The possible arson at Palin’s church has made people wonder whether they need to worry about liberals setting fire to their churches. It is a concern.
Now, a liberal is an insane, hate-filled creature and is never going to be near a church except for purposes of evil. If you see a liberal near a church, immediately question him. “What are you doing here?” “What are you planning?” “When will you next bathe?” I also like to violently shake the liberal at this point.
If you find matches or a lighter on the liberal, it’s a good idea to smack him around a bit while asking, “What do you plan to do with this?” It doesn’t matter what he answers; just keep smacking him until he leaves.
If you find this helpful, you might want to put it in your church bulletin.
I’ll have this put in our bulletin, along with little clip-art of some matches…to help bring the point home.
I’m kind of in favor of having large paint guns mounted on top of churches so that when liberals are sighted on private church property they can be marked with quick drying indelible paint or ink. That way they can be seen from far away. Orange would do, we don’t have a victim group claiming that color yet.
Some might consider this coming close to “the mark of the beast” but I think it’s just a safety issue. After all I’m a simple woman. (oxymoron alert)
Frank, your method seems a bit indirect. I prefer a quick punch to the face. Saves time.
>seanmahair says:
>December 15th, 2008 at 11:02 am
>I’m kind of in favor of having large paint guns mounted on top of churches
Actually, wouldn’t Holy Water be better? It’ll burn their skin and they’ll run screeching off into the night.
That only works on vampires. We’re talking liberals here. They wouldn’t be affected by Holy Water…. you have to believe in something before it can affect you.
No they believe in ink, paint and orange. Besides I’m a Christian and my brother Jesus wouldn’t want me to actually hurt them. I just want to tag them, like seals, polar bears and skunks.
That way they’d be protected (wink, wink, nudge, nudge say no more….)
You people have it all wrong. You shouldn’t be mean to liberals you find lurking around your church. You should invite them in for services. Most likely they will demur saying they don’t want to disturb anyone or they have somewhere to go. Insist – tell them everyone is welcome – even liberals.
When they are shown inside (escorted, dragged…whatever) the sight of so many nice, clean, well-dressed, polite, loving people will surely warm their hearts – probably to the degree that they burst into flames.
You know it’s kind of creeping me out, but the little purple guy that got assigned to me (right here >>>>>>>>>>>>>>)
looks just like me. How did you guys do that?
Smack ’em. Smack ’em Hard! Then try the Holy Water 🙂
While this tip is important, I would suggest that it’s more important to stay away from liberal churches.
You know, like this or this.
Badandy, good for you, by my Veeshirs look nothing like my avatar. That’s the Southern Vesher.
Oh DamnCat. You are so baaaaaddddddd. Which of course in our world means that was awesome. Burst into flames! Of course you probably want to escort them outside before they do that. After all a fire, is a fire, is a fire.
If nothing else, the Holy Water could serve as a much needed bath….
It doesn’t count if you don’t add soap.
As a mother of 6 (two of whom are boys, and you know I’m right) I’ve had this argument for the last 25 years. Somehow girls just get it (sexist I know but the truth is the truth)
Thank you for posting this balanced and rigorously documented article, which echoes my own thoughts on this matter.
However, a close reading reveals some tiny, inconsequential flaws.
For instance, in its zeal for balance and rigor this article implies that the Wasilla church incident is the genesis for the general consensus that liberals are dangerous. However, liberals have been known for centuries as the chief sponsors of evil in the world.
Further, it is well-known that liberals universally belong to incense-burning Satanic child sacrifice cults, and often shop at convenience stores. And at convenience stores there are for sale what are euphemistically termed “cigarette” lighters. Clearly, the tools of the arsonist and the tools of the incense-burning Satanic child sacrifice cultist are the same.
Having established beyond that liberal incense-lighter-wielding members of incense-burning Satanic child sacrifice cults are guilty of this horrible crime and many others, we can only dread an even greater danger: a backlash against Muslims.
There’s an IMW in here somewhere, I just know it. Maybe featuring the Grinch with some kerosene and a box of matches having a close encounter little Piper Lou Who…
I recommend forced baptisms. Hold them under until they stop struggling. If they are a liberal, they will float. Then you can burn them (but dry them out thoroughly first). All the incendiary items in their pockets will thus be neutralized and they’ll burn a lovely shade of pink.
