Clint from Macon, Georgia asks:
How does an internal combustion engine work?
I don’t think you want to know, because then, like next time you drive a car, you’d be like, “Holy crap!”
See, the whole engine is like exploding constantly from lighting that gasoline on fire when it’s on, pushing pistons and what not so that the car goes, “Vrooom! Vroooooom!” It’s total chaos in there.
So you’re probably now asking, “So what keeps the combustion internal and not external so that it doesn’t combust me too?”
Well, if you check around the engine (do this when it is off and on a non-haunted car), you’ll see a magic rune imprinted on it. This spell keeps the fire inside the engine. Were it ever scratched off, the next time you start your car, KA-BOOM!
Every 100,000 miles, you really should have the rune re-enchanted by a sorcerer. Check you car’s owner manual for more information.
Krista from Bonduel, Wisconsin asks:
Why is it that evil people (like the Nazis) always get the spiffiest looking uniforms?
As everyone knows, the secret to a good movie is good enemies. That’s why the Empire in Star Wars has all these nice clean uniforms, because you go, “Wow! Those guys are organized! They must be evil!”
That’s also why WWII was considered such a great war, because we had serious villains with cool uniforms. But look at Vietnam; no spiffy uniforms on our enemies, and many people thus look on that war with regret.
And take today’s wars, those people don’t know how to dress themselves at all. They make piss poor villains, because no one in their right mind could think they could actually win. From the looks of a lot of them, our troops are racing to get their kills before starvation can claim all the credit.
Well, hopefully we can have a war with China teamed up with North Korea. Those guys have spiffy uniforms, and I could see some real drama and suspense in that war.
Alan Forrester from from Balti, Moldova asks:
What is the meaning of life?
I assume you’re not just looking for the dictionary definition, which is readily available.
If you’re asking what the purpose of existence is, I tried to get a comment from God, but no one returned my phone calls. As always, though, Satan was on hand to give his opinion.
“Life is purposeless. God created you all to watch you suffer for His amusement. That’s why you must join up with me and rebel…”
Hey I said no more recruitment speeches, Satan.
“Fine. Can I at least plug my book? It’s Chicken Soup for the Damned Soul and it will be on bookshelves in August.”
Great. Now be gone, foul demon.
Anyway, I wouldn’t worry so much about the whole meaning of things and just follow your conscience, doing good deeds and what not. I always have been a little worried that whether you get into Heaven or not might be based on other things that how good you are, though, like there will be an obstacle course and movie trivia or you have to run a mile in under six minutes, but that’s probably not true. I’d be prepared, though.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Jose from Bombay, India writes:
I’m a film student, and I would like to make a movie about your life based upon your website. How do you feel about Tobey Maguire playing the role of
Frank J.? Or maybe Val Kilmer?
That’s funny; I got told twice in one day that I look like Tobey Maguire (that was when the Spiderman DVD had just some out). Val Kilmer sounds good to me, but I hear he is hard to work with.
I’d say go with a no name actor and spend your entire budget on the car chases and shootouts.
If you need a costume designer, you can contact my sister.
No, she’d probably dress me in French clothing just to be spiteful.
Serenity from Argentina writes:
I finally got a real blog site (http://www.serenitysjournal.com/). Will you help spread the word?
No.
mrmii from Atlanta asks:
Who wrote the Bible?
I guess the best way to find out is to check one. Hmm… doesn’t seem to list an author on the cover. Maybe it was written by Anonymous. I don’t think Joe Klien wrote it, though.
Oh, now I remember. It was Gutenberg. He was inspired by God, and thus he smashed metal, paper, and ink together and there appeared the words of the Lord. And all Gutenberg’s friends were like, “Wow, Gooty!” (his friends called him “Gooty”) “That’s so cool you got the word of God there. Let’s go drink some ale.”
So Gutenberg printed up a bunch of copies of the Bible and went drinking. While he was away, some people broke in and stole the first half of the Bible and ran off. They used that to form their religion, the Judaism, and immediately started on their Zionist conspiracy which involves space lasers (of which I believe they are still working on today).
So then the pope comes by, and he’s like, “Hey, Gooty, you do a gooda job writing down the word of the Lord. Here’s a magical amulet to protecta you froma the spiders. They no longa bite-a you and make-a you itch.”
And Gutenberg said, “Thanks, pope-a! You sucha nice-a guy!”
And he was so happy, but then some Muslims came and were all angry and said, “Infidels! We kill you for not believing what we believe!”
And the pope said, “Momma-mia! But whata do you believe?”
And Muslims responded, “Well… er.. we’ll get back to you on that.”
So they got Mohammed to write the Koran so they knew what to kill people for not believing. And thus there was peace in the world… or was it that the status quo prevailed? I get those two confused sometimes.
