Richard R. from Moabi, Gabon writes:
Over on USS Clueless, SdB has a very long technically precise answer to the following question:
“I’ll keep this short. The following questions came up among a group of engineers at the bar tonight, and I thought I’d ask. Basically, I’m asking you this because you seem to know everything else… Do all points on the equator experience 12 hours of sunlight a day, 365 days/year? If so, please explain. If not, is there any point or any two points that will experience sunlight 12 hours/day, 365 days/year?”
I’m figuring you’ll have a better answer than his.
How the hell would I know?
…I mean, of course I’ll have a better answer than Stephen den Beste. As everyone knows, I’m smarter, I’m sexier, and I have better t-shirts than him.
Due to the rotation of the earth, it’s tilt, it’s path around the sun, and it’s dynamic metarysimal action (a term so scientific that I only know it), there is actually only one point on the earth that gets exactly 12 hours of sunlight every day. The location is unknown, but it is prophesized in the bible (one of the psalms; I forget which) that there lies at the spot a hidden cave guarded by evil leprechauns who kick and bite. These leprechauns are even more angry and drunken than the ones in Ireland, and hardly a man would ever be able to survive an onslaught of their tiny fists.
If somehow one would survive the leprechauns, inside lies The Holy Grail. Well, maybe not The Holy Grail, but a holy grail, nonetheless. Anyway, there will certainly be some stalagmites, which are cool to look at.
I didn’t read Stephen den Beste’s answer, but, if he didn’t mention leprechauns and stalagmites, then he obviously just pulled the answer out of his ass and I would never trust him again.
Max from Fairfield, CT writes:
Dear God, Michael Moore is fat. So if we do eventually, God willing, nuke the moon, could we launch Michael Moore into space and have the sun reflect off of him?
Yeah, right. We’re going to nuke the moon, but not nuke Michael Moore. Please put a little more thought behind your questions, people.
Jared from Littleton, Colorado writes:
I’ve noticed your Japanese subsidiary produces a line of smiley-face spatulas (http://www.imao.co.jp/gift/index.html), among other trinkets. Is the work in these factories being performed by small children, or, due to Japan’s higher labor costs and overly-stringent child labor laws, are you forced to use tamed ninjas?
Hey, that’s supposed to be a secret product line I’m working on (that’s why it’s in Japan). Anyway, there is no such thing as a tamed ninja; were a ninja ever to stop flipping out and cutting people’s heads off, he would cease to exist. Instead, the spatulas are being assembled by trained seals. One of them is named George and he likes to eat fish.
Anyway, right now I’m just focusing on the t-shirts. Smiley-faced spatulas is my next empire.
Tara from Guernica, Spain asks:
Why are you so cool? How can I learn to be more like you?
Asking why I am so cool is asking like why does the wind blow or why does the bird sing.
…well, I guess there are technical answers to those questions. Anyway, let’s move on to how to be cool like me.
First you have to be super smart. I mean like super duper smart. So you have to go to college and study hard things and buy books on science and actually read some. Then you have to have mad skilz, which means taking martial arts and practicing everyday. Owning a katana is a plus. Also, you need to own a 1911 style firearm (that’s a .45 baby; no metric ammo for Frank), and constantly practice your aim at the range.
Then there is personality. You have to have charm and wit, and, when those don’t work, you have to know how to throw a sucker punch.
Of course, there is the sense of humor, but that’s basically just a gift from God. So you need to pray to God to give you a sense of humor. Subtle threats aimed at Him might help.
Of course, the cheapest and most efficient way to be cool like Frank is to buy and wear a Nuke the Moon t-shirt.
Please keep the questions coming, <a href=”mailto:THISISSPAMTHISISSPAMace you’re from, I’ll randomly select one.
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