I was going to write some Frank Answers™ today, but I’m going to have to put that off to discuss a different topic now.
Everyone knows what a pet peeve is, right? It’s just something that makes you irrationally angry for reasons you can’t quite describe. Well, since starting blogging, I’ve encountered a brand new pet peeve that by far out matches any previous one.
Here’s a little secret about my site: all anger is acted. Wit takes a clear mind, and I am not funny when angry. What’s great is that I am very hard to get angry. That’s why I was able to respond with wit to hate mail; the people writing were completely unable to get a rise out of me. When writing my popular hate mail to Michael Moore, I was laughing and smiling the whole time. If you want to see the only actual instance of me being legitimately angry on this site, read my immediate response to the comment by Minstrel in this post. That’s completely out of character for me (I almost never use swear words, and only use them in posts when I think it adds to the humor value), and I felt bad right after writing it. But, I was so angry, that I didn’t stop to think that Minstrel is a reader of my site and probably a fan and meant the comment with no animosity, instead, I was so enraged, I just wanted to rip right into her. If she were standing next to me, I probably would have grabbed her by the neck and shook her.
So, let’s be clear on something. I am not a high school drop out. I am not retarded. I do not sniff glue. In fact, I was the first person in my junior high to get a hundred on all my tests in English. I graduated high school as a Valedictorian. I got a 1570 on my SAT’s. I graduated from a very prestigious engineering college with more than an 3.8. In short, I KNOW FUCKING “THEY’RE” FROM “THERE” FROM “THEIR”, “ITS” FROM “IT’S”, “TO” FROM “TOO”, “YOUR” FOR “YOU’RE”, AND ALL THE OTHER GODDAMN HOMOPHONES!
Maybe some people had never written before except to comment on my grammar, so I will explain this very carefully. You see, before you write something, it first appears in one’s mind as the spoken word. Instead of very carefully typing each word out and pausing to make sure it’s spelled correctly and make grammatical sense, the subconscious quickly takes over and takes the spoken thought in one’s mind and transfers it to written language using a number of heuristics it has picked up throughout the years. It is extremely flawed. It will often write the wrong homophone (and forget the question mark for a question… but that’s neither here nor there). That’s why there is a thing called proofreading. The problem with blogging is that I want to get a post out quickly, and thus I am forced to proofread right after writing. That usually doesn’t work too well since what was meant (not typed) is still fresh in mind. I will catch a number of grammatical errors in that proofread, but I will not catch them all. Sometimes, I will come back an hour or so later after posting and reread a long post to catch more errors, but I don’t always have the time.
That’s why I actually like it when people e-mail me corrections (I don’t like them in the comments because it makes no sense after the correction is made). Pointing out mistakes in my post is doing me a favor. But here is how you phrase a correction.
In this sentence (excerpt of sentence) you accidentally wrote “you’re” when you meant “your”.
See, in that correction, the person shows that he knows that I understand proper grammar and simply made an inevitable error.
What you do not do ever… EVER… is lecture me on grammar like I’m some fucking four year old. It does not matter how politely you try to do it; I will hate you forever. And I mean ever more than a hippy or a Communist, because it will be a deep, personal hatred.
Understand?
I will put a permalink to this on my sidebar for future reference to new readers.
P.S. There will inevitably be grammar mistakes in this post. That is not ironic, that is apropos, especially since I was a bit angry when writing it.
Thanks for the warning, Frnak.
🙂
Right on, Frank!! I know exactly what you mean. It has amazed me in the past when people assume I actually don’t KNOW that it should be “to” instead of “too”, when it’s plain to see by reading my stupid blog that I f***ing KNOW HOW TO SPELL. You’d think people had never heard of a goddamn typo. Especially with blogging – and you nailed it right on the head with the way you described it – when you’ve just written something, you’re still thinking about what you actually said and how it reads, not whether or not there are any typos. I don’t even bother proofreading right after writing anymore because I NEVER catch all the typos. Usually I just wait for someone to tell me in e-mail.
