Scott from Heartland, U.S.A. writes:
I need your help with a personal crisis. One of my friends just told me that mustard is a “Commie condiment”. Is this true? I really like mustard, does that make me a closet commie? Help!
PS: I thought commies liked mayo on their fries, not mustard.
But I like mayo on my fries…
Anyway, there is nothing Commie about any condiment. Americans love choice and being able to put whatever the hell they want on their foods. What’s Commie is charging for packets of ketchup or mustard like I hear they do in Europe. We’re rich capitalist, we get too be wasteful with our many packets of condiments, most of which go unused.
Nothing says freedom like a drawer at work full of unused ketchup and hot sauce packets.
From Poosh from either Nanjing, China or Bexhill, England writes:
Even though you have consistently given advice that has had a negative impact on my life I have no one else to turn too, the police simply won’t believe me. I took your advice and bought some anti-ninja spray and sprayed my flowers good. That was fun. I then went into my house and awaited the ninja hoards. Sure enough, just as the sun was setting, they attacked! That’s when the anti-ninja spray took affect! All the flowers in my garden mutated into these crazy looking flower-monsters! The ninjas tried to fight back but for every mutant flower they felled, two grew in its place! And thus the ninjas died. Victory was mine! I jumped for joy and praised America and set a side £10 to donate to you as a thankyou present. But then the mutant-flowers evolved and somehow took over not just my garden but my house! Everywhere is green and I’ve been imprisoned in my room. Sometimes I think Poison Ivy from Batman is going to show up and order me to be her sex slave which would be great but that hasn’t happened yet. What do I do, Frank? What do I do? I think the flowers are plotting to take over the world…
Okay, I’ve used ninja sprays before, and I know they work perfectly fine if you follow the directions. That means to shake the spray vigorously for one minute and then put a light coating on the plants. If you do it properly, that plants would have just enough power to repel the ninjas, but not enough to take over your house and plan world conquest. Obviously, you did something wrong, so you get a chiding.
Chide. Chide. Chide.
Now that I’ve finished chiding you, here is what to do next. You need to get the archnemesis of the plants: vegetarians. Round up a bunch of vegetarians and set them loose on the plants. The plants will either flee in terror or be viciously torn apart by the vegetarians.
Hope that helps.
Tim from Melbourne, FL writes:
Canada has a holiday called Boxing Day. What is so special about (aboot) Boxing Day? Why do they have it?
Wow! I thought I was the only one who lived in Melbourne, Florida and wondered what the hell Boxing Day is. There is no way to be certain, as the ways of the Canadians are tribal and mysterious, but I do have a theory.
Obviously, it can’t be about boxing like in punching each other, because the Canadians are too much a bunch of peaceniks. So my guess is that on boxing day they all get together a bunch of boxes and make cool forts out of them. What fun, eh?

Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.