Archive of entries posted on 25th July 2003

Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One Round 3 Over

Posted by on

The poll is closed.
No offense to the first two groups, but I think we had the best group of answers so far (they probably also got an easier question; everyone hates monkeys). There were a total of 267 votes.
The question was: Name your least favorite species of monkey and explain why you dislike that monkey.
And the winning answer is: Answer 1, written by Stan, Bob, Jon, Darwin and Guy of Modularparrot.com. It got 96 votes (36%).

The European Moss-Back; a nearly-extinct subset of the infamous Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkey. The EMB is distinguished by its lack of personal hygiene, infrequent showers and propensity to urinate in the street. Visual identification is simple; the EMB is heavily carpeted in thick hair on its back, arms, legs, and feet and often wears a beret to cover a hairless pate. Always has something in its mouth, usually one of its feet. Older EMBs tend to be grey-backed.
* EMBs chatter constantly, usually unintelligibly, and wouldn’t be caught dead communicating with lesser breeds. When they are caught dead, their meat is flabby, gamy and otherwise unpalatable.
* EMBs are not territorial; in fact, they rarely defend themselves except when there’s pride or oil involved, neither of which they posses in any significant quantity. So they tend to be red arsed from frequent beatings.
* They can only be moved to action by threats and big sticks, or by yelling “Rarr”. (16 words)
* EMBs tend to congregate around African cesspools, art museums, or plates heaped with rotting cheese, foie gras and crackers, and they show a peculiar attraction to whine.

Answer 2 was written by Graham Lester of Uncategorical. It got 67 votes (25%).

The baboon is my least favorite species of monkey:
Baboons have ugly butts.
Baboons are scary.
Baboons will eat anything, including other baboons, and even humans.
The baboon is the most French of all the monkeys. Here are some solid proofs:
If you ask a baboon a simple question in English, he will act like he doesn’t speak the language.
If you ask the question again in French, the baboon will act arrogant, like you’re not good enough to merit the consideration of a reply.
Although baboons eat anything and anyone, I know of no case of a baboon eating a Frenchman.
Although they will also eat anything, I know of no case of a Frenchman eating a baboon. Obviously, there is an alliance.
If you ask to be served baboon in a French restaurant, they will become angry, like they have something to hide.
French organ grinders never use baboons.
There are no cases of baboon organ grinders using Frenchmen (except in captivity).
If you throw a beret to a troop of baboons, they will wait until you have gone and then the leader will put the beret on his head and quote Sartre.
Stop Press: Absolute proof of the Franco-Baboon Alliance can be found at this link.

Answer 3 was written by Mike of Mike. He got 23 votes (9%).

At the risk of being permanently banned from IMAO, I have to confess that I love monkeys. All of them. The little guys are incredibly handy. They wash my dishes, pick up my dry cleaning, and occasionally pose as me on my blog. They even do windows, although they bitch about it. The only problem is that I can’t toilet-train them. Their union contract says that they don’t have to wear diapers so they shit wherever they want to.

Answer 4 was written by J of The Blog of Xanadu. It got 21 votes (8%). Donations are now being accepted.

Any form of macaque. Macaque is the French word for ‘monkey’. Leave it to the French to name the monkey after their tiny masculine body parts. We should shoot all macaques, and then shoot each French man in is ‘macaque’. As President, I’d make macaques illegal. Donations are now being accepted.

Answer 5 was written by Bill of Bloviating Inanities. It got 13 votes (5%).

The Buffy-headed Marmoset. While this particular monkey appears cute, cuddly and harmless enough, I once witnessed two of these little bastards at a zoo. It wasn’t pretty. The male not only sexually assaulted the female, he then proceeded to steal her banana. She retaliated by throwing her fresh, steaming poo at him. I was afraid she would turn on me with the poo flinging so I headed over to a more well-behaved animal, the wolverine. Luckily, the Buffy-headed Marmoset is on the endangered species list.

Answer 6 was written by John or Collins (is doesn’t really matter) of Collinization. It got 47 votes (18%).

Although I do hate all monkeys, my least favorite species is the apus moldus cowardus; the cheese-eating surrender monkey. Easily identified by their long, flowing back hair(females) and small genitals(males), this vile beast was the first species of monkey to fling excriment out of it’s mouth. These animals allow their food to rot for months, even years before consuming it. Some think that they enjoy the stench, as it covers their own putrid smell. Others, like myself, believe it is due to their intense fear of inanimate objects. For those reasons, the cheese-eating surrender monkey is the species of monkey I hate the most. Well, that and one of the little bastards bit me one time, and I think it gave me the AIDS. Don’t worry though; I put some windex on it.

This was a hard one to pick a best answer from, and I once again did not vote for the winner as I voted for Answer 2 as I thought the comparison between a baboon and a Frenchman was particularly funny (I especially liked the part about it pretending not to know English).
Hmm… and this is three times in a row answer 1 has won the contest.
Anyway, congratulations to the P-Team of Modularparrot.com who joins Serenity’s Journal and Adventures in Trouble Shooting as finalists.
Thanks again to everyone for participating. I hope this has been as fun for you as it is aggravating for me to format these posts šŸ™‚
Group D’s answers are all in, and the poll will be posted Monday morning.

