Catlin W. writes:
Dear Frank, I’m a 15 year old girl and I was just wondering, why are conservatives such studs and liberals such pussies?
Though there are some exceptions (such as John Collins), most conservatives, such as me and Donald Rumsfeld are total studs, while liberals are a bunch of little pussies. That’s because liberalism goes completely against manliness, as it is all about whining about how unfair things are and worrying about offending people. Conservatives, on the other hand, don’t whine; they just kick, punch, and shoot things when they don’t like the situation. And we don’t worry about “offending” someone; if someone feels offended by me, they can wait for me out side and we can settle it mano-e-mano.
That’s why all the ladies are like, “Frank, you’re almost too manly.”
And I’m like, “Don’t worry, baby, I can be gentle too.”
“Tell me again about your views on fiscal policy.”
“I just like less taxes so I have more money to spend on the ladies.”
“Oh, Frank, take me now and talk dirty to me about family values!”
…Uh, I think I strayed off topic. Anyway, I hope I answered your question, Catlin.
George S. asks:
Is the Universe expanding or contracting?
Great question. To answer this, one must first determine what type of universe we have. The possibilities are a closed universe (positive curvature) which is finite, a flat universe (zero curvature) which is infinite, or an open universe (negative curvature) which is also infinite. If the universe is infinite, then it will always be expanding. If it is finite, it will eventually contract and collapse upon itself. So how do we know what type of universe it is? That is found by measuring the universe’s critical density. By the best measurements so far, the critical density is surprising close to that of a flat universe (zero curvature). Of all the infinite possibilities of curvature that the universe could have, it seems more than a coincidence that measurements point towards a flat universe. If you take dark matter into account…
Sorry, I just cracked up; all that stuff I wrote before was just total BS I made up as a joke. Sorry to be jerking you around like that. Now to actually answer your question, the universe is similar to that represented in the game Asteroids. When you fly your ship towards one side, you come out the opposite side. This makes the universe doughnut shaped. How can we be certain the universe is doughnut shaped? Well, for one thing, doughnuts are yummy. Plus, doughnuts are the same shape as bagels, thus the universe’s shape fits with the Zionist conspiracy. Also, the game Asteroids is still addictive after all these years, so that has to mean something.
So think of the big bang as one asteroid being destroyed at the center of the screen and breaking into four pieces that fly outwards. That’s the universe expanding. Eventually the pieces will reach the edges of the screen and the come out the opposite sides, heading back towards the center – a collapsing universe. Sometimes a UFO will appear. If you shoot that, you get extra points. So, the universe will expand until all the galaxies go out one side of the screen and then it will suddenly start contracting.
Still, that leaves the question open to which state are we in now. I believe currently the universe is expanding, because I think I remember some guy telling me that once.
Venomous Kate asks:
Why are you not reading my blog on a religious basis?
Well… uh… the reasons are three fold. Uh… it’s like…
Okay! I admit it! I’m completely illiterate! Somehow I faked my way through high school and college to get a degree in Electrical and Computer Engineering by looking at the pretty pictures in the books. I write this entire blog by using voice dictations software. There, now you know. I hope you’re happy. Excuse me while I cry myself to sleep (for a one hour power-nap) period
I meant to write the. Mark, not the word. Argh! You stupid software! I’m just yelling at you; stop writing what I am saying. Backspace backspace delete. Ah, Dammit! May you burn in the fiery depths of Hades!
Damn Microsoft! It’s probably going to freeze now and

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject “Frank Answers”. If I didn’t use your question today, I still may use it later.

