Been meaning to do weekend open thread posts, but it’s the weekend and I don’t like doing stuff. Still, I got one of them iPad things, and I thought I’d try out writing a blog post from it.

So… a discussion topic…

We lost to Ghana at soccer and have been humiliated on the world stage. Should we not care — as usual — or should we blame the failure of Obama’s leadership? Frankly, both teams should feel lucky they didn’t all drown in oil.

Apparently, Tansocean — the largest offshore drilling contractor — bans its employees from having knives. This nearly killed some people on the BP rig because they weren’t able to cut the rope to a life boat.

Let’s analyze this like like we’re not morons for a minute. You have employees that you don’t trust around sharp objects because you’re afraid they’ll randomly stab each other, but you do trust them to be in charge of equipment that if damages can cause one of the greatest ecological disasters in human history?

Are there really people out there who think that complete psychopaths can function normally in society as long as we keep dangerous objects out of arm’s reach? Or is it that people just say, “Knives are sharp! Let’s get rid of them!” and then don’t think any beyond that? These are the marks of people too stupid to function in normal society. They should be locked away and kept from dangerous weapons… except they somehow always end up in charge of making policy. These were the people who were unable to sharpen a rock in the caveman days and then got stepped on by large creatures. Unfortunately, we no longer have something to sort the useful people from the idiots like a woolly mammoth anymore.

Ron Paul thinks that Republicans may elect a libertarian-minded candidate in 2012. I certainly prefer libertarian-leaning candidates. I think the simple solution is less government and people make their own choices and that works best for everyone.

But we don’t want any full-bore libertarians.

I don’t know what it is, but when you go all the way down the libertarian path, it leads to complete insanity. Just look at Ron Paul followers — they’re pretend-to-be-Spock-and-bite-each-other crazy. The libertarian philosophy seems reasonable enough, but it somehow always leads to candidates who accidentally dye themselves blue or carry around a pet ferret named Gustav.

So anyway, let’s definitely get someone in 2012 sympathetic to libertarian ideals who is adamantly against fiscal irresponsibility and government expansion — and for individualism — but if any candidates start foaming at the mouth, screaming “FIAT MONEY!!!!!”, back away and don’t make eye contact. Still, pure libertarians have a place in the GOP, but they’re sort of like Murdoch to the Republican A-Team: They keep breaking him out of the insane asylum because he’s useful for certain situations, but they’re not going to put him in charge of anything. Or there will be much fool pitying.

Arizona doesn’t care who they piss off. First they decided to actually enforce federal law which made like everyone angry. Then they got rid of that separatist, multicultural crap from their schools. And now they’re turning lions into burgers. While everyone else is like, “Oh, what majestic creatures!” Arizona is like, “Food!”

Arizona is just a rogue state that doesn’t play by the rules — the way America is supposed to be. I heard federal officials went down there to yell at them, but they forgot their ID so Arizona deported them to Mexico. I wish we had more states like that.

Excitement!

I haven’t actually watched any more soccer because those vuvuzelas make me murderous, but I’m excited to hear we won our group and advance to the next round to play Ghana. And if we beat Ghana, then… well, I don’t really understand the competition structure. But something will happen and America is super winner number one!

I think I’ve gotten the rules down pretty well. You kick the ball and don’t touch the ball with your hands… unless you’re the goalie. And you try to kick the ball into the other team’s net. And sometimes that gives you a point unless the referee decides he doesn’t like your country.

Here’s my question: Have they thought about hitting the ball with sticks? I bet things would play even better if they used sticks like in hockey. They should try it, because maybe there isn’t anywhere in the soccer rulebook that says “NO STICKS!” And they might not even be able to check the rulebook because so many countries play soccer that who knows what language the rulebook is in.

Anyway, now that we’re out of the first round, that means no more ties (I think). I hope we crush Ghana. A completely blowout like 2-0. Except that Ghana is this little African country with a per capita less than $2000, so it feels kinda mean to crush them. We should beat them, but give them some encouraging words. Unless they blow vuvuzelas, because then they have no souls and then I don’t care what happens to them.

Al Gore was the focus of some sexual assault charges? Wow. Then again, he did spend a lot of time around Bill Clinton. Of course, it could all be a mistake; maybe the masseuse ran into some tree branches and thought it was Al Gore groping her.

I don’t know what to say other than to repeat my usual advice of keeping a good distance away from Al Gore. He’s always going on about crazy made up stuff like elves, leprechauns, and carbon credits, and who knows — he could be dangerous. Just don’t get alone in a room with him.

“As you can see from this slideshow, global warming is melting the polar icecaps at an alarming rate. Now I’m gonna feel you up.”

I was wondering what happened to Steven Crowder as I hadn’t gotten a video from him in a while. Maybe he thinks he’s too good for us now that he’s a FOX News commentator. Well, here’s his Louder with Crowder from hosing RedEye last night:

So Mexico is joining the lawsuit against the Arizona law. Basically, their whole country now depends on a broken border system, so they’re all in on us having an immigration mess. I’ve been wondering, though, have they ever thought of just burning down Mexico and collecting the insurance money? I mean, this whole having a country thing was obviously a mistake for them, and right now the insurance on it has to be a lot more than the country is actually worth. With all that money, they can give up having a country and maybe just live in the Bahamas or something.

General McChrystal is working on a memoir of his time with the Obama administration, and IMAO has exclusively obtained some excerpts from it.

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I think the indication I we had that maybe President Obama was a bit of a wimp on the issue of war was when we first entered the room he sank in his chair and shrieked, “Scary military men!” And I wasn’t sure how much of our plans he actually heard since most of the time he was curled up in a ball under the table, sobbing uncontrollably.

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President Obama tired to be more engaged in the war planning, remaking how he liked all the pretty colors on the maps. He became disengaged again, though, when he couldn’t figure out how to relate the war in Afghanistan to passing a health care bill.

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I had to waste a lot of time again today answering Biden’s questions, repeatedly having to explain to him what a helmet is. I for one don’t know why they don’t make him wear one regularly.

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In retrospect, the way I gave Obama a wedgie in front of everyone and then forced him to do a mass e-mail telling everyone he has girl parts where man parts should be may have undermined his credibility as a leader and probably was a mistake.

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I eventually decided to just go ahead and tell Obama that we had tried hugs in Afghanistan because I got tired of him asking if we did at the beginning of each meetings. And how many times do I have to explain to him that you can’t replace the explosives in our bombs with rainbows?

I’m glad a judge struck down that moratorium on offshore drilling, because I was really afraid I’d have to do my drilling in the middle of the night when no one was watching which is dangerous. See, I had just gotten an oil rig recently because I really like oil and want lots of it. BTW, drilling is not that easy. Well, it seemed easy for a while because water is super easy to drill through, but eventually I hit that hard stuff that’s under the water and it wasn’t so easy anymore. Still, eventually I’ll get that oil and stockpile barrels of it in my backyard. Then, when Obama causes the country to collapse and it’s like Mad Max, I’ll be able to use my oil stockpile to be King of Idaho. Pretty cool five-year plan, huh?