Links of the Day

John Hawkins has the list of the 15 greatest movies voted on by bloggers and… GAH! Oh, yeah, the site change. It’s been that way since Monday, but it still catches me off guard. Anyway, Star Wars got the top spot. Star Wars! The blogosphere must be full of dorks. That’s right, I’m talking to you, dork! And look at the list of movies John Hawkins hasn’t seen. How can anyone comment on movies if that haven’t at least seen The Godfather? I don’t want to see another post from John until he’s gone out and seen that movie.
Can’t get enough crazy Commies defending North Korea? Then there is another addition of MYONGWATCH! at Exultate Justi. Again, make sure to check out the omitted quotes Jared has.
jfielek is having the problem a lot of bloggers have in figuring out how to distinguish themselves from the pack.
And now we have the first instance of Frank J. fan fiction!
Oh, and if anyone hasn’t seen this The Onion article yet, it’s hilarious.
I’ll have to take Michele’s word on this…
BTW, I have a number of picture waiting for the next Peace Gallery update, which I will be doing either tomorrow or later this weekend. If anyone is sitting on a picture, it’s a good time to send it in.

Frank Answers: Britney Spears vs. a Black Howler Monkey, Magnetic North, Coca-Cola vs. Pepsi, and Lady Hunt’n

annika from Los Angeles writes:
I recently had the misfortune of sitting through most of the Britney Spears movie Crossroads, and about halfway through it i began to feel an intense and disturbing urge to vacate my bowels involuntarily. The last time i felt such an overwhelming urge was at the Black Howler Monkey exhibit of the San Francisco Zoo. Naturally i’m wondering if there’s any connection, and if so, which is more dangerous to our freedom as God Loving Americans: the continued existence of Britney Spears or the continued existence of the Black Howler Monkey?
All I know about Britney Spears is that she seems to be the head of the trend for eleven-year-old girls to dress up like hos. For that, I think the parents are the ones in need of a smacking. I would be much more fearful of the sinister black howler monkey. His evil howl can be heard for miles, and will serve as an alarm to the other monkeys when we finally begin out strike against them.
If you still have bowel problems, consult a doctor.
Analog Kid from the Land of a Million Hippies writes:
I have a 2-part question.
1. Why is true different from magnetic north?
2. Is this a commie plot, a ninja plot or a plot from the monkeys?

1. Magnetic north is different from true north because it involves magnets.
2. My gut tells me it’s a Commie plot. They tried to try to control the weather, so why not also fool around with magnetic north. I bet they keep moving the magnets just to confuse us. We need to post some guard at the North Pole to guard those magnets and shoot any Commies who might try and move them. They can also answer kids’ letters to Santa Claus.
Tim E. from Xenia, Ohio asks:
Coca-Cola or Pepsi?
(real non-commie America-loving, gun-totin’ half-Irishmen say Coca-Cola)

I agree; Coca-Cola all the way for this real non-commie, America-loving, gun-totin’ half-Irishman. Pepsi is too sweet for me; I prefer the dryer taste of Coca-Cola. I usually go for bitter over sweet. That’s why I drink my coffee black and why I likes me Guinness.
John from Flagstaff, AZ asks:
Hey, Frank, How’s the hunt for the right lady goin’?
So far no luck. I guess I’ll just have to get used to the fact that I’ll die sad and lonely… or in a hail of gunfire.
Mmm… hail of gunfire.


Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.

Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Poll (You Vote Now!)