Speaking of, I have to say I’ve been really, really lucky with that. Everyone who writes to point out a mistake in one of my posts has been really nice about it. Usually they’re just worried that I’m gonna get pissed that they’re correcting me, when in fact, I LOVE it and I’m immensely grateful for it and I actively encourage it. It’s usually the people in comments who get a shitty attitude and pounce on an opportunity to be snotty to the blogger on his own blog. The whole public forum thing, etc.
Anyway, it’s fun to see you all pissed off. Me likey. Reminds me of Chomps.
Some dunderheads just can’t help themselves. Don’t take it personally – we love you frnak! 🙂
Pooo… I just noticed that michele did the “frnak” thing too. I thought I was being original, but alas, I am just a dunderhead too. Sorry Frank.
Rock on Frank. I had some asshat writing on my blog (you know who you are MATT ASHBY) about all my minimalist grammar errors after I went to town on a friend of his who used pamper to instead of pander to.
Pamper to? WTF. Are you twelve?
Gah. Was angry enough to scream.
Michele you took the words right out of my mouth :-). There was no need to insult phone booths in gay bars though…
Seriously, this is such a good explanation of how a post gets written and how proofreading errors creep into a post that it should be part of Blogging 101. The etiquette for pointing out such errors could go in Trolling For Dummies, an oxymoron if ever there was one.
I totally understand! I’m an attorney and I have the same problem. I never, NEVER file something with the court until I’ve proof read it multiple times. And I cannot proofread immediately after writing, I wait hours, and prefferably days between proofreading sessions. Needless to say this takes alot of time.
Anyway it matters when I file with the court, but I can always tell what you meant to say even with the typos. It doesn’t matter to me that there are typos sometimes in your posts, I would rather you have time to post regularly instead of taking all of your time getting a few posts perfect.
Oh and I love your site Frank:)
Mistakes happen. Hell, I know I’ve made enough of them. It doesn’t excuse rudeness, however.
Cool, now we know what it’s like to see you pissed off!
Frank J angry! Frank J smash!
tee hee!
Dang Frank, how are all those oh so educated, acedemic elitist, mental midgets going to prove their self-deluded superiority now. You just ruined it for everyone.
You know the problem with all those leftist elitist snobs is that it makes it so much more difficult for those of us who actually are superior.
Love your website Frank.
Matt
I usually paste my posts into Word for a spell check before I put them into my site because I always find huge mistakes.
Love the site, don’t sweat the loser grammar checkers.
My dear Frank, I am sorry those homophonophobes got to you. I know you’re smart because I have to keep a dictionary on my lap when I read your posts. Excuse me while I go look up “heuristic”.
Your site makes my day : – )
OK. OK. Geeze, Frank, I wasn’t trying to be rude, I thought it was a helpful tip. I would trade my impeccable spelling and grammar for your creativity and sense of humor any day 🙂
But, go ahead. Ban me and hate me forever. It’s your blog.
Some bloggers spend hours and hours on their posts…some, like me, just write as we are thinking. Sometimes, we make typos. Sometimes, as Robert Cecrle pointed out, the writer has to come back an hour or so later because you can’t see the typos through the trees…or whatever. If people want to email the blogger a correction, I guess that’s their thing and I know they are trying to help…but I just can’t understand why we can’t just appreciate what the person wrote. We all make typos…it’s obvious that people like Frank, Rachel, Bill Whittle, know how to spell…so it just never occurred to me to shoot off an email about it. The only time I ever shot an email off was when a link didn’t work on this site. Otherwise, I enjoy it, typos and all.
As a professional WEB EDITOR, I have to lend Frank J. my support.
Even the greatest writers have countless editors and proofreaders to assist them. I have only met ONE person in my entire career who submitted copy that was always free of grammar and spelling errors. He was a freak! Really. He was like Rainman or something.
I have edited the writing of Ivy Leaguers and high school drop outs. There are some complete idiots who can always punctuate a sentence pefectly. There are also some very brilliant people who can’t spell worth a shit.
Bloggers don’t have professional proofreaders and the MS Word spellchecker doesn’t catch homophonous mix-ups.
I love blogs because they are a more spontanious form of communication. The fact that the copy isn’t edited and scrutinized is a large part of the appeal. It is the raw word, baby!
I have addressed this issue in the corporate world many times — mostly in regard to e-mail and intranet posts. These items should not be expected to be grammatically perfect. Often, we must sacrifice careful proofreading for the sake of timeliness.