Victor S. asks:
Have there been any attempts at a Ninjatocracy in any world governments? If so, why haven’t they been reeking havoc and reported in world media? Cover up? If not, please explain why this most utopian of societies would have failed.
The Ninjatocracy is an old form of government, and it was only tried for one period of time in human history: 235 B.C. to 165 D.E. in China. Leadership was chosen by who could best flip out and cut people’s heads off. Their economy was supported by going into other countries, flipping out and killing everyone, and then taking whatever they needed. It was totally sweet. They also stole booty from their arch-nemesis, the pirates.
What finally ended the Ninjatocracy was they went to Japan and pissed off some badass samurai. Samurai kick ass. The samurai went like SLICE! SLICE! STAB! and took out all the ninjas. I want to be a samurai when I grow up.
For more information on ninjas, consult the ninja authority.
John Collins of Pave France asks:
Why are you such a pussy? Were you born a pussy, or did you just hang out with a lot of French people as a child?
I’m not a pussy; you’re a pussy, pussy. Why don’t you go back to your pussy weblog and write some pussy posts about what a pussy you are, pussy.
Thanks for the question.
Odie asks:
What happens if an irresistible force hits an unmovable object (Michael
Moore for example)?
First off, I make the jokes here. Michael Moore is not an unmovable object, because he is quite moveable by the smell of cooked pork.
I’ve gotten a lot of variations of this question, so people must think it’s a really hard question, but I don’t see what’s so complicated about it. If an irresistible force hits and unmovable object, the unmovable object would change color. Probably to purple; if it was purple, then to some other color.
Now ask me a hard question.
Richard R. asks:
Why do light bulbs screw in clockwise?
The short answer is that when the dead body of Thomas Edison was found, next to him was a shattered light bulb and the message “only clockwise” scratched into the desk. I could just leave the answer there, but I wanted to know why Edison left such a warning.
So how can I screw a light bulb in counter-clockwise? The answer is, just push really really hard. With a lot of force, I pressed inward and twisted counter-clockwise, eventually mangling the metal guides enough to have the light bulb in far enough to make contact. I then plugged the lamp into a socket controlled by a light switch. I stood there for a while, marveling the unique entity I had, the only lamp with a light bulb screwed in counter clockwise. Then I flipped the light switch.
Instead of light, a black vortex emerged from the lamp, and out emerged electricity in a humanoid form. “I am Thantor, being of pure energy and conqueror of worlds!” it announced, the sound of its voice emanating from its entire body like it was one large speaker, “You have released me from my prison. Now I shall kill you just as I killed Edison and then destroy this puny world!”
“Dag-nabbit,” was all I could think of to say in response. I then immediately grabbed the nearest gun. This being my guest room, it was only a 9mm (I never really contemplated home attacks while in the guest room – especially not by beings of pure energy). I fired my Walther P99 at Thantor, but the bullets disintegrated on contact.
“Your puny, German-engineered weapon is no match for my power!” it laughed.
I then tossed the gun at its head. “Ow! You wanker!” it yelled, clutching its electric face. I then ran out of the room. “Yes, run, puny human!” it mocked, “Delay your inevitable death.”
But I wasn’t going to run for long. I had just had my ass handed to me by a platypus, a three-toed sloth, and Glenn Reynolds, so I had something to prove. I put on my rubber raincoat and rubber kitchen gloves to protect me from the electricity (ha, and my mom thought I would never use them). I then took a couple Chi breaths to prepare for battle, and ran back into the room.
“Rarr!” I shouted, trying to summon in me the homicidal rage of my hero Donald Rumsfeld. I then came at Thantor with a flurry of punches. “Being of pure energy?” I yelled, “Now you’re going to be a being of pure pain!”
Thantor feebly tried to fight back, throwing a punch at me, but I used the momentum to shoulder throw him back into the vortex. I then quickly leapt for the light switch and ended the nightmare.
Grabbing a hammer, I smashed that light bulb. That was fun, so I took out some more light bulbs and smashed them too. Now I have to go to the store and buy some more spare light bulbs.

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject “Frank Answers”. If I didn’t use your question today, I still may use it later.

