Obama Proposes New Tea Control Policy
WASHINGTON (AP) – Responding to the rising threat from right-wing extremist groups, President Barack Obama today proposed a bill that would implement strict controls on the use of tea, a weapon favored by domestic terrorist groups.
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“One of this country’s founding principles is the right to keep and bear tea,” said Obama, “but with that right comes certain responsibilities. Some radical extremist groups are not living up to their responsibilities, and have used their tea in a criminal and irresponsible manner to disrupt the democratic process and threaten our government offices, our waterways, and even our lawns with acts of criminal tea-dumping.”
The President emphasized that he has no problem with groups that use tea for legitimate purposes.
“Old women, effeminate Brits, and bored housewives who like a cup of chamomile to wash down their Prozac are not the problem,” said Obama. “The problem is that, too often, tea can fall into the wrong hands, and I think that yesterday the whole nation witnessed the tragic results of that. What this country needs is reasonable, common-sense restrictions on tea to ensure the safety of ALL Americans.”
Some of the restrictions proposed by Obama:
* mandatory safety locks on tea cups
* registration of fully automatic teamakers
* halting the sale of boxes of tea that contain more than 10 bags
* requiring permits for carrying concealed tea.
* banning the sale of any tea equipped with a pistol grip, bayonet mount, or flash suppressor
“I believe,” said Obama “that with these few prudent and sensible limitations, we can reduce tea violence in our cities, protect our children from accidental over-caffeination, and halt the uncontrolled flow of our tea into Mexico, all while still fully respecting our Founding Fathers’ admiration for warm, leaf-based beverages that has made this country great for over 200 years.”
(28 votes, average: 4.93 out of 5)
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April 16th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Mandatory 200 hours of tea safety training in order to get a permit to purchase or possess tea.
A ban on cheap “Saturday Night Special” teas.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:42 am
YOU CAN TAKE MY TEA FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS!!!!! hey someone had to say it……
April 16th, 2009 at 11:45 am
They can have my English Breakfast tea K-cups when they pry them from my cold, unplugged Keurig B-70!
April 16th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Other proposals up for ‘debate’: 1] Restricted tea shipment by mail.Teamailers must be fully licenced and registered with Bureau of Alcohol,Tea, & Firearms. 2] Fatherland Security Agency will set up tea-detectors at airports,train stations,bus stations and taxi stops. 3] Random body cavity searches at the border for smuggling of illegal tea into the country.(Proposed by Bawny Fwank, seconded by Gary Studs) 4] The FBI will be authorized to infiltrate Mother/Daughter Teas across the country in an attempt to quell spontaneous tea insurrections 5] Coffee houses and Cafes will undergo rigorous training as to the brewing and dispensing of tea.They will be required to report any suspicious tea activity to their local ACORN precinct captains.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
“More tea my dear?” >>>”I’ve had nothing yet, so I can’t take more.”>>>”You mean you can’t take less, it’s very easy to take more than nothing.”— From the above depicted illustation
April 16th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Don’t forget to restrict purchases to only one box of tea bags a month.
Nobody needs more than that.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
We clearly need a “tea bag czar”!
April 16th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Will says:
Barney Frank is too busy. You’ll have to find someone else.
April 16th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
If you made an explosive out of tea would it be a Tanninbomb? And would you stand around it singing “Oh, Tanninbomb, oh, Tanninbomb?”
April 16th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Harvey again brews up a classic cup o’ funny! Earl Grey should be our mascot! And we’d all run about squealing “Pekoe-Boo” to DHS operatives looking to strain us out of the rest of society.
Or we should start a Green Tea Party; that would be favorably reported, until they realized what we’re up to…
April 16th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
To sell tea you will need a Tea Transfer license, a TTL. The BATF mentioned above will check the TTL’s log books to confirm that all tea has been transfered properly.Onlt a special TTL can sell you an automatic tea maker after a background check and pay a $200.00 Tea Transfer Tax.
April 16th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Where can I get a holster for my tea? And are we talking sweet tea or unsweet tea? Sweet tea, being favored in the South, the land of rightwing extremists, is probably more likely to be used for violent purposes and so should be more strictly regulated than the unsweet tea of the North.
One more thing; am I allowed to carry my tea on campus? If so, must I purchase it at a University retailer or may I bring my own? Do I have to register with the University police department? If I can’t carry, can I just have some in my car?
April 16th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
So it’s the Bureau of Alcohol, Tea, Firearms, and Explosives, now?
April 16th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Since when protesting domestic terrorism>? I agree with most of the news coverage of this warning: http://www.newsy.com/videos/u_s_homeland_security_s_bizarre_warning/
Protesting is a constitutional right, and it is something Americans should do more. We can’t let the government get any bigger than it already is.
April 16th, 2009 at 5:35 pm
We must raise the taxes on tobacco to pay for tea rehabilitation and enforcement efforts. We must also raise taxes on those families that work and make less than 250K a year. Those rich people should pay for the tea they bitterly cling to.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
You’ll be seeing a run on tea sellers like Starbucks, CB&TL, and Gloria Jean’s before the ban goes into effect. Laws prohibiting the sale of tea within 1000′ of schools, parks, and churches will be passed. Groups like the National Coalition to Ban Tea, Legal Community against Tea, and the Juan Valdez Campaign Against Tea will spring up. Customs and Border Patrol will have tea-sniffing dogs walking around the vehicles coming in through the border checkpoints.
Will my high-capacity tea boxes be grandfathered in? Will I have to register my automatic tea maker? Will Black Tea be labeled as “Assault Tea”, while only Green Tea remains lightly regulated? What about Herbal Teas? Are they even tea at all, and therefore not regulated? Will there be restrictions on age to buy tea, such as 18 to buy Green Tea and 21 to buy Black Tea?
April 16th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Coffee!!!
April 16th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
Tea-sniffing dogs.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:09 am
FWIW, fully automatic tea makers really are dangerous and should be illegal.
I don’t mean teakettles, which boil water.
There’s a Hot Move on the Coast for custom-grown $10/cup tea. And being the kind of people they are, they intend to make this stuff with steam, like they do espresso coffee, which makes a nice dessert twice a year but has FUBAR’d the definition of a “cup of coffee.”
Steaming tea leaves releases some Real Bad Shit which is poison. Please remember later that I tried to warn you. This is like what happens when an anti-gunner takes a pistol away from a teenager and shoots himself in the foot with it.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
CSo is this a violation of the 32nd amendment? The one about the right to pursue and attain serenity?
April 17th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Just don’t burn it. Confuses the cops.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
They’ll also be micro-stamping tea bags to be able to identify if tea has been used at any party, and by whom.
April 17th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
In Texas we have the right to conceal and carry our tea, so the bad guys with tea will think twice before they decide to brew something.
April 17th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Mr. Lipton and Mr. Tetley will not be pleased. I urge them to organize protests!!
April 17th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Buy a can of Brisk and be ready to submit to a background check!
April 18th, 2009 at 3:06 am
ALL WAYS ARE MY WAYS, said the Queen ( Supreme Emperor of the Universe Barak O’vomit)
April 19th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
[...] Hilarious Parody of Obama on Gun Control – Tea Control [...]
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:57 am
Protesto contra esto.
January 16th, 2011 at 11:15 am
Mr. President, I Like this quote “but with that right comes certain responsibilities. Some radical extremist groups are not living up to their responsibilities, and have used their tea in a criminal and irresponsible manner to disrupt the democratic process and threaten our government offices, our waterways, and even our lawns with acts of criminal tea-dumping.”
electric tea kettle