People’s Front of Judea

Since I live in Boise and my dad has season tickets for BSU, I’ve been following college football more closely. It’s hard, though. Know why?

Because they won’t give colleges different @#$%ing names!

“I thought Boise already played Idaho?”

“No, they played Idaho State University. This is the University of Idaho.”

“THAT’S THE SAME @#$%ing THING!”

If I call this Frank’s Blog, is someone going to correct me and say, “No, this is the Weblog of Frank.”? No, because they both mean the same thing. And could someone come out with a fast food chain called “Of McDonald” and not get sued? So why can’t colleges which cost millions of dollars and teach thousands of people be bothered to come up with actual different names? It’s all over, too. Like there’s Florida State University and University of Florida. I know one of those teams is the Gators (and I guess the other is probably the Alligators), but how am I supposed to keep track of which one? I bet even the players get confused when teams with names like that play each other. Perhaps the fans even leave the stadium not quite sure if their team won or lost.

You don’t get this problem with Ivy League schools.

“So he went to Harvard University like you?”

“No! He went to the University of Harvard.”

So that’s what those extra tens of thousands of dollars pay for.

In My World: New National Security Team

“Is my seal big enough?” Obama asked the press as he pointed to the big seal on the front of his podium. “Can you all tell I’m going to be the president?”

“We get it, Obama,” one of the press answered.

“Anyway, Biden and I are here to introduce our new national security team.”

“Hi, everybody. Good be here,” Biden said.

“I’m limiting him to five words per statement to try and limiting him saying anything embarrassing,” Obama explained.

Biden put his hand on Obama’s shoulder. “Clean and articulate, though black.”

“Are we supposed to know who that old white guy is?” one reporter whisper to another.

“I think he’s who Obama ran against.”

“The first cabinet position I will announce,” Obama said, “is my choice for Secretary of State: Hillary Clinton.”

Hillary Clinton stepped up to the podium. “It will be my pleasure to serve this administration, and I hope it will be a great success on the international stage. If it’s not, though, I plan to resign in a very public manner while blaming all of Obama’s failing on not listening to me.”

“Do you still plan to follow up on your vow to ‘swallow his soul’?”

“That’s a personal matter between me and him,” Hillary answered.

“At least we didn’t get another black person with a funny name,” Biden remarked. “‘Condoleeza’. Come on!”

“That’s more than five words, Biden.” Obama looked back to the press. “The next cabinet position I’m announcing is Secretary of Defense — Robert Gates.”

Robert Gates walked over to the podium. “Obama was unable to find any Democrat who didn’t vomit and wet himself at the thought of violence, so he asked if I’d stay at this job.”

“You promised change,” a reporter said to Obama, “but so far you’ve announce someone closely associated with the Clinton Administration and a Bush appointee. How is this change?”

“Let me be clear,” Obama said. “My promises of change during the campaign were empty words. Empty meaningless words I said to get stupid people excited about me and give me money — stupid, disgusting, dimwitted people who were easily manipulated by empty phrases.”

“Everyone here smells!” someone yelled. Everyone turned around to see an old man wandering around in bathrobe looking confused.

“Reid, I told you to stay in your office and get a nap!” Obama yelled. “Anyway, let’s continue. My choice for Attorney General is Eric Holder.”

Eric Holder walked to the podium. “With Elian Gonzales, you all saw how I don’t have a problem pointing a machine gun at a small child. Think of what I’ll do to criminals.”

“Probably nothing,” one reporter remarked.

“Who was that?” Holder shouted. “Was that FOX News? Someone point a machine gun at him!”

“Moving on,” Obama said, “My choice for Secretary of Homeland Security is Janet Napolitano. She lived in a border state.”

“So what are your qualifications to secure the United States?” a reporter asked Napolitano.

“I can see Mexico from my house!” Napolitano answered.

“Hey, you know how hard it is to find any Democrat who knows anything about security,” Obama explained, “and I needed at least one woman in my national security team.”

“What about Hillary?” a reporter asked.

“What about her? Anyway, the last position to announce is National Security Advisor, and I found like a Marine General for the position.”

James Jones the Marines took the podium. “I have never been around such a bunch of dickless sissies, and I have not stopped vomiting since agreeing to be a part of the Obama administration.”

Obama patted him on the back. “That’s part of the differing opinions I want to have in my cabinet.”

“Don’t touch me!” Jones snapped. “You’ll get gay on me!”

Obama chuckled. “So these are the people that when a crisis happens I’ll call them into my office and say to them, ‘I have no idea what’s happening! I’m in over my head! Someone please do something! For the love of all that’s good and decent, won’t someone qualified please do something!'”

“We won’t let you down!” Biden said.

“You’re not part of the team,” Obama replied. “I only said you could stand on stage in front of the press if you’d be relatively quiet.” He looked to Hillary. “And you — stop rubbing your hands together evilly. It’s freaking me out.”

Congressman: Obama’s Senate Replacement Must Look Like Barney Fife

CHICAGO (AP) – The race to replace Barack Obama as Illinois’ junior senator heated up Tuesday as Rep. Bobby Rush, D-Ill., called on Gov. Rod Blagojevich to name a Barney Fife look-alike to the seat.

“Can anyone match Obama’s Fifitude?”

By playing the celebrity resemblance card, Rush – who himself regularly picks up chicks by claiming to be Fred Sanford – made dopplegangery an issue for contenders for the seat. Rush said it would be a “national disgrace” if Obama’s seat were not filled by a Fife-Alike-American.

“The US Senate is a solemn legislative body,” said Rush, “where weighty issues of global import are debated and deliberated. Obama’s comical resemblance to the awkward and dimwitted deputy of Mayberry brought much-needed and nigh-irreplaceable levity to the proceedings.”

In addition to looking like the TV Land mainstay, Obama’s speeches often bear a resemblance, too. Usually when his teleprompter breaks down. Most memorably during a heated partisan debate on the best way to go after Bin Laden, when Obama accidentally broke the tension by saying, “We’ve got to nip him in the bud. You read any book on successful war strategies, and you’ll find every one of them is in favor of bud-nipping”.

Gov. Blagojevich is currently considering Illinois State Senator Dave Syverson for the position. Despite the fact that Syverson is a Republican, Blagojevich still considers him the best man for the job. “America is at a critical crossroads in history,” he said “and I’ll be damned if I’ll let petty party affiliations keep me from appointing to the US Senate the thick-lipped, jug-eared, bug-eyed, bullet-in-his-shirt-pocket, man-of-action that this country so sorely needs!”

I Wonder If He Could Beat Aquaman?

I’ve been hearing stuff lately about Frost Nixon. Is that like some new superhero? If so, he sounds awesome!