Links of the Day

Everyone loves Frank. Even the Democratic Underground loves Frank. (thanks to my bro, Joe foo’ the Marine, for pointing this out).
Chaos Overlord writes dirty lies about me, but doesn’t even come up with poorly done photoshopped evidence to back it up.

Frank Answers: Bloodstains, More Primes (Yay!), and Eww…

Dave S. asks:
What’s the best way to get bloodstains out of clothing?
Usually if I get blood on my clothing, I just burn the clothes and then bury the ashes in some remote location. This is much smarter than trying to clean them as any defense attorney will tell you. Still, maybe the clothing has some sort of sentimental value and you just can’t bring yourself to burn them, and thus you want to remove the bloodstain without harming the fabric.
Well, the method to do that is pretty simple when you know how. For every blood type, there is a plus and a minus version. So, first determine what type of blood is on the clothing. If, for instance, it’s B+, then you’ll need B- for the cleaning process. How do you get the blood, you ask? Just go to a blood bank and fake that you’re dying. When they bring the blood out for you, grab it and run away while laughing (laughing makes you run faster). Now, apply an equal amount of B- blood to the B+ blood and they’ll cancel out in a small explosion.
Or you could just use that OxyClean stuff that guy on the T.V. yells about.
My answer about primes brought up some more questions. 006 asked:
Is the greatest prime number called Optimus Prime?
And my brother, Joe foo’ the Marine, asked:
Where does the Prime Directive fit into all of this? Does it supersede Optimus Prime?
Great questions. Optimus Prime is actually a super being composed completely of primes numbers who rules the world of mathematics with an iron fist. His ultimate goal is to break into our world and enslave us with all with his indivisible prime numbers.
The Prime Directive was established to stop Optimus Prime. It created a special forces group of mathematicians who are armed with M-16’s and graphing calculators to destroy any prime numbers that break the seal between our two worlds. Being part of the Prime Directive is very common for math majors, which is why most colleges require a number of weapons courses to get a degree in mathematics.
Michele of A Small Victory asks:
I can’t remember if I took my tampon out before I put the other one
in. What do I do now?

Eww. No feminine hygiene questions.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure you’ll die. Better have all the traffic from your site redirected to mine in case of death. Actually, that should be in the will of all bloggers, especially the puppy blender. Not that I have some elaborate death worked out for him involving a trench filled with flesh-eating ants, but I’m just saying.


Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject “Frank Answers”. If I didn’t use your question today, I still may use it later. The better your questions, the funnier I am. I especially like science questions.

The Assault Rifle Ban Makes Me So Mad I Want to Go on a Shooting Spree

The assault rifle ban is coming up for renewal, and Bush said he supports it. That sucks, yo. Gun regulations are always made by people who don’t know jack about guns (that’s why they hate them), and the assault weapon ban pretty much defines an assault weapon as any gun that looks cool or has an awesome name. And all these laws are never retroactive (do you want to be the one going door to door asking people for their guns?), so they make the pre-ban guns really expensive. Soon, the ability to kill lots of people quickly will solely be in the hands on the rich. That because – and remember this – Democrats hate poor people.
Anyway, I think citizens should be able to own real assault weapons, and I mean the ones that are fully automatic rifles with large capacity clips (or belt fed). Here are ten reasons why:
TOP TEN REASONS REGULAR CITIZENS SHOULD BE ABLE TO OWN ASSAULT RIFLES
10. Sometimes you’re too mad for just a normal gun.
9. If you see a dozen deer in one meadow, how else are you supposed to shoot them all before they run away?
8. Self-defense sometimes involves “assaulting” a fortress.
7. Keeping control of a fully automatic weapon helps build upper body strength.
6. If we’re not allowed to have assault rifles, that will make us mad and we have other guns.
5. Not as impressive writing your name in the wall with a semi-automatic.
4. For elderly people with arthritis, it may be painful for them to hit the trigger multiple times.
3. What if dragons are real and one tries to mug you in a dark alley.
2. I don’t how good a reason this is, but after I’ve had a few beers in me I’m always like, “Man, would it be cool to have an assault rifle right now.”
And the number one reason regular citizens should be able to own assault rifles…
This is America; we don’t have to give a g’damn reason for owning something.