Tim Blair has finally moved from blogspot, thanks to Andrea Harris. When will Volokh finally follow suit? You just can’t be that popular and still be on blogspot. Hell, I’d be grateful to host his blog myself. It could be called “The Volokh Conspiracy Plus One Idiot”.
Roger L. Simon (a different person than Laurence Simon as James Taranto learned) has tips for negotiating with Uday Hussein.
On the Fritz is on fire. You really should be checking them out every day, but here are three posts I thought were particularly good. Here’s Fritz own guide to the Homeland Security Alert levels. I just love the last couple lines to the red level. Also, the picture to this article is hilarious (well, so is the article). Also, Frank predicts the future of the final two American Idol contestants.
Archive of entries posted on 23rd May 2003
Letterman Plagarizes IMAO!
Here is now the greatest scandal of plagiarism, even eclipsing Jayson Blair’s foibles with the New York Times.
Here is a quote from an In My World™ post dated January 19, 2003:
“I think the president welcomes the fact that we are a democracy and people in the United States, unlike Iraq, are free to protest and to make their case known,” said Whitehouse Press Secretary Ari Fleischer at a press conference, never once looking up from the Gameboy Advance in his hands.
“But what about the protestors who were beaten with their own ‘No Blood for Oil’ signs by men who claimed to have been paid by the Whitehouse?” asked one reporter.
“I think the president welcomes the fact that we are a democracy and people in the United States, unlike Iraq, are free to yadda yadda yadda,” Fleischer responded, now staring at the Gameboy quite intensely, apparently fighting a boss monster in the game Metroid Fusion that he was playing.
And here is one of the entries from “Top Ten Signs Ari Fleischer Doesn’t Care Anymore” that appeared on Letterman on May 20th:
8. Gives monosyllabic answers to press questions, then goes back to his Gameboy
The only logical explanation for this is that the Late Show with David Letterman is ripping me off without credit!
Ah, who am I kidding; it’s probably a coincidence. But wouldn’t it be cool if it weren’t? Then all I need to Conan O’Brien to steal my material and my life would be complete.
Frank Answers: The Sun, REMF, and Imaginary Numbers
Jason Hannemann from Austin, Texas asks
Is it just me or is the Sun just a big orange bully in the Solar
System?
God I hate the Sun. I’m still peeling from the sunburn I got a couple weeks ago in Miami. So far, I’ve never heard any advantages about the sun, but I know it gets in my eyes and drives up my electric bill from me having to use AC. And think of all the cool places we could go if the Earth was allowed to float free through the galaxy instead of being pinned in an orbit around the egotistical Sun.
The Sun is not that large for a star, so it probably has an inferiority complex which is why it’s such a bully. As soon as I figure out how, I will destroy the sun, and I will be known as Frank, Destroyer of Suns. And I will be feared.
Kevin from an Undisclosed Middle Eastern Country™ asks:
If I’m not paying state or fed taxes because I’m in an area designated as a warzone (Undisclosed Middle Eastern Country™) does that make me a warrior or am I still a REMF?
Good question. To know more, I’d have to ask have you been in a firefight? Have you been near a firefight? Have you heard gunshots in the distance at least? Do you regularly carry a firearm?
Then again, you’re in an Undisclosed Middle Eastern Country™, while I’m here in my office eating pizza, so in comparison you seem like freak’n Rambo. And, once you get back to the states, you can walk around in your uniform and tell all the women any stories you want, and they’ll have to believe them.
“So one day three Iraqis, real mean Baath party members, charge at me. Big mistake. I take them out with a series of kung-fu moves, finally grabbing their leader from behind and snapping his neck like a tooth pick. A fight like that made me hungry, and luckily it was now lunchtime. The side today was tater-tots covered in gravy, and damn was that good. Now give me some sugar, baby.”
Alan Forrester from Oxford, England asks:
What is an imaginary number?
Pure crap is the short answer. No number can be squared and remain negative, so some mathematician made up this number i one day, but who gives a rats ass? Other mathematicians, I guess. Other than to those freaks, it’s completely useless.
Okay, so I remember using imaginary numbers in my college class on analog circuits for these things called phazons or phasors, but we engineers just made use of i so the mathematicians wouldn’t feel so useless (even though they are).
I’ll admit it, the reason I’m so down on imaginary numbers is that they don’t let you make up your own. Why can the square root of -1 be an imaginary number, but not one divided by zero. I’d call it imaginary number x. But my eighth grade math teacher told me, “No, you can’t make your own imaginary number. Stop trying to divide things by zero.”
And I was like, “You fking bitch! You don’t tell me what to do. I’ll fking kill you!”
And then the whole math class tackled me and tried to pry the compass from my hand, but the devil was in me and there was no stopping me. Finally the bell rang, though, and it was time for recess.
Saved by the bell, Mrs. Glogowski. Saved by the bell.
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
“No, Mr. Uday, We Want You to Die.”
I just heard on the news this morning that Uday Hussein may be willing to surrender, but he is just worried about what interrogation techniques we may use on him. Think of all the things we could learn from him:
*Where is Saddam Hussein is hiding.
*Where the WMD’s are.
*Where his secret stash of porno is.
*What a great dictator’s son pickup lines are like, “Come with me now, or I will murder your family.”
*How many times someone can be struck with a rubber before they go unconscious from the pain.
*How many golf balls can we forcefully fit in his mouth (that would make a great office pool).
*How many times can you hear Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” before it goes from cool to annoying.
*How many times can you listen to Barney’s “I Love You” song before it goes from annoying to making you plead for sweet sweet death.
*How many times can you strike him in the groin with a whiffle bat before it gets tiresome.
I got this great idea. Once we’re in the middle of torturing him, we could have someone stop us saying he’s from Amnesty International. Then, when Uday is like, “Thank you. I couldn’t take it anymore,” he could walk up to Uday and start whaling on him; it would be hilarious. Uday, you’ve been punk’d!