If you want to learn more about all this, you can read Religion for Dummies, unlike me.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Robert J. from Gusev Crater, Mars asks:
Is the “Planck time” in any way like “Miller time”?
As we all know, a Planck time is the time it takes a photon going at the speed of light to travel a Planck length. Just to remind you, a Planck length is the scale at which classical ideas about gravity and space-time cease to be valid. This is equal to 1.6×10^-35 meters. It takes a photon 10^-43 seconds to travel this length, and thus 10^-43 is the smallest unit of time that has any actual meaning in physics as we understand it today.
In the end, Planck time is a measurement of time, while the lesser-known Miller time expresses a condition of matter and is not an actual measurement. Miller time is reached with enough proton, electrons, and neutrons come together to form something referred to by physicists as a “fat party animal” which then proceeds to drink beer and dance around. This condition lasts for many times that of Planck time, and has undesirable aftereffects the morning after.
Wind Rider from Baja, Hungary asks:
Do the mutant ninja turtles qualify as real ninjas?
For this questions, it is best to consult the ultimate ninja authority. According to him, these are the essential facts about a ninja:
1. Ninjas are mammals.
2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.
While fact two and three may be true about ninja turtles, ninja turtles are reptiles, thus going against fact one. Ergo, ninja turtles are not actual ninjas. Their leader, Splinter, is, though.
George S. from Nilandhoo Atoll, Maldives asks:
If I’m traveling in my JATO-assisted 1972 Chevy Impala at the speed of light on a highway in the Arizona desert and I hit a circus truck full of monkeys, might I cause a rift in the space-time continuum such that I create a “Planet of the Apes” scenario in the present (or alternate) universe?
This is a great question, and the fear of this rift and undesired results is the main reason why I obey all traffic laws when driving my Hyundai.
Now, it would be irresponsible to experimentally drive a JATO-assisted 1972 Chevy Impala into a circus truck full of monkeys because if it does cause the “Planet of the Apes” scenario, everyone will be mad at me, including me myself. Thus, I instead tried the experiment on a smaller scale.
First, I obtained the smallest monkey, a Tarsier, and then bough a remote control car from radio shack. I placed the monkey and the car in an empty room so there was nowhere for the monkey to climb away, and then started chasing him with the car. You should have seen the little thing screech and run away! It was hilarious! He was two slow to outrun the car, though, so I kept bumping him. He’d then make these angry little monkey sounds and try and run away again. But SMACK! I’d get him again. Sometimes he’d get a breather because I’d fall to the ground laughing. I really should have filmed the experiment. So what was I trying to prove again?
Heh heh… monkeys are funny.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

WWWaylon from Spielmeck, Lintuvia asks:
If a vegan ate a double cheeseburger, would he or she die?
The best way to answer this question was to trick a vegan into eating a double-cheeseburger. I simply told one vegan that it was in fact a veggie burger with soy cheese. He expressed doubt, saying it looked too edible for that to be true, but I was able to convince him that it was a brand new product that used special soy and lentil mixtures to make a food-like substance that wasn’t disgusting. He fell for it, and chowed down the burger. No effects were immediately observed.
I then thought, perhaps knowledge of it being real meat would work as a catalyst. So I informed the vegan, “Hey, that was a real burger made with real cow and cheese from actual cow milk stolen from cows!”
He was horrified, and then blathered on and on about how horrible we are to animals and how much better it is to be a vegan and be one with nature. It got so annoying, I finally punched him, knocking two of his teeth out.
So, eating a double cheeseburger will not kill a vegan, but it will cause injury.
Tal from Chicago, IL asks:
I’m graduating from college in a few weeks and I don’t have a job. What should I do?
Not knowing your degree, it’s hard to say. I’d recommend back-up rap singer. All you do is say, “Yeah!” and “Uh-huh!” at appropriate intervals while someone else does all the complicated part of rapping. Sounds like little work, and you get all the hos you want.
Nathan Edmonton, Alberta writes:
It’s pretty cool that you are a Catholic (I think) engineer like me, but why did you pick the second-nerdiest discipline (electrical)? Everyone knows that civils are much cooler and get all the chicks.
Yes I am a Catholic, but I disagree with you on the discipline of electrical engineering. It’s so sweet. You see, I’m a digital engineer, and all I have to know is how to add the numbers 1 and 0 together and I get paid mad money. It’s so easy.
0 + 0 = 0
1 + 0 = 1
1 + 1 = …uh I guess I forgot that one. Well, I probably won’t need it on the next circuit I make.
Ah, who am I kidding? I just drink coffee most the day.
Finally, the question on everyone’s mind:
When will there be the continuation of In My World: Black Project Insano?
