annika from Los Angeles writes:
I recently had the misfortune of sitting through most of the Britney Spears movie Crossroads, and about halfway through it i began to feel an intense and disturbing urge to vacate my bowels involuntarily. The last time i felt such an overwhelming urge was at the Black Howler Monkey exhibit of the San Francisco Zoo. Naturally i’m wondering if there’s any connection, and if so, which is more dangerous to our freedom as God Loving Americans: the continued existence of Britney Spears or the continued existence of the Black Howler Monkey?
All I know about Britney Spears is that she seems to be the head of the trend for eleven-year-old girls to dress up like hos. For that, I think the parents are the ones in need of a smacking. I would be much more fearful of the sinister black howler monkey. His evil howl can be heard for miles, and will serve as an alarm to the other monkeys when we finally begin out strike against them.
If you still have bowel problems, consult a doctor.
Analog Kid from the Land of a Million Hippies writes:
I have a 2-part question.
1. Why is true different from magnetic north?
2. Is this a commie plot, a ninja plot or a plot from the monkeys?
1. Magnetic north is different from true north because it involves magnets.
2. My gut tells me it’s a Commie plot. They tried to try to control the weather, so why not also fool around with magnetic north. I bet they keep moving the magnets just to confuse us. We need to post some guard at the North Pole to guard those magnets and shoot any Commies who might try and move them. They can also answer kids’ letters to Santa Claus.
Tim E. from Xenia, Ohio asks:
Coca-Cola or Pepsi?
(real non-commie America-loving, gun-totin’ half-Irishmen say Coca-Cola)
I agree; Coca-Cola all the way for this real non-commie, America-loving, gun-totin’ half-Irishman. Pepsi is too sweet for me; I prefer the dryer taste of Coca-Cola. I usually go for bitter over sweet. That’s why I drink my coffee black and why I likes me Guinness.
John from Flagstaff, AZ asks:
Hey, Frank, How’s the hunt for the right lady goin’?
So far no luck. I guess I’ll just have to get used to the fact that I’ll die sad and lonely… or in a hail of gunfire.
Mmm… hail of gunfire.
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
“…Mmm… hail of gunfire…”
Even more likely to happen if you keep dis’n the Goddess Britney…my love for her is boundless. If I wasn’t so lazy I’d stalk her…
That dirty whore Spears? Her??? Why when there’s so many other women who put out to ANYONE?
Begone, vile miscreant, do not desecrate the Goddess Britney by even thinking about her with your nasty mind!
“If I wasn’t so lazy I’d stalk her.”
Hehe, that’s a great line. Laziness: #1 stopper of crime.
Booyah! Huzzah for Coca-cola, nectar of the Gods (next to Ginger Beer, which is like ginger ale, except that you have to be careful not to breathe in while opening the bottle, else you will no longer have any sinuses to speak of).
Frank, you’re 24…not old enough to start worrying about dying alone. Want all of us to start posting your personals on our own blogs?
hoorah for Coca-Cola
Pepsi’s for Liberal Communist-loving Frenchman who have pet monkeys.
To Hell with them.
Don’t worry, Frank. Being single has advantages. Think of all the nifty guns you can afford! Then it’s the Commie ninja hippy monkeys that go down in a hail of gunfire 🙂
Frank, you’ve got me so worried that I’m not sure I can sleep tonight. Seeing as magnetic north is in Canada, does this mean they’ve already taken over our northern neighbor? How soon until they invade us?!
Sure, living in Florida you’re safe now, but it’s only a matter of time before magnetic north is based in the southeast.
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
I live in Ohio, I better start stockpiling ammunition and grenades now.
…stupid plotting Canadians…
Frank, do you hate it when I post here?
MonkeyPants
Imperial Falconer
Let me know if you’re thinking of taking the “hail of bullets” route, Frank. Maybe we could get a group together for more posthumous news coverage. With a big enough squad, we might be able to perform some public service, like overthrowing North Korea or wiping out the San Diego Zoo’s monkey house.
Count me in that unruly mob of yours.
Can we use tear gas on the monkey’s first? Then finish them off with lasers?
As for the North Koreans, just use bullets with them, they don’t howl when they’re in agony like monkeys.
Hey, I like Coca-Cola better than Pepsi, but Pepsi is born in the Carolinas. It’s part of the good old country gun-tootin’ South. Don’t insult Pepsi by calling it a drink for commies and french people. They probably drink their own urine.
Pepsi/Coke? With a little alcohol added in, does it matter?
Why ruin good alcohol with soft drinks? Branch, soda, or tonic depending on the poison.
Frank likes coke, black coffee & Guinness and at 24, like me, he’s looking for the right woman, like me. You need a wingman you got one!
Heck, I was 27 before I even met the right one. So you got’s some time. Just make sure you buy your guns and toys now, because wives are EXPENSIVE! Worth it, but expensive.
Better yet: get a girl who likes guns, and you can shop for more of ’em together.
24? A callow youth!
My folks didn’t meet until Dad was 31 and mom was 26; you’re doing fine.
(Wirlwind romance, lead to a wedding that “would never last” and going on today as a pair of best friends that can seem to read eachother’s mind.)
BTW, diet pepsi is good…..
STUPED HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Be afraid, very afraid. My mom and dad were 17 and 20, respectivly.