This is it, the final group…
Group F!
Meet the Bloggers
The name of my site is: Blather Review.
My preferred name as a blogger is: Tuning Spork
I’ve been blogging since February 2003.
A brief description of my site: Some politics, some law , some recipes, some laughs, some mp3s of my crappy songs… whatever, no big whoop!
Briefly praise FrankJ and IMAO…hmmm….FrankJ is a satirist’s satirist! The characters ring so true it’s scary, I tells ya, scary!!
My favorite movie is….hmmm…I’ll have to say….JAWS.
The Simpsons character I most identify with: Frank Grimes.
What is the name of your site? Jennifer’s History and Stuff.
What is your preferred name as a blogger? Jennifer, but since that is so common, JenLars works. J. La! (ick)
How long have you been blogging? Since July 1, 2003.
Give a brief description of your site. I share little historical tidbits and assorted miscellany. Basically, I just try to make history a little more interesting and impart my enthusiasm for learning.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post. Frank J. is quite obviously an intelligent, handsome young man. Any single lady would be lucky to wait at home (with a dog) for Frank at the end of the day. He’s available, ladies! IMAO is always an enjoyable read. My favorite post used to be the Brief History of Canada, but now it is anything with Chomps the U.N. Peacekeeper.
What’s your favorite movie? Tough one, it’s very hard to name just one movie. Today I’ll pick “The Right Stuff.”
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? I prefer to identify with a South Park character, since all the good Simpsons characters have been chosen. I relate to Cartman’s mom, who is a crack whore. I am not a crack whore, but I am a link whore.
What is the name of your site? One Little Victory
What is your preferred name as a blogger? Analog Mouse, or just Mouse or am will do.
How long have you been blogging? Since May 9, 2003
Give a brief description of your site. Ranting and raving on my blog so my friends and family don’t have to listen to me bitch.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post. Frank J. is so great that a permalink on Instapundit would be an insult. My favorite is In My World: Reading to Underprivileged Kids.
What’s your favorite movie? The Quiet Man.
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Marge, definitely. But not normal, everyday marge. More like Marge when she stopped her car in the middle of traffic, or Marge when she was a gambling addict.
1) Site name: Bad Money
2) Preferred Name: Harvey
3) Blogging since: June 21, 2003 (counting the 8 miserable days on Blogspot)
4) Brief site description: Well-captioned graffiti currency and amusingly-phrased commentary.
5a) Praise for Frank J & IMAO: As a rule, written humor will NOT make me laugh out loud. 3 major exceptions: P.J. O’Rourke, James Lileks, and Frank J. – Hmmm. I wonder if the letter J has anything to do with it?
5b) Favorite post: “In My World: The Hunt for the Rumsfeld Strangler“. I TRIED not to laugh out loud at this one, I really did. I succeeded only in rupturing my spleen and coating my keyboard with a fine mist of nose-filtered coffee.
6) Favorite movie: “The Princess Bride“. Besides having the best-choreographed sword fight in cinematic history, it is quotable to nth degree. I, myself, have successfully used the line “I do not think that word means what you think it means” on a number of occasions. [Ed. Gah! I forgot to put that one on my list of favorite movies I gave to John Hawkins.]
7) Simpsons character I most identify with: Monty Burns. Despite being black-heartedly evil, he’s a shrewd and savvy business man who knows how to turn a profit. Not to mention that Li’l Lisa’s Patented Animal Slurry is one damn fine product.
-What is the name of your site?
Kaedrin
-What is your preferred name as a blogger?
Mark
-How long have you been blogging?
Just over 3 years. Yes, years.
-Give a brief description of your site.
The blog covers political issues lately, but also focuses on culture, movies, and technology. My site also has book & movie reviews and a host of other schtuff.
-Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
IMAO is genuinely and consistently funny, and it has been for quite some time now (even getting better as it goes), which is quite rare these days. Something you’ll notice in the answer to this question and the next two are that I have great difficulty choosing a favorite anything, so bear with me. My favorite posts are the In My World posts, because they are funny (natch) and because whenever you write Bush, I picture Will Ferrell delivering the lines. Funniest line Frank has written lately: “If a North Korean bites you, you become one.” Classic.
-What’s your favorite movie?
2001: A Space Odyssey or The Godfather or Seven Samurai or Das Boot… I could go on all day with these…
-Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?
Herman, the military antiques guy. Pet Peeve: Pacifists.
Right of Center did not get a response in on time.
Here are the answers to the question in random order (revealing who wrote which is means for disqualification):
QUESTION: You are on your way somewhere, but a group of hippies incoherently protesting something blocks your way. In 200 words ot less, what is the best way to handle this situation?
ANSWER 1: When the hippies are basking in their smelly glory about how many protesters are there, tell them that the only reason no one is there supporting the other side is that they are all busy WORKING FOR A LIVING! Then ask the hippies if they have jobs. They will look at their shoes and quietly walk away. (I’ve seen this done. It really works!)
ANSWER 2: The obvious answer would be to simply savage them with my gas-guzzling SUV, but I should probably be more creative. I would sneak around the crowd, obtain their email addresses then send Frank J. a harassing email lecturing him on grammar. Then I would pull up a chair and watch the ensuing chaos (chances are, watching hippies die slow, horrible, painful deaths at the hands of a samurai sword wielding engineer would be more entertaining than anything I was going to attend anyway)
ANSWER 3: I actually encountered this situation once. All I wanted to do was cross the street, but the road was jammed with retarded lefties blathering gibberish like, “Free Mumia For Oil”, “No Blood For Peace”, and “Bush Lied, Babies Died, I’ll Have Tofu On The Side”, or something like that.
I suppressed my rage until I saw the “Bush = Puppy Blender” sign, then something inside me snapped. “That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!” I cried, reaching over to a nearby organic foods vending cart, grabbing a handful of spinach, and shoving it down my throat.
Somewhere nearby, a Phish-smelling band inexplicably started playing a modified hornpipe, as animated battleship tattoos magically appeared on my biceps and started firing live shells into the fetid assembly. I waded through the crowd, my bulgy forearms windmilling madly as the Phish-smellers segued into a quick-tempo Yankee Doodle.
Filthy hippies flew in all directions, landing in comical pretzel-piles, with their stupid-slogan signs jammed in previously functional orifices.
Covered in patchouli-befouled blood, I reached the other side and burst into song:
“I’m strong to the finish
(here’s a buck for your spinach)
Don’t F*** with the sailor man!”
TOOT! TOOT!
ANSWER 4: One word: soap. Soap is a well-known hippie repellant. If you carry a bar of soap with you at all times, you can wave it at any hippies you come across and they will part like the Red Sea.
ANSWER 5: I’d cover myself from head to toe in a soapy lather; the hippies would part like the Red Sea as I strolled merrily on through.
Great answers, but only one shall win and go on to the final round next week.
PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!
POLL CLOSED (results here)
Poll closes in 24 hours. Then all the finalists will be known, and what will be left is the thrilling conclusion next week.