Elliot Temple ask:
Is Abu Mazen good or bad? What about the roadmap thing?
As we all know, having just google searched the name, Abu Mazen is the new prime minister of Palestine. I was very hopeful he was a good man, but then I found out he was a Palestinian; they like to blow up people and are bad. If the Palestinians want good leadership, they should elect a nice Jewish boy.
As for the roadmap, from the context of your question I assume you’re talking about the roadmap in the pocket behind the driver seat in my car. I never use it because I just chart my courses using Mapquest. Hell, I don’t know how anyone got anywhere before Mapquest. Just glad I didn’t live in those dark ages.
Chaos Overlord asks:
I have French ancestry. What can I do to eliminate this lameness?
First, I am very sorry for you. Many people have some French ancestry in them, and constantly feel cowardice and snootiness bubbling through their veins. Until there is some gene-therapy to take care of it for good, one has to constantly take steps throughout their life to suppress their French instincts. The first and best step is to shower every day. One will probably feel most French in the morning, but a shower should take care of that. Also, try being nice to people. The French in you will make you want to ridicule and be arrogant to everyone, but you must fight it and be nice. Make sure to avoid drinking wine; stick to just domestic beers and the occasional whiskey shot. Also, avoid watching or engaging in soccer; stick to American sports like football, baseball, basketball, and beating the crap out of each other.
Follow this advice, and your Frenchiness should be suppressed to the point you don’t even notice it at all, but there is one last thing: you can never, ever surrender. It doesn’t matter if a swat team has you cornered or the enemy is ambushing you from all sides; if you surrender, the French in you will automatically bubble to the surface. And, if the choice is between being French and death, I think you know which is more desirable.
Finally, Hutch asks:
In a battle to the death which would win and how: A duck-billed platypus or a three-toed sloth?
This would be easy to answer if this were a duck-billed platypus (is there another kind of platypus?) versus a two-toed sloth, but the sloth having a third toe makes this more of an even match up. The easiest way to answer this would be to place the sloth and platypus in an arena and videotape what happens, but, unfortunately, I only have access to a three-toed sloth on Tuesdays and Thursdays and to a platypus on Mondays and Wednesdays. Thus, I am forced to test each of their fighting skills separately and predict the match up from that.
First I tested the platypus. The male platypus actually has a toxic spur – one of the only poisonous mammal I know of. Actually, combining that with how they lay eggs and have the bills of ducks, these are some freakish creatures. It’s like how drunk was God when He made them?
I’m kidding! Don’t smite me!
Anyway, first I had to provoke the platypus, and that’s pretty easy to do because you know this freak of nature must be pretty insecure. So I yelled, “Hey, you walking freak show, I’m going to make sure they no longer classify you as a mammal, because I’ll be damned if I have a weirdo like you share the same Class as me.” This enraged the platypus, and he waddled right for me. First I stepped on his duckbill and started punching him, just like I assumed a sloth would. I was beating the hell out of the stupid thing, but then it got me with its toxin, and goddamn that hurt! I was rolling on the ground in pain, and then the platypus began to nibble me to death with its duckbill. Luckily some zookeepers dragged me out of there.
Next I had to test the skills of a three-toed sloth. They’re usually quite sluggish, but, when threatened, they can be downright torpid. First, I took a stick and started whacking the hell out of the lazy bastard, but he just ignored me. Then I spat at him and yelled, “Hey, you lazy bum, get a job!” Again, no reaction. Finally, I remembered a National Geographic special I watched a long time ago that said that sloths are notoriously homophobic. So I said, “Hey, who’s that other sloth over there? Is he your boyfriend?”
The sloth was on me like a bat out of hell, its three toes in a death grip around my neck. Using all my strength, I was able to pry away two of the toes, but I just couldn’t get that damned third toe! I could feel my life fading, but finally four zookeepers with cattle prods were able to get the beast off me. It still hurts to swallow.
Anyway, back to the question: so who would win in a fight between the platypus and the sloth. I have to say the platypus, because it’s got more to lose, being how freakish and hated it is.
What’s that at the door? Oh my God! It found where I live…

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMe and to the point.

