Frank J turns 30 today. Wonder how he’ll celebrate?
I speculate thusly:
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* Making a pilgrimmage to that new Reagan statue so he can lay a wreath at its feet made of commie scalps.
* Working on his own version of Riff Trax. The bad news is, the only line he can come up with is “I weel eet ur eyeballs and throw poo at u!!!”. The good news is that this actually works as a pretty good replacement for any line by Jar Jar Binks, so “Phantom Menace” is almost done.
* Giving up on dinosaurs armed with rocket launchers. Now working on rocket launchers that fire dinosaurs.
* Trying to warn Obama about the Dick Cheney Assassination Squad in order to save the nation from 7 years of “President Biden”
* Building up the callous on his trigger finger.
* Marking the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre by flying to the Square and mooning every Chinese Army soldier he sees. Which is especially rude because Frank has an American flag tattooed on one cheek and the words “Commies Suck!” on the other.
* None of your damn business how I know that.
* Asking Stephen Crowder how he gets such bouncy, shiny, manageable hair.
* Re-reading Fun Facts About Idaho to see if there’s ANYTHING to do in that damn state that doesn’t involve potatoes.
* Figuring out a way to punch three hippies at once using only two fists that doesn’t involve being Fred Thompson.
* Same way he celebrates every birthday – seeking black-market fissionables while shaking his fist at a natural satellite.
Speculate on Frank’s activities or leave him a birthday message (or both) in the comments.
You can drink vodka in Idaho, damn, that still involves potatoes.
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eeking black-market fissionables while shaking his fist at a natural satellite” = funniest thing I’ve read in a while.Who is the good looking gay fellow in the photo?
30? ..Does this mean we cant trust him anymore? I never could understand the concept of “birthday” in the context of clebrating. I understand the time marker portion but I fail to understadn the concept of congratulating someone on having continued to suck air for a defined period of time. Whats to congratulate? The air suckage is purely self serving and the alternative would be deadly……. Ok I think I get it now…. Congrats Frank on having passed another year without having done something incrediably stupid enough to get your self killed…… Am I on the right track?
* Building the trigger on his callous finger.
* Wondering why that long Idaho valley he lives in is so HOT (and not with babes!)
* Wondering if Twittering on his birthday is enough – or should he actually do something for his blog thingy besides Twittering on it.
* Hating commeters like Jimmy who keep mentioning Twittering while considering making a head call.
* Thinking Harvey runs a pretty good blog and must be on vacation also or he wouldn’t have the time – unless Obama laid him off with that bank bailout. (! Hehe, I crack myself up.)
* Finding his wife hiding and reading her – what’s that hand-held reading thing called? Tweddle?
My guess is that Frank is actually a plant from the left to infiltrate us crazies on the right. Then, he can ask to borrow our guns and, when we try to get them back, he’ll just hold them high over his head and tell us he is seizing them for our good.
So, I bet he’ll just go to Whole Foods, buy some organic squash, attend a Transgender Studies lecture at Boise State, and watch the Michael Moore marathon on MSNBC.
Prove me wrong, Frank! Prove me wrong.
Happy Birthday Franklin Jehosaphat Fleming! Now that you’ve reached three/quarters age,( I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but you passed middle age a while ago, I think its you Idahoe-ans diets loaded with potatoes, but anyway), you don’t have to be so self conscious anymore. Let it all hang out! Hitch up those white pants! Yell at those young people! Tell people to stay off you lawn and start telling boring stories about the war to people you don’t know on the bus! I would celebrate your birthday a little more, but it is also Barack Hussein Obama’s birthday too. Well, not really birthday, but Existenceday! Our president is so gosh-darn special that every day he graces us with his presence is a gift from (secular) god. So naturally, other person’s birthdays are naturally diminished.
Happy one year closer to the embrace of sweet, sweet death day, as birthdays will be known after Sotomayor sends all nonlatinas to the forced labor camps.
As a resident of south western Idaho, let me help you guys out with some of this.
1) There is no Whole Foods in Boise. Instead of hippies making money by growing organic squash in their basement with their “Stash” and selling it to a heartless corporation, Idaho hippies influenced by the free market principals that infuse Idaho, started their own Co-Op in down town. Not only can you get vintage imported wine, and natural saffron to make authentic Brazilian style rice, you can get dysentery and a contact high from the unwashed 35 year old handling your food.
2) Sorry Jimmy, Idaho has the second most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. With the Latter Day Saints and their secret evil genetic program to create the most beautiful women on the planet, Southern Idaho is over populated gorgeous, moral, right wing women who won’t give me the time of day. (I don’t know what the Mormons do with their ugly women, but I have yet to see one.) The only place I’ve ever seen women prettier in general than Idaho is northeastern Oklahoma. Something about, what the locals call, “Not polluting the gene pool” makes the women EXCEPTIONALY HOT and the men look like something that was created at the N.I.M.T.H Laboratories. It’s a great trade off.
