Everyone seems concerned about SARS, but don’t worry; I’ll help you out. I got an A in biology at the local community college (what was a genius like Frank J. doing at a community college for one semester you ask; it’s a long pointless story and I’ll tell you about it later) so I think I’m qualified to give expert advice on SARS. So here it is:
FUN FACTS ABOUT SARS
* If you hear a knock at the door, ask the person outside a long division math problem. SARS is unable to do long division, so, if the answer is wrong, fire blindly thought the door with the nearest firearm.
* Ninjas are from China, where there are lots of SARS cases. So don’t let them cut you with their swords, because you could get SARS.
* Monkeys always carry lots of diseases, so, if you see a monkey, strangle it. This may get the zookeeper angry. Strangle him too, the dirty SARS lover.
* If you kill SARS while it is outside your home, drag it inside to make things easier to explain to the cops.
* SARS usually attacks with flu-like symptoms, but sometimes it will use a choke wire, so always keep an eye to anything sneaking up behind you.
* SARS is probably a mutated cold virus. If it mutates again, it will probably become some weird thing with tentacles and sharp teeth. Destroy it with fire.
* Your friends may say you’re paranoid to be so worried about SARS. Destroy them with fire.
* If you see in the sky a red planet with two polar caps, that’s Mars, not SARS. DO NOT shoot it down.
* SARS may mutate enough to replace your coworkers with evil pod-people. If you believe this to have happened, then you can spend all day surfing the internet because it’s not like SARS is going to report you.
* SARS is really just a bully. If you stand up to SARS and say, “Hey, well maybe I’ll infect you with something!” it will probably back down.
* Know of any closet or cabinet you haven’t looked in for a long time? SARS might be hiding there. Better check it out with a flashlight and a shotgun in hand.
* If SARS has you cornered and you are unarmed, remember that it usually starts off its attack with a wide right hook punch. If you duck under it, then SARS will have left itself open to a counterattack to the kidneys. That’s right, SARS, you don’t know who you’re f**king with!
* If you bear the mark of the ancients, then you are the chosen one meant slay the Queen SARS, thus ending the threat for us all.
What? You say you have something better to do? Yeah, right; you were just going to watch TV. Lazy bastard.
* Whatever you do, don’t go to Instapundit.com. Glenn Reynolds doesn’t take very good care of his links, and they’re probably all infected with SARS.
* If SARS is after you, you can’t out run it. Instead, get in a car and drive as fast as you can, making many sudden turns so you hopefully can lose it.
* Donate money to a humorous blog. People who donate money to a humorous blog are shown to be ten times less likely to be infected with SARS. Don’t give money to Scrappleface, though; that will give you SARS for sure.
* In a fight between SARS and Aquaman, Aquaman would win because SARS can’t swim. It’s not like he’d save any of us, though.
* If you believe you have SARS, don’t panic. First of all, make sure you don’t come down to Florida; that’s where I live and I don’t want your damn SARS.
* Uh-oh; I hear a knock at the door. Might be SARS. I guess there’s nothing to do but chamber a round in my .45 and check it out. If you don’t hear from me again, tell everyone I went down fighting.
“If you don’t hear from me again, tell everyone I went down fighting.”
In a high-pitched voice:
Oh, Frank! You’re just so brave, and daring, and . . . swoon thud
Gosh-darned tight corsets. And why didn’t anybody catch me?
Frank, I love ya, you know I do…but as a Pedantic Editor in real life, I must offer unsolicited advice: A “flue” is actually part of a fireplace/chimney set-up, not a disease. The word you want is “flu,” and actually to be exact, “flu-like” is what yuo want.
Gotta understand, I nitpick out of love. You deserve perfection! In fact, delete this rude, vulgar ‘flame’ of mine after the correction’s been made, and nobody’ll be the wiser!
(See? I even misspelled a word up there in the last post to put you at ease! I meant to do that, honest!)
You know, I only just caught the clever references to “The Thing” (presumably the John Carpenter movie remake, not the short story “Who Goes There?” it was based on). That’s so cool and unexpected that it makes up for any minor typos. So I take all that I said above back.
Except: “DO NOT shot [sic] it down.” SHOOT, man, SHOOT!
Just another reminder, typos are to be e-mailed – that’s e-mailed – to me, not put in the comments.
And yes, I was thinking of the John Carpenter remake of the Thing a lot while writing this.
But what if we don’t have E-mail? I’m essentially the Web version of an incorporeal being – no home or E-mail anchor to give me cyber-flesh or even a fixed identity. I flit from page to page like a will o’the wisp, gloomily lamenting my impermanence and unreality, leading bloggers astray into the swamps with my alluring lights…
(Okay, Frank – sorry to blow your cover by correcting via comment. And buy the DVD of “The Thing” if you haven’t already – the “making-of” documentary is wonderful, showing you how they got all those disgusting effects into the film. Which is the scariest freakin’ movie I’ve ever seen, BTW.)
Do you know of any priests who will bless fire for me? I want to have holy fire to destroy SARS with. I just think that will be more effective than ordinary fire.
Priests generally aren’t inclined to bless fire. And holy water just doesn’t seem to have the same punch.
I was at this diner, and I saw a ninja, when I remembered what Frank said about ninjas with SARS. I was staring at him and I dropped my spoon, and the ninja killed the whole town. Do those count as SARS deaths or ninja murders?
Way to go AGAIN Frank.
Somebody read here that Ninjas were from China and SARS carriers, and then drove a 74 Pacer over my crack Japanese crack Ninja anti-SARS squad.
