Scott from Heartland, U.S.A. writes:
I need your help with a personal crisis. One of my friends just told me that mustard is a “Commie condiment”. Is this true? I really like mustard, does that make me a closet commie? Help!
PS: I thought commies liked mayo on their fries, not mustard.
But I like mayo on my fries…
Anyway, there is nothing Commie about any condiment. Americans love choice and being able to put whatever the hell they want on their foods. What’s Commie is charging for packets of ketchup or mustard like I hear they do in Europe. We’re rich capitalist, we get too be wasteful with our many packets of condiments, most of which go unused.
Nothing says freedom like a drawer at work full of unused ketchup and hot sauce packets.
From Poosh from either Nanjing, China or Bexhill, England writes:
Even though you have consistently given advice that has had a negative impact on my life I have no one else to turn too, the police simply won’t believe me. I took your advice and bought some anti-ninja spray and sprayed my flowers good. That was fun. I then went into my house and awaited the ninja hoards. Sure enough, just as the sun was setting, they attacked! That’s when the anti-ninja spray took affect! All the flowers in my garden mutated into these crazy looking flower-monsters! The ninjas tried to fight back but for every mutant flower they felled, two grew in its place! And thus the ninjas died. Victory was mine! I jumped for joy and praised America and set a side £10 to donate to you as a thankyou present. But then the mutant-flowers evolved and somehow took over not just my garden but my house! Everywhere is green and I’ve been imprisoned in my room. Sometimes I think Poison Ivy from Batman is going to show up and order me to be her sex slave which would be great but that hasn’t happened yet. What do I do, Frank? What do I do? I think the flowers are plotting to take over the world…
Okay, I’ve used ninja sprays before, and I know they work perfectly fine if you follow the directions. That means to shake the spray vigorously for one minute and then put a light coating on the plants. If you do it properly, that plants would have just enough power to repel the ninjas, but not enough to take over your house and plan world conquest. Obviously, you did something wrong, so you get a chiding.
Chide. Chide. Chide.
Now that I’ve finished chiding you, here is what to do next. You need to get the archnemesis of the plants: vegetarians. Round up a bunch of vegetarians and set them loose on the plants. The plants will either flee in terror or be viciously torn apart by the vegetarians.
Hope that helps.
Tim from Melbourne, FL writes:
Canada has a holiday called Boxing Day. What is so special about (aboot) Boxing Day? Why do they have it?
Wow! I thought I was the only one who lived in Melbourne, Florida and wondered what the hell Boxing Day is. There is no way to be certain, as the ways of the Canadians are tribal and mysterious, but I do have a theory.
Obviously, it can’t be about boxing like in punching each other, because the Canadians are too much a bunch of peaceniks. So my guess is that on boxing day they all get together a bunch of boxes and make cool forts out of them. What fun, eh?
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
mayo on fries…bleh…everyone knows that chili and cheese is the ONLY way to eat them.
I think the confusion about mustard being a commie condiment comes from the fact that it’s yellow like communists and hippies.
When will people learn that it’s not the color but the smell…
As a Canadian I can shed some light on “Boxing Day”. The holiday originates in England. On the day after Christmas rich people would get all their old junk they didn’t want and leftover food and stuff and put it in boxes to give to the poor.
So the name originates from the fact that boxes were used.
Later the Canadian government figured it would be better if the poor got money so they now tax us at about 55% and give that to the poor.
Bastards.
So I’m guessing the Canadian government helped turn many (but not all) citizens into ass (or is it arse?) holes.
Actually it is both. In the Maritimes they turned them into arse-holes. While in Central and Western Canada they turned them into ass-holes.
I wont make a comment on Quebec.
Why do Canadians slather mayo on themselves on Boxing Day? Maybe it’s brain freeze.
Why do Canadians slather mayo on themselves on Boxing Day? Maybe it’s brain freeze.
I engage in fisticuffs on boxing day, but thats just me.
We Americans should start our own Boxing day and feature a freak (i.e. Tyson) doint something insane and stupid and then sell millions of dollars worth of tickets. This would prove two things: 1) That Americans are the best holiday-makers and 2) that capitalism is still superior. And to make sure that Canadia got the message that we are directly competing with them, we should make sure that our Boxing day is on the same day as theirs.
–Just a thought.
“Obviously, it can’t be about boxing like in punching each other, because the Canadians are too much a bunch of peaceniks” – Hey! Give us a little credit up here. Canada would be a lot more sane without that damn little chunk of Europe called Quebec injected into it.
And I always thought that the US had boxing day too (it’s just teh day after Christmas when things are cheap to buy. We dont’ actually do any celebrating, it’s hard to have two consecutive parties).
While mustard may not be commie, putting mayo on fries is definitely a sign of Belgianism. I’d keep a close watch on Frank….. he could be a double agent!
Kevin:
I doubt that he is a double agent…but I’d seriously watch anyone who puts that crap on fries…I usually ignore his whole “All monkeys are bad” spiels, but tolerating mayo on fries reveals some deep seeded traumas that we can’t ignore…maybe he was kidnapped by a belgian monkey as a child…and the monkey rubbed mayo all over him…you never know…
You know, Frank, I hate to say this, but I don’t think I believe you about the whole boxing day thing. I think that if boxing day was something like building forts out of boxes we would have adopted such a cool holiday a long time ago.
Though, I do think we should start observing a Boxing Day like that. It’ll give us all something to do with those left over boxes, and countless miles of ribbon and wrapping paper.
We probably had a Boxing Day, but that was before bums became ‘homeless’ and took all the boxes condo.