The best thing about turning 30 is when somebody calls you on something completely stupid you have done. Instead of using the old “Dude, I was soooo wasted” line; you are now old enough to look the person in the eye and proudly say “So what?!? I pay my taxes.”
If Frank is doing the Tiananmen Square thing, might I suggest he cover up the portrait in the square with a Nuke the Moon poster, and draw in an “I” in front of anyplace where Mao’s name is written.
Well if 40 is the new 30, doesn’t that make 30 like the new 12 or something? I can never get it straight.
BigRichardSmall,
All the ugly Mormon women are in Utah. Come take a look. Of course, a lot of very pretty Mormon gals here as well.
And Boise is just a short jaunt from Oregon so don’t tell me Frank can’t find a Whole Foods. He’s probably the largest shareholder and has a seat on the Board of Directors. I’m telling you, I can’t shake the feeling that he is evil incarnate. I bet when Sotomayor is thrown under the bus, there will be our Beloved Leader and the black guy who reads it introducing Frank as our next Supreme Court justice. All this about paying his taxes and supporting the military is just so much maryjane ash to Mr. Fleming.
Creating a fake blog so he can submit an award for IMAO. Cough cough.
You guys is funny.
“* Wondering why that long Idaho valley he lives in is so HOT (and not with babes!)” -Me
See, BigRichard, I think I need to explain that obscure and slightly ambiguous sentence. It’s not that there aren’t really hot babes in that valley, because I know there are. I seen ’em standing near fence posts. It’s that today, Frank can’t think about them because: (a) He’s actually thermally warm and is wearing an Obama ice bucket to keep a cool head; (b) Harvey’s got him nervous about the fine job he’s doing; (c) wife wants a new Twindle (Kwindle? Twiddle?); (d) he’s communing with the birds, bees and bears in those Idaho mountains and can’t see all the babes down on the potato farms.
Which makes me think of that great 19th century theatrical song:
“How You Gonna Keep ‘Em Down On The Farm, After They’ve Seen an Idaho Potato Farm?
I certainly hope he comes up with something better than his excursion on Tuesday. I know vacations can be stressful for some people, so I hate to think about how the added stress of turning the big three-oh might play out.
Happy Birthday, Frank. What is this, like 30? Man, I remember 30. I still felt like I was 20, but smarter.
35, on the other hand, was like being eaten by a grue. In the dark.
1) Frank J. fires guns in the air to see if gravity is still a law. 2) Frank J. lobs M-80s at zombies in Boise. 3) Frank J. makes a spud gun, because he’ll never run out of ammo in Idaho. 4)Frank J. Twaddles on Twitter to his Tweety Bird. 5) Frank J. buys a bottle of Boone’s Farm at the local Albertsons. Downs said beverage, then punches every hippie he sees( real or imagined). 6) Manmade Carbon Output causes blizzard, Frank J. smiles at the Blonde with the gun, reminds her it’s his birthday and he’s King-for-a-day. 7) Frank J. falls asleep a happy man, and dreams of Nuking The Moon.
You know “30” is an old journalism indicator used at the bottom of news stories or press releases.
It usually appears like this:
-30-
It means “the end.” Just thought you’d like to know.
Happy Natal Day Frankie. It’s all over but the drooling now ; )
BigRichardSmall, I am a northeastern Oklahoma gal, so thanks! ‘Course, I do currently live in Hippieland USA but I still consider myself an Okie.
I’ll never understand the point of food that’s been prechewed by bugs. I’ll take my worm-free tomatoes with good ole pesticides, thanks!
And oh yeah. Happy birthday um…..Frank.
BigRichard……… wow I didn’t know we Mormons had a evil genetic program going on to create the worlds most beautiful women but that explains why my four girls are much prettier than I am (I’m a convert) but my grandbaby is absolutely the most beautiful baby ever (of course I’m not prejudiced at all).
The sweet spouse actually lol’ed at that. Thanks for the giggle.
Oh and captmoroni, we ugly women need love too. (sob, sniffle, snort)
RightWingTink
The coment was tongue in cheek especialy since my comment about the guys. I’m origionaly from McIntosh county by Lake Euphala. Maybe that’s why the hot Mormon girls won’t give me the time of day.
But going off of the averages of the women in the area Tink, You are more than likely exceptionaly attractive.
BigRichardSmall, I’ll take your exception since my family tree forks and branches. 🙂
#27 – Well thank God for that.
Which Hippie Land are you stuck in? They seem to be spreading all over this Manifest Destiny and we need to know where the hot Conservative women are moving so we can breed the hippies out.
Please submit resume, bikini photo and headshot please.
Butt WHO IS the nice looking gay chap alongside the article?