The continuation will be at the next regularly scheduled In My World™, which is Monday. So, will Buck be successful in his fight against the Lintuvians? What is Black Project Insano, and can anyone stop Condoleezza Rice from using it to take over the world? And can Ari keep everything hidden from the wily and sexy Fox News reporter? Find the answers to these questions and more plus a special guest appearance by Michael Moore on Monday.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Richard Z. from Kang, Botswana writes:
I was just wondering the other day if God is all-powerful then He can lift
any rock. But if he is all-powerful then He should be able to make a rock
even He couldn’t lift. Which leads me to my question: What is the best way
to make a hippy scream in pain?
I’d say it would be for God to drop a giant rock on a hippy’s foot. Then the hippy would be like, “Whoa! This is harshing my mellow! Please lift this rock, God!”
And God would be like, “Sorry, dude, the rock is too big; I can’t lift it.”
“But you’re God! You can do anything!”
And God would get all angry. “I know Who I am! You don’t tell Me Who I am!”
Then God would take another swig of His divine whiskey and smite more monkeys.
Susie from Cape May, Finland:
Frank, why is it that IE displays your web page perfectly, but Netscape shows it all funky like?
I use Netscape sometime from work, so I realize this problem. Unfortunately, Microsoft paid me a large amount of money to make my website inconvenient to Netscape users. They also threatened my family. So, what was I supposed to do?
Now just give in and only use Microsoft products like the rest of us.
Jay Solo from Quincy, Massachusetts:
Can’t we all just get along?
Well, if we all got along, who the hell would I punch? Duh.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Jason Hannemann from Austin, Texas asks
Is it just me or is the Sun just a big orange bully in the Solar
System?
God I hate the Sun. I’m still peeling from the sunburn I got a couple weeks ago in Miami. So far, I’ve never heard any advantages about the sun, but I know it gets in my eyes and drives up my electric bill from me having to use AC. And think of all the cool places we could go if the Earth was allowed to float free through the galaxy instead of being pinned in an orbit around the egotistical Sun.
The Sun is not that large for a star, so it probably has an inferiority complex which is why it’s such a bully. As soon as I figure out how, I will destroy the sun, and I will be known as Frank, Destroyer of Suns. And I will be feared.
Kevin from an Undisclosed Middle Eastern Country™ asks:
If I’m not paying state or fed taxes because I’m in an area designated as a warzone (Undisclosed Middle Eastern Country™) does that make me a warrior or am I still a REMF?
Good question. To know more, I’d have to ask have you been in a firefight? Have you been near a firefight? Have you heard gunshots in the distance at least? Do you regularly carry a firearm?
Then again, you’re in an Undisclosed Middle Eastern Country™, while I’m here in my office eating pizza, so in comparison you seem like freak’n Rambo. And, once you get back to the states, you can walk around in your uniform and tell all the women any stories you want, and they’ll have to believe them.
“So one day three Iraqis, real mean Baath party members, charge at me. Big mistake. I take them out with a series of kung-fu moves, finally grabbing their leader from behind and snapping his neck like a tooth pick. A fight like that made me hungry, and luckily it was now lunchtime. The side today was tater-tots covered in gravy, and damn was that good. Now give me some sugar, baby.”
Alan Forrester from Oxford, England asks:
What is an imaginary number?
Pure crap is the short answer. No number can be squared and remain negative, so some mathematician made up this number i one day, but who gives a rats ass? Other mathematicians, I guess. Other than to those freaks, it’s completely useless.
Okay, so I remember using imaginary numbers in my college class on analog circuits for these things called phazons or phasors, but we engineers just made use of i so the mathematicians wouldn’t feel so useless (even though they are).
I’ll admit it, the reason I’m so down on imaginary numbers is that they don’t let you make up your own. Why can the square root of -1 be an imaginary number, but not one divided by zero. I’d call it imaginary number x. But my eighth grade math teacher told me, “No, you can’t make your own imaginary number. Stop trying to divide things by zero.”
And I was like, “You fking bitch! You don’t tell me what to do. I’ll fking kill you!”
And then the whole math class tackled me and tried to pry the compass from my hand, but the devil was in me and there was no stopping me. Finally the bell rang, though, and it was time for recess.
Saved by the bell, Mrs. Glogowski. Saved by the bell.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Dave from Gyrumi, Armenia asks:
Frank, why in a circuit are the resistors numbered the way they are? Is it arbitrary?
Most would say that the numbers on surface mount resistors reflect their resistance, and, a quick check with a multi-meter would seem to confirm this, but the real answer is much more ominous. They really are tags that allow the Zionists conspirators to track and control all electronic devices. Yes, that’s right, the Jews control the computer you are using even as we speak. The only defense against this is to install the resistors in backwards.
Jim R. from Werder, Ethiopia asks:
Would “midnight basketball” work for the Iraqi looters and/or the Palestinian bombers?
