Scott from Heartland, U.S.A. writes:
I need your help with a personal crisis. One of my friends just told me that mustard is a “Commie condiment”. Is this true? I really like mustard, does that make me a closet commie? Help!
PS: I thought commies liked mayo on their fries, not mustard.
But I like mayo on my fries…
Anyway, there is nothing Commie about any condiment. Americans love choice and being able to put whatever the hell they want on their foods. What’s Commie is charging for packets of ketchup or mustard like I hear they do in Europe. We’re rich capitalist, we get too be wasteful with our many packets of condiments, most of which go unused.
Nothing says freedom like a drawer at work full of unused ketchup and hot sauce packets.
From Poosh from either Nanjing, China or Bexhill, England writes:
Even though you have consistently given advice that has had a negative impact on my life I have no one else to turn too, the police simply won’t believe me. I took your advice and bought some anti-ninja spray and sprayed my flowers good. That was fun. I then went into my house and awaited the ninja hoards. Sure enough, just as the sun was setting, they attacked! That’s when the anti-ninja spray took affect! All the flowers in my garden mutated into these crazy looking flower-monsters! The ninjas tried to fight back but for every mutant flower they felled, two grew in its place! And thus the ninjas died. Victory was mine! I jumped for joy and praised America and set a side £10 to donate to you as a thankyou present. But then the mutant-flowers evolved and somehow took over not just my garden but my house! Everywhere is green and I’ve been imprisoned in my room. Sometimes I think Poison Ivy from Batman is going to show up and order me to be her sex slave which would be great but that hasn’t happened yet. What do I do, Frank? What do I do? I think the flowers are plotting to take over the world…
Okay, I’ve used ninja sprays before, and I know they work perfectly fine if you follow the directions. That means to shake the spray vigorously for one minute and then put a light coating on the plants. If you do it properly, that plants would have just enough power to repel the ninjas, but not enough to take over your house and plan world conquest. Obviously, you did something wrong, so you get a chiding.
Chide. Chide. Chide.
Now that I’ve finished chiding you, here is what to do next. You need to get the archnemesis of the plants: vegetarians. Round up a bunch of vegetarians and set them loose on the plants. The plants will either flee in terror or be viciously torn apart by the vegetarians.
Hope that helps.
Tim from Melbourne, FL writes:
Canada has a holiday called Boxing Day. What is so special about (aboot) Boxing Day? Why do they have it?
Wow! I thought I was the only one who lived in Melbourne, Florida and wondered what the hell Boxing Day is. There is no way to be certain, as the ways of the Canadians are tribal and mysterious, but I do have a theory.
Obviously, it can’t be about boxing like in punching each other, because the Canadians are too much a bunch of peaceniks. So my guess is that on boxing day they all get together a bunch of boxes and make cool forts out of them. What fun, eh?

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Bill McCabe from Ridgewood, NJ writes:
Which are deadlier: American Ninjas or Japanese Ninjas? You see, the film “American Ninja” has the American beating the Japanese Ninja, while “Revenge of the Ninja” has the Japanese guy winning. I’m rather confused as to who is superior.
That’s a rather easy question to answer: Americans are superior at everything. While American ninja might not be as skilled as classically trained Chinese or Japanese ninjas, we still win anyways because America always wins. That’s because God likes us and dislikes other countries. We know that since we are the only country to get tornados; that’s God’s sign to us that we are all really cool… though some people interpret it differently.
Aaron from Canada writes:
Does Soy Sauce really kill bacteria? KIKKOMAN told me it did, but I’m not sure, eh.
Obviously a flash animation that well produced has to be right, so, yes, soy sauce does kill bacteria.
Is there anything soy can’t do? No, there is nothing it can’t do, which makes it a threat to us. Yes, it makes lots of healthy foods now, but soy could have more sinister plans in the future. Instead of a world taken over by apes, we could end up ruled by soy where they use meat from humans to make a non-vegetarian replacement to soy burgers.
I’m not saying destroy all soy; I’m just saying we should keep an eye on it.
Rustmeister from Smartsville, USA writes:
I just bought myself a Nuke the Moon t-shirt for my birthday. My question is: Will this t-shirt slow the aging process?
That’s a silly question; of course it will. It will also increase your vocabulary, give you limited x-ray vision, and let you go 48 hours without sleep with no ill effects.
Of course, there was no real reason for me to answer this question, because all knowledge would become known to you as soon as you put on the shirt.
BTW, those who have these wonderful shirts now, remember to get those pictures in for the Peace Gallery.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Kelsey J. from Anytown, USA writes:
Frank, my mom and I were thinking of making a movie where all the liberals (and, if arrangements can be made, monkeys) die because they don’t support gun rights. Would you like to star?
