“Is my seal big enough?” Obama asked the press as he pointed to the big seal on the front of his podium. “Can you all tell I’m going to be the president?”
“We get it, Obama,” one of the press answered.
“Anyway, Biden and I are here to introduce our new national security team.”
“Hi, everybody. Good be here,” Biden said.
“I’m limiting him to five words per statement to try and limiting him saying anything embarrassing,” Obama explained.
Biden put his hand on Obama’s shoulder. “Clean and articulate, though black.”
“Are we supposed to know who that old white guy is?” one reporter whisper to another.
“I think he’s who Obama ran against.”
“The first cabinet position I will announce,” Obama said, “is my choice for Secretary of State: Hillary Clinton.”
Hillary Clinton stepped up to the podium. “It will be my pleasure to serve this administration, and I hope it will be a great success on the international stage. If it’s not, though, I plan to resign in a very public manner while blaming all of Obama’s failing on not listening to me.”
“Do you still plan to follow up on your vow to ‘swallow his soul’?”
“That’s a personal matter between me and him,” Hillary answered.
“At least we didn’t get another black person with a funny name,” Biden remarked. “‘Condoleeza’. Come on!”
“That’s more than five words, Biden.” Obama looked back to the press. “The next cabinet position I’m announcing is Secretary of Defense — Robert Gates.”
Robert Gates walked over to the podium. “Obama was unable to find any Democrat who didn’t vomit and wet himself at the thought of violence, so he asked if I’d stay at this job.”
“You promised change,” a reporter said to Obama, “but so far you’ve announce someone closely associated with the Clinton Administration and a Bush appointee. How is this change?”
“Let me be clear,” Obama said. “My promises of change during the campaign were empty words. Empty meaningless words I said to get stupid people excited about me and give me money — stupid, disgusting, dimwitted people who were easily manipulated by empty phrases.”
“Everyone here smells!” someone yelled. Everyone turned around to see an old man wandering around in bathrobe looking confused.
“Reid, I told you to stay in your office and get a nap!” Obama yelled. “Anyway, let’s continue. My choice for Attorney General is Eric Holder.”
Eric Holder walked to the podium. “With Elian Gonzales, you all saw how I don’t have a problem pointing a machine gun at a small child. Think of what I’ll do to criminals.”
“Probably nothing,” one reporter remarked.
“Who was that?” Holder shouted. “Was that FOX News? Someone point a machine gun at him!”
“Moving on,” Obama said, “My choice for Secretary of Homeland Security is Janet Napolitano. She lived in a border state.”
“So what are your qualifications to secure the United States?” a reporter asked Napolitano.
“I can see Mexico from my house!” Napolitano answered.
“Hey, you know how hard it is to find any Democrat who knows anything about security,” Obama explained, “and I needed at least one woman in my national security team.”
“What about Hillary?” a reporter asked.
“What about her? Anyway, the last position to announce is National Security Advisor, and I found like a Marine General for the position.”
James Jones the Marines took the podium. “I have never been around such a bunch of dickless sissies, and I have not stopped vomiting since agreeing to be a part of the Obama administration.”
Obama patted him on the back. “That’s part of the differing opinions I want to have in my cabinet.”
“Don’t touch me!” Jones snapped. “You’ll get gay on me!”
Obama chuckled. “So these are the people that when a crisis happens I’ll call them into my office and say to them, ‘I have no idea what’s happening! I’m in over my head! Someone please do something! For the love of all that’s good and decent, won’t someone qualified please do something!'”
“We won’t let you down!” Biden said.
“You’re not part of the team,” Obama replied. “I only said you could stand on stage in front of the press if you’d be relatively quiet.” He looked to Hillary. “And you — stop rubbing your hands together evilly. It’s freaking me out.”