Ryan B. asks:
Frank just out of curiosity, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
We all know that woodchucks do not chuck wood, and usually I would stay away from hypotheticals, but, if you accept the assumption that a woodchuck would chuck all the wood it could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, the question is answerable. Thus, the main factor to take into consideration is a woodchuck’s endurance. To measure this, you put a woodchuck on a treadmill running at 10mph with a cattle prod threatening it if it slows down. Now, take the number of seconds the woodchuck lasted and multiply that by the woodchuck factor. This is an irrational number, being approximately .038215 kilograms a second. When you multiply the two, you’ll get how many kilograms of wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood (which, I remind you, it can’t). Sorry for the answer being in metrics, but it’s the custom in the scientific community to use metrics when answering hypotheticals about woodchucks.
Bane asks:
How come people use fk when they mean to say fk? Isn’t everybody wise to this by now?
I’m sorry; I have no clue what you’re talking about. You have to fill those stars in with actually letters. This isn’t a grep program.
David G. asks:
If you are in a car traveling at the speed of light, and you turn your blinkers on, do they do anything?
You know that as soon as you finally get your Hyundai up to the speed of light, there’s going to be some jerk riding your ass who wants to do the speed of light plus five miles per hour. Now, this creates a dangerous situation for both of you, because, if you see a squirrel and have to slam on your brakes, you’re both screwed. So, you finally decide to signal your move to the right lane to let the guy pass, but the question is will your blinkers work at the speed of light? By the theory of relativity, this depends entirely on your speed as relative to the asshole behind you. Even though he’s in no real rush, he thinks you’re going like 30mph, and, at 30mph, your blinkers will work. So, the answer to your question is yes.
David G. also asks:
What is the difference between a duck?
To most, this sounds like a nonsensical question, but it is actually a protolanphismal question. Now, I’m sure you’re not familiar with the concept of protolanphism, as it is very complicated, so complicated that most dictionaries omit the word because trying to explain it would actually double the size of the dictionary. But, of course, I do know the concept and can tell you with quite certainty that the answer is Eddie Murphy.
NOTE: If you understood protolanphism, you’d know that the joke behind this answer is much more blasphemous than that answer in my previous Frank Answers™.

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject “Frank Answers”. If I didn’t use your question today, I still may use it later (I need to pace myself). Also, I have a subscription to Scientific America, and sometimes I actually read it, so I really like science questions.

