This weekend, I tried to pull out all the weeds in my front yard so my HOA wouldn’t yell at me. But, after pulling out a certain weed patch, I uncovered an ant nest, and they attacked me and everything.
IN MY OWN YARD!
Now I have itchy bumps on my hand that itch. To help others, I sent my crack research team to find out all they can about the diabolical ant.
FUN FACTS ABOUT ANTS

* Ants live in colonies, just like bees and early Americans.
* While bees communicate through a dance, ants communicate through musical theater.
* Much like the potato, ants live in the ground. They only emerge to commit acts of evil… also like the potato.
* With ants, all the laborers are female while the male just sit around or sometimes have wings and can fly. Ain’t that sweet.
* Oh, so that’s how to get rid of ants for good – feminism.
* The queen ant, contrary to popular belief, in not a flaming homosexual male ant but instead the female leader of the ant colony.
* The queen ant produces all the off-spring for the colony. If she were able to collect welfare checks for all her children, she’d be like the richest woman in America – richer than Oprah.
* Your parents’ sisters may be referred to as “Aunts” which is spelled differently but pronounced the same as “ants.” Aunts usually take a much larger dose of pesticide to kill.
* Large swarms of ants have been known to attacks towns and kill people. I’m not sure if these ants are the same as you’d find in your yard, but I’m not saying they ain’t. Assume all ants to be extremely deadly and out to kill you and your family.
* If surrounded by an angry ant swarm, the ants are too small for knives and bullets. I recommend a flamethrower.
* If you don’t normally keep a flamethrower on you, then, frankly, you’re too dumb to live.
* If you see a single ant, he may run off and warn others to swarm you. Destroy by stamping.
* An animals rights activist might not like you killing an ant. Destroy by stamping.
* Some ants actually eat wood. These are called termites.
* And they aren’t ants.
* An ant farm is a great way to learn about ant evil in the convience of your own home. If you get tired of the tunnels they dug, an ant farm is reset the same way as an Etch-A-Sketch.
* Ants have body parts called the abdomen and thorax. One of those sting you, but I’m not sure which. I’d say stay away from both.
* If stung by ants, it can cause itchy bumps which make it hard to type fun facts about ants to warn other with. This is yet another of their natural defenses.
* Ants can lift fifty times their own weight, but, come one, what’s like the heaviest ant you ever seen?
* In a fight between ants and Aquaman, ants would eat Aquaman’s eyes, cruelly leaving him alive and even more useless than before.
* Ants will often invade your home and take it over. This is legal thanks to the Kelo decision.
* Ants have six legs, six being the number of the devil!
* I guess a seven-legged beast would be really holy and really awkward.
* Ants can be killed with a poison called “ant poison.” You could try using rat poison instead, but rats might steal it all first. Those thieving rat bastards!
* You can use bait traps to try to kill ants, but they say right on the side “KILLS ANTS DEAD!” I’m not saying ants can read, but no one has proven they can’t.
* Ants will often bother you at a picnic. A good way to keep them away is to put up a sign that says, “NO ANTS.”
* I know you can read, you ant bastards!