If you’re going to put someone in charge of the American auto industry to save it, I think it should be me. I have actual ideas on how to sell more American cars.
First off, they need to be bigger. Like enormous. The first thing people should say when they see the car is, “Holy crap!” It should be big enough to run over and crush other cars. The front of it should also resemble a skull.
See, here’s the marketing strategy: People who buy these new American cars will run over and crush smaller dinky cars. Those people will be forced to buy new American cars so they don’t get crushed again. That’s basic economics right there.
To make the cars cheaper, no more union labor. They’re stupid and expensive. Instead, robots. But not just any robots. Robots with two arms. One arm will be for working on the car. The other will be for wielding a switchblade in a menacing manner. This makes sure no one messes with the robot. It’s a quality control feature.
Now Congress is going to be like, “Your cars are too big. They’re putting too much carbon in the air. Carbon hurts babies. Blah bla blah bla blah.” So I’m going to send my robots to their houses. The robots take pride in their work and don’t like people denigrating it. They will cut you for that. Soon Congress will stop passing laws against awesome cars because of their natural fear of robots with switchblades.
So that’s my plan for the American auto industry. Oh, also I want to look into whether open carry laws means you can mount a machine gun on your car. That will be an optional feature.
Have you ever taken a sip of coffee and started laughing before you could swallow it? You know, an uncontrollable – but careful – laugh with your mouth closed?
Yeah… eventually, I was able to swallow. That should have come with a *Spew Warning*, Frank.
This sounds great. The cars will have to have names like “Roaring Death”. I’d love to own a 2010 Frank J. Roaring Death.
Don’t forget to include a robot to sit in the passenger seat so you can use the HOV lane. Also, there need to be regional adaptations such as:
Robot to watch the mirror so driver can apply makeup while taking on the phone (Bay Area CA version)
Robot to watch the mirror so driver can apply makeup while taking on the phone while drinking cappuccino (Seattle WA version)
Robot to watch the mirror so driver can aim rifle at roadside animals (ID/MT version)
Robot to watch the mirror so driver can aim rifle at other drivers (Southern CA version)
Deluxe, water- and air-tight, Hoffa-sized trunk (NJ model)
Complementary life jackets for back seat passengers (MA model)
Easily removable interior panels with plush, lined compartments for concealing all your favorite prescription drugs (Canadian model)
Easily removable interior panels with plush, lined compartments for concealing all your favorite non-prescription drugs (Mexican model)
See, as much as I love the robots with switchblades, it’s a little roundabout. I would just lie to congress and say that my cars not only are environmentally friendly, but actually fight global warming. They’re stupid enough to believe that. Plus, when the world doesn’t end in a couple years, I would take credit for single-handedly stopping global warming with my giant cars of death. Then, I would be a hero and get elected president and start cleaning house. Hmm, it’s almost too easy.
In most cases, it’s a “concealed carry” law. So there needs to be an option to hide the machine gun behind the headlights. Or in the grille, disguised as an oil cooler.
They need to swivel so you can wipe out the idiots on both sides.
Of course, I’m like Jimmy- I’m still blowing the coffee out of my nose. There should be a warning.
Tommy, we need the MN version with a robott to laugh at Franken jokes!
Why do you have a link to the Obama store on your website?
#5 — Robots are too smart than to laugh at alfrankenstein jokes.
Well, this plan makes about as much if not more sense than all the other ones floating around out there. Let’s give it a shot!
#3 you forgot the
illnoise version — Bucket seats
Frank J version — Cage to prevent monkey attacks
Republican Underground Version — Backseat big enough for an elephant with a robot and rocket launcher
You had me at the hood-mountable machine gun.
I need to be able to vaporize any car in front of me that does not know how to keep traffic flowing. We need those motorists off the roads and out of the gene pool.
And oh yeah, what #4 said.
I like my $6,750 Five Ton 6×6 Truck weighing in at 18,000 pounds and 11.5 feet high. It makes lifted 3.5 Ton civilian SUVs with 36″ tires look like toys.
Did I run over your prius? oops!
Chicago version: rear paddy-wagon option suitable for corrupt politicians.
This model will go fast. There are so many opportunities here for hauling.
