Do You Love America Enough to Bomb Puppies?

The Whitehouse seems to think that Saddam will use human shields, but I never got the point of those. If I were going to have a shield, I’d rather have steel or something. People, on the other hand, just ain’t that good at stopping a bullet. Sure, if it hits a bone, that may work, but you know that’s not guaranteed. Instead, it will probably just go through the intestine and still be going pretty fast upon exit.
I guess the idea of the human shield is that we’d not want to kill these people. That’s just silly. The human shields are going to be Iraqis and liberal protestors, people everyone hates and wants dead. Some may say that the Iraqi civilians have never done anything against us, but, then I rejoin with, “Well what the hell have they done for us?” In these trying times, I think our standard for not getting bombed should not be so simple as someone not being a threat, but they should also have to shower us in riches and praises…. or at least buy us coffee. Only those who flatter us should not be smoten by our awesome might.
If you want a good shield, I say use puppies. Build a fortress out of kennels filled with playful puppies. Then have more puppies running around, chasing a ball or having a tug of war with a piece of rope. Then, when they give the briefing to the troops and show them video of their target, everyone will be like, “Hey, look at all the cute little puppies.” And even the most hard-hearted Marine upon seeing a thousand cute little puppies will say, “That’s got to be six more puppies than I ever thought I could personally kill.”
Of course, Rumsfeld, who swallows puppies whole for sport, will then yell, “Those puppies sympathize with the enemy! They must suffer, then die! After this operation is over, I want enough puppy skulls to shingle my roof!” That’s Rumsfeld, always the voice of reason.