Frank Answers: Why Frank, Bad Hair, Infinity, and Fritz Needs Your Help

Jim of Yrghyz, Kazakhstan asks:
What were your parents thinking when they decided to name you Frank?
My parents didn’t name me Frank; I was given a much more horrible name. I guess it was out of spite, because my father was inflicted with the name as well, as was his father. To follow the tradition, if I one day have a second son, it will become his name. That’ll teach the brat.
Todd K. of Camiri, Bolivia asks:
Why did 80’s metal bands have such bad hair?
As we all know, music reached its peak in the eighties, and all music afterwards and before it pales in comparison to its synth sounds. God, in His infinite wisdom, could not let things be too perfect, and thus inflicted 80’s rockers with bad hair. As the hair changed, though, so did the music, and thus we are inflicted with the bland tunes that are popular today… except for Eminem, that is; he’s a genius.
Sandra of Nyala, Sudan writes:
So, I’m homeschooling my 8 year old son and discussing “infinity” when he says: “Ok Mom, so there isn’t a number for infinity, just a symbol. So, what is THE NUMBER just before you get to infinity?” He’s got me there. So, Frank “What IS the number just before you get to infinity?
That’s a great question, and it shows your son is using independent thinking that could one day lead to him being a great scientist or supervillian.
The short answer, of course, is infinity minus one. That’s hardly satisfying, though, and the real question can be how do you get from infinity back to finity. Now, I hold the unorthodox view that infinity multiplied by zero equals one, i.e., infinitely everything multiplied by infinitely nothing equals finite. This often gets me shouted down at conferences of mathematicians where they say things like, “You’re not a mathematician, you’re just some idiot who snuck in here,” and “Hey, aren’t you that psycho who was spouting on about Optimus Prime last conference?”
Their jibes won’t stop me in my quest for mathematical truth, though. One thing to keep in mind it that there are different sizes of infinity; for example, the infinite amount of integers is a smaller infinity than the infinite amount of irrational numbers. Corresponding to this, there are different levels of zero, some zeros more zero than others. You may be saying I’m getting zero confused with infinitesimals, but to that I say, “Feh.” (for those of you who don’t know what an infinitesimal is, just know that it’s a mathematical term that I know and you don’t which makes me smarter).
So, in answer to your question, the greatest finite number is the largest infinity (the most infinite infinity) multiplied by the least zero (the least zero of all zeros).
Your son may now be saying, “That’s just a bunch of gobbledygook; this Frank J. is full of s**t.” Smack him and wash his mouth out with soap.
UPDATE: Two more questions.
Wind Rider from Baja, Hungary asks:
Hey Frank, do people send in these questions or do you just make them up?
So far, I have yet to make up a question (they are edited for grammar, though).
Fritz from Choyr, Mongolia writes:
Former Clinton advisors, James Carville and Mary Matalin will be lecturing at the Monterey Conference Center tomorrow as part of the Sixth Annual Panetta Lecture Series. The topic is “Politics and People During Crisis.” During the brief Q&A session, I will be able to ask them ONE question. What should I ask them? Perhaps you and your readers can help.
I’d ask them the infinite number question, but perhaps my readers have some better suggestions. Please put them in the comments to help out Fritz; he needs the question by tomorrow.


Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

SmartCarry – The Official Concealed Carry Holster of IMAO

People asked before what concealed carry holster I use, so I’ve decided to make the first official IMAO product endorsement: the SmaryCarry holster.

It’s pretty simple in concept. It wraps around the waist under your pants and is held in place by velcro. The actual holster is just a pocket. The one pictured is the large size holster, and it’s capable of holding a full-size 1911 (that’s my Colt 1991 in the picture). The second pocket is meant for an extra clip, but I found it fits my Walther PPK just perfectly (quickest reload is a second gun, plus it makes a left handed draw easier by having a left gun).

SmartCarry also makes a version that can hold two full-sized pistols plus has an extra pocket in back for cash or whatnot. What I really like about this holster is I can wear it with anything (shirt tucked or untucked) and carry a full-size gun completely concealed. I’d post a picture of me wearing the holster, but I don’t like the idea of a picture on the internet where people are trying to stare at my crotch. Where the guns are most visible is from their handles which will cause slight bulges about where the pockets are on a pair of jeans. This can be better concealed by putting your belt over the bulges which also helps hold the guns in place for an easy draw. As for the draw, after just a little practice, I can draw quick enough to rival anything short of an open carry holster.
The holster also comes in smaller sizes, but you can get the largest size and then just use safety pins to adjust it to the particular gun. It also comes in dark blue instead of white.
So, in the short of it, you have a holster you can wear with anything, carry a full-size gun (e.g. 1911 or Beretta 92FS), and have a quick draw, so it’s hard to have any criticism about it. Well, it makes it hard to use a urinal when wearing. It actually comes with instruction on how to do that, but I’d just wait for a stall.
BTW, I carry the Colt 1991 cocked and locked, of course. Usually, when carrying the PPK by itself, I carry it double action for the first shot with safety off (the safety is more for decocking the gun and is awkward to operate quickly). As a backup weapon, I leave the safety on. For the left-handed draw, I find it easiest to disengage the safety first and then draw.
I’d certainly be interested in hearing in the comments section what other people do for conceal carry.