A Frank Study on What Makes a Political Liberal

You’ve probably heard about the Berkeley study done with your tax dollars on what makes a political conservative. Here are the factors they identified:
* Fear and aggression
* Dogmatism and intolerance of ambiguity
* Uncertainty avoidance
* Need for cognitive closure
* Terror management
Funny enough, I had been doing my own study about what makes a political liberal. I think mine was much more efficient, because I traced it to a single factor:
* They’re f’ing morons
As evidence of this finding, just listen to any liberal. Ever read anything from Noam Chomsky? What a dumbass. Ever seen an article in The Nation? You can almost imagine the drool stains on the original copy of whomever wrote it. Heard Michael Moore speak? Than man is fat and ugly! While that doesn’t prove or disprove my theory, he’s also a nitwit, which goes with my findings.
And ever see a bunch of liberals get together for a protest? It’s like a whole gaggle of retards! You almost expect, that with that much stupidity in one area, it will collapse upon itself and from a logic black hole, sucking in all sense that gets near it.
And then there is liberal Hollywood where people are about as dumb as you can be without forgetting to breathe. It’s like that to get into Hollywood you need to take an intelligence test, and they’ll only let you in if it comes up negative.
Then there are liberal congressmen and women. I’ve seen them argue on C-SPAN, and they’re so moronic I want to hit them with rocks (there’s that aggression).
Well, I think my study was pretty thorough on what makes a liberal, but what I really want to find is how to cure it. Liberals seems to protect their idiocy by forming some sort of force field of pure stupidity, a force field so strong that logic can’t penetrate it. What can penetrate it, though, is a large stick. Such an item is known to the scientific community as a “whomp’n stick”.
What I want to find out is if by whomp’n a liberal whenever he says something stupid, can I train him away from liberalism through pure pain avoidance. My theory is that it will cause conservatism as defined by the Berkeley study:
* Fear and aggression – Fear of a whomp’n
* Dogmatism and intolerance of ambiguity – “Are you going to whomp me or not?”
* Uncertainty avoidance – “I’ll stay quiet so I don’t get whomped.”
* Need for cognitive closure – “Someone patch up this head wound.”
* Terror management – “I’ll crouch in the corner and be quiet so the scary man doesn’t whomp me.”
So there is the study: will a group of liberal who gets whomped have more converts to conservatism than a control group with no whomp’n.
Ahh… screw the control group; I’m going to whomp ’em both.
Now all I need is millions in a government grant and a stick fit for whomp’n.
Oh, and I’ll need liberal volunteers. The Berkeley scientists from the previous study are sure free to help out in this one.
WHOMP! WHOMP!

Links of the Day

Quick! Everyone link to me. I fell back to being a monkey on the blogging ecosystem, and I don’t want to be a monkey. Liked my In My World™ today? Thought it was funny when I went crazy angry at lunchtime? Then link to me, quick!
LittleA missed the deadline for the Group E poll, but here is the aardvark’s answers anyway.
The Carnival of the Vanities is up, and full of bloggery!
Michael Williams has gone into my head and put up an image of my worst nightmare.
It seems Tiger stills thinks he might get a link based on merit. That’s crazy; no one gives out permalinks because of merit anymore. It’s all based on wacky contests now.
Courtney wants to change our libraries. Some reason that idea scares me even though I haven’t been to one in years.
Also, I have chosen Mike the Marine’s ending to Monday’s In My World™ since he nagged me the most about picking the winner. Go read that In My World™ now in it’s its entirity.


I don’t always have a lot of time each day to peruse the blogosphere, so don’t be afraid to send me a link to one of your posts if you think it’s especially worthy. Just don’t bug me too often (try to keep e-mails to once a week) or get too upset if I don’t use it.

Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Round 5 Over

I tried to close this latest poll as close to 24 hours on the dot as I could because the vote was extremely close (2 votes separate first place from last place).
The questions was: Everyone knows my solution to random ninja attacks. In 200 words or less, describe your own solution. Remember, while people hate getting randomly attacked by ninjas, they also hate high taxes, so try and keep your solutions cheap.
And the winning answer is: Answer 1, written by Jarred Nicholls of [Think About It]. It got 62 votes (34%).

Ninjas? Are you serious? Unless these “ninjas” are wearing Batman like thick-as-shit rubber tighties that reflect bullets, then whip out your Desert Eagle, put one in each of their nuts (most ninjas don’t wear anti-bullet-in-nut shields), put one in each of their knee caps, walk behind them, recite the Boondock Saints prayer, and put one in the back of their head. No more ninja.

Answer 2 was written by Pixy Misa of Ambient Irony. It got 60 votes (33%).

Hit them with a Dragon Slave spell. This is sort of like a Neutron Bomb, only backwards: it leaves people alive – more or less – in a crater several miles wide. While the Ninjas are boggling at the extent of the destruction (Ninjas often kill people, but rarely destroy entire cities), you can sneak up behind them, slip headphones over their ears and play Alanis Morisette at them until they melt into a puddle of gloop. This really works. (Celine Dion also works, but then you’d run the risk of hearing it and melting into a puddle of gloop yourself.)

Answer 3 was written by Beth of Beth’s Contradictory Brain. It got 61 votes (33%).

Easy, breed Chomps, the world’s angriest hunting dog, train his offspring what Ninja’s are and how they smell, and then say “SicEm.” Once the Ninja are taken care of (a week tops), the pups can then be trained to take out any other group, say the French, or the monkeys, causing problems.

