Rachel Corrie died a tragic death, but it’s still entertaining to make fun of the ignorant jackass as Laurence Simon proves. (I always link the post instead of the picture; I’m a courteous blogger).
Advice for new bloggers:
John Hawkins
Eugene Volokh
N.Z. Bear
I guess later I may have to write own tips for generating traffic. I guess one tip is to be the first person to write humorous phony press conferences involving Donald Rumsfeld. That worked for me.
Kevin finds an interesting looking road sign out in his Undisclosed Middle Eastern Country™. My guess is it says kendo students are required to buckle up.
There is now competition to the Slutpublicans. It’s an all out slut fight.
Archive of entries posted on 1st May 2003
New Characters
Some new characters have been introduced to my In My World posts, and I was thinking that would make a great new topic for Can Anything Beat the Non Sequitur Poll Answer that Mentions Monkeys™. So which new character did you like and want to see more of?
The Unnamed Mexican
He appeared briefly in Bush Plans to Use Blasphemy Instead of War and then played a larger part in El VP.
Quote:
“Why are you still at the undisclosed location?”
“I do not know, senor. One day people come and say, ‘We have to take you to your new location, Vice President Cheney.’ And I say, “I am not this Cheney you speak of.’ But still, they put a blindfold on me and take me away. Now I do not know where I am, senor.”
“Sorry about that,” Bush said, thinking hard, “Man, where could Dick be? If it gets out I lost the VP, you just know there is going to be more of those ‘Bush is dumb’ jokes.”
“Si, senor. I just came up with one myself.”
Fox News Reporter
Appeared shortly but memorably in El VP.
Quote:
“There have been rumors that Syria has been harboring Iraqis and their chemical weapons. Why haven’t we just marched in there and killed all those mother f**kers? Is your administration a bunch of pussies?”
Buck the Marine
Appears as first to talk to the children in Career Day.
Quote:
“What was it like liberating an Iraqi town?” asked the teacher.
“That had its high points and low points. Some Iraqis sniped at me, so I killed them; that was fun. Some cheered me on; couldn’t kill them. A little Iraqi girl walked up and said, ‘I love America.’ That made me happy… but not as much as killing.”
So here is the poll:
UPDATE: The poll is now closed; results are here.
Remember: This is democracy, so take it seriously.
Know Thy Enemy: SARS
Everyone seems concerned about SARS, but don’t worry; I’ll help you out. I got an A in biology at the local community college (what was a genius like Frank J. doing at a community college for one semester you ask; it’s a long pointless story and I’ll tell you about it later) so I think I’m qualified to give expert advice on SARS. So here it is:
FUN FACTS ABOUT SARS
* If you hear a knock at the door, ask the person outside a long division math problem. SARS is unable to do long division, so, if the answer is wrong, fire blindly thought the door with the nearest firearm.
* Ninjas are from China, where there are lots of SARS cases. So don’t let them cut you with their swords, because you could get SARS.
* Monkeys always carry lots of diseases, so, if you see a monkey, strangle it. This may get the zookeeper angry. Strangle him too, the dirty SARS lover.
* If you kill SARS while it is outside your home, drag it inside to make things easier to explain to the cops.
* SARS usually attacks with flu-like symptoms, but sometimes it will use a choke wire, so always keep an eye to anything sneaking up behind you.
* SARS is probably a mutated cold virus. If it mutates again, it will probably become some weird thing with tentacles and sharp teeth. Destroy it with fire.
* Your friends may say you’re paranoid to be so worried about SARS. Destroy them with fire.
* If you see in the sky a red planet with two polar caps, that’s Mars, not SARS. DO NOT shoot it down.
* SARS may mutate enough to replace your coworkers with evil pod-people. If you believe this to have happened, then you can spend all day surfing the internet because it’s not like SARS is going to report you.
* SARS is really just a bully. If you stand up to SARS and say, “Hey, well maybe I’ll infect you with something!” it will probably back down.
* Know of any closet or cabinet you haven’t looked in for a long time? SARS might be hiding there. Better check it out with a flashlight and a shotgun in hand.
* If SARS has you cornered and you are unarmed, remember that it usually starts off its attack with a wide right hook punch. If you duck under it, then SARS will have left itself open to a counterattack to the kidneys. That’s right, SARS, you don’t know who you’re f**king with!
* If you bear the mark of the ancients, then you are the chosen one meant slay the Queen SARS, thus ending the threat for us all.
What? You say you have something better to do? Yeah, right; you were just going to watch TV. Lazy bastard.
* Whatever you do, don’t go to Instapundit.com. Glenn Reynolds doesn’t take very good care of his links, and they’re probably all infected with SARS.
* If SARS is after you, you can’t out run it. Instead, get in a car and drive as fast as you can, making many sudden turns so you hopefully can lose it.
* Donate money to a humorous blog. People who donate money to a humorous blog are shown to be ten times less likely to be infected with SARS. Don’t give money to Scrappleface, though; that will give you SARS for sure.
* In a fight between SARS and Aquaman, Aquaman would win because SARS can’t swim. It’s not like he’d save any of us, though.
* If you believe you have SARS, don’t panic. First of all, make sure you don’t come down to Florida; that’s where I live and I don’t want your damn SARS.
* Uh-oh; I hear a knock at the door. Might be SARS. I guess there’s nothing to do but chamber a round in my .45 and check it out. If you don’t hear from me again, tell everyone I went down fighting.