In My World: Buck Goes to Liberia Part II

Posted by on

Part 1
“You gotta see this!” Rumsfeld exclaimed with a smile.
“What?” President Bush asked.
“Instead of just showing the dead bodies of Uday and Qusay, we came up with something more creative,” Condoleezza Rice said, turning on a TV and putting in a tape.
“We strung up those two bastards like marionette puppets and made them dance!” Rumsfeld laughed.
On screen were the two bullet riddled bodies of Uday and Qusay dancing. Bush began to shield his eyes. “This is the most disgusting, grotesque, vile thing I’ve ever…” He then started laughing. “Hey, Uday just hit Qusay!” he said excitedly, “Hit him again! Uh-oh; Qusay is fighting back!” He turned to Rice and Rumsfeld. “This is great. We should make a series.”
“Dancing dead Iraqis aside,” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, “What am I supposed to tell the press when they find out we only sent one Marine to Liberia?”
“I dunno, Ari; we didn’t want to send more until that goof Charles Taylor steps down,” Bush said, “Why are we even concerned about Liberia anyway? They don’t have oil.”
“I don’t think we want to say that,” Scott answered.
“Ari, you’ve really become more of a worry-wart since you grew hair,” Bush told him, “Why don’t you make up some other excuse for why we aren’t sending more troops such as that we hate black people.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Rice said.
“That’s for Ari to decide,” Bush assured her, “He’s the professional at this.” Bush then started laughing hysterically. “Hit him again, Uday! Hit him!”

Buck hid behind cover while Chomps stood near by, still wearing his blue helmet which made him the world’s angriest U.N. peacekeeper. They were being fired on by some people on the top story of a building and had Buck pinned down tight.
“I’m almost out of ammo,” Buck exclaimed, “I may have to use one of these AK-47’s from the for’ners I killed, and I hate AK-47’s.”
Chomps took an AK-47 in his mouth and snapped it in two. He also hated AK-47’s.
“I have an idea,” Buck told Chomps, “Maybe if you’re smart like Lassie, you could take a grenade and run it into the building where all the for’ners are. Then you can pull out the pin and run away.” He held out a grenade to Chomps. “Can you do that, boy?”
Chomps took the grenade and swallowed it.
“Oh, that ain’t good.”
Chomps started hacking and coughing.
“You better not explode on me,” Buck said, shielding his face.
Chomps then walked out of cover and hacked out the grenade with such force that it flew through the air and into the window of the building where their attackers were. It then exploded, taking out the top floor. Chomps then walked over to Buck and set a grenade pin in his hand.
“Wow!” Buck exclaimed, “That’s quite a trick. When we get back to the states, we’re going to have to have you do that on Letterman.”
Buck readied his weapon and continued down through the streets with Chomps following close behind. He soon spotted a woman ahead of him.
“Hmm, she don’t look so foreign,” Buck said, approaching cautiously.
It was Fox News reporter, Melinda Hawkish, standing outside a building. “What are you doing here?” Buck asked.
“Trying to out scoop Jennifer ‘look at me I’m so pretty and in dangerous places’ Eccleston by interviewing President Charles Taylor.”
“Won’t you need a cameraman?” Buck asked.
“Mine got kidnapped and now they’re asking for a ransom,” Melinda said with frustration, “All I really want to do is get a nice anchorwoman job. They once let me co-host on Fox and Friends, but, get in one fist fight with Susan Estridge, and suddenly you’re banned for life.” She fixed her blouse. “So, do you think this appropriate amount of cleavage to show for a serious news woman?”
“Uh… I guess,” Buck answered, “So is Charles Taylor in that building? I have a message for him.”
“Yeah, he’s locked in there.”
Buck walked over to the building. “President Charles Taylor, I have a message for you!” Buck called out, “It’s from General Abizaid.”
“What is it?” Taylor asked, peeking out a window.
“You’re an ass and you should get out of office!”
“I won’t leave until the Americans commit troops!” Taylor responded.
“Uh… well, I’m an American Marine.”
“Where are the rest of you?”
“Uh… I’m a fast runner… they’re just behind me.”
Taylor though about this. “Okay, I’ll leave office, but I first need to talk to a U.N. representative.”
Buck looked to Chomps and patted him on his blue helmet. “I guess that means you.”
Chomps ran forward and busted through the front door. Soon they could hear some screaming and then Taylor jumped out the window and ran off down the street. Now looking out the window was Chomps with a big slobbery smile.
“Good negotiating, Chomps,” Buck called out, “Ooh-rah!”
Melinda watched Taylor run like hell down the street. “There goes my interview,” she sighed.

Bush ran into Rumsfeld office. “UPN just offered to pay for thirteen episodes of The Uday & Qusay Show.”
“Okay,” Rumsfeld said, “but I need to keep creative control.”
A phone started ringing and Rumsfeld picked it up. “Who is this? …Buck? Buck who? …Oh, Buck the Marine. How are things going?”
“We got President Charles Taylor to resign, so I’m taking a break to enjoy some Liberian liquors with Melinda Hawkish,” Buck said.
“Okay, have a nice rest; you deserve it. Then I want you to head out to Congo and fix whatever is wrong there.”
“But I’m almost out of ammo and…”
“So how is Chomps?” Rumsfeld interrupted.
“He took a flight back to the states with some other people… I think to New York.”
“What? He’s all alone with strangers?”
“He seemed to know what he was doing.”

Chomps stood at the front of the main U.N. headquarter’s auditorium, wearing his blue helmet and looking at all the U.N. representatives with some confusion. Kofi Anan stood next to him.
“For negotiating a peaceful resignation of President Charles Taylor, we would like to award U.N. peacekeeper Chomps this medal,” Kofi Anan said, and then moved toward Chomps with the medal in hand.
Chomps took that as a threatening motion. And it made him angry. Now that he thought of it, all the people in this building made him angry for some reason. His eyes opened wide and were blood shot. He lips curled up revealing his jagged teeth. A growl started emanating from him, first low, then building in volume. Yes, the U.N. representatives made him angry. Very angry.
“Oh dear.”
THE END

Posts Coming

Posted by on

I got some much needed rest, and now I’m going to type out the conclusion for “In My World: Buck Goes to Liberia” (it’s just in my head right now, but I’m pretty sur it’s funny) now followed by the poll results for Group C.