Archive of entries posted on 27th May 2003

Frank Answers: Rocks God Can’t (Won’t?) Lift, Netscape, and I Like Punch’n

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Richard Z. from Kang, Botswana writes:
I was just wondering the other day if God is all-powerful then He can lift
any rock. But if he is all-powerful then He should be able to make a rock
even He couldn’t lift. Which leads me to my question: What is the best way
to make a hippy scream in pain?
I’d say it would be for God to drop a giant rock on a hippy’s foot. Then the hippy would be like, “Whoa! This is harshing my mellow! Please lift this rock, God!”
And God would be like, “Sorry, dude, the rock is too big; I can’t lift it.”
“But you’re God! You can do anything!”
And God would get all angry. “I know Who I am! You don’t tell Me Who I am!”
Then God would take another swig of His divine whiskey and smite more monkeys.
Susie from Cape May, Finland:
Frank, why is it that IE displays your web page perfectly, but Netscape shows it all funky like?
I use Netscape sometime from work, so I realize this problem. Unfortunately, Microsoft paid me a large amount of money to make my website inconvenient to Netscape users. They also threatened my family. So, what was I supposed to do?
Now just give in and only use Microsoft products like the rest of us.
Jay Solo from Quincy, Massachusetts:
Can’t we all just get along?
Well, if we all got along, who the hell would I punch? Duh.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Destable Is Where You Put Dehorses

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People are calling for a regime change in Iran, figuring the best way to do it is to destabilize the government since there are so many pro-America people in Iran. But what are some good ways to destabilize something?
* Shaking It Up: Once when I was eight, I mistook my ant farm for my Etch-a-Sketch and totally shook it up (I don’t know what was in the Kool-aid that day). As a result, that ant community was totally destabilized. Similarly, we could shake up Iran using a weapon that causes earthquakes like in the movie The Core which I heard about but didn’t see because it sounded stupid.
* Ridiculing Leaders: Their government would collapse if no one respected the leaders. What we should do is when one of their crazy religious types appears live on T.V., we should have someone run up, yank his beard, and run away. Then everyone would be like, “Hey! Look at the stupid beardo! Let’s throw rocks at him!” Total destabilization!
* Sword of Damocles: You know how they say we can have cruise missiles fly through windows and down streets without hitting anything other than the intended target, well let’s like constantly do that. Have cruise missiles flying all over town, obeying traffic laws and doing loop-de-loops to impress the kids… but not hitting anything. That is, unless Iran’s leaders piss us off, because then the cruise missile will merge onto the highway, take exit 16, make the first right (is there right on red in Tehran?), and then fly straight into the capitol building.
* Massive Doses of Radiation: If I remember right, massive doses of radiation will destabilize a substance. But how do you deliver massive doses of radiation to a country…
* Phat Beats: We could airdrop Beastie Boys CD’s on Iran, and, when everyone is playing “Intergalactic Planetary”, “Fight For Your Right to Party”, and “Brass Monkeys”, everything will totally destabilize. It will be kick ass!
Well, that all the ideas I have right now. Now let’s destabilize!