Sure, but there has to be lots of gun fights and I keep to keep all the firearms I use in the film. Plus there has to be a gratuitous katana fight scene where I quickly kill twenty people with my sword in under a minute.
And, at the end, it can’t say, “No animals were harmed in the making of this movie.” Instead, is should say, “Numerous monkeys were killed in the making of this movie, and we’re happy with that.”
Oh, and my percentage I ask for will of the gross, not the net.
Justin R. (a.k.a. Red Mist) from Hell (Grand Forks), ND writes:
I just turned 21 recently and I am trying to decide what firearm to buy as a concealed carry gun. I’ve narrowed it down to a Glock 19 in 9mm or a Glock 23 in .40S+W. I was also considering the Springfield XD 4 inch service model in the same calibers, but I haven’t heard much about its reliability, so I think I’m going to stick with a proven gun. Can you help me with my dilemma? 9mm or .40?
I don’t know; considers whether you want to kill your attacker or tickle him.
Hey, I always say go with a .45, but a .40 has plenty of punch. 9mm is just some wussy metric bullet made by Nazis. Stay away from metric ammo, or, if you must get a 9mm, instead refer to it has a .380 long.
UPDATE: I like to give joke answers, but guns are a serious thing. Anyway, I have now just got this months issue of Gun Tests magazine, and they recommend the cheaper Springfield XD 9. I still think it’s better to have at least a .40 for the stopping power, though.
Also, if you are going to carry, you want to keep a round in the chamber, otherwise you can’t do a one-handed draw. I just don’t trust Glock’s with a round in the chamber. I need either a stiffer double action on the first shot or a manual safety.
Previously, I recommended this carry holster which allows one to carry a full size auto. Here is me wearing the holster with both my Colt 1991 and Walther PPK in it. Such a holster gives you more options in what you can carry.
Stephen from Hope, Arkansas asks:
I believe your logic is flawed: strategically-placed wide moats would do a much better job at repelling random ninja attacks than tall fences. (It’s common knowledge that ninjas dislike water.) Does that change your pro-random ninja attack stance?
First, don’t mischaracterize my statements; I am not “pro-random ninja attack”. I just think that measures such as walls and moats are wastes of time. Ninjas will climb the walls, and, remember, ninjas can jump very far. The amount of money it would take to make a moat wide enough to keep out ninjas would be too costly, plus there’s that extra long bridge or gate to take care of. I still think the only real solution is to teach the death-touch to the common man. When each man himself can take on a ninja, then random ninja attacks will cease to be a problem.
Not like it affects me anyway; I’m a samurai.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

George S. from the Galactic Headquarters, Milky Way Division writes:
Everyone knows you hate monkeys. What’s your position on Sea-Monkeys?
Monkeys are bad enough as it is on land, but for them to also to propagate their evil into the sea would be too much. What would be next? Flying monkeys ruling the air, biting and scratching all our airplanes?
Luckily, sea monkeys are actually just boring little brine shrimp, easily killed by adding a drop of bleach to their aquarium. Try it yourself; it’s fun!
Chris from Satellite Beach, Florida write:
I live in a neighboring city of yours called Satellite Beach. Do you think you and me could go hang out sometime? I could go for some hippy-hunting.
Well, I don’t just take anyone on hippy-hunting, Chris. I need to know I can trust the other person. How can I be sure that when a bull hippy comes charging at us, you’re not going to blink? You miss your shot, and then we could both end up smelling like patchouli oil.
Jay Solo from Quincy, Massachusetts asks:
Why is there air?
Air is needed as a medium so that things can fly. Before air, paper airplanes fell straight to the floor, and birds were forced to run around on the ground, pecking at people’s feet. Finally, though, the Wright brothers came up with an invention called the airplane, named after Sir Isaac Airplane who first theorized that man could fly. They realized, though, that they needed some gaseous medium for the contraption to work in. Thus they argued to the government to begin filling the world with gas by genetically modify plants to produce oxygen, nitrogen, and some other elements that together we know as air (named after the airplane).
The only problem was that this air ended up being quite addictive, and a person will die from withdrawal symptoms when being deprived of air for a only a minute or so. It is possible to slowly wean yourself off the addiction, but it takes eighty years or so.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Meryl Yourish from a secluded island in the Pacific writes:
I got a letter back from with one of those messages that said it failed to deliver my email to the recipient. It was my letter to you on the Hulk and Rumsfeld fight. Yet you answered the letter without having received it. Can you explain this miracle? Does it have anything to do with the shirts?
Yes, I didn’t want to mention it because it has not been confirmed by scientists, but my Nuke the Moon t-shirt gives me psychic powers. I am able to tell what a person is going to e-mail me and respond even without seeing the e-mail!