It’s been reported that Hillary Clinton may have visited Gov. Palin’s church and immediately upon nearing the altar, burst into flames and flew out an open window cackling maniacally…
Agreed. In fact, Deuteronomy 33:11 advocates punching Liberals in the groin. I wonder if can convice my pastor to put that in the Church’s newsletter this week.
But why do we need to wait till they are near the church?
Going along with #s 6 and 16, we should open our Southern Baptist church services to Liberals. After one round of passing the offering plate and being held under water, followed by dinner on the grounds and all the congealed jello salad they can stomach, they’ll either convert or flee.
#19 Plentyobailouts: It’s a church outreach program, that’s why.
Question: Does this technique work for liberals hanging out outside Mormon churches and temples? We’ve had a bit of a problem with that lately.
Why waste your energy questioning them? If you save your breath, you might have somewhat more efficient breathing so you’ll have more energy to dedicate to the beating-up part of the plan. Just an idea to consider.
When considering conversing wtih Liberals about church…just consider Christ’s talk about “casting pearls before swine”, punch the liberal in the dumb monkey face and move on…
Now that is some funny stuff!
Love the
“it’s a good idea to smack him around a bit while asking, “What do you plan to do with this?” It doesn’t matter what he answers; just keep smacking him until he leaves”
part!!!
No, the holy water in Catholic churches and baptismals in evangelical churches are for putting out the liberals who have burst into flames.
Now granted, shortly after the the liberal starts burning, he will begin to smell the marijuana that was in his jeans, which is also burning, and will then resist your efforts to help him, save him, or put out the fire so he can get high. He will then threaten you with lawsuits, call you intolerant, a fear-monger and a racist the closer you get to your snuffing out his joint. He will ask you if you have any spare needles, any spare condoms and will likely look for a tree to hug.
But don’t listen to him (as usual), just douse him with the holy water or, better yet, toss him in the baptismal. If there are any chairs or short pews nearby, toss them in on top of him so that he is sure to get to the bottom.
Then, as suggested above, walk down to the store to get a bar of soap. Get some de-louser as well.
When you get back, pull him up and get to washing him with that soap bar. Be sure to stick it in his mouth and scrub really good – that seems to be one of the filthiest parts of him.
When his mouth is clean, saw open his skull and use that soap bar on his brain so that his filthy mind gets clean (Notice: very few liberal subjects actually have a large brain inside the skull, but if you pull back the great big ego and move aside the layers of lies and delusion, you will find it under the smoke screen; it will be right next to the Obama false idol near the bottom).
seanmahair holy water wont work . However soap and water sure as heck does. 🙂
Holy water in itself doesn’t work. You have to add soap and perhaps a bit of deodorant. This will provide the effect of a liberal running away, screaming in agony. Just in case that doesn’t work, have a razor on hand. If you hold up a razor, it does have the same effect as holding up a crucifix to a vampire; the hippie / liberal will cringe and cower, and begin backing away. Incidentally, both of these methods work against the French as well. If you really want to protect churches, I’d suggest plastering the exteriors of churches with images of Ronald Reagan. this will have the same effect as garlic on a vampire. If all else fails, and a liberal does approach the church, have a staff sergeant from any branch of the military handy. The minuet any liberal comes within 100 yards of church property, send the staff sergeant out to begin pitching recruitment…I guarantee said liberal will beat the world record for the mile run…in the opposite direction.
Yes, Eros, the recruiting staff sergeant will get the liberal running away in a heart beat! LOL. Great line!
In rural northeastern Vermont, there has been a spate of church vandalism/arson. This past weekend, somebody shot .40 caliber bullets at a pair of churches in the same town. There may be more to this than meets the eye.
motopolitico, welcome to the party, come on in the waters fine. Those of us who have been paying attention find all of this no surprise. There is a war going on and has been since the world began. Don’t look now but the forces of good are losing ground at a phenomenal rate.
Noah and his son’s were the only righteous people on the face of the planet before the flood, how much better off are we now? Finding a righteous individual is worse than trying to find a virgin in Beverly Hills. I wish I could offer you some comfort but my give a dang is so busted. I wish they would all get a lightening bolt to the forehead, but that’s not how it works, hence why I’m not in charge.
Oh well……
“The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting, It has been found difficult;
and left untried.”
– G.K. Chesterton, What’s Wrong with the World, 1910.