My tastes aren’t always the same as my readers, and thus what I thought was my funniest lines aren’t always the ones people seem to like, but I just have to step back for a moment and pat myself on the back for the that answer today to “Why do light bulbs screw in clockwise?”. I don’t know what everyone else thinks of that, but it had me cracking up (on the inside). That reminds me, I want to do a top ten best IMAO posts with the help of you readers, but I’ll set that up later.
What I wanted to say now was that, since I was a child, I really really have wanted to make a cartoon. So does anyone know much about making cartoons with shockwave? I was thinking I could use some of my donation money to buy the software to play around with it, but I’m not sure how much time it would actually take to make a couple minute short. If someone is experienced with it and could give me advice, I’d appreciate it. If someone wants to team up with me on making one, that’s cool too; it would be your chance to work with the greatest comic genius of your lifetime 🙂
I’m pouring my heart into tomorrow’s In My World™, so I hope everyone will like it. There will probably be more Frank Answers™ as well.
Thanks for reading.
Archive of entries posted on 11th May 2003
Happy Mothers Day!
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. Without your perseverance and wisdom we would stick our fingers in electric sockets, run around with scissors, and jump off cliffs like all the other kids. Without my mother’s love and care, I certainly never would have grown up to be a law abiding, tax-paying, God-fearing, gun-carrying member of American society who writes a humor weblog.
Moms, you kick ass.
Frank Answers: Ninjas, Irresistible Forces, Light Bulbs, and You’re the Pussy
Victor S. asks:
Have there been any attempts at a Ninjatocracy in any world governments? If so, why haven’t they been reeking havoc and reported in world media? Cover up? If not, please explain why this most utopian of societies would have failed.
The Ninjatocracy is an old form of government, and it was only tried for one period of time in human history: 235 B.C. to 165 D.E. in China. Leadership was chosen by who could best flip out and cut people’s heads off. Their economy was supported by going into other countries, flipping out and killing everyone, and then taking whatever they needed. It was totally sweet. They also stole booty from their arch-nemesis, the pirates.
What finally ended the Ninjatocracy was they went to Japan and pissed off some badass samurai. Samurai kick ass. The samurai went like SLICE! SLICE! STAB! and took out all the ninjas. I want to be a samurai when I grow up.
For more information on ninjas, consult the ninja authority.
John Collins of Pave France asks:
Why are you such a pussy? Were you born a pussy, or did you just hang out with a lot of French people as a child?
I’m not a pussy; you’re a pussy, pussy. Why don’t you go back to your pussy weblog and write some pussy posts about what a pussy you are, pussy.
Thanks for the question.
Odie asks:
What happens if an irresistible force hits an unmovable object (Michael
Moore for example)?
First off, I make the jokes here. Michael Moore is not an unmovable object, because he is quite moveable by the smell of cooked pork.
I’ve gotten a lot of variations of this question, so people must think it’s a really hard question, but I don’t see what’s so complicated about it. If an irresistible force hits and unmovable object, the unmovable object would change color. Probably to purple; if it was purple, then to some other color.
Now ask me a hard question.
Richard R. asks:
Why do light bulbs screw in clockwise?
The short answer is that when the dead body of Thomas Edison was found, next to him was a shattered light bulb and the message “only clockwise” scratched into the desk. I could just leave the answer there, but I wanted to know why Edison left such a warning.
So how can I screw a light bulb in counter-clockwise? The answer is, just push really really hard. With a lot of force, I pressed inward and twisted counter-clockwise, eventually mangling the metal guides enough to have the light bulb in far enough to make contact. I then plugged the lamp into a socket controlled by a light switch. I stood there for a while, marveling the unique entity I had, the only lamp with a light bulb screwed in counter clockwise. Then I flipped the light switch.
Instead of light, a black vortex emerged from the lamp, and out emerged electricity in a humanoid form. “I am Thantor, being of pure energy and conqueror of worlds!” it announced, the sound of its voice emanating from its entire body like it was one large speaker, “You have released me from my prison. Now I shall kill you just as I killed Edison and then destroy this puny world!”
“Dag-nabbit,” was all I could think of to say in response. I then immediately grabbed the nearest gun. This being my guest room, it was only a 9mm (I never really contemplated home attacks while in the guest room – especially not by beings of pure energy). I fired my Walther P99 at Thantor, but the bullets disintegrated on contact.
“Your puny, German-engineered weapon is no match for my power!” it laughed.
I then tossed the gun at its head. “Ow! You wanker!” it yelled, clutching its electric face. I then ran out of the room. “Yes, run, puny human!” it mocked, “Delay your inevitable death.”
But I wasn’t going to run for long. I had just had my ass handed to me by a platypus, a three-toed sloth, and Glenn Reynolds, so I had something to prove. I put on my rubber raincoat and rubber kitchen gloves to protect me from the electricity (ha, and my mom thought I would never use them). I then took a couple Chi breaths to prepare for battle, and ran back into the room.
“Rarr!” I shouted, trying to summon in me the homicidal rage of my hero Donald Rumsfeld. I then came at Thantor with a flurry of punches. “Being of pure energy?” I yelled, “Now you’re going to be a being of pure pain!”
Thantor feebly tried to fight back, throwing a punch at me, but I used the momentum to shoulder throw him back into the vortex. I then quickly leapt for the light switch and ended the nightmare.
Grabbing a hammer, I smashed that light bulb. That was fun, so I took out some more light bulbs and smashed them too. Now I have to go to the store and buy some more spare light bulbs.
Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject “Frank Answers”. If I didn’t use your question today, I still may use it later.