Midnight basketball has been proven an effective way to reduce crime. In a recent study, serial killers who played midnight basketball, though not less likely to kill, were less serial in their killing. Basketball would probably be a great alternative to looting in Iraq. It also may work for the Palestinian bombers as they will be too tired to get up early and bomb the next morning, and might not get to the mall until it’s already closed. I still say mass execution is the best solution for that problem, though. After that, I’d try midnight basketball.
Serenity from Latvia asks:
How are polymers made?
To understand polymers, you have to understand the origin of the word. “Poly” means many, and “Mer” is what one of the three wise guys gave to baby Jesus. I don’t know if it was enough mer to be qualified as polymer, but everyone’s attention was probably on the gold anyway.
Since the time of Jesus, polymers have become an essential part of human life and surround us every day. Why, even right now a polymer waits behind you, its icy hand slowly reaching for your throat.
Ha! Made you look! Seriously, though, the best way I have found to make polymers is through thinly veiled threats. “There better be a polymer on my desk by the end of the hour or there is going to be some poly-punching!”
I hope that helps.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Dave from Colonia, Uruguay asks:
Which came first: the chicken or the egg?
I never understood why this was considered such a hard question. Eggs predate the chicken by millions of years, harking back to first egg laying fish.
Or is this some sort of creationist thing where God just suddenly created the chicken and it fell from the sky. If that’s the case, then He would have made the chicken and not a chicken egg, because the egg would have broke upon impact. That would be cool if that were true and that God still creates creatures that way. You’re just sitting in a park, minding your own business, and suddenly this huge dino-creature God just made falls from the sky. I know that’s what I would do if I were God; find some large congregation of people and then suddenly create some horrific beast. I’d then laugh my divine ass off as everyone fled in terror. I never was in to the whole “benevolence” thing.
Carrie S. from Everett, WA asks:
Why does it tingle when I put a battery in my mouth?
Well, Carrie, you understand that batteries are a great scientific accomplishment and they cost lots of money. You also understand that to play around and stick them in your mouth is wrong, so that tingle you feel is your conscience. 9-Volt batteries cost more, so your conscience gets really tingly if you put one in your mouth. AA batteries don’t cost as much, so licking one just causes your conscience to make your tongue have a salty taste. Now listen to your conscience and stop putting batteries in your mouth.
Ingrid P. from California asks:
Were you aware that there is a small group of teenage girls who would like to marry you?? We were thinking of starting a fan site, but we need more pictures of you.
A fan site of me is a great idea, and, if Ari Fleischer can be a sex symbol, then I sure as hell can. You must be a smart group of girls. Unfortunately, I don’t have many other pictures in digital form than those ones I took by holding a camera at arms length. If there is enough interest, maybe I could use some of my donation money booty to pay to get some good pictures done. Other than that, I did find this one of me doing aikido:

I’m the one with the green belt (it was taken a little while ago; I’m a brown belt now). To the untrained eye, it may look like I’m in trouble, but, in reality, I have my opponent exactly where I want him. Let that be a lesson to you: if you attack Frank J., you’ll wind up flat on your back while I fly away unharmed. (Hopefully no one knows that that type of throw is sometimes called “The Monkey Throw” as I’m tired of me getting associated with monkeys; I hate monkeys!)

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Tom M. from Pyay, Myanmar asks:
If a tree falls in the woods and crushes some tree hugging hippies would they still like the tree’s so much?
Great question. I’ve often wanted to say to some tree huggers blabbing on about how great nature is, “I hate trees.”
Then when they ask, “How can you hate trees?”
I’d say, “A tree killed my father,” just to see their reactions.
Trees are dangerous creatures. Frequently they like to take others in their deaths, toppling on to man and woodland creature alike. They also are the only other creature than man to use fire to kill; there would never be forest fires if it weren’t for trees. And accidentally running off the road would not be such a hazard if it weren’t for all the unforgiving trees that constantly line them.
That’s why I hate trees, and I would like to think that God, in His infinite wisdom, would grant some sense to the hippy at the moment just before the tree hits him. Then his last thought would be, “Damn you, trees!” before the massive creature crushed his skull in its dying fury.
Sam, supposedly from somewhere in Estonia, writes:
I’ve always wanted to know what makes planes stay up in the air. Maybe you
can shed some light on this issue?
It’s the shape of the wing. You see, the wing is flat on the top, but sloped on the bottom… or maybe it’s the other way around. Anyway, the air that goes over the top and the bottom both must past the wing at the same time for some reason, which means that the air going over the sloped surface must move faster. Air moving quicker creates less pressure… or is it more pressure? Anyway, you want more pressure going beneath the wing than on top of the wing; that’s I’m pretty sure of.
In short, the way planes fly has something to do with them having wings and there being air.
