Andrew H. calls Laurence Simon a sell-out, and Laurence responds. I think I want to start selling out too; just have to make room for the ads.
John Hawkins refers to me as having “took off” in a post promoting new blogs. So what constitutes a blog as being a success nowadays? (I can ask questions too)
Eugene Volokh (who’s too big a name to ever link to me – maybe he could be my next target of lies…) makes some great points about a school that wants to change their Minuteman mascot. (Thanks to Joanne Jacobs for the link)
I think probably everyone’s linked to it already, but Happy Fun Pundit’s list of ten things he hates about Star Trek is pretty damn funny.
Archive of entries posted on 13th May 2003
A Plea to God in Regards to Shooting Sprees
Please, Lord, next time some wacko decides to go on a shooting spree, make it somewhere I happen to be. Or, at least make it somewhere where there is a gun-carrying individual like myself. It will be a very short shooting spree. People will say, “Wow! That was the gayest shooting spree ever; the only one killed was the guy that meant to do the shooting.” Plus, all the media attention will be on the gun carrying hero and not the psycho loser.
Then, next time some nutcase thinks about going on a rampage, he’ll remember that incident, and realize that once he runs into a building and brandishes a gun, that maybe not all the faces will be looking back at him in terror. Instead, there may be some motherf**ker like me standing there smiling, someone who has been hoping and praying for this opportunity all his life.
Frank Answers: Electricity, Lights, Hot Ice, and Tootsie-Pops
Jason H. asks:
Frank, why is it that so many Arab countries desire nuclear reactors for their “energy needs” when they are sitting on almost all of the world’s oil reserves? What’s up? Are they too good for their own oil?
Great question. I think you’re confusing electrical energy with mechaphysical energy, which is a word I just made up. You see, oil can be used to make car engines work but that’s not electricity. Could you ever imagine pouring oil into your T.V. to make it run? That’s silly. The only things that can actually make electricity are nuclear energy, coal, and God (in the form of lightning bolts which He usually uses to smite His most hated creature, the tree). There’s a government conspiracy to make people think that the sun can make electricity, but that’s just crazy. If you pull open a “solar” calculator, you’ll find coal inside.
The problem is that, while Arab countries have plenty of oil, they don’t have lots of coal. So they need nuclear energy to power their modern metropolises. And, if they cross their hearts and hope to die when promising to not try and use their nuclear plants to make bombs, that’s good enough for me.
Bill M. asks:
Will hot water freeze?
Yes, if you put enough pressure on it, it will be forced into a solid form. You can do this by taking hot water and smashing it with a hammer. Yeah! Smash it good! Then you’ll have hot ice, which can make a great practical joke. If someone has a bump on the head, give him the hot ice in the bag as and he’ll be like, “Ah! It burns!”
Having friends is overrated.
Dave asks:
Where does the light go when the lights go out?
For this question, I’ll ask being of pure energy and my bitch, Thantor.
“To answer your question, puny human, the light comes to me, Thantor! Every time someone turns off a light as they leave a room, my power grows that much stronger! As energy efficiency spreads, I’ll soon be powerful enough to escape my prison and destroy your world! Muh ha ha ha ha ho hee har ha ha ho ho hee hee har har ho ha ho…”
That’s enough, Thantor.
“Okay, but I also know lots of sports trivia if you have any sports questions.”
Uh… I’ll keep that in mind.
“I was thinking…”
Hey, I’ll call you if you I need more help.
Geez.
Serenity asks:
Are you going to answer my other questions someday?
No. Your questions were gay.
Aww– okay, I’ll answer one.
Serenity also asks:
How many licks DOES it take to reach the center of a Tootsie-Roll Tootsie-Pop?
“Only I, Thantor, know the mystery of the Tootsie-Pop! Muh ha ha ha…”
Scram! I’m serious!
Anyway, the best way to solve this conundrum is to use the scientific method.
Okay, let me take my first lick.
Hmm, still separated from that chewy, chocolaty center. Proceed to second lick.
It seems I’m nowhere closer to the tasty center that now beckons me, that haunts my soul. Stay strong, Frank. Third lick.
Ahh! It seems I will never reach the chocolate treasure inside. Must resist! Must resist… but its pull is too strong…
(crunch)
I’m sorry; I guess the world will never know.
Hey, what do you expect from me?
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMe, and, remember, it’s my job to make the jokes.