair?

Well, just had to get that off my chest. I really wanted to write some funny thing with Chomps in it to promote the new t-shirt (which I think is awesome), but that will have to wait until whenever I get back to Florida and have power and cable to blog again.

Now I'm going to watch a movie and try not to worry. Everything is in God's hands now. Later, ronin, and be safe.

Rating: 2.7/5 (16 votes cast)

Comments (41)
Keep the Ball Rolling
Posted by Frank J. at 03:03 PM | Email This

Now that the Republicans will get a bounce from their convention, what can they do to keep the momentum going? Here are some suggestions:

* Defeat protestors in mass kung fu fights. Make use of dragon claw style!

* Don't let people find out Kerry served in Vietnam. If people know that, they'll vote for him for sure.

* Bomb more countries; people love it when terrorists are bombed.

* For domestic terrorists, chase them into buildings near where Kerry is going to have a rally. Then, when he starts speaking, blow up the building and shout, "Yay! We killed more terrorists!" That will completely steal Kerry's thunder.

* Raze Massachusetts in a fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan.

* When John Edwards is sleeping, secretly shave off all his hair which is the secret of his evil trial lawyer powers.

* Cage Ann Coulter and don't feed her for a week and then release her on unsuspecting liberal pundits.

* Promise to restore all the items of hilarious right-wing bloggers that might be destroyed by hurricanes.

Rating: 2.3/5 (8 votes cast)

Comments (17)
From Pen to Rottweiler: The Design of Chomps - The Final Design
Posted by Frank J. at 02:32 PM | Email This

Since Doug already has it posted, I might as well go ahead and announce it. Once again, a million thanks to Brain Tiemann.

So here is the brand new Chomps t-shirt:


Rating: 2.6/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (37)
Unexpected Reaction
Posted by Frank J. at 12:11 PM | Email This

I just heard on FOX News that Bill Clinton had been admitted to a hospital for surgery, and my mental reaction was, "Oh my God; I hope he's all right."

Where the mindless Clinton hatred I used to have?

They just got more information: it's heart bypass surgery. Well, I hope he'll be all right.

Rating: 2.7/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (52)
No No
Posted by Frank J. at 11:55 AM | Email This

Weather lady, stop mentioning potential flooding. I don't have flood insurance. Let's just blow the house clean away; that's covered.

UPDATE: They say the hurricane is the size of Texas. How ironic.

Rating: 2.9/5 (14 votes cast)

Comments (12)
Christ Compels You to Vote
Posted by Frank J. at 11:52 AM | Email This

If everyone is touting this big "separation of church and state" thing, how come so many polling places are at churches? I mean, voting if the holiest of holies in our democracy, so wouldn't you want that most separated from churches? Has the ACLU ever complained about this?

Then again, the ACLU is always complaining. Here's a funny idea: let's pass a law saying all ACLU members must be sealed up in cardboard boxes. The ACLU would then come out saying, "This is a violation of people's civil liberties!" but it would sound exactly the same as all their other protesting, so people would ignore them. Then the law would be passed, and all ACLU members would be taped up tight in cardboard boxes. We could then take the card board boxes and hang them from the ceiling with rope. Next, we could spin the boxes or hit them with sticks.

Now what was I talking about again?

Rating: 3.2/5 (12 votes cast)

Comments (9)
Hiding Out
Posted by Frank J. at 11:37 AM | Email This

If you're wondering why I'm keeping my location undisclosed, it's because with all these hurricanes I'm thinking God is out to get me. Thus, I'm trying to stay under his radar. Why, last night I hid where I don't think God would ever find me - singing karaoke at a biker bar (I'll put up pictures later).

I know what you're saying, "We don't care about your impending doom and how you're going to lose all your worldly possession. We want our funny."

Fine, I'll try to think of something funny or two to post (I'm catching up on the news as I type). Also, I will be posting the final Chomps design and letting you preorder the t-shirt (you better all preorder it ::shakes fist::).

Rating: 2.7/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (12)
September 02, 2004
Let's Play "Will Frank's House Still be Standing"
Posted by Frank J. at 08:19 PM | Email This

Hell, I just hope Orlando will still be there so I can get back.

Anyway, I'm at my undisclosed location far from the storm now. I'll get back to some regular blogging tomorrow. If I had more time right now, I'd detail my whole escape from Florida (felt like society was collapsing). Right now, just give some prayers for everyone in Florida.

Later, ronin.

Rating: 2.8/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (23)
September 01, 2004
Batten Down the Hatches
Posted by Frank J. at 08:55 PM | Email This

Don't care if I spelled it right. Just need to tell you how fun it is to bolt large metal sheets to windows in hot humid weather. Half the fun will be taking it down. Many people in my neighborhood didn't get storm protection free with their houses, though, so I should feel lucky. Many prayers needed.

Original plan of standing in field and shouting at storm have been scratched for fleeing to Orlando tonight and getting flight from the land of wind and rain tomorrow afternoon. Will post again soon when I reach stability.

Rating: 2.2/5 (17 votes cast)

Comments (38)
From Pen to Rottweiler: The Design of Chomps - Part 3
Posted by Frank J. at 02:27 PM | Email This

Previous Episode

* * * *

Brian took my face choice and criticism and made this.

Chomps, Take 8

"Wow! Great!" I said, "Except still not angry enough. I want his eyes bugging out as he's so angry at whatever it is he is looking at."

"Aww, @$%&!" Brian said, and then tried again.