Right now, I’m not buying any car…ever…from any US car manufacturer owned or controlled by an evil US government ‘Car Czar’. It’s crazy, but buying a car from a nationalized US auto manufacturer is simply Un-American. Won’t do it.
Unless, perhaps, if they come with rocket launchers, death rays, and rooftop launcable Personal Predators armed with missles. (You could pre-emptively strike with your PP at traffic jams miles ahead of you to clear it out before you get there….. That would be kind of cool AND American.)
But that’s the only caveat to my new rule I can live with. Otherwise, it’s Domo Arigato & Heil Bimmer for me….
Basil, you are a very astute substitute blogger for when Harvey goes on vacation, and this hard-hitting news article is no exception. It’s tiresome constantly reading partisan political attacks disguised as economic analyses, so this brief, but well-researched, rigorously argued and thoroughly documented work is a source of true intellectual of pleasure.
But if Frank were here, I believe he might have some small objections. I’ll do my best to state them as he would, though my powers of expression would appear pale and wan next to his colorful work. Still, expect to laugh very strenuously as you read what follows:
First, there are certain legal impediments to advertising vehicles with the stated purpose of causing death to the other drivers on the road.
Before I go on, I apologize. To find out for what, you must calm your laughter if you can and continue reading.
Second, it’s traditional to claim that larger vehicles are still fuel-efficient. If I may be so bold, a vehicle such as you describe would clearly be the most efficient one in its class.
Finally, there would be no point to having robots in an automated factory be armed. This reveals a common misconception, that robots should be armed.
So with that, I am pleased to have the opportunity to inject some levity into an otherwise serious web site. I’m sorry if you laughed too hard to finish, but if you did, you didn’t read this, either. Perhaps I should move my apology higher up. I know, I will use foreshadowing. And now you know why I apologized.
I’ve always bought cars built by us carmakers, but if the govt goes thru with this UAW bailout plan, I’ve bought my last “american” car.
Another awesome idea, Frank. I like the skull on the front part a lot. And the robots with swtchblades? Brilliant! I sure as hell would never mess with a robot with a switchblade.
Can I get mine with a 30 mm Gatling cannon mounted on a turret so I can handle “threats” from all sides? You never know when you’re gonna run across a herd of hippies and I might dirty up my tires running over them.
Plus if a Prius manages to avoid me running over it I’d like to have the option of shredding it with 30 mm shells. In fact, I think I’ll just shred ’em with the Gatling cannon instead of running over them. Save wear and tear on my tires, dont’cha know?
Soon Congress will stop passing laws against awesome cars because of their natural fear of robots with switchblades.
Frank, you win the internets. That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.
If Robots with switchblades are outlawed, only outlaw will have robots with switchblades.
Didn’t they already do this in one of those Mad Max movies? At least the “front of the car looks like a skull” thing. And, if memory serves me, it wasn’t exactly the Garden of Eden in that show.
I would say that rather than have the vehicle be an obvious killing machine, I prefer stealth. The larger the better, but stealthy nonetheless.
My car companies would have a transformer-type thing that folds out of the grill and turns into one of those things on the Discovery Channel that shreds cars and refrigerators and stuff. Then, you could calmly pull up behind the little puddle-jumper, push a button, and all of a sudden there’s one less car on the road and one more that has become a fine silver mist that will seed clouds and stuff. Then, we can claim to actually clean the environment.
Another possiblity would be a big pan that comes out of the side and acts like a spatula – push a button and the idiot in the other lane on the cell phone is upside down skidding down the highway and screaming like a banshee.
A third requirement would be a gun that shoots piranas at cars with music coming out of them loud enough to be heard inside my car. I bet the music would drown out the screams as they try to get the piranas off of them!
Finally, I would also require more horns. As the wise man, Homer Simpson, said “you can never find a horn when you need one”.
[The quote was: “You can never find a horn when you’re angry.” Please don’t butcher the classics. -Ed.]
Excellent….I concur.
Here is the first “new” model you should release. It was designed in the late seventies by Mr. Blutowski, but it’s a “classic” and should sell very well.