Actually, when you e-mail THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMe who thought I never received your subtitle submissions, I did receive them and summarily rejected them… if that makes you feel better.
So, until I get my mailbox cleaned out, just ignore the bounce back messages.

More Frank Answers™ later!
…if I feel like it. Actually, screw you; you write some funny posts. I’ve been writing for the whole week and I feel burnt out now.
Ah, I shouldn’t take it out on you, my readers. Didn’t get much sleep last night so I just didn’t have time or energy to think of something to post today. I should have just pulled something from my ancient archives of funny stuff and put that up… oh, I have the perfect thing! But I’m at work now, so it will have to wait until I get home about 5pm. But it will be great!
Until then, for those of you who have received your shirts by now, here is how to turn it into a cool ninja mask. Sure, you’re saying, I can do that with any black t-shirt, but only the Nuke the Moon t-shirt gives you actual ninja powers!
Oh, and I have been putting secret messages in my Links of the Day™ for like a week now; did anyone notice?

Meryl Yourish from a secluded island in the Pacific asks:
Who do you think would win in a fight between the Hulk and Rumsfeld?
That’s a hard one. One is a boiling pot of rage that thinks of nothing more than destruction, and the other is large and green. Personally, I’d put my money on Rumsfeld– as long he took his arthritis medicine before the fight.
Vince from NS, Canada writes:
As an evil conservative, I can understand keeping women pregnant and in the kitchen. But why barefoot!? It seems kinda unsanitary. Hopefully you can
clear this up.
Giving women shoes is a big mistake. As soon as they have shoes, they might feel safe venturing outside the house. And if they’re out of the house, who will bring you your beer when you are watching football? And next thing you know, women may use the freedom of shoes to go out and vote, and that’s how people like Bill Clinton got elected. Even Dole would have won against him if men had just kept their women barefoot and in the kitchen.
And, of course, once women get one pair of shoes, they’ll want more. Me, I have one pair of worn sneakers, and, whether I’m going jogging, going to work, or going to the governor’s ball, they’re all I need. But women will want all sort of wacky shoes for reasons unconceivable to men. Soon, your whole closet will be filled with them and your wife will be saying, “We need to get rid of some of your power tools to make room for more shoes.”
Barefoot and in the kitchen; that’s the only way to go.
To women readers of IMAO: I’m just kidding!
Michael Colwell of Ucluelet, BC, Canada asks:
You seem to be an expert on monkeys. I want to know this: Why did The Man With The Yellow Hat continue to rescue Curious George from the perilous situations he created for himself? And why was he always dressed in yellow with those funny boots? Frankly, The Man looks French to me. I read Curious George stories to my young kids and I’m worried that I might be corrupting them. Should I stop?
Yes, stop immediately!
My mother read Curious George stories to me as a child, until my father heard one and correctly identified it as a subversive threat. He then burnt all the books and we were better for it.
Why is George so “curious”? Why is he sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong? Because he’s a spy, that’s why. And he relays his information back to France, the most monkey and terrorist friendly government in Europe, through the man in the yellow hat. Of course, most people don’t notice the monkey as a spy, because he and the man in the yellow hat (who we quite conspicuously never hear the name of) disguise his intelligence gathering efforts as “misadventures.”
Well, no one’s pulling the wool over my eyes. Curiosity not only kills the cat, but the monkey as well if I have anything to do about it.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

CPT Brook A. Nelson asks:
So, uh….you know… What’s up with the whole monkey hating thing?
Many people would probably think it started when I was shot by a monkey, but I’ve had suspicion of simians well before then. You see, monkeys have always hated us and were jealous of us since we became the ruling primate. They plot and wait, looking for the best opportunity to bring on our downfall.
As a kid, I would sometimes see a monkey peering in through my bedroom window, and then swing off into the forest. My mom assured me there were no wild monkeys in New Jersey, but I knew better. They are everywhere, watching us, waiting, finding our weaknesses…
In the least, a monkey will bite you. In the worst, it will destroy all of society. The smart man would be prepared.
John from Bagdad, Arizona asks:
Why is it that I like hippy music, but can’t stand hippies?
Ah, the siren song of hippy music. It gives you the warm feeling of a life without responsibilities or logical reasoning, but it must be resisted. It’s good you still hate hippies, but I would recommend not listening to anymore hippy music for the good of your soul. Suddenly one day, you may think, “Hey, I can skip taking a shower for a day or two,” or say about some foreign conflict, “Maybe we can talk it over instead of bombing.” It will start slowly, but one day you will be too forgone for any intervention, and even a Nuke the Moon t-shirt will not be able to save you.
Wind Rider from Baja, Hungary asks:
What exactly is “the heartbreak of psoriasis”?