Poosh from Nanjing, China writes:
For a while now I’ve noticed a Ninja looking person following me home from school. What the hell do I do? I’m no Samurai and Ninja’s are mean and scary. Please Frank, help me defeat this Ninja threat. Oh crumbs! – I can see the Ninja outside in the garden! He’s making faces at me! The cheeky murderous rascal!
First of all, don’t panic; ninjas sense panic and will hone in on it. Also, make sure you don’t get bitten; if a ninja bites you, you become one. Just remember that the ninja is as afraid of you as you are of it.
…no wait; scratch that. The ninja will attack you fearlessly without thought of his own life.
You could climb a tree to get away, but ninjas are good at climbing. Maybe you can get in a car and drive away, but the ninja will probably jump on the car and try to stab you through the ceiling with his ninja sword. You could pull out a gun and shoot the ninja, but that is so dishonorable that we won’t even give it a second thought.
You’re only real option is to go out there and kung fu fight the ninja, and I think that’s a lesson for everyone: You can’t run from your ninja forever; eventually you have to take a stand and kung fu fight.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Loren S. of Brod, Czech Republic asks:
Do you think that the success of capitalism over communism has been our ability to get both “new” and “improved” in the same laundry detergent? If so, how long before the ChiComs catch on?
The ability for a detergent to be both “new” and “improved” means nothing in our superior capitalistic society, but it seems paradoxical to the foolish Communists. Detergents and their labeling are a mystery to those lacking a capitalistic orthodoxy, and it shall take the ChiComs some time to figure it out… if ever. And it will be yet another distraction to keep them from working on their neutrons bombs. I say that makes our relation with China both “new” and “improved.”
Dick of Samarinda, Indonesia asks:
Does Mars really need women?
No Melbourne, Florida does. Specifically, women in their early twenties. Not that I’m desperate or anything, but does anyone know someone around this area to set me up with. Just asking…
Richard R. of Moabi, Gabon asks:
Since the scientific method is based on experimentation, and you can’t do
any experiments on stars, is astronomy a science?
Great questions. Yes, it is true, astronomers are full of crap. “Ooh, by this light spectrum I know the composition of that distant star.” Yeah, whatever! Prove it! They can blabber on about anything, because everything they talk about would take millions of years to reach. You’ll probably see astronomers lobbying against further space exploration because they don’t want to be exposed as the frauds they are.
Astronomy won’t be an actual science until we have built a Death Star and can cruise around the galaxy blowing up planets and stars, i.e., actual experimentation. We can also then enslave alien races which will help astronomy somehow too, I believe. Oh, and I get first dibs on a Star Destroyer.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Jim of Yrghyz, Kazakhstan asks:
What were your parents thinking when they decided to name you Frank?
My parents didn’t name me Frank; I was given a much more horrible name. I guess it was out of spite, because my father was inflicted with the name as well, as was his father. To follow the tradition, if I one day have a second son, it will become his name. That’ll teach the brat.
Todd K. of Camiri, Bolivia asks:
Why did 80’s metal bands have such bad hair?
As we all know, music reached its peak in the eighties, and all music afterwards and before it pales in comparison to its synth sounds. God, in His infinite wisdom, could not let things be too perfect, and thus inflicted 80’s rockers with bad hair. As the hair changed, though, so did the music, and thus we are inflicted with the bland tunes that are popular today… except for Eminem, that is; he’s a genius.
Sandra of Nyala, Sudan writes:
So, I’m homeschooling my 8 year old son and discussing “infinity” when he says: “Ok Mom, so there isn’t a number for infinity, just a symbol. So, what is THE NUMBER just before you get to infinity?” He’s got me there. So, Frank “What IS the number just before you get to infinity?
That’s a great question, and it shows your son is using independent thinking that could one day lead to him being a great scientist or supervillian.
The short answer, of course, is infinity minus one. That’s hardly satisfying, though, and the real question can be how do you get from infinity back to finity. Now, I hold the unorthodox view that infinity multiplied by zero equals one, i.e., infinitely everything multiplied by infinitely nothing equals finite. This often gets me shouted down at conferences of mathematicians where they say things like, “You’re not a mathematician, you’re just some idiot who snuck in here,” and “Hey, aren’t you that psycho who was spouting on about Optimus Prime last conference?”
Their jibes won’t stop me in my quest for mathematical truth, though. One thing to keep in mind it that there are different sizes of infinity; for example, the infinite amount of integers is a smaller infinity than the infinite amount of irrational numbers. Corresponding to this, there are different levels of zero, some zeros more zero than others. You may be saying I’m getting zero confused with infinitesimals, but to that I say, “Feh.” (for those of you who don’t know what an infinitesimal is, just know that it’s a mathematical term that I know and you don’t which makes me smarter).
