I just heard on the news this morning that Uday Hussein may be willing to surrender, but he is just worried about what interrogation techniques we may use on him. Think of all the things we could learn from him:
*Where is Saddam Hussein is hiding.
*Where the WMD’s are.
*Where his secret stash of porno is.
*What a great dictator’s son pickup lines are like, “Come with me now, or I will murder your family.”
*How many times someone can be struck with a rubber before they go unconscious from the pain.
*How many golf balls can we forcefully fit in his mouth (that would make a great office pool).
*How many times can you hear Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” before it goes from cool to annoying.
*How many times can you listen to Barney’s “I Love You” song before it goes from annoying to making you plead for sweet sweet death.
*How many times can you strike him in the groin with a whiffle bat before it gets tiresome.
I got this great idea. Once we’re in the middle of torturing him, we could have someone stop us saying he’s from Amnesty International. Then, when Uday is like, “Thank you. I couldn’t take it anymore,” he could walk up to Uday and start whaling on him; it would be hilarious. Uday, you’ve been punk’d!
Frank-found sources on MSNBC, FoxNews and apparently Wall Street Journal is supposed to have it too.
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha GREAT PLAN Frank
Love the Bond reference….”Goldfinger” is one of my favorites
Glad you found the link.
Course now my first message makes no sense. ha!
But would Rummy let anyone else play with his new toy?
I don’t know about the kind of rubbers you use, but I could be struck, oh, about a million times with the kind I’m familiar with and just reach the bothersome stage. Still, it’s a funny image. M
You know what would be worse torture than locking Uday in a room with Mariah Carey and Eminem and a relationship counselor?
Locking Uday in a room with Mariah Carey, Eminem, two publicists (one for each), and a second-string gossip columnist with a pen poised ready for every addled epithet either popped star could utter about their alleged failed trysts that no one aside from the gossip columnist and coastal courtesans care about.
It cannot violate the Geneva Conventions since no one could possibly have anticipated the spineless inquisition!
[CRASH!!!]
NOOOOOObody anticipates the Spineless INQUISITION!!!
It looks like Mark Garagos, brilliant crimianl defense attorney and media whore, will have a prospective new client!
“If I’m going to represent somebody, I think at the very least they deserve someone who can find the good in them,” Geragos said. “I don’t think most people are evil. I think sometimes people are demonized unfairly.”
— Mark Geragos (on Scott Peterson)
Vee haf vays of make-ink you talk, Mr. Uday. Perhaps you vood enjoy a few hours of Barry Manilow?? Say, “I Write der Songs”, or maybe “Copacabana”?? Bwa hahahahahaaaaa!!!
We don’t need to torture him. We just need him. Regardless of whether he says anything or not, just having him will make all of the other scum that we are looking for think he had sold out. Every member of The Deck that we capture after that will be attributed to information that he provided.
So, promise him that we won’t torture him – guarantee it. But make his capture public – very public. Then have Rummy say something like;
“We are learning much useful information – voluntarily.
My vote goes for flattening him with a steamroller, glueing the remains into a rectangular shape and then putting tassels on both ends of the carpet.
A little propeller plane then drags him across the sky over Baghdad. The Baghdadis will then elbow each other, snicker and say, “Uday’s high as a kite again today.”
Just turn him over to the Iraqi athletes – they may want to have a word or two with him.
After we’ve wrung him like a dishrag.
DAMN UDAY
Years of Hollywood dealmaking have yielded some negotiating tips on this issue available on my blog http://www.rogerlsimon.com
What about we have Frank J. make up some rumors about him, but instead of being slanderous evil lies, he makes them slanderous innocuous lies?
Things like:
Hit him with enough rumors that indicate he’s not the ladies’ man or powerful man he thinks he is, and that will make him cry.
Just who is that OTHER Jon, anyway? And why has he written a very sensible, but not humorous, suggestion very ;like what I would have made?
Two words:
Jigglypuff Song.
“Cardinal Biggles…” “Yes, m’Lord?” “Get: THE ELECTRIC CHAIR!” “theelectricchair?theelectricchair?theelectricchair?theele…”
Anyways, I get them confused. Is Uday the psycho-son that Saddam wanted to eventually follow in his footsteps…or the super-psycho-son who Saddam himself once had beat to a pulp?
Uday is the super psycho, the one that poisons his brother’s (Qusay (spelling?)) race horses, rapes women left and right, murders people for fun…that guy.
This reminds me of a book I read, “Brothers” by William Goldman, sequel to Marathon Man. In this book some fat loser gets the drop on CIA operative extraordinaire Doc. Doc flips out the lights and actually negotiates with the guy to give up. He tells him that if he gives up he will kill him painlessly. If he makes Doc disarm him, he will dies slowly and painfully. But no way will he be able to kill Doc before Doc gets to him. The guy gives up and Doc kills him painlessly. His last words are “You promised”. We should promise Uday that if he gives up and tells us everything, we will execute him before a firing squad. If he makes us catch him, we will torture him to get everything he knows and then turn him over to the widows, widowers and parents of his victims after instructing them in the fine art of slow exquisite death.
i am laughing my ass off, mr garagos has finally proven he is not worth his weight for a ny kind of lame lawyer, I HOPE AND PRAY HE FRIES ALONG WITH HIS KILLER CLEINT, BOTH SHOULD BE PLACED IN THE BOAT HE PUT ON DISPLAY!!! YOU SUCK MR GARAGOS, TAKE A LONG VACATION, YOUR DONE MY FRIEND, HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL!!!