Chomps, Take 9

"Uhh, now his eyes are bugging out too much now," I said.

"Do you even know what you @$%& want?" Brian exclaimed, yet persevered.

Chomps, Take 10

"There it is!" I yelled, "Absolutely perfect! Perfect... accept for the pupils. He looks cross-eyed."

So Brian fixed that.

Chomps, Take 11

"Here you go," he said, "Now BURN IN HELL!"

And thus all that was left was to ink it, color it, and come up with the wording and font for the t-shirt - simple stuff barely worth going over.


Rating: 2.8/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (23)
Lighten the Mood with a Cartoon
Posted by Frank J. at 12:36 PM | Email This

I'm waiting for my workplace's verdict on the Hurricane Framces which will be at 1pm. Whatever it is, I booked a room at the Orlando Airport so I can drive up there tonight after I secure my house (who knows when an evacuation order will come out, and then the roads will be packed).

A lot on my mind, so, to lighten the mood, here is a drawing I did of SarahK and I at the canyon.

Rating: 2.2/5 (34 votes cast)

Comments (20) | Frank the Artist
IMAO Hurricane Plans
Posted by Frank J. at 11:13 AM | Email This

I'm going to be securing my house up tonight and flying out of here tomorrow afternoon. I may touch base during Thursday, but I will be back up and blogging on Friday from an undisclosed location (just in time for revealing the new IMAO t-shirt design).

Consider how my company is, I may need to take No Work No Pay for leaving like this, but I don't think that will happen. If needed, I may rattle my tin cup, but right now just pray that hurricane doesn't do too much damage wherever it lands.

Rating: 3.0/5 (11 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Jonah Goldberg is Ripping Me Off!
Posted by Frank J. at 10:24 AM | Email This

I read Jonah Goldberg's G-File yesterday, and had to do a double take. Tony of Oriental Redneck then e-mailed me the obvious point that Goldberg is ripping me off.

Yes, I always make references to Aquaman, so now Jonah is making references to the poor man's Aquaman, the Sub Mariner. Pretty pathetic. I heard there once was a D.C./Marvel Comics match up between the two and Aquaman actually won. Yeah, Aquaman actually won a fight. I think this shows how desperate Goldberg is getting about me taking his job. Or maybe he figures I'll be killed by Frances and he can plagiarize me at will.

We may have to do a letter writing campaign to NRO. Nothing mean that would make them hate me and not hire me, but something. Let's think about it and do it later. Right now I'm worried about my house getting blown away.

UPDATE: Just got this from Jonah Goldberg right after posting:

Dude, aquaman is a pussy!

True, but what does that make Prince Namor?

UPDATE2: When I informed Jonah of Sub-Mariner being beaten by Aquaman, he responded:

I won't listen to your lies and dirty mind tricks!

Don't have any response to that. He's just too fargone.

Rating: 2.2/5 (13 votes cast)

Comments (21)
Blogging Cancled Due to Rain
Posted by Frank J. at 08:32 AM | Email This

Because Frances is headed right for me and getting bigger, I think I'll be spending the night putting up my storm windows and then getting the hell out of Dodge the next day. Hopefully, I'll have internet access where I end up and will report back. Just wanted to give you a heads up.

Rating: 3.2/5 (10 votes cast)

Comments (17)
Primary Results
Posted by Frank J. at 06:58 AM | Email This

Yay! I voted for the winner in the Republican Senate Primary. That makes me smirt.

If I get stopped by the police, I want the Sheriff to know I voted for him after I voted against him... well I will in the general election, at least.

But Babb won! Yay Babb... whoever you are!

Rating: 2.2/5 (15 votes cast)

Comments (4)
We Shouldn't Rest Until All Palestinians Have Been Pushed into the Sea
An Editorial by Frank J.
Posted by Frank J. at 06:29 AM | Email This

 I probably should be talking about the Republican National Convention right now, but anyone who isn't a 'tard already knows to vote Republican (actually there's a great slogan: "Only 'tards vote for Democrats!"). Instead, what's concerning me is hearing about more murder of Israelis and Palestinians celebrating it.

 The Palestinian terrorists say they won't stop until all Jews have been pushed into the sea. Of course, that will never happen. That means they'll be murderous dumbasses forever.

 Or does it?

 Let's push all the Palestinians into the sea. See how they like it. If we Americans get together with the Israelis, we'll easily be able to push the Palestinians anywhere we want.

 Now some may say they have problems with this plan. They may not want to get sand into their shoes. This can be solved by having a nice pier to push the Palestinians off of so you don't have to walk on the beach. Also, there can be plenty of signs saying "Push Palestinians this Way" that point to the pier.

 Others may wonder how in the world could we be sure we pushed all Palestinians into the sea. Easy. After we push each Palestinian into the sea, we give him a "I was pushed into the sea" card. Then, he can show that card to keep from being pushed into the sea again. No claiming you lost the card, though; into the sea you go!

 It will be hard work pushing Palestinians into the sea, but they should learn some important lessons from it. One, they will find that being pushed into the sea is not a nice thing. It is wet and salty. Second, they'll know for sure that we're bigger than them and we can push them around. So that's why this must be completed. Yes, it will be tempting to say, "I think we've pushed enough Palestinians into the sea," but we must not rest until all Palestinians have been pushed into the sea.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Tricking Girls into Cuddling for Warmth" and "Look at Me! I'm an Author!"

Rating: 2.2/5 (23 votes cast)

Comments (26) | Editorials

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