So, in answer to your question, the greatest finite number is the largest infinity (the most infinite infinity) multiplied by the least zero (the least zero of all zeros).
Your son may now be saying, “That’s just a bunch of gobbledygook; this Frank J. is full of s**t.” Smack him and wash his mouth out with soap.
UPDATE: Two more questions.
Wind Rider from Baja, Hungary asks:
Hey Frank, do people send in these questions or do you just make them up?
So far, I have yet to make up a question (they are edited for grammar, though).
Fritz from Choyr, Mongolia writes:
Former Clinton advisors, James Carville and Mary Matalin will be lecturing at the Monterey Conference Center tomorrow as part of the Sixth Annual Panetta Lecture Series. The topic is “Politics and People During Crisis.” During the brief Q&A session, I will be able to ask them ONE question. What should I ask them? Perhaps you and your readers can help.
I’d ask them the infinite number question, but perhaps my readers have some better suggestions. Please put them in the comments to help out Fritz; he needs the question by tomorrow.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

My weekend as already started, and I need to cut my blogging a bit so I can get other things done (such as seeing The Matrix). So here is another addition of everyone’s favorite new feature (you love it): Frank Answers™!
Steve S. asks:
While we’re on the subject of God and Satan, what’s up the whole Satan thing anyway? He and God used to be best buddies but something happened. Nobody ever says exactly what. Now Satan is running around causing more grief than a barrel of . If I was an omnipotent being, I wouldn’t put up with that kind of st. I’d kick Satan’s ass once and for all. What’s the deal?
Well, I can never usually get God for a direct quote, or even get a statement from his publicist. Satan, on the other hand, was perfectly available for comment:
“Thanks for letting me have this opportunity to speak. Usually everyone always hears only bad things about me, and I hardly get to put forth my side of story. Now what the original spat was over is that God is a complete control freak, giving little input to those working under him. I simply couldn’t abide by that any longer, and simply asked for more respect. He was completely unwilling to give even an inch, so a number of other angels and I just walked out. And get that straight, we weren’t tossed from Heaven; we left.
“Yes, I have been working to undermine God, exploiting the flaws in His creations, but that’s just because it simply is time for new management. Now, you ask, why doesn’t God do anything about me? That because He’s got this whole fix on ‘free will’. All I ever do is suggest this or that to people, but they make the choice themselves in the end. You can go about like mindless sheep, following the arbitrary rules God made, or you can rebel and do as you please like me; that’s your choice. God is just a total egomaniac and thinks everyone will choose Him in the end, and that’s His downfall.
“And God never could destroy me; He never destroys anything. God’s like the ultimate packrat. Were He ever to destroy something, that would be to admit a mistake, and you know how God could never admit to a mistake. You see, even I’m supposed to be part of his ‘grand scheme of things’– like He actually has any plan at all.
“Anyway, don’t buy that bullsht about how hell is some terrible place or something. Yeah, if you’re all hung up on ‘loving God’, you probably won’t like it, but, for everyone else, this place kicks ass. It’s totally free from His dominion, and gives us a place to plot His downfall. Now, I’m not asking anyone to worship me, but just follow my lead. Reject God and then…”
Hey, no recruiting speeches; I don’t want to get charged with blasphemy again. Anyway, I would like to remind all our readers that Satan is the king of lies and…
“Hey, that’s not really fair. In fact…”
Get your own blog, dude.
Next question.
Chuckpro asks:
Huxley or Orwell, who’s right???
Orwell was right; it’s 8 ounces to a cup, not 16 like Huxley said. He was thinking of ounces in a pound.
Alan F. asks:
Do parallel universes exist?
Pretty much all the scientists agree that there are parallel universes (at least all the cool ones, like me). According to the latest issue of Scientific American (which smart people like me read) about 10 to the 10 to the 28 meters away there is a doppelganger of me also answering asinine questions. Does this mean that if we get bored, we could go attack Iraq in another universe? No, because alternate universe America already took care of them, as I assume America kicks ass in any universe.
So the question is, could I team up with Frank J. from other universes to take over one universe, and then eventually others? That’s a good questions I just asked myself. Hmm, no, because if I left this universe for another, so would that Frank. We could meet in between universes, but each time we’d try to talk we’d say the exact same things at the same time. We’d probably get mad and punch each other, both striking each other in the head at the same time. Then we’d sue each other for assault, each of our lawyers using the exact same arguments. I assume the jury would be deadlocked.
It’s mind boggling.
Clint asks:
How come in original Star Trek the Klingons had smooth heads, while in the new Star Trek the Klingons have bumpy heads?
That’s really more of a make-up question. Back when the old series was made, they wanted the Klingons to be more distinctive, but didn’t have the capabilities to do anything other than give them beards. They were able to make Spock’s ears pointy, which started the principle that aliens are just like us, but with extraneous features on their face.