How the heck am I supposed to save the world if you keep trashing my careful planning?
“SARS may mutate enough to replace your coworkers with evil pod-people. If you believe this to have happened, then you can spend all day surfing the internet because it’s not like SARS is going to report you.”
Dammit, Frank, it looks bad when I laugh out loud at work. Especially when I’m eating an onion sesame seed bagel at the time. 🙂
Moe
Don’t confuse SARS with Sara. She’s just the nine-year old new violinist next door. Fire and weaponry will likely upset or confuse Sara’s parents. They are not SARS either.
Funny Business
IMAO gives the lowdown on SARS….
To catch you a championship-sized alligator SARS, you need to use 330 Penn reels with 40 lb. test line or better. Or a hand grenade. Uh huh.
“Gosh-darned tight corsets. And why didn’t anybody catch me?”
“Once again I place the blame squarely on tight pants.”–Coach Z
Frank, another excellent commentary. I need a cone of silence to kill all the laughter coming from my cube. Hope my office workers are pod people.
If there is tight corset wearing, I want pictures…
Funny Business
Every now and then I like to do a roundup of the funny posts I see out there. If you’ve seen a funny blog post or written one yourself, feel free to contact me and I’ll be happy to pimp…
Minstrel: Nobody caught you because you feel too quickly for even my holy reflexes to save you. Nice lacework; you do that yourself?
Scott (not ott): yes, I will bless fire for you. I will even sell you some specially anti-SARS anti-communist hippy seeking Greek Fire (ie, napalm).
I work in the marketing and pr department for a large hospital in California. Reporters call here every single day asking “Do you have a SARS case yet? What are you doing to prevent SARS?” They just can’t wait to spread panic throughout the city. I was good to see some SARS-related humor. Stuff like this will help cushion the fear when the headline finally reads “CITY’S FIRST SARS CASE!”
Fritz,
Just stand by the hospital door with a shotgun and keeps that SARS out.
Minstrel,
It’s not the responsibility of IMAO or any of its affiliates (i.e., me) to catch anyone.
Funny Business
Every now and then I like to do a roundup of the funny posts I see out there. If you’ve seen a funny blog post or written one yourself, feel free to contact me and I’ll be happy to pimp…
Anyone see the South Park last night?
“I’ve got SARS, son. I’m afraid there’s only a 98% chance I’m going to live.”
“* Know of any closet or cabinet you haven’t looked in for a long time? SARS might be hiding there. Better check it out with a flashlight and a shotgun in hand.”
Wouldn’t a handgun of some sort work better? Properly pointing a shotgun with one hand while holding a flash light is very Hollywood, and you know how many smelly hippies are there.
Chris: technically, you could duct tape (or electrical tape, if you’re a pansy) the flashlight to the shot gun. It only says flashlight and shot gun in hand, not that they must be in separate hands, nor that they must be separate entities. Plus, that would just look so cool…
An Insane Time Was Had By All
Over in Frank’s World, Rummy and a few of his friends went to Career Day at the local school. Frank isn’t all fun and games, though. He can also be dead serious: As when he gives you the complete rundown
What is this “SARS” thing everyone is talking about? I was at the shooting range, and I guess I missed it.
Kevin, while duct tape is pretty manly, electrical tape leaves less of that nasty residue that will never go away and makes a mess and stuff. Just use the .45 and save those shotgun shells for rats and hippies and other small vermin.
rofl
Thanks, swim, I thought that was my weakest entry 🙂
I would use a shotgun on SARS since it’s a small little virus, and the buckshot spread would give you a better chance of hitting it.
“SARS usually attacks with flu-like symptoms, but sometimes it will use a choke wire…”
LOL – Another brilliant post Frank!
EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SARS…
…but were afraid to ask. Frank J. has the scoop….
Aren’t ninjas from Japan?
SARS does not scare me.
VSARS, on the other hand…
Also, people with good hearing can just barely detect the high-pitched whine of a virus, did you know that? Yes, a virus in the room sounds like a verrrryy faint mosquito that has been inhaling helium.
Or is that Tom Daschle?
Frank, you’re an ab workout every time I read your stuff. Abs of steel are on the way…
Maybe I’ll just wear a corset instead.
Australains are in deep trouble. Courtesy of puritans decent Ozzies can’t own even an air-rifle unless under strict police monitoring.
The arm must also be locked up in an ugly steel cannister and bullets locked away in another, and the firing mechanism too.
In short, by the time youv’e asked Mr.Beauraucrat, can I take my piece out, then having rassembled it, then scrounged for a few rounds… Sars will have kicked Ozzie arse. Buggered, eh.
I wanna party with Bill Whittle.
No really. I do. HEH.
SARS will never take hold in Australia – the spiders would wipe it out in no time. Since I can’t keep guns in my home I now keep a shoe-box full of assorted spiders to fling at my enemies. Funnelwebs are good, but I’ve found that a handful of redbacks can work even better. Add a small catapult for greater range if you need it.
I work in New York. We got cockroaches bigger than this SARS thing. You hear me? You want a piece of me, SARS? You and what f**kin’ army, huh? SARS can just kiss my Brooklyn *terisk, man!
By the way, Ninjas aren’t from China, they’re from Kawasaki?
Frank my boy,
Here in Oz we don’t have guns, we’ve got the boot. So I suggest giving SARS a good booting. Between the legs. Repeatedly. Until the police turn up and you have to run. That Jeff B. sounds like SARS to me, one big booting coming up, I reckon.
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Ninjas are from japan…
now were’s my cake!