Nuke the Moon t-shirts are now in stock (available in Medium, Large, XL, and 2 XL) and will be shipping to those who preordered them.
Of course, this calls for a big promotion and celebration. Details soon. Until then, order your shirt.
UPDATE: If anyone has ideas for promoting selling the shirt, please tell me. And they can’t involve giving away free shirts. More posting on this tomorrow.
Archive of entries posted on 12th June 2003
Links of the Day
Finally, after months and months, Amish Tech Support’s Dead Pool scores its first points. What a morbidly happy day.
Annika points out the inequity of the “Miss Universe” contest. She’s just upset because she didn’t win.
I’ve decided to add Jay Solo and Chipstah! to my blogroll for reasons of my own. I will no longer accept solicitations to be added to my blogroll; don’t call me, I’ll call you. You can still send me a posts of interest, though, to be included on my Links of the Day.
UPDATE: They always come in pairs. The Dead Pool has now scored its second hit in the same day.
Frank Answers: Virgins in Heaven, Cycle of Violence, and More Ninja Trouble
Jack from Missouri asks:
How many virgins could I get for insulting an Israeli or just annoying one?
This seems like a question for my local blind cleric. So I sought out the cleric and asked, “Do you get virgins in heaven for just annoying or insulting Israelis?”
And he replied, “Kill the Jews!”
“That doesn’t really answer my question…”
“Jews!!! Kill!!!”
I knew this wasn’t going anywhere, so I snatched a pebble from his hand and ran away.
Next I decided to consult Allah himself. Susprisingly, he was available for questions. “So, Allah, do you get any virgins in heaven for just calling an Israelis a ‘doody-head’?”
“That is a great question, my son,” Allah replied, “To know the answer you must… kill the Jews!!!”
“What?”
“Kill!!! Jews!!!”
“Hey! You’re not Allah! You’re Satan!”
“Yeah, you got me,” Satan admitted.
“I can’t believe you; trying to trick people into killing Jews!”
“Yeah, but you were too smart for it,” Satan said, “Why, I bet you are so smart, you could kill way more Jews than those silly Muslims.”
“Well, yes, I am quite smart… Hey! Now you’re trying to appeal to my vanity to get me to kill the Jews! You get out of here you mean bad Satan man!”
So, in conclusion, I’d say if you want virgins, I wouldn’t mess around with those Israelis. They have uzis.
George S. from Austin, TX asks:
What’s this Middle East Cycle of Violence I keep hearing about? Is it Lance Armstrong’s new bike that he’ll be riding in the Tour de France?
Ever since I was a little kid, I always wanted a cycle of violence. One that could launch missiles at the other kids and had bladed spokes to take out the wheels of other cycles.
The Middle East Cycle of Violence is that dream come true: a ten speed bicycle loaded with weaponry (and reflectors to keep you safe when riding in the dark). It’s the first truly original product to come out of the Middle East, and will hopefully finally give them an economy not reliant solely on oil and hating the Jews.
Poosh from Nanjing, China writes:
I took your advice and unleashed Kung Fu on the ninja as you instructed. It was tough at first because life is tough, but, in the space of two hours, I beat his ass into ground. He fled. I thought that was the end of it and contemplated donating some money to you for giving such great advice and helping me face my ninja, BUT, when I looked out the window the next day, there was a squad of ninjas in the garden, messing up the flowers and throwing ninja stars at my window. Apparently if you beat up a ninja he gets his older brothers and cousins onto you… YOU HAVE MADE THINGS WORSE!
First off, IMAO and all it’s subsidiaries (of which there are none) are not responsible for the consequences of following the advice given on this site.
That said, here is some more advice. Yes, defeating one ninja may not be enough to stop the problem, but if you go out and defeat all of them, then they will finally leave you alone. Don’t be too worried; the ninjas’ usual tactics are to circle around you and then attack you only one or two at a time.
Also, to keep ninjas out of your flowers, there are some sprays you can use. You can’t always get them at the supermarket, but ACE Hardware or Home Depot should have some.
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
A Frank Solution for Peace in the Middle East
While taking a shower this morning, I had an epiphany on how the Israelis can have peace with the Palestinians:
Bomb. Rinse. Repeat.
Actually, they might even be able to skip the “rinse” part. As I started to drink my morning cup of coffee though, I realized how futile this search for peace is. It’s completely unrealistic of Israel to have peace when they tried to set up a country surrounded by angry Muslims who want them dead. It’s just never going to work out, so they need to leave.
So where do we make all the Muslims leave to? Since it was my idea, I say America gets first dibs on all the smarts ones who will become doctors and scientists and stuff. As for the really dumb ones, who only know three words of English – “kill”, “the”, and “Jews” – maybe they could go to Australia since there is plenty of open land there. Hopefully they don’t teach the kangaroos to be suicide bombers, though, since their pouches are perfect for it.
The rest can be spread out all over. China could certainly use more Muslims, and there is plenty of room in Russia. And how many Muslims are in Mexico or Columbia? They could use more. We can send some to Antarctica to bother the scientists there (stupid scientists). France could get plenty – hell, they can take that place over. Maybe they’ll assimilate, though, and we’ll soon be yelling, “I hate those cheese-eating surrender Muslims. I curse their mustaches.”
Now the Jews will have the whole Middle East to themselves, and can form a giant Jew-topia. They can sell us the oil there at a discount since we have always been so supportive of Israel, but they get to gouge Europe all they want. Ha, those jackasses will probably have to ride around on bicycles now like caveman.
So what to do about Mecca? Muslims should be allowed to visit as long as they sign a “No Jew Killing” agreement upon entering. But everyone else should be allowed to go too. I know some families from Minnesota who have been dying to tour Mecca. We need to be respectful of Mecca, though. No roller coasters, but maybe a 50’s theme restaurant or two. As for that covered thing they have there, I say leave it covered because it’s mysteriousness adds to the draw. Oh, and I get free season passes to Mecca for coming up with the idea.
I know no one could think my idea was bad, so please comment on how much of a genius I am.