Even though I’ve made it clear that ninjas dodge bullets, I, like a lot of people, voted for Answer 1 since it referenced the cool movie Boondock Saints. Yay, I finally voted for a winner (and my vote actually put it over the top).
Congratulations to Jarred Nicholls of [Think About It]. He will join the voodoo lounge, Modularparrot.com, Serenity’s Journal, Adventures in Trouble Shooting, and one more blog to be voted for tomorrow in the final round.
So, last group tomorrow, and then next week we will have the thrilling conclusion of the Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One™.

A Note on Blogging and Grammar

I was going to write some Frank Answers™ today, but I’m going to have to put that off to discuss a different topic now.
Everyone knows what a pet peeve is, right? It’s just something that makes you irrationally angry for reasons you can’t quite describe. Well, since starting blogging, I’ve encountered a brand new pet peeve that by far out matches any previous one.
Here’s a little secret about my site: all anger is acted. Wit takes a clear mind, and I am not funny when angry. What’s great is that I am very hard to get angry. That’s why I was able to respond with wit to hate mail; the people writing were completely unable to get a rise out of me. When writing my popular hate mail to Michael Moore, I was laughing and smiling the whole time. If you want to see the only actual instance of me being legitimately angry on this site, read my immediate response to the comment by Minstrel in this post. That’s completely out of character for me (I almost never use swear words, and only use them in posts when I think it adds to the humor value), and I felt bad right after writing it. But, I was so angry, that I didn’t stop to think that Minstrel is a reader of my site and probably a fan and meant the comment with no animosity, instead, I was so enraged, I just wanted to rip right into her. If she were standing next to me, I probably would have grabbed her by the neck and shook her.
So, let’s be clear on something. I am not a high school drop out. I am not retarded. I do not sniff glue. In fact, I was the first person in my junior high to get a hundred on all my tests in English. I graduated high school as a Valedictorian. I got a 1570 on my SAT’s. I graduated from a very prestigious engineering college with more than an 3.8. In short, I KNOW FUCKING “THEY’RE” FROM “THERE” FROM “THEIR”, “ITS” FROM “IT’S”, “TO” FROM “TOO”, “YOUR” FOR “YOU’RE”, AND ALL THE OTHER GODDAMN HOMOPHONES!
Maybe some people had never written before except to comment on my grammar, so I will explain this very carefully. You see, before you write something, it first appears in one’s mind as the spoken word. Instead of very carefully typing each word out and pausing to make sure it’s spelled correctly and make grammatical sense, the subconscious quickly takes over and takes the spoken thought in one’s mind and transfers it to written language using a number of heuristics it has picked up throughout the years. It is extremely flawed. It will often write the wrong homophone (and forget the question mark for a question… but that’s neither here nor there). That’s why there is a thing called proofreading. The problem with blogging is that I want to get a post out quickly, and thus I am forced to proofread right after writing. That usually doesn’t work too well since what was meant (not typed) is still fresh in mind. I will catch a number of grammatical errors in that proofread, but I will not catch them all. Sometimes, I will come back an hour or so later after posting and reread a long post to catch more errors, but I don’t always have the time.
That’s why I actually like it when people e-mail me corrections (I don’t like them in the comments because it makes no sense after the correction is made). Pointing out mistakes in my post is doing me a favor. But here is how you phrase a correction.

In this sentence (excerpt of sentence) you accidentally wrote “you’re” when you meant “your”.

See, in that correction, the person shows that he knows that I understand proper grammar and simply made an inevitable error.
What you do not do ever… EVER… is lecture me on grammar like I’m some fucking four year old. It does not matter how politely you try to do it; I will hate you forever. And I mean ever more than a hippy or a Communist, because it will be a deep, personal hatred.
Understand?
I will put a permalink to this on my sidebar for future reference to new readers.
P.S. There will inevitably be grammar mistakes in this post. That is not ironic, that is apropos, especially since I was a bit angry when writing it.

In My World: The Saudis Are Great People… For Me to Strangle!

“I’m strangling you because you’re a Saudi!” Rumsfeld shouted, strangling the Saudi prince.
“Let’s not be so quick to strangle each other,” Colin Powell urged.
“Rarr!”


“So which is closer to Bush’s position,” asked a reporter, “Rumsfeld’s ‘Strangle the Saudis’ stance, or Powell’s ‘Please don’t beat me with that Saudi’ stance?”
“Bush likes to hold the middle ground,” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan answered.
“What about this new report out,” said another reporter, “Some people find it alarming.”
“What’s so alarming?” Scott asked.
“Well, it starts with, ‘U.S. intelligence has determined’ and then there are 27 pages blanked out followed by the word ‘the’ and then 14 pages missing until the phrase ‘brain-eating zombies’ then 32 pages missing until the phrase ‘nuclear deaths for everyone’ then 8 pages missing followed by ‘the Saudis are planning to stab us in the back and’ then 83 pages missing until the report ends with the word ‘happy’.”
Scott chuckled nervously as he adjusted his collar. “How can anything be ‘alarming’ if it ends with the word ‘happy’?”
“According to our poll,” said Melinda Hawkish of Fox News, “68% of American people are for military action against the Saudis, and 32% against. When are we going to use military action against those 32% who are terrorist sympathizers?”
“Hey,” Scott cautioned, “the Saudis are not necessarily terrorists, and, in the least, are much better at pretending to be our allies than the French.”
“Then why is Rumsfeld strangling them?”
“Well, Rumsfeld comes from a different time when it was normal that if you saw a fat man with a devil beard wearing sheets, you strangled him.” Scott started laughing. “Why, he was even joking with me earlier about how he was going to kill all of you.”
Suddenly a Buick crashed through the wall. Out jumped Rumsfeld. “Rarr!”