Pic: http://www.ridelust.com/wp-content/uploads/aa_1964_lincoln_continental_animal_house.jpg
Design Credit: http://blog.kir.com/archives/images/Belushi_in_Animal_House.jpg
Lovely idea, Frank. I would like to nominate Cameron, the Terminator chick from Terminator, Sarah Connor Chronicles as the robots – then she could additionally distract people like Ted Kennedy and possibly others. 🙂
As for machine gun cars, I like that idea too – we could have a whole Twisted Metal / Vigilante 8 thing going here.
I don’t know, Frank…robots with switchblades sound rather wimpy. What the “big 3” need to do is start producing terminators armed with GAU 2’s and unleash them against hippies, pseudo-environmentalist liberals and democrats. That way, we can erase all the pansy environmental regulations, and the “big 3” can return to the golden age of the late ’60’s / Early ’70’s muscle cars. This would also do away with all the homo tuner-cars, and return to genuine Americana…big cars with mammoth V-8 engines. There’s nothing more American than V-8’s at full song.
Personally, I’d like to mount a turret with a 75mm cannon on the top of my truck. This comes in useful not only when spotting a Prius or the like with multiple liberal bumper stickers, but especially when I see one of those new French style abominations that are beginning to populate the roads. Nothing says, “I’m gay!’ or “Flaming Liberal on Board” like those little French clown cars. All must be destroyed!
Just put welding arms on the ED-209 from Robocop,
(here’s his myspace page)
he is already in Detroit and heavily armed.
Sort of like a mechanized UAW member who doesn’t retire.
Question. Are there really people working on the line at these joints making 85 dollars an hour, ’cause I gotta say my sympathy for them is directly tied with my inability to get a job paying more than 15 dollars an hour with a BA degree?
Now I’m all for letting the market set the price but seriously that is one glutted pig. It’s a wonder it’s lasted this long.
Welcome to the real world ladies and gentlemen.
(I wonder what the police and firemen are making in Detroit and do they get hazardous duty pay)
No, I’m pretty sure the $85 figure represents not the hourly wage but the cost to the employer of wages, insurance,
401-k contributions, uniform allowance
(if there is one) both halfs of the social security tax, etc.
I get a statement of pay and benefits annually from my employer that includes all of those things, and it is usually a third higher than my wages for the year.
With the more generous benefit package the UAW and Big 3 have agreed upon, the hourly wage is only (only!) about half that figure, and I have heard that $40/hour is closer to the truth.
OK, I’m board with this, but only because you promised to cut congress.
We need to think about more energy-efficient and non-petroleum-based fuels for the next generation of vehicles.
I’m thinking nuclear. It’s cheap, efficient, and clean (so long as you don’t break the reactor). They’re working on making smaller nuclear reactors already, we just need to convince them to make ones small enough to fit under the hood of an SUV.
Robots with switchblades are OK as far as they go but I think you need at least a few with death rays. The kind that shoot out of their eyes when they look at you.
“Yeah… eventually, I was able to swallow.”
Too sexual, Jimmy.
#20 # cptnmoroni:
I’d like to add the option to the car of a large catapult. If you can’t run over them, shred them with a cannon, then pick em up and fling to the side of the road where they belong.
Sex is in the brain, DC.
Eh, so-called “American” cars are so over.
The Big Three automakers for the past 25 years have been Honda, Nissan, and Toyota – quality products, non-union, and are actually still built here too.
Giant Skull Cars made by switchblade wielding robots! I love it! Where can I buy one?
BTW, I ride a Harley. What can we do for the Motorcycle industry?
Gee Jimmy don’t tell people things like that. They’ll start expecting “Oh sweet mystery at last I’ve found you” every time they try to think.
A person is smart, people are dumb, panicy, dangerous animals -Agent K.
Can we get an Oregon version, too? Robots that shoot wooden arrows?
#34 – UndercoverHippie,
The local leftard paper did a full-page story about the “Smart Car”.
It has a 1000cc 3 cylinder engine.
Your Harley is probably larger, with more horse-power.
When the guvm’nt get around to the motorcycle industry – we’ll only be allowed to ride mopeds to maintain parity.
They wouldn’t want the people in the clown cars to suffer a loss of self-esteem at the sight of bikers actually enjoying riding their machines!