It’s time for the first addition of Frank Answers! Let’s get to the questions:
Joel F. asks:
If a doughnut falls in the forest and nobody’s around will Michael Moore
still find it, rub it into his skin, and then devour it?
Now Moore has more of look of a guy who was just rummaging through a dumpster looking for a half-eaten sandwich than someone who is lost in a forest eating grubs and bear droppings. Plus, it’s hard to imagine Moore having any reason to go out into a forest unless someone convinced him that deer were NRA supporters or involved with corporate interests. Finally, with all the hunters around who don’t like Moore, it would be very easy for an “accident” to happen in a forest, and Moore does have simple instincts that involve life preservation. So, with all the evidence against him ever being in a forest, to your answer, Joel, I would have to say no.
Richard R. asks:
What is the speed of gravity?
I have wondered if a star were to suddenly disappear, would its gravitational effects on Earth instantly disappear, thus showing that gravity works instantaneously. But, from watching numerous documentaries on the coyote and roadrunner, I’ve seen that many times a coyote may run off a cliff and there is a delay until he starts to fall. This shows that gravity does not have an infinite speed as its effect are not instantaneous as it takes time for gravity to reach an object of mass. So what is the speed? What I did was make a simple experiment where I placed a gerbil in a small centrifuge, subjecting it to four times the force of gravity. I then placed the centrifuge in the microwave and set the power at 50%. The result was that the gerbil exploded after 26.35 seconds. Since I would like to keep this segment accessible to the layman, I’ll just say that the resultant calculations based on that evidence shows conclusively that the speed of gravity is between 8 and 8 billion miles per hour, give or take twenty orders of magnitude.
Paul asks:
Why is two more than one?
This was actually decided by Willy J. Puffypants, one of the main founders of modern mathematics. This was quite similar to when Benjamin Franklin chose to label one direction of electric flow as positive and the other negative. While many think in retrospect that Franklin’s choice was not the best when further knowledge was gained about electricity, most still think Willy J. Puffypants chose most appropriately when he said that two is more than one. I would be remiss, though, if I were not to remind you that one can be greater than two for especially large values of one.
Paul also asks:
What’s up with all the monkey stuff, it makes me and my simian friends a bit nervous..
I hate monkeys and yet they haunt my dreams. I will speak no further of this.
Bill Whittle asks:
Why don’t you DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The answer to this is that I am very wily and quicker than many may think. If you were ever to come after me, Bill, I assure you your next essay would be entitled “Ass Whup’n”, and my beating of you would be extensive enough to give you more than enough material to write 9,000 words about it like with your usual essays.
Finally, Laurence Simon asks:
Is there a Doggy Heaven?
Now, we all know of the movie All Dogs Go to Heaven, but I’m not sure how much research they did before making the title of the film. So, it was up to me to do my own experiments on the subject. So I wrote an e-mail to John Edwards who talks to the dead for his opinion. I got back a form letter saying that Sen. Edwards is not that John Edwards and telling me that I’m a jackass. What a jerk. I hope he wins the primary so he can have a humiliating defeat against Bush in 2004.
Next, I obtained a dog and then stopped his heart, making him technically dead for a minute’s length. I then asked him about his experience, and he bit me. Thus, the experiment was inconclusive.
Finally, I had a lab assistant stop my own heart temporarily. I found myself at the gates of Heaven, and there stood Jesus.
“The time of your judgment has come,” thus spake Jesus, “and now I shall…”
“Sorry to interrupt, Jesus, but I’m only here temporarily,” I informed Him, “You see, Laurence Simon wanted to know if there is a Doggy Heaven, and I knew you’d have the answer.”
“Yes, and the answer is… Wait a second; did you say ‘Laurence Simon’? He’s a Jew, and he’ll just use this information for the Zionist conspiracy.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Hey, I already have enough problem dealing with dead Iraqis since those bagel eating neoconservatives tricked Bush into attacking Iraq.”
“Oh my God, Jesus, you’re like a total anti-Semite!”
“Hey, just because someone raises legitimate questions about whether the Holocaust happened, doesn’t make him an ‘anti-Semite’.”
“How can you be a Holocaust denier? You must have met all the dead people.”
“Yeah, but I think they were lying about how they died as part of their Zionist conspiracy. It’s all so they can oppress the peaceful Palestinians and…”
At this point, Jesus started cracking up, and I knew he was just pulling my leg. “You’re such a rascal, Jesus.”
“I had you going there, didn’t I, though?”
“Yeah. I was thinking, ‘Man, this Jesus is an asshole. I think maybe I’ll become a Buddhist.”
“Sorry, but I just love playing jokes on people. You should see how much I mind-f**k the atheists.”
“Anyway, the question.”
“Oh yes. In answer to your quandary, my child…”
Then I woke back up from the brink of death. Once again, my experiment was inconclusive, but I have to say that Jesus is a fun guy, and I can’t wait for the second coming.
In the end, I’ll just have to go with what popular media says, and, since dogs are such loyal companions to humans, there is a Doggie Heaven and all dogs go to it. One thus must also conclude that there is a Cat Hell and that all cats go to it since they are demon creatures with slit eyes.

Please comment on if you liked this segment. In the future, I plan on answering fewer questions at a time, but I will do these in addition to my normal post of the day. If I didn’t get to your questions this time, don’t worry; I may answer it next time. Until then, e-mail more questions with the subject “Frank Answers”.