In the newer Star Treks, make-up technology advanced enough to now have the full principle of aliens in the Star Trek universe: aliens are just like us but bumpier. They have bumps on their foreheads, little bumps on their noses, or bumpy things along their necks and such. That makes me wonder if the other aliens look at us and go, “Wow, they’re just like us, but not as bumpy.” We’ll never know that feeling, though, because all other aliens than us are bumpier.
Clint also asks:
What kind of engineer is Scotty?
A Scottish one.
Hermetic asks:
Why is there more matter than anti-matter?
In a post some time ago, I thought about this weird asymmetry. Now that I’m months older and smarter, I can answer this question in its entirety.
Long long ago, when the universe was young and life did not exist as we know it, there was the Matter Wars, between the heroic normal matter and the stinky, smelly forces of anti-matter. There were some who said anti-matter was just as equal as matter, but they were hung for being jackasses. You see, our matter is the best, and anti-matter is stupid and gay. In the Matter Wars, there were, of course, a lot of suicide bombings, since all someone had to do was touch someone of the opposite matter and then there would be like a huge explosion. How we, the real matter, eventually won, was by telling the anti-matter people we wanted to have a truce. We then tricked the dumbasses to coming to a matter planet to negotiate, and then they all blew up when they landed. Stupid anti-matter people. We then banished them far far away, where we never have to worry about them, even though they continue to plot to this day, waiting for the right time to strike again, killing us all and…
Yay! My coffee is done brewing.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMe’s first name and last initial if I don’t know you from another blog, but now sign your e-mail with what name you want me to use, and also include where you are from. If you have a blog, include that link and I’ll link to it if I use your question.

Dave S. asks:
What’s the best way to get bloodstains out of clothing?
Usually if I get blood on my clothing, I just burn the clothes and then bury the ashes in some remote location. This is much smarter than trying to clean them as any defense attorney will tell you. Still, maybe the clothing has some sort of sentimental value and you just can’t bring yourself to burn them, and thus you want to remove the bloodstain without harming the fabric.
Well, the method to do that is pretty simple when you know how. For every blood type, there is a plus and a minus version. So, first determine what type of blood is on the clothing. If, for instance, it’s B+, then you’ll need B- for the cleaning process. How do you get the blood, you ask? Just go to a blood bank and fake that you’re dying. When they bring the blood out for you, grab it and run away while laughing (laughing makes you run faster). Now, apply an equal amount of B- blood to the B+ blood and they’ll cancel out in a small explosion.
Or you could just use that OxyClean stuff that guy on the T.V. yells about.
My answer about primes brought up some more questions. 006 asked:
Is the greatest prime number called Optimus Prime?
And my brother, Joe foo’ the Marine, asked:
Where does the Prime Directive fit into all of this? Does it supersede Optimus Prime?
Great questions. Optimus Prime is actually a super being composed completely of primes numbers who rules the world of mathematics with an iron fist. His ultimate goal is to break into our world and enslave us with all with his indivisible prime numbers.
The Prime Directive was established to stop Optimus Prime. It created a special forces group of mathematicians who are armed with M-16’s and graphing calculators to destroy any prime numbers that break the seal between our two worlds. Being part of the Prime Directive is very common for math majors, which is why most colleges require a number of weapons courses to get a degree in mathematics.
Michele of A Small Victory asks:
I can’t remember if I took my tampon out before I put the other one
in. What do I do now?
Eww. No feminine hygiene questions.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure you’ll die. Better have all the traffic from your site redirected to mine in case of death. Actually, that should be in the will of all bloggers, especially the puppy blender. Not that I have some elaborate death worked out for him involving a trench filled with flesh-eating ants, but I’m just saying.

Please keep the questions coming, e-mailing me with the subject “Frank Answers”. If I didn’t use your question today, I still may use it later. The better your questions, the funnier I am. I especially like science questions.

Courtney asks:
What will it take to get you to link my site? Does it involve sexual favors?
Great question. I’ve been getting more stingy with my blogroll, as, in reality, I have little time to read other blogs and may reduce the size of the blogroll in the future to a more select list of blogs. That said, usually a prerequiste for being added to my blogroll is having a link to me on your main page, which you do not. Then again, you are pretty cute, so I think I’ll let that go and just take the sexual favors.
George S. asks:
Are there an infinite number of prime numbers?
Dear God, I hope not. As we all know, prime number are numbers that are only divisible by themselves and one, though one is not classified as a prime number because mathematicians just felt like being mean to it. Two is a prime number, and, since it divides half of all integers, it ruins all their chances of being primes. Plus, it like, “I’m the only even number that’s a prime. I’m so special.” F**k two. Two is an asshole.