Well, it’s that when someone get psoriasis, it’s very heartbreaking.
I knew this guy, and he was like, “My heart is broken.”
And I asked, “Does this have to do with a girl?”
“No, psoriasis.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said with faux sympathy (I don’t actually like other people or care about their problems), “Is there anything they can do?”
“Doctor says he’ll have to cut me open and fix my heart with duct tape and twine.” The guy then rose to his feet and shook his fist in the air. “Psoriasis!”
I hope that clears things up.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Kelsey J. from Tshane, Botswana asks:
In a fight between you and Aquaman, who would win?
Oh, come on. In any usual fight I would just blow him away with my .45 (does he have any fish powers to stop bullets?), but let’s say he somehow catches me unarmed; I’m still going to bounce his head off the pavement.
If he gets me in water somehow, sure he can breathe there and I can’t, but that still won’t keep me from strangling him. And maybe he’ll call some fish on me, which just means I’ll kick the ass of some Tuna and Marlin along with his.
Now, if for some reason I fell asleep on an inner tube while unarmed and floated out to sea, then maybe they’re be a bit of a fight because he’d have the drop on me. But he’d still end up known as “Aquabitch” in the end.
Maybe the reason Aquaman seems so wussy is that orange outfit of his. Instead, he should try putting on cool t-shirt and then maybe he’ll get more respect.
UPDATE: This came in from Stoney and Medb.

I take back all those things I said about you, Aquaman. Please don’t kick my ass! (Just wait until I get my own shirt…)
Mark from Omaha, Nebraska writes:
As much as I hate to ask this question, it must be asked. A friend has been converted to the ways of Michael Moore. How do I release his soul from the clutches of that evil man?
Well, if it ever happened to me, I’d hope a close friend would end me quickly with a gunshot to the head. You might try taking him to a priest and see if they’ll do an exorcism. Also, you could buy him a Nuke the Moon t-shirt, which has been known to magically convert lefties. Other than that, I’d just slap him silly. It might not cure him, but it will make you feel better.
Paul from Nukus, Uzbekistan asks:
Is the speed of light slower at night?
Good question. This calls for the scientific method. What I did was got a flashlight and a stopwatch (with a nanosecond hand). I marked a spot on the ground to stand, and then timed how long it took the light to reach the tree, both during the day and during the night.
Now, you’re probably saying, “You don’t have the reaction time to stop the stopwatch as soon as the light hits the tree.”
Being Frank, though, I already thought of that, of course. I recorded what my reaction time is, so, once I minus that from the stop watch, I’ll have the length of time it took the light to reach the tree.
Anyway, I did it a bunch of trials in each scenario (six times), and it was conclusive that light took on average a couple nanoseconds longer to reach the tree during the day, quite contrary to your hypothesis, Paul.
Here’s why, at night, the light has clear sailing and can fly forward without anything getting in its way, but, during the day, there’s all this other light it has to dodge around.
It’s like, “Hey, could you please let me pass by?”
While the other light is like, “I was here first, bub. Go around me.”
So that’s why light is slower during the day.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Homiller from Keokea, HI asks:
Do you have a feel for when we are going to start stealing Iraq’s oil? I’m eager for my share.
Patience, patience. Right now there is too much focus on Iraq, and stealing oil is a delicate thing. Soon, though, we’ll distract the world with some other conflict, either North Korea or Iran, and then we’ll drop this phoney-bologna setting up a new government shtick and get to our real work. As soon as the world’s attention is back to Iraq, we’ll be long gone with all the oil. Then world will be like, “Where’s the Americans?”
And the Iraqis will answer, “We don’t know. They just suddenly left with barrels full of something or another. Those gringos are plum loco.” (I think I’m getting Iraqis mixed up with Mexicans, but you get the gist).
Anyway, then all us war supporters get to split the oil profits which we can spend on more guns, SUV’s, and cool t-shirts.
Buck Hicks from Yazd, Iran writes:
Are you for real? I mean how do we know that you are not some lefty making fun of us conservative readers behind our backs? It would be the perfect scam, don’t you think? Here you are making fun of your audience on a regular basis and we are just lapping it up and asking for more.
That’s just crazy.
Excuse me for a second.
Muh ha ha ha ha… Bwa ha ha hah ha! Ah ha ha HA HA HA!!
Anyway, I’m as rightwing as they come. I really do like guns and punching poor people and all that other conservative stuff.
Carl from Alexandria, MN writes:
Lately it seems that I’ve been hearing over and over that Democrats are for the “Little People”. I was hoping you could tell me why they like little people so much. Also, my girlfriend has been suggesting recently that I begin to diet and lose some weight. Is she part of a vast conspiracy to turn me into one of the “Little People”? Can I really trust her at all? If I do actually lose some weight, will I gradually turn into a foul smelling hippie? Thanks for your answers Frank. I really hope you can help me.
