Bill Whittle’s last essay “Magic” was actually a bit short for him, so short it was almost readable. Whitler has since decided that the reason it was short was because he gave into peer pressure to make shorter essays. Now, he’s decided to do his own thang, and has rewritten the entire essay, making it longer. So here is “Magic: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut“. I think it actually grows in size as you read it.
Since my blogroll has gotten so large, I no longer just add people to it by request, and instead am trying to come up with better standards for who gets added. The new one is now being an attractive female who write great posts. Thus Annika gets added to my blogroll just like Courtney did. Maybe I can use my links section to subtly flirt with them; just no one tell them that or it will seem insincere.
Andrew Sullivan is having another pledge drive. Last time I heard he made $80,000. Well, let’s show him. Help me raise $100,000 dollars. Currently, we’re about $100,000 short, so start pledging!
John Hawkins has another blogger symposium, yet again without me. Argh! I hate things that don’t give me more attention.
Emperor Misha I has something just like my Frank Answers™, but he’ll probably say he thought of it first. Liar.
Condoleezza Rice is doing beer ads. Unfortunately, it’s not like that famous Miller Lite one.
Archive of entries posted on 9th June 2003
Frank Answers
Poosh from Nanjing, China writes:
Why does it cost so much money to fight wars these days? The recent Iraq war cost billions and we were not up against much of a foe. I mean I heard a tank costs like a million dollars and I can’t afford that.
I know what you mean. I keep getting really angry at some countries, but, when I estimate the cost of doing war with them myself, it’s way out of my price range. That’s why it’s usually a function of the federal government to kill bad foreigners. Problem is, a lot of our tax money goes for other things than paying for weaponry. Like they take money out of my check each week for social security even though I don’t want social security since I have a 401k. I even went to the IRS guy and demanded that money back because I don’t like paying taxes that don’t lead to the death of bad people. But the IRS guy said I had to pay it, and then some guys came out with machine guns to emphasize that point. And they were really scary, so I ran away.
Anyway, maybe war is too expensive for an individual, but maybe if a bunch of us Americans get together we can pool our money to buy lots of weaponry and then go country to country killing dictators. It’s our America duty to solve all the world’s problems, and we can’t always wait for the government to do it. We’ll just get a deal with the U.S. government to overlook all our activities; they’ll just deny all knowledge of any involvement with us. We’d be like the A-Team, running around the world with guns helping people, but, unlike the A-Team, we would actually hit whom we’re shooting at.
If anyone is interested in joining, write so in the comments. You don’t have to be an America to be a part of it; as long as you share our love of killing bad people, that’s American enough.
Susie from God writes:
In one of your Frank Answers you said: “but now sign your e-mail with what name you want me to use, and also include where you are from”. Is the latter instruction a philosophical or geographical question? My parents told me I came from God; this e-mail is coming from Indiana.
If you have a philo-mo-spohical answer, fine, but I prefer a geographic location. I don’t want to start getting a bunch of crazy-ass answers from some po-mo’s.
Stephen from Hope, Arkansas asks:
What are your feelings on human evolution? How about evolution in general?
I like the theory of evolution, because it’s the best scientific explanation of how people came about. I admit though, it’s hard to conceive all the random mutations that must have happened to go from an amoeba to Frank J., the most perfect of God’s creatures. I don’t like the idea that God just one day went POOF! and people appeared without any back story, because that just seems sloppy – kinda like something I would do if I were God.
As for human evolution, I don’t think that happens physically anymore because we now live in a world where any idiot can survive and reproduce. Instead, we evolve technologically. Sure, it would be cool one day if humanity evolved the powers to shoot lasers out their eyes, but at least every few years we get new video game system with even higher polygon counts. Frankly, that’s enough evolution for me.
Now, that main problem with the theory of evolution is that it take millions of years to have noticeable effects, thus it is hard to empirically prove it. I say one thing we can try is subjecting monkey after monkey to high doses of radiation to try and mutate them. If one suddenly becomes a person, evolution is proven. If all the monkeys just die, results will be inconclusive, but at least all monkeys will be dead.
I hate monkeys.
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
In My World: White House Press Secretary Had Built Up Many Sick Days
White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer was less forthcoming than usual in his latest press conference.
“What is the White House’s opinion on the Palestinian prime minister?”
“Wow, the Palestinians have a prime minister now?” Ari exclaimed.
“Yeah, don’t you know that?”
“Know what, I think I remember Jon Stewart mentioning it on the Daily Show.”
“Well aren’t you privy to special information in the White House meetings?”
“Yeah, but I haven’t been to one in a while; I’m trying to use up all my sick days before I leave in July.”
“So why are you holding this press conference?” demanded one reporter.
“I’m not holding a press conference,” Ari said indignantly, “I just sat down to read the latest issue of Maxim and then you guys gathered around me.”
“Well, do you have any comment on how American forces have not found any WMD’s?”
“We did find some!” Ari shot back, laying down his Maxim and standing up. He held out a vial of green liquid. “Here is the chemical agent XL-6 we just got back from the Iraq. If quickly becomes airborne, causing a painful death by…” Ari accidentally dropped the vial, shattering it. “Oh my God!” he exclaimed, covering his mouth, “We’re all going to die!”
The reporters look terrified, but Ari started laughing. “It was filled with Mountain Dew. I’ve been playing that gag on people all day.” He sat back down and started reading his magazine again.
“I have a question,” said the Fox News Reporter, “I just did an expose on how many different countries there are and how the number of foreign nations is a threat to our national security. Is the White House doing anything to reduce the number of other countries?”
“Is this you?” Ari asked, holding open his magazine to a picture of a woman in lingerie.
“No!” the Fox News reporter answered angrily. She then looked more carefully at the picture. “Oh, wait, yes it is… but you still have to answer my question.”
“I have don’t have to do anything,” Ari asserted.
“You said you had measles!” yelled one voice from the crowd. Ari turned to see it was President Bush.
“So, I lied; what are you going to do about it,” Ari challenged.
“Uh…” Bush thought for a moment. “I’ll have you executed for treason!”
“Whatever,” Ari said dismissively as he went back to reading his magazine.
“Why do you want to kill Iraqi children?” Helen Thomas asked Bush.
“Because they smell!” Bush sprinkled salt on her. “Why won’t you finish shriveling up?”
“Ahh! A voodoo hex!” Helen exclaimed, running away.
“Why haven’t you found any WMD’s?” one reported asked Bush.
“We have plenty of WMD’s,” Bush answered, “Hell, we have enough nukes to kill everyone on earth.”
“I meant found WMD’s in Iraq,” the reporter clarified.
“Oh… why would need to find WMD’s there?” Bush asked, “We just went there to steal their oil.” He saw Ari shaking his head. “Uh… I got confused. We’re currently preparing a military strike against North Korea for the oil stealing.”
“You’re going to attack North Korea?” one reported said with surprise.
“Uh… why? Is that a good or a bad thing?” Bush asked, getting nervous. All the reporters now crowded around him and shouted questions at him. “Damn you, Ari!” Bush exclaimed, “That’s why you’re supposed to do all the talking!”
“Sick with measles,” Ari answered, flipping through his magazine.
Bush spied some man jogging down the street near them. “Uh… that guy over there is the replacement,” Bush said, pointing at him, “Ask him the questions.”
The press swarmed the surprised man while Bush made a quick escape into a nearby manhole.
“Going to miss this job,” Ari sighed.