Victor S. asks:
Have there been any attempts at a Ninjatocracy in any world governments? If so, why haven’t they been reeking havoc and reported in world media? Cover up? If not, please explain why this most utopian of societies would have failed.
The Ninjatocracy is an old form of government, and it was only tried for one period of time in human history: 235 B.C. to 165 D.E. in China. Leadership was chosen by who could best flip out and cut people’s heads off. Their economy was supported by going into other countries, flipping out and killing everyone, and then taking whatever they needed. It was totally sweet. They also stole booty from their arch-nemesis, the pirates.
What finally ended the Ninjatocracy was they went to Japan and pissed off some badass samurai. Samurai kick ass. The samurai went like SLICE! SLICE! STAB! and took out all the ninjas. I want to be a samurai when I grow up.
For more information on ninjas, consult the ninja authority.
John Collins of Pave France asks:
Why are you such a pussy? Were you born a pussy, or did you just hang out with a lot of French people as a child?
I’m not a pussy; you’re a pussy, pussy. Why don’t you go back to your pussy weblog and write some pussy posts about what a pussy you are, pussy.
Thanks for the question.
Odie asks:
What happens if an irresistible force hits an unmovable object (Michael
Moore for example)?
First off, I make the jokes here. Michael Moore is not an unmovable object, because he is quite moveable by the smell of cooked pork.
I’ve gotten a lot of variations of this question, so people must think it’s a really hard question, but I don’t see what’s so complicated about it. If an irresistible force hits and unmovable object, the unmovable object would change color. Probably to purple; if it was purple, then to some other color.
Now ask me a hard question.
Richard R. asks:
Why do light bulbs screw in clockwise?
The short answer is that when the dead body of Thomas Edison was found, next to him was a shattered light bulb and the message “only clockwise” scratched into the desk. I could just leave the answer there, but I wanted to know why Edison left such a warning.
So how can I screw a light bulb in counter-clockwise? The answer is, just push really really hard. With a lot of force, I pressed inward and twisted counter-clockwise, eventually mangling the metal guides enough to have the light bulb in far enough to make contact. I then plugged the lamp into a socket controlled by a light switch. I stood there for a while, marveling the unique entity I had, the only lamp with a light bulb screwed in counter clockwise. Then I flipped the light switch.
Instead of light, a black vortex emerged from the lamp, and out emerged electricity in a humanoid form. “I am Thantor, being of pure energy and conqueror of worlds!” it announced, the sound of its voice emanating from its entire body like it was one large speaker, “You have released me from my prison. Now I shall kill you just as I killed Edison and then destroy this puny world!”
“Dag-nabbit,” was all I could think of to say in response. I then immediately grabbed the nearest gun. This being my guest room, it was only a 9mm (I never really contemplated home attacks while in the guest room – especially not by beings of pure energy). I fired my Walther P99 at Thantor, but the bullets disintegrated on contact.
“Your puny, German-engineered weapon is no match for my power!” it laughed.
I then tossed the gun at its head. “Ow! You wanker!” it yelled, clutching its electric face. I then ran out of the room. “Yes, run, puny human!” it mocked, “Delay your inevitable death.”
But I wasn’t going to run for long. I had just had my ass handed to me by a platypus, a three-toed sloth, and Glenn Reynolds, so I had something to prove. I put on my rubber raincoat and rubber kitchen gloves to protect me from the electricity (ha, and my mom thought I would never use them). I then took a couple Chi breaths to prepare for battle, and ran back into the room.
“Rarr!” I shouted, trying to summon in me the homicidal rage of my hero Donald Rumsfeld. I then came at Thantor with a flurry of punches. “Being of pure energy?” I yelled, “Now you’re going to be a being of pure pain!”
Thantor feebly tried to fight back, throwing a punch at me, but I used the momentum to shoulder throw him back into the vortex. I then quickly leapt for the light switch and ended the nightmare.
Grabbing a hammer, I smashed that light bulb. That was fun, so I took out some more light bulbs and smashed them too. Now I have to go to the store and buy some more spare light bulbs.
Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject “Frank Answers”. If I didn’t use your question today, I still may use it later.
I love you Frank! Will you have my children?
your a very funny guy Frank J
Thanks for saving the world from that Thantor energy dude, even though he was set free because you failed to heed Edison’s warning! I guess we’ll have to think of some harder questions.
Who’s Comin With Me?
As the Elf scandal destroys any remaining credibility in the failing french economy, the weasels begin to earn their name in honest. The french, in gaullic style, implicate every party even remotely connected to them, in a last ditch effort…
Have you considered replacing Conan when he retires?
What a bunch of nonsense. Everybody knows that light bulbs screw in counter-clockwise in the Southern Hemisphere.
I always thought Michael Moore was cooked pork — Midwestern corn-fed ham, to be precise.
Dark Mysteries
It is all but a mystery wrapped within a mystery and Frank J only scratches the surface of why lightbulbs screw in clockwise… The short answer is that when the dead body of Thomas Edison was found, next to him was a shattered light bulb and the messa…
SPeaking of Michael Moore, he’s making a new documentary saying that bush ans osama planned 911 together. I HATE THAT MAN! By the way, anyone see the SNL cartoon this weekend with Saddam and Osama, funny stuff
“Your puny, German-engineered weapon is no match for my power!” it laughed.
After I stopped laughing long enough to dislodge my tongue from my throat, I realised that the beast was correct. Without the pure hatred transmitted into a 9mm by the hand of Rumsfeld, that puny round is not powerful enough to kill ANYONE……. except the French….. pussies.
Reading IMAO is almost as sweet as wailing hard on my guitar…
You ROCK, Frank!! I especially love the whole “Rarr” thing… it gets me every time!!
Have you ever considered retiring Conan? Think about it.