Yes, it’s true, years of believe the tripe Democrats spew twists and mutates people into horrible little mutants known as the “Little People.” They are tiny in size, but have even more hatred and ill will than a full size man. These are the tiny, evil foot soldiers of the Democrats’ crusade to destroy mankind, and they must be stopped.
Where Little People are involved, trust no one, including your girlfriend. Spend your well-earned money on capitalistic items like junk food, candy, and cookies. And, if you hear little feet scampering about and high pitch voices whining about the rich, load that shotgun. Make sure to identify your target, though, because if you accidentally kill a hobbit instead of a Little Person, that’s seven years bad luck.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Richard R. from Moabi, Gabon writes:
Over on USS Clueless, SdB has a very long technically precise answer to the following question:
“I’ll keep this short. The following questions came up among a group of engineers at the bar tonight, and I thought I’d ask. Basically, I’m asking you this because you seem to know everything else… Do all points on the equator experience 12 hours of sunlight a day, 365 days/year? If so, please explain. If not, is there any point or any two points that will experience sunlight 12 hours/day, 365 days/year?”
I’m figuring you’ll have a better answer than his.
How the hell would I know?
…I mean, of course I’ll have a better answer than Stephen den Beste. As everyone knows, I’m smarter, I’m sexier, and I have better t-shirts than him.
Due to the rotation of the earth, it’s tilt, it’s path around the sun, and it’s dynamic metarysimal action (a term so scientific that I only know it), there is actually only one point on the earth that gets exactly 12 hours of sunlight every day. The location is unknown, but it is prophesized in the bible (one of the psalms; I forget which) that there lies at the spot a hidden cave guarded by evil leprechauns who kick and bite. These leprechauns are even more angry and drunken than the ones in Ireland, and hardly a man would ever be able to survive an onslaught of their tiny fists.
If somehow one would survive the leprechauns, inside lies The Holy Grail. Well, maybe not The Holy Grail, but a holy grail, nonetheless. Anyway, there will certainly be some stalagmites, which are cool to look at.
I didn’t read Stephen den Beste’s answer, but, if he didn’t mention leprechauns and stalagmites, then he obviously just pulled the answer out of his ass and I would never trust him again.
Max from Fairfield, CT writes:
Dear God, Michael Moore is fat. So if we do eventually, God willing, nuke the moon, could we launch Michael Moore into space and have the sun reflect off of him?
Yeah, right. We’re going to nuke the moon, but not nuke Michael Moore. Please put a little more thought behind your questions, people.
Jared from Littleton, Colorado writes:
I’ve noticed your Japanese subsidiary produces a line of smiley-face spatulas (http://www.imao.co.jp/gift/index.html), among other trinkets. Is the work in these factories being performed by small children, or, due to Japan’s higher labor costs and overly-stringent child labor laws, are you forced to use tamed ninjas?
Hey, that’s supposed to be a secret product line I’m working on (that’s why it’s in Japan). Anyway, there is no such thing as a tamed ninja; were a ninja ever to stop flipping out and cutting people’s heads off, he would cease to exist. Instead, the spatulas are being assembled by trained seals. One of them is named George and he likes to eat fish.
Anyway, right now I’m just focusing on the t-shirts. Smiley-faced spatulas is my next empire.
Tara from Guernica, Spain asks:
Why are you so cool? How can I learn to be more like you?
Asking why I am so cool is asking like why does the wind blow or why does the bird sing.
…well, I guess there are technical answers to those questions. Anyway, let’s move on to how to be cool like me.
First you have to be super smart. I mean like super duper smart. So you have to go to college and study hard things and buy books on science and actually read some. Then you have to have mad skilz, which means taking martial arts and practicing everyday. Owning a katana is a plus. Also, you need to own a 1911 style firearm (that’s a .45 baby; no metric ammo for Frank), and constantly practice your aim at the range.
Then there is personality. You have to have charm and wit, and, when those don’t work, you have to know how to throw a sucker punch.
Of course, there is the sense of humor, but that’s basically just a gift from God. So you need to pray to God to give you a sense of humor. Subtle threats aimed at Him might help.
Of course, the cheapest and most efficient way to be cool like Frank is to buy and wear a Nuke the Moon t-shirt.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Jack from Missouri asks:
How many virgins could I get for insulting an Israeli or just annoying one?
This seems like a question for my local blind cleric. So I sought out the cleric and asked, “Do you get virgins in heaven for just annoying or insulting Israelis?”
And he replied, “Kill the Jews!”
“That doesn’t really answer my question…”
“Jews!!! Kill!!!”
I knew this wasn’t going anywhere, so I snatched a pebble from his hand and ran away.