The only time I would point out a spelling error to a fellow blogger is if it changed their meaning. And, I’d send a polite e-mail — not a comment post!
If Frank were to have his copy proofread by a professional in order to ensure it conforms to AP style, the changes would not be substantial. He would also have to wait 24 hours or so to post his material. Would it be worth the expense and the effort? Of course not!
asm,
That’s the thing. I know people don’t mean to irk me when they do it, but it just does like nothing else for some reason.
Ryan,
I do the same thing, which at least takes care of most the spelling errors. I don’t do that for the name field in comments posts, which has led to errors on occasion 🙂
I’ve even caught errors on Andrew Sullivan’s blog, and he’s pretty damn well-versed in the verbal arts.
Mensa is cute cause they have little cards to show everybody how smart they are. “Sure, I’m not that successful in life, but I pay for a Mensa membership!” It always sounded kind of pathetic, like an overwelming need to recapture the approval that you used to get when you brought home an A in middle school.
(BTW Yes, I qualify to join, No I didn’t join)
Frank J,
I just want to apologize for anything I’ve ever done and may ever do to offend you.
I’m sorry.
Please don’t ban us, go kill French hippy Communists to clear your head.
Tim E
Will you hate them more than monkeys?
What is this proofreadign you speak of?
Unnamed,
Bashing Mensa when you have never belonged to it and never attended a meeting is stupid. You make assumptions about what it is like with no knowledge or any attempt to gain any. That is ignorance, and in your case, stupidity, regardless of your IQ. Crawl back under your rock, humorous satire is entirely beyond you.
MensaMan
Damn, Frank J., tell me how you really feel. I corrected you once back when you were on the rise, as it were, and you asked me to send you an e-mail if I ever saw a typo again…and I got the message the first time ’round.
Your point about the corrections pointed out in the comments section is spot on–your work is thusly doubled to go and delete the post now that the post points to something that no longer exists.
This is my confession. I once corrected Frank J. It was a horrible mistake. I even emailed it to him. I am not a blogger and I do not understand your world. I only hope to gain some enjoyment from reading IMAO regularly.
I like this site because I enjoy satire and only when it is done well by a person who is intelligent and makes passive references that make me feel smart when I understand them. Now, as I pointed out, I recognized Frank’s intelligence and when I saw a pattern of grammatical errors I decided to “help” by emailing him. I did not think he was stupid but I did not think it was a typo either. I tried to explain myself that I was trying to be helpful because I didn’t want him to appear uneducated when that was obviously not the case.
His reply caught me off guard. It was obvious that I had offended him and he let me have it. I do not make it a habit of intentionally hurting people and do not deal well with having someone react as if I had.
Now that I read this post I understand that I have commited the ultimate sin. I am now as low as a communist and a hippy. Oh well. Later.
Great, Frank; you would have to link the one (and only) post that I corrected you in the comments section. Now everyone probably is grouping me with that Mistrel troll. I’m a nice guy, really. (Even though I did just post a correction of Michele’s site; which made me stumble when reading {I agree with Fritz that these are the only real relevant errors to correct})
Anyone who’s ever posted a comment has no room to “teach” a blogger grammatical points/corrections, as we all make ’em.
Frank,
You should create a button to link to that post: “A WORD ABOUT CORRECTIONS” or some such.
I’m a copy editor for god’s sake. I get paid to keep an eye out for this junk and I still make the typical boneheaded mistakes all the time.
And what pisses me off even more is when it’s someone who habitually makes mistakes doing the correcting … like they’ve been waiting, lo, these twenty years to catch you in that one screw up.
But, hey, that’s what guns are for, right? To deal with such people.
You’re missing the point; Minstrel wasn’t a troll same as mykidsmomfour isn’t a troll. It’s just getting lectured at grammar makes me so angry I can’t help myself. I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, so I just want to warn people ahead of time.
“There was no need to insult phone booths in gay bars though…”
Now that’s funny! And it took me only 30 minutes to get it! (Guess I won’t be invited into MensaMan’s club now.)
tictoc,
I still haven’t gotten it.
