So first the beloved Zarqawi gets all blowed up, and now new raids have just captured 759 terrorists and killed 104. And the new head of al Qaeda in Iraq, Abu Ayyub al-Masri, is jumping at every loud noise. It just ain’t a good day to be a terrorist. Maybe it’s time to find new jobs instead of randomly killing people.
NEW JOBS FOR TERRORISTS
* Illegal Immigrant: Maybe you can do the jobs that even the Mexicans won’t touch. Whatever it is, it can’t be worse than hiding in caves and being shot at.
* Democrat Politician: Good at ranting about how the Americans are doomed in Iraq? Then liberal bloggers will love you! Also, appearing on video announcing empty threats is what Democrats do best.
* Spammer: Maybe spam about penis enlargement would be more effective if it was written by people who personally know the pain of having a small penis.
* Employee at My Local McDonalds: I don’t really want to have terrorists nearby, but the place is understaffed and I’m sick and tired of waiting twenty minutes for my double quarter pounder with cheese.
Any other job ideas for former terrorists?
Maybe they could take over at the UN. The UN doesn’t actually have any accomplishments under their belt. At least the terrorist do get something done, albeit blowing themselves up. I wouldn’t mind them teaching this trick to Kofi.
they could be tele-marketers, because they are so darn ANNOYING!!!!!!!! maybe at some place that sells bacon…. but i haven’t received any bacon selling tele-marketer calls lately…
College Student – Ivy League Schools are apparently falling all over themselves to enroll ex-terrorists
TV Journalists – What is more terrifying than a TV journalist, this is a natural
Cab driver – What do they have to lose and they already don’t speak the language
Speech writer for Ted Kennedy (D-UI), Dick Durbin (D-ICK), Nancy Pelosi (D-UMB), John Murtha (D-OUCHE), etc.
They could be extras in movies about Middle Eastern terrorists, adding to the realism of the story. And maybe they’ll see that George Clooney, Matt Damon et al are total tools and put a jihad on them instead of America and all will be right at last.
I prefer they just take on new jobs as worm food.
Bacon selling telemarketers? Maybe there’s a market niche just waiting for some bold entrepreneur. There’s a company out here that does home delivery of bacon, but they also deliver milk and dairy products.
They could be crash test dummies – study the effects of high-speed impacts on real human bodies. That way, they’d provide a real contribution to our society.
How about (very) short term employment as a target at the local range?
Divorce attorneys. The training for the two jobs must be a whole lot alike.
munitions testers.
How often do we get to the see the effects of prototype munitions on real human subjects?
No more expensive dummies.
-Pig farmers.
-Ballistic Munitions Impact Testers. (target)
-Food for the animals at Sea Wolrd
-DNC volunteers
-NASA space probes
We could use a new producer for the podcast.
-Seat cushions for the morbidly obese
-foot stools for conservative bloggers
-Howard Dean’s breakfast (Raaaarrrrrrggghhhhh!)
-Runway models for Women’s Underwear (not because they’d look hot… but for the utter humiliation.)
Nice! I like.
How about developmental parachute testers? Of course we also need to pay back Mexico for the millions of their citizens they have given us.
“DUCK!” farmer
weapon, “Food for the animals at Sea Wolrd”, that would be cruelty to animals!
Road Rage Dummies: Scatter them along the Inter-states so when some moron cuts you off you can vent your rage by knocking one into the median!
Extras for Death Race 2000 sequel: “Death Race 2007, The Road To Bagdad lies through France.”
My three year old needs to learn how to swing a bat. We make videos teaching children about the proper way to swing a bat using the terrorists as the baseballs.
They should be allowed to work from home and terrorcommute. Then if the bomb isn’t a direct hit and only collapses a terrorist’s residence, the poor guy won’t have to trouble with self-repairing a concrete-shrapnel-shredded chest cavity. Also he’ll have ready made bandages after gathering up the tent shreds.
It will also cut down on the expense and strategic drawbacks of terror cubicles.
Do what they’re good at…child molesting.
hmm. other jobs that a terrorist might be competent to do:
1) Nigerian spam scammer: Easy hours, nice benefits, and easy access to cash;
2) Minefield map tester: Just a little to the left;
3) Democrat talking point tester: Just a little too left perhaps; and
4) Ivy league professor: They’ve got the student base already, so might as well go all the way.
Daisy-cutter tester or Daisy pusher i dunno something to do with daisies.
Pig Farmers
Pig Shit Remover
Pig Washer
Pig Enima Giver
Pigglet Tender
Pig “Blower”
Portable Speed Bumps
Reactor Shielding
Altenative Ingredient for Puppy Smoothies
Almost forgot: Expendable extras for a new John Woo/Chow Yun Fat movie: “Hard Boiled 2: Even More Dead Innocent Bystanders”
I hear Maureen Dowd is looking for a man. Let’s give her several thousand!
Why don’t we give them their own state and let them do what they are already good at: blowing themselves up. Think about it, encourage them to move to Antarctica, give them enough C4 to blow themselves up and make sure they don’t leave. The terrorists kill themselves AND those poor polar bears can have plenty to eat!
I suggest cupholders. Think about it — those round holes in the middle of their turbans are perfect!
DrEvil you’ve made a rookie mistake, it’s Nancy Pelosi(D-YKE)
Ground Zero markers.
Cemeteries are always on the lookout for new worm feeders.
Crash test dummies
sorry weapongradecrazy, we’d have to import polar bears to antarctica (they are native to the OTHER pole). Then the bears would be illegals on THAT continent. we’d have to send them BACK to the north pole, and we’d have to pay for all the terrorist-laced bear poo to be disposed of in an environmentally friendly way.
but i’d bet the bears would think they’re tasty…let’s work on the logistics, the plan has some merit.
Michael Moore leftovers eaters…of course they’d probably starve to death inside of a couple of months and probably down a couple of fingers because they reached for the food before he was done with it…but it sounds like the perfect job for them.
Let’s make them build a monument to Holocaust victims.
Big bubba’s b*tch – jailhouse perps need lovin too!
They could be trolls on conservative sites. I need more practice punching monkey faced liberals in the face. BTW, where’s MFL when you REALLY want to laugh at him? Maybe in custody over in Iraq?
“Pig farmers.”
“Pig Shit Remover
Pig Washer
Pig Enima Giver
Pigglet Tender
Pig “Blower”
Those are very good answers. All those answers are actually very altruistic towards swine, not unlike soulmates, loyal colleagues, nurses, good friends, caregivers & devoted lovers do for their dear ones. It’s the same reason why they won’t eat pork in any form; they abstain as a professional courtesy.
Get a house in Newport. Try to blend in with other crazy rich people. Trade in scimitar for golf club. Climb up neighbors trees and expose one’s self to their daughters. Hang out at the Kennedy compound. Enter the America’s cup competition. For the competition your last minute secret advantage turns out to be a fully functional gun turret. The judges are appalled at your literal interpretation of the phrase “secret weapon” was not within the spirit of fair competition. You counter that nowhere in the rulebook did they specifically prohibit armaments.
Well, why not just do a lateral shift?
They could all get jobs as Frenchmen.
No work, great benefits, and they share a long tradition of losing.
Orion