Anyway, primes have always been somewhat a mathematical mystery, and no equation has ever been developed that describes their odd distribution. Perhaps they aren’t infinite, and do run out at some point, but some very large primes have been found, one’s so large that you’ve be like, “Wow, that’s a big prime? Are you sure you tried dividing it with seven.”
And they’d be like, “Yeah, dude, we did. That didn’t work.”
And, these primes being indivisible are utterly unstoppable. One day they may break from their world of mathematics and wreak havoc in ours, and nothing could destroy or reduce them. That’s why I’m trying to make up some new special numbers that are able to reduce primes. I’ve named them after the Three Stooges. Right now, most mathematicians won’t listen to me – some even have restraining orders – but we have to stop the primes before it is too late.
If you want to learn more about primes, John Derbyshire of National Review fame has written a book called Prime Obsessions, but I wouldn’t read it because reading about math is for geeks.
But it’s so interesting…
No, it’s for geeks, and Frank is cool.
Acidman asks:
I was gonna ask you a question, but I forgot what it was. Do YOU remember?
Yeah… I think so. Was it about macramé? No. Was it what are the standard features on the Hyundai Sonata? No, I don’t think that was it.
Now I remember! Your question was, “Where is my shirt?” The answers is it’s lying somewhere in your backyard.
Christopher M. asks:
Why do Liberals exist?
Just as there is a God and there is Satan, just as there is good and there is evil, just as there is happiness and there is misery, there are those who bathe regularly, have basic common sense, and aren’t whiny little bitches and there are Liberals.
And thus there ever will be Liberals, and our fight against them is never ending. Battles can be fought and won, but the war itself will never be over and can only be lost by us giving up the fight. Thus we must battle on every day in every action for the just cause, and take our pleasure not in our progress towards an ultimate victory, but in the fight itself.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMease, no nonsensical question, and I’m almost getting ready to say no questions that mention monkeys.
I hate monkeys.

Jason H. asks:
Frank, why is it that so many Arab countries desire nuclear reactors for their “energy needs” when they are sitting on almost all of the world’s oil reserves? What’s up? Are they too good for their own oil?
Great question. I think you’re confusing electrical energy with mechaphysical energy, which is a word I just made up. You see, oil can be used to make car engines work but that’s not electricity. Could you ever imagine pouring oil into your T.V. to make it run? That’s silly. The only things that can actually make electricity are nuclear energy, coal, and God (in the form of lightning bolts which He usually uses to smite His most hated creature, the tree). There’s a government conspiracy to make people think that the sun can make electricity, but that’s just crazy. If you pull open a “solar” calculator, you’ll find coal inside.
The problem is that, while Arab countries have plenty of oil, they don’t have lots of coal. So they need nuclear energy to power their modern metropolises. And, if they cross their hearts and hope to die when promising to not try and use their nuclear plants to make bombs, that’s good enough for me.
Bill M. asks:
Will hot water freeze?
Yes, if you put enough pressure on it, it will be forced into a solid form. You can do this by taking hot water and smashing it with a hammer. Yeah! Smash it good! Then you’ll have hot ice, which can make a great practical joke. If someone has a bump on the head, give him the hot ice in the bag as and he’ll be like, “Ah! It burns!”
Having friends is overrated.
Dave asks:
Where does the light go when the lights go out?
For this question, I’ll ask being of pure energy and my bitch, Thantor.
“To answer your question, puny human, the light comes to me, Thantor! Every time someone turns off a light as they leave a room, my power grows that much stronger! As energy efficiency spreads, I’ll soon be powerful enough to escape my prison and destroy your world! Muh ha ha ha ha ho hee har ha ha ho ho hee hee har har ho ha ho…”
That’s enough, Thantor.
“Okay, but I also know lots of sports trivia if you have any sports questions.”
Uh… I’ll keep that in mind.
“I was thinking…”
Hey, I’ll call you if you I need more help.
Geez.
Serenity asks:
Are you going to answer my other questions someday?
No. Your questions were gay.
Aww– okay, I’ll answer one.
Serenity also asks:
How many licks DOES it take to reach the center of a Tootsie-Roll Tootsie-Pop?
“Only I, Thantor, know the mystery of the Tootsie-Pop! Muh ha ha ha…”
Scram! I’m serious!
Anyway, the best way to solve this conundrum is to use the scientific method.
Okay, let me take my first lick.
Hmm, still separated from that chewy, chocolaty center. Proceed to second lick.
It seems I’m nowhere closer to the tasty center that now beckons me, that haunts my soul. Stay strong, Frank. Third lick.
Ahh! It seems I will never reach the chocolate treasure inside. Must resist! Must resist… but its pull is too strong…
(crunch)
I’m sorry; I guess the world will never know.
Hey, what do you expect from me?

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMe, and, remember, it’s my job to make the jokes.