“I can’t be giving these press conference if Rumsfeld is trying to strangle everyone,” Scott complained.
“If they’re that important to you,” Bush said, “Then tell Rumsfeld to stop strangling people.”
Scott looked to Rumsfeld. He sat in a chair calmly petting Chomps who was drinking water from his U.N. helmet.
“Uh, Rumsfeld,” Scott said, “Could you please cut back the strangling just a little bit?”
Rumsfeld considered this for a little bit. He the shouted, “Rarr!”
Scott cowered, covering his face defensively, but Rumsfeld and Chomps ran out of the room. Scott then looked out into the hallway. “Hey! They’re trashing my office!”
“That’s Rumsfeld’s way of saying ‘No,'” Bush explained, “Anyway, I found this old Atari. Want to play Combat!?”
“Combat?”
“It’s a game where you shoot each other with tanks and planes, retard,” Bush said, turning on the Atari.
“Shouldn’t you be involved in policy talks or something?” Scott asked.
“No, my staff says things go much smoother if I’m not there,” Bush said, and then started the tank game. “Ha! I’m whupping your ass!” Bush laughed as he shot Scott’s tank.
“I’m getting used to the controls,” Scott said defensively.
“It’s just a button and a joystick, dumbass.”
“I would like to talk more about policy,” said a Saudi prince appearing at the doorway. He was then knocked down as a desk crashed into him.”
“Your desk killed a Saudi,” Bush told Scott, “You’re going to be in trouble for that.”
“Hey, I got you!” Scott exclaimed, having shot Bush’s tank.
“No fair; I wasn’t paying attention,” Bush yelled angrily, “Secret Service, take Scott away and beat him!”
“Hey!” Scott exclaimed as the Secret Service grabbed him and dragged him away.
The Saudi crawled out from under the desk. “You’re not dead,” Bush said, “Want to play Atari?”
“Sure,” the Saudi said, taking the other controller.
He started hitting Bush’s tank repeatedly. “Ha! Allah be praised! I destroy you’re imperialist tank!”
“What!” Bush yelled, “I can’t move.” He then looked at the console. “You unplugged my controller, you backstabbing Saudi! This means war!”

Links of the Day

Ego-Daily fisks the White House Press Corp’s crazy old aunt in the attic.
Emperor Misha I fisks Saddam.
The puppy blender talks about a pretty reactionary response to what actually seems like a very creative idea.
Frank and Fritz of On the Fritz are both running for governor of California in the recall election. I don’t know whom I’d vote for as I’ve already forgotten which one is the evil twin.


I don’t always have a lot of time each day to peruse the blogosphere, so don’t be afraid to send me a link to one of your posts if you think it’s especially worthy. Just don’t bug me too often (try to keep e-mails to once a week) or get too upset if I don’t use it.

Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Poll (You Vote Now!) and Questions for Group F (You Answer Now!)

The tension is so thick, you can cut it with a knife. That means it is time for a new batch of bloggers to compete!
Group E!
Meet the Bloggers
* What is the name of your site?
Ambient Irony
* What is your preferred name as a blogger?
Pixy Misa
* How long have you been blogging?
Three months and counting.
* Give a brief description of your site.
This is my blog. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
* Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
Frank is funny. (Err, was that brief enough?)
I always loved the In My World press conferences, particularly when Condi was demonstrating a new toy. The one about the Robot Sipders is
may favourite.
* What’s your favorite movie?
Millennium Actress (Sennen joyu)
* Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?
Leela. No, wait! Uhhhh… Simpsons? Identify? With? How about Stephen Jay Gould? He was on the Simpsons, right?
*What is the name of your site? [Think About It]
*What is your preferred name as a blogger? Jarred Nicholls (badass name, yes? My mother gave it to me)
*How long have you been blogging? June 2003. Fairly new, but have always had opinions that need sharing. Opinions are like @$$holes, everyone’s got ’em. The difference here is, mine are the only ones that matter.
*Give a brief description of your site. [Think About It] is a Conservative news, views, and humor site with a taste of wit and in-your-face journalism with the goal to make people think (easier said than done).
*Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post. Frank J. is a good guy with a lot of humor. He’s a brother of anti-liberalism, and for that I respect him. As for a favorite post, I happen to enjoy them all, so I don’t have a favorite post. [Ed. Cop-out.]
*What’s your favorite movie? The Army of Darkness (Evil Dead III)…funniest damn movie ever.
*Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Probably Barney. Not because of me, but most of my external family are fat slobby drunks and burp alot.
*What is the name of your site? Beth’s Contradictory Brain
*What is your preferred name as a blogger? God
*How long have you been blogging? I started on Diaryland (don’t laugh) in April 2002, then moved to http://bethmauldin.com/ in November of 2002.
*Give a brief description of your site. All the contradictory thoughts in my brain on your screen – isn’t the internet wonderful?
*Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post. Frank J. is wise and sarcastic beyond his years. There is no other blogger equal to Frank J. If IMAO were read by everyone on the planet – we just might achieve utopia.
My favorite entry: A Question of No Importance

Apropos to nut’n, were the can and the can opener invented simultaneously? I figure someone didn’t invent the can opener first and then said, “Hey, we’ve got this great opener, now let’s invent something it can open.” If that didn’t happen, and they were not both made at the same time, that means that, after the first man successful sealed food inside a can, he stood a long while just staring at it wondering, “Now how the hell do I get it out of there? Now this seems like such a dumb idea, because I’m hungry.” I know that if someone had taken my food, sealed it inside a can, and didn’t have a way of getting it out, I’d be pretty pissed.