I like the idea that I have this post. I’ll put a permalink to it on the side, and, if it still happens again, I can just take a deep breath and respond with nothing but a link to this post. No more aggravation.
You’re right, Frank; I was wrong to use the word “troll”. I guess, maybe like you, grammar lessons always remind me of the condescending attitude that liberal art undergrads would give many engineers like me (e.g. “I are a engineer”; now THAT’S high brow humor, NOT!)
An engineer who can spell? They make those?
Sigh. My world changes every day.
hln
Frank:
The first couple dozen misspellings and wandering punctuation marks bugged me, but heck! it’s YOUR blog, you can spell any way you want. I soon realized that your best stuff is written when you’re on a roll, and futzing around with spelling would totally ruin the flow of cool ideas, rude comments, and monkey-hating vitriol. Funk ’em if thye dont like yur spelling.
Ok, just a few observations:
+ I still don’t get the gay bar phonebooth thing.
+ Annika Ok, just a few observations:
+ I still don’t get the gay bar phonebooth thing.
+ Annika <- Waaay too obsessed with the Hulk.
+ My favorite sentence: “In fact, I was the first person in my junior high to get a hundred on all my test in English.” Sorry to point that out, but the irony was too great. Please don’t hate me, Frank.
+ Wow, I bet monkeys that correct his grammar really make him mad.
bitweaver – you didn’t get too much did you? I did rather well in all my test in english two!
and btw – gay bar phonebooth = HOMOPHONE!
All this talk about homophones make is making my hare hurt.
RARR! Hate Bitweever! RARR!
🙂
unfair. unbalanced. unmedicated. sad. must be an amerikkkan
HOMOPHONES
Frank J admits that he is one. He is not, however, retarded….
Know how you feel, Frank. It’s one of my big pet peeves too. I was on an email list last year, and I mangled the composition of a sentance in a post. A guy on the list not only publically corrected me, but decided to mock me at the same time. Several other list members thought it was oh so funny and joined in. Needless to say, I’m not on that list any more!
Man, Frank I thought you were JOKING when you responded to my last grammatical pointy-outy with venom!
Sorry, man… I’ll never do it again. People who think you aren’t smart because you have a few typos in stuff better than they could ever write don’t matter anyways. 🙂
o0o0o0o spiffy u deserve a cookie for being so smart frank!^_^ (im not yanking your chain either its spiffy)
Monkeyshines in the ol’ Blogosphere
It is not often that I post the whole entry of another blogger, but then it is not often that James at OTB posts something that makes me literally fall off my chair laughing:HOMOPHONES Frank J admits that he is…
Anyone–ANYONE–who “gets” Frank understands and savors the purity of his humor. Part of the reason he’s so funny is because he’s banging it out while he’s TALKING it in his head. If you have to ANALYZE Frank, you’re not mature enough to read him.
TALKING about this ruins the whole thing, frankly. I’m sad that you felt the need to respond, but it’s good to let out the festering rage once in awhile. Frank, you have to accept that some people just won’t ever get you or appreciate your humor. I posted part of an IMW with Rumsfeld and Chomps going at it, and some old fart immediately jumped me and claimed it played right into DemoRat hands, blah blah. Completely clueless and cheerless.
In Frank’s world Grammatically Correct = Politically Correct and if that ever happens, everyone stops laughing on the spot.
Frank, I love your blog, I thing you’re very funny and cool and everything, but grow up.
OK, now that was irony…
I’m a copy editor too. (And, Fritz–AP Style? I’m more of a Words Into Type chick, myself.)
MensaMan–I’ve never understood the need for that organization. And everyone I’ve met who belonged has been a bit of a dim bulb. Sorry; that’s just my experience. I’m sure it isn’t universal, but it explains my feeling that if you’ve got to to join Mensa to prove your intelligence, you haven’t got much of it.
Every entry I post gets proofread at least three times, and there are still mistakes in my posts: that’s what blogging is all about. It’s immediate, and flawed. I appear to be the Queen of Missing Words, for what that’s worth. Sometimes I’ll find the mistakes weeks later, browsing through my archives. Makes me wince.