Next I decided to consult Allah himself. Susprisingly, he was available for questions. “So, Allah, do you get any virgins in heaven for just calling an Israelis a ‘doody-head’?”
“That is a great question, my son,” Allah replied, “To know the answer you must… kill the Jews!!!”
“What?”
“Kill!!! Jews!!!”
“Hey! You’re not Allah! You’re Satan!”
“Yeah, you got me,” Satan admitted.
“I can’t believe you; trying to trick people into killing Jews!”
“Yeah, but you were too smart for it,” Satan said, “Why, I bet you are so smart, you could kill way more Jews than those silly Muslims.”
“Well, yes, I am quite smart… Hey! Now you’re trying to appeal to my vanity to get me to kill the Jews! You get out of here you mean bad Satan man!”
So, in conclusion, I’d say if you want virgins, I wouldn’t mess around with those Israelis. They have uzis.
George S. from Austin, TX asks:
What’s this Middle East Cycle of Violence I keep hearing about? Is it Lance Armstrong’s new bike that he’ll be riding in the Tour de France?
Ever since I was a little kid, I always wanted a cycle of violence. One that could launch missiles at the other kids and had bladed spokes to take out the wheels of other cycles.
The Middle East Cycle of Violence is that dream come true: a ten speed bicycle loaded with weaponry (and reflectors to keep you safe when riding in the dark). It’s the first truly original product to come out of the Middle East, and will hopefully finally give them an economy not reliant solely on oil and hating the Jews.
Poosh from Nanjing, China writes:
I took your advice and unleashed Kung Fu on the ninja as you instructed. It was tough at first because life is tough, but, in the space of two hours, I beat his ass into ground. He fled. I thought that was the end of it and contemplated donating some money to you for giving such great advice and helping me face my ninja, BUT, when I looked out the window the next day, there was a squad of ninjas in the garden, messing up the flowers and throwing ninja stars at my window. Apparently if you beat up a ninja he gets his older brothers and cousins onto you… YOU HAVE MADE THINGS WORSE!
First off, IMAO and all it’s subsidiaries (of which there are none) are not responsible for the consequences of following the advice given on this site.
That said, here is some more advice. Yes, defeating one ninja may not be enough to stop the problem, but if you go out and defeat all of them, then they will finally leave you alone. Don’t be too worried; the ninjas’ usual tactics are to circle around you and then attack you only one or two at a time.
Also, to keep ninjas out of your flowers, there are some sprays you can use. You can’t always get them at the supermarket, but ACE Hardware or Home Depot should have some.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Virginia from Virginia writes:
A question has been bugging me for a long time now: Is there more potato in a bucket of large potatoes or a bucket of small potatoes?
The best way to answer this is by the scientific method. I took a bucket of small potatoes and a bucket of large potatoes and filled them with water. Whichever took less water to fill would have less empty space and more potato. Unfortunately, the potatoes floated. To keep them from floating, I decided a good idea would be to fill them with lead shot. The most efficient way of delivering lead shot to them seemed to be to shoot them with a shotgun.
Anyway, all my potatoes were destroyed, so I had to find another way to get the answer. I decided to call my parents since they live in Idaho and most know all sorts of things about potatoes. My Mom answered the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s Frankie-boy!”
“Who?”
“Your son.”
“Joe?”
“No, your other son.”
“Other son?”
“You know, who lives in Florida.”
“Oh… you. What do you want?”
“I wanted to know whether there is more potato in a bucket of large potatoes or a bucket of small potatoes.”
“Now I remember you; you’re kind of an idiot. It’s the bucket of small potatoes. Being smaller, they fit in more compactly.”
“Great. So, do you think I could come home for Christmas this year?”
“Sorry, no room for you this year. Maybe next year.”
“Aww. Well, anyway, I just wanted to say… you still there?”
So there’s the answer: it’s the bucket of small potatoes.
Shawn from Roselle, IL writes:
When I read about the recent outbreak of monkey pox in the Midwest, I instantly suspected you were involved. My question is, is this some sort of genetically engineered virus that you created to destroy monkeys that somehow got out of control and is now infecting humans? Or is it a genetically engineered virus that the monkeys created to destroy you, and they just don’t care how many of the rest of us they take down too?
I am not specifically involved with the monkey pox outbreak. For one thing, I never resort to chemical or biological weapons; I just like plain ‘ole shoot’n when I want something dead.
My theory is that it was created by the monkeys – like many other viruses such as Ebola – to wipe out humanity and thus bring on the “Planet of the Apes” scenario. They decided to first test it on prairie dogs, though, before using it for a full attack.
Do I recommend that we hunt down and kill all monkeys as a result? Yes I do. Of course, I’ve been recommending that action for some time now.
