Courtney who is cute and owes me… ah, I’ll let it go. Anyway, she has a nice discussion about women and guns.
Maripat has a good discussion about Wal-Mart and their marketing choices (you can permalink RightWeAre’s individual comments, but am I missing how to link to their posts?).
The Carnival of the Vanities is up!
Finally, scientists say that chimpanzees are a bunch of homos. Hey, I didn’t say it; scientists did.
Archive of entries posted on 20th May 2003
Frank Answers: Trees, Aerodynamics, and Ninjas
Tom M. from Pyay, Myanmar asks:
If a tree falls in the woods and crushes some tree hugging hippies would they still like the tree’s so much?
Great question. I’ve often wanted to say to some tree huggers blabbing on about how great nature is, “I hate trees.”
Then when they ask, “How can you hate trees?”
I’d say, “A tree killed my father,” just to see their reactions.
Trees are dangerous creatures. Frequently they like to take others in their deaths, toppling on to man and woodland creature alike. They also are the only other creature than man to use fire to kill; there would never be forest fires if it weren’t for trees. And accidentally running off the road would not be such a hazard if it weren’t for all the unforgiving trees that constantly line them.
That’s why I hate trees, and I would like to think that God, in His infinite wisdom, would grant some sense to the hippy at the moment just before the tree hits him. Then his last thought would be, “Damn you, trees!” before the massive creature crushed his skull in its dying fury.
Sam, supposedly from somewhere in Estonia, writes:
I’ve always wanted to know what makes planes stay up in the air. Maybe you
can shed some light on this issue?
It’s the shape of the wing. You see, the wing is flat on the top, but sloped on the bottom… or maybe it’s the other way around. Anyway, the air that goes over the top and the bottom both must past the wing at the same time for some reason, which means that the air going over the sloped surface must move faster. Air moving quicker creates less pressure… or is it more pressure? Anyway, you want more pressure going beneath the wing than on top of the wing; that’s I’m pretty sure of.
In short, the way planes fly has something to do with them having wings and there being air.
Poosh from Nanjing, China writes:
For a while now I’ve noticed a Ninja looking person following me home from school. What the hell do I do? I’m no Samurai and Ninja’s are mean and scary. Please Frank, help me defeat this Ninja threat. Oh crumbs! – I can see the Ninja outside in the garden! He’s making faces at me! The cheeky murderous rascal!
First of all, don’t panic; ninjas sense panic and will hone in on it. Also, make sure you don’t get bitten; if a ninja bites you, you become one. Just remember that the ninja is as afraid of you as you are of it.
…no wait; scratch that. The ninja will attack you fearlessly without thought of his own life.
You could climb a tree to get away, but ninjas are good at climbing. Maybe you can get in a car and drive away, but the ninja will probably jump on the car and try to stab you through the ceiling with his ninja sword. You could pull out a gun and shoot the ninja, but that is so dishonorable that we won’t even give it a second thought.
You’re only real option is to go out there and kung fu fight the ninja, and I think that’s a lesson for everyone: You can’t run from your ninja forever; eventually you have to take a stand and kung fu fight.
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
If I Were President: Open Address to Whiny Countries of Interest
I know they’re are many people out there out there who do not think much of America, many who think we are in fact a terrible, evil nation. I just want to make one thing clear to those people: we don’t give a rat’s ass.
Why should we listen to you? Your countries are all small and pathetic, and that’s not our fault, that’s yours. It not like we set out to be so much more rich and powerful than other countries, it’s just we actually went the freedom and the capitalism route, the one that just “too scary” for others to try. And now we’re the big dog – partially because of our own success and partially because all other nations are a bunch of dorks.
And we never said, “Hey let’s be a superpower!” It was never our decision that all other countries be whiny and pathetic, but that’s the cards we were dealt. Just feel luckily we took the mantle, fighting back evil and trying our best to keep the world in some order. Think if we disappeared and everything was left up to Europe, for God’s sake. It would just be a matter of months until the world was nothing but a bunch of smoldering craters.
Still, it’s much easier for everyone to hate us rather than dwell on their own incompetence, but don’t think we’re going to go out of our way to be liked. We’ll give foreign aid as always, because, well, we’re just too nice of guys to just watch everyone starve. And you people can spout off all your hatred of America while you eat the food we donated to you, and we’ll still be back to feed you again. There is just one thing you have to keep in mind, though: if you ever act on that hatred and try to harm us, your worst visions of hell will pale in comparison to vengeance we will wreak upon you.
Thank you, and God bless.
Canada Still Sucks
For some reason, every once in a while an old post gets discovered by some wackos and commented on. That happened to this post about Canada (which, incidentally, was later adapted to my brief history of Canada), on which I now find a number of comments such as:
F**k you all mother f**king bitches who made this site the reason we wont support you sick ass f**ks in the Iraqi war is becuase we dont want to die and canada kicks ass and america sucks is my best friend and hes rite u bombed us u stupid f**ks you guys are fukin stupid ass bitches who still live with their moms and cant even afford a 1984 Toyota Corrola Sprinter Trueno and all you gay ass bitchs love da cock well we here are prety much straight you guys have guys on your cocks then all the american chicks will start to like mother fuking girls you gay ass mother f**kers f**ks stop dissin us you f**k ass homos nothing gives you that right and If I ever found you I would beet the f**king shit outta you f**king gay ass homos you guys are gay ass computer nerds who still cant afford that 1984 Toyota Corrala Sprinter Trueno as in all shut the f**k up u bitches and get f**king job DUMBASSES.
!AMERICA SUCKS AND F**KS DICK!
From Infinity Zero
I decided to edit only the swear word he spelled correctly. Just click on the post if you really want to see the rest of the comments.
Anyway, only one commenter left an e-mail, so I e-mailed him and left this warning in the comments:
Thank you for your interest in IMAO.us, and you are certainly free to read it anytime you want, but I need to remind of the Information on the Internet Act (Resolution 756). This resolution was developed in mind to keep the internet full of information that could be useful to other people, and it was thus determined by committee that Canada has no useful information and, though they are free to read America’s internet, they are not allowed to post any information on the internet as it will simply clutter and obscure useful things that people like Americans may have to say. You’ll probably get a warning for the first offense, but, if you continue offending, your IP will be banned and your neighborhood saturation bombed. I know this may anger you so much you’ll break your hockey sticks, but, remember, this is to help keep the internet as a useful information tool for everyone in the world.
Cordially,
Frank J.