Frank–every once in a while you come up with an unorthodox construction and I’m tempted to send you a note from the “Grammar Police.” I don’t think I’ve done it, but I’ve been tempted.
At that point I usually remind myself that most of your “mistakes” are accidental-on-purpose (e.g., “scientifical”), and it’s all part of your boyish charm.
Instead of banning me, you should add me to your blogroll because I like you so much. Or because you like me so much–I forget which.
Frank, I LOVE this site! Your stories are hysterical. I wish I could write like that. I tend to catch typos other people have made, but once in awhile I will leave a comment somewhere and later on re-read it and catch some of my typos. Hate it when that happens. So is life. Keep up the good work!
Thank you Clancy for explaining (and TicToc for pondering it). I didn’t realize when I wrote it that it would be so obscure…
Grammer has always been my bane, which is unforunate because I do have a knack for writing. I had to rely on my higher literature scores to pull up my gram scores in high-school. God help me when I start college.
Or, you could just write correctly.
Mensamanm
Um, sorry about hurting your feelings, if you feel the need to base your identity on a genetic attribute, (Read “one you had no part in setting”) go right ahead. I for one consider Mensa no different the Left-Handers club, perhaps 6-8% more exclusive, but no more prestigious. Have fun at your next meeting, the potential must be so high in that room; I hope one of you actually does something with it.
There was a great true crime story on Forensic Files the other night… starring a Mensa Man. The genius killed his pregnant wife and left her in the bedroom with the air conditioning on high–to try and mask the actual time of death. Little did Mensa Man know he’d be up against the formidable Dr. Henry Ree (that’s Lee in English).
And little did Mensa Man know a nine-year-old girl would catch him making a bogus phone call to his wife. He made the fake call from his friend’s house, but the friend’s daughter picked up the upstairs phone at the same moment and thought it odd indeed that the guy was speaking to a ringing phone on the other end.
He’s doing life now, where he’ll have lots of time to accumulate additional I.Q. points. Heh.
The Grammar Ninja
For anyone who’s ever bitched about my spelling and grammar on this site — read this. Frank J. says it far better than I could….
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Coming Soon! On the Fritz – Troll Alert
Those infuriating, pesky Internet trolls! Whether you’ve been online since Al Gore invented the Internet or you’re a blogging newbie, Internet trolls are an unavoidable source of frustration. That’s why On the Fritz will soon launch a new blog dedicate…
I feel for thee Frank!
Frankly, I can’t believe one would actually write about a grammatical error. Uh, was it read to be enlightened or is one just that anal?
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Legal Underground is pleased to announce immediate openings for highly intelligent and sharp-eyed readers willing to serve as part-time copy editors and proofreaders. All are welcome to participate. What will you earn? $20 for each typographical error,…
I’m SO with you! Actually some people scare me by their rude reaction on spelling mistakes. I’m Dutch, but my weblog is English. I often make mistakes like “their” instead of “they’re” because it’s, like you said, first in my mind. I do always reread (is that a word :)) what I’ve posted, and often I do correct a few mistakes.
Try managing a blog in english when it isn’t your primary language… luckily I have come past the threshold where I “think” in Swedish and then have to translate it in my head before I type it. Now I just spill my guts and pray that the spellchecker in me isn’t on vacation.
My philosophy is that if you can understand the meaning of what I have written, it’s good enough. But, ofcourse, that wouldn’t be good enough if I would have my blog in Swedish.
I wish I could be paid for proofreading toilet grafitti, and correcting dyslexic swasticas.
A dyslexic swastica is a swastica which, if the ends of the arms were rockets, would spin clockwise. It is telling, to me, that those who would put a swastica on a toilet stall partition, don’t know that a proper swastica would spin counter-clockwise.
I just felt this to be the proper forum for this subject.
here here!!!
My working day starts very early. From Monday to Friday I get up at half past three and I have a shower and a cup of coffee. I usually leave the house at ten past four because the car always arrives a few minutes early. I get to the studio at about five and start working. My programme Good Morning Australia starts at seven and finishes at nine.
Home
Then I leave the studio at a quarter past ten. After that, I go shopping and visit some friends. I get home at three. A woman helps me with the housework and the ironing. I read a newspaper and do some work.
This was the only thing worth reading on your site.