Bill Cimino from Virginia Beach, VA asks:
Do you hate it when people say “frankly”?
Frankly, Cimino, I don’t give a damn.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Poosh from Nanjing, China writes:
Why does it cost so much money to fight wars these days? The recent Iraq war cost billions and we were not up against much of a foe. I mean I heard a tank costs like a million dollars and I can’t afford that.
I know what you mean. I keep getting really angry at some countries, but, when I estimate the cost of doing war with them myself, it’s way out of my price range. That’s why it’s usually a function of the federal government to kill bad foreigners. Problem is, a lot of our tax money goes for other things than paying for weaponry. Like they take money out of my check each week for social security even though I don’t want social security since I have a 401k. I even went to the IRS guy and demanded that money back because I don’t like paying taxes that don’t lead to the death of bad people. But the IRS guy said I had to pay it, and then some guys came out with machine guns to emphasize that point. And they were really scary, so I ran away.
Anyway, maybe war is too expensive for an individual, but maybe if a bunch of us Americans get together we can pool our money to buy lots of weaponry and then go country to country killing dictators. It’s our America duty to solve all the world’s problems, and we can’t always wait for the government to do it. We’ll just get a deal with the U.S. government to overlook all our activities; they’ll just deny all knowledge of any involvement with us. We’d be like the A-Team, running around the world with guns helping people, but, unlike the A-Team, we would actually hit whom we’re shooting at.
If anyone is interested in joining, write so in the comments. You don’t have to be an America to be a part of it; as long as you share our love of killing bad people, that’s American enough.
Susie from God writes:
In one of your Frank Answers you said: “but now sign your e-mail with what name you want me to use, and also include where you are from”. Is the latter instruction a philosophical or geographical question? My parents told me I came from God; this e-mail is coming from Indiana.
If you have a philo-mo-spohical answer, fine, but I prefer a geographic location. I don’t want to start getting a bunch of crazy-ass answers from some po-mo’s.
Stephen from Hope, Arkansas asks:
What are your feelings on human evolution? How about evolution in general?
I like the theory of evolution, because it’s the best scientific explanation of how people came about. I admit though, it’s hard to conceive all the random mutations that must have happened to go from an amoeba to Frank J., the most perfect of God’s creatures. I don’t like the idea that God just one day went POOF! and people appeared without any back story, because that just seems sloppy – kinda like something I would do if I were God.
As for human evolution, I don’t think that happens physically anymore because we now live in a world where any idiot can survive and reproduce. Instead, we evolve technologically. Sure, it would be cool one day if humanity evolved the powers to shoot lasers out their eyes, but at least every few years we get new video game system with even higher polygon counts. Frankly, that’s enough evolution for me.
Now, that main problem with the theory of evolution is that it take millions of years to have noticeable effects, thus it is hard to empirically prove it. I say one thing we can try is subjecting monkey after monkey to high doses of radiation to try and mutate them. If one suddenly becomes a person, evolution is proven. If all the monkeys just die, results will be inconclusive, but at least all monkeys will be dead.
I hate monkeys.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Michael E. from Austin, Texas asks:
If we took all the communists, hippies, and liberals and shipped them
off to Antarctica (or other barren wasteland), would they be able to
create the perfect utopia that they’re always yammering about? If so,
would you live there?
I don’t know if it would be a perfect society, but a bunch of frozen liberals sounds like a good start towards one. And, no, I would not live there, but I would hunt there.
Doug Morris from North Carolina asks:
If a tree-hugger falls out of a tree in the forest, and there’s nobody around to hear her scream… is it still funny?
Here you ask the nature of humor: can humor exist without a human observer. I’m sure deer get distracted all the time and run smack into trees, but, most of the time, people aren’t there to watch, and all that does is scare squirrels. But remember that God is always watching, and I believe He has a sense of humor because that’s essential to me not going to hell. So, when the tree hugger falls from the tree, God would chuckle. And then, when she’s lying there dazed and wondering what happened, God would knock the tree down on top of her and then laugh His divine ass off. Nothing better than a good smiting.
My silly sister Sarah, the silliest sister of all, took time out from being a big shot Hollywood costume designer to ask me:
Why does the sun make people sneeze?
Yes, it is true that looking at the sun causes a certain number of people to sneeze, and the explanation is not a simple one. I first went to my local Research-atoritum to ask the scientists there. They were not receptive.
“Bah! Tis a silly question no one would care to know the answer to,” shouted one scientists as he studied the flow of ketchup from a bottle. All the other scientists were similarly dismissive, almost suspiciously so. Finally, dejected, I left the Research-atorium, but before I reached my car, I heard a whisper from the shadows.
“Do not follow this line of questioning. It will lead you to your doom.”
“Who are you?” I demanded.