What’s your favorite movie? Fight Club
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with? Mr. Burns, I want to be rich and powerful. Oh wait, as long as I don’t have to be old and ugly like he is.
* Site Name: Shining full plate and a good broadsword
* Preferred blogger name: Banagor
*How long have I been blogging: Since day 1. Nobody is, however, exactly sure when day 1 originated. Some carbon dating has returned the results of several years, but also going back nearly a decade in other various forms. Evolution is a wonderful thing and it sometimes can confuse the onlooker, especially when the purpose is to study the transformation and pin down the exact point at which one thing becomes another. There is no point to asking this question as the subject has been online longer than most people even know what the heck a modem is. There is also no point to this answer, as the writer has already shown his flippancy towards anything non-coffee related in the morning.
*Brief description of my site: Pain erupted throughout the thoughtless orc’s visage as the mailed fist and steel shield smashed into the twisted mass of flesh and bone. The grunting and pig-like squealing from the denizens of evil all around the shining paladin now had a tinge of fear about it and their grubby little green and filthy fingers trembled just as they were reaching up towards him to pull him down into the darkness. There was silence.
And then the face slid off of the shining bright shield in a slow and slithering slump. Dead. It had been crushed and was the first to be destroyed in the mad throes of the fires of Hell itself. There was silence and naught was heard for that moment in battle which can last an eternity – that moment when your opponent sees death in his eyes.
And then begins the singing, and the broadsword shines forth in the darkness, arcing it’s way through the air to accompany the song as the hordes of evil begin to flee. They trample each other in terror as the paladin does his best work, slicing and lobbing off heads, limbs, and all with his sword, their blood spilling over into the air like rainbows of light as they are hacked down by the thousands in this version of gritty work for the noble and higher cause. They know that they cannot stand before him so they jump, screaming their horrible pig squeals of pain and fear as they fall within the darkened crevasse – an abyss of their own ignorant making. They leap like lemmings, a single living bridge of contorted and twisted bodies suspended eternally in mid-air, grappling with each other in their doom, forever cursed to claw at only their own wretched bodies as he stands there, on the edge of it all, and continues to chase them with his tools of war and righteousness, ensuring that the final leap of their evil forever remains their last, stupid, painful moment: to have meddled with the forces of good and paid the highest price of all. Eternal damnation from that which is good.
I could, naturally, give you a long version of what my site is about.
*Praising Frank, IMAO, and favorite post: Frank is that dark mysterious black knight which fights on the side of goodness and truth and the paladin way. He humbles all, and teaches wisely about the evils of the world and how to guard against them. His goodness doth reach the very walls of the camp of paladins camped outside the very gates of Hell in that eternal battle, giving them hope and reaching out with the justice of arms. For, is it not said that no man who is wrong may win against one who is good, just, and true in a contest of arms on the field of valor? Yes, verily it is sooth and so, and Frank reminds us all of that. It is a given that my favorite post is the “Nuke the Moon” post, as I have written a long analytical piece on it, explaining the truth and justice behind the very notion.
*Favorite Movie: Where Eagles Dare. Killing that many Nazis in a single movie can only bring joy to the hearts of everyone who sees it.
*Favorite Simpsons: I don’t identify with a particular character on the Simpsons really except, perhaps, Lisa. I know that she’s a girl but as I see it, she’s a paladin. She is oft the voice of reason in the show and she is by far the brightest star there is. However, I see the Simpsons as a single entity comprised of the many. I identify with everyone on the show because the genius of the show is that it has a little bit of everyone in it made up of each individual character. Therefore, it is the nature of God. God cannot be dissected into parts, because it is a wholesome oneness which creates the unique aspect of Godhood. It is heresy to even attempt to dissect the Simpsons in anything more than jest, but if I had to choose, I would then – again – say Lisa.
Who Tends the Fires and A Little Aardvark Never Hurt Anyone did not respond. Banagor turned his nearly 500 word answer in late, so it had to be disqualified on two counts. Thus, there are only three answers to choose from this time.
Here are those three answers to the question in random order (revealing who wrote which is means for disqualification):
QUESTION: Everyone knows my solution to random ninja attacks. In 200 words or less, describe your own solution. Remember, while people hate getting randomly attacked by ninjas, they also hate high taxes, so try and keep your solutions cheap.
ANSWER 1: Ninjas? Are you serious? Unless these “ninjas” are wearing Batman like thick-as-shit rubber tighties that reflect bullets, then whip out your Desert Eagle, put one in each of their nuts (most ninjas don’t wear anti-bullet-in-nut shields), put one in each of their knee caps, walk behind them, recite the Boondock Saints prayer, and put one in the back of their head. No more ninja.
ANSWER 2: Hit them with a Dragon Slave spell. This is sort of like a Neutron Bomb, only backwards: it leaves people alive – more or less – in a crater several miles wide. While the Ninjas are boggling at the extent of the destruction (Ninjas often kill people, but rarely destroy entire cities), you can sneak up behind them, slip headphones over their ears and play Alanis Morisette at them until they melt into a puddle of gloop. This really works. (Celine Dion also works, but then you’d run the risk of hearing it and melting into a puddle of gloop yourself.)
ANSWER 3: Easy, breed Chomps, the world’s angriest hunting dog, train his offspring what Ninja’s are and how they smell, and then say “SicEm.” Once the Ninja are taken care of (a week tops), the pups can then be trained to take out any other group, say the French, or the monkeys, causing problems.
Three to choose from, one to win.
PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!
POLL CLOSED
Poll closes 24 hours (or so) after this post.
And now next round of questions for Group F!
GROUP F QUESTIONS:
What is the name of your site?
What is your preferred name as a blogger?
How long have you been blogging?
Give a brief description of your site.
Briefly praise Frank J. and IMAO. Name favorite post.
What’s your favorite movie?
Which Simpsons character do you most identify with?
SHORT ANSWER QUESTION: You are on your way somewhere, but a group of hippies incoherently protesting something blocks your way. In 200 words ot less, what is the best way to handle this siuation?
Group F, you have 24 hours to get me your answers. Godspeed.

Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Round 4 Over

Me home now. Here are the full results for the poll.
The question was: In 200 words or less, describe the best way to kill a
Communist.
And the winning answer is: Answer 5, written by dr.dna of the voodoo lounge. It got 63 votes (28%).

Get an Islamic suicide terrorist to blow up near him. Two birds with one stone.

Answer 1 was written by Susie of Practical Penumbra. It got 55 votes (24%).

The best way to kill a commie depends on one’s own personal idiom. There are those who prefer weapons grade plutonium in a puppie smoothie, and others who insist that a katana and a Colt 1991 will do. I, however, am of the school that believes the old tried-and-true remedies work best: capitalism (and lots of it!).

Answer 2 was written by Bloodthirsty Warmonger of Over The Edge. It got 26 votes (11%).

Almost anything can be justified, as long as you have a good recipe for it. The Japanese in me wanted to turn him into sushi — then I came to my senses, realizing that you need the freshest ingredients for that. As I plunged into the nefarious depths, my thoughts turned to the fine art of jungle warfare. We could let him out into the jungle with a five-minute head start, pursued by Buck the Marine, who’s been given the order to shoot him on sight, like a mad dog.! But before that happens, he could be done in by a variety of booby traps. My favorite method of turning him into hamburger would be the Bouncing Betty, the mine with the spring device that causes a bomb to explode at chest level. Of course there will be cameras to record the expression of surprise on his face in his last second of life. Muh ha ha ha!

Answer 3 was written by Elliot of Curiosity. It got 57 votes (25%).

Drop him in a pit with monkeys. Tell the monkeys he’s a Jew (monkeys are anti-semitic).

Answer 4 was written by Norbizness of Happy Furry Puppy Story Time. It got 7 votes (3%).

Put a bomb in Yao Ming’s ribcage during a Chinese National Team basketball exhibition game in Beijing. .

Answer 6 was written by Attila Girl of Little Miss Attila. It got 20 votes (9%).

Wouldn’t that depend on the range?–I could see a variety of firearms as being really useful for this project. But please do not forget poison, which creates a lot of pain. If you can get close to the communist in question, I would recommend working poison into their food. Don’t mess around with ice picks; that’s silly.

I voted for Susie’s answer because she has been trying to get a link for a while. I guess she’ll never get one now; I wish there was something I could do. If I hadn’t voted for hers, I would have probably voted for Answer 3; it was so random it cracked me up.
Congratulations to dr. dna of the voodoo lounge. He will compete against Modularparrot.com, Serenity’s Journal, and Adventures in Trouble Shooting in the final round.
The poll for Group E will be up soon, as well as the question for the last group, Group F.

Poll Results… Sorta

I forgot again to prep some questions so I could answer them during my lunch break for Frank Answer™, so I was going to at least put out the poll results for Group D. Then I realized, I don’t have the information here at work with me to know who wrote what. Anyway, there were 228 votes, and the winner is…
Whoever wrote Answer 5, which got 63 votes (28%). Congratulations to someone.
Answer 1 got 55 votes (24%).
Answer 2 got 26 votes (11%).
Answer 3 got 57 votes (25%).
Answer 4 got 7 votes (3%).
Answer 6 got 20 votes (9%).
I voted for one of them, probably not the winner. Whichever one it was, I liked it for some reason.
Congratulations to someone for winning the poll, and thanks to the other people who aren’t that someone for participating.
Someone will now join the other three finalists – who I can’t remember off hand – in the final competition.
Anyway, I’ll update this with more details when I get home from work.

To Everyone Who Thinks I Write Relevant Satire, Take That!

A lot of people sent me this article. It tells the terrible story of how, if monkeys get protection by the law, they run amok. They’ll steal your chicken, bitch-slap your dogs, and ride your hogs. That’s because monkeys know right from wrong and always choose wrong.
Luckily, we have no such problems here. That’s because earlier American settlers shot all the monkeys and chased them to Canada. Now Canadians just put up with the constant monkey attacks, getting bit all the time (it’s a one month wait to get a monkey bite treated in Canada) and having their hockey sticks stolen. It’s a living hell, but, ask most Canadians about it, and they’ll be so embarrassed by the problem they’ll pretend not to know what you are talking about.
I know what you’re probably saying: “Hey, I live in Delaware; I’m never going to get overridden with monkeys here like those stupid Canucks.” You will if you become unwatchful of the problem. If that happens, monkeys will soon take over, scratching us, eating our bananas, voting for Democrats, and taking all the high-paying jobs. Hey, it’s happened in Canada where is a virtual Monkocracy, only the monkeys getting promoted into management by the other monkeys. Most Canadians have a boss who is a monkey, a monkey who will constantly bite them and make them work unpaid overtime. Plus, if a Canadian gets a bad performance review, his monkey boss will give him Ebola. It’s true, though most Canadians will tell you otherwise because they’re filthy liars.
And it’s already too late for Canada, because they can’t pass laws against the monkeys since the monkeys overtook the legislature. I even think their president, or prime minister, or head hockey coach – whatever it is that rules Canada – is a monkey (well, technically they have a king which is a moose, but he’s just a figurehead). But we can fight back before it’s too late. First, if you ever need to travel to Canada (I don’t know why; maybe to dump trash or something), make sure to thoroughly check your car for any monkey stowaways on return. Check in the trunk, under the hood, under the car, and cut open each tire to make sure a monkey isn’t hiding inside. Also, unlike Taiwan, which has laws to protect monkeys, we should pass a Monkey Unprotection law, one where, if you see a wild monkey and don’t at least throw a rock at it, you would face heavy fines. And, if you are found to be a monkey sympathizer, there would be jail time. I also propose a new Amendment to the Constitution which will read: “Monkeys are bad; kick them.”
Do you want a future overrun by monkeys like what Charlton Heston had to face? Of course you don’t. So support the Monkey Unprotection Act; it’s for The Children™.
Okay, so I got bored of writing about the Middle East and North Korea; so sue me.

Links of the Day

The poll for Group D is coming down to a photo finish, so make sure to have voted. To be fair, I’ll try to close this one at 24 hours on the dot, but I probably won’t be able to post the results until tomorrow night (when also the poll for Group E and question for the final group, Group F, appears).
My father sent me the story Bob links to. I hear it could be an urban legend, but there’s still some wisdom to it.
Note-It Posts has made the Move™, so welcome Dana at her new digs off blogspot.
Jarred Nicholls takes on the “hyping” of the war.
Blackfive answers e-mail with style. I’m starting to like him. (if you still haven’t read his story about the French General, do so now).
Some one please think of the children!
What I love about Laurence Simon (when I don’t hate it) is he never worries about being offensive.
Finally, I think we need a story about Bob Hope, who just passed away. There goes a great American.


I don’t always have a lot of time each day to peruse the blogosphere, so don’t be afraid to send me a link to one of your posts if you think it’s especially worthy. Just don’t bug me too often (try to keep e-mails to once a week) or get too upset if I don’t use it.

Frank Answers: Penumbras and Their Practicability, .50 AE vs. 12-guage, 0% APR, Bond Girls, Helping New Readers, and To Patronize

Yay! Frank Answers™ is back!
LC Victor from The First Circle of Hell asks:
What’s a “Penumbra?” Is there ever a time when one is “Practical?”
Penumbra is what Bob Hope just died from. I guess it’s practical if you hate Bob Hope (which only a dirty Commie would).
Tim E. from Xenia, OH asks:
A 12-gauge Remington shotgun or a .50 caliber Desert Eagle handgun –
which would be better for killing commies, hippies, and foreigners in
general?

Sure, the Desert Eagle is cool, but it’s just not practical enough (certainly not as practical as a penumbra). Do you know how much that .50 AE ammo costs? A 12-gauge shotgun has been around forever, though, and has been proven reliable against home invaders, zombies, and aliens. If you need to send something to hell, a shotgun is the most tried and true transportation available.
Ed Hawley from Milpitas, CA asks:
If car companies are advertising “0% APR”, is this compounded daily or quarterly?
Neither; it’s compounded continuously. Here is the equation. It involves e. Everyone loves e.
Nick Packwood from London, England writes:
You are obviously a super-spy of some kind. Who is your favorite Bond Girl?
I liked the blond one from the most recent Bond movie, Die Another Day. She was great right up until the part she got all dead. Then she lost her appeal.
Sean from Sydney, Australia writes:
Have you thought about making a character’s page for your In My World™ posts? While I know you’re basing the characters on real world political figures, you’ve ended up adding in a lot of character points that are entirely your own, such as Condoleezza Rice being an evil supervillainess, President Bush’s penchant for prank calling Democrats, the Fox News Reporter, Buck the Marine, and Chomps. Do you think it might be helpful for newcomers to the site if there were a characters page?
Yes, it would be helpful for newcomers.
That was an easy question.
CPT Brook A. Nelson from somewhere (most likely) asks:
When you ask readers to “Please patronize our sponsors”, are you referring to the first dictionary definition which is 1) to be a customer of or do you mean 2) to treat condescendingly, haughtily, or coolly?
I mean the first one. The phrase comes from the back of the church bulletin from the church I went to when growing up, and I always like it. So, if you ever plan on buying something from Amazon.com, just go through one of my links to get your stuff so I get money. No cost to you, and it makes me happy. And, when I’m happy, I’m funnier.
Remember this equation: Money = Happy = Funny


Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.