He stayed hidden in the darkness. “It matters not. Just know that many brave men have tried to solve this puzzle you ask, and none have been heard from again.”
“But I need to find the answer!” I pleaded, “My little sister asked the question, and, if I can’t solve it, she’ll make fun of me and call me ‘Stinki’.”
“It’s a better fate than what awaits you,” warned the mysterious man, “but if you really wish to pursue this, your journey will take you to the Himalayas.”
“Then that is where I go,” I vowed.
I was not able to find any guide willing to take me on this journey, so I trudged through the snow myself, climbing the rocky precipice. It seemed all unfamiliar, yet somehow I knew where to go. Eventually, harsh winds forced me to find shelter in a cave. Inside, I saw an old man.
“You seek answers,” he said, staring through me into my very soul.
“I wish to know why some people sneeze when they look at the sun,” I declared.
“Ah, a good question,” the man said with a mysterious smile, “but first I must know if you are worthy of the answer.”
Suddenly a knight in armor attacked me with a sword. “You must defeat the demon knight in a battle of swordplay!” the old man announced, “Then the answer will be yours.”
“I’m really subpar at sword fighting,” I admitted as I drew my katana.
“Just stick and move,” the old man assured me.
The demon knight bared down upon me, and I barely dodged his sword which cleaved rock from the cave walls as if it were cutting through a carrot. I caught him off guard though, and swung in, my sword clanging uselessly against the armor.
“Oh, funk this!” I exclaimed, dropped my katana and drawing my .45. One shot fell the demon knight.
“You are the chosen one!” the old man exclaimed.
“But I didn’t sword fight him.”
“But the prophecies said the chosen one would do battle with a weapon of fire.” The old man held a torch so I could see the ancient writing on the wall. It was all written in text I had never seen, except for the last part which said, “Chosen one will use a weapon of fire.” It looked like that had just been added with a magic marker… a purple one.
“I don’t know about this…”
“Look, you even bear the mark of the chosen one.” The old man held up my hand to reveal the mark.
“That’s a smiley face you just stamped on me,” I protested.
“No, you are the chosen one, and it is up to you to end the curse of the sun.”
“What curse?”
“Back before time was time, an ancient demon named Ahchoo saw man and was reviled by him. Thus he forever cursed the sun, causing about 25% of people who look upon it to sneeze.”
“You still haven’t gotten to the part where I care.”
“You are the chosen one, and you can end this curse by destroying orb of Ahchoo that lies deeper within this cave.”
“How long will that take? I have a plane to catch.”
“It is a perilous journey, with each step you take full of danger!”
“Each step full of danger!” I exclaimed.
“Well, there are a couple steps without danger,” he admitted, “but, by far, most steps are full of danger.”
“I’m going to have to say no to this quest then.”
“Why? Are you a pussy?”
“I’m not a pussy!” I shot back, “It’s just I don’t give a rat’s ass. I mean, I don’t sneeze when I look at the sun; just my stupid sister does. Why would I risk my life over that?”
“But it is your destiny!” the old man exclaimed, “You cannot walk away from your destiny!”
“I’m not going to walk away,” I said, “I’m going to try and find a ski lift down. Barring that, I guess I’ll have to use a sled.” I then headed for the exit to the cave.
“Destiny will find you one day!” the old man yelled, “You can try to avoid it, but it will find you!” Finally he just grumbled to himself. “Wanker.”

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Martin from Mississippi asks:
If humans are sooo smart, how did monkeys, dogs, and communists achieve space flight before the first human?
Space travel is one of the greatest of human endeavors, but it is an extremely dangerous pursuit. Early on, we weren’t sure how zero gravity would affect a living creature. Why, it might cause someone’s guts to spew out their ears for all we knew. Human life is precious, so we couldn’t just go haphazardly into space without first knowing what would happen. Thus we waited to see space’s effects on monkeys, dogs, and communists (with special interest on the monkey, since it was closest to human) before sending the first human, Alan Shepard, into space.
Jason Hannemann from Austin, Texas asks:
Can cockroaches be considered better than “Palestinians” because they are actually willing to live with Jews?
And then asks:
Will that question be considered too “mean” for you to use?
Sorry, that question is way too mean. My guess is that if cockroaches had the ability to bomb children, they would then hold parades and celebrate afterwards as well. That makes Palestinians who support terrorism at least as good as cockroaches.
Brian Medcalf from Keller, TX writes:
God created the world in six days. On the seventh day, he rested. What did he do on day eight?
Started smite’n. Every play Sim City? After you finally build up an entire city, what’s left to do but then click that little tab to start Godzilla stomping through town? You build, then you destroy. Of course, I’m assuming that God